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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had egg sandwiches for tea!
 A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?! You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
 A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Why hello there. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied "is it a family name?" "No," she replied " as a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen. What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
 A wife came home early from work to find her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young lady.
And she was somewhat upset.
"You are a dis-respectful li'l pig!" she cried "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! That's it - I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
And the husband replied; "Hang on there just a minute luv, so that at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"
And the husband began; "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued; "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 An old geezer on a moped, looks about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at the traffic lights.
The old geezer looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks; "What kind of car you got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies; "A Ferrari GTO. It cost me half a million!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man "why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 kph!" the doctor says proudly. The guy on the moped asks; "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says; "That's a pretty fancy car all right...But I'll stick with my moped!" Just at that moment the lights change so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do and he floors it. Within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer and closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, just up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he checks his rearview mirrors and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says; "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers; "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
 Things to do in the toilet booth...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Darn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters. 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" 20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
 Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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