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Viewing 280 - 288 out of 295 Blogs.
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In the tune of " I Could Have Danced All Night"
I could have peed all night or block the urge and fight.I chose to stay in bed
.I've totally stained my sheets worse than a jar of beets and now I'm soaked instead.
I've got my wife all agitated and my pajamas reek of pee
.I should have gotten up and used a urine cup instead of saturating me.
It should have been my goal to use the toilet bowl.Don't come near my bedroom.
Ammonia fills the air.It's more than I can bear.I'd rather breathe perfume.
I hope my wife will do my laundry.I know my sheets might not get white.
Now when I have to go, I won't resist the flow,and I will Pee Pee Pee All Night.
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FANFARE
Posted On 04/25/2018 10:45:24
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With the official start of summer,just days away and already having some annoying hot sticky days and nights that I loathe, I've installed a second ceiling fan in our home. We have a ceiling fan in our kitchen above the kitchen table which cools off the kitchen more than adequately. My wife and I try to avoid using our central air conditioning which can run up huge electric bills cooling off 2 floors plus the basement which really is a waste since we're hardly down there. The room air conditioner in our bedroom serves its purpose without putting on the central air conditioning at night. Anyway. I checked out the local Lowes and Home Depot and other home furnishing type department and appliance stores and purchased and installed by myself, quite proudly , a ceiling fan in our living room just yesterday. There's just one slight difference from most ceiling fans. I installed it on the floor. !!!! I did this on a day I was home while my wife was working, making only a few minor cuts in our living room carpet. The circulating air feels fine especially when walking barefoot and this placement of the fan seems to keep any creepy crawlies like ants, spiders, and other multilegged undesirables away. The ceiling fan is about a foot above the carpet floor and so far, we've had just two very slight collisions with our feet. I have a bruise on my ankle walking into the fan at night with the lights off and my wife cut open her big toe but needed just a few stitches at the emergency room of a local hospital and she's fine. In fact, she's got a doctor's note and can be off from work with pay for a couple of days. While I know,it's not the norm to install a ceiling fan on the floor, the point is,it works just fine. It cools off the room. It can never fall on our heads. it keeps the bugs at bay, even decapitating a low flying house fly, and I'm sure will be a topic of conversation once we have guests visiting and sitting in our living room. I keep a first aid kit and tourniquet near our couch for those clumsy people who don't look down when they walk. I really think this ceiling fan is the best improvement we've made in our home in years
On a recent evening, while switching through the excessive TV stations of nonsensical reality and game shows,I paused at one of the educational channels. It was showing some footage of long closed Roosevelt Raceway here on Long Island plus a segment on the Roosevelt Raceway Flea Market . I had spent many Sundays there with my wife buying discount clothing and some of the best cheesecake in New York years ago. I knew my wife would be interested in viewing some of her fond memories of shopping there so I went into her bedroom where she was watching TV. I told her to switch to the Roosevelt raceway Flea Market on another channel. She was watching Ellen Degeneres. Well, Ellen was dancing on the stage and in the audience. Could my wife bear to stop viewing something so important. ? Could she switch channels for just a few moments to see some footage of our favorite flea market. ? Apparently not. After a few seconds of indecision and panic I saw on her face, I said "What's it gonna be? Ellen or Roosevelt.
In The Tune Of "Get Me To The Church On Time,"
I'm having pancakes in the morning
bacon and sausage on the side
with gobs of butter and Fluffanutter
and ham that's sliced 6 inches wide.
I'm having oatmeal in the morning
bagel with cream cheese piled real thick
blueberry muffin, with jam I'll be lovin'
and waffles ought to do the trick.
Cornflakes and Wheaties
and Captain Crunch
with ripe bananas
I'm not saving for my lunch
I'm having prune juice in the morning
cocoa and donuts with my toast
scrambled eggs and Fruit Loops
Cheerios with 2 scoops
of cinnamon is what I like the most.
( SLOWER )
Oh....I'm going to be sick in the morning
I'm going to throw up, bless my soul
I'm going to vomit, then clean it with Comet
Please get me to a sink
before my eyes can blink
For God's sake,get me to a toilet bowl.
Living in New York, I'm accustomed to watching news on TV and growing up with news broadcasters whose names and faces most New Yorkers would recognize. When my wife and I travel to our 2nd home about two and a half hours from our Long Island home in the Pocono mountains in Pennsylvania, the news I watch on TV is significantly different. Sure there's not every day murders and other crimes and politics and scandals and transportation,education, sports, weather, economic, and a myriad of other noteworthy issues, but when staying in our Pocono home, (about one weekend a month), why is the top story on every news station about a county fair or fireman's ball or an all you can eat pancake function? It really irks me that these boring zombie like news anchormen and women don't even mention important national interest news that affect most Americans. The Lackawanna Blue Ribbon Apple Pie contestants take precedence over our president. Sports? World Series? Superbowl? Forget about it. Sure, I don't expect the NY sports to dominate the Pennsylvania channels, but must I endure listening to news about the fishing tournament at Lake Wallenpupack or the Naomi High School football schedule? Don't get me wrong. I love getting away from our congested area, away from the traffic on the Long Island Expressway to our bucolic gated community where I can see deer, chipmunks, wild turkeys instead of pigeons, squirrels, and dog poop everywhere you walk. The Pocono area is huge. It is not so isolated now with so many people relocating there . Granted, it's not New York City, but is a new goat at a petting zoo headline news? An asteroid the size of Texas can be on collision course with our planet in a couple of days,California could have sunk due to an earthquake, Congress might have declared war on Switzerland, aliens from Alpha Centauri could be focusing death rays on Times Square, Lindsay Lohan might have been arrested again for lewd behavior, a new avarian flu can be killing millions worldwide, the lost continent of Atlantis might have surfaced in Coney Island, Brooklyn......BUT the Pocono TV feature news story is the Cresco Pretzel Factory giving out free samples. Bon Appetit.
'I'm having a delayed reaction". That's what I told my wife about 24 hours after I had a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvic area the day before. I was experiencing some dull aches in that area and my doctor advised me to get this CT scan which fortunately showed nothing alarming. When I was getting the CT scan, a dye had to be injected through an IV and the technician said I would experience a feeling of warmth and flushness .
But that never happened.Now driving on a highway, a day later, I could feel this uncomfortable increasingly warm sensation in my groin area. It got so burning hot I kept looking down at my pants and told my wife I would have to pull over. I pulled over on the side of the road about to pull down my pants behind a tree. It was then she realized the heated seat I was sitting on she had put on HIGH. Goodness Gracious. great balls of fire. !!
In an unprecedented act two days ago, President Trump declared war on Denmark citing how Haagendazs ice cream has caused serious problems of increasing obesity and girth. The President feels bombing the factories there will greatly benefit U.S. citizens.
However, dessert experts in Congress have delayed any hostile acts against Denmark. They have informed our President that the map of Denmark on the Haagendazs containers has nothing to do with that country..an easy mistake to be sure. Health officials discovered that Haagendazs ice cream started in Da Bronx, NY.
So now,the President has targeted other areas like Hershey,Pennsylvania to be nuked. All those high fat chocolate bars and kisses must go. President Trump has vowed to do whatever he can to fight obesity and win the battle of the bulge.
One other area soon to be targeted for destruction is the state of Vermont. The home of Ben & Jerrys is a health threat to all of humanity. Then there is all that high caloric syrup waiting to cause strokes,heart attacks, and diabetes.Do we really need all those trees? "I think not" was quoted the President talking to forest rangers. "Except for some ski areas and scenic green mountains,Vermont is not a viable state", remarked Trump. "Besides.no one knows how to spell or pronounce Montpelier anyway."
My wife and I have been going to the same dentist for many years. While his fees have been higher for procedures compared to most dentists,and getting only minimal coverage through my wife's dental plan, we trust and feel very confident going to him, He takes a personal interest in his patients and on two occasions has come in for us in a dental emergency when the office was closed. In short,,we feel he's worth the extra money we spend. Last week he announced he's retiring in about a month. His partner we never cared for so we needed to look for another dentist. Some close friends of ours have recommended a dental office that is just as close as our retiring dentist's. It is called Bucky Dental and they accept our dental insurance and many others we might switch to. So we are having all our dental records sent to Bucky Dental. Both of the partners are much younger than our retiring dentist and use the latest technology and techniques and most up to date diagnostic tools and equipment. Our friends swear by this Dr. Pullman DMD., saying that even his most complex procedures have been virtually pain free. His associate, Dr. Twittle DD. has earned reputation for gentle pain free dentistry. I. for one, always cringe at the thought of an injection in my gums and the thought of drilling terrifies me. Perhaps the most significant thing about Bucky Dental is their newest type of teeth replacement they use. No more crowns or root canals. No more periodontic or endodontic expenses. Bucky Dental offers the latest advances in wooden teeth. !! All our friends with their wooden teeth smiles look terrific. They look forward to being in photographs and showing off their pearly whites. Unlike George Washington's choppers , these wooden teeth are 100% splinter proof. Bucky Dental also offers termite insurance for an additional nominal fee. Dr. Pullman even sells his own patented brand of mouthwash made from the sap of a eucalyptus tree called Vermont Virtuoso and his own patent pending toothpaste called Log Cabernet Toothpaste. My wife and I are both looking forward to our initial checkups which we are both due for with these young outstanding dentists. We've heard their free samples include giant redwood forest toothpicks and maple flavored dental floss. Another plus about Bucky Dental is we can pay in wooden nickels.
When you wish upon a star,makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. We all remember the song Now for some history. Back in 1966. just 10 days after turning 65, the most famous pioneer of the American animation industry and winner of 22 Oscars passed away from lung cancer and was cremated. That's what the public was told. But the truth is that this man, with theme parks all over the world, had his body placed in an induced coma moments before his cardiac arrest was anticipated. His body was instantly subjected to lyophilization (freeze drying) and then cryogenically preserved at minus 150 degrees celsius until hopefully a time in the future would come where his coronary illness could be cured. This man's body has remained at that frigid temperatureuntilrecently.
A team of doctors from the Mayonnaise Clinic in Boston, Mass. specially trained in a medical breakthrough called bio-parthogenesis has restored this man who is now in perfect health.except for an enlarged prostate, to the land of the living. Leading the team was none other than the renowned Swedish surgeon, Dr. Frank N. Stern , who has been experimenting in reviving the grateful dead for decades. Due to his team's incredible dexterity and knowledge , they are pleased to welcome back, Walt Disney. This is for real, folks. It is a true Fantastic Voyage. Raquel Welch..eat your heart out. Yes folks, Walt Disney is alive and just as incredible, his Tinkerbell watch is as accurate as the day it was made. Like all Disney watches, they take a licking but keep on ticking.
Unlike the Walking Dead, Walt has all his cognitive faculties intact. He has some trouble walking and using his limbs as doctors had expected. After all, he hasn't used any of those muscles for over 50 years. His diet will need to consist of liquids and soft foods until his esophagul muscles build up strength. Walt was saddened to hear of the death of his wife Lillian who died in 2013 after marrying Cubby, a former Mouseketeer and Walt's two daughters ,one adopted,also passed away in the 1990s. The news that Walt's favorite Mouseketeer, Annette Funicello, had died away brought Walt to tears. Having sex is a no no Doctor's have warned Disney for at least a month. Walt has the hots for that Peter Pan actress,Allison Williams who did a live TV broadcast from Bethpage, Long Island. Walt didn't want to discuss his Fantasy Land at this time but said he needed to go to Walmart to buy some diapers .
Walt Disney cannot wait to meet former Mickey Mouse Club members ,Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Ryan Gosling. As soon as he's able to, Walt wants to ride the roller coasters at Space Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyworld. He wants to visit his theme parks in Hong Kong,Japan, Europe,and everywhere else his fame and name has traveled. Doctors have warned Walt to take it easy and not to expose himself to any stress or sudden sights or sounds. His body movements must be restricted for a while. So the Back To The Future Ride at his competitor's Universal Studios is out of the question. Still, Walt is eager to go on the Spaceship Earth ride and the Avatar Flight of Passage. However, It's a Small World ride might be more of Walt's speed for now or something like the closed Universal's Flying Unicorn. E.T. his doctor's feel would probably be okay.
"Times have certainly changed",Walt Disney was quoted seeing how flabbergasted and amazed at the new technology everywhere since his, let's call it, big sleep. Walt could not believe what was science fiction back in the 50s and 60s is reality today: things like smart phones, ipads, texting,podcasts, instagram, skyping, facebook, selfies,music videos, cybercrimes, opioids, hybrid and electric cars and electronic toll booths and when Walt saw what today's computers are like and the speed to know anything at your fingertips, why he was at a loss for words. Robots and androids and automatic toilet bowl cleaners.!!! Walt was just astounded to see the accomplishments of mankind during his 5 decade absence.
Walt Disney has already been swamped with requests to appear on Good Morning America, The View, Dr. Phil, Kelly and Whoever, all those late night talk shows, etc. Mickey Mouse says its 13 o'clock. That's quite a shock. That's my boy. Songs like that and all the"oldies" over the years Walt wants to catch up with. He is eager to hear all the music he has missed.He wants to do the Hustle and Macarena as soon as his limbs can move more comfortably and he wants to see the infinite number of TV shows and movies he has missed especially La La Land.
When told about the White House and our government issues, protests and scandals, continuing wars and terrorism all over the world, Walt's comment was "Sounds like Animal kingdom to me." As far as Walt Disney knows, Tomorrowland is today. Let's all wish him and ourselves a big beautiful tomorrow
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