ROBERT HAS DECIDED TO MOVE TO JACKSONVILLE, FL AND GO AHEAD AND GET ON THE TRANSPLANT LIST AT THE MAYO CLINIC THERE.  THEY HAVE TOLD HIM THAT AFTER A FEW TESTS HE WOULD BE LISTED AND THAT THEIR WAITING PERIOD IS USUALLY NO MORE THAN A MONTH.  I AM NOT REAL SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.  I KNOW IT IS GOING TO MAKE IT MUCH HARDER ON MY SISTER AND ME AS HIS CAREGIVERS TO HAVE TO GO SO FAR BUT OF COURSE WE WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO HELP HIM.  IT HAS MADE US WONDER THOUGH IF MAYBE HE HAS DONE SOMETHING TO GET KICKED COMPLETELY OFF OF THE VANDERBILT TRANSPLANT LIST.  I HOPE THAT IS NOT THE CASE BECAUSE I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT ALL OF THE MAJOR HOSPITALS HAVE BASICALLY THE SAME RULES.  ROBERT IS NOT A STUPID PERSON BUT HE IS A DESPERATE ONE RIGHT NOW.  HE SAYS HE IS AFRAID THAT VANDERBILT IS GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE CANCER HAS SPREAD OUT OF HIS LIVER AND THEN IT WILL BE TO LATE TO DO ANYTHING FOR HIM.  I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM.  I KNOW HE MESSED UP AND FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE BUT I ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY HAVE TO HAVE RULES AND THE RULES HAVE TO APPLY TO EVERYONE. I WISH WITH ALL OF MY HEART THAT NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.  WE COULD BE AT THE POINT WHERE HE WAS RECOVERING FROM SURGERY OR AT THE MOST WAITING FOR THE PHONE CALL IF HE HAD NOT MESSED UP AND GOT DRUNK.  I WOULD NOT SAY THAT TO ROBERT BECAUSE HE ALREADY FEELS BAD ENOUGH BUT IT IS DEPRESSING FOR US ALSO.  NASHVILLE IS SO MUCH CLOSER AND SO MUCH EASIER TO GET TO FROM HERE.  WHEN HE MOVES AND HE IS MOVING NO MATTER HOW WE FEEL AND THAT IS JUST A FACT THAT I MAY AS WELL ACCEPT AND QUIT STRESSING OVER.  AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE JUST ABOUT STRESSED MYSELF TO PEICES.  I AM BACK TO THE NOT SLEEPING WELL STAGE AGAIN AND HAVING BAD HEADACHS AGAIN.  I AM JUST SO TIRED AND WORN OUT ALL THE TIME AND I FIGURE IT IS JUST ABOUT TIME FOR ME TO JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I WILL HAVE TO GO TO JACKSONVILLE, FL WHEN AND IF ROBERT GETS A TRANSPLANT BECAUSE HE WILL STILL HAVE TO HAVE CAREGIVERS AND I STILL DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY BROTHER.  SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE WE GET THROWN A BIGGER PUNCH THAN EXPECTED AND I AM TO SLOW TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.  I KNOW ROBERT IS SCARED AND I KNOW HE HAS TO HAVE THIS OPERATION OR WE WILL LOSE HIM BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS SO DETERMINED THAT IT HAS TO BE IN FL UNLESS HE HAS DONE SOMETHING TO BE KICKED OFF THE LIST IN TN AND CAN'T GET BACK ON.  HE IS A TERRIBLE PATIENT AND I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING CARE OF HIM BECAUSE OF THAT.  HE IS REALLY HORRIBLE AND THAT IS THE HONEST REALITY OF MY YOUNGEST BROTHER.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES HIM THAT WAY BUT HE IS.  HE SAYS THINGS THAT WOULD HURT YOUR FEELINGS IF YOU LET IT, GOOD THING I CAN OVER LOOK THINGS FROM FAMILY.  I WAS TAUGHT TO DO THAT FROM A REAL YOUNG AGE... I DON'T THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE SO MEAN TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.  PUTTING THEIR LIVES, AND FAMILIES ON HOLD FOR YOU... BUT I ALSO DON'T THINK HE CAN HELP IT.  I THINK IT IS THE MEDS THAT HE GETS PUT ON.  EVERYTIME HE HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL HE REALLY DOES ACT HORRIBLE TO US.  SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE JUST SLAPPING HIM...LOL  OF COURSE I WOULD NEVER DO THAT BUT I CAN FEEL LIKE IT.  OUR GRANDMOTHER WAS THAT WAY BUT ROBERT IS MUCH WORSE THAN SHE WAS...  ANYWAY I REALLY GOT WAY OF TRACK THERE.  THE WHOLE POINT I WAS MAKING WAS THAT HE IS MOVING SO FAR AWAY.  I LOOKED IT UP AND IT SAYS FROM MY HOUSE TO THE MAYO CLINIC IN FL IT IS 9HRS AND 10MIN.  OF COURSE THEY ARE ALWAYS OFF BY QUITE A BIT SO IT WILL PROBABLY BE MORE LIKE 10-11HOURS.. HE HAS TO GET A HOUSE, OH YEA, OUR OTHER BROTHER IS ALSO MOVING THERE. SO THEY HAVE TO GET A HOUSE AND PACK UP A LOT OF FURNITURE, TWO CARS AND A LARGE DOG TO MOVE.  THAT IS GOING TO COST A LOT AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE WE WILL GET IT.  OF COURSE THEY DO HAVE TO GET MOST OF THAT THEMSELVES BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE NEEDING HELP AND I AM JUST NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MOVE AT ALL. 
WHEN ROBERT DOES HAVE HIS TRANSPLANT I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY JACKEY FOR THE FIRST TIME, EXCEPT WHEN ME AND RHONDA HAD TO GO TO TN FOR THE TESTS AND CONSULTS ROBERT HAD TO GO THROUGH.  I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER AND MY BABY IS EXPECTING HER BABY IN AUGUST SO DON'T YA THINK I WOULD LOVE TO BE HERE FOR THAT.  MAYBE I WILL, I JUST DON'T KNOW.  I JUST DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT ALL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.  JUST WHAT ROBERT TELLS ME.  HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING SOME INFO IN THE MAIL FROM FL AND I ASKED HIM TO SEND ME A COPY SO I COULD GO OVER IT AND SEE JUST WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.  I KNOW MOST OF THIS MAY NOT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO YOU WONDERFUL FRIENDS OF MINE BUT REMEMBER I AM VERY TIRED AND STRESSED OUT SO WHAT DO YOU EXPECT???  I JUST FELT THAT IF I DID NOT SIT DOWN AND WRITE HOW I WAS FEELING I WAS GOING TO EXPLODE...  I AM SO MIXED UP I DON'T KNOW SOMETIMES IF I AM GOING OR COMING.  I WILL JUST BE SO GLAD WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER AND DONE WITH.  THEN MAYBE I CAN GET MY HEAD BACK ON STRAIGHT AND GET MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER.  I ONLY WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR ROBERT BUT SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE ONES THAT ARE GOING TO BE HELPING HIM.  I HOPE THAT IS WRONG AND IT IS NOT THE ROBERT I HAVE KNOWN AND LOVED MY WHOLE LIFE BUT THAT IS HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL.  I KNOW IT IS NOT JUST ME, RHONDA AND I HAVE BOTH TALKED ABOUT ALL OF THIS AND ARE BOTH STRESSED OUT.  ANYWAY I AM ASKING FOR YOU ALL TO PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS TO BE STRONG AND PATIENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS.  IT SEEMS LIKE IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER INSTEAD OF EASIER.  I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED AND I KNOW GOD HEARS MY PRAYERS BUT SOMETIMES I DO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT BEING ANSWERED RIGHT NOW.  MAYBE THEY ARE AND I AM JUST NOT SEEING IT YET.  OR MAYBE HE HAS NOT MADE HIS DECISION AS TO WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.  I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED AT LEAST THAT MUCH TIME TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.  ROBERT DOES HAVE AN APPOINTMENT IN FL THE 7TH OFF APRIL FOR A BUNCH OF TESTS.  THE FIRST WEEK BILL WILL BE THERE AND I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND RHONDA WILL HAVE TO GO THE SECOND WEEK OR NOT.  IT MAY OR MAY NOT TAKE A FULL TWO WEEKS.  I JUST KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER WAIT UNTIL WE KNOW HE IS HAVING THE TRANSPLANT AND GET THERE FOR THAT WHICH OF COURSE WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GET THERE BEFORE HE HAS IT SINCE IT WILL BE SO FAR AWAY BUT AT LEAST IF IT GOES THROUGH AND HE DOES GET A LIVER AS QUICK AS HE THINKS OR AS QUICK AS THEY ARE SAYING IT COULD HAPPEN THEN WE WILL GET THERE AS SOON AS WE CAN AND BE THERE AS LONG AS NEEDED.  I JUST HOPE HE IS A QUICK HEALER BECAUSE I WILL WANT TO BE WITH MY JACKEY AND MY FAMILY TOO.  THERE IS A BIG REASON THAT JACKEY CAN NOT GO WITH ME.  I HAVE A BROTHER WHO LIVES REALLY CLOSE WHO IS NOT WORKING AND HE WOULD JUST AS SOON ROB US BLIND AS LOOK AT US IF HE NEEDS MONEY.  HE HAS DONE THAT TO OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND I KNOW HE WOULD US ALSO.  I HATE TO HAVE TO EVEN ADD THAT BUT THAT IS WHY I WOULD NOT WANT BOTH JACKEY AND ME GONE FOR THAT LENGHT OF TIME AND OUR HOUSE JUST LEFT.  I ALSO HAVE PETS THAT NEED CARE AND SOMEONE HAS TO DO THAT.  BOY DO I COME FROM A GREAT FAMILY OR WHAT???  I CAN'T HELP IT THOUGH.  WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FAMILY WE GET DEALT WE CAN ONLY HOPE AND PRAY THAT THEY TURN OUT GOOD... I GUESS I HAVE SAID ENOUGH FOR THIS TIME BUT I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FL THING... AGAIN PLEASE DO KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS. BY US I DO MEAN MY SISTER, RHONDA AND MYSELF BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH ABOUT TO LOSE OUR MINDS OVER ALL OF THIS.... LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH.. LINDA

Linda,

You are going through so much, my heart aches for you. You are such a loving person. It very well may be that Robert is mean because of the medication and probably because not drinking is hard for an alcoholic. Sometimes when someone is being mean like that I use humor to combat it - humor can be disarming and everyone gets a laugh, which is so healing.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Love,

Mary

Linda, I know exactly what you are going through right now. I am going through the same thing with my mom, except she had a stroke. The stress is unreal and it is especially hard when you do not live in the same city. Traveling back and forth wears you out. Just remember to put all your stress and fears in God's hands. Just give it all to him. Ask him to comfort you and he will. I'm praying for us... Hugs, Rita

LINDA YOU ARE ONE SPECIAL LADY AND SO IS YOUR FAMILY ,MY HEART GOES OUT TO WHAT YOU ALL ARE GOING THROUGH AND I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR IN MY PRAYERS . ITS VERY HARD TO DO WHAT YOU ALL ARE DOING AND WHEN THE PERSON YOU LOVE IS IN ANOTHER CITY OR STATE IT IS ESPECIALLY HARD .

STAY STRONG  AND YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS