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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and eered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."
"Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
A Moslem has died and has arrived in Heaven.
He is very excited as, all his life, he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'
And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides.
He meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still'
Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a Coffee?'
'Yes please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Mohammed, two coffees please !'
A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.
The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun. He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.
Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"
She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Meet Molly. She's a gray speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners, when Katrina hit southern Louisiana , USA . She spent weeks on her own before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier, and almost died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected and her vet went to LSU for help. But LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that goes. But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, he changed his mind. He saw how the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight, and didn't overload her good leg. She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.
Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee and a temporary artificial limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins there.
'This was the right horse and the right owner,' Moore insists.
Molly happened to be a one-in-a-million patient. She's tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood (that) she was in trouble. The other important factor, according to Moore, is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.
Molly's story turns into a parable for life in post-Katrina Louisiana . The little pony gained weight, her mane felt a comb. A human prosthesis designer built her a leg. The prosthetic has given Molly a whole new life, Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet, reports. And she asks for it! She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take it off too.' And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca..
'It can be pretty bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse', she laughs.
Most important of all, Molly now has a job. Kay, the rescue farm owner, started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, & rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope. Wherever Molly goes, people observe her great courage and spirit.
She really inspires people, and she has a great time doing it !!
'It was obvious to me, that Molly had a bigger role to play in life', Moore said,..........
'She survived the hurricane, .....she survived a horrible injury, .....and now she is
giving hope to others !!!!!...........
'She's not quite back to normal yet,' says Barca, 'But she is continually improving !!
To me, she is a symbol of New Orleans itself !!!' 
This picture shows the ground surface that Molly stands on which has a smiley face embossed in it.
Wherever Molly goes, ....she leaves a smiley hoof print behind !!!.........
Some people in this world are just plain beautiful.
Not only can insects be a nuisance in your garden, but they can ruin a perfect picnic or hike. Here are a few totally green, home remedy suggestions to repel insects without using toxic chemicals. #1 Pepper Spray This works great for ants and other small pests. - Boil 2 or 3 cups of water.
- Add about ½ to 2/3 cup of chopped hot pepper. Let marinate for a few minutes.
- Run the mixture thru a sieve to remove the peppers.
- Put the liquid in a squirt bottle and use when necessary.
- Be careful not to spray directly on foliage.
#2 Minty Soap Spray This is great for ants. - Mix 2 tbsp of Dr. Bonners mint soap with a gallon of water.
- Spray directly on ants.
This will also work to ward off other pests on foliage however be care when you spray it directly on your plants. It has been known to burn some plants if too much is applied. #3 Pure Vanilla Extract Dab a little on you wrists, neck and behind the ears. Many insects don’t like the smell. #4 Chem-Free Bug Off Mist - Mix witch hazel with a few drops of tea tree oil, lavender oil, or peppermint oil in a squirt bottle.
- Lightly mist your body.
You can also add one of these essential oils to an unscented organic lotion for a bug repelling moisturizer. #5 Lavender Works Mosquito Miracles Stop the bites! - Rub a lavender flower behind your ears, wrists and neck.
- Not only will you smell great but mosquitoes will leave you alone.
Go Greener! We don’t need to use spray’s and harmful chemicals to keep pests away. There are plenty of natural, chemical free solutions to control bugs this summer. Go greener, our planet will thank you!
Subscribe to www.GardenMandy.com by Email
You Know You're a Canadian When...
You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk". You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine." You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars. You drink pop, not soda. You know what it means to be on pogey. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!" You can drink legally while still a teen. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you really don't want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway. You drive on a highway, not a freeway. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap." You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly." You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group. You participated in "Participaction." You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me." You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet. Unlike any international assasin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air. You know what a toque is. You have some memento of Doug and Bob. You know Toronto is not a province. You never miss "Coaches Corner." Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favorites food groups
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born; a Death
Certificate shows that we died; pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat...Relax...And now read this slowly.
I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we
understand that friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're
going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that
will give you heartache for life.
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person
I want to be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you
can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how
we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to
be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the
consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be
angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the
world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see
something totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by
people who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to
give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength
to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent
human being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that
you believe in. I just did.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
Martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
An occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs . Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
You should pass this on....2 TOUGH QUESTIONS
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
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