Happy New Year! I mean it. I know what the calendar says. But the heart of the nation says it is finally time to look ahead. Sure New Years Eve was a month and a half ago. So what? Sometimes it is not about time tables.
Let me ask you something. You still remember what you got for Christmas don't you? Well unless you write it down it is about to exit the front row of Memory Theater. Why? You never disappoint me. You always ask.
OK. Settle in, get your coffee and a bite of what ever. I'm going to explain it so well, you'll be telling your friends as though you thought of it yourself.
What's the big year end event that sends everyone into a frenzy, buying and selling and throwing parties with specialty foods and alcoholic beverages?
Christmas! Good. Gold stars all around.
Now let me ask you this?
What's the big year end event that sends everyone into a frenzy, buying and selling and throwing parties with specialty foods and alcoholic beverages?
Super Bowl! Good. Gold stars again except Super Bowl is at the beginning of the year, not the end. Right?
Only technically. While it is true that the Super Bowl is in the first five weeks of the year, it is the crescendo as it were to last years football season, is it not? Therefore it is a part of last year that we "do" this year.
"It ain't over till it's over." Said Yogi Berra. And it ain't over for last year till we have two things out of the way.
Super Bowl and Valentines Day.
These two emotionally charged rocket engines are the final thrust of the New Year. They are the two events that bring us to "Escape Velocity". It is now 2007!
One of my favorite cartoonists, Cathy Guisewite, has been quoted as saying:
"Valentines Day, is revenge for Super Bowl Sunday. There's something to be said for that. I mean we all get Christmas, or what ever end of year tradition you celebrate. We all get the fourth of July. We also all get Memorial Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Ground Hog Day. Is there a Ground hog day card? There will be. And the only other "Days" I left out are "Mothers Day" and "Father's Day" these two are mutually exclusive and cancel each other. So there is no "She's not a mother's" day and there is no "He's no ones Father, that we know of" day. So all of that "is he? is she?, would she if I?, oh never mind, but wait I should at least say something" All of that gets covered by Valentines Day.
Did you give someone lingerie, or receive it as a gift this year? It's a pretty big item. Bras with hearts in just the right places, panties with hearts or slogans like..."slippery when wet".."enter here" "Substantial Penalty for early withdrawal". Is underwear where all the clever writing went?
I talked to some guys that bought lingerie for their gals. They were describing the items as though later tonight they were going to have them as a snack. (the lingerie, that is). A word to guys that give lingerie. She knows that lingerie is more for you than her. Back it up with something "she" wants.
I think that some advertisers make the ads for lingerie to appeal to men. A young fellow sees a pretty model in three and a half ounces of black silk and decides it's just what the doctor ordered to put the spice back into the relationship. Of course that particular young man is never more wrong than he is at that particular moment. But once you buy it...the advertisers hardly care why you bought it. Just so long as the credit card went through and if you paid cash. It's yours pally.
If you are a young man lets say between the ages of twenty-one and thirty-five, I have some advice for you. If you are over thirty-five and you don't already know the truth behind what I'm about to say. Reading it here will make little or no difference.
Nothing is ever solved by giving a gift. NOTHING!
Give her a gift when things are great. It makes great even greater. But giving her a gift when things are awful is a clear admission that you, possibly have no idea what you did wrong, or in some cases when you know what you did, it also
tells her you think so little of her intellectually, that you think something pretty and shiny just might take her mind off the fact that you slept with your bookkeeper.
If you do get off the hook, and are forgiven for your transgression as a result of
presenting her with a little something from the jewelry store, take caution, you are being trained. She should have you up to automobiles within five years.
So we are all at work today recanting the "tales". Chances are there is someone headed your way with a sparkler on her finger. Some one who will do that "Whole body shake" and half scream..."Look what Tony gave me!"...then as we gather 'round she'll start in on a story she will tell no fewer than six times today.
Now if you are a guy, none of this concerns you.
Oh trust me.....it is ALL ABOUT you....but not here where you are. Here,you get to hear how well Hank did, how well Owen or Mel did. YOUR story is being retold, or not, where ever your spouse, sweetheart, betrothed, or girlfriend is.
How do you think you did? Better hope you did OK. You don't have to have been the best. Just don't be the worst. Don't be the guy that did nothing. No excuse. Three hundred and sixty-four days advance notice and two weeks of ads on television, radio and newspapers? Just keep walking.
How many times have you experienced Post Valentines Day Fallout? Post Valentine's Day Fallout or PVF can manifest it self in a number of ways. Your beloved may open the door to your home and commence slapping you repeatedly, or you may notice that she hasn't spoken to you for three days, hasn't called you. In some severe cases men have been known to have to make household repairs, or automotive repairs or even buy new cars. PVF is on the rise. In metropolitan areas where the population is 10,000 or greater, Doctors agree severe cases of PVF are on the rise. And in those areas where individual reported cases have peaked, researchers are finding that severity is up 20% over last year. Forgetting two years in a row is no longer covered by the larger insurance providers.
Let's look back over last night shall we? Did you do one or more of the following?
Got her a card.
Got her candy.
Got her a card and candy.
Got her a card and candy, went to a movie.
Took her to dinner. Card and candy.
Dinner, card, candy and Jewelry.
Rented Limo, Dinner, Champagne, Card Candy, Jewelry, and proposed marriage.
Tickets to Cabo or better, Limo, Dinner, Champagne, Card,Candy, Jewelry, marriage proposal.
Threw yourself on a live grenade to save a group of orphans you read stories to every night.
If you did not do one of the things on this list, chances are you might want to be thinking about insurance.
Today is her super bowl. It is women's show and tell across America. Some gals, like I mentioned before, come in and start right in with "Lookie here what I got." or "Jim took me to the nicest place last night" But sooner or later it will be
your gal's turn to tell. Did you do good?(sic) Some guys don't get it. This is her Hail Mary, her Statue of Liberty play, she's Jerry Rice it's 1985 she is running to the right part of the field, now what have you got for her to catch, Joe?
If you did good you will know. Remember it's not a matter of her having the best story to tell. She knows all of that is a bunch of junk. If she can clearly see that you went out of your way and tried to make her day better. You are in the zone, stand by for Gatorade!
This work is dedicated to the hard working people that manufacture, cultivate, ship and/or otherwise process: Chocolate, Roses, Jewelery, Gift Cards, and Lingerie. Take the day off!
Roger Wild February 15Th 12:20 cst. Late last night/early this morning, while you were all asleep.
hi
