Well, now we get to the heart of all these blogs, it’s partly so my friends can get to know me a little better, but partly to vent my frustrations. For several years now, I’ve tried to do whatever I could for my sis. I love her. But am getting to the point that I wonder sometimes how much longer I can do this!

I can’t count the times I have sat at the hospital with her, day in and day out, and tried to help in whatever way I can. When her bi-polar kicks in, she then turns around and takes her anger, or whatever it is, out on me. That's the bi-polar and how they do, and I understand that, but it doesn't make it any less painful sometimes. When she was really sick, I would take care of everything then get accused of trying to take over her life! I don’t want her life! It's a mess! It’s bad enough I have to cope with it, I sure don’t want to live it!!

I have taken her to emergency, one son lives too far away, actually only 30 miles, and the other one can’t stand being in the hospital for any reason (all the times she was in he rarely even came to see her) so anyway, I’ve taken her probably 6 to 8 times in the last couple of years. And I sit there with her (when she broke her leg it was from 10 am til about 11 pm) and talk to the docs and take care of whatever needs done. She and I are both diabetics, and while sitting there for hours there are times I have to eat. That means walking all the way to the other side of the hosp. and I don’t walk very well for long distances.

Then, I take her to every doc appointment she has. There’s been on average one a week since the fire in 2005. I fill her pill organizers, she has 2 that hold a week’s worth each, otherwise she wouldn’t take her pills. I call and make appointments, deal with insurance claims that she doesn’t have the patience with, and call whatever company she’s having problems with. Last one was the phone co., big confusion over her phone plans. Got that straightened out finally.

Her health has deteriorated drastically the past year, and even though she’s only 1 year older than me, she looks 20! I’m tempted to post a pic I took of her last week. Was taking some of her dogs for her and she’s in one. Was at Wal-Mart about a month ago and she has to ride the scooter in the store cause she can’t walk that far. Girl at the checkout asked if she was my mother. C said the girl only thought that because she was in the scooter. No it wasn’t, she almost looks old enough to be my mother!!!

I get back from my fishing weekend, all relaxed and feeling great, and find out something came up and the doc appt. her son was supposed to take her to for me he couldn’t, so she didn’t go to it. So here we go again. Got back on the 6th, feeling great, and had a whole week of that before it started again. Went out to the house Sat. 12th to fill pills and everything ok. Called her on Sun. and she wouldn’t answer the phone. She never does, but if I holler on the answering machine she’ll usually pick up. Not on Sunday.

Youngest sis called from Indy and asked if she was ok cause she wouldn’t answer phone! I had doc appt. on Monday and stopped by after (she lives about 15 miles from me so it’s not like it’s right on the way). She’s in one of her moods, and just doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I told her I’m not anyone and it’s bad enough I worry about her all the time, she makes me worry 10 x’s as much by not answering phone.

Her youngest son lives with her, but when he’s at work I can’t get her. Called yesterday and he was home so made him put her on phone. She was cold and distant and could tell she didn’t really want to talk. So just made sure she was ok. My calmed, relaxed nerves after my trip are going crazy again worrying about her. Have to go out this afternoon and get on the phone and raise Cain with the insurance co. again. She can’t deal with that stuff, gets too confused too easily. Her husband worked at Chrysler for 30 yrs. and has great retirement health insurance, but have to fight with them over claims every time we turn around.

So this is my life day in and day out. Taking care of and worrying about big sis. All this has been to explain to my friends on here why last month I deleted everything on my page and didn’t get on for a couple of weeks. Left a long letter on my page saying I felt like a number on here and was not really communicating and being friends by just sending graphics all the time. I have friends in the building, but most of them are a lot older than me and have enough troubles of their own. I can’t talk to them the way you would a close friend. My daughter has enough going on in her life with 2 teenage daughters, and I sure can’t talk to my sis, she’s the root of everything. So I felt pretty alone at the time and wanted someone to talk to and felt I wasn’t getting that on here.

Thanks to my friends, especially Dorothy, Rita, Tony and Steve and to some people that at the time weren’t friends but are now, especially Linda and who left messages of encouragement (and sort of slapped me upside the head with words), I got over that feeling quickly. I now realize yes, I do have friends on here, and yes if I need it they will listen. I hope I can do the same for them if they need it.

Just writing these blogs has helped me by giving me a place to vent. And I’ve gotten lovely comments from some of you about them. I know I will continue this and I think just writing the blogs helps me deal with it all a little better. I know I feel better now than I did 30 minutes ago. Just getting it all out helps. Til next time, I love you all.