When you have parents who are getting on in years, you realize there will come a time when you have to step in and take over for them, manage their financial affairs, medical care, etc. Your parents put their trust in you thinking you will manage their business in the same manner they would. This is not the time for you to take over and manipulate, lie, steal and hide all the facts from your parent or other siblings, if you have them just because of your greediness or the financial predictament you got yourself into. Just because you tend to be the primary caregiver of that parent, that does not give you the right to use their money as your second income to pay your mortgage, your childrens' college, vacation trips, etc, etc, etc.
What I am describing in the above paragraph is something called Elder Financial Abuse. I have seen for myself how an adult child can on one side claim to be the doting child, making sure the parent is being taken care of, medical care is provided and helping out with that parent's financial issues. But, that's just on the surface, what's really happening is something dark and sinister underneath it all. Now, bear in mind this is going to be a long article because we are talking of a time period of two-and-a-half years. Lots of very interesting things were going on during this time, and still is.
I'll touch on the different aspects I have witnessed with my own father-in-law. When my mother-in-law passed away, my father-in-law had no understanding of what his finances were. This was because while he was married to my mother-in-law, he had so much trust in her, he would hand his paychecks over to her and she took care of all their financial affairs. So, of course, after she passed away, there was a lot he didn't know because he depended on her so much. After he was left on his own, this is when the "doting" daughter started making her appearances. Oh, and while I'm thinking of this, this same daughter would rarely have any contact with these parents through the years. Now all of a sudden, she's "there" for Dad.
Soon after my mother-in-law's death, my sister-in-law made a trip to the family home to help out her father. She had gone to the several banks my mother-in-law had accounts in and consolidated all money into one bank account. Ok, that's a good idea, it makes sense to only have one account instead of three or four. Shortly after she left, my husband's father called us and explained that someone had stolen his money, that $7,000.00 was gone. My husband assured him there must have been a mistake, and told his father he would call the "doting" daughter and ask her what happened. Well, her explanation was that "He must be confused". We started noticing after this conversation that my father-in-law was "confused" over a lot of things. The phone was a good one. My father-in-law was in the hospital one time and after my husband said he would call his father while there, his sister informs him that their father probably wouldn't answer because he was "confused" on how the phone worked. Funny how whenever my husband called him whether he was in the hospital or at home, he never had a problem with picking up the phone and answering it. Getting back to the missing $7,000.00, the first question my sister-in-law asked my husband was, "Does he think I took it?" Hmm...why would this question even come into your mind if you knew you hadn't taken it?
My father-in-law lived on his own for approxamately two years after his wife's death. We had asked on different occasions if he wanted to leave his home and either stay with us or his daughter. His answer was always no, that he wanted to stay in his home. For a time we had other relatives or neighbors check on him to make sure he was alright. Finally my sister-in-law brought him back to her home and he lived with her the last remaining 15 months of his life. After he had been with her for about three months, they made plans to return to the family home to bring some of his personal items back. We found out later other plans were also being made. My husband and his sister made plans on when to meet at the family home so my husband would be able to visit his father. He made arrangements with his job and soon after that he spoke with his father and lo and behold, found out his sister's travel dates had all of a sudden changed. Instead of leaving at the time she said she was, we found out through Dad they were leaving within DAYS! She upped her travel dates by THREE WEEKS and of course told my husband she was sure she had informed him of this change. You know how you can tell when something just isn't right? This is another thing, my sister-in-law always kept her brother at a distance, would never tell him of her plans and pretty much kept him out of the loop of things. Luckily my husband was able to change his leave status and we were able to get there earlier. Have you ever had that feeling you just weren't welcomed? It was really hard to get away from the chill we received once we got to my father-in-law's, and this was the middle of June...in the lower southern gulf states.
To make a long story short, because there is just too much detail to write about, my husband was finding out a lot of things while he was back home. One being was his sister made herself the only one to have Durable Power of Attorney, while he and a half-sister, (who by the way was not raised by my father-in-law, was never in his life, but yet somehow, she's in the picture), were Associates. This way, my sister-in-law would be in total control, even though both her and my husband were executors of the will. With protests from my husband, documents had been changed and he was also given Durable Power of Attorney and the half-sister was written off.
It was during this time while my husband had his Power of Attorney we found numerous things that had been happening with my father-in-law's finances. I want to state here that my husband informed his father that he was going to check into his finances and his father told him to do whatever he needed or wanted. After we returned home, we went to a local bank of the same branch my father-in-law had his account with. This is when we found out about the first $7,000.00 that Dad thought was stolen. It had been withdrawn from his account at the time my sister-in-law made her first visit. This was the first of many heavy, and I mean heavy withdrawals from my father-in-law's checking account. My husband wanted to check on his father's credit card history and for some strange reason, his mother's credit card came into question. We found out through the credit card company that her credit card had been turned over to the credit card fraud department because they noticed a change in the use and payment of the card. It appears my sister-in-law was using her deceased mother's credit card, forging her name, as her and my mother-in-law's names were almost identical and paying the bills over a two year period. Hmm....isn't that called credit card fraud? Isn't that a felony?
After checking into various things and my sister-in-law finding out what her brother was doing, she was able to have his Power of Attorney revoked so he could no longer get information. With no Power of Attorney, he wasn't able to investigate further. His father was of sound mind and body, he was living with his daughter and she could manipulate and take advantage of him in any way she wanted. One good thing before the POA was revoked, my husband was able to get numerous copies of bank statements, canceled checks which many had someone else's signatures instead of my father-in-law's and other interesting pieces of information.
I remember after my father-in-law's funeral we made an appointment to see the estate attorney. My husband brought up many of the above issues to the attorney, about all the missing money and withdrawals, etc. All the attorney said was, "You could have done it too." Can you believe an estate attorney saying something like that?
One day AFTER my father-in-law's death, my sister-in-law removed $25,000.00 from her father's checking account which was money from an equity line of credit that she talked my father-in-law into getting. Actually the equity line of credit was $35,000.00 all together, but she had gotten her hands on the first $10,000.00 while he was still alive and done who knows what with that. We do know an electric scooter and lift was purchased for him, but there's still about $6,000.00 that needs to be accounted for. This money, the equity line of credit, was supposed to be used for taking care of their father in case he needed to be placed in a nursing home, pay the estate bills and do any repairs on the house, according to my sister-in-law. I want to add here that with my father-in-law's two retirement checks plus his Social Security, there was no reason for acquiring a line of credit against the house. My father-in-law was debt free...he had no mortgage payments, no outgoing loan payments, credit card payments or medical bills. My father-in-law was retired from the United States Air Force and all his medical needs were taken care of by the military health insurance plus Medicare. My husband repeatedly told his father he thought it was a mistake for him to sign for the loan, that he didn't need it, but, the "doting" daughter kept pushing until she got what she wanted.
Let's talk about the bill paying. Since my sister-in-law helped herself to the $25,000.00 from the equity line of credit, since it was she who felt that this loan was needed, my husband refused to make any payments on this loan or any of the payments for the estate bills. He felt since she was holding all the money that was supposed to be used for that purpose, then she was responsible for paying the bills. There were a couple of incidences where the home owner's insurance was about to be canceled because she neglected to pay the insurance. We had to pay it once so it wouldn't be canceled. Also there was a time she almost put the house into foreclosure because she didn't feel like making any more payments to the equity line of credit. The house was EIGHT DAYS from being foreclosed! We had no idea that this was happening until we received a letter from the estate attorney informing us of this matter. Again, a lot of detail to go into, but she finally made the payments and got them current. In the meantime, my husband contacted his attorney and had a letter drawn up saying he would not be responsible for any of the bills since it was she who had in her possession the money that was suppose to be used for the purpose of paying estate bills.
My husband had mailed his attorney pages of different questions he wanted his sister to answer. You're probably asking why didn't he just call her. He didn't bother with calling because she screens her phone calls. If she doesn't want to talk to you, she won't pick up. Don't bother with emails because she avoids any questions you ask, but will ramble on and on about how much she and her family had to sacrifice and change their lives around to take care of Dad. So the only other way was for my husband to go through his attorney, then her attorney, then finally her. He sent these questions out about the middle of October this year and finally received a letter from her attorney through the estate attorney that they have a proposal. The proposal that is being offered is that she will drop her claims against the estate to avoid further and expensive litigations. Oh yeah, she has claims...she's wanting to be reimbursed with MONEY SHE USED FROM THE ESTATE, (the equity line of credit) that paid the estate bills in the amount of $16,397.00. She's saying all this money came from her own personal funds. Oh she's a slick one thinking she can use estate money to pay estate bills and then think she can put her claims in to the probate court and get reimbursed. There is a court order in place now holding this money in a trust until probate is closed. My husband is composing a letter to reply about the proposal, and I have to say in his mind, this proposal is doing nothing for him. Whatever his response will be, I know his sister won't be very happy about it. After this is all said and done, there will be no further communication between my husband and his sister. He's been shocked and hurt seeing what his sister did to their father and has said a few times if he hadn't seen it for himself, he wouldn't have believed his sister was capable of doing anything like this. He wouldn't have ever done this to her, and I know for a fact he wouldn't have.
I would just like to recap on a few things. Everything my sister-in-law did was a textbook case of Elder Financial Abuse. This is a list of what is determined as such:
1. Funds that have disappeared and cannot be explained. My husband figured out his sister had access to over $112,000.00 from their father for her own personal gain. What is an 82 year old man going to do with $112,000.00? Especially when he lived a very modest lifestyle, was debt free and all his medical needs were covered with his insurance?
2. Sudden changes in a will. Something his sister convinced their father to do.
3. Drastic changes in the elder's bank accounts. At different times according to my father-in-law's bank statements he had $10,000.00. Then in the next month's statement, the account would almost be wiped out. Then after 5 months it would be built back up to $10,000.00 and wiped out again the following month. This happened 3 or 4 separate times.
4. Large withdrawals of money. To the tune of $41,400.00 within an 18 month period.
5. Forged documents. There were many signatures on checks that certainly were not his father's. These were a poor attempt at forging his father's signature by his sister.
6. Sudden change in the elder's bank or accounting firm. He opened a bank account once he moved in with the "doting" daughter. When my husband was gathering information and she found out, she quickly moved that account into her own account and my father-in-law was secondary on that account while she of course was primary.
7. The sudden and continued interest of family members that have never shown a previous interest. My sister-in-law.
Another aspect of Elder Abuse is physical abuse, physical neglect, psychological, financial neglect and violations of rights. Out of this list, the only other form of abuse we saw was psychological abuse as there was isolation, loss of freedom and loss of financial control. My husband offered to move back to the family home so his father could live the remaining time of his life there, but his father refused. We believe he was afraid that he would have been put in a home because that's what the sister was telling him. She poisoned my father-in-law against my husband, and that is another tactic that is used. The "doting" child will isolate the parent and talk bad of other family members to get that parent to think other's are out to get them and they are the only ones that care for them.
Elder Abuse is rampant in this country. More and more cases of this are happening every year. The "doting" child who takes the parent in believes that because they have taken on the responsibility of taking care of that parent, they are entitled to whatever money, property and anything else that parent owns. They rationalize that the parent doesn't need all of their money. Whoever in a family decides they will take on the responsibility of the care of a parent, that was their decision and should understand what all comes with that decision. Your parents took care of you as you were growing up, fed, clothed, provided medical treatment when you needed it without charging you a cent. You honor your parents by taking care of them and their needs the way they had done for you. It's called respect.
If anyone who reads this has experienced this for themselves, feel free to drop a comment.
