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This is how it works! John McCain and Obama were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The Republican, John McCain, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job.
He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Obama was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, he decided to be of some help too.
He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into McCain's pocket and got out $20. He kept $15 for his administrative fee and gave the homeless person $5.
NOW you understand the difference.
My Week of April Fool's Started on Monday April 1st , first I had to fine a place to put my cat (Baby) ,so my sweetheart of a Home Help took her over to his home for the whole week..... then these two men came over to rip out the kitchen carpet & bathroom floor & that was day #1. Day #2 they promised that they were going to be done with the kitchen & bathroom on Wednesday , well, I can tell you that they didn't finished the kitchen & bathroom until today Saturday ...... Day #3 they rip up my dinning & back bedroom carpet & left.... Day #4 they put in carpet in the living room & dinning room & layed down the floor in bathroom & left...... Day #5 they finely finished the back bedroom, hallway & small bedroom & the kitchen all in one day ,,, Day #6 Saturday ,They are here right now at 11:45 AM removing the the humps in my living room & finishing my kitchen boarder....... All in all it has been a very trying week , I had a lot of different emotions thru the whole week.....from anger to relief to happiness when you go through this kind of thing.....
THE LORD'S PRAYER
Rather cleverly done.
This is in two parts, the prayer ( in black
type ) and
GOD ( in red type ) in response.
It is very, very good.
**********
Our Father
Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No! , I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
'Our Father who art in Heaven'
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for
the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .. .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By 'Hallowed be thy name'?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant
before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you
got control,
of everything down here like you have up
there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money
--
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of bo oks you read?
Now hold on just! a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those
people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some
hang-ups.
Now that you mention it, I could probably name
some others.
So could I
I haven't thought about it very much until
now,
but I really would like to cut out some of
those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere. We'll work
together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually
does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . . pause . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who
sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread
stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest
But, it's quite a load carrying around all
that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . .. (sigh).
All right all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight
tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are
you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay! .
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.
______________________________
Now Please pass this on!!!
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well. Again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.
The Perfect Marriage
> >
> >
> > At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a
> > weekly husband's
> > marriage seminar. At the session last week, the
> > Priest asked Luigi,
> > who was approaching his 50th wedding
> > anniversary, to take a few
> > minutes and share some insight into how he had
> > managed to stay
> > married to the same woman all these years.
> >
> > Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well,
> > I've a-tried to
> > treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but
> > best is that I took-a
> > her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
> >
> > The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing
> > inspiration to all
> > the husbands here! Please tell us what you are
> > planning for your
> > wife for your 50th anniversary."
> >
> > Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get
> > her."
> >
> >
The Collection Plate (a must read)
This will touch your heart.
Here is a true story about a nine year old boy who lived in a rural town in
Tennessee .
His house was in a poor area of the community. A church had a bus ministry
that
came knocking on his door one afternoon.
The kid came to answer the door and greeted the bus pastor. The bus pastor
asked
if his parents were home and the small boy told him that his parents take
off
every weekend and leave him at home to take care of his little brother.
The bus pastor couldn't believe what the kid said and asked him to repeat
it.
The youngster gave the same answer and the bus pastor asked to come in and
talk with him. They went into the living room and sat down on an old couch
with the foam and springs exposed.
The bus pastor asked the kid, "Where do you go to church? The young boy
surprised
the visitor by replying, "I've never been to church in my whole life."
The bus pastor thought to himself about the fact that his church was less
than three
miles from the child's house. "Are you sure you have never been to church?"
he asked
again.
"I sure haven't", came his answer.
Then the bus pastor said,Well, son, more important than going to church,
have you ever
heard the greatest love story ever told?" and then he proceeded to share
the Gospel
with this little nine year old boy. The young lad's heart began to be
tenderized and at
the end of the bus pastor's story the bus pastor asked if the boy wanted
to receive this free gift from God.
The youngster exclaimed, "You bet!"
The kid and the bus pastor got on their knees and the lad invited Jesus
into his little
heart and received the free gift of salvation. They both stood up and the
bus pastor
asked if he could pick the kid up for church the next morning. "Sure," the
nine old replied.
The bus pastor got to the house early the next morning and found the lights
off. He let
himself in and snaked his way through the house and found the little boy
asleep in his bed.
He woke up the little boy and his brother and helped get them dressed. They
got on the
bus and ate a donut for breakfast on their way to church.
Keep in mind that this boy had never been to church before. The church was
a real big one.
The little kid just sat there, clueless of what was going on.
A few minutes into the service these tall unhappy guys walked down to the
front and picked
up some wooden plates. One of the men prayed and the kid with utter
fascination watched
them walk up and down the aisles.
He still didn't know what was going on. All of a sudden like a bolt of
lightning it hit the kid
what was taking place. These people must be giving money to Jesus. He then
reflected on
the free gift of life he had received just twenty-four hours earlier. He
immediately searched
his pockets, front and back, and couldn't find a thing to give Jesus. By
this time the offering
plate was being passed down his aisle and with a broken heart he just
grabbed the plate and
held on to it. He finally let go and watched it pass on down the aisle. He
turned around to see
it passed down the aisle behind him. And then his eyes remained glued on
the plate as it was
passed back and forth, back and forth all the way to the rear of the
sanctuary.Then he had
an idea.
This little nine year old boy, in front of God and everybody, got up out of
his seat. He walked
about eight rows back, grabbed the usher by the coat and asked to hold the
plate one more
time. Then he did the most astounding thing I have ever heard of. He took
the plate, sat it
on the carpeted church floor and stepped into the center of it. As he stood
there, he lifted his
little head up and said, "Jesus, I don't have anything to give you today,
but just me. I give you me!"
I do love Jesus. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me
functioning each
and everyday. Without Him, I will be nothing. Without Him, I am nothing.
With Him I can do all things.
Phil 4:13
THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST....... If you love Jesus, send this to ten people
and the person that sent it to you. NAILS DIDN'T HOLD JESUS TO THE
CROSS. LOVE DID
How could we know??? OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW! WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW? BECAUSE OUR CORRUPT LIBERAL MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US! Did you know? I didn't know! How could we have known??? Did you know that 47 countries have re-established their embassies in Iraq? Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people? Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under rehabilitation, 263 new schools are now under construction and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq? Did you know that Iraq's higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all currently operating? Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program? Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational? They have 5 -100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment. Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons, which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers? Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion? Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and equipped police officers? Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over 3500 new officers every 8 weeks? Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq? They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities. Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations? Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October? Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and phone use has gone up 158%? Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations? Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004? Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a televised debate recently? OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW! OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US! Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing snowballs at the presidential motorcades. Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes: It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States minimizing consequent support, and it is intended to discourage American citizens. Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense website Pass it on! http://www.defense.gov/ http://www.pentagon.mil/ http://www.defenselink.mil/ http://www.defendamerica.mil/Iraq http://www.jcs.mil
I just received this from one of my friends! I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . . If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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