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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
Come and check out my Group and post your jokes and have fun reading other posts...everyone welcome. Just click the picture below and will take you to the page
Visit THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE
Amazing Grace & S'ex A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The Pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." Then the Pastor said, "S'ex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing..."Precious Memories."
Come and check out my Group and post your jokes and have fun reading other posts...everyone welcome. Just click the picture below and will take you to the page
Visit THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE
Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."
Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.
Shower with above-mentioned friends.
Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail)
Repaint your entire house once a month.
Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.
Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of yours tove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad! She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he answered.
"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."
Well, there are 8 wheels and 4 men, and 8+4=12. There are 12 inches on a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. Elizabeth was also a ship. The ship sailed in the ocean, and in the ocean there are fish. On the fish there are fins. The Fins fought the Russian, and the Russians wore red.
Why is a fire truck always red: Because it’s always rushing!
When you wanna become an official Redneck, fill in this form (copy the thing to your WordProcessor an mail it to jurgendecleen@hotmail.com)
Application form to become an official Redneck
Name:_____________________________
Nickname:________________________________
CB Handle:______________________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________--_________________________
Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________
Mamma:___________________________________
Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________
Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________
Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______
Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______
Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______Big Dog
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________
BUMPER STICKERS:
Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of shit too _____Honk if you're horny _____
If you ain't a cowboy you ain't shit _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you're horny ___
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins ?. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle
13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry 19. Shonuf ?. Sidemeat 10.Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
Favorite Vocalist:
Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette
____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation
Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin'____
4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____
Noodlin' ____Other
Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.
Name of Daughter(s):
PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy
Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw
_____Pick Handle _____Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >
Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile
If You're Not Wearing Underwear
Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________
Memberships:
KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters
of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society
Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?_______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY
LOWER.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."
There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimau
ngahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book 'The Naked Lunch'.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein" the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it's mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
VERY IMPORTANT INFO
State police warning for online: Please read this "very carefully"..then
send it out to all the people online that you know. Something like this
is nothing to be taken casually; this is something you DO want to pay
attention to.
If a person with the screen-name of Monkeyman935 contacts you, do not
reply.
DO not talk to this person; do not answer any of his/her instant messages or e-mail.
Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death
of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet.
Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to
pass this on, as well. This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, AIM,
and Excite so far.
This is not a joke! Please send this to men too...just in case! Send to
everyone you know! Ladies, this is serious.
Jennifer S. Faulkner Education/Information Specialist Roanoke Fire-EMS
541 Luck Avenue, Suite 120 Roanoke, VA 24016
540) 853-2257 (phone)
540) 853-1172 (fax)
IF WE CAN PASS ON JOKES, SURELY WE CAN PASS ON A WARNING THAT MAY SAVE A FRIENDS LIFE!!!!
Miracles and Blessings
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