So I have been studying Kabbalah and the Zohar for several months now. Hoping to learn something I didn't already know. But the teachers say we're not supposed to study to learn anything; that's just our egos.  Yet they have regular study groups to study something where not supposed to try and understand. I don't understand?

     They tell us that these books are very old; written before the Bible and are the very books Jesus studied from. They say they have been kept conceiled until this generation.

     But I ask myself; why haven't other religions used these books in their teachings? 

     The books are impossible to understand. But the leaders say that's ok, we are not meant to understand them until we rise from the physical world into the spiritual world, but just reading these books will attract the light and advance you on your spiritual journey. 

     Well, the Bible is like that too. So much of it is hard to understand and doesn't seem to make sense. But just reading the Bible attracts so much spiritual light that you have a hard time even living in this world when you read it. 

      So what do we gain by studying still another couple of books we can not understand?

     Well, God did lead me to this study group for a reason and so I stay with it. I have learned that sometimes it's just some little thing God wants to show a person or several little things.

     I have learned how important it is to get rid of our egos and to accept one another and that it is our natures not to accept one another and to get along, but we have to rise above these natures. 

     We can't be having wars and killing one another over religion. That's insane. I think they're approach of combining science and spirituallity is a wonderful thing and I hope it can bring people together all over the world as one. So far it seems to be doing this. So that's a good thing for sure. 

     But I'm going to stick with my Bible reading because no book puts off more light than the Holy Bible and this is something I learned on my own. It's a magic book also.

     Years ago I worked in a mental institution as an attendant and they got some seriously dangerous people in their. You would not believe! Anyway, most of the attendants on the night shift were college students. But this one 68 year old lady. She carried her Bible with her everywhere she went and everyone would remark how nothing bad ever happened when she was their. And it was true. One time we had a whole lot of police holds on the unit. These are criminals sent their for phsychiatric evalutation.  Anyway, you could just feel the vibes that they were organizing and plotting something. I was so terrified, but Mrs. Hymbaugh kept singing hymns and reading her Bible. When it was time to go home we took the patients into the eating area for breakfast and then started getting our things to go home. I said; "Mrs. Hymbaugh, are you going to sing those hymns all the way out the door?" She said; "Yes I am dear." And so I thought to myself; I'm walking out with her." We had to go by the eating area to get to the locked door  and they were getting crazier and crazier acting but not really doing anything wrong. So I walked with her all the way to the parking lot and then the next day they said they had a major riot after we left and went home. But nothing ever happened when Mrs. Hymbaugh was their with her Bible.

     Another time they admitted a lady who they said went crazy from trying to contact her dead husband in the basement. Anyway, she would come to the nurses station and ask someone to walk the halls with her reading from the Bible because it was the only thing that would make them go away.  So we'd walk the hall and I'd read scripture until she'd say; "It's alright, they're gone now." And then she'd go back to bed but in a few hours they'd return and we'd do it again. I didn't see them; she said they were in her head. So obviously she'd attracted some negative spirits which is probably why the Bible warns people not to do that. 

     The Bible doesn't say their is not spiritual world; it just tells you not to try and contact it. In fact in Peter it says Jesus spent three days after his crucification in the spirit world ministering to the spirits who had died in the flood.

     There's so much we don't know and I want to know so much so I guess I need to get rid of that ego right? But if no one ever wanted to know anything wouldn't we remain ignorant forever?

     So I'll keep seeking knowledge anyway and if that makes me an ego maniac; so be it. 

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     Isn't it amazing that when we dream it's every bit as real as this world, and in fact while we're dreaming we're not even aware of this world. 

     It makes me wonder if when we die we don't just continue on in yet another dream. I've had dreams within dreams. One time I dreamed of a place that was darker and dirtier and the people were even meaner than they are here. But I woke up in a better place and said; "Thank God that was just a dream." And then I went back to sleep and dreamed about another world that was better than the last one but still darker and dirtier and the people were much meaner than they are in this world. Anyway, I woke up and said; "Thank God that was just a dream" and then I fell back to sleep and  the next time I woke up I was here saying; "Thank God that was just a dream." 

     And have you noticed how dreams can last for a long time, or so it seems but it was only an hour or two or a night. My son said he had a dream that lasted three months. When my brother-in-law died I saw him (in a dream) beginning a new life in a world that was brighter and cleaner and more loving than this one. He died of cancer and looked ninety when he died at 33 years old. But he looked totally restored in the dream, and the machine he was learning to operate was so clean it glistened in the light. Not like the machines here that are covered with greeze and dirt. It was golden and the man training him was patient and kind and friendly. Bob knew he'd left his previouse life and was sad about it because of his wife and kids being left alone, but was starting a new life in a new place. So later I dreamed he called me on the telephone and I could see him in my mind's eye. He said; "Kathy, are Linda and the boys alright?" And I said, "Bob, you can't call me; you're dead!" And he said; "I know that Kathy, would you just shut up and listen to me for a minute?" And so I calmed down and listened. He took a large sigh of relief and asked me; "I just need to know if Linda and the boys are alright? That's all I need to know." I said; "Well, yes Bob, they're fine." And he said; "That's all I wanted to know, thank you."

     Now to me this was so real and I woke up remembering it clearly. So anyway, it just makes a person wonder what's real and what isn't. When we die do we just wake up somewhere else and continue on.

     Years ago I went to school with a boy who was very kind to me. I was a very sick child and had very few friends because of it. But he was so nice to me. Anyway when we grew up he went to Vietnam and worked as a chopper pilot transporting the wounded to mash units. And on his third mission he was shot down and killed. So for years whenever I had a problem; I would dream of John and ask him for advice and he would help me. One day, in my dream, he said to me; "Kathy, you're going to have to stop coming to me with your problems. I've met a really nice girl from West Virginia and we're going to be married." I said; "John, I'm so happy for you. I won't bother you any more." And I never dreamed of him ever again.

     So you just wonder about it sometimes. One day I stepped outside my door into the summer sun on a beautiful morning and I said; "God, I wish I knew the answers to all the questions." And a voice in my head said; "All the answers to all of your questions are right before your eyes; you just can't see them." And when I went to sleep that night I had another dream where I floating down a hallway of sorts without walls. and I can hear all the people going about their lives as usual but I can't see them. And a thundering voice from above says; "No black, no white, no fat, no thin; it's all just molecues don't you see?" And I said; "Yes Lord, I do see." And then I saw a big wooden door at the end of the hallway and I knew that all of the answers to all of the questions was behind that door. So I rushed towards it and a huge hand came down from the sky and landed in front of the door with a loud thump. And I leaped back in terrror, and the thunderous voice said; "You're not ready!"

     And so ever since I've been fascinated with science and physics.

     So here's what I hope happens when I die. I hope I wake up young and beautiful with tons and tons of energy. Only to find out that coming to this hell was part of a school project in order to advance to the next grade. All my friends will be waiting to welcome me back and say; "Good Job" Everyone I know or have ever know will be their, many of them returning from completeing their projects in order to advance to the next spiritual grade. The world will be clean and brite and pollution free. With waterfalls and swimming holes and tennis courts and golf courses and football games and anything and everything you coud ever want to do when you have your young body back again.

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     So I decided to study Kabbalah so I could become enlightened. So I ask mysef am I any different than I used to be? Yes, I am. Is this a good thing? It depends on how you look at it. I used to enjoy Coast To Coast am. I could be content listening to this radio show for hours. Now I see the guests as they really are. A bunch of ego maniacs trying to make as much money as possible by getting people to go; "Oh my God, REAlly!" So now I don't say that any more. I say; "Please, give me a break." How stupid do you hope people are?" Make it all up as you go along. Lie altogether if necessary. Some of the guests are legit and interesting but they are few and far between now. So, a lot of the joy in my life is gone by having my eyes opened.

     As far as people go; I see them as they really are too but now in this case; it's a good thing. I don't judge people any more. I just don't care. I realize everything we do or do not do is between us and our creator and will all come back to us sooner or later. The good, the bad and the ugly. Each of us is responsible only for ourselves. I'm free to just accept and love people for what and who they are. Spirituall beings learning and evolving through the every day experiences of life. Just like me.

     But I do realize why people don't try to become spiritually enlightened. It's so much easier to go around with a blanket over your head seeing only what you want to see and skipping the rest of the crap all together. Now some people think that they are spiritually enlightened, but if they really were; they wouldn't be going around trying to save everybody because they'd realize they'll be darned lucky if they can save themselves. Living in this world is hard. Trying to make sense of it is even harder.

     So I see the insanity all around me and it's depressing to be honest. These people saying this and those people saying that and one contradicts the other ones and all believe they know something about something and are even willing to kill one another over it. It's that ego the Kabbalists talk about. The real evil in this world is that ego. People are so egotistical that they think everyone else has a problem and they need to try and correct it. Because they are the all knowing ones. The Christians know, the Jews know, The Muslims know, The Hindus know, The Buddist know and even the New Agers know. 

     Seeing the world as it really is, quite frankly, is depressing as hell. But I believe it's something we all have to do some day if we ever hope to evolve spiritually. 

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     All my life I've had to fight depression off and on. Many things can trigger it but usually it's a physical problem. At least over the years I've come to realize this and not be too upset about it. But it's still hard. The chemicals in my brain are easily disturbed it seems. Anyway, lately the doctor gave me permission to take my pain pills twice a day. So I take them at work, consequently I'm losing weight. Because Im able to move around like a young person again. Anytime my body starts losing weight; it goes into a depression. Why? I don't know. But it's no wonder I have a weight problem. I eat just to make it go away. But right now I don't want to eat to make it go away, so I live with it. As long as I'm working I'm ok, but when I have to take a day off; it sets in. I now have an entire weekend off so you can imagine. I'm going to cheat and take a pain pill some time today just to get some work done around here. I told the doctor I don't take them when I'm not working but sometimes I have things I need to do right here. I love my pain pills. I feel like I died and went to heaven sometimes when I take my pain pills, because I generally ache and feel heavy and sluggage all of the time without them.  Such is life I guess. I have arthritis in my leg from a car accident a few years back and I don't know why my arms and hands hurt some times, and everything aches to a certain extent. I just live with it mostly, but pain pills can make me feel young again. I love feeling young again. Lately I've been mixing milled Flax Seed in with my peanut butter and it seems to be making my skin and hair look young again. That's a nice surprise. I wish I could find the fountain of youth and jump in. I know death is a part of life but it's just a shame people have to feel so horrible for so long before it actually happens. And it's a shame we can't know anything in this hell. About life and death and what it all means. Oh ya, we all have our various beliefs that get us through but still; no one really knows for sure. That's the part that makes this such hell. The pope called it separation from God. I think that sums it up pretty good. If He were here we could ask him all of the questions that are on our mind, but instead we find a mentor like a preacher or a pope or in my case a Rav. The Rav gives me comfort, because he's very logical and scientific and I feel like maybe he actually knows what he's talking about, and thats comforting. I'm glad someone knows what they're talking about. And also when I lose weight my sexual desires fire up in a blaze of glory. I don't bother my poor tired husband with it though because he'd think I lost my mind. Actually, I've been border line to losing my mind a few times, but I've always managed to stay with the group and at least appear to be sane. People like the Rav help. By pointing out that this and that and the other are all part of being a human being and it's not because your necessarily good or bad, but your just  a creature, he calls it, sometimes he calls it a beast. To remind us that we are animals after all, but with the ability to reach out to something spiritual; which a beast cannot do. So when we reach out for something spiritual we graduate from a beast to a creature. As we try to make sense of it all and move closer to our creator and further away from the beast. I do have to admit that since I started studying Kabbalah I am a much better person. I catch myself being a selfish pig and force myself to be the creature and not the beast. Kabbalah isn't about following a bunch of man made rules, it's just about learning to put others ahead of yourself and in the process becoming more like the creator and less like the beast. Like this one girl wants to come in to work part time a few days a week and take my spot on the couch at break time. I used to make it a point to let her know that's my spot so buzz off bitch. But now I just say, Go ahead and sit down on the couch I was going into the men's side anyway. Actually they have couches and chairs on the men's side and my husband works their so theirs no reason to be such a pig anyway. It was just the principle of the thing before. Now I realize it's petty and stupid. And she's standing their with her mouth open wondering what happened to the horrible bitch that used to work here. And it's not really hard to be nice, it's just different. I don't argue with my boss any more. I just don't care whether he's right or wrong or this is right or wrong. I'm just tired, ya know. And l started forcing myself to give him and the others a big heart felt smile when we pass and it started sticking. I don't even have to force myself anymore because I realize all the things the Rav teaches us is true. The little things that we can do to make other people's lives better and happier require so little effort and eventually no effort at all but in the process of making them happier, you feel happier. And you can smile at someone from a heart filled with love rather than suspicion and anger and jealousy and hurt and revenge. Ah just give it all up for goodness sake. And as soon as I pop my pain pills I'll be gloriously happy again. I think they've helped me more than the Rav. Wouldn't it be nice if we could live on pain pills when we get old, TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. Well, I better get busy and do something on my last day off, cleaning and laundry for one. God help us all to get through this old age thing.

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     My family was very poor but we didn't know any different so we were happy. We had the only two-seater out house in the neighborhood. My dad could fix anything and he liked to dabble in stuff. We had a home made dinette set and my sister and I had home-made rocking chairs. He also made jewelry one time. He liked to fool around with short wave radio and had a work shop in the basement. He built us a wooden play house once. And he kept a garden and grew a variety of stuff. He even made his own home made wine. He fermented them on the tops of all the cars he had sitting around. He also repaired cars and television sets as well. He was a jack of all trades. His favorite thing was playing guitar and singing. This made wonderful memories for me. He loved to fish and mom would clean them and when she got enough she'd have fish fries and invite people over. Dad liked to keep his fish alive as long as possible in the bathtub so he could show them off to people. I remember a tub full of cat fish and my mom flipping out telling us girls to keep our hands out of the tub and yelling at dad because no one could take a bath as long as the fish were in their. He also had a wonderful sense of humor and liked to play jokes on people. One time he stuck a giant fake spider on the side of the tub so when mom went to give us kids our baths she'd see it their. He got a good laugh out of that one but she didn't think it was so funny. He adored my mom and called her his little Janie. Every morning mom would get up at five and fix him breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast and pack him a lunch. He worked in an aerospace factory. Top secret stuff he'd tell us. Not allowed to talk about it. I guess they did a lot of military contracts. But he ended up with mesothelioma in his old age from aspestus exposure. But he still lived into his eighties and even when he could hardly breathe he still found stuff to do. He cooked and baked cakes. My mom died ten years before he did of cancer. That was the greatest heartbreak of his life. But he told himself she was in her usual chair right beside him and he'd talk to her all the time. He even painted pictures of her and hung them all over his room. That was another thing he did was paint. And he was a bit kooky. He believed in U.F.O.s and ghosts and would order books on the subject and so he ended up reading a lot too. He was overseas in World War 11 for three and a half years. So I guess he lived a very fool life. He loved his mother and they would go fishing together when she was alive and up and about. They say you can tell a what a man's like by the way he treats his mother. Well, my dad went to see her and sit by her bed and just be with her the whole time she was alive. She had crippling arthritis and was totally paralyzed for years. So he'd sit by her bed and watch tv with her and just talk to her and be with her. Sometimes he'd take us with him and we'd sit in the living room and talk to Padro. Padro was grampa's parrot. He could keep kids amused for a long time. He could copy any sound you made and he talked! When we weren't doing that we'd sneak off to play grampa's organ. It had all kinds of neat knobs to push and pull and a seat that went around and around and up and down. My grampa was an ambidextrous carpender. I still remember him hanging up his tools at the end of the day. He was a good man too. He took care of my gramma all those years at home, and when she died he'd wake up in the night to take care of her and cry his heart out cause she wasn't their to care for any more.

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     The earliest memories I have are of peeking around the doorway to the living room and watching all the big people dancing. I had to be very small as I was below my mom's dress. When I got older my mom told me she and dad had a lot of parties when they were young and I used to sneak out of my bed and wander into the living room during the parties. One day, she said, I went staggering through the living room drunk as a skunk and they realized I'd been sipping everyone's beer while they were dancing, so she told dad, no more parties. LOL

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