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 A true story out of San Francisco...
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started, and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me this weekend. The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single-engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was very lucky.
 In case you are unfamiliar with the term, it is, according to one reference 'a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humourous and/or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists'.
Here are some examples: - I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Need more Paraprosdokians? Here are the classics:
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." - Henry J. Tillman
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." - Will Rogers
"She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
The economy is so bad that:- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEOs are now playing miniature golf. - If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. - A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges. - BP Oil laid off 25 congressmen.
- Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
 A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages. His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
 Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck! Tech Support
 Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.
 A middle-aged gentleman got an urge one day to do something that he always wanted to do, but never had the courage. He bought himself a brand new Corvette from a dealership.
While driving his brand new Corvette on the interstate, a highway patrolman pulled in behind the middle-aged man in an attempt to pull him over. He thought to himself "I can outrun this cop" and floored the accelerator, quickly picking up speed and starting to pull away from the cop. All of a sudden the middle-aged man realizes that he is no longer a kid, and pulls the car over and waits up for the highway patrolman. The highway patrolman walked up to the brand new car smiling. He said, "It is about the end of my shift, and I don't want anymore paperwork than what I already have. If you can give me an excuse that I have not already heard today on why you were driving so fast, I will let you go without a ticket". The middle-aged man thought for a moment and then said, "Well officer, about 10 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrolman and I just thought that you were trying to bring her back."
 On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
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