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The New Obom-no-care Bill
UP-Washington. Hot off the presses is the new compromised Health Care Bill. Thru the efforts of Democrats in Congress, America has a new improved Medical Bill. The Bill was passed last night. with the support of Blue Dogs and Rinos.. Some of the main features of the new Obom-no-care Plan are listed below for quick reference in case you feel sicky. Number one, No one over 55 is included in the Bill, mainly because they won't vote for Obama next time, and are going to die soon anyway. Go to Canada or Mexico if you get sick.. Number two. No one that smokes, drinks, or that is overweight will be covered. These people are high risk people that the Gov. can't afford to insure. Go to Canada or Mexico for your medical needs.. Number three. No one with a cronic illness will be covered. The gov. can't afford to insure them either. If you can't afford American medicine, go to Canada or Mexico for your long term care.. Number four. If you are going to be sick you have to fill out a twelve page form and contact the HHS office in Washington at least three weeks ahead of time so they can find you a Dr. that still practices in your region and will accept an IOU from the Gov. If you are in a hurry, go to Canada or Mexico. Number five. Anyone caught going to Canada or Mexico for medical purposes will be arrested, fined and their insurance will be cancelled. More details will be posted as the new improved 12,000 page Bill is implemented. No one has read it yet either.......
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
*note...With the return of Amercan Idol to the airways this is very important information for those that watch the show..*
American Idol's Randy Jackson Writes New Book
Randy Jackson has written a new book. "Well, dawg, it's more like a Randy to English dictionary for those peeps that aren't diggin' on my lingo, peace." He announced to a group at a book-signing somewhere.
The book is entitled, "Dawg, Dude, DAAAAAAAAAWG, Duuuuuuuuuuuude," and includes a special pronunciation section.
"Yeah, when you say "dude", it's like I wasn't feelin' dat. It's not good. When I say "duuuuuude", I am flyin', man and it's all good. Yah feel me." Randy said.
Here are some Randy-isms and their English translations:
•aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight: That was okay for me. It could have been better. Just all-right.
•You did your thing, man: Young sir or lady, you sang really well. I really enjoyed your performance. Thank you.
•It's aiiiight for me, dawg: Well, I think you did fairly well. You could have done better and you know it, right?
•Dawg, Duuuuuuuuuude, Daaaaaaaaaawg, No: You stunk up the place. If I had the turn of phrase of Simon Cowell, you'd be crying now.
•Dawg (with a head shake), I just didn't get it: What the hell were you doing up there? Why did we put you through to this part of the competition? You need to go home now!
The book retails for $24.99 and is currently available in hardcover and as a book on tape.
Randy's reps are hoping it will do better than his last book, "What's up Dawg? How to make it in the music business " or something like that.
"I recommend the audio version of this book. It's slammin', dawg, aiiight," A youngster who admitted that he was working hard to learn Randy-isms because he wants to be on the next American Idol said today.
It's available on the internet and at various bookstores near you. Ask for it by name and the booksellers will laugh at you.
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"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Funny
B.H.O. Stops Global Warming
President B. H. Obomo unveiled plans this afternoon to destroy all the greenhouses in the US and other parts or the world in order to stop global warming.
"It has been drawn to my attention by my Environmental Czar Felix Wonderhoven", BO said at an afternoon press conference, "that greenhouse gases are causing temperatures to rise and are interfering with global climate conditions. Therefore, I wish to join the other countries of the world in destroying greenhouses and the gases they produce."
Obomo has ask Congress to rush through a Bill in this great crisis to destroy all greenhouses, garden centers, and florist shops in America within the next couple of days, and to implement a new gas emissions tax for people with gardens. "This will also create much needed jobs throughout the nation and in the process save the earth." added BO.
Wonderhoven also stated that the Amazonian Rain forests were likened to a "giant greenhouse" and he encouraged Obomo and other world leaders to destroy them too along with the Congo and Callaway Gardens, to save the planet.
Many scientists seem to think Wonderhoven is mistaken on his views of global warming. They claim that the problem is actually not global warming but only misinformation and scare tactics from charlatans such as Algore for personal gain or political agendas. However, none of those scientists were allowed to speak with the President.
Be ready America,, your back yard could be next!!
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
OLD DOGS
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>
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> One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>
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> The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
>
>
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> Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
> chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
> is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
>
>
>
> "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around
> here?"
>
>
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> Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
>
>
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> "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
> had me!"
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>
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> Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
>
>
>
> The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
> a deal for himself with the panther..
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>
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> The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
> squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> canine!"
>
>
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> Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
> his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
> the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
> Shepherd says...
>
>
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> "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
> panther!"
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>
> Moral of this story...
>
>
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> Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and
> treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Thanks Brenda C.
Tags: Wisdom
BO Solves The Immigration Problem
After the controversy of the new Arizona law, and looking at all the options on the fight against illegal immigration, President B.H. Obama is trying a completely new idea to alleviate the problem. In a speech given yesterday, he announced a new idea that his teleprompter came up with.
"In the last few years we have had a lot of troubles with illegal immigrants ..sneaking into our country from the south, ummm, may I say, Mexican immigrants. I must admit, we had quite a harsh attitude towards those poor people, simply looking for a better chance in life. Now I have realized, that these immigrants would stay home, 'if' we provided everything for them there. So I have decided to propose to our friends from the south, a generous offer,,, We want you to join us as the 58th State of the Union. The State of Old Mexico"
When asked why he had decided to make such an unexpected decision, given the current attitude towards illegal immigration, BO revealed: "You know, I always loved Mexicans. I loved their food, their culture, their funny hats, but most of all, I love the fact we would have millions of new illiterate voters who would love me."
The impact on the US is expected to be quite significant. Barry concluded, "Oh. we'd probably have to change our national language to Spanish, and add millions to the welfare rolls.. But that's no problem, compared to the advantages I,,,er we'd gain."
The President is rumored to have gone into seclusion this week to learn how to lie in Spanish as well as he does in English.
Habla Espanol??
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
America to Recycle Toilet Paper and Save the World
TPI: The Obama Administration announced today that after extensive testing they were now going to endorse the recycling of toilet paper. President B.H. Obama made the announcement.
"For too long we have all been using toilet paper and throwing it away. Not only is this wasteful, it borders on the criminal. Toilet paper, and other waste paper of this sort, has been fouling our sewers, septic tanks and cesspools for far too long."
The teleprompter continued, "Toilet paper has two sides, and we at the Administration of all that is green encourage everyone to see both sides of the issue, that is, use both sides of the tissue. Use it, turn it over and use it again!
Does it matter whether you let it dry out before using it again? Of course not! The goal is to double the life of toilet paper - or looked at another way, cut the use of toilet paper in half! Each case of toilet paper requires that a beautiful tree die. Imagine, the average person can save seven trees a year, just by reusing, recycling.
If you multiply those seven trees by the population of the United States you save over two billion trees a year! Enough to cover Oregon in trees every year; just from toilet paper recycling."
Asked whether he thought this was a realizable goal Oboma replied that he saw no reason that Americans could not meet the challenge of the future. "Americans love the idea of saving the earth. There are some societies where they do not even use toilet paper at all! We should all emulate those cultures. The world is too wonderful not to save."
Algore is reported to have added Crapper credits to his line of Carbon credits. Prices will be based on a per sheet basis. Algore stated that he thought Americans will just be itching to purchase the new credits..
Personally this reported thinks the whole idea stinks!!
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"Don't worry about the mule going' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Political Satire
Obama/ Ahmajinedad Debate
President Obama in an attempt to alleviate the current nuclear crisis in Iran has challenged Iranian President Mahamud Ahmajinedad to an Internationally Broadcast Debate
President Obama said: "Now I know I uuuh lost the debates to uh Clinton and um McCain in 08 but I uuum still won the election -- won some uuuh Political Capitol you see and uhhh fans, you see. I think uuuh that I can uh show the world uuum where the U.S. and uuuh Iran stand, you see . "
Presidential adviser David Axelrod, Media Expert Phil Donahue, and Comedian Flip Wilson have the President watching Debate Highlight tapes, and speeches from the past to prepare him for the enigmatic Iranian's style.
The President's viewing agenda is as follows:
1) Algore's "I invented the Internet" Speech
2) Bush 1 and his " Read My Lips" promise.
3) Michael Dukakis and his " If you kill my wife I'll call the cops" Debacle
4) Jimmy Carter and his "I have Lusted" moment
President Obama explained: "You see uuuuh I'm practicing what not to say so uhhhh I won't say it you see."
The Teleprompter is studying the facts of the nuclear crisis and has promised to be full of figures and options for Obama to repeat. We all pray there isn't a power outage during the debate.
Ahmajinedad is said to be busy practicing looking sane and keeping his eyes uncrossed. It is rumored that he might actually bath and shave for the debate. We can only pray....
Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon..
Tags: Political Satire
Aunt Bell's Credit Card
Cancel your credit card before you die......... .(hilarious!)
Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Aunt Bell died this past October, and Citibank billed her for November, December, and January. for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange :
Billy Bob "I am calling to tell you Aunt Bell died back in October"
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Billy Bob: "'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.?
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been"
Billy Bob: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"'
Billly Bob: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Billy Bob" "'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part bout her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Billy Bob: "I'm calling to tell you, Aunt Bell died back in October with a $0 balance."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
Billy Bob: "'You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Billy Bob: "No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ' "Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Billy Bob: '"Sure." (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: "'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Billy Bob: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges will still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Billy Bob: "'Would you like her new billing address?'"
Citibank: "That might help.."
Billy Bob: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Billy Bob: "And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Priceless!!)
You wondered why Citi Bank is going broke and needed the feds to bail them out!!
"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."
Tags: Funny Story
.The Fart Amendment.
Fart Amendment added to the New Cap and Trade Bill
Washington D.C.: Today it was announce by Harry Reid that a new Amendment has been tacked on to the New Cap and Trade Bill. The new amendment would restrict public farting by making farting illegal in public places or in groups of four or more people. Reid said, "As we already know from Algore and others famous people and celebrities, Cows and other domestic animal farts cause Global,,opps,,, I mean cause Climate Change, and it only makes sense for all Americans to do their part to save the environment. As a society we are the most abundant farters on the planet, because of our rich American diet" Of course in reality farting will occur from time to time so the Government in it's wisdom has devised a plan to enable people to purchase "Fart Credits" for a minor fee. There will be a scale of fart severity and corresponding pricing of credits. Monitors will be placed in all public locations to record any farting activity. Without the Fart Credit a person could be fined up to 1,000 dollars per fart depending on the emissions released.. Fart patrols will be organized from the Obomo Teen Service Volunteers. Cost of the credits will be one dollar each. Proposed Fart scale is listed below: Small quite poot .....................................1 credit Normal after meal fart..............................5 credits Multiple machine gun farts........................10 credits Silent Killers............................................50 credits Underware flappin' ultra blast...................100 credits The Bill is expected to be voted on in the next few weeks by the Senate and is expected to pass with a sixty to forty majority. And if anyone knows about gaseous emissions, it's the Congress!!
-- "Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon." ..
Tags: Political Satire
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