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Anyone that knows me is aware that I have a passion for ladies that dress in all black. Spandex, leather, silk, satin, denin or cotton. I had been dating Char for about 2 months and when she heard of my fondness for black she began to dress in it whenever we went out.
Now this happened one night when we went to a fancy resturant and spent a great deal of time in their lounge afterwards. She had surprized me when I picked her up by wearing a black velvet mini dress complete with black nylons and heels. Her stunning brunette hair along with the above combination took my breath away. It was well after 2:00 am when I returned her home and we sat in my car stuck to each others faces for quite awhile. So why the car? We had both suffered some bad luck employment wise and were forced to surrender your apartments and return to the nest.
Our parents welcomed us back with a few conditions and rules. One rule about no guests after 11:00 PM. So we stayed in my car.
My hands fondled her through the tight black velvet dress. I wore a jacket made of black velvet, hey it was the late 70's and it was considered very stylish. So in the middle of our touching and kissing when she says in an alarmed voice, "Don't move".
"Why?"
" I just lost a contact". This was going to be tricky. Both of us clad in black velvet with our arms around each other. Turning on the interior light would not help. My car was cherry red Chevy Nova that had been customized by its former owner inside and out. The interior featured thick black shag carpeting. Adding to all the above was the fact my lady love had eyes as dark as mine. So you can guess what color her contact was.
So we sat there wrapped in each others arms while slowly glancing around hoping to see a shiny circle of dark against the flat black interior. After about 15 minutes of searching I suddenly looked her in the eyes and asked, "Do you have a mole on your left breast?" "No?, why?"
"Because I have found your missing contact."
She slowly unwound one arm and managed to lick her finger and pick up the wayward lens and placed it in its carrying case.
"From now on you get the pretty girl with glasses," she informed me with a smile.
From that point on the contacts were removed before any wrestling occured.
Using a Nome de Cinema or Nom de Plum can sometimes be a real pain in the butt. I once did a Halloween appearance at a Girl Scout party, they paid me with a check made out to Count Dracula. Try cashing that and not have the bank manager give you a strange look. Thankfully they allowed me to endorse it and it was deposited into my account. To continue: A good friend of mine was due to undergo back surgery and would not be able to work for 3 months. His bosses were in a panic as a replacement would be hard to find and they didn't want to work the 2nd employee to death. The job was to deliver rental cars to businesses and residence's. You simply hooked up an old VW bug to the rear of the rented car using a temporary tow bar system and drive to their residence or buisness. Once the vehicle was signed for you simply unhooked the bug and returned to the dealership. Well my buddy Gene said he had a friend that was unemployed and if you paid him under the table he would cover his time away and not pitch a fit when he returned. I came in for an interview and they liked me and I was hired. My time in the office was most enjoyable as they had just hired an absolute gorgeous brunette named Char.
We all chatted in between deliveries and I regaled them with stories of the Haunted House and some of the people I knew in the radio broadcasting industry, I don't think they believed me. One day they mentioned a very well known part time radio host and a very popular, well liked and well read constant caller to the popular talk stations, nicknamed "The Vicious Piranha, was good friends of the dealerships owner and them." I suppose you know him also?", the boss asked. "Yes, I know him, and he knows me.", I responded. Well it would happen that a week later that "Vish", as he liked to be called just happened to come into the dealership and of course stopped in visit his friends in the rental department. "We have a friend of yours working for us.", my boss stated. "Really? Who?", Vish asked. They said my name and he responded with a, "I don't know anyone by that name.".
They were overjoyed and figured they had caught me in a lie, and I was paged to report to the office. As soon as I waked in the door Vish stood and said "Good Afternoon Count Dracula". The stunned look on the face of my co-workers and boss were priceless. Then he proceeded to tell some of the same stories I had told but filling in some detail that I had neglected. My bosses were impressed, so was Char, but that is another story..
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.. Her name was Elaine, and at that time in my young life she was the most attractive female I had ever met. I never saw her in a dress or skirt that wasn't a mini and she was addicted to high heel boots and shoes. Her blouses all featured plunging necklines offering a brief view of her breasts over the tops of her sexy lingere. Her figure was such that whatever she wore always looked custom made, and her voice could give a statue an erection. I was introduced to her shortly after I quit school by a mutual friend, and I attended numerous gatherings at her house.
She was friendly and always greeted my arrival with a hug and a kiss, I observed that she did not do that with any of the other males. I soon discovered during our conversations that we shared many similar interests. It seemed to me when I was at these parties she always seemed to find a reason to sit or stand near me.
Soon I became a love sick dedicated devotee. My infatuation was such that I was on 24 hrs call for anything she needed or wanted. A simple phone call would bring me running.
However many months later when I finally proclaimed my love and desire for her she shot me down with a, " You're nice, but not my type". Her preference was for the long and lean bad boys. Her current intrest was a guy named Jimmy. He claimed to be a biker yet had no motorcycle. He was a unemployed coke head, alcoholic, and treated her like a plaything, yet she thought the Sun rose and set at his command. Any warnings about how he really was was and how badly he was treating her from me or any other male friend were always ignored and met with anger.
"You're just angry because your not getting any," was her usual retort. Warnings from her female friends were just ignored. Well I was devistated by her rejection to say the least, but I got over it and life moved on, and so did I. Fast forward 15 years later. I am working an off duty job at a Bingo Hall when I heard someone call my full name. I turn and see this VERY overweight blonde approaching me. I just stared at her as I did not reconize her.
"Excuse me ,do I know you?," I questioned. "Its me silly, Elaine." I would have never reconized her if she had not told me her name. Gone were the short skirts and dresses, they had been replaced by sweatpants.
The skin tight blouses with their plunging neckline had been substituted for a baggy sweater, also absent were the high heel boots, she now sported flip-flops.
She eyed my shape, crisp blue uniform and spit shined boots and said " Wow, you look great." I thanked her and told her that I spend 4 days a week in the gym.
I stood and listened to her lame attempt to summerize the last 15 years of her life. I was saved from her verbal barrage when they announced they were about to begin.
During one of the breaks she wandered over to my post near the counting room. Up close I observed that her long blond locks hand not been cut or conditioned in quite a while. Her once glowing skin took on a pasty look appearence.
"Ya know,"she started, "If your not busy after after this place closes you could drop over for coffee and a chat or whatever." She gave me a wink and a wicked smile to indicate that "whatever" meant sex.
I informed her I was not busy, but declined the offer. "What's the matter, you married or somthin?", she asked with just a hint of anger. "No, I am not married or somthin".I responded mimicing her speech. "Then what's your problem?," she countered.
"My problem is "You're just not my type anymore."
" So I got older and just picked up a little weight," she added angerly. I reminded her that we were about the same age and that she didn't just pick up a little weight.
" Screw you," she responded.
"Not on the best day that you'll ever draw breath", I answered and I headed outside.
At closing time I took up my post outside to insure the female patrons made it to their cars safely, I chatted and shared a smoke with one of the stunning teen female volunteers. Elaine walked by and gave us a dirty look but didnt say anything. She eventually rolled up to the curb, lowered her window and glared at us." Don't you think she's a little young for for you Officer?," she asked sarcasticly. " You're just jealous cause your not getting any," was my response.
She flipped us off as she drove away. Karma does happen. It just takes its sweet old time getting here...
It was my first trip to Vegas, I was single at the time and decided it was time to visit the place that so many of my friends and relatives had raved about. There was no internet to check room rates back them, but the travel section in the Sunday paper always showed which agents had junkets to Vegas and the prices. I found one at a great price and booked it. The excitment I felt vanished when I wound up sitting in front of an older male that burped, moaned and farted while reading aloud from a travel brochure. I say moaned because he was one of these annoying folks that put sound behind every exhale. We encountered a strong headwind and we not making any decent time. When we landed to take on food and I suddenly smelled cigarette smoke and left my seat and headed to the front of the plane to investigate. There I found of the 2 flight attendants enjoying a smoke at the entrance to the jetway. They requested me to return to my seat and I declined and lit up and related the experience of sitting in front front of the burping, farting and moaning machine.
At that point the pilot exited the cockpit and placed a cigarette in his mouth while the attendants proceeded to tell on me, if this had been post 09/11 I would have been in trouble. I produced my police ID and told the the pilot my take of woe " Oh , let him enjoy his cigarette.", was his response. I returned to my seat feeling less stressed, and it was a dammed good thing as we didnt reach Vegas for another 2 hours thanks to the headwind. _______________________________________________________ Another bad flight was returning from Cancune. I sat in a row with a very stunning teenager who for reasons unknown decided to return to the Northwest in February wearing her cut off jean short-shorts and her tiny bikini top. Less than 1/2 hr into the flight she complained to her Mom and Dad seated in the row in front of us that she was freezing,.Well Mom and Dad didnt have any extra clothing to give her and I could see she was shaking. So I offered her my lined satin jacket which she accepted. She was a little bitty thing, maybe 5'0" and 100 lbs so she donned my jacket and curled herself into a ball and fell fast asleep. Now I was the one who was cold. I asked the flight attendant to have them raise the cabin heat, they never did. I asked for a blanket, she infomed me that they were all taken, this must have been the worst airline I was ever on. I couldn't even get a cup of hot tea, but I toughed it out. As soon as the wheels touched the runway the young lady woke up, and handed me my jacket. I got a kiss on the cheek and a Thank You. I was rewarded for my kindness. I held the door open to the Customs area for 99% present of the passengers that were laden down with items to declare which meant I would be last in line, I didnt care I was home. Well the last person in the door was a Customs agent who said, " Follow me". He opened up a 2nd Inspection line and I was first. Since I had only a carry on and nothing to declare,so I was through in under 2 minutes... Those were the last junkets I ever flew..
With Halloween only a couple of days away I am reminded of the numerous parties that I was contracted to perform at, chief among these were parties held by local singles groups. Online dating was in its infancy and many folks still wanted to meet prospective friends/lovers face-to-face, so these groups held weekly parties. They had some great turnouts, but it was the Halloween parties that really brought them out. I was contracted to play at one of these parties,and the turnout was awesome.At one point I went to the bar to get my 2nd, 3rd or 5th drink and I noticed an older well dressed well groomed male (sans costume) standing there, he was attempting to chat up a couple of attractive ladies dressed as Can-Can Dancers. "Couldn't decide on a costume?", I questioned in a friendly way.
I received a 3 minute disertation in response to my question on how costumes were childish and designed to cover up ones short comings and as he was a complete adult he felt no need to disguse his true being under a mask. I looked at him and said " I pray to God I never get as old as you" and walked away.
My bartender buddy told me that the ladies who overheld his speech to me gave him a strange look and walked away saying " You're WAY too old and mature for us". __________________________________________ Among the many memorable parties I preformed there was one that stands out. I was contracted by a large dance club to function as the emcee. They had a house DJ and I was concerned about hurt feelings on his part as he would spend the entire Evening in the DJ booth. Upon my arrival I went to the booth to introduce myself. He informed me that it was at his suggestion that they hire an emcee as he had no desire to be center stage. So I had pleny of time between sets to wander the very large club and "schoomze" with those in attendance. I saw her sitting alone during one of my circles of the club. She was an attractive brunette dressed as a French Maid, as I got closer to her I noticed this was not a standard costume, it was made of a rubber like substance. I took the seat opposite her and I noticed she was very uncomfortable, and I sought to put her at ease and before I could open my mouth she spoke in a voice as deep as mine. " Save your breath, Drac, I'm a guy". "TG?", I questioned which is the polite way of asking. " Nope", he responded. " I lost a bet with my wife and this was her payoff. "I dont suppose you want to tell me about the bet",I questioned and he shook his head no.
"My wife is an accomplished seamstress and her sister is a professional make up artist', he continued. "What you see is a combination of 2 weeks planning and 3 hours in the make-up chair.", he informed me. "How long do you have to stay here?", I asked. "Only 2 hours, and before you ask I cannot hide out in the mens room as she has someone watching me", was his response. He had about an hour left and so I stayed and chatted with him. It seems that he had been hit on by every male in the place,some were even more interested when he informed them that he was also a male.
The musical set ended I returned to the stage for another contest. During the contest I saw my friend stand and wobble on his high heels toward the entrance. When The music started again I left the stage and headed toward the entrance I spoke to the cop at the door and was informed that as soon as he hit the sidewalk he took off his heels and RAN to his car at full speed. Moral of the story: Guys,use caution when making a bet with your wife.
Some wedding couples and their party need to be told that their bridal gown, bridesmaid gowns and rented tuxes will not give them powers of toleration to alcohol. Example: At one weddding the Groom approached me and asked how soon could we do the bridal dance, I was puzzled because dinner was only half over.I told him whenever he wanted, and then asked why so soon. It seems his Bride had champagne with breakfast and there were a few bottles in the limo that were cracked open right after the church service and enjoyed on the way to the Gazebo for pictures,and finished on the way back to her parents house. They managed to get a sandwich in her before heading out to the reception hall, but upon their arrival it was back to the champagne. "I dont think she will be on her feet much longer",he observed. So I begin the bridal dance, and at her Fathers request we would forgo the Father/Daughter dance As he had observed she was almost dead on her feet, she made it to the dance floor and was out in about 1 min. The pictures, thank to the skills of the photographer, would appear that she had layed her head on her Groom's shoulder for the dance and had her eyes closed. Only those of us present knew that she was out cold, she was then carried to the Bride's powder room where she spend the remainder of her reception passed out. _____________________________________________ Even Groom's, no matter how big or how much of a tolerence to alcohol they believe they have can over indulge. At another reception the goom had been pounding down drinks since they arrived, he kept telling his bride and friends that he was fine. He excused himself to use the men's room and was forgotten about for about an hour. When it was time for pictures they went to locate him, and a search started when he was not found in the men's room. His car was in the lot, so he didnt attempt to drive anywhere. They eventually found him in a storage closet curled up on the floor sound asleep. He had made a pillow out of some clean table cloths and covered himself with his tux jacket. ___________________________________________ At one very large Italian reception, the groom kept calling folks up to do a shot with him. He was big likeable guy with a marvelous "Jersey" accent, and used my "mic" to call these folks. First all the male cousins and female cousins were called.Then his Uncles and Aunts from both sides of the family. He even requested that the bartenders, servers join him for a shot, which we did. Then he called all his Nieces and Newphews and this went on between his dancing his heart out. A few hours later I saw him motion to his best man, and after a whispered conversation the best man steered him in the direction of the mens room. Much to my surprize he didnt pass out or stumble while waking, instead he threw up. Now to add to this embarassment, he was wearing a white tux and they had spaghetti with red marinara sauce as the main course. So if ya have a wedding coming up, go easy on the booze. You dont want to miss your own reception
One of my drivers related this story and it was too funny not to share. It seems that around 11 pm the drivers both observed the dark sedan constantly cruising around the airport. It would slow down occasionally and then speed away only to make another loop. The driver was standing outside of his shuttle having a smoke when he spotted the vehicle in question and was going to alert the police as this strange behavior had been going on for about 1/2 hour or better. This time the vehicle stopped opposite my driver and rolled down the window.The driver was a large African -American who looked like a tough customer and my driver was ready to seek shelter inside his shuttle if need be. "Hey driver," the driver asked in a deep yet pleasant voice that was void of menace. "Where the hell is door 10?" I have been making loops around here and can't spot it". My driver informed the male there is no Door 10. "My girlfriend said she was would be standing outside Door 10," the male added. "Maybe you should call her back again", my driver suggested. The male pulled to the curb and picked up his cellphone. About 2 mins later he heard a very loud, WHAT!! As the male was pulling away he yelled to my driver. She forgot to tell me she was at the Cinncinatti airport.
It was the first and only time my wife and I flew a gambling junket to Vegas. This was pre 911 but we were still required to be at the airport almost 2 hours early. We waited in line at the airline counter and watched the employees arrive with their Morning coffee and pastries, at that time there was no place for coffee before security so we did without. We were spelling each other on cigarette breaks. When I saw the airline counter began to place tags on the peoples luggage I crushed my 1/2 smoked cigarette out and headed back in line. The last whisps of smoke escaped from outside and followed me in. In the area between the set of glass doors stood thin and disagreeable looking older female. " Jeezas Kerist",she said, "what a nasty smell.". I stopped and looked at her. She was 5'1'' and maybe 125 lbs versus my 6'1'' 250 lbs. "Excuse me. did you say something?" I questioned. "What are ya deaf?" she responded,"I said its a nasty smell and all you smokers should be banned from flying". As there were others within earshot she did not get the response I would have normally given, which would have been most unpleasant. I just returned to my spot in line and proceeded with the check in. 4 1/2 hrs later we were in Vegas.
That Evening as I am in Harrahs playing the slots and I spot this same nasty female not 2 machines down from me, she is sitting in the smoking section So I light up and discretly blown smoke in her direction ,she is oblivious to it and kept feeding the machine quarters and pulling the handle.
She stayed for an hour, and everytime I lit up I secretly blew smoke in her direction. She finally left and all I could do was laugh.
Standing at Cleveland Hopkins Airport having a smoke and chatting with my Clevaland Police buddies. This stunning young lady exits the Arrivals door. She is clad in a very short loose fitting mini skirt,a skin tight top and 3 inch heels. The warm winds are occasionally blowing her skirt up to reval to all looking in her direction that she is wearing a thong and lace top thigh highs. A tough looking older male exits about 5 min later and when he sees me and my brother-in-blue looking in her direction he stomps over and states, " That's my daughter you fucking preverts are leering at and she's only 15". "So tell her to put some fucking clothes on and we wont look", said my buddy. Somewhat taken a back he then stared at me. "You got something to say asshole? I held up one finger to indicate he should wait a minute and I removed my retirement badge flapped it in his face."I aint got shit to say", the officer already said it best. Defeated the male walked away and pulled the girl back inside the building..
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