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An Irish painter, name of O'Malley, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland and the continent were came to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, for him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a Rolls Royce to ask him to paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, but when the woman told him that money was no object; and she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was a hard decision but his wife agreed………on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude, but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.â€
I bought some Marie Calendar dinners my wife asked me to purchase the other day and she misread the directions and thought it said to heat in a CONVENT oven ...so we ended up in a local church and had dinner with some nuns and priests.
When you're a Met,you're a Met all the way from your first dropped fly ball to your last double play.
When you're a Met,you leave runners on base You strike out in the clutch.You belong in last place.
Some Mets are not here but they make the games exciting Our frustration is clear. The problem's not with steroids. It's the outfield lighting.
Here come the Mets that we've learned to applaud from our first heart attack to our last vocal chord.
Here come the Mets in a league of their own. Bring back Seaver and Ryan, Dave Kingman,and Cone.
The Mets are my team and though I love the Yankees I've learned how to scream and wash away the teardrops with lots of hankies.
Here come the Mets in their home Citifield There's still time in the season. It is not time to yield.
Here come the Mets .There's no reason to grieve. If you give your support, then you gotta believe.
Just like the Mets in their old home at Shea, we will have no regrets if they win one today.
When you're a Met, you stay a MET.
There has been a lot of controversy about the opening of a new ExxonMobil Corporation gas station a few weeks ago in Augusta, Georgia. Not in your typical thought of location, this gas station is now open on the grounds of the Masters Golf tournament on the scenic Augusta National Golf Course. YES. Here lies the world famous Augusta National Golf Club offering 18 holes of golf and Southern topography where so many revered golf champions have played, including the 2018 winner, Patrick Reed.
But now a gas station has been built just yards from the putting green and surrounding bunkers on the 9th hole. Golf purists and golf afficianados are up in arms, woods, and irons over this egregious structure." Crazy, imbecilic, nuts. insane", are what golf pros like Jordan Spieth, Rickie Fowler, and Jack Mickelson are calling this gas station. This new ExxonMobil gas station is open 24 hours, albeit not in a row. It has a state of the art out house and a pristine unisex latrine for golfers and their fans. In addition, the station has vending machines where one can purchase hot and cold beverages, as well as assorted gourmet sandwiches like tuna melts, beef wellington, salmon almondine, and organic peanut butter and jelly. Negotiations are underway to build a McDonald's and Dunkin Donuts where players tee off from on the 14th hole.
The mechanic on duty specializes in golf cart repairs as well as dune buggies, Martian rovers. and LEMS. (lunar excursion modules). The gas station is intended to provide a quick respite from the often grueling conditions at Augusta but players that lose their balls in the gas station or its facilities, will be penalized two strokes according to the PGA rules.
According to Golf Digest,the landlord here at the Augusta National Golf Club has the authority to build anything he wants on the golf course,including a skyscraper which was originally to be built on the 5th hole but the greenskeepers felt broken glass from golf balls hitting windows would provide a health hazard .especially for anyone walking with bare feet so that idea was given a deep six.
The grassy knolls and heather on the hills and manicured fairways will have all pedestrians strolling through this golf course quietly and surreptitiously like a tiger would.
Last weekend, when I was about to make my usual Saturday morning omelet, a miracle occurred. I'm talking parting of the Red sea, 1969 NY Mets, kind of miracle. Cracking open an egg, what did I see? TWO yolks. Count them..one...two. No my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I screamed for my wife who was upstairs . When she came down and saw what was in the bowl, she couldn't believe her eyes either. I was flabbergasted. She was dumbfounded. Usually she's just dumb.
My wife immediately placed the two yolks into a zip locked bag to insure my miracle in a bowl would not get lost or be eaten by me. She said I should contact professionals in the science field over my anomalous discovery. That morning I E-mailed letters to the American Medical Association, the American Museum of Natural History, the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, the Academy for International Sciences and Research and Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
The ramifications of two yolks when it comes to cooking recipes defies the imagination. My wife suggested I contact Betty Crocker, and Pillsbury as well as cooking personalities like Emeril Lagasse, Rachael Ray, and the Frugal Gourmet. I told her that my discovery might create a new genre of movies. I said I'd also contact George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, the Coen Brothers, and Seth MacFarlane. My wife agreed that a double yolk in Jurassic Park or Breakfast at Tiffany's might bring unseen excitement to movie goers
But I thought to myself that this is just the beginning. why not contact the really big guys in the egg industry like Big Bird and Dr. Zeuss and his famous Green Eggs. In addition I decided to contact IHOP, McDonald's,Denny's, Oscar Mayer, Au Bon Pain, England's Best, Hilshire Farms,Swifts Premium, and Kraft and Nestle Food corporations. While I was busy with my own E-mails, my wife was contacting all our local newspapers here in NY as well as major newspapers in other cities. I agreed an egg on one's face should certainly be a topic in the Washington Post.
Well that morning when I first discovered the double yolk, all I had for breakfast was a bowl of Wheaties and a toasted buttered Thomas English muffin. I was afraid to crack open an egg until I was sure my blood pressure went down. The excitement of seeing another miracle in a bowl would probably require my need for a tranquilizer.
Agricultural scientists at the FVI,(Fruit and Vegetable Institute), on Plum Island, NY have successfully created a new hybrid fruit: a blapple. This fruit was engineered after many years of trials using different varieties of apples. The common Mcintosh apple and a blueberry are the happy "parents". While there are many examples of hybrid fruits on the market, the blapple is unique. It is a virtual storehouse of nutrients like no other fruit. It's dense fiber is great for the digestion system.It is loaded with important vitamins and antioxidants and supports the cardiovascular system while benefiting a healthy cholesterol ratio. The blapple is about the size of your average Passover matzoh ball but is low in calories and has absolutely no saturated fat . They will soon be available in produce sections of stores everywhere. Some folks may have a problem biting into a blapple as the outer skin can be compared to a golf ball. Flavor wise, initial reports by a random sample of fruit lovers say they taste like eating camphor. Another plus you should know is that you'll never see a worm when you bite into a blapple.
Scientists at the Helena Rubinstein Institute in Helsinki, Finland are excited to announce an amazing discovery with global implications. After thorough and vigorous tests and analysis by the Atomic Energy Commission and experts at the International Society of Scientology (ISOS), the report has been confirmed of the discovery of a new element named "Lipsillium". Lipsillium is a waxy. unctuous substance with a half life of only a few hours (half life being the time required by any specific property to decrease by half.) This newly found element was discovered quite by accident after it was being cultivated at conjugal Eskimo interactions in Antarctica. Alchemists have classified lipsillium as a non metalloid in the periodic table of elements with chemical properties similar to yttrium and lubridium. It's exact atomic weight and placement in the periodic table as yet has not been determined. Lipsillium has already been found to have uses as a rocket fuel additive, helps dissolve those annoying skin tags loved by dermatologists, and adds a robustness to shrimp jambalaya. The discovery of the element, lipsillium, has much more significant ramifications however, than used in some shrimp or crawfish etouffee recipe. There are three basic reasons for the enthusiasm of the scientific community. It may help us understand the origins of the human race. It may provide new clues to the formation of our universe, specifically our Milky Way galaxy.. and it will be a great word for future spelling bees and scrabble players
I was in a local supermarket the other day and bought one small beefsteak tomato which was on sale for $1.49 per pound among other items. When I checked my receipt after my purchase, I noticed the cashier had charged me for the price of these stem or so called on the vine tomatoes at $2.99 per pound. When i called it to her attention, she said seeing the stem, thought it was a stem tomato, apologized but said I needed to go to customer service for a refund. So, after about a 15 minute wait for another customer buying lottery tickets and numbers, (while customers are waiting behind me with items melting), I explained the error to the associate at customer service. She did refund the difference, about 60 cents,, but first gave me a paper to fill out MY name and MY address . For their error on a refund? Ridiculous.!!!! What else could they want? My social security number? How about my mother's maiden name? Anyway, I wrote my first name down, then thinking, why give out personal none of their business info, I changed my last name to Smith and put down 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC. as my address. Yep..they can contact me at the white house if another tomato issue comes up.
1. Private First Class Gomer Pyle is arrested for pimping during one of his extended unauthorized leaves of absence.
2.Carroll O'Connor replaces Buddy Ebsen of the Beverly Hillbillies in a new show titled "Oil In The Family".
3. Lassie is bitten by a rabid raccoon and as her condition deteriorates to an Old Yeller fate,Timmy is chosen by an eeny meeny miny moe process to shoot his beloved collie.
4. King Kong and Mighty Joe Young exchange wedding vows in Africa as same sex primate marriage is legalized.
5.The Jeffersons unknowingly crash a KKK party in Newark,NJ. and are never seen exiting the premises.
6. Patty Duke is discovered to be suffering from multiple personality delusions and realizes she is her cousin, Cathy Duke.
7. Mr. Spock exposes his elongated genitalia in this Star Trek episode as part of an obligatory Vulcan ritual.
8. Guest star Halle Berry shows up on the Ponderosa with DNA evidence that she is the illegitimate daughter of Ben Cartwright.
9. Wheel of Fortune celebrity player Andre The Giant spins the wheel so hard it flies off the stage decapitating several members of the astonished audience.
10. Dora The Explorer gets lost in the arctic tundra of Greenland . Her frozen remains are thawed out in an episode called "The Dorsicle."
11. Saddam Hussein guest hosts for Johnny Carson. The audience is held hostage until David Letterman stops doing his monologue at the Ed Sullivan Theater.
12. The final million dollar suit case in Deal or No Deal contains what Mensa viewers knew all along what this dumb show was....a bomb.
13.The Lone Ranger is unmasked to discover he is really the bi-polar sworsdsman Zorro who forgot to take his lithium. Tonto is detained by Arizona authorities because he is an illegal immigrant.
14. Dr Phil finally comes out of the closet himself to reveal he is really Dr. Phyllis.
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