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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.


8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED, THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

LIFE IN THE 1500's



THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some interesting facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell,

so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally

the children, Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery

and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

T he floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. "

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a coupl e of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones

to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

Educate someone...Share these facts with a friend

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

The Joys of being over 50 PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Forward this to every one you can remember

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

I don't know how true this is everyone should do their own research, I know i will check it out since i have a weight problem and half the stuff they talk about are things we eat almost everyday, kinda scary I thought they banned the use of MSG along time ago guess I was wrong but will search and find out,I just googled MSG and first on list is this web site :
Monosodium glutamate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Ajinomoto (�'�の素) company was formed to manufacture and market MSG in ... Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) has been shown to cause obesity in lab rats [22] ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monosodium_glutamate - 56k -Cached - Similar pages







> > About time to get more particular about what we eat - hard to do - yeah but one has to start somewhere.
> > ARE YOU SLOWLY POISONING YOURSELF?
> > MSG - used in Coffee - (read this for sure) please read this. It is startling!!

> > Food additive "MSG" is a Slow Poison. Slow Poisoning MSG hides behind 25 or more names, such as "Natural Flavouring".
> > MSG is also in your favourite Tim Horton's and other brand coffee shops! Pass this on to those who still may be unaware or
> > disbelieving of the dangers of MSG. I wondered if there could be an actual chemical causing the massive obesity epidemic, so did a friend of mine, John Erb. He was a research assistant at the University of Waterloo in Ontario Canada , and spent years working for the government.
> > He made an amazing discovery while going through scientific journals for a book he was writing called "The Slow Poisoning of America ". In hundreds of studies around the world, scientists were creating obese mice and rats to use in diet or diabetes test studies.
> > No strain of rat or mice is naturally obese, so the scientists have to create them. They make these morbidly obese creatures by injecting them with MSG when they are first born. The MSG triples the amount of insulin the pancreas creates; causing rats (and humans?) to become obese. They even have a title for the fat rodents they create: "MSG-Treated Rats". I was shocked too. I went to my kitchen, checking the cupboards and the fridge. MSG was in everything! The Campbell 's soups, the Hostess
> > Doritos, the Lays flavoured potato chips, Top Ramen, Betty Crocker Hamburger Helper, Heinz canned gravy, Swanson frozen prepared meals, Kraft salad dressings, especially the 'healthy low fat' ones. The items that didn't have MSG marked on the product label had something called ''Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein'', which is just another name for Monosodium Glutamate. It was shocking to see just how many of the foods we feed our children everyday are filled with this stuff. They hide MSG under many different names in order to fool those who carefully read the ingredient list, so they don't catch on. (Other names for MSG:
> > 'Accent' - 'Aginomoto' - 'Natural Meet Tenderizer' etc) But it didn't stop there.
> > When our family went out to eat, we started asking at the restaurants what menu items had MSG. Many employees, even the managers, swore they didn't use MSG. But when we ask for the ingredient list, which they grudgingly provided sure enough MSG and Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein were everywhere. Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's, Taco Bell , every restaurant, even the sit down ones like TGIF, Chilis', Applebees and Denny's use MSG in abundance. Kentucky Fried Chicken seemed to be the WORST offender: MSG was in every chicken dish, salad dressing and gravy. No wonder I loved to eat that coating on the skin, their secret
> > spice was MSG!
> > So why is MSG in so may of the foods we eat?.. Is it a preservative or a vitamin??
> > Not according to my friend John. In the book he wrote, an expose of the food additive industry called "The Slow Poisoning of A merica " he said that MSG is added to food for the addictive effect it has on the human body.
> >
> > http://www.spofamerica.com/
> >
> > Even the propaganda website sponsored by the food manufacturers lobby group supporting MSG at:
> > http://www.msgfactscom/facts/msgfact12.html explains that the reason they add it to food is to make people eat more. A study of the elderly showed that people eat more of the foods that it is added to. The Glutamate Association lobby group says eating more benefits the elderly, but what does it do to the rest of us? 'Betcha can't eat just one', takes on a whole new meaning where MSG is concerned! And we wonder> > why the nation is overweight?
> > The MSG manufacturers themselves admit that it addicts people to their products. It makes people choose their product over others, and makes people eat more of it than they would if MSG wasn't added.
> >
> > Not only is MSG scientifically proven to cause obesity, it is an addictive substance! Since its introduction into the American
> > food supply fifty years ago, MSG has been added in larger and larger doses to the pre-packaged meals, soups, snacks and fast foods we are tempted to eat everyday. The FDA has set no limits on how much of it can be added to food.
> >
> > They claim it's safe to eat in any amount. How can they claim it safe when there are hundreds of scientific studies with titles like these? :- The monosodium glutamate (MSG) obese rat as a model for the study of exercise Ribeiro IA.Res Commun Mol Pathol Pharmacol. 2002.
> > Adrenalectomy abolishes the food-induced hypothalamic serotonin release in both normal and monosodium glutamate-obese rats'.
> > Guimaraes RB, Telles MM, Coelho VB, Mori C, Nascimento CM, Ribeiro Brain
> > Res Bull. 2002 Aug.
> > Obesity induced by neonatal monosodium glutamate treatment in spontaneously hypertensive rats: an animal model of multiple risk factors'.
> >
> > Iwase M, Yamamoto M, Iino K, Ichikawa K, Shinohara N,
> > Yoshinari Fujishima Hypertens Res. 1998 Mar.
> >
> > Hypothalamic lesion induced by injection of monosodium glutamate in suckling period and subsequent development of obesity'.
> > Tanaka K, Shimada M, Nakao K, Kusunoki Exp Neurol. 1978 Oct.
> > Yes, that last study was not a typo, it WAS written in 1978.
> > Both the "medical research community" and "food manufacturers" have known about MSG's side effects for decades! Many more studies mentioned in John Erb's book link MSG to Diabetes, Migraines and headaches, Autism, ADHD and even Alzheimer's. But what can we do to stop the food manufactures from dumping fattening and addictive MSG into our food supply and causing the obesity epidemic we now see?
> >
> > Even as you read this, G. W. Bush and his corporate supporters are pushing a Bill through Congress called the "Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act" also known as the "Cheeseburger Bill", this sweeping law bans anyone from suing food manufacturers, sellers and distributors.
> > Even if it comes out that they purposely added an addictive chemical to their foods.
> > Read about it for yourself at: http://www.yahoo.com/.
> >
> > The Bill has already been rushed through the House of Representatives, and is due for the same rubber stamp at Senate level. It is important that Bush and his corporate supporters get it through before the media lets everyone know about 'MSG, the
> > intentional Nicotine for food'.
> >
> > Several months ago, John Erb took his book and his concerns to one of the highest government health officials in Canada .
> > While sitting in the Government office, the official told him "Sure I know how bad MSG is, I wouldn't touch the stuff!" But this top level government official refused to tell the public what he knew.
> >
> > The big media doesn't want to tell the public either, fearing legal issues with their advertisers. It seems that the fallout on fast food industry may hurt their profit margin. The food producers and restaurants have been addicting us to their products for years, and now we are paying the price for it. Our children should not be cursed with obesity caused by an addictive food additive. But what can I do about it?... I'm just one voice!
> >
> > What can I do to stop the poisoning of our children, while our governments are insuring financial protection for the industry that is poisoning us!
> >
> > This e-mail is going out to everyone I know in an attempt to tell you the truth that the corporate owned politicians and media won't tell you.
> >
> > The best way you can help to save yourself and your children from this drug-induced epidemic, is to forward this email to everyone. With any luck, it will circle the globe before politicians can pass the legislation protecting those who are poisoning us. The food industry learned a lot from the tobacco industry. Imagine if big tobacco had a bill like this in place before someone blew the whistle on Nicotine?
> >
> > If you are one of the few who can still believe that MSG is good for us,and you don't believe what John Erb has to say, see for yourself. Go to the National Library of Medicine, at http://www.pubmed.com/. Type in the words "MSG Obese" and read a few of
> > the 115 medical studies that appear.
> >
> > We the public, do not want to be rats in one giant experiment and we do not approve of food that makes us into a nation of obese, lethargic, addicted sheep, feeding the food industry's bottom line, while waiting for the heart transplant, diabetic induced amputation, blindness or other obesity induced, life threatening disorders. With your help we can put an end to this poison.
> > Do your part in sending this message out by word of mouth, e-mail or by distribution of this print-out to all your friends all over the world and stop this 'Slow Poisoning of Mankind' by the packaged food industry.
> >
> > Blowing the whistle on MSG is our responsibility, get the word out.
> >
>

Did I ever mention that I hate snakes...> > Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes> (Thamnophissirtalis) > can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not> rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater,> Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a > recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of> them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.> > > It turned out that a little green garden grass snake> was hidden in > one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it> slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.> She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was> taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked> to see what the problem was. She told him there was> a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on> his hands and knees to look for it. About that time> the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the> behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he> screamed and fell over on the floor. > > His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she> covered him up, told him to lie still and called an> ambulance. > > The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his> protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started> carrying him out. About that time, the snake came> out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical> Technician saw it and dropped his end of the> stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why> he is still in the hospital. > > The wife still had the problem of the snake in the> house, so she > called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the> snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper> and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it> was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the> sofa in relief. > > But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the> cushions, where > she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed> and fainted, the > snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man,> seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR> to revive her. > > The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from> shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's> mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband> in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,> knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point> where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman> from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying> on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she> assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to> the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and> began pouring it down the man's throat. > > By now, the police had arrived. ... > > Breath here...... > > They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,> and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They> were about to arrest them all, when the women tried> to explain how it all happened over a little green> snake. > > The police called an ambulance, which took away the> neighbor and his sobbing wife. > > Now, the little snake again crawled out from under> the sofa and one > of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He> missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.> The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,> as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. > > The other policeman tried to beat out the flames,> and fell through > the window into the yard on top of the family dog> who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street,> where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and> smashed into the parked police car. > > Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and> called in the fire > department. The firemen had started raising the fire> ladder when they were halfway down the street. The> rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out> the power, and disconnected the telephones in a> ten-square city block area (but they did get the> house fire out). > > Time passed! > > Both men were discharged from the hospital, the> house was repaired, > the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and> all was right with their world. A while later they> were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold> snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if> he thought they should bring in their plants for the> night. > > > ..... And that's when he shot her .

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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