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Happy? Easter
Posted On 03/23/2008 16:09:40 by karyn8sons

It feels pretty hollow saying that - especially as the subject!

I don’t know why I expected today to be better than the days of this past week.  Having the kids home all week has been brutal.  My roller coaster/freight train hormones have been driving the bus for the last 5 days or so and I feel a mix right now of intense anger, profuse sadness and fragmentation of anything else that can be called feeling or emotion.  I would like nothing better than to pull myself together but I’m actually afraid of the monster I might be if that were actually to manifest.

It is easier to understand suicidal feelings (and have them) when every day you start out telling yourself it’s going to be a great day.  But it isn’t.  And you end each horrific day with telling yourself, as you thankfully close your eyes on another dark chapter, that tomorrow is going to be the turning point.  It’s going to turn around and you won’t even recognize yourself as this sad, angry creature that made everyone’s lives miserable for the last... week?  month?  quarter?  year?  decade?  The worst part is not knowing how long it will last and how long YOU will last and bear up under the weight of it. 

You look into the faces of those who love you and see them tormented BY you and you wonder how your sticking around could possibly be any kind of gift or blessing to any of you.  And at some point, you realize that you don’t have it in you to terminate yourself.  The unknown is what you fear most in life... and in death.  You just can’t summon whatever it is that makes you jump off into that abyss of the unknown.  Darkness and despair are your frequent companions but at least you know them.  You see them, you recognize them and you try to banish them.  If you succeed, you know it’s only one battle, not the war.  They WILL be back!  If you fail, you lie down to lick your wounds, whisper to a higher power (PLEASE... let there be a higher power than can hear my cries?) for strength to regroup and re-establish backbone!  You rest quietly and wonder if it, if you, even matter.  And you listen to music that speaks of your pain ~

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Viewing 1 - 3 out of 3 Comments

From: Junie
03/23/2008 20:11:47

I, too, have had the same feelings to describe. With prayer and the help of my doctor I've made it through the worst.

I still have "those" times but it isn't as bad or often as it used to be. Depression happens to run in my family. I've learned how to deal with it as you will.

There is always a brighter tomorrow. I wish you the very best. Take care.

~Junie~

From: Mimi134
03/23/2008 20:02:28

I also have had similar feelings.  You are not alone.  Please continue to write.  I, too, will be praying for you. 



From: SavedByGrace
03/23/2008 18:07:27

First of all...a big HUG for you! Just like the one God (yes, He's real and He's there!) gives us when no one else can stand us.


Second, silly question, but have you talked to the doctor about anti-depressants or hormone replacement therapy. I know with my other meds and ailments, my doctor won't prescribe HRT but one can at least inquire. I had days like that, too, when I'd almost feel like I was outside myself, watching myself get angry and out of control, and yet I didn't feel there was much I could do about it.

I'm glad you can't "summon up" whatever it would be that would cause you to find death easier than life. I've been there too, and today is better than that day. It always is. Just hang on, find some help (doctor, counseling, whatever) and most of all, keep praying. Thank goodness God hangs on to us when we can't hang on any longer.

I'll pray for you.

Janet

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