'Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a
variation of the phrase, 'HEY MOE.' Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three
Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made
to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eye.
'Q . I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be
to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more
difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors
in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two
categories: those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don't worry,
the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third
world country.
'Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need.
'Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting
conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't
require any treatment.
'Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms
of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative
forms of payment.
'Q. My pharmacy plan covers only generic drugs, but
I need the name brand. I tried the generic
medication, but it gave me a stomach ache! What
should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye.
'Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? A.
You really shouldn't do that.
'Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my
doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a
general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his/her office? A. It's hard to
say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
'Q. Will health care be different in the next
decade? A. No, but if you call right now, you might
get an appointment by then.'
Heal thyself. . . Following up on that theme, we
thought now you might be interested in these
'Amazingly Simply Home Remedies' and
preventive-medicine tips sent along by Writer Bill:
'Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
'Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the shower.
'For high blood-pressure sufferers: Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to set a timer!
'If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxative; then you will be afraid to cough.
'If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The
blockage will instantly remove itself.'
