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This is the story of a tall plastic kitchen garbage can named Gabriella, Gabby, for short. Gabby resided in a beautiful home on Long Island's North shore and had wonderful caring owners living in the home. Gabby had many kitchen friends including Ollie the Oven, Dixie, the Dishwasher,and Freddie the Refrigerator. Freddie was taller and wider than everyone else and was called the "General" by his kitchen residents. After all he was a General Electric.
Gabby loved collecting the family's garbage, having her plastic liners thrown out and enjoyed getting washed and scrubbed when some unsightly stains appeared . She loved her duties and even taking care of unforeseen spillages and crumbs but her owners always gave Gabby a good wash with a minty or lemony cleanser. One weekend while her owners were on vacation in the Hamptons, Long Island, they had forgotten they had left some cantaloupe in Gabby. Gabby had the worse case of fruit flies she could remember. She developed a really bad fear of flies (pteronarcophobia) ...a big word for you readers out there.
When the family came home. the bag of rotting cantaloupe was thrown out. The owners felt so bad about forgetting to dump it before their weekend excursion. Gabby got scrubbed down really good and loved it. She smelled clean and fresh and was happy but never forgot about those fruit flies. Gabby hated any kind of flies and maggots more than anything.She hated flies more than vomit, mucus, or bloody sanitary pads. But Gabby was happy to put up with some small inconveniences . She loved her job and did it well. But her fear of flies as opposed to her fear of flying (aviophobia), remained.
Gabby continued her conscientious and diligent work as the kitchen garbage can for years,enjoying the company of her appliance friends and a newer edition to the kitchen family, a TV that everyone enjoyed watching..not as big as the ginormous TV in the living room but well suited for the kitchen. Gabby loved some of the sci-fi type shows the family watched and even hoped what she thought was TV magic would rub off on her one day. Her favorite movies were The Exorcist and Carrie. Gabby even tried concentrating exercises and using transcendental meditation and tried to develop telekinetic abilities. Gabby worked on getting magical powers inside of herself but deep down inside knew she was just a garbage can. Leave magic to Penn and Teller ,she thought, another dynamic duo she loved to watch on TV with all the other super heroes.
One day, the family left for a 2 week vacation at their villa in Baghdad. In their rush to get to the airport, some scraps of sausages and eggs, some breakfast cereal and a small amount of milk was left in the bottom of Gabby's plastic liner bag. Within a couple of days,several species of flies and maggots started to congregate inside of Gabby. Gabby wished she could ask her fellow appliances and gadgets for help but Let's Get Serious Here. Garbage cans can't talk.
Gabby tried concentrating really hard to somehow get these intruders out of her. She tried to physically squeeze them out, squeezing harder than a Sumo wrestler who was constipated for a month. She employed all her telekinetic and psychic forces she learned about by watching TV. She tried to induce condensation and heat inside her so that the flies and maggots might drown or boil to death . Gabby continued to squeeze relentlessly, day and night, night and day. With the magic she was hoping she had, all but drained from her polythane body, Gabby just could not fend off these scavengers inside her feeding on the decaying meat and eggs. There was no Lucky Charm in Gabby's mental arsenal.
When the family came home from Baghdad, they felt terrible seeing Gabby in such agony and emotionless state. Her fear of flies had left her in a state of shock. But instead of a needed scrub down the owners went out that same day they got home and bought a stainless steel shiny new garbage can from their local Dan's Appliances store with a motion sensor detection lid.
After a decade of loyal service, Gabby was being replaced. She was put out to stud in some landfill in Staten Island where she now resides with a rotting bridge table, a rusty chaise lounge, a torn couch, and a clock that gives the correct time twice a day and some wandering hobo who used Gabby as his personal toilet bowl. What a sad demise for Gabby. Instead of being a faithful receptacle for rotten eggs and a stalwart sentry, she would be left rotting for centuries to come. Back on Long Island ,Steely Dan, as the other appliances called him was having the time of his life in the kitchen Gabby called home. It just goes to , one man's garbage is another man's treasure.
This is the story about an amphibian named Freddie the Frog who lived in Lake Lily Pad in Northern Queens, NY. Lake Lily Pad and the surrounding lake front area was the only habitat that Freddie ever knew. As a young tadpole, he swam in every nook and cranny of all the muck and mire and mud in Lake Lily Pad. Freddie became very adept at navigating between the strewn beer and soda cans, bottles, plastics, and all kinds of garbage that people threw in the lake. Freddie was such an incredible swimmer and diver he was known as the Michael Phelps of Tadpoles, the Mark Spitz of amphibians, the Aquatad of Lily Pad.
Freddie was such a likable easy going tadpole. He would dine on plants and leaves, an occasional worm or fly, but basically respected and was kind to all his lake dwelling neighbors. There was never a harsh word to his fellow lake inhabitants or relatives. He often played "Pin the tail on the guppy" with his nephew Kermit, and cousin Polly Wog. He loved splishing and splashing and taking a bath all on a Saturday night. The dragonflies, water bugs, and water striders of Lake Lily Pad admired the acrobatics of Freddie. All the species of fish and turtles and other denizens of the lake revered Freddie too. Noble kingfish and princess fish would bow when in the company of Freddie. What an amazing tadpole Freddie was. !!
But one grey night it happened. A dragon lives forever but not so little tadpoles. Freddie metamorphosized into a speckled frog. New adventures awaited Freddie. A tadpole never knows what to expect adjusting to froghood. Freddie's tail was the key to his underwater mobility. Losing it was devastating. The change in his anatomy was more than he could handle. His personality changed as well as his sensitive caring demeanor. Freddie became aggressively carnivorous. Damselflies were in distress all over the lake. Suddenly swallowing whole baby mice become part of Freddie's diet. In short, Freddie became cannibalistic.
Freddie became known as the scourge of Lake Lily Pad. Eating internal organs of his fellow frogs and tadpoles became his passion. Nostrils, membranes, sticky tongues,eye balls, and frogs legs could not satisfy his voracious appetite. Cousin Polly instead of joining Freddie for dinner became Freddie's dinner. Even earth worms burrowing deep into the soil were on Freddie's menu night and day.
The massacre, the culinary ravaging , the slaughter continued for days and weeks. There was no place to hide. Kermit was found hiding in a squirrel's nest high up in an oak tree and Freddie ate him limb to limb. Would this carnage ever end?
It was on an overcast afternoon while Freddie was chomping on some amphibian's spleen that he didn't notice a large object in the sky descending towards him. His eyes had retracted into his head allowing him to swallow the spleen. When Freddie looked up, it was too late. In a split second his fat smooth moist body was crushed within the jaws of a hungry sea gull. His lifeless body flew upward in the sea gull's mouth.
Once again, survival of the fittest brought normalcy back to the residents of Lake Lily Pad. The story of Freddie the Frog goes to prove that a frog in the throat is often better than a bird in the hand or a can of worms.
Once upon a time there was a baby owl named Aloysius ,Owly for short. He lived in a zoo in New York City with his father and other siblings. His mother had flown the coop before Owly even hatched to join a traveling circus. Owly was an inquisitive little fellow. He often questioned his father who the family considered a WIse old owl about the world outside the zoo. Owly asked" Will I ever be worth two in the bush? Am I up early enough to catch the worm? Will I migrate when I grow up? Why can't I fly South like other birds?" His father responded by saying Owly was just one dumb stupid chick, owlet to be more accurate. "You live in a freakin' cage . Where the hell are you going to fly? " he said to Owly. Owly suffered from insomnia. Perhaps he thought too much about life outside the zoo. He was always tired. He older siblings told him all he needed was a good day's sleep and he would stop having these daymares in the middle of the day. Owly would dream about his notorious gangster uncle, Owl Capone, his great grandfather who was nicknamed the bird man of Owlcatraz, and his favorite iconic hero, Owladdin and his magical lamp. Owly dreamt about going to sea in a beautiful pea green boat with a pussycat who often walked by his cage. He wanted to eat with a runcible spoon instead of chomping down on dead baby mice fed to him by zoo workers. Owly's father hoped Aloysius would be a chip off the old block, wise and respected like himself but realized his son was his own owl. Owly was unhappy being at the bottom of the pecking order and was often teased by his siblings. He was tired of being the receptacle of all the other owl's pellets. So Owly decided to do something to change the way he was treated and spoken to. Owly started a rigid exercise program. He began my lifting weights, working out,running, flying in circles around the cage day and night much to the chagrin of his siblings and father. He soon had bulging muscles on his tiny wings. His beak became much sharper than a razor's edge. His glaring eyes became enormous. He took up boxing as a hobby. No one would dare say a cruel word to him. He never rested except for his meals and his ravenous appetite had zoo workers feeding him live rats to devour. Instead of sitting doing nothing to pass the time like the other owls, he would float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Soon he became an owl respected and admired by all the birds in the zoo. He became known as Muhammed Owly.
The National Motor Corporation,(NMC) has come out with a well deserved lineup of cars for the 2019 year. Unlike cars being named after horses or birds or fish..these new automobiles are named after our lowly protozoa and microscopic friends. I had read about these cars in Consumers Indigestion Magazine.
Introducing the new Amoeba ATP: The stylish new Amoeba with 4 false tires will have drivers moving up and down as well as horizontally. The Euglena XL50 features protoplasmic acceleration, defying laws of physics that enables the vehicle to whip through intersections and zoom around corners.
Perhaps the most luxurious of all the new models is the plush Paramecium Pellicle. The Pellicle is specifically engineered to drive through water with its ciliated adapted tires. Rain or even thunderstorms will never dampen your driving spirit in a Pellicle. Driving through puddles, floods, even lakes and ponds will never prove to be an obstacle. Similarly, the slow gliding Hydra might seem to inch along the road but its well placed tentacles will insure a safe ride even in a hurricane or blizzard.
For the ecological minded crowd, NMC is proud to present the 2019 Fungus Hybrid 450. This horse manured powered car comes standard with a sun roof, moon roof, and a spirogyra engine. This green algae engine produces a whopping 80 miles per gallon.
The newly designed Volvox should not be confused with the 50s and 60s beetles. The Volvox is a spherical shaped vehicle with its electronic flagella propelling it at speeds that would make a drag racing fan envious. The best asset for the Volvox might just be its ease in parking in tight spaces.
Fans of E.Coli and intestinal disorders will love driving the new 4 wheel drive SUV, Macrophage LS. This top of the line limited edition is designed for areas not normally accessible to motor vehicles. Teenagers in your family will enjoy the extra leg room in the custom designed vacuole chamber.
The new Antibody Coupe is ready to make its debut in mid October of 2018 This car has a slime mold exterior that helps resist peeling,scratching,and shedding. This hermaphroditic minivan will take its passengers on fantastic voyages according to NMC spokesman Rah Kel Welsh.
For you Nascar racing fans, don't forget to get your tickets to the Penicillin 500 and remember ....this race is in miles, not milligrams.
"There are times I almost think I am not sure of what I absolutely know...very often find confusion in conclusion ,I concluded long ago. ". A cousin of mine who I hadn't been in touch with for years recently contacted myself and other cousins of mine in New York and Florida. She lives in San Diego. Our maternal grandmothers were sisters. Whether they were called bebe or nana or grandma..all sisters.
Anyway, this San Diego cousin sent me and my "cuzzies", (how I refer to them), a 1931 photograph of our grandmothers. There were 5 sisters ,one of which never had children who lived in Los Angeles, three of them lived in the New York City area and one in upstate NY. My great grandmother and great grandfather are in that 1931 photo too. I recognized my great grandmother from other photos I had seen of her. She passed away when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I had never seen my great grandfather in a photo from among old photos I have put away somewhere from my mother.
Now....here's the confusion or delusion if you prefer. My grandmother was born in 1902 so she'd be about 29 in that old photo. My daughter will be 30 in a few months. My grandmother looks old enough to be her grandmother....at the same age. !!!! . In fact all these 5 sisters in 1931 look like grandmothers..They were wearing heavier coats in the photo so I suppose it was taken in the colder months . I couldn't imagine any of them looking like the scantily clad curvy women of around 30 today in bathing suits. So what gives? Is it the clothes they wore? Is it our genes today that make us look younger? Is it today's modern medicine and nutrition and exercising knowledge that makes us appear younger. ?
Perhaps it's those old black and white photos? No instamatic cameras or those like the Swinger Polaroid camera where the Polaroid roll of film was developed outside the camera. No flash cubes or Magic cubes back then and certainly nobody taking photos with their tablets, Ipads, or call phones. So, I ask? What's the story with these older looking women and men back in those days? Is 70 the new 50 today? Was 30 then, 70 today? My wife is 14 years older than a photo I have of my grandmother when she was 56 and my wife looks 25 years younger than my grandmother.
Is it our perception of people as we get older? It's true that growing up,, kids my age and myself thought anyone over 50 was considered old and over 60..elderly and older than that..ancient and they often looked that way and acted that way too walking with canes, wrinkled like a prune , with obvious missing teeth. My daughter's middle school children think that she's old. OMG. I'm 67. If she's old,then what am I ? "Tis a Puzzlement".
Roller coaster riders have met their match. Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida is delighted to announce the opening of the world's longest sliding pond making its debut this Memorial Day weekend. Move over racing car fans. Tickets can be purchased starting May 1st at "Burning My Ass Off".com. (BMAO.com). Be prepared to delve deep into your bank account to ride this incredible sliding pond. The width of the sliding pond is no wider than 4 feet at any point to insure the safety of the slider by minimizing bouncing off the railing from the very top of the 2,640 foot sliding surface. You read correctly.That's one half mile.. any higher and special oxygen masks would be required increasing the cost dramatically as well as creating the possibility of sea gull accidents. The sliding pond is cylindrical and tubular at critical areas along the route as it descends to prevent falls. Riders will sit in a cushiony pillow sack to reduce friction and protect clothing. As the sliding pond rider gains speed, he or she, will enjoy the centripetal and tangential acceleration forces. As we know from Newton's Second Law,(or don't know), the mass of the slider's body could approach the speed of light and become increasingly large with relativistic effects....BUT no need to worry. Through exhaustive tests and trial runs, top speed on this super sliding pond will go no faster than 150 miles per hour at best. Children younger than 3. adults over 90, and folks taking blood thinners, have air borne allergies, or have acrophobia are advised not to ride on the world's longest sliding pond. All sliders must sign a medical disclaimer before starting their slide plus notify next of kin before they begin. In addition to the world's longest sliding pond, Universal Studios is proud to announce the opening of a new playground area for folks with bipolar disorders with the latest design of elevated "mood swings.".
Last Saturday my wife and I went on a 2 hour sightseeing cruise on the Hudson River in New York. Though we are closer to the lower Hudson area, I had to drive into New Jersey, then a bit North back into New York where we met friends at their home who drove us further upstate using two GPS systems to this area called Newburgh for our exciting cruise. My wife and her female friend both took sea sickness pills an hour before our boat.(.or is it a ship?) began its journey. While part of the tour was a pre-recorded narration, our captain pointed out several sights which I must have missed. He directed us to look out the starboard side..then later the port side. Now I'm no Captain Ahab and know nothing about boating directions.What's wrong with right or left? Either way, I saw nothing but water and hills and grass. Did you see West Point? Yeah. like I saw West Point. Did you see the castle we passed ? What castle? I'd prefer to stop at White Castle for some burgers and onion rings. I never saw the mountains or some tower supposedly used in the 1939 Wizard of Oz movie where the wicked witch lived. Our captain pointed out a barge filled with sand we passed going in the other direction. ..YES. This was the highlight of our sightseeing..for $20 per person which included our senior discount. At least I got to wear my sunglasses. The weather was sunny and we sat on the upper deck for most of our sightseeing cruise. But as far as sightseeing ..I see more sights in my bathtub..and that includes parts of me. We did have some entertainment..some freaky looking guy who kept singing Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary and even Happy Engagement while strumming on his guitar to some couples and individuals celebrating their respective special days on this memorable cruise. At least I didn't end up on Gilligan's Island. I don't think I could stand the boredom I would have encountered for even one day.
We have had the same silverware for over three decades but lately I'm complaining to my wife that our dinner forks are too narrow. Dinner forks have tapered tines used to "spear" pieces of food. Tines are those sharp points at the end of a fork. Who knew? Certain foods like corn or peas and carrots roll off the fork when I try to eat. My wife says I must be crazy in that I just recently started to express discontent about our dinner forks. In my current thinking, we need a salad fork which is a bit wider for a lot of my dinner items.
I think I really need to examine our Sterling silver set of silverware my wife has hidden away somewhere to see if those dinner forks are any wider to see if I'm crazy. At times now, I use a spoon to eat some of my vegetables, much to my wife's displeasure,especially creamed corn or spinach or beans. If we're out with company at a restaurant, the forks never seem to pose a problem but here at home, I have the gut feeling that something is wrong.
I told my wife we should invest in a nice set of sporks: those spoon shaped utensils with short tines at the top. Sporks are used in fast food chains, schools, air line meals, the military, and prisons. YES. In prisons. !!! The way I feel is if a spork is good enough for Bernie Madoff, the Son of Sam, O.J. Simpson, and possibly Bill Cosby, then it's good enough for me. Our reusable set of plastic sporks I ordered should be arriving from the Alcatraz Cutlery Company in San Francisco in a few days.
It was about 50 years ago when I ordered my sea-monkeys kit from the ad on the back of a comic book. I was gullible and naive when I saw the picture of these playful creatures . Sea -monkeys were advertised to give their owners hours of fun. The cute picture of sea-monkeys playing by the beach captured my attention as well as many other boys and girls. For those folks not familiar,sea-monkeys are actually a brand name of brine shrimp. They were sold as novelty aquarium pets and said to be educational while fun to watch them perform tricks .
Lo and Behold.!! Our local post office delivered my sea-monkey kit last week. It was sitting in some room in a dead file of undelivered mail. I live in a different house but same zip code and the efficient postal employees found me. Our postal service came through,albeit five decades late. Anyway, of the dozen or so eggs included in the kit, three sea-monkeys hatched. I call them Iggy, Piggy, and Squiggy.
Sea-monkeys are very tiny creatures.They are just a few millimeters in length. A magnifying glass will help see them much more clearly. Iggy is all female.She loves to swim the backstroke,sit in the sun,(my flashlight).and sip her sea-monkey nutrients. Piggy is a male.He's well endowed by the look of his elongated genitalia. He's a bit heavy,(for a sea-monkey),but swims like Michael Phelps. He's a bit sluggish most of the time and likes to float on a kernel of popcorn I accidentally dropped in the aquarium. Squiggy? I think Squiggy is a rare hermaphroditic sea-monkey with both male and female appendages. Squiggy can jump several inches above the water and loves doing back flips and showing off other aquatic talents.
Our new trio of pets has made a wonderful addition to our home. Even my wife is fascinated by them. They can live up to two years with proper maintenance of the aquarium and diet. Now, I'm hoping our post office can come through again with another package I ordered decades ago. Wouldn't it be exciting if my X-RAY glasses show up in my mailbox tomorrow?
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