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GM Unveils New Concept Vehicle for 2012
Detroit, MI-- Government Motor Company unveiled plans for its highly anticipated 2012 model " Loadedwagon LX," a vehicle that may very well revolutionize the automotive industry.
"It's really a very simply design," states GM CEO Felix Wonderhoven. "I don't know why no one's thought of this before."
Unfortunately for consumers, GM isn't allowing photographs of the concept vehicle at this time, so as not to give his competition the heads up. However, Mr. Wonderhoven went into great detail describing the new vehicle.
"Well," explained Felix, "currently there are plans to offer two basic models, the single horsepower "Buggy" and the double horsepower "Buckboard" . But don't worry, we have not ruled out the development of six, or even eight horsepower vehicles "Stagecoach" to accommodate soccer moms, and carpooling."
The revolutionary vehicle incorporates a light open air body, with large spoked wheels with a stand-alone engine. The engines come in a variety of colors, from light brown to dark brown, with the occasional black, white or grey.
Unlike traditional vehicle engines, GM's new engine will be very environmentally friendly. Not only is the exhaust completely recyclable, but instead of traditional, non-renewable fuels like oil and gasoline, it uses completely organic, renewable fuels such as common grass and oats.
Each engine has a projected life span of 15-25 years, with proper maintenance, including yearly trips to a certified GM mechanic specializing in the new engine.
The vehicle will be test-released in a small area of Pennsylvania late this year and is expected to hit the market early next year.
-- "Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Satire
A Slow Day In East Texas
It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Pineville.
It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town. He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms. He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
The Two Cow Explanation
Two Cows in Government
A REPUBLICAN: You work hard and earn two cows. Your neighbor has none. You help your neighbor to earn his own cows.
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk, then blames others for you troubles.
(You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.)
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
Two Cows in the Marketplace.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have to sell both to pay for taxes, complying with government regulations, and union cost. The Government bails you out, takes over the Corp., and fires your management for poor performance.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A VENESZUALAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American Corporation is nationalized by your Dictator.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Politics
Democratic Deficit Disorder
A spokesperson from the World Psychological Association announced yesterday that a new mental disorder will be added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is the guidebook clinicians use in assigning mental illness diagnoses.
Identified as Democratic Deficit Disorder, or DDD, the condition is characterized by a pervasive lack of motivation and a sense of entitlement. WPA president Felix Wonderhoven, Ph.D., said that the disorder is a tremendous problem in America today, especially in the Washington D.C. area, and in most urban inner city areas. The outward sign of this disorder can be, walking around with the hand outstretched, waiting on others to bail you out, blaming things in the past for ones present problems, and spending others money like it was on fire , "They used to call it plain old laziness", said Dr. Wonderhoven, "but it is a real disease and it needs to be treated."
There is no known cure for DDD at this time says Wonderhoven, but new treatments are being tested daily. The most promising is a cold turkey approach of getting a real job and living on a budget. This is a new and traumatic experience for most DDD patients, and the shock of working for a living can be fatal. "We are working on other possible treatments," Wonderhoven stated, "but for right now there seems little hope for the long time DDD sufferers"
A World DDD Concert and Tour is planned to raise funds for future research and development of a DDD vaccine. You can contribute directly if you wish,, just send me all your extra change.
Thanks for your support.
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
B. H. O.'s Energy Plan
The Administration of B.H. Obomo has released a series of five new energy proposals designed to help the United States change from a carbon based energy economy to it's vision of Green energy. The proposals, while modest, do show the American people how much the President cares about his subjects and the environment.
B.O., speaking at one of his " Let's Gut the Economy!" rallies addressed the crowd of hand picked Liberal hacks and laid out his new "Five Easy Steps to Saving The Earth" energy plan.
To the applause of the wildly cheering crowd who had no idea what he was talking about but were prepared to support anything a fellow Liberal had to say, B.O. listed the Five Easy Steps in his speech:
" First, we will move the total population of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, and Kansas to Iowa and completely cover that area with 'state of the art' wind turbines, These will generate enough electricity to serve a city the size of Omaha, when the wind is blowing, if anyone still lived there.
Second, we will cover the states of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and Nevada with Solar Panels and move that population to Idaho. This will provide power enough for a city the size of Amarillo, when the sun is shining, if anyone was still living there.
Third, Coats and sweaters in the winter. Many Americans foolishly turn the heat up in their homes the minute the temperature drops below freezing when the problem could just as easily be solved by putting on three or four sweaters and several pairs of socks. A simple rule of thumb is that if you can't see your breath is you're not close to death.
Fourth, Shorts and Tee shirts in the summer. Many Americans also foolishly turn on the A.C. in the summer months when the temperature rises above 100, when they could just as easily take off some cloths and open the windows. Sweating is good for the skin and cleanses the pores.
Fifth, Eat a lot of cold food. Cooking your meals, especially meats like beef, pork and chicken can really use a lot of gas or electricity. We in the Administration have always thought the threat of salmonella and trichinosis were always over rated. Think about it, how many of your friends and neighbors have actually died from eating bad food? Besides, what's a couple of days of vomiting and diarrhea when you're reducing you carbon footprint and making the planet livable again.
The cost of this simple five step plan is estimated to be somewhere in the umteen quadzillion dollar range, but who cares, as long as we get our way."
The program is scheduled to begin on Earth Day, a national holiday for the worship of Mother Earth.
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: funny story
 The Plop
There was once a Canadian bird who decided he didn’t want to fly south for the winter. He decided it was nonsense to go all the way down south when he could just stay right where he was at. So he stayed behind.
Well after awhile, it got kind of cold. Finally, he could take it no more and decided to fly south after all. As he was flying through the air, ice began to form on his wings to the point where he could no longer fly so he glided down and landed in a barnyard.
So here is the bird, he’s half frozen in a barnyard and at the point of death. About that time along comes a cow who walks right over the bird and drops a "plop" on him. Now the bird is really disgusted. He’s half frozen, dying, and now he has this "plop" on him. After a short time though, the ice begins to melt off of the bird. He starts to get warm under that "plop." He begins to think to himself, "It’s getting warm. I’m going to live! I’m going to live!" Then right there underneath that "plop" he starts to sing little bird songs> He’s now happy once again.
About that time a cat comes along and hears this noise coming from underneath this "plop." He moves the stuff off the bird and eats the bird.
There are three morals to the story:
1. Not everyone who drops a "plop" on you is necessarily your enemy
2. Not everyone who moves it off of you is necessarily your friend
3. And if someone does drop a "plop" on you, keep your mouth shut.
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Wisdom
Bill Clinton Named Blame Czar
TPI: President Obomo announced today that he has appointed former President Bill Clinton to be the nation's first "Blame Czar". According to the White House, the primary function of the new position will be to blame others for the Administration's failures over the next two years.
"For the good of our country," said Obomo in his brief remarks, "blame cannot be concentrated on the Administration. By it's very nature, the Presidency is beyond blame, hence blame must be doled out to others. Mr. Clinton is no stranger to vociferous accusations of wrongdoing, and he is not afraid to heap blame on everyone and anyone. These are the qualities we were looking for in a Blame Czar."
In accepting the position, Clinton said he would work tirelessly to implicate others in the mistakes of this administration. Clinton added, "Barry is obviously an emotionally and mentally immature individual, yet time and time again, advisors are allowing him to make the final decision on matters of national importance. It will be my job to spread the blame for these mistakes to anyone outside the Executive Branch."
"I know I won't be a popular figure in my new role," said Clinton, "but I haven't been popular, or even liked since Lewinsky, so whoopdeedoo, I look forward to blaming Bush, Limbaugh, other Republican leaders , big business, the military, and even ordinary citizens like Tea Partiers for everything, it's what I do best."
Clinton has ask another former President, Jimmy Carter to be his second in command and chief blamer for foreign affairs. Carter happily accepted and imediately blamed Bush for the uprising in Egypt.....
--
"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
Barry Has a Twin !
In Washington yesterday, President Barry H. Oboma was reunited with his long, lost twin brother, Harry B. Oboma. For years it had been a secret in the Oboma family that Barry had a twin.
"When they were born, we thought they were so cute, the pair of them, but we just couldn't keep them both, the cost of goats milk was just too much in Kenya..." sobbed Barry's Aunt Flossie Oboma. Harry had been trying for years to reunite himself with his family, but his efforts were always stopped because he couldn't afford to travel from his humble hut in Kenya to America.
"We were just not ready for B.O. to know... With the Presidency and all, we told him that it just wasn't time..." Flossie told this reporter.
Harry didn't give up, though. He continued to talk to the Obomafamily, begging them for cash to make the trip. They finally agreed to let him come to America.
"We wanted to talk to Barry first. We wanted to explain everything to him..." Flosssie said, after dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.
"I always knew I was adopted. My family was honest about them, they knew the Oboma family..." Harry said before the touching reunion.
"I had some doubts, but when I saw Harry enter my office, it was like looking in a mirror!" B.O. said.
"A lesson was learned here today!" Said Flossie. "It don't matter where you are from, blood is thicker than borders....
As for Barry and Harry, they have many years to make up in a short time. They will be spending their free time getting acquainted.
"I even have some ideas to help you out!" Harry told Barry jokingly. It is rumored that H.O. will become the new Czar of foreign relations...
When asked about being born overseas, all B.O. would comment was, "Hawaii is where I was born, if Harry was born in Kenya that's his business."
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
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