Being in a real relationship is scary stuff. Many of us can manage the whirl and dazzle of casual dating, even maybe close(ish) friendships, but intimacy, real intimacy, sexual or platonic, can be, for some of us, the stuff that nightmares are made of. or heroes. We stumble through life keeping people at arms length. The dark truth is that we think that if we allow people too close, if we let them SEE us, they will discover the awful secret. That we are bad people,different,lacking,and somehow, not good enough. That if we open the door and let them in, eventually, they will hate us, hurt us, maybe, oh god,even leave us. Sometimes in our fear, we leave them first. It seems to hurt less.
So, then, do we ever risk intimacy. Do we dare to open our hearts to friends, lovers, family? Can we accept the challenge that life and yes love offers us, to try to see the good in ourselves and then share it. To trust that others just might be kinder to us than we have ever known how to be to ourselves? And,maybe just maybe, something sweet will come. Are we willing/able to take the risk to do whatever it takes to learn to rebuild trust , to actually ALLOW ourselves to have a real life, with real loves, flawed & imperfect with the chance of ecstasy and yes, even pain. To have and be a REAL friend, to open our hearts as well as our arms and our bodies to our lover, to allow our children, sisters, brothers the chance to get to know us and maybe accept us, just as we are, flawed and yet wonderful. Maybe even beautiful...really. And possibly thru that acceptance, we learn to love and accept ourselves a little more. Is it worth the risk? I ask you.
Living Without Regrets
By Caterina Rando, MA, MCC
When you approach my front door you can't help but notice the bright white awning with green lettering that reads "No Regrets Apartments". An energetic, friendly and eccentric woman owns my building, it is the theme by which she lives her life. She has lived in the same neighborhood all her life, yet has friends she corresponds with all over the country, she never learned how to drive, yet gets around twice as much as people half her age, she sometimes skips lunch but a day never passes that she doesn't enjoy some gourmet chocolate, and her whole life even in fancy restaurants she always eats her dessert first. When I have asked how she is she has smiled back and said, with a smirk in her upbeat voice" I can't complain, it doesn't do any good anyway". She is on the move living by her own rules, always looking forward never looking back.
Every time I walk under the awning and through my front door I am reminded of the importance of living without regrets. Every day, every moment we have a choice, a choice to be fully who we want, who we dream to be or to pretend that we are less magnificent than our true selves. To pretend we have few wants, few desires and few ideas for how we really want our lives to be. Have you chosen to reach for the stars while a living a life full of possibilities and passion or to keep holding on to the railing, by passing your time in the seat of the mundane, thinking about what might have been.
You are responsible for making sure you are served up a full helping in life. No one else can go to the buffet line for you, you won't get what you want if you let anyone or anything else select the main course of your life.
When you are older sitting on your sunny porch in your automated, back massaging rocking chair reflecting back on your life, will you wish you had done anything different? Will there be any opportunities you wanted to take but did not, any great ideas you let float away, any important dreams you let go unfulfilled, I hope not, everybody says they want to have no regrets. Take the time. In the words of George Elliot" It is never too late to be what you might have been".
If you want to have no regrets at the end of your life that means you have to live each day of your life with no regrets. The answer is proactive living. This fulfilling lifestyle involves doing what you want to do, going where you want to go, being who you want to be. You know you are living and working without regrets when you are fully engaged, alert, alive, enthusiastic and in action in your life.
When you are proactive in your life problems are seen as possibilities, obstacles are seen as opportunities to learn and occasions to do things differently. What could be possible for you in you were living a proactive life? Would you go back to school and study ballroom dancing or Buddhism, travel through Europe on a bike, risk that new romance, start a new business ?
The only thing standing between you and a life without any regrets is you.
Think about your life, where are you proactive and where do you need a jolt to get you going ?
If you are ready for a new proactive lifestyle where you will be more fulfilled everyday, and squeeze more juice out of everyday read on:
Strategies for Proactive Living
1. Commit Yourself to Proactive Living
Right now this is the only life you have. Make an agreement with yourself that you are not going to sit this one out, commit to being a participant, not an observer. Commit yourself to the process of finding and following your dreams, wants and desires.
2. Point Out Past "Pro-actions"
Make a list of all the moments in your life where you felt proactive. Then identify what was it about that experience that made you feel that way. For example if you identified serving in the Peace Corp. as a time of being proactive, identify if it was, the adventure, the opportunity to educate others, to help shape a community, or learning about another culture that was the real positive part of the experience. Alternatively, if you felt proactive when you first used a computer, was it doing something new, achieving a goal or actually working with technology that made you feel proactive.
3. Tolerate Nothing
Ask yourself, what are you tolerating in your life? Is there a health challenge you are not addressing, a relationship you have long outgrown, a home full of paraphernalia that is crowding you? If you are not being proactive in life you are being reactive.
4. Identify Proactive People
Make a list of ten people you are acquainted with that you believe live life proactively. These are the people you want to spend time with, collaborate with, pioneer with, play with.
5. Jot it Out
Keep a journal for a week and notice when you are feeling the most proactive. Write these things down and then at the end of the week reread your journal and see if there are any common threads or directions that need further investigation.
6. Try New Things
Make a list of all the things you would like to do. Add to the list everyday. Once a week for six weeks try something new. In addition to having new experiences and perhaps finding some new talents and passions. Living without regrets means trying everything you want to try.
7. Get Into Action
Once you commit to proactive living, living without regrets the only thing left to do is get moving, get working on it, get going. Write out all the big and small action items necessary to get you living your proactive lifestyle. Start small with little steps, and as momentum builds you will find yourself naturally engaging fully in life, naturally not holding back.
As you begin this new lifestyle, watch closely and notice what is different. Maybe soon you will place an awning or a plague or even a welcome mat by your front door that lets all who enter know. Here lives a person with no regrets.
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About the Author
Caterina Rando, MA, MCC is a success coach, success speaker and author of the six cassette audio program: Success with Ease -How to Find Fulfillment in a Fast Paced World http://www.caterinar.com/swe.htm.
Caterina can be reached at 800 966-3603, by email at cpr@caterinar.com, to receive her monthly success electronic newsletter or find about the different programs she offers visit her website at http://www.caterinar.com.
Expect Success!
Motivating Moment
"Weakness or Greatest Strength?"
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your greatest strength. Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"
"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
"No," the sensei insisted, â€Å"Let him continue."
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"
"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grasp your left arm."
The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.
Affirmation for the Week:
I will look for and see my weaknesses, but as I hold them in my mind's eye, I will see them for what they truly are - my greatest strengths. Have a transforming week!
Copyright 2006 by Mary Rau-Foster. All rights reserved. However, if you find this information helpful, we grant you permission, and strongly encourage you, to print this page and put it on your bulletin board. Thank you.
