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BO Solves National Debt Crisis
Washington D.C.: The President revealed today his reason for signing the new Credit Card Bill into law, the new "National Debt Payment Plan " or (N.D.P.P.).
The national debt has been reported to be only $14.2 Trillion as of today. That's only a couple trillion more than all others countries combined. So what does this mean? It means that, according to the estimated population here in America (296,430,852), each citizen owes $47,403.15. The credit card is the perfect way to bill the American people for what they now owe.
President Obomo said today that citizens would be allowed to use all major credit cards to pay their new debt. He has just signed the Bill to rework the credit card industry just to be sure "all" Americans can pay without being overburdened with credit card interest. The new interest rate max. is set at 38.5%. The new N.D.P.P. charges will show up on next months credit card statements. For the few American that have no card, a new one will will issued.
This is the first major step President BO has taken to lower the "deficit" since being "elected" into office. So why expect the American people to pay for "such" a debt? "Because it's the people's fault," said BO at a press conference at Camp David, "Who else? Money don't grow on trees as we once thought."
BO went on to say that 10% of all the proceeds from the N.D.P.P. or the National Debt Payment Plan, will be going to other countries, to help pay for their debt. Struggling countries like France, Uzbekistanian, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and of course, Venesuala and Cuba, have gladly accepted the proposed donations.
But a couple of Republicans are outraged about such a plan. "It's not the people's fault that the country is in debt. It its the Liberals in Congress and BO's fault. The National Debt Payment Plan (N.D.P.P.) will not work. Some people might not even have $47,403.15 to their name. What about those people?"
"Simply put," quipped BO's teleprompter, "if an American doesn't have $47,403.15 to pay for their outstanding debts, they will have a minimum payment on their credit card, just like they are use to paying now."
It looks like everything is going to be fine now that our new President has solved another national crisis.
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
FART AWARENESS WEEK
It's that time again. Fart Awareness Week is here. Please read the following statement for more information.
A note to the public in general, next week is Fart Awareness Week. There will be classes taught on discerning the different types and kinds of farts. Please check your local newspaper to see where the classes will be taught in your area. The classes will last for one week only, but by week's end, you'll be able to tell everything from a flat blank low-smelling poot, to a silent killer, to an no-holds-barred gut-retching, underwear flapping ultrablast!
Fart Awareness Week was started in 1968, the year Richard Nixon took the office of President of the United States and people soon began to notice the little upper lip raising gesture as Nixon spoke and were aware that something was wrong.
After finally tracing it down, it was revealed that while Nixon was too tight to fart, Spiro Agnew was loosening silent killers before leaving a room.
After a solid year of some fart-searching through all the general bad smell in Washington, Agnew finally accidentally let one go at an office party where just a few Nixon friends were gathered and several nearly passed out. Henry Kissinger was rushed to Walter Reed Hospital and remained on oxygen for a solid week.
Agnew retired in disgrace, making up a lame story about taxes.
The very next day friends talked Nixon to declare a National Fart Awareness Week and it was so.
Since then, over 50 countries have participated.
Learn before your eyes glaze over on an elevator. Don't be caught unaware by a silent killer. Remember, every class features CPR training and teaches you how to hold your breath until you can reach over and push the elevator button for the very next door where you can escape.
Now more than ever Fart Awareness is needed because of all the Elite Politicians in Government now that claim their sh*t don't stink. Through these classes you can determine for yourself who is harming the ozone and causing global warming. Remember,,, Only You can save the Atmosphere!!.
Tags: just a funny
The Lady Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling,
he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed
Them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)
Tags: funny story,
End of year statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Uncovered 0
Bombs Found 0
Explosives Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 1,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Feminine Products 28,532
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
-- "Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load
the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
Oboma Speechless
TPI..May 17, 2010 The United States of America looks like it is going to be put under full F.E.M.A controlled marshal law, with full Red Alert status after a high priority national 'threat' occurred today.
Mr. Oboma's teleprompter, (affectionately know as Telly) has come down with a permanent case of amnesia this morning after falling and bumping his head on a copy of the phased out U.S constitution.
Mr. Oboma, having heard about this accident today, started waving his hands about furiously making 'charades' type gestures to his staff, trying to get them, to get him an immediate replacement 'prompter',
An avid player of the game of 'charades', this reporter can now report that Mr. Oboma's hand signals on national television earlier today, suggest he was anxious to say something, anything at all, but couldn't without 'Telly' to put some words into 'his' mouth.
Back at the Whitehouse, Mr. Oboma used the horned hand devil signal, frantically waved his right arm around in a circle for an hour and a half in an attempt to attract the attention of aids today, to call Harry Reed in to the Oval office.
A global search for a new 'Telly' had begun after lunch, in a bid to find one with the knowledge to run the government and ruin the American economy as well as the brain damaged one has.
If anyone knows the where abouts of a used 'Telly', please contact the White House ASAP. The fate of the world is at stake!!
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
Obama's Pawnorama's
TPI News - Responding to constituents' cries for cash to get through the week, President O. pledged relief by announcing a new chain of Government pawn shops, named Obama's Pawnorama will open in major cities across the US. Financially funded by an emergency HUD grant, the Pawn Shops will be refurbished abandoned former Wal Mart stores that were unwisely opened when people actually had money to spend. The state of the art Pawn Shops will have facades to duplicate The White House down to the finest architectural detail and include the inscription "Get Your Change Here" . A financial spokesman said they expect to open many more Obama's Pawnorama's in old Home Depot stores shortly, as more taxpayers lose their "Homes", and the concept of home ownership became an alien concept. Due to the continued financial crisis in the US, pawn shops in the country have been deluged with family heirlooms, stolen goods and personal mementoes, just so people can buy food, beer and lottery tickets. This assures a financial success for the new venture. Billed as "family friendly", the new stores feature 24 hour DJ's, live Rap Performances, and Rum Punch. Like Wal Mart, RV customers out of gas are invited to camp in their parking lot overnight, and up to 6 months, rent free. Full size posters of a smiling Barack Obama offering cash are featured at every register in the stores under the headline.....' YOUR CHANGE IS HERE!!! '
Another great plan from our leader!!! --
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
The New Stimulus Plan Unveiled
TPI: The Obama Administration announced the outline of their newest stimulus plan today. The plan, which involves distributing $400 billion to random Americans by throwing one dollar bills out of the cockpits of biplanes, is expected to begin some time next spring.
The plan, which has not yet been finalized, would require 27 single engine, open cockpit biplanes which would fly over the 27 largest cities in America using predetermined flight paths, and throwing cash out in steady streams. The bill goes to a vote next week, and little action is expected to be taken.
There is a rumor of a protest developing from small town and rural Americans. Their claim of favoritism of big cities because of large Acorn voters registration was quickly dismissed by Obama as Republican based racism..
Some critics accuse the plan of doing little more than throwing good money after bad, but supporters are quick to focus on the relatively low cost of the delivery system. "This is the best plan we have come up with so far." said Speaker of the house Pelosi. Harry Reid also praised the plan as good for the Country.
Obama did say that further stimulus was planned for rural America as soon as they can find enough quarters to load on fast moving freight trains that cross the midsection of the Country, in a similar delivery plan.
Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon..
Tags: Politics
How can you live without knowing these things?
1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.
5. Coca-Cola was originally green.
6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Trivia
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. ( this carried over until the 1930's.....I remember all those baths)
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors That would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold..
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme,
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if
they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell. Or was considered a ..dead ringer..
And that's the truth...Now , whoever said History was boring !
Tags: Just for fun
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