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Did you know that the Didgereedoo is the Aboriginies name for a kangeroos' pecker?
 TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one steals your chair.
 A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said; "Meow!" ...
 A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband. "See," the wife said to the man lying beside her. "Didn't I tell you that he doesn't know a thing about sex?"
7 Things that I do well.
- make coffee and the rwashing up after
- walking & cycling
- smiling
- reading
- writing
- listening to music
- catching a movie. 7 Things that I cannot do.
- fly an aircraft
- climb any heights, tall buildings, platforms (vertigo?)
- stop dreaming
- go, when have had a drink in public place
- tell a joke like I used to
- speak spanish, italian or french
- find anything to say when someone starts arguing at me
- handle crowds nor crowded places
7 Things that I say a lot.
- you're bad people
- you're nuts
- whacky old bat!
- how much?
- Well, I used to...
- oh clever!
- they are at it again next door, bleedin' hamsters
- thank you and goobye! 7 Celebrity Crushes.
- Renee Zelleweger
- Scarlet Johanssen
- Reece Witherspoon
- Linda Evangelista
- Nicole Kidman
- Alanis Morrisette
- Avril Lavigne
- Mary Poppins..LOL 7 Things to do before I die
- Visit the Highlands of Scotland, Ireland, Isle Of Man, Australia, New Zealand
- Meet up with online friends up close and personal
- Meet some celebs mentioned above
- Go to Mars and plant some seeds, it look like it needs them.
- Visit the set of favourite tv-show and go meet the stars
- Put Microsoft on the right road - they lost it at DOS.
- Make some noises. 7 My Attraction Points are
- A Smile
- Communicative, creative
- Helpful
- Kind hearted
- Good humoured
- Intelligent but not clever
(you can copy & paste this to a notepad then remove the answers replacing them with yours)
 Q: Doctor, I've heard that a cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness in that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone." 3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them." 4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." 5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." 6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." 7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names." 8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." 9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty." 10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…" And the worst… Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side." Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?" John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge." Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them." Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs." Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan." Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
 A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir." After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. "Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?" The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Not with a daffodil."
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