Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said,"Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.

The Father asked,"Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?"
She replied,"Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked,"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied,"Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said,"That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

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Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio back in June of 2007 and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love those Marines

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For those of you folks that don't know Jack Schitt:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla

Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was

then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the

Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

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When your daughter texts her boyfriend the number 8, do you know what it means? How about KPC or IWSN?

You had best sit down.

The number 8 means oral sex. KPC means "Keeping Parents Clueless," and IWSN means "I Want Sex Now."

While about 20 percent of teenagers admit to "sexting"--sending nude or partially nude photos via a cell phone text message--many more than that use what can appear to be a secret code to communicate a laundry list of sexual desires and plans.

Netlingo.com has helpfully decoded 50 popular chat words--words that every parent should know:

1. 8 - Oral sex
2. 1337 - Elite -or- leet -or- L337
3. 143 - I love you
4. 182 - I hate you
5. 1174 - Nude club
6. 420 - Marijuana
7. 459 - I love you
8. ADR - Address
9. AEAP - As Early As Possible
10. ALAP - As Late As Possible
11. ASL - Age/Sex/Location
12. CD9 - Code 9 - it means parents are around
13. C-P - Sleepy
14. F2F - Face-to-Face
15. GNOC - Get Naked On Cam
16. GYPO - Get Your Pants Off
17. HAK - Hugs And Kisses
18. ILU - I Love You
19. IWSN - I Want Sex Now
20. J/O - Jerking Off
21. KOTL - Kiss On The Lips
22. KFY -or- K4Y - Kiss For You
23. KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless
24. LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life
25. MOOS - Member Of The Opposite Sex
26. MOSS - Member(s) Of The Same Sex
27. MorF - Male or Female
28. MOS - Mom Over Shoulder
29. MPFB - My Personal F*** Buddy
30. NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That
31. NIFOC - Nude In Front Of The Computer
32. NMU - Not Much, You?
33. P911 - Parent Alert
34. PAL - Parents Are Listening
35. PAW - Parents Are Watching
36. PIR - Parent In Room
37. POS - Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece Of Sh**
38. pron - porn
39. Q2C - Quick To Cum
40. RU/18 - Are You Over 18?
41. RUMORF - Are You Male OR Female?
42. RUH - Are You Horny?
43. S2R - Send To Receive
44. SorG - Straight or Gay
45. TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
46. WTF - What The F***
47. WUF - Where You From
48. WYCM - Will You Call Me?
49. WYRN - What's Your Real Name?
50. zerg - To gang up on someone

What can parents do if they suspect their children are sexting? Talk to your kids! Choose a relaxed time and setting. Ask your teen about sexting and express how you feel in a conversational, non-confrontational way. "A two-way dialog can go a long way toward helping your kids understand how to minimize legal, social and reputation risks," says ConnectSafely.org.

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The Philosophy of Ambiguity

Please enjoy and understand the following

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey this one here looks like yours!'"

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Walker, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Walker shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Walker said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Walker. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Walker demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

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When someone is depressed, out of a job, in poor health, etc., there are things that you really shouldn't say. Recently I've found people repeating these things over and over and they hurt. It does not help.

What NOT to say: There’s always someone worse off than you are.

What to say: You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say: No one ever said that life was fair.

What to say: You are important to me.

What NOT to say: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

What to say: Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say: So you’re depressed (or complaining or still unemployed). Aren’t you always?

What to say: You are not going crazy (or I understand or keep looking a lot of people are out of work.)

What NOT to say: Try not to be so depressed.

What to say: We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

What NOT to say: It’s your own fault.

What to say: When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.

What NOT to say: Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days (or out of work for a few weeks).

What to say: I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.

What NOT to say: I think your depression (or complaining) is a way of punishing us.

What to say: I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.

What NOT to say: Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?

What to say: I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)  or I care about you.

What NOT to say: Have you tried chamomile tea? or snap out of it.

What to say: I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
Many people are going through some trial in their life. You may not even know it.  Just remember if they do say something, they need compassion above all else.

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