|
Viewing 181 - 189 out of 203 Blogs.
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
21 |
|
|
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
'This here's a big mule!'
'Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey.'
'Mule!'
'Donkey!'
Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. 'What are you boys doing?' he asked.
'We're diggin' a grave for this mule.'
'Donkey, dammit!'
The chaplain cut in, 'Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass.'
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, 'What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?'
'No sir. We're diggin' an asshole.'
Those Born 1930-1979!
TO ALL THE KIDS
WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and k nocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. 
>> What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! >> These have to be original and genuine. . No adult is this creative!>>>> JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. >> After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and >> one for cold milk?">> MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she >> was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't >> remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to >> six.">>>> STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so >> much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.">>>> BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She >> tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her >> Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. >> Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?">>>> SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please >> don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough.">>>> D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I >> cost?">>>> MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and >> kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his >> dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?">>>> CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked >> what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with >> this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?">>>>>> JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man >> named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his >> wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What >> happened to the flea?">>>> TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather >> wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then >> asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?">>>> The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday >> sermon.. "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward >> heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are >> but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient >> daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly >> in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?">>>> The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!>>>> Have a wonderful day.....
Man: "Haven't we met before?"> Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD> Clinic."> > Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?> Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there> anymore."> >
Man: "Is this seat empty?"> Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit> down."> > Man: "So what do you do for a living?"> Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."> >
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"> Woman: "Do not Enter"> >
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"> Woman: "Unfertilized !"> >
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar> for> the same reason"> Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"> >
Man: "I want to give myself to you."> Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."> >
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:> Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably> die> laughing".> >
Man: "Your body is like a temple."> Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."> >
Man: "I would g o to the end of the world for you.> Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...>But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, nodaydreaming,no planning >your response. Just listening.>>2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...>Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and >handholds.Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family >and friends.>>>3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...>Email funpages to your friends. Share articles and funny>stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you.">>>4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...>It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, >handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime,and may even change a >life.>>5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...>A simple and sincere, "You look great in red,"You did a super job" or "That >was a>wonderful meal" can make someone's day>>6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...>Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.>>>7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...>There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be >sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.>>8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...>The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really >it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank You".
>>Because I'm a Man>>>>Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the>>Car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after>>Hypothermia>>Has set in.>>Calling RAC is not an option. I will win.>>_________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very>>Well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as>>If what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one>>Of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to>>Fix these things, but now with all these>>Computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to>>Start." We>>Will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a>>Form of>>Holy communion.>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man,>>when I catch a cold, I need someone>>To bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in>>Bed and moan. You're a woman.You never get as sick as>>I do, so for you, this>>Is no problem.>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase>>Basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I>>Cannot be>>Expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu.">>For all I know,these are the same thing.>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops>>Working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite>>Evidence that this will just cost me twice as much>>Once the repair person gets here and has to put it>>Back together.>>>>___________________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote>>Control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has>>Been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for>>It.....though one time I was able to survive by>>Holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers>>Mainly).>>>>_______________________________________________________>>>>Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother,>>Or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when>>She calls, or think about her any more than I have to.>>Whatever you got>>Her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.>>And don't forget to pick up something for my mother,>>Too.>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked>>The movie.>>Chances are, if you're crying at the end of>>it, I>>Didn't....and if you are feeling amorous>>Afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember>>The name and recommend it to others.>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is>>Fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago>>Was fine, too.>>Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or>>Without it, looks>>Fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just>>Go now?>>_______________________________________________>>Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year>>2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just>>Do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the>>Vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the>>Rest.............. Like wandering around in the garden>>With a beer wondering what to>>do.>>______________________________________________>>This has been a public service message for women to>>Better understand men.............
>Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today,>I rery sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.">>The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you>today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.>That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.">>Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.>I be at work soon......... You got nice house." 
TAKE HOLD OF EVERY MOMENT
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk
> >>paper wrapped package:
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."
> >>
> >>He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>"She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She
> >>has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion.
> >>Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next
> >>to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had
> >>just died. He turned to me and said:
> >>
> >>
> >>"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a
> >>special occasion".
> >>I still think those words changed my life.
> >>
> >>Now I read more and clean less.
> >>
> >>I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
> >>
> >>I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
> >>I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to,
> >>not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses
> >>every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like
> >>it.
> >>
> >>I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I
> >>want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my
> >>dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see,
> >>listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if
> >>she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I
> >>think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
> >>She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to
> >>think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's these small
> >>things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
> >>
> >>I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet,
> >>letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this days".
> >>I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers and sons,
> >>not times enough at least, how much I love them.
> >>Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring
> >>laughter and joy into our lives.
> >>And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.
> >>Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.
> >>If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably,
> >>there's someone you care about.
> >>If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to
> >>yourself that you will send it "One of these days",
> >>remember that "One day" is far away... or might never come.. .
> >>
> >>This TANTRA came from India. No matter if you're superstitious or not,
> >>spend some time reading it.
> >>It holds useful messages for the soul.
> >>
> >>Don't keep this message.
> >>This Tantra must leave your hands within 96 hours.
> >>Send copies and watch what goes on in the next four days.
> >>You'll have a pleasent surprise.
> >>
> >>This is true, even if you're not superstitious.
> >>Now, here's the fun of it:
> >>send this message to at least 5 people and you're life improves.
> >>
> >>0-4 people: your life improves slightly.
> >>5-9 people: your life imnproves according to your expectations!
> >>9-14 people: you'll have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
> >>15 or more people: your life improves drastically and your dreams start to
> >>take shape.
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
21 |
|
|
|
