Tags: Politics

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Some Blonde Jokes for You

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Tags: blonde, jokes

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Virgin Alert

The Nation of Extremism launched an appeal for virgins today after it was revealed that numbers of available virgins for dead heros had reached dangerously low levels.

"Under Islamic law," explained Mohammad Mahakmahadahha, head of Islamic Virgin Studies at Iranistan University, "a man who sacrifices himself in the name of Islam is entitled to the services of seven virgins upon his arrival in paradise. And with the  war with the American Military, we've had word from paradise that they are running dangerously low on virgins."

Mr Mahakmahadahha's search is hampered by the lack of maturing women in Islamic countries. Even Asian women who manage to keep a hand on their virginity  have to survive great hardships of drought,  famine, and being stoned to death for whistling on a Tuesday.

"It is a problem," said Mr Mahakmahadahha. "One solution might be if we can persuade our great heroes in paradise to cut down on their quota of virgins, to not take their full allocation. Perhaps we can make it up to them by allowing them to have a few non- virgins who are low milage.."

If you have, or know of any  virgin and would like to help, the appeal address is:

The Big Cave
Behind the Rubble
Down the Trail
Thru the Pass
Afghanistan.

"Please, please, give generously," said Mr Mahakmahadahha. "Even if you're unsure of your virgin's status, send her anyway. We promise to return her in a shoebox if she's not a virgin, and you might just be helping a hero in paradise."

Other news: The new Afghan G'ment representatives have promised to improve the lot of women in their society. They are debating now to allow women to drive goat carts..if they have a valid license, permission from their husband, and a man relative is present.  Hopefully, that will expand to donkey carts in the near future...

--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

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"The Relic"

 World's Oldest Web Page Discovered

Philadelphia PA-- Excited scholars at the University of Penn uncovered what may be the oldest web page ever written. The web page was on a tiny computer, located in an abandoned book storage in Fish Hall. The dusty computer with flashing green cathodes was still functioning. Scholars indicated it may be as ancient as 1978, an entire decade earlier than any previous relic.

Web historian Felix Wonderhoven said the find is even more fantastic. The web page appears to be using the ancient computer language FORTRAN. The legendary computer language is said to even pre-date Macrosoft.

"Anything before the existence of Macrosoft is controversial, even heretical." said Dr. Wonderhoven. "We only have legends about FORTRAN, this extraordinary find will unlock many mysteries."

Dr. Wonderhoven said computer historians really can't answer where computers came from. . "There are some wild legends about a giant computer named UNIVAC that was created  right here in Philadelphia in the 1950's. It's said to be the father of all computers. The whole idea is absurd!" he laughed. "People that lived during that time period were still using No. 2 pencils and Big Chief writing tablets."

"Common sense tells us computers have always existed in some form. How else could anything have ever gotten done?." he asked.  "Does anyone believe that people once actually thought for themselves?"

The find should help scholars understand life in the pen and paper era.  "The web page eludes to some mysterious unknown entity named "Pong", Probably an ancient God." the brilliant scholar concluded. 

--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Computers

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Tags: Christmas, Santa

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Christmas Emergency

Washington;  Everyone always said that it was only a matter of time before the United States ran out of electricity. And that time is now upon us. Washington was notified of the emergency just days ago and has been rushing around, forming committees, ever since.

"We're trying to put together committees and sub-committees and super-committees as efficiently as possible. Then we'll talk about this extremely urgent situation for a while, then negotiate some bi-partisan compromise plans, then write a Bill to vote on, and reject. This shouldn't take more than six or eight months, but heck, we might even read this one."  said Felix Wonderhoven, Chairman of the New Committee Dealing with the Real Energy Crisis.

Wonderhoven went on to explain that even though the government has been talking about The Energy Crisis for 30 years, this time they really mean it,,, again.  He said that the nation has suddenly found itself on the verge of running out of power - due in a large part to the holiday season.

"More and more people are decorating their homes with more and more flashing lights and dancing Santas with their prancing reindeer, and it just turned out to be a little too much this year," he explained.

He also said that Christmas light manufacturers have made the situation worse by making it much too easy to put up lots and lots of lights. "Now we've got nets made of lights for covering shrubs - and those stupid-looking icicle lights - and any lazy guy on the block can light up his whole yard with little or no effort. Then he keeps the lights up year-round."

Wonderhoven refused to comment on the rumors that the  President is considering canceling Christmas from now on.

Borin Dufus, Chairman of the Subcommittee to Discuss What We're Going to do Now, also commented on the situation. "We've been informed that, thanks to  kids with their battery-powered rocket ships and their parents who light up their houses like Las Vegas, we're pretty much going to run out of power sometime in the next couple of months - and that's only if we can convince the Casinos, Sports Stadiums, and Malls  to switch to candlelight until we figure out a backup plan."

He recommended that Americans should limit the use of electricity to when it's "absolutely necessary - like to watch the Thursday night lineup on NBC. But only the new episodes. Not the reruns."

Dufus said that the Subcommittee for Alternate Power is experimenting with various new methods for generating power - since the government refuses to allow expansion of existing proven power sources.  But he also admitted that the solution may be too far in the distance.

"Basically," he concluded, "the future of America looks dim."  

"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Christmas, Washington,

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COLLEGE STATION, Texas.-- Scientists at Texas A&M  University announced today a discovery that may explain why so many Thanksgiving dinners go downhill so fast and end so unpleasantly.

The research team's biologists and chemists determined that yams (Dioscorea species) -- which are often very mistakenly called sweetpotatoes (Ipomoea batatas) -- contain a precursor to truth serum (sodium pentothal). This chemical (sodium quattrothal) reacts with agents in the toasted marshmallows, a sweet confection of a spongy consistency traditionally used as a topping on holiday yam sidedish preparations. In the heat of an oven, the chemicals in each combine to form the complete truth serum molecule.

When consumed in sufficient quantities, a generous second helping is usually enough, the sodium pentothal takes effect. The honest comments then follow. These moments of candidness,  lead directly to the sticky messes that followed.

"Every dinner we observed ended when some relative stormed out of the house, after another would be candid about their feelings for the first.  This happened consistently when candid yams were served but never, during any of the almost 100 family holiday dinners observed, when sweetpotato casserole was served instead.

A social environmental impact study of cost of candied yam sidedishes (as compared to a baseline of sweetpotato casserole) showed that candid yams have social costs of $6.6 billion per year in the U.S. alone.

The bigger costs, heretofore unmeasured, related to domestic violence (including number of police calls, days in jail and prison, and criminal court costs).  The team's legal expert Felix Wonderhoven said the obvious libel and divorce suits were a factor in the candid-yam families.

Earlier family studies research had attributed holiday discord to excess consumption of alcoholic beverages, however, these ethyl-based theories were never fully accepted as they failed to account for the holiday blowups among AA members and conservative Baptists.  Candied yams, the A&M team pointed out, do.

The team ask all Thanksgiving cooks  to be aware of this study and adjust their meals accordingly..  

This has been public service anouncement of LW News...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!!

Tags: Thanksgiving, food

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Dear Heavenly Father, 
 
We come to You in the name of Your precious son Jesus.  We enter Your gates with thanksgiving and we enter Your courts with Praise!  We exalt Your Holy name on the earth! 
 
Father, Your word says in 2 Chronicles 7:14, "if my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."  Father, Your word also says in James 2:13 that "mercy triumphs over judgment," therefore, we humble ourselves and lift up the United States to You for mercy. 
 
On behalf of ourselves, our leaders, and our nation, we repent for idolatry, violence,murder,same sex relationships, corruption, covetousness, addiction, gluttony, sexual immorality, envy, strife, division, rebellion, defiance, witchcraft, selfishness, lying, cheating, stealing, gossip, poor stewardship, lack of honor, not helping the poor, for robbing our widows and orphans, for any sin we have committed not mentioned here, for putting anything before You, or exalting anything above the knowledge of our God! We ask for forgiveness for all of these in Jesus' precious Name and receive forgiveness according to 1 John 1:9 

We seek Your face Father and turn from our wicked ways and pray that You will heal our land.  We pray Father that You will safely return America back to You, that You again make America "one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all" because Your word tells us these things please You!  
 
Father, we pray that Your word will again be heard in our schools and government.  We pray that our currency will keep Your name.  We pray that the leaders You want will be hired, appointed, and elected! We pray that the United States will fully please the Lord, being fruitful in every good work, using its resources to preach the gospel and to help those around the world in need including Your beloved nation of Israel!  
 
Father, we pray that You sweep our nation with a powerful move of Your Spirit.  We pray that You move up the next generation of Paul's, Peter's, Stephen's, Abraham's, Moses', and Elijah's!  We pray that You soften the hearts of our leaders and citizens, that people in their own hearts will hunger for You and Your righteousness! 
Father, we pray You send Your Holy Spirit to make a way where the enemy has brought spiritual blindness and hindrance.  We pray that You come with a powerful breakthrough for Your namesake. We ask You Lord to "stop the devil's plan to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10)." We give America back to You, the Lord our God, so that Your will, will be done here as it is in heaven!
We ask this of you in Jesus' Christ our Savior's Name. Amen 

Now to You, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Glory, who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. 
 
Amen!

Tags: prayer, religion, God, America, Bible

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           Bubba

 
     His name was Bubba Bob Butts, he was from East Texas ..... and he needed a  loan, so....... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
    
    
     The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the   Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
    
     Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished  Alumni from Rice University, a highly sophisticated  investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you   bother to borrow $5,000?"
    
     The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
    
    
His name was BUBBA....
    
Keep an eye on those southern boys

 
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Redneck, South, Bankers, New York, Bubba

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