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Okay, so Jerry and I get to the mall last night about 1955 hrs. He looks a little worried but I asssure him we can complete our 2 mile - 2 lap circuit before the stores close so we can go back through Books-A-Million where we came in. I started off great, strutting my stuff! By the time I made the first turn (less than a quarter of a mile into it) I was thinking, "Oh HELL no! One lap is just gonna have to do it tonight!" I didn't say this to anyone, it was just the dialogue running through my head. Next big turn comes up (about 3/8 of a mile) and I'm thinking, "I've REALLY gotta pee. when I stop, I'll stretch too. But one lap is going to have to do for tonight." Again, just internal dialogue because Jerry is going strong and I'm steppin' and fetchin' to keep up. Turns out he was trying to stay ahead of a trio of older gentlemen who walk every night at a pretty quick pace. The things competion will do to ya... At last, my potty break and the halfway point through the FIRST lap. So I'm about a quarter finished with my usual walk. I took a week off to regroup after getting sick. What a difference a week makes!! I used the handicap stall so I would have room to stretch and when I did, I thought my back would snap! I was going to go out into the food court and tell Jerry to go and get the truck and I would wait for him there. But it was nauseating... he was up and ready to move before I even got to him!!! Well, I COULDN'T and WOULDN'T let my partner down so I kept my mouth shut and decided to "walk off the pain." We stayed ahead of the trio and when we stopped for me to stretch AGAIN, We had almost completed one entire lap. "Ahhhhh" I was thinking. "I'm almost done!" But we got to the entrance of Books-A-Million and I honestly believe that Jerry sped up. He denies it but I'm pretty sure he did! I was sucking wind at this point and couldn't get enough air to gasp out, "I need to stop now. I can't do this anymore." Not that he would have heard me through his headphones... So now we are beginning lap two at a breakneck pace that is taking all that I've got and everything I can borrow just to keep up. Jerry is smiling and greeting fellow walkers. I'm STILL sucking wind! At this point, my feet hurt, my shoes pinch, my ankles feel wobbley, my hips ache and my back is throbbing and spasming. I won't look at my demon husband now! I won't let him know he's beaten me!!! So I just focus on the beat of the music and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep telling myself, "When I get to _________ I'll take another stretch break." But I couldn't and we didn't. We just... kept.... walking... And the trio? They passed us up a little more than halfway through our second lap. For Jerry, that was "hitting the wall" and he seemed to lose all of his steam all of a sudden. He looked beaten and defeated! Was I compassionate? Oh HELL no! I heckled him, prodded him, nudged him, encouraged him and harangued him when all else failed. I regaled him of the times he was by my side when I was delivering our sons and he would tell me I couldn't quit, I had to keep pushing. I would assure him that I had nothing left to push with and shriek at him to BURN IN HELL for doing this to me AGAIN! He would squeeze my hand and I would attempt to squeeze all the blood out of his hand and together, we worked, him pushing me; me pushing out another big baby boy. You know, he actually smiled when I was telling him that. So our pace was slowed a bit, but WE FINISHED!!! it was a moment of triumph! I felt like Rocky Balboa and wanted to raise both my arms and dance around in a little circle in the book store! The upside of walking with a partner? You don't want to let them down and will do almost anything to keep from it. When one of you can't go on another step, or you think you can't, the other steps in and mentally pushes you along because you can no longer push yourself. When both of you cross YOUR finish line, your victory is shared and you share the awareness that you wouldn't (and probably couldn't) have done it alone! So to my walking partner, my best friend, my lover, my husband, my partner in life, I owe a huge debt of gratitude. And a massive pat on the back ~ he says he'll settlle for nice, long, leisurely back rub. I'm good with that! WE earned it!!!
Tags: Walking Partner
Some would question whether or not what I'm listening to could even be called music. My sons come to mind first!
I've decided to take myself back to the walking circle, track, mall, whatever I can find open and available to get my posterior in gear to feel GOOD! I'm listening to my favorite reggeaton - Notch! Listening to it makes me want to wiggle my hips, strut, dance the latin dances, and do naughty things to my husband. The backbeat is STRONG which is essential to walk to. It also has a reasonbly fast tempo. Not exhausting but certainly enough to make me stop talking and break a sweat! I'm soooo ready to do all of those things. So I'm climbing out of the pity pool and drying off my pruny psyche! I'm ready to strut off some of this angsty sadness that has permeated my life for the last week. What's changed? My kids went back to school today Why did I used to like it when they were home? Oh yeah... I was YOUNGER and in better shape to keep up with them. Now it's a race to keep up and I'm perpetually exhausted from trying and failing. No, this blog post isn't very long but it's long enough to convey what I want. THE PITY PARTY IS OVER AND THERE IS NO. LAST. CALL!!! To my friends who dropped in to comfort me, THANK YOU. Special thanks to those who were unafraid to hand me a towel with the unspoken message that it was time to get out and dry off. I heard you the 13th time already.... sheesh~ Seriously though, THANKS! There is nothing that compares to having a friend who is brave enough and loves you enough to tell you to get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself! I'm a lucky woman ;-} Hugs, Karyn
Tags: Notch Reggeaton
It feels pretty hollow saying that - especially as the subject! I don’t know why I expected today to be better than the days of this past week. Having the kids home all week has been brutal. My roller coaster/freight train hormones have been driving the bus for the last 5 days or so and I feel a mix right now of intense anger, profuse sadness and fragmentation of anything else that can be called feeling or emotion. I would like nothing better than to pull myself together but I’m actually afraid of the monster I might be if that were actually to manifest. It is easier to understand suicidal feelings (and have them) when every day you start out telling yourself it’s going to be a great day. But it isn’t. And you end each horrific day with telling yourself, as you thankfully close your eyes on another dark chapter, that tomorrow is going to be the turning point. It’s going to turn around and you won’t even recognize yourself as this sad, angry creature that made everyone’s lives miserable for the last... week? month? quarter? year? decade? The worst part is not knowing how long it will last and how long YOU will last and bear up under the weight of it. You look into the faces of those who love you and see them tormented BY you and you wonder how your sticking around could possibly be any kind of gift or blessing to any of you. And at some point, you realize that you don’t have it in you to terminate yourself. The unknown is what you fear most in life... and in death. You just can’t summon whatever it is that makes you jump off into that abyss of the unknown. Darkness and despair are your frequent companions but at least you know them. You see them, you recognize them and you try to banish them. If you succeed, you know it’s only one battle, not the war. They WILL be back! If you fail, you lie down to lick your wounds, whisper to a higher power (PLEASE... let there be a higher power than can hear my cries?) for strength to regroup and re-establish backbone! You rest quietly and wonder if it, if you, even matter. And you listen to music that speaks of your pain ~
Tags: Badday
No Real Progress  I last blogged I don't even remember when. It's been a frustrating few months. I've struggled to alter my eating habits and exercise habits, trading them in for better ones. Now I am in better shape. More endurance. Better flexibility. But no weight loss and no loss of inches either. I'm so frustrated I'm often reduced to tears.
I'd really like to kick the everlivin' shit out of all the "experts" who tout intake vs. output and say that a calorie is a calorie is
a calorie, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah. I'm am living proof to the contrary.
Now I am a BIG woman. Taking up high intensity aerobics or running or anything else that a person of reasonably normal stature can undertake with caution is not an option for me. I'm doing what I CAN do but it isn't what a smaller person could do. I keep thinking it will get easier but that hasn't happened yet!
Please; those of you who read this, DO NOT feel the need to share what worked for you or someone you know. I've been down enough different diet and health roads to write my own atlas. I have come to the conclusion that what works for others DOES NOT work for me. I NEED to find my own way and I'm very able and willing to do my own research at my own pace and log my own progress. I've not given up but neither am I upright and rarin' to go.
Right now I feel discouraged, defeated, disillusioned and more than a little pissed off at people that it comes easy to, who feel they can give me advice when they have NEVER taken so much as a single step in my shoes, within the confines of my life and my circumstnace and most importantly, MY body! I'm soooooooo sick of people telling me "you shouldn't eat that" or "you just need to eat smaller portions" or "just push yourself away from the table while you are still hungry."  Are you f*cking kidding me???? I'm a 335# woman looking at making permanent lifestyle changes. Can you HONESTLY tell me that you would be willing to "push yourself away while you are still hungry" for the rest of your f*cking life? I'm NOT!!! Hence my overall dissatisfaction with life in general right now!
 I'm posting this blog because I believe there are others out there, just like me. Maybe they are afraid to come right out and say or write what I have here. But they FEEL it! Do them a favor. Do me a favor! Don't patronize us and make silly, idol comments like "I know how you feel" when the most excess weight you have EVER carried is 25 pounds. You don't have a CLUE how it feels so don't pretend you do. If you REALLY want to help, and I do mean REALLY... First, close your mouth and lock your lips, determined to LISTEN without interupting or attempting to counsel. Second, offer your ears and your compassionate heart again, same rules. Third, be prepared to learn things you did not know, see things you did not see, and understand things you would not understand in your zeal to step in and DO or SAY something instead of just quietly sitting on your hands, keeping your mouth shut and LISTENING. It is a gift - TRUST ME! It can also be a skill that is cultivated. So ask yourself, do you REALLY want to help or do you just want a forum to showcase your own successes. Only you can answer that question honestly and you'll have to answer to yourself for it if you lie.
To those of you who have had the sad misfortune to make a silly, idol comment to me or to offer counsel on a subject you know nothing about, know that I DO NOT feel sorry I blasted you for it and I DO NOT apologize! Get a f*cking clue and stop shooting your mouth off before you give even a single thought to what it takes for someone who is suffering to give voice to their anguish ~
I'm having one of "those" days. You know the type? The scale says I'm fine and my clothes are fitting looser but there is just SOMETHING that is making me feel FAT beyond all reason. Fat beyond what the scale says. Fat beyond what my jeans say. Fat beyond what my mirror tells me. And the weird part is that it isn't that I look at myself and feel fat. It's that I'm reclining on my bed reading or watching television or catching my breath from a two mile walk... doesn't matter. I'm at rest. My mind SHOULD be occupied with my book or the show I'm watching or something besides feeling like a mountain of flesh washed up on a Tempur-Pedic® bed. It's not! It's tightly focused on just how much I feel like a beached whale!  In reality, I'm doing pretty well, in all the ways that count. I'm losing inches. I'm down 22 pounds since September 17, 2007. My clothes fit better (though looking better is still a ways off). I'm stronger and more determined to succeed and even physically stronger. I have more endurance. So it makes it hard to comprehend why I would suddenly have a day like this, out of the blue??? Does anyone else ever have days like these? I have had them all of my life. Even when I was "normal" sized. But then, I also have days when I feel REALLY great in my skin, regardless of where or when I am, in my battle with my weight. I feel like there must be something I should be learning from this experience and I just keep missing it. I'm soooo frustrated!!!!! So it isn't really a great day today. But I have hopes for one of those "other" kinds of days real soon ~
My life is kind of a mess. I'm still falling down (figuratively) and getting back up and dusting myself off to start again but it's almost like having emotional vertigo. I keep telling myself , "this will be the one. This time I will succeed. This time I will remain upright and steadfast in my goals until I achieve them and set new goals." But I've got a dusty butt right now... disinclined to change until I feel I've got my legs firmly beneath me and can take the winds that buffet me, that rains that drench my spirit, the sun that burns me out and the freeze of impending failure. I got a St. Rita medal/pendant for my birthday. It's extremely unique in that it is a rose that splits and has a picture of St. Rita inside it, along with the word "PROTEGEME" on the opposite side. Now maybe it is just the power of suggestion but I don't think so. Somehow I feel I'm doing better with St. Rita on my side. I eat less. I'm easily satisfied. I think about what I eat, without obsessing about it. But I'm still trying to find a way to pursue exercise in this blast furnace heat. If I can get to the point of exercising on a regular basis, I think I will have found the formula for my success, and possibly my husband's success as well. Little baby steps... Like that old, stale joke - "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." So I'll take it one bite at a time and believe me, this is an elephant. But at least it isn't something I have to do all at once or within a deadline. My only deadline is the end of my life. But even if that were to be tomorrow, I'd rather die fighting my battles than wither away slowly, from apathy. Today I am hopeful and optimistic. Today, just for today, I can and will do what is right. Today, I will earn my success! And speaking of elephants... I do love them! They are my favorite animal and I made a special climb up a mountain path in the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado recently just to see my beloved elephants. It was soooo worth it!!! I took a picture and I've posted it here. It even raised it's trunk to me - as if wishing me good luck ~ 
An addendum to my last blog...
I love to drink! The thought of dinner without a glass of wine or pizza without beer leaves me cold. Where to go shopping for backbone? It seems to be THAT which I find myself most in need of in this ongoing battle.
My fixes thus far are all terribly temporary, like a band-aid on a bullet wound. After it has soaked through, I'm left wondering if I should let myself bleed to death or just get another band-aid. And another. And another. Once I did let it go... it became suicidal depression and I nearly bled to death mentally, emotionally, spiritually, every way BUT physically. Yet when I go shopping for a solution, I always end up on the band-aid aisle. I want a long term solution but I can't seem to find any backbone to fit me(unintended pun there), thus, I just keep using the quick fix, the band-aid.
It keeps me going and plodding along but it's kind of like trying to find your way from the east coast to the west coast by taking meandering scenic roads, because you didn't pack your map. You might eventually wind up there someday but it will be a total accident.
:::moment of insight::: Maybe my focus is too much on enjoying the journey I'm on right now instead of on the destination I'm trying to reach because the destination is out of my comfort zone. So sub-consciously, I'm purposely avoiding it and prolonging the journey that has become my comfort zone, my excuse, my crutches, my walker, my wheelchair, my scooter, my rose by any other name. Gotta love insights. They are the gems found when mining the mind ~
Yes, I can be extremely verbose. And this from a girl who has been taught to "write tight!" ~sigh~
See ya'll 'round boomers...
Hugs, Karen
And I thought I was finished... :::WHAM!::: Side swiped by another insight, courtesy of SparkPeople daily inspirations. You can see it on my page here, today (they change every day). It says, "A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." - Stephan Dolley Jr. Do I need it to be any clearer than that? I don't think so!
Well, it's been five days and though I really do miss just being able to pour myself a glass of wine or crack open a bottle of beer, I'm feeling almost peachy again. Five days down, nine more to go in this course of treatment. I could live without the alcohol if I didn't have to eat bland food. Or I could live with the bland food if I could have a glass of wine with it or a beer. But bland and no alcohol wants to be my undoing! I don't feel any kind of substantial weight loss (I hoped I might) and my back still hurts pretty bad first thing in the morning... okay, it hurts REALLY bad ~ enough to make me get my big ass out of bed before I have finished sleeping. I'm about 99% certain that the back pain will leave me when a substantial amount of weight does. So I walk and try to stay moderately active and eat lighter and blander meals and I don't drink. I didn't expect the weight to melt off of me like butter but I honestly expected a decent loss of water weight and I haven't seen that either. So maybe alcohol isn't what is making me gain. But it isn't helping me to lose anything but my sanity by foregoing it. I keep going back to what my grandma told me - moderation is key. Do everything, enjoy everything, in moderation and you'll live many years to enjoy that much more. I like that idea. Though at this present weight, I'm not exactly hoping to be this uncomfortable for even longer. So for now, I'm climbing a BIG hill and it's taking most of what I've got and sometimes all I've got. Much of the time I put my head down and just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on with the climb. I know that I may have to break and rest but I'm not there yet so the trudge upward and onward continues. I think I've discovered my dieting flaw though... Jerry and I were talking about it the other night. I don't have whatever it is that keeps you going. My motivation, inspiration, willpower, whatever it is that gets you to your goals, I don't have enough of it to get me through this long journey to reach my goal. And I don't know where to go to stock up on it or to get more when I'm in desperate need of it! If I can ever figure that out, I may actually win this war! If I don't, I'll just fight skirmishes and battles with my weight, all the days of my life. The thing is... I don't believe that there is just one answer. I think that the answer is as individual as we are. We have to find our answer for ourselves and the ones who succeed have found it; their key, the "weapon of choice" with which to win the war. I don't even know where to look ~
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