A year and a half ago I quit smoking. Good for me, yea, all that stuff. It's been hard after smoking for 47 years but I did it. Problem is, as everyone does, I gained weight also. Good thing I had lost 50 lbs. the year before I quit cause it's almost all back on. In this day and age, where is the miracle pill that makes us quit wanting to eat instead of smoke. Why can't we just do one without having to do the other?

Found out today that I'm going to have to start taking insulin along with the diabetic pills and all the others. And a new pill for the electrolites that are out of whack also. Ain't old age fun? Tired of all of it. Wonder just what would happen if I refuse to take all that stuff? Maybe I'd become normal again!! that or just start smoking again.

Tags: diabetes

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I apologize that I haven’t been on here and not even posted a notice why. Three weeks ago I started taking Chantix, the stop smoking med they’ve got out now. It’s not nicotine, it tells your brain you don’t want nicotine instead. And it’s been working.

You keep smoking the first week. That’s when I identified “triggers”. When I was smoking the most or smoking simply out of habit. When I get in the car I light up. Doesn’t matter if I just put one out in the house, I’d go to the car and light up. So that first week I quit smoking in the car. As I started identifying these triggers, I started trying to eliminate them. And that’s why I haven’t been on the puter. That’s my biggest trigger. I’d sit here and light one after the other whether I actually smoked it or not. So I had to slow down on the puter.

The first week I said no smoking in the car and no smoking at the puter and went from 2 packs a day to 1. The second week I was supposed to quit, but was having difficulty, but did go down to about 12 cigarettes a day. Finally, on Sunday, 6/24 I said that’s it, whatever I smoke today is it. So had my last cigarette that Sunday night before I went to bed. And haven’t had one since.

But it’s hard. I’ve smoked for 47 years!!! That’s why I had to stay off the puter for a while. I’d get on long enough to check email, pay bills, what I really had to, but that was it. By the time I’d do that I needed to get off here. Then, the other day, I thought I was ready to get on and face not smoking for however long I was on, and the first thing I did was come across the announcement about Mauryne. I sat here and bawled for 30 minutes and got off. Couldn’t do it.

So here I am again, and it’s a lot easier since I’ve been off the smokes completely for 10 days now. It’s still not easy, but I’m coping a lot better each day. But, I needed something to help. Don’t really care to chew gum, but tried some sugar-free because I’m diabetic. Two chews and the flavor is gone, not to mention the fact that it sticks like crazy to dentures!! Sugar free hard candies usually have too much carbs. It’s not just the carbs, look at the sugar alchohol content and add that to the carbs. So I finally came across the Ice Breaker mints. They’ve also got a couple of sour flavors that aren’t bad. They’re not very sour! Also got the Tic Tac Chill mints. Actually they’re Cherry. But both these things have less than 1 gram of carbs and less than one of sugar alchohol so they work well. I get the urge for a smoke and reach for the mints instead.

So, I think I’m getting there. It’s just going to be a rough journey!! Next week, on Monday, Shelly (my daughter) and I are heading up to Lake Erie to Kelleys Island. Will be out in nature for 10 days doing a lot of fishing. I have big hopes that it’s going to help a lot getting me over this. I’m determined to stay quit this time no matter what!!!!!

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Sometimes the most difficult part of dealing with what’s going on with sis is the roller coaster ride we’re on. You sort of get your hopes up on days she’s looking and acting better, then there are the days she’s really bad. But you can’t always go by looks. Her labs are coming back worse each week. So it’s just a matter of time.

We’re told the strange color of the urine will come and go for a while, though no one can say for how long, until the kidneys completely shut down. That’s what happened last week. I went down there and the color was back to normal and I was surprised until they told me this. But she was getting out of the bed and sitting in the wheelchair for several hours. She even went down to the dining room to eat lunch, and on Friday even wanted to go smoke a cigarette!!! She’s really weak and has trouble sitting in the wheelchair for long, says it’s hard to hold her head up too long. They get her up around 10, and after lunch around 1 or 2 she’s ready to lay down again. But that’s better than the two weeks before last week. Those 2 weeks you could barely wake her up, some days you just couldn’t, and she wasn’t getting out of bed at all!!

She sat there last Wednesday, and wanted me to check her cell phone to make sure it was charged. But the dementia is getting worse and she had a lot of difficulty getting that out. Was calling the phone a microphone among other things. The worse part of this is that she is aware it. After trying to explain what she wanted for a while, she just stopped and looked at me and said, “I just get so confused.” Then her eyes filled with tears. It just broke my heart. But I know her well and knew what she was trying to say so took care of it. I can’t imagine how bad that must be for her. To know you’re not making any sense when you try to explain something.

I sometimes wish the Lord would be merciful and just get it over with. Then the guilt sets in for feeling that way. But it’s really hard watching her go through this. Guess I should be thankful for every minute with her, but this isn’t really my sis anymore. Not the sis I spent my whole life with.

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Well, I guess we’re getting down to the wire with sis. Friday night (2-6-09) she went into renal failure. Don’t know how long someone can survive with that, no one wants to tell us anything. The urine in her catheter bag looks the color of melted grape popsicles. From what they do tell us it could be any time or weeks. That’s the best I can get from them. But there has to be a better estimate from pros. They called Hospice back in so there is a hospice nurse coming in 3 days a week to bathe her and take care of everything.

So I sit here and jump every time the phone rings. Yesterday, Saturday, my daughter Shel and I went to see her along with her son and his wife. The two sisters and the nephew who all live in Indy all came over too. She was awake the whole time and fairly alert. That’s the first I’ve seen her awake in a week and a half. Needless to say, one or more of us would get up every now and go out in the hall and cry. A lot of that went on. Lots of hugging and crying on each others shoulders.

            Not much else to say, for a change!!! It’s going to be nerve racking around here for a while. I can’t stand for the phone to ring. Even though we’ve sort of expected it for a year, once it gets to this point it’s still very painful.

            Love you all and know you’ll pray for all of us.

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I don’t like to get into all my difficulties. I feel like there are too many of you who have worse problems than mine and when I see what some of you are going through mine seem so insignificant. So I usually keep them to myself. But sometimes you just have to vent!!! And this is one of those times. I’ve been have a bit of a pity party for myself all week!!

I haven’t been on here much lately, for about the last month actually. On Dec. 21, I fell on ice. My left leg went up under me and I wound up sitting on my foot. Well, those of you who have had knee replacements know that your knee doesn’t bend that far anymore! But mine did that day!! Couldn’t get in to see my orthopedist til Jan. 20, so went to emergency. They took x-rays and said nothing was broken and sent me home. Well, the knee swelled up like a grapefruit and turned purple front, back and inside and was very painful at times. That gradually faded. But it took almost the whole month before I saw the doc to do so. The bruise on the top of the knee was actually still visible when I saw him on Tues.. But only a little. Well, when I saw him, he played with it a little, and those of you with knee problems know what I mean! Bend this way, bend that way, twist this way, twist that way!!! By the time he got done, I was in agony again!! He thinks I’ve pulled tendons and ligaments and they my mend and they may not. He put me in a knee brace for six weeks. If it’s not better in that time, we’re going to have to discuss surgery. If we have to do surgery it means removing the entire total knee replacement and putting in a new one. We had to replace the plastic in the right knee in ’01, and that was a piece of cake. But he stressed this would not be like that. I would mean replacing everything! I’m not ready for that to say the least!!!

Then on Wed., the nursing home sent sis to a specialist. From laying in the bed so much, and she lays on her back all the time, her heels have developed sores, and turned black. Even I know that means gangrene is setting in. But if you catch it in time it can be treated. This has been going on for several months and they’ve been treating it. One’s getting better but one isn’t. So off to the specialist. Well, it doesn’t look good. He sent the nursing home specific treatment instructions and she has to go back in 2 weeks. But it doesn’t look good. She may lose part of her foot. Typical diabetic. See why it’s so important to keep that A1C as low as you can!!?? It doesn’t help that she hasn’t walked since she broke the hip in June. No circulation to the feet!

So, we are both playing a waiting game at this point. Don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’ve sat here all week crying for myself one minute and then for her the next! It’s all starting to sink in and I guess I’m starting to accept the possibilities of what could happen. So I’m coming out of the pity party. But the knee still hurts and sitting at the puter any length of time aggravates it. I love you all, and I’m not ignoring you. It’s just difficult to get on here and try to be cheery when I don’t really feel that way. But I’ll get over it. Nothing keeps me down for long and I’m getting back to myself more each day. I’ll get through this with a little help from my friends!!!

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