|
Viewing 289 - 295 out of 295 Blogs.
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
33 |
For our 31st wedding anniversary, I've composed this lovely poem for my darling wife.....in the tune of "I've Grown Accustomed To Your Face" from MY FAIR LADY
I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR AGE
I've grown accustomed to your age
although I cannot count that high and though you try to hide the years with stretch pants bought at Sears you can't escape, your brontosaurus shape It's second nature to me now to know you're just an old antique Every time you try to bend you dislocate your end you huff, you puff, you gasp, you squeak I guess it came as no surprise to be as old as your bra size but you just never got your act together as the years went by The only thing you learned was how to match my shirt and tie I've grown accustomed to your age, although you wear it well accustomed to your age I know our neighbors think its odd you're not retired in Cape Cod I bet they'd probably like to see you have the energy to roam the grounds of your facility Your friends all tell you that you're cute as a descending parachute and though you try to watch your weight, that ice cream cake you ate is just one bite, to wet your appetite Your friends still say that you look well They don't suspect you feel like hell Too much onions on your hot dog is a flatulent mistake that makes your insides rumble like a San Francisco quake I've grown accustomed to your age accustomed to your gray accustomed to your age You don't know where the time has gone You actually used to be a kid You weren't always in your sixties you were once a little runt and though you look much older now you look the same up front I've grown accustomed to your age accustomed to your shape accustomed to your age
My wife and I and another couple took a vacation about two months ago from our New York residences to Boston, Massachusetts. The other couple wanted very much to visit the JFK Library and Museum. To me, a library was not my first choice, but we did go there aside from seeing more of what Boston has to offer on the other days we visited the city. To me a library is books....a lot of books and being quiet. My memories of being in a library during my school years was that everyone was very quiet..especially in the school library. Aside from school and the Queens public libraries here in New York City, on a rare occasion, I visited the main branch of the New York City public library on 5th Avenue and 42nd Street in Manhattan. Anyway..my expectations at the JFK Library were not what I thought. I was pleasantly surprised with many interesting and fascinating videos and JFK memorabilia. The librarians here were very accommodating too. All I had to do was show some personal ID, and BINGO...I had a temporary Boston public library card. I was allowed to take out up to 5 books with my temporary card. I took out 3 : "Profiles In Courage", a book about the Mercury Space Capsule on display and a book about Ted Williams and the Boston Red Sox. It was about eight weeks after our trip to Boston when I realized I was supposed to return the books over a month ago in the postage paid envelope provided by the JFK Library and Museum. Yep...I forgot to mail them back. I had overdue books before but never dealt with the Library Of Congress Police. Aside from sending me letters and leaving phone messages , I got an E-mail from James Comey. the current director of the FBI. I was informed that if I did not return the books immediately, I would receive a hefty fine and a likely prison sentence. !!!! OMG. Well, I did mail back the three books by express mail right after I heard from the FBI. I'm usually not so negligent and tardy in these matters . I usually never procrastinate so much but I didn't think the JFK Library and Museum would care if I kept the books a tad longer than I was supposed to. I'm sure they have other copies. Anyway, if I ever go back to Boston again, I'm not going anywhere near the JFK Library and Museum or for that matter near Fenway Park either. My photo remains on the walls of these places as a registered Sox offender for the next 5 years.
I've been interested in discovering a bit more about my ancestry after a cousin of mine revealed she had purchased one of these DNA ancestry testing kits with some surprising results to her. Our grandmothers were sisters so I figured some similarities might show up in the DNA result. Of course my maternal grandfather's would influence my result as well as my father's family. These DNA testing kits I've seen for with prices running from $25 to $200. I purchased the one my cousin recommended called "Where The Hell Do I Come From.com" for about a hundred bucks. So I got some of my saliva into a collection tube and sent it back in a pre-paid return mailer.
It can take about 6-8 weeks to get these results and I had to wait over 2 months. Some of these kits use genotype to analyze the 3 billion or so pairs in our genome or look at the protein codes. There are those DNA results based upon scientific methods that I have no understanding of like "Y" chromosome expository and mitochondria testing and nucleotide polymorphisms . All these terms are Greek to me and as it turned out no Zorba The Greek in my heritage once I got my results. I waited patiently and anxious for over two months. Some of these DNA ancestry testing give links to relatives while others see how much I might have in common going way way back in time with Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon man.
Well, being shocked to discover my results would be an understatement. The results showed I was 42 % native American, 23% Eskimo, and 35% ....get this...Canis Lupus....more commonly known as a timber wolf or gray wolf that were native to North America and Eurasia. My cousin had said our mutual great grandmother had come from Austria and I believe my maternal grandfather's family was from Russia. But there's no one in my family alive to ask anymore. I know the accuracy of these DNA results can vary with up to a 10% margin of error but I never expected a timber wolf to be in my bloodline.
No...I have no symptoms of suffering from lycanthropy ..being a werewolf,that is. I don't howl at a full moon. True I like my steaks bloody rare but that's as far as anything wolflike about me. I'm not even a hairy guy.Just ask my wife. I was hoping my DNA ancestry test might trace my bloodline to Alexander The Great, King Tut, or Cochise or Alley OOP if the testing could go back that far. But now...now..incredibly I have a greater than a one in three chance of being related to White Fang or Rin Tin Tin.
With the Oscars on a few weekends ago, , it was one night my wife especially looks forward to, as we had seen many of the movies nominated for awards. She watched the entire show without falling asleep. I watched the opening monologue and a bit more but not more than an hour's worth .Anyway....being the special night of TV it is for her...not me...she watched all that red carpet displays and interviews and the women in their designer dresses too. I told her I wanted a dinner that night that was worthy of an Academy Award. So... we had "Fried Green Tomatoes,"  Next time I'll just say I'm picking up Chinese food as I usually do on a Sunday night.
On a recent Saturday evening, my wife and I attended a bar-mitzvah reception at a Long Island restaurant/caterer. Our table seating card read Table NO.2 where we were seated with a bunch of strangers including curmudgeons,merry widows,and a pair of married folks who looked about our age,(65). As there was no prime rib I hoped to order offered, I opted for the salmon filet over the chicken marsala .
I'm trying to incorporate more fish in my diet,one of my few healthier habits. Our salad was a plate of leaves: red, green, and maroon. I don't eat leaves. What am I? A Giraffe? Only the twigs and ladybug beetles were missing on my plate. Why not just serve me a single serving Bonzai tree so I could dig in? As I guzzled down my 4th glass of red wine, (more health food), after joining hands doing the Hora and hokey pokeying,the music the DJ was playing for the rest of the evening was unrecognizable to me.
My wife knew Lady Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas, Yes ,I had heard of them from music award shows. BUT...No Beatles, The Stones, The Who - even the Back Street Boys is old stuff now. The traditional Village People's "YMCA" was never played. The party had mostly children attending. I counted three adult tables,including ours. Still, I felt some music for our generation would have been more appropriate
. There were, unfortunately, no grandparents of the bar-mitzvah boy alive today, and no great aunts or uncles either from what I observed. Where were the elderly folks? They couldn't all be deceased. Most people at my table looked older than me, though their kids were in elementary or middle schools. Our daughter, unable to attend this gala event, was away visiting friends in upstate New York. Suddenly the frightening horrific reality hit me. There was an old folks table. I was sitting at it !!! What's going on here? I must be at the wrong table. I wasn't even offered chicken nuggets or spaghetti. I can't believe I enjoyed the salmon. Change my table,please !!
I'm afraid of spiders. I've been afraid ever since I could remember. Daddy Long Legs terrify me the most. Many years ago while dating a woman I really wanted to impress,while driving my car I had to suddenly pull off the Long Island Expressway as a small brown spider crawled on the inside window, Yes..I was terribly embarrassed as my date had to get out of the car while I jabbed at the spider with the point of an umbrella on the shoulder of the road, finally killing it and flicking it out the door. I figured this would be the last time I'd see her again. Turns out we're married 32 years now and she's tolerated my phobia but not very sympathetic. Anyway, I think my fear of spiders has diminished a bit over the years.
About a month ago at work, I had an incident involving an arachnid. I work as part of a team as a merchandiser in various supermarkets moving merchandise as well as the shelves. Moving some cans of soup one day, from a bottom shelf, a humongous spider crawled onto my hand. My co-workers working near me were not aware of my phobia. I was afraid to be afraid. Did I scream and jump backwards into another zip code as I normally would? No. I poked the sucker off my hand with a screwdriver,and calmly squashed it with a paper towel. None of my work associates had a clue what an act of bravery this was for me. I had faced my fear and overcome it. It has been several weeks now since being released from North Shore Hospital on Long Island. I don't recall fainting after squashing that spider. I was told by doctors that I was in a coma for about a week and was not given much of a chance to survive. A leading phobia specialist and therapist ,Dr. Myasshertz of Great Neck has been helping me cope with this traumatic experience.I've taken a medical leave of absence and undergoing relaxation techniques, exercise, and yoga which seems to be helping under the watchful care of Dr. Myasshertz. The Xanax and Valium he has prescribed has helped me relax and get the much needed sleep I need. I've informed my employer that I will be returning in about a week. They have assigned me to work only in the frozen aisle. There's practically no chance of encountering a spider there. However, I've been cautioned to stay away from the giant crab dinners.
STORMY WEATHER Sometimes I sleep in a smaller bedroom as I go to bed earlier than my wife, leaving much earlier so I don't disturb her in the morning. This is especially true in the summer when she's not working at her local high school. While she has the comfort of central air conditioning plus a room air conditioner if necessary,an open window and a powerful fan is adequate for me with my bedroom door closed. This past Wednesday was one of those hazy hot humid days. The evening was oppressively muggy. I put my fan on high when I went to bed. I was not aware that the warm air in the bedroom was replaced with the gusty squall of wind produced by my fan. The room was so humid that the rising air contained a great deal of saturated heat. I was sleeping as a towering cumulonimbus cloud formed over my bed, oblivious of its consequences. I awoke to a thunderous BOOM . A bolt of lightning extended from the ceiling to my Uggs house shoes. It started to pour. I woke up drenched from the thunderstorm I had unknowingly created in my bedroom. My blanket, pillow,and bedspread were totally soaked ,as well as the carpet. Fortunately I had an umbrella by my bed and sat under it during the torrential downpour. About ten minutes later, the rain finally began to let up so I could reach and shut off the fan. I quickly changed into a pair of new dry Izod pajamas and somehow managed to fall asleep again.. My wife, who slept peacefully through my bizarre weather, questioned me when I got home from work the next afternoon as to how my bed sheets and pajamas got so wet. She knew it wasn't from my enlarged prostate or some fantastic erotic dream. But she refused to believe it had rained and even hailed in my bedroom. Anyway, the forecast in my bedroom for tomorrow is for a 75% chance of heavy thunderstorms, as well as a tornado warning. So I'm not taking any chances. I'm wearing a raincoat and galoshes to bed for the rest of the summer.
| Page:
|
|
|
|
|
33 |
|
