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I like to collect strange facts. It keeps my fertile mind from gathering moss.

 

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the most difficult tongue twister is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.”

 

In 1980, Dr. Paul Ashton, anesthetics registrar at Birkenhead General Hospital Merseyside, in England, worked a 142-hour week.

 

In 1977, Reverend Tony Leyva of West Palm Beach, Florida, delivered a sermon that lasted 72 hours.

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Things to say if caught sleeping at your desk:

· Actually, this is part of the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned in the last mandatory time management seminar you had me attend

· Darn -- I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem

· They told me at the blood bank this might happen

· I was trying to pick up my contact lens without smudging it with my fingers

· Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

· Amen

*  *  *

I spent about eight months working on a computer contract in Memphis in 1999 leading up to the potential disaster known in the computer industry as Y2K. There were lots of rumors about what might happen if the problem couldn’t be resolved. Some of the myths included:

· All microwave ovens and toasters will explode on 1/1/00

· We will be required to dress in 1900 fashion

· It’s all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy

· World War III will be triggered by an essay on Global Warning written by a third grader from New Jersey

· A new number system, excluding the number six, will be imposed by Congress to prevent the arrival of the Beast

· Computers will refer to human beings as U2X Bugs

· Microsoft will win the next four Super Bowls

*  *  *

Someone sent me the following interesting bit about political philosophies explained in simple terms. Suppose you have two cows.

· Socialism – You keep one cow and give one cow to your neighbor.

· Communism – The government takes both cows and provides you the milk.

· Fascism – The government takes both cows and sells you the milk.

· Bureaucracy – The government takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk (once you fill out the proper paperwork) and then pours it down the drain.

· Democracy – The government taxes you to the point that you must sell both cows in order to support a man in a foreign country that has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

· Corporate – You sell one cow, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

· Capitalism – You sell one cow and buy a bull.

*  *  *

Someone sent me the following quips.

· The shortest sentence in the English language is “I am.”

· The longest sentence in the English language is “I do.”

· If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

· If an Oriental person gets dizzy, does he become disoriented?

· If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”

· If someone asks “a penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents worth in, what happens to the other penny?

· If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then it should follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.

__________

 

Quote for the Day -- “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Mark Twain

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 10 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

___________

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In 1980, when I was married and living in Los Angeles, my wife and I took a trip to Club Med in Playa Blanca, Mexico. We boarded a 707 passenger jet, chartered by a travel agency, on a Friday night bound for Manzanillo.

 

To my surprise, the plane landed in La Paz on the Baja Peninsula where each passenger was given a card by the stewardess and told to fill it out. Then we all disembarked from the plane, stood in line in the terminal, handed the cards to a customs agent, got back on the plane and eventually took off for our original destination.

 

Apparently, this exercise in inefficiency was standard procedure for entering Mexico. Even though no one got on or off at La Paz, it was a "port of entry" into the country so we had to go through this bureaucratic absurdity.

 

While my ex-wife always seemed to enjoy our travels, this sort of nonsense generally caused my blood to exceed the boiling point of tungsten. But it's nothing compared to the rigors involved in moving to Mexico.

 

A director with SW Bell in St. Louis recently posted an Internet account of his ordeal in relocating to Mexico.

 

In order to receive a permanent work visa, called an FM3, the man had to submit the following original items:

 

1) Birth certificate (plus his wife's birth certificate)

2) Marriage certificate

3) High school transcripts and proof of graduation

4) College transcripts and proof of graduation

5) Two letters of recommendation from supervisors he had worked for at least one year

6) A letter from the Chief of Police of St. Louis indicating he had no arrest record, no outstanding warrants and was "a citizen in good standing"

7) He also had to personally write a letter about himself clearly stating why there was no Mexican citizen with his skills and explain why his skills were important to Mexico.

 

The above documents then had to be certified as legal transactions, notarized and translated into Spanish.

 

Next, he and his wife spent five hours, accompanied by a Mexican lawyer, visiting various government offices where they were photographed and fingerprinted three different times. At four separate locations, they were instructed on Mexican tax law, Mexican labor law, Mexican housing law and Mexican criminal law. The couple paid out a total of $4,000 in fees (and bribes) to complete the process.

 

They were required to obtain a Mexican driver's license. Once again, photographed and fingerprinted. They were instructed that if ever stopped by a policeman to never give their driver's license to the policeman (instead, hold it against the inside of the window) otherwise they would have to pay a ransom to get it back.

 

At that point, the man was issued a "permanent" FM3 work visa, which was good for three years and renewal for two more years after paying additional fees. Hell hath no fury like a bureaucracy scorned.

 

As U.S. citizens, the couple was not allowed to purchase a home and required to rent in compliance with Mexican law. In addition, to submit their annual Mexican income tax required about 20 legal-size pages.

 

The U.S. Congress is currently working on new immigration legislation that may include some improved security across the southern border, temporary work permits for Mexican laborers, etc. However, the Mexican government is opposed to any such legislation because they consider it to be an insult and inconvenience to their people.

 

Note to the Mexican government -- Life is a two-way street and convenience isn't exactly your specialty.

 

The USA needs seasonal Mexican laborers (jobs most Americans won't do) and the laborers need the work.

 

There must be a simple solution to this problem, but adding more government bureaucracy probably isn't it.

 

In an imperfect world, where fruit grows on trees, there are growers and pickers and consumers; and those whose sole purpose in life seems to be to make it more difficult for everyone to venture from Point A to Point B.

 

___________

 

Quote for the Day -- “The greatest power of bureaucracies is to make the smart act stupid and the good to act evil.” Raul Ramos

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 10 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and rarely ventures from Point A to Point B unless it's absolutely necessary.

___________

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February 14 is Valentine's Day.

 

According to legend, Valentine was a Roman priest during the third century. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he decreed that young men were forbidden to get married.

 

However, Valentine defied the ruling and continued to perform marriages of young couples in secret. His actions were eventually discovered compelling Claudius to order the priest's death.

 

While in prison awaiting death, Valentine fell in love with a young woman, believed to be the jailer's daughter, who visited him regularly. Before his execution, it is alleged that Valentine wrote the young woman a note which he signed "from your Valentine."

 

Thus, Valentine was put to death and Valentine's Day was born.

 

When I first started dating my ex-wife it never occurred to me to get her anything on Valentine's Day. She spent the next several weeks in a huff. On our second Valentine's Day together, I gave her a nice piece of jewelry and she gave me an oven mitt.

 

Needless to say, I never did figure her out. We were married the following year and divorced five years later. She got the house and I got to keep the oven mitt.

 

On Valentine's Day, or any other day, a woman may ask a seemingly innocent question. A correct answer will usually lead to temporary approval, at least until the next seemingly innocent question. But any dimwitted answer, of which there are many, will surely bring about long-term torment.

 

Question: "Do you love me?"

A) "I guess so."

B) "In what sense?"

C) "Most of the time."

D) "Who, me?"

X) Correct answer -- "Of course, dear."

 

Question: "What are you thinking about?"

A) "Football."

B) "My dog."

C) "I was wondering when the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition was going to be available."

D) "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."

X) Correct answer -- "I was just thinking about what a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to be with you."

 

Question: "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

A) "You have a much better personality."

B) "Only from a certain angle."

C) "It's hard to say."

D) "She's just younger and thinner."

X) Correct answer -- "Absolutely not, dear."

 

Question: "Do I look fat in this dress?"

A) "I wouldn't exactly call it fat – I'd call it more like pleasantly plump."

B) "Nobody will notice."

C) "Compared to what?"

D) "Don't worry about it – a little extra weight looks good on you."

X) Correct answer -- "No, of course not, darling."

 

The key to a blissful relationship is sincerity.  If you can fake sincerity, your relationship will endure.

 

___________

 

Quote for the Day – "Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place." Zora Neale Hurston

 

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 10 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and an oven mutt that sparks old memories.

___________

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February 2nd is Groundhog Day. This is the day when grown men and women congregate outside of rodent burrows and wait patiently for a groundhog to emerge.

 

If the groundhog sees its shadow on this day, legend has it that there will be six more weeks of winter.

 

If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, it either means it will be an early spring or the groundhog was too busy gawking at the people who were gawking at it to notice.

 

In 2014, Punksutawney Phil saw his shadow -- another six weeks of winter.

 

There are many other holidays involving rodents but few people pay much attention to them.

 

WOODCHUCK DAY. Woodchuck is another name for a groundhog. Lumberjacks celebrate this holiday exactly seven weeks after Groundhog Day, when enough time has passed for the woodchuck to get a bit frisky after a winter of hibernation. On this day, lumberjacks from Maine to Oregon stalk woodchucks to see how much wood a woodchuck chucks, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

 

SQUIRREL DAY. This is the first day of warm weather in the coming year when squirrels emerge from their nests to check on their nuts. Having spent much of the fall season squirreling away nuts by burying them in strategic places near their domicile, they must take an inventory every spring to make sure their nuts are all present and accounted for. This holiday is observed mostly by accountants, warehouse managers and store clerks by conducting a complete inventory on that day, then taking the rest of the week off to celebrate and cook the books.

 

GOPHER DAY. This holiday comes at the end of the college football season. Primarily observed by the alumni of the University of Minnesota, it only occurs if the Golden Gophers have a winning season and have managed to avoid NCAA probation for recruiting violations at the same time. Thus, this holiday is only celebrated once or twice a decade, making it a very special occasion for former Golden Gophers everywhere.

 

SEWER RAT DAY. This is strictly a local holiday for residents of New York City and Newark. Depending on the temperature and humidity, Sewer Rat Day can occur anytime in the late summer, usually in early August. This is the day when the highest concentration of rats emerges from the sewer systems to taunt the citizens of their respective cities. This is also a very special day for pest control companies and alley cats.

 

MUSKRAT DAY. A muskrat is basically a slippery rat that lives in or near water. Consequently, Muskrat Day is celebrated by slippery people who live clandestinely along rivers and pay no taxes. This holiday is observed on April 15, when federal taxes are due. The celebration includes drinking tax-free moonshine and taking an annual bath.

 

SWAMP RAT DAY. A swamp rat is basically a slippery rat that lives in a swamp. Consequently, Swamp Rat Day is observed by slippery people who live clandestinely in the middle of a swamp and pay no taxes. This holiday occurs after the first sign of frog mating season. It’s celebrated by drinking tax-free moonshine and kissing a loved one or a frog, whichever croaks the loudest.

 

BEAVER DAY. Dam engineers across the nation celebrate this occasion, always the first day in the early winter when the beaver has completed construction of its dam for that year and goes into hibernation. Most dam engineers have been in hibernation since 1939, when construction of the last of the great dams was completed. Rumor has it that some of the more militant dam engineers have formed a secret society that is scheming to create another mighty river system in a secluded location where no one will notice until it has been completed, somewhere like North Dakota or behind the Dick Cheney Library.

 

MOUSE WEEK. Timid people everywhere celebrate this holiday that coincides with Mardi Gras. Although the festivities are always very quiet, it’s the only rodent holiday that lasts more than one day. Timid people have a hard time releasing their emotions but once they do it lasts for a whole week. They dine on crumbs and avoid cats for seven days. Then they apologize for their outburst, usually to a goldfish or a potted plant, and shrink back into their comfortable lives of silent despair, patiently waiting for the day when the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

___________

 

Quote for the Day – "Winter is not a season -- it's an occupation." Sinclair Lewis

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 10 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where six more weeks of winter isn't exactly good news.

___________

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The Chinese invented many wonderful things, such as dynamite, fortune cookies and Chinese food. They also invented astrology. In fact, the Chinese Lunar New Year is the longest chronological record in history.

 

Emperor Huang Ti introduced the first cycle of the zodiac in 2600 BC. It takes five minor cycles of 12 years each, or 60 years all together, to make one complete cycle.

 

The Chinese New Year always starts with the new moon on the first day of each year, somewhere between late January and the middle of February. Celebrations will last for 15 days, until the full moon arrives and the Lantern Festival takes place.

 

The Chinese calendar is based upon lunar and solar movements. Since the lunar cycle is about 29.5 days, an extra month is inserted seven times within every 19 years. This bit of mathematical magic avoids the need for an extra day every four years, with certain century exceptions. Thus, the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.

 

Each of the years within the 12-year minor cycle is named after an animal.

 

Presently, as I write this, it is January of 2014. I am putting together a book of random topics which I started in November of 2013 and will publish the book within the next few weeks.

 

Last year, 2013, was the Year of the Snake.

 

A snake is a loathsome creature that tries to blend in with the background and attacks without warning. After it has accomplished its task, it slithers back into hiding, mostly underground. 2013 turned out to be a bad year for snakes, particularly the Afghan cave-dwelling variety.

 

The present year, 2014, is the Year of the Horse.

 

According to Chinese astrology, children born this year will be hard working, independent, intelligent, friendly and a bit selfish. It sounds like another batch of lawyers, bankers and pickpockets are about to enter this world.

 

I was born during the Year of the Monkey.

 

According to the chart, I am certain to be very intelligent, well liked by everyone and highly successful in whatever field of endeavor I choose. Apparently, Chinese astrology isn’t an exact science.

 

In September of 2012, my high school class celebrated our 50th high school reunion. It’s hard to believe so much time has passed since I was hanging out in the pool hall, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

 

Most of my classmates were also born in the Year of the Monkey. My three best friends at the time (names withheld to prevent litigation) were also trying to figure out what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives.

 

One of them spent so much time in the pool hall, they considered charging him rent. Some fifty years later, he owns dozens of apartment complexes, over a thousand units in all, and passes time counting his money.

 

The second one took mostly shop courses in high school and spent all of his time chasing girls. Today he is a retired high school English teacher, still married to his first wife and their son went to the Naval Academy. He is presently working on his second novel, having had his first one published in 2011.

 

The third friend went on to obtain a PhD in psychology and has recently retired from a successful practice where he dispensed advice to people who were actually more screwed up than he is.

 

Other members of the class of 1962 in my circle of fringe miscreants have also achieved remarkable success. In no particular order, there is a painting contractor, a union leader, a mechanical engineer for an aerospace company, a computer programming contractor, a small business owner, a city councilman, a college professor and so on. No doctors or lawyers, but just about everything else.

 

As far as I can tell, those of us who were born during the Year of the Monkey are indeed successful. As soon as I figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life, perhaps I’ll be successful too.

 

Most of my former classmates are also very intelligent and successful. Whether or not they’re all well liked is another matter.

 

Then again, the guys I used to hang out with didn’t consider life to be a popularity contest.

 

But two out of three isn’t bad -- after all, Chinese astrology isn’t an exact science.

___________

 

Quote for the Day -- “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”  Bob Dylan
___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 10 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where success is easily achieved with confidence and low expectations.

___________

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A couple of decades ago, after spending much of my life moving from city to city and state to state, I finally settled into a peaceful rural existence in the Land of Ark -- a.k.a. the Natural State, a.k.a. the Land of Opportunity. The rest of the country refers to it as Arkansas, where all the beautiful people live and time stands still.

 

Now I bask in the glory of my placid existence, growing tomatoes, watching sunsets, frolicking with my dog, writing stuff and patiently waiting for my soul mate, whoever she may be, to show up and make my life complete.

 

There have been two earth-shattering birthdays in my life. One was when I turned 30 -- the other was when I turned 60.

 

Anyone who is born between July 23 and August 22 is a Leo. According to modern astrology, “Leos are vital, confident, proud and masterful. They love drama and luxury, and have wide creative interests. Blessed with many abilities, they are natural executives and tireless workers, generous and high-minded. Their manner will often be dramatic and full of warmth. They are tempted to show off and may at times appear self-centered.”

 

In other words, I’m full of many things, including myself. This is probably true. That’s why people think I’m self-centered. But just because I think I’m better than everyone else doesn’t necessarily mean I’m self-centered – it just means I’m full of it. And as a true Leo, I’m proud to be full of it. 

 

Anyway, I turned 60 a few years ago.

 

This is the age when you start the downhill skid of life into oblivion. You’re too old to show off and too young to collect Social Security. It’s a state of limbo between being able to remember the good times and being wise enough not to try to repeat them.

 

It’s also the age where you reflect on your life and try to figure out what went wrong.

 

In my case, nothing went wrong. It didn’t exactly go as planned but I wouldn’t change one minute of it. Even though my mind is slowly turning to mush, I can still remember most of it.

 

Turning 60 can also be a blessing. For example, you can talk out loud to yourself all day long and no one will bat an eye, especially if you have a dog or a cat lurking nearby. But you still can’t talk to your goldfish until you reach 80 otherwise your relatives will be plotting to put you in a home for old codgers and dingbats.

 

The changes I’ve witnessed in my lifetime have been incredible. I remember when my grandmother in Wisconsin had a wood stove for heat and cooking. Her refrigerator was called an icebox because a guy on a horse-drawn wagon would come by on occasion to put a fresh block of ice in the “box” sitting on the back porch.

 

My family didn’t even have a television set until I was in the fifth grade. And when you wanted to change channels, you actually had to walk across the room and turn a dial. Life was rough back then, particularly for channel-flippers.

 

When I was young, I rode my bike with no helmet, rode in cars with no seatbelts, climbed trees, and drank water out of a garden hose. I’m lucky to be alive.

 

I didn’t have a computer or a cell phone. In school, I was actually required to read and write, to do math without a calculator and to pass tests.

 

But thanks to modern technology and a zillion regulations dictated by the government to protect me from myself, the world is now a much better place. And even if it isn’t, it doesn’t really matter because the government will pass another zillion regulations tomorrow and everything will continue to progress (or regress, depending on your point-of-view).

 

Pardon my cynicism. I tend to get a bit grumpy in my ancient years. When I hit 90, it would be wise to steer clear of me for a few days. Being cranky at that age is a badge of honor. After 90 years on this planet, you have the right to growl once in awhile.  

 

Turning 60 is a lot like falling into a vat of raw sewage – it stinks, but you can always take a shower and start fresh the next day.

 

Life is full of surprises – some days are good and other days are downright rotten.

 

Ironically, one week after I turned 60, I had an extremely bad day.

 

I walked out to my mailbox at the end of the driveway. Just as I opened the box, one of the local teenage airheads came careening around the corner on his ATV with the throttle wide open and zero consideration for safety. He missed me by a couple of feet but that didn’t slow him down. As the 20-foot dust cloud settled over me I wondered what the penalty would be for strangling an airhead.

 

Later that day, I went into town to get some groceries. I parked in the last spot next to the alley. When I came back out of the store, there was a small gray car parked in the alley about three inches from the driver’s side of my van. Being slightly larger than three inches in width, I was unable to open the door and get in. I waited as long as I could for the driver to show up and explain to me why it was necessary to park so close to my van but I had to get to the bank before they closed, so I reluctantly went in through the passenger door, climbed over the console and into the driver’s seat.

 

I got to the bank at 10 minutes before closing. I drove to the third lane where the tube reaches my van’s window, put my check and deposit slip into the tube, and sent it on its way. Cashier #1 announced she’d be right with me and disappeared. Car #1 pulled up to the first bank window whereupon Cashier #2 stepped forward and proceeded to process the transaction. Then Car #2 pulled into the second window whereupon Cashier #1 returned and proceeded to process that transaction. Then Car #2 pulled away from the first window and Car #3 soon drove up to that window and was immediately serviced by Cashier #2. After all three cars that had arrived after I did had finally left the premises, Cashier #1 processed my transaction. I had included a note specifically asking that the cash returned to me be in the form of two $50 bills but when I received the envelope it contained five $20 bills. As I turned to correct the error, they were pulling down the curtains and closing the bank.

 

Next, I went to Wal-Mart, a half hour away. I entered in the south entrance but there were no hand baskets. I asked the greeter where the hand baskets were whereupon he used his walkie-talkie to communicate with the greeter at the other end of the store. Instead of having an employee bring some hand baskets to me, I had to trek all the way to the far end of the store to retrieve one even though I was not going to do any shopping at that end of the store. This was the second time in a row this had happened to me at Wal-Mart. As I left the store, I noticed there were still lots of hand baskets at the far end and none at the near end.

 

Later that night, I sat down to work on one of my newspaper columns when my hard disk crashed. I was already in a foul mood, which is often good for writing columns but bad for just about everything else in life. I was forced to order another computer the next day and went about 10 days without having access to the Internet, e-mail or word processing, giving me plenty of free time to wonder why the whole world had turned against me.

 

Note to parents of airheads with ATVs – If you are considering moving far away, I’ll help you pack.

 

Note to owner of gray car – Rude behavior can sometimes lead to unpleasant consequences.

 

Note to bank manager – You need to have a “customer courtesy” meeting.

 

Note to Wal-Mart manager – You need to have a “hand-basket distribution” meeting.

 

Later that evening, I was talking to one of my adult students at the local college where I taught computer courses about all the bad luck I had earlier on the same day whereupon she told me her brother died and her daughter had been in a terrible auto accident that same week.

 

Another lesson in life – no matter how bad things get, someone else always has it worse.

___________

 

Quote for the Day -- "My only regret in life is that I'm not someone else." Woody Allen

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and patiently waits for his soul mate to show up.

___________

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In 2001, I started writing weekly columns for the local newspaper in Salem, Arkansas and I also started teaching computer courses at Ozarka College in Melbourne, Arkansas. The year turned out to be a year of surprises, especially in September as I was beginning my college teaching gig.

 

The following is a recap of my life in 2001 (from a column I wrote in December of 2001).

 

JANUARY: The Presidential election was so close it was still being debated during the inauguration. The Democrats had presented us with a man from Tennessee who had the charisma of a hickory tree and falsely claimed he had invented the Internet. The Republicans countered with the only man in Texas who had no personality and managed to get through life with a vocabulary of about 85 words. In the end, the voters did the best they could to make sure neither one of them won – they made it a tie. After much political wrangling and a close examination of dimpled chads, one of them won anyway.

 

FEBRUARY: My fourth novel was published. After years of writing and a ton of rejection letters, all four of my novels were now in print. For a long time, I wondered if it would ever happen. While they aren’t on any best-seller list (yet), I’m genuinely surprised I actually managed to pull it off.

 

MARCH: I began writing a weekly newspaper column for THE NEWS in Salem. Surprise #1 -- they actually published it. Surprise #2 – they continue to publish it. Surprise #3 – I never ran out of things to say.

 

APRIL: Doing my federal taxes cost me about 10 hours of lost time and gave me a massive headache. The surprise was that I managed to get through it without having to consult a tax accountant or a clinical psychologist.

 

MAY: It rained quite a bit and everything turned green, including several fuzzy items on the lower shelf of my refrigerator. The surprise came when one of the fuzzy green items in my refrigerator sprouted legs and began to move. I think it was either a cucumber or some guacamole dip. I shot it twice and threw it in the woods.

 

JUNE: The chiggers made their annual pilgrimage to my country estate. While this wasn’t a big surprise, they were a bit more organized this year. They posted a schedule of my daily activities and set up a buffet line near my back porch.

 

JULY: It was a dull, hot month. The surprise was that it turned out to be the only month without a surprise.

 

AUGUST: After more than 30 years as a computer programmer and consultant, I accepted a position as a college instructor. This may not be a surprise to the rest of the world, but it was a big surprise to me.

 

SEPTEMBER: A bunch of crazed terrorists surprised the whole world when they attacked the World Trade Center and the Pentagon without warning or regard for human life. Apparently, these malicious jerks had this overwhelming desire that every man on the planet wear a towel on their head and keep their women indoors at all times. They were led by a man named Osama who has five wives and a brain the size of a walnut. Of course I’m just guessing, but I assume anyone with five wives must have a brain the size of a walnut.

 

OCTOBER: A disgruntled, trigger-happy neighbor shot and killed my dog. It was a stunning surprise since I had never been forewarned that my dog was causing a problem. The second surprise came when the shooter denied knowing it was my dog even though he had dumped the carcass over onto my side of the fence.

 

NOVEMBER: My father fell off a ladder and landed on his head. He chose to do this on a day my mother was out of town and we were under a tornado watch. I drove him down to an emergency room in Batesville, during one of the most violent thunderstorms in recent memory, where 21 staples were inserted into the back of his head. While this accident was not so unusual, the surprise was that he is now more coherent than before.

 

DECEMBER: The stock market recovered to previous levels that had existed prior to the September terrorist attack. My ex-wife paid $600 for a cat with a terminal illness. A band of thugs in Afghanistan were hiding in caves like a pack of cornered rats. I’ve been approached to do a computer programming contract for a firm in Memphis. Miami and Nebraska are headed for the Rose Bowl. My new dog threw up in my shoe. Surprises come in all forms, including chunky liquids.

 

At least I survived another year. At my age, this is always a surprise.

___________

 

Quote for the Day -- "There can never be surprises in logic." Ludwig Wittgenstein

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and sometimes even surprises himself.

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In the year 1514, Pope Leo X proclaimed, "I will not see the end of the world, nor will you my brethren, for its time is long in the future, 500 years hence."

1514 + 500 = 2014

Perhaps Pope Leo X was just blowing off some steam -- we'll find out in the next 359 days.

We live on a large spinning orb in a vast universe of orbs, oblivious to many realities (unknown and/or unknowable) surrounding our existence in this dimension.

 

This is a Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot World -- a WTF World.

 

It's a world where you are either captive of robotic servitude to a system that slowly rots your soul or you begin to notice signs of coexistent-synchronistic influences whereby logic abruptly fades and the WTF reality reluctantly sinks in.

 

The WTF World is shrouded in mystery, hidden in plain sight for those who sense something is terribly wrong with our so-called reality and dare to open their mind to ambiguous, alarming possibilities of an alternate reality.

 

Some of these possibilities include the following potential truths.

 

The populace does not control governments. The elected and non-elected people in charge of governments do not control governments. There exists a covert alliance of global Elitists (wealthy, powerful, manipulative greed-heads) who control governments. They control monetary systems, mainstream media, military procurement, global conflicts, political outcomes and so forth.

 

They do not issue direct orders to political leaders, but they do manipulate various systems in order to promote their causes by directing functions (influential institutions, global causes, mass mind control through media, finessing money markets, creating bloody conflicts, controlling outcomes, etc.), thereby manipulating the unaware masses and their chosen political leaders in a course that suits their purpose.

 

Their purpose consists of a One-World government, a One-World monetary system, a One-World police force, a vast reduction in human population and a planet of obedience worker bees to maintain the achieved status quo. And they have little regard for the well-being of the worker bees

 

Ironically, this covert imprisonment on Planet Earth does not require a specific political philosophy in order to achieve their objective. The political movements are rotated into power positions in a combination factor.

 

Conservatives will be utilized for global strife (perpetual wars, profiteering), creating a yearning for monolithic central rule to end wars and Liberals will be utilized for creating a collectivist mentality (socialism, communism, authoritarian rule), creating a yearning for monolithic central rule in the guise of equality of outcomes.

 

Either way, it will be the masses imprisoning themselves through the shepherding of the Elitists. And those who rebel against the creation of monolithic central rule of Planet Earth will become outcasts (imprisoned).

 

There is a war between the rich and poor…

A war between the man and the woman…

There is a war between the ones who say there is a war…

And the ones who say there isn't.

(lyrics by Leonard Cohen)

 

However, the Elitists are self-righteous fools. They're not at the top of the global heap -- they're simply at the top of a secretive earthly heap, within a larger cosmic heap. While the global masses have become their minions, the Elitists are minions of a higher power structure.

 

Modern earthly human beings are genetically altered beings from early earthly humanoids. Entities from elsewhere (other planetary systems in our universe or other dimensions within our existence but not perceivable by limited human senses or parallel universes or time looping from future existences or wherever) have created the present human race for whatever reason.

 

These entities may be benevolent or malevolent or neutral. There may be a variety of entities overseeing (observing or manipulating or protecting or experimenting or harvesting) the human race. If so, there exists a "war in heaven" among various non-human entity factions for control of Planet Earth.

 

The Elitists have alternatives. There are ancient bases and modern bases on the moon and on Mars. There are secret underground bases on Planet Earth. When evacuation of the planet becomes imminent (catastrophic "natural, environmental" events or attacks from non-earthly entities or massive global war or deadly global pandemic or whatever), the Elitists will have prearranged alternative options to escape annihilation and continue life in a new environment.

 

"I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the shit-storm of all time." Fox Mulder (The X-Files)

 

* * *

 

We are exiting the Age of Pisces and entering the Age of Aquarius.

 

Duality was the morphology of the Age of Pisces. Humans valued money, power, control, and accepted the established control systems -- monotheistic religions, alien/hybrid "royal" rulers.

 

In the Age of Aquarius, human enlightenment and science (technical progress) will lead away from the duality of Pisces into a realm of Oneness of altruism, self-sacrifice and group effort -- humanity will become a "group soul."

 

In the Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot World, reality is like an onion -- you peel it back one layer at a time and sometimes it makes you weep.

 

If collective human consciousness has created this existence, then the same collective human consciousness can also overcome the darkness and bring Light to this reality.

 

This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius -- let the sunshine in.

 

BB -- 11:11

___________

 

Quote for the Day -- "If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself." Albert Einstein

___________

 

Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and has occasionally been an annoyance to his superiors and a joke to his peers, which is perhaps why he now lives alone in the woods, casting his ramblings into the ozone to be an annoyance and a joke from afar.

___________

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