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Viewing 82 - 90 out of 139 Blogs.
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 A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all Identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago." "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?" The agent replies, "I recognized Barrack Obama in the middle."
 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch...the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.Clair, Norfolk, VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked;"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered;"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked;"So how's your breakfast this morning?". "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read;"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said "Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! ! 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard;"No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'. The Dr. wouldn't submit his name.... Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said;"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said;"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".
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My Dog
Posted On 08/22/2012 05:47:23
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 Went down this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said;"Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak a word of English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country!
 New Immigration Laws:
1 There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
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2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
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3. All government business will be conducted in our language.
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4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
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5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office
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6 Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 7.Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 8. If foreigners come here and buy land. Options will be restricted. Certain parcels
including waterfront property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
9. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our prime minister or his policies. These will lead to deportation.
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10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted and when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Too strict?
The above rules are the current immigration laws of the Muslim countries.
 Yesterday I was at Asda's buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my pet Molson the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Asda won't let me shop there anymore.
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Lite on
Posted On 08/22/2012 05:41:09
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 Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with the light on.
 How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him what period its from.
 Tom, Dick and Mary were sunbathing on the beach.
Tom left to go get some munchies. When he returned, Dick was making out with Mary. Tom, who hadn't been around much, hollered; "Hey, what's going on here?" Dick explained, "Mary went in the water and damn nearly drowned. I had to pump new life into her." Tom pointed out, "You only had to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation." Dick said; "Well, it started out that way."
 What's the difference between Italian Mafia and the Galswegian Mafia?
The Italian Mafia make you and offer you cannot refuse. The Glaswegian Mafia make you an offer that you can't understand.
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