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More things you never knew you needed to know
1. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
4. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
6. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
7. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
8. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
9. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
10. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Just for fun
Algore and Global Cooling
Here is a News Bulletin just received through UP News...
Algore has done an about face on Global Warming!!!
He and three hundred twenty one top Scientist agree now that Global Warming has officially be reversed. "We have beaten the dreaded Global Warming catasrophie through our many recent efforts." Algore told the UP in an interview today. "The buying of Carbon Credits from me, and the Fart Awareness program have decreased the output of noxious fumes and toxic vapors from both people, cattle and other farting wildlife. In fact the reversal has gone too far"
"Now we have a new crisis building that we must address," Algore continued "Global Cooling!! The Earth is now on a fast freeze cycle. If you don't send me some money today or tomorrow at the latest, we will all freeze to death by next Tuesday."
Algore didn't specify what the money would be used for but rumors are that he and other top hot air experts are investing heavily in coal burning home fireplaces and oil heaters. The more smoke and pollution we pump into the atmosphere the warmer the air will be.
Also the Federal Department of Health recommends that all meals in the future contain at lest one kind of bean and some boiled eggs and beer.
" We can beat this Global Cooling threat if we all work together and fart our hearts out." Algore said as he let loose a rip snorter of a wind breaker to show the public his personal involvement in the program. Algore has made a commitment to flatulence, and ask all concerned American to purchase Fart Fume Credits from him to help elevate the temperature. and his bank account.
The National Press Club has issued a statement recommending Algore for another Noble Prize for his unwavering farts to stop Global Cooling... What a man!!!
(Of course wintertime approching would have nothing to do with the earth's cooling..)
Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon
Tags: Satire
Things you never knew you wanted to know...
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough coated, dough faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
If you bring a racoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Same thing with the library at the University of Massachusetts.
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: fun
Bulletin: Global Warming Put On Hold
U.S. Scientists and Algore agree - Global warming has been put on hold until May, possibly even June. As snow storms rage across the country today, prominent researchers tell us that the global warming scare is over at least until the weather warms up, then should last through next summer and part of the fall.
Global warming, you may recall, is the process through which the planet's surface temperature warms up due to the sun's heat. During summer months, this gives Scientist the excuse to blame humankind for heat waves, unexpected and unreceived rainfall, and other geologic conditions.
"This is the modern world, and we can no longer blame God or nature as was done in ancient times," reported one top researcher. "Now we know that it is actually people who are to blame,,, and cows." Many Scientist seem perfectly content to blame anyone with heating and air conditioning for the seasonal cycles.
Until the third week of March, scientists are urging people to use the phrase "Global cooling" instead. This term, while not especially accurate, is more appealing to college students, politicians, and anarchist.
Algore told reporters that he still has plenty of the carbon credits, and will have a Christmas sale. This will allow the public to purchase their credits in time for the spring months ,,oops I mean the return of "Global warming". Ho Ho Ho,,Merry Christmas!!!
Tags: Satire
New Fart Amendment added to Cap and Trade Bill
Washington D.C.: Today it was announce by Harry Reid that a new Amendment has been tacked on to the Cap and Trade Bill. The new amendment would restrict public farting by making farting illegal in public places or in groups of four or more people. Reid said, "As we already know from Algore and others famous people and celebrities, Cows and other domestic animal farts cause Global,,opps,,, I mean cause Climate Change, and it only makes sense for all Americans to do their part to save the environment. As a society we are the most abundant farters on the planet, because of our rich American diet" Of course in reality farting will occur from time to time so the Government in it's wisdom has devised a plan to enable people to purchase "Fart Credits" for a minor fee. There will be a scale of fart severity and corresponding pricing of credits. Monitors will be placed in all public locations to record any farting activity. Without the Fart Credit a person could be fined up to 1,000 dollars per fart depending on the emissions released.. Fart patrols will be organized from the Obomo Teen Service Volunteers. Cost of the credits will be one dollar each. Proposed Fart scale is listed below: Small quite poot .....................................1 credit Normal after meal fart..............................5 credits Multiple machine gun farts........................10 credits Silent Killers..........................................50 credits Underware flappin' ultra blast...................100 credits The Bill is expected to be voted on in the next few weeks by the Democratic controlled Congress while they still have the majority. And if anyone knows gaseous emissions, it's the Democrits, er Democrats!!
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Satire
Things I Learned Growing Up In Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
'Twiced' is a word.
People actually grow and eat okra
'Fixinto' is one word.
There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!
Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas
.
You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup..
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World.'
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?'
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Texas (and those who just wish they were).
EVERYONE can't be from Texas . You might say it's a gift from God!
And the most important thing we learn growing up in TEXAS is...
IN GOD WE TRUST
Tags: Life
Dear Heavenly Father,
We come to You in the name of Your precious son Jesus. We enter Your gates with thanksgiving and we enter Your courts with Praise! We exalt Your Holy name on the earth!
Father, Your word says in 2 Chronicles 7:14, "if my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." Father, Your word also says in James 2:13 that "mercy triumphs over judgment," therefore, we humble ourselves and lift up the United States to You for mercy.
On behalf of ourselves, our leaders, and our nation, we repent for idolatry, violence,murder,same sex relationships, corruption, covetousness, addiction, gluttony, sexual immorality, envy, strife, division, rebellion, defiance, witchcraft, selfishness, lying, cheating, stealing, gossip, poor stewardship, lack of honor, not helping the poor, for robbing our widows and orphans, for any sin we have committed not mentioned here, for putting anything before You, or exalting anything above the knowledge of our God! We ask for forgiveness for all of these in Jesus' precious Name and receive forgiveness according to 1 John 1:9
We seek Your face Father and turn from our wicked ways and pray that You will heal our land. We pray Father that You will safely return America back to You, that You again make America "one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all" because Your word tells us these things please You!
Father, we pray that Your word will again be heard in our schools and government. We pray that our currency will keep Your name. We pray that the leaders You want will be hired, appointed, and elected! We pray that the United States will fully please the Lord, being fruitful in every good work, using its resources to preach the gospel and to help those around the world in need including Your beloved nation of Israel!
Father, we pray that You sweep our nation with a powerful move of Your Spirit. We pray that You move up the next generation of Paul's, Peter's, Stephen's, Abraham's, Moses', and Elijah's! We pray that You soften the hearts of our leaders and citizens, that people in their own hearts will hunger for You and Your righteousness!
Father, we pray You send Your Holy Spirit to make a way where the enemy has brought spiritual blindness and hindrance. We pray that You come with a powerful breakthrough for Your namesake. We ask You Lord to "stop the devil's plan to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10)." We give America back to You, the Lord our God, so that Your will, will be done here as it is in heaven!
We ask this of you in Jesus' Christ our Savior's Name. Amen
Now to You, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.
Amen!
Bubba Bob's Body Bowling
Mr. Bubba "Barrel" Bob Buckley of Birmingham was in a near fatal accident yesterday trying to jog off a few pounds of fat according to Birmingham Police and was arrested for his part in an incident in which several people were injured.
Mr. Buckley, who is very corpulent (411 pounds), was given a jogging suit by his wife Bertha Mae, in the hope that he would take up exercising to lose weight.
Wanting to please her, Barrel attempted to go outside for a jog but found he was too obese to fit through the front door.
He and his wife then removed the French door to the patio.
"He even had trouble getting through that," Mrs. Buckley said, "until I convinced him to leave the sack of Snickers at home."
Police reports are sketchy on what happened next, but apparently Barrel started running down the hill that leads out of Birmingham, tripped, and began rolling.
He gained momentum as he careened downward, partially crushing several small cars, and knocking one person coming out of the Better Bangs Beauty Salon, Betty Bartlett, back into the shop.
At the bottom of the hill, Bubba was credited with sideswiping a truck full of pork fat headed for the Big Boy Buffet, Bowling Alley, and Bait Shop, and over at least eight out of a group of ten Mormons with backpacks.
Police were then called to the Honest Harry's Hungarian Hangout & Hobby Hut parking lot where Barrel was arrested for "reckless rolling" and "traveling 45 in a 25 mile zone."
Also arrested at the scene were several unruly teenager bowlers who witnessed the Mormons being knocked down. They reportedly attempted to liberate Bubba Bob from police custody and roll him back up the hill past the eight fallen Mormon missionaries so that he could "go for the spare."
Tags: Just for fun
Only in Texas
A history/geography lesson for all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or wanna-be Texans. Some names of cities with their zip code, plus more Just Texas
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Love the sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423
Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
Pearland , Texas 77581
Orange , Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Cleveland , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448 Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
Pasadena , Texas 77506
Columbus , Texas 78934
Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613 Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801
No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791
We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031
We have a city named after our state:
Texas City, Texas 77590
Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452 Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas 79567
Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas 76878
Goliad , Texas 77963
Alamo , Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City , Texas 75156
Robert Lee , Texas 76945
Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670
Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084
Mars , Texas 79062
You guessed it. It's on the state line.
Texline , Texas 79087
For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
Other city names in Texas , to make you smile......
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
And our favorites...
Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrell City , Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas West, Texas (it’s in Central Texas ) and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas 79347
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you may live in Texas ;
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you may live in Texas ;
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may
live in Texas ;
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live
in Texas ;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you may live in Texas ;
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Texas
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and
everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas
friends, you definitely live in Texas ..
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .
1... Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2... Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3... El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4… World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883.
5… The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America
built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008! 6… The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first
full-time coach at Rice University in Houston . 7... Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North
America 8... Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only
remaining flock of whooping cranes. 9… Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. 10… The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a
hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island . 11… The first word spoken from the moon, July 20,1969, was " Houston ," but
the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time. 12... King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island .. 13... Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' in 24
hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979... 14... Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the
Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union )
instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same
height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states. 15... A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old. 16… Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. 17... Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr
Pepper.. 18… Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia
and Austin .. 19... The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is
taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). 20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the
world and it is taller than the Washington monument. 21. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning
friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas . 22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about
the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which
splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.). 23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Y'all git all that?
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth.
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