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An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship- style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)



This is important information for females of ALL ages .




When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this
information is too important to miss someone.

Please pass it along




A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:





1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair . Women with short hair are not common targets.



2) The second thing men look for isclothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly . Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.




3) They also look for women on their cell phone , searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.




4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.





5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots . Number two: is office parking lots/garages. Number three: is public restrooms.




6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.



7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.



8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.





9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas , or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.




Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.





10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question , like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here," "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.


11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back .
Again, they are looking for an EASY target.




12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes) , yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.




13) If someone grabs you , you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker eitherunder the
arm(between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD . One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts.



14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN . I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.




15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.




16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!




You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

1 Tip from Tae Kwon Do : The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!


2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans .. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!



3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.


4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.




a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.


5 .. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:


A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.


B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.


C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.



IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)


6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)


7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!


8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.



9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."


The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it , but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.


Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This
should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.


I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him.
The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

See if you can figure out what all of the following words have in common:


Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?


Give It Another Try. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard.


OK... Here you go....hope you didn't cheat.....


This is cool - SCROLL DOWN




Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter.. place it at the end of the word....and then spell the word backwards..... it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? Most people do not.

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be putinto a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keepyour eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..........................
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist... It took three days to clean up the senior center."

sorry to any blondes I do not intend to insult or upset anyone but thought it was funny hehehe

A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun. He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

>A Little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog
>for a walk around the block?'
>
>Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
>
>'What's that mean?' asked the child.
>
>'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
>
>The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may
>I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom,
>but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you. '
>
>Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag,
>soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
>backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK,
>you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the
>block.'
>
>The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
>with no dog on the leash.
>
>Surprised, Dad
>asked, 'Where's Belle?'
>
>( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS !! )
>
>The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
>another dog is pushing her home.'

Here are actual excerpts from real resumes and cover letters...
And these people think they can get a job?

* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

* I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

* Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

* Wholly responsible for two(2) failed financial institutions.

* Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave

* Failed bar exam with relatively high grades

* It's best for employers that I not work with people

* Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

* You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

* Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

* Marital status: single: Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments

* I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

* I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

* I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

* I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

* Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

* As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

* Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

* Marital status: often. Children: various

* Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

* The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

* Finished eighth in my class of ten.

* References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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