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Viewing 127 - 135 out of 139 Blogs.
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A is for your age: ahem? B is for your burger of choice: Ham and bacon C is for the car that you drive: don't have one :( D is for dog’s name: don't have one :( E is for an essential item you use each day: coffee maker F is for your favorite television show: don't have one :( G is for favorite game: Monopoly H is for hometown: that's where I am :-) I is for instruments played: pencil and notepad J is for favorite juice: Apple K is for what you’d like to kick: Drum L is for last restaurant you dined at: La Rest Up M is for your favorite Muppet: Swedish Chef N is for number of piercings you have: None O is for overnight hospital stays: Heart condition P is for people you were with today: Classmates Q is for what you do in quiet times: Sleep R is for regrets: Je non regrets S is for status: not withstanding am sat down T is for time you woke up today: 08:15 U is for what you consider unique: my life is unique if you'd care to follow then do tune in :-) V is for favorite vegetable: Brocolli W is for your worst habit: Poking my nostrils X is for x-rays you have had: quite a few over the years Y is for yummy food you ate today: Ham sandwich Z is for zodiac sign: Aquarian (the water bearer)
Copy & Paste if you want to take part in this :-)
- Grab a calculator (this is a little tough to do in your head)
- Key in the first three digits of your phone number (Not the area code)
- Multiply by 80
- Add 1
- Multiply by 250
- Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
- Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
- Subtract 250
- Divide number by 2
Anything look familiar?
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put €10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde." Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the €10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 Everybody in town knew the Johnson brothers. John was married, and Joe owned an little old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's little boat sank too.
A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John. She said, "Oh Mr. Johnson, I am truly sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel so terrible". Joe said, "Well, I'm a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start and her bottom was all chewed up. She smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I've ever seen. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got to where I could handle her all right. When anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her off though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her, so I rented her out, but I warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was just too much for her and she cracked right down the middle". The little old lady fainted right on the spot!
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
 A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's
license. He has to take an eye test. They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the optician asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."
 My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat; "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.Tray-up, Bitch."
 These are some real-life examples of what NOT to put in a resume.
-"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." -"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." -"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." -"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." -"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." -"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." -"I am a rabid typist." -"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." -"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." -"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." -"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." -"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." -"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." -"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." -"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail." -"Qualifications: No education or experience." -"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." -"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" -"When the job gets tough, I go to the bathroom." -"I am willing to point out others mistakes." -"If you smell a skunk, then I had just passed gas."
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