A few years back we pulled into a Petro, somewhere in Texas. We were on a 36-hour lay over, waiting for a load of flooring products. It was late, and the lot was almost full. Kurt, my co-driver, expertly manuvered us into a spot in a far back corner. We were both tired. I was hungry.
Kurt said he was gonna get a little shut eye. Me, I headed for the Iron Skillet. I knew from experience that this little restaurant has fried chicken livers and onions that are almost as good as sex.
Later, stuffed to the gills and happy as a clam, I climbed back into our ole Peter Built. Kurt was cutting some Z's over in one corner. I started to undress.
A loud knock on the sleeper door caused me to cease my undressing ritual. I opened the door up a crack. "Hi, sugar. Y'all want some company in there?" It was a lot lizard, plying her trade.
In the sliver of light from the door, I spied upwards of 250 pounds of woman-kind grinning up at me. I wondered for a moment just how she had got her hair that particular shade of yellow. Then my eyes moved down to be met by the sight of a low-cut shirt and mini-skirt that left little to the imagination. Unfortunately.
Out of the night, a gruff male voice rang out. "Hey! There you are. I've got you now!" Who he was or what he wanted I haven't the slightest idea.
The yellow-haired large economy sized woman shot out of there. Amazing. How could such a large woman move so fast in those two-inch plus heels? Non-the-less, she hightailed it like a deer running from a hunter and was soon out of sight. I just stood there with my mouth open.
From his bunk in the corner, Kurt complained: "Geez, Matt. Stop making so much racket and get some shut eye."
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that s o b before he talks to your Mother!"
" I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
For some reason I woke up with this old Mother Goose rhyme running through my head:
Monday's child is fair of face, Tuesday's child is full of grace, Wednesday's child is full of woe, Thursday's child has far to go. Friday's child is loving and giving, Saturday's child works hard for a living, But the child born on the Sabbath Day, Is fair and wise and good and gay.
I was born on a Tuesday. Do you know what day of the week you were born on? I had to google the date to get mine.....LOL
After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems... I have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
This is a Waylon Jennings song called "Wrong'. Now this is "real country", not like what passes for country these days. Waylon was always a favorite of mine on the road.
Since Yan told me you might not watch the video, oldsky, I've included the lyrics.
Verse 1:
E A E It was a picture perfect wedding A We had the whole world at our feet E Everyone thought we were heading A Down some lovers easy street D We'd have a house out in the country A A picket fence the whole nine yards E They said our love would last forever
It was written in the stars
Chorus: A Wrong D I should have known it all along E When the future looks to bright
Can't be anything but right A Wrong
Verse 2: E A E I was all but devastated A When she told me we were through E In a while the heartache faded A And i found somebody new D I swore that this time would be different A I had it all figured out E I wouldn't make the same mystakes
I knew what love was all about
Chorus.
Chorus (bis): A Wrong D Everything was going strong E The sky was always blue
I had a favorite coffee mug. It rode with me everywhere. It had even done some rock sitting with me in the desert. Mostly it just sat there in the cup holder on my rig. It fit perfectly. A truck driver's coffee mug is as much a part of him as a gunslinger's six shooter. And this particular insulated stainless steel beauty had been a gift from my wife, Cat.
I had made a pit stop at a Pilot Travel Center near Danville, Virginia. Imagine the sinking feeling I felt when back on the road I realized my mug was not there in its customary place. Suddenly I remembered leaving it on the fuel desk when I signed my fuel ticket. I had paused a minute to tell the cashier a little joke. Now the Pilot was many miles behind me on I-81. And I was headed north to Harrisburg, Penn.
My usual sunny personality turned gloomy. The thought of never seeing my precious cup again made me one grumpy truck driver.
I got out my cell phone and made a call back to the Pilot. A gal came on the line. I do believe her southern drawl was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard when she said, "Yes, we have the mug." I grinned as she continued, "No, we won't hold it for ransom. But we will hold it for you until your return trip."
A few days later I was reunited with my honey of a mug. I guess you are thinking. "It's just a mug. Why the fuss?"
Well, a bit of home IS a bit of home. This is never truer than when one is away from home for long periods of time.
A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer down in ole Sussex County Delaware.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out,
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approac hed him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years!! That's amazing!! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
