|
Viewing 190 - 198 out of 203 Blogs.
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
22 |
|
> >A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
> >class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
> > attention.
> > She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
> > embarrassed and whispered that he had just
> > recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
> >go
> > down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother
> > and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and
> > returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
> > room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
> > his desk with IT hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your
> > mom!" she said "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
> > stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
> >
> >KIDS; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??  
You're always hearing about new computer viruses running
around. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!
*LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer...then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
*RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
*MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
*OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then
slowly expands to 200MB.
*DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
*ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
*DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
*PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
*JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
*ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.
*LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then
discards it through Windows.
*VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
*CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.
Joke submitted by: Gangster
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on
the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very
strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."
Joke submitted by: S. Feely
  
Weird Sex Laws
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
Senility & The Stoplight Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again... and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James, age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne, age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie, age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.
(Millie, age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen, age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them
there.
(Russ, age 5)
"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
Moses started out as a basket case."
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor o f the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
22 |
|
|
