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Hey everyone

I have thought a few times about deleting this site because I didn't have the energy most of this year to even look at it.  I never felt I could though, because the time I did get to spend her seemed well worth it and enjoyable. The people...you guys...just seem so warm, generous, and real.

I have been gone for so long.  I had an old knee injury.  I had surgery to correct it and it helped.  In some really bizarre way, my knee cap decided to start slowly shifting out of its groove. It was oh so slow.  Since my injury left me with some quad dysfunction, I didn't really notice the knee cap was moving. I did notice my leg got tired faster.  By this time last year, I was having to use a cane most of the time and it just seemed odd to me how weak it was feeling.  Well, eventually the knee moved as far as it could go and then it started wearing out the cartilege.  When it finally got through and I felt the bone pain, it was July and by then, I was noticing that my knee was about 3 inches to the right of where it should be.  Of course, I went to the doctor and the verdict was I had to have a total knee replacement AND going into the surgery there was little hope that the TKR would actually hold and work. I actually had two very good knee surgeons refuse to even try.  So, I went in knowing I might become wheelchair bound. 

The surgery went well, the recovery has been long, brutal and painful. I have at least 18  more months of rehab. 

So, it is finally starting not to hurt all the time, it is finally getting where I can take a few steps without a cane, it is getting better....and here I am checking messages on this site again.

One of my last blogs spoke of my sons mental health and how it was not good.  That too is better now.  He is in a good place now and has been for several months.  I know the bad times may return, but for now, he is almost completely normal.  That makes me, his mom, very happy for this gift of the moment.

Life is really, really good, this March 30, 2008.

Tags: healing

It is Christmas morning.
I am alone, but I am not sad. It is a wonderful time to think and reflect. It is cold (for Houston), raining, and gray. My family is scattered and I am in a quiet house with a brown and white cat loyally perched beside me enjoying the heat from the lamp at my side.

A couple of days ago, I had lunch with my youngest son. He is mildly schizophrenic, the kind that comes on about the time you enter college. He lives with his father and is almost ready to graduate from college. He has good days and bad days and this day was a bad day. He won't take his medication, and that frustrates me because I know how it helps de-fog his mind.

We were very close while he was growing up so it hurts to see his delusions cause him to suspect me of being an enemy. It can make me want to stay away from him in order to avoid these angry thoughts that come from him. I know this is not what he wants or needs so I just keep loving him. On a good day, he is happy and sunny and I begin to hope that it will last and hope the bad days will go away forever. They always return. As painful as it is for me to get the brunt of his delusions, I can't imagine what it is like within his own mind. It must be a scary thing to have this battle going on in your mind, especially when you are super intelligent.

I find myself here, on this Christmas day, going back to my childhood when I believed in Christmas miracles and wondering if a miracle might happen for my son. The miracle could simply be that he gets on and stays on his medication, or it could be that his mind-fog lifts and he is free.

How do those of you out there, with a loved one reconcile this type of thing?