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Viewing 154 - 162 out of 203 Blogs.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how naughty, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
>A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
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>Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
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>until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
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>arrange a divorce for him.
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>The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
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>circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
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>L: Have you any grounds?
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>P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
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>L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
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>P: It made of concrete.
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>L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
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>P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
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>L: I mean. What are your relations like?
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>P: All my relations still in Poland
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>L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
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>P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
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>L: Does your wife beat you up?
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>P: No, I always up before her.
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>L: Is your wife a nagger?
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>P: No, she white.
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>L: Why do you want this divorce?
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>P: She going to kill me.
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>L: What makes you think that?
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>P: I got proof.
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>L: What kind of proof?
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>P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
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>shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never Given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.
BUZZARD:
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6' x 8' and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner.
The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10-12'. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
BAT:
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and painfully until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE:
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom.
It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE:
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y ' to 'i' and add 'es'"
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Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
How to install a Redneck Home Security System
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine, and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes (dirty) next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba! ... Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and Me went down to the gun shop for
more ammunition. Be back in an hour or so. Don't mess with the pit bulls -
they attacked the Mail Man this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think that Killer took part in it, but it was kinda hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of them up in the house. Better wait outside 
Who Bagged His Wife?
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he
went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. "The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a
grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor
queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finall y, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
> >>An 89-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
> >>normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
> >>you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
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> >>George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> >>he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
> >>bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes
> >>off."
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> >>"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
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> >>A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he
> >>says,
> >>"George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
> >>relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
> >>poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof, the
> >>light goes out? "
> >>"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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