Note:  A little winter humor, thanks to my friend Michael York.

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Fog.  It sort of sneaks up on you while driving.  Then you can't see a thing.  Deal with it.  There are not many bosses that allow "fog" days.  And if you are a truck driver you better be ready to drive in all types of stubborn weather that refuses to cooperate.  The thing to do is rally one's common sense and tackle the problem head on.

Common sense.  It can be more common than it is sense.  I remember hearing about two motorists who were driving through some heavy fog along the Maine coast.  Common sense says:  Drive slowly.  Open a window.  Listen for traffic.

They almost got it right.  Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace.  Near the center of the road.  Their heads were both stuck out the window.

Smack.

Crack.

They had an all-too-literal head-on collision.  Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries.

Their cars were not scratched.

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Note:  Thanks to Yanaba for this cute joke.

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the

train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She hears the little boy continue 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'

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Note:  I found this little story on the internet.  Don't know if it is true or not.  I do know more than one state lays claim to this state trooper.  But who wouldn't want to claim him?  A good lawman with a sense of humor.

MONTANA STATE TROOPER

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into “drive” and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, “PULL OVER!”

The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor?

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Remember when some of the best jokes were the clean ones?

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Where did piss poor come from ?

We older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?

Interesting History:

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then, once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot... They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables, and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was "considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth!!

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

Soon we'll all be Piss Poor..

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

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When You Think Things Can't Get Any Worse

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

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AFC...."Away From Cab"

I know this married couple who drive as a team.  His CB handle is "Load Toad".  She is "Carrot Top".

He is a big barrel of a man.  Ugly as sin.  But gentle and kind-hearted as the day is long.  She is petite and cute as a button.  Many might consider being together all the time in such close quarters as torture.  They seem to think of it as bliss.  I only know of one time when said "bliss" was "unblissful."

"Load Toad" and I sat at the food bar in a truck stop.  With a twinkle in his eye, he told me this story:

One day he pulled into a truck stop to get fuel.  While fueling he cleans all the bugs off the windshield.  After fueling he goes inside for a restroom break.  Returning to the truck he climbs in and gets back on the road.  He travels about an hour.  Making real good time, too.  His cell phone rings.  It is his dispatcher.  Seems "Carrot Top" is still back at the truck stop and really living up to the stereotype of a re-head.  To say the least, she is not happy at all at being left behind!

I hear that this kind of thing is not all that uncommon.  Often times when one driver is driving, the other is sleeping.  The back of the cab (the sleeper) is separated from the front of the cab by a curtain to allow privacy and darkness for a good day or night's sleep.  Unfortunately for "Toad Load" it is also good for hiding the fact your co-driver has gotten out while you were away.  Since he believed "Carrot Top" to be asleep in the back he never opened the curtain.  However, after this incident "Carrot Top" insisted on making a little sign that read AFC for (Away from the cab) to be posted on the curtain when either of them stepped away unbeknownst to the other.  I don't know if the sign helped.

But as far as I know, "Load Toad" never left her behind again.  Bliss rules supreme.

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