This is the second poem my English professor was impressed with and encouraged me to submit to "Expressions." There really isn't any particular rules or fomat to follow and writers are free to use slang or revalent modern contextual references. Slam poetry is an increasingly more popular form of poetry and one that is gaining recognition in academic poetry publications and contests. Though I had never heard of it, slam competitions are aired on Showtime, and there are many poems available for viewing on u-tube.

We were instructed to choose one topic we were personally invested in and then "slam" it. I chose my marriage. After more than 20 years involved in a verbally abusive relationship, where fear ruled my home, I'd say I was more than personally invested. And yes, I did cry while writing it. It brings about memories that cut deep into my core. 

*Note: There are 2 words in my writing that may be offensive. I opted not to change them. They were his words, not mine.

"You Say You Just Want to be Free"

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy, but you linger behind wreaking havoc for days, stomping, pouting, making everyone around you in a craze, and we are afraid. We run, hide, and cower, even hide in the shower, waiting for the moment you’re going to explode and hoping it will be somewhere that we don’t know. But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy, but you still come home night after night, turning on the TV and bringing with you your unhappy plight and there’s no relief in sight--for you…or me. Pretending things are alright even after we fight. I lay in silence as you paw at me in the middle of the night, thinking this will make things alright? But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy, but you bring home trinkets vendors threw away, scavenged from the dumpsters hoping it will make my day. Then you think it’s time to play. I have to drop everything and go your way even if it means babies are left in harm’s way. I’m forced to play your games your way. But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy, but you wallow in self-pity while I offer you every sympathy, holding your hand in sincerity, trying to comfort you compassionately, but you say you don’t need my pity, you just want a beer and a little pussy but not from this whore, from someone you love more than me. But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy but you put on such show so others will know how I make you look good, how I make you glow, and even when you’re low you can still make me blow. But what they don’t know is how it isn’t so and how much I just want you to go. Don’t you know? But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy, thought you had everything planned, thought you’d be the man showing everyone ‘I can’ but you didn’t know the value of what you had and how much you’d really lose when I finally learned how to say, “I am!” That’s when the shit hit the fan and you’d no longer be my man. But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy. I gave you what you wanted now every day you regret it. You want to come home, I scream, “You’re a fool! Forget it!” Got caught up in your games and now I regret it. Now you’re old and completely out of it saying you live for Christ but you’re still just full of it. But you say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy.

You say you just want to be free, you just want peace and to be happy. You fake a smile but you can’t hide it from me. You miss the life you had, your kids and me. You can try to pretend, but you’ll never break free. The guilt you will bear every day of your life, drowning your sorrows in the arms of your new wife, wishing you could still blame me for your life. All you ever wanted was just to be free, you just wanted peace and to be happy. As it turns out, free is now me.

5 comments View Entry

My English professor gave the following instructions: Write an "I am from..." poem using specific moments in my life that contribute to who I am today. While it's not a typical "Roses are Red" poem that rhymes, and you may not understand all the references, what follows is a condensed compilation of my life from as far back as I can remember (around age 2) and continuing until present day. I could probably write 50+ pages of various moments in my life, but we were limited to two pages (not an easy feat for me).

I understand this is not everyone's cup of tea, and if you don't like it, that's fine. My instructor wrote the words, "WOW! This gave me goosebumps!" and she encouraged me to submit it for the 2013 edition of 'Expressions'--a collection of artwork, poetry, short stories, photographs, and other artistic works from students and faculty members.

While writing, rewriting, and editing, I found myself in tears reflecting on so many memories that came flooding forth. Here's the finished poem:

I AM FROM...

by JOCELYN

I am from Betty Lee, Grandma and Grandpa Cole, and the duplex where mommy rents the right side while Grandma and Granpa rent the left. From telling the welfare lady, "We have green bread," while mommy says, "It's for feeding the ducks" and wishing I had a daddy.

I am from three steps down and three steps up and into Grandma's arms and charging Grandpa half dollars just to walk through the door. From "Santa Mouse," the raggedy purple 'moo-moo' and Grandma's pressure cooker whistle, and sitting on the counter at Mommy's "Hondapas" motocycle shop.

I am from Step Daddy John and little brother, John-John, five years younger and adored by everyone. From vacations to Disneyland and Washington, riding horses, and the red-headed step child at family reuntions and rodeos where the women whisper, "You can tell she's not a Pinheiro."

I am from California sunshine, Billy and Denise, slip-n-slides, hide-and-seek, riding bikes around the block and chasing after the ice cream truck for orange push-ups and sidewalk sundaies. From Waller Park pony rides, Lopez Lake witer slides, Paul Nelson pool, and weekend barbeques of tritip, pinto beans, potato salad, and garlic French break. "It's done when you run out of beer."

I am from braces and ponytails, Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Atari, Bernie's sundaes, dance recitals, skating rinks, and Friday nights watching Dallas at the foot of Mommy's bed. From "Good night and I love you, Mommy and Daddy" waiting to hear them respond, "Good night and I love you, Jodi" says Mommy, but Daddy never could.

I am from pom poms, dancing at "The Cheese" and crusin' Broadway in "the Vette." From Duran Duran, "I want my MTV," and Chris, Nick, and Greg, while Daddy stands in the driveway, laughs, and sings, "Another One Bites the Dust."

I am from, "Too much makeup, young lady," big hair, bracelets and studded belts galore, grey, felt Fedoras, Madonna, 501's, Sassoon, and "the Jordache look." From looking cool hanging at the mall with Birkenstocks and a Diet Coke but inside still wishing I could have been "Daddy's little girl." But Daddy never could.

I am from 20 years of trying to please, serving him dinner on a tray in the bedroom while he hides from our five boys. From constant belittling laughter, "You have poor time management" "You look like a boy" and "If you would have..." From wanting to be loved, but George never could.

I am from making a new life, trying to survive as a single mom in a world where every odd is against me, yet facing each one head on--and conquering. From days filled with classes, where there are never enough hours, money, or security, and long nights spent hovering over books. From wishing Mommy was here to listen, but she can't.

I am from truly loving Damon, beautiful picture comments and lyrics that strike emotions deep inside, tears of joy or sadness pouring forth at any moment, and writing so many unspoken words I'll never voice. From an uncertain future, imagining what will come, and scared to take the next step. From wishing Daddy would, but know now it's just me--and I can.

1 comments View Entry

REASONS 

By Jocelyn 

I love the way he laughs 
I love the way he’s kind 
I love the way he cares & smiles 
I love the way he shines 

I love how he dresses 
I love how he’s bright 
I love how he walks & talks 
I love how he writes 

I love the sound of his voice 
I love the darkness of his eyes 
I love his smell & his style 
I love the brilliance of his mind 

I love the way that he touches 
His kisses are surreal 
I love his beautiful form & fashion 
I love the way he makes me feel 

I love the way he makes me smile 
His face is ever anew 
I love the way he’s one-in-a-million 
No one else could ever do 

I love the way he puts himself 
In everything he does 
I love the way that he’s silly 
The way he exhales just because 

I love the way he’s playful 
When no one but me can see 
I love the way he’s romantic 
When it’s just him & me 

But most of all, without a doubt, 
More than all the riches in the world 
The one thing I most treasure & adore 
Our precious time spent together 
Always leaves me wanting more…

0 comments View Entry

WITHOUT YOU 

By JOCELYN 

Without you in my life, 
I feel I just exist 
Without you by my side, 
None I desire to ever kiss 

The skies are ever darkened 
Shadows encompass me around 
Even the brightest days are dreary 
Never smiles, always frowns 

Many moments, simple things 
No difficult task nor fears 
These I long to share with you 
If only you were here 

To escape thoughts of you 
I'd douse the flames that burn within 
Memories haunt my saddened soul 
Pain would only rear its ugliness again 

Without you in my life 
My blood will still race throughout my veins 
Morn will burst forth upon the horizon 
Tis not I who holds its shining reins 

If t'was my choice which path this life to go 
A glorious eagle I'd choose to be 
Soaring gracefully overhead 
Out of sight, never more to see...

0 comments View Entry

IF EVERY TIME

By JOCELYN

I'll never forget the way you looked
When I saw you there that night
The way you just seemed to glow
In the warm and gentle night...

Your smiles they overwhelmed me
Your laughter greeting the ears of mine
Your eyes sparkling bright and true
As I thought, "If every time..."

If every time you crossed my mind
A drop of rain should fall,
We could swim forever
In the greatest ocean of all...

If every time I was proud of you
A flower bloomed anew,
I could walk eternally
In a garden next to you...

If every time I craved your lips
A star was placed in sight,
Darkness would never fall upon
Our love of endless light...

If every time you touched my heart
A bell would somewhere chime,
We could listen 'till the end of days
To the music that's yours and mine...

If every time I reflect upon our lives
Precious moments spent so tenderly,
I'd gladly do it all again
Even into Eternity...

My love and heart are yours...
Every time

Tags: by JOCELYN

2 comments View Entry