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Tags: humor
Thoughts About Life
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered,
"Call for backup."
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today,
it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "Well that depends - You buyin'?"
Tags: Humor
Sorry about not being on lately, but I've been scamed which I had to delete everything on my computer and start over again..... now, it seems like I lost my sound also, back to the computer place to have that fixed.... also getting things that say I need a plug in??? Have no idea? Thanks for your time and visit..... Ed Missing
Tags: music
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
Tags: Humor
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
Tags: Humor
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become. The following is a recap of my current identity: I was born a white male, which makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel. I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-socialist. I worked my way through college and acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd overachiever. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist. I believe that people who are illegally in America should not be given amnesty and benefits, which makes me anti-immigrant. I believe that minorities with "C+" averages should not be admitted to medical and law schools in place of white students with "A" averages, which makes me intolerant and insensitive. I believe that men who impregnate single women should pay for their children's upbringing and not taxpayers, which makes me a heartless bigot. Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore! Newest problem – now I'm not sure which bathroom I should use.
Tags: Humor
This proves how media influences our young children's minds and how they can be so confused so easily-----but is still funny!A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon on the resurrection!During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of acongregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.............LOL!
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses ... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." 
Tags: humor
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the 'seniors' special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs..'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for
not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home
and baked a cake.
Tags: humor
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