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The overcrowding conditions of airplane travel may soon be coming to an end. Cramming as many people into jam packed cabins is just not a way to fly. But a solution to this ultimate squeeze may be just on the horizon. Uncomfortable seating of many flights today offer just 28 inches of seat pack leg room with 18 inches of width. The world is not all Twiggy model shapes. Consumers should not be packed into planes like sardines. The airline industry is about to unveil its expanded comfortable seating plan.
Passengers need not fret over whether they'll have an aisle or window seat nor worry about a bratty toddler banging on the back of a seat. Starting in October of 2018,passengers will be permitted to sit on the airplane's wings. This may sound crazy but it's not. With the laws of scientifically shown centripetal force and aerodynamics in place, riding on an airplane wing is even safer than riding in an Amtrack car. Tests have already been done on hundreds of planes with thousands of volunteers ( mostly death row inmates granted their release). Planes will have a strict limit of 24 winged passengers, twelve on each wing.
These brave volunteers found their flying experience to be,on the most part, quite uplifting. The positive feedback from these passengers included feelings of being peaceful, scenic, and some folks expressed the sensation of like having their heads in the clouds. So starting in October of this year, aside from stand by seating,airlines will offer sit by seating. These passengers will be allowed one piece of standard size luggage and one carry on bag which will be inside the plane in the luggage department.
The Federal Aviation Agency and the National Transit Safety Board has approved these secure winged belts that all winged passengers must wear. These belts have even gotten the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval. Passengers remain firmly in their seats even if the plane is upside down or in a tailspin and are made of a shark repellent material in case the plane is in the water. Passengers can expect to get a shower of hot water or freezing cold hail depending on the season and location of their flight but these are quick and tend to be enjoyable and sexually stimulating. High flying albatross droppings pose the biggest threat in the friendly skies.
These winged passengers will pay about half the normal airfare but sacrifice stewardess service, TV, in flight meals, but most importantly no bathrooms. For winged guests, it is strongly recommended that they don't eat or drink 12 hours before their flight and use a strong enema 24 hours before as a precaution. In addition, the airlines suggest these riders also wear incontinent diapers like Depends or Poise for their own protection . As the altitude at times might exceed 30,000 feet, passengers with asthma, emphysema, and tuberculosis will not be permitted to ride outside the plane either especially over areas like the Himalayas, Alps, Catskills, or Dante's Peak.
So as the dawn of a revolutionary way of travel embarks on its maiden voyages, it will bring less peer pressure, albeit more ear pressure, and the best and quickest sun tan of their lives to the passengers. Up up and away.
In one of the most bizarre crimes in history, a resident of Brighton Beach in Brooklyn, NY has been arrested for trying to drain the Atlantic Ocean. According to police, Dan Monasch, a retired transit worker,owns a home not far from the beach and has been going to the shore for the past several years to collect water. Neighbors of Dan describe him as a loner and an oddball, often seen in early morning hours carrying buckets into his tudor style home. Cops were notified when neighbors called 911 after seeing Dan pushing a wheelbarrow into his garage for several evenings in a row. The police were shocked to find almost every inch of living space in Dan's home with buckets, pails, cans. bowls, glasses, bottles, urns. jars, and canisters, etc. of every shape and size filled with water. There were even 4 large aquariums in the living room filled with water from the beach. The house also had a horrible odor of rotting fish,crabs, and some other smaller crustaceans that Dan had inadvertently carried into his house with the water. Dan is being held at Coney Island Hospital for mental observation while awaiting trial. His lawyer feels that the prosecution's arguments to convict Dan of draining the Atlantic Ocean holds no water. There is just no way to determine how much water is Atlantic Ocean and how much water is rainfall. Dan says he was trying to empty the ocean so he could walk to Europe. When told this would never work in a billion years, Dan felt it was worth a try being retired now with a lot of free time after 30 years as a New York City subway worker. He wishes he owned a bigger home. The worst problem in storing the water Dan said was the mildew that was growing all over the walls in his home and the expense of buying cases of Lysol and Clorox disinfectants.
While working in a local supermarket with my team of merchandisers last week, a bunch of young shoppers came into the aisle. In fact, dozens of small groups of kids, pre-teens I would think were roaming around the store from Camp Weeki Wachee. They weren't just shopping. They were on a Scavenger Hunt...YEAH..A Scavenger Hunt with lists to find items all around the store. They had to navigate around our team members and milk crates and shopping carts and products on the floor. That's what our team does:moves items so customers can't find them or reach them. I happened to glance at the list of one of these Weeki Wachee campers. The list included pancake syrup and flour (which happened to be in the aisle I was in ) and Skippy Peanut Butter and Barilla pasta and some brand of red hot peppers.
Is this what camp activities include these days? going to a supermarket? When I went to day camp eons ago, we had all sorts of outdoor sports, games, swimming,roasting marshmallows, nature walks,etc. If it rained we might go to a movie or go bowling. I realize all camps are different and have different budgets and monies but a scavenger hunt in a supermarket. !!!! We never did that when I went to Robin Hood or Sands Point Day camp. What ever happened to arts and crafts? I still have my wooden ash tray I made one summer. My wife and I still use it to put our smoked weed while in our jacuzzi. Is going to a supermarket so much fun or an educational event?
Now , being familiar with this particular store's layout, I knew finding those red hot peppers would be a task that would be a challenge to even Dora the Explorer. Where would these kids look to find those elusive red hot peppers? I know they were in the aisle near the pickles and olives. I don't eat either. I'll eat almost anything that walks, runs, hops, skips, swims, flies, or slithers. I said Almost. You won't find any insects,spiders, centipedes,or any of their relatives on my grocery list.
Well, a few minutes after this group of campers left my aisle I heard what sounded like glass breaking and soon afterwards an announcement on the intercom for a clean up in aisle 6. I was in aisle 7. Sure enough some camper had knocked over several jars of peppers that lay strewn all over the floor with broken glass everywhere. An older guy who I think was a counselor told the kids to stay away from the jagged pieces of glass. If you're waiting to read about some bloody artery or lawsuit, you're thinking like I did although that didn't happen that day in that aisle. A store employee came over with a wet mop and pail to clean up the mess. There were broken jars of brands of peppers like Mount Olive, B&G,Vlassic, Ortega, mezetta, and Victoria on the floor. The counselor apologized to the store employee for the mess. Suddenly little Johnny held up a jar of Mancini Red Hot Peppers screaming "I got it. Igot it." He would have made Peter Piper proud.
The other afternoon I was in the parking lot of a nearby shopping center where seagulls seem to "hang out". I noticed one seagull standing and freezing its buns off and standing on only one leg, to boot. I felt bad wondering how it lost its other leg, although I'm not too fond of these scavengers who repay me for giving them uneaten Burger King rolls by pooping on my car. But I was still upset seeing this gull standing on one leg and then I noticed many of them standing on one leg as well. Lost by disease or accident or in a fight? Well, I found out that standing on one leg is typical resting behavior in cold weather. .One leg is tucked under the feathers to get warm and then the sea gull switches legs.
This got me thinking about animals with lost limbs. Many animals can actually regenerate body parts. Salamanders, newts, geckos, and tadpoles can regrow their tails, limbs, and even jaws. Even the succulent lobsters can regrow claws, legs, or antennae. Starfish and crayfish also exhibit this regenerating ability. In humans, the liver is the only organ that can grow cells and regenerate itself. Wouldn't it be great if scientists could harness these genetic secrets and wonders of some of these lower organisms and apply them to humans. Imagine someone regrowing a lost arm or leg.
Some scientists believe man of the future will have six fingers. Six fingers some people are born with now have this gene for six fingers which is a dominant gene...genetically speaking. But I don't think the human race is ready for the changes and ramifications and possibilities of people having six fingers. While humans won't be regenerating any more body parts in the foreseeable future, I'm sure we won't hide our sixth finger to keep it warm like the seagull, but lets take a closer look how this affects us.
Food Glorious Food. I always think of food first. With six fingers, "finger lickin good". is a lot more to swallow. It might not take two hands to handle a whopper. The musical industry will need to adapt to the change. Instruments will need to be redesigned. Musical compositions will need to be totally revised, A new breed of prodigies will be performing at Carnegie Hall. Manicurists will be busier than ever. Revlon and Maybelline will be deluged with nail polish orders. An expert masseuse will give better massages than ever before. in sports, more basketball players will be penalized for palming the ball. Baseball gloves will need to be changed ,even a catcher's mitt. this will have enormous repercussions on the leather industry. Tennis racket and golf club grips will require relearning.
Gloves and mittens will open the doors for new manufacturers. The jewelry industry will benefit but it will be confusing. Now where do you suppose the wedding ring finger will be? Brass knuckles need to be altered. Don't forget newly designed writing implements. Computer keyboards? OMG. The entire computer industry might be thrown into chaos. A new class of surgeons will be entering medical school. The digital rectal exam will require more vaseline. The far reaching effects of having six fingers is incomprehensible. I see no easy solution to the problems as humans evolve . Maybe crime will pay. New fingerprinting will have the FBI and CSI agents toiling day and night. There is no end to how society will deal with this anatomical nightmare. I say "Give the finger to the finger".
I don't know what's going on at the bottom...the bottom of my feet,that is, especially my left foot. My big toe there seems to have a sensitive callous on the side and the sole of that foot has a couple of painful callouses or plantar warts. I'm pretty sure it's one or the other,though I really should be seeing a foot doctor to know for sure. I've had these conditions before and they seem to go away eventually after I suffer from bouts of painful walking and standing and even sleeping. I've tried various pads and liquids , most of which contain this salicylic acid which just seems to burn the skin and tears the flesh off all around where I place the drops or pad. The moleskin cushioning I put on seems to help a bit. I am on my feet at work most of the day but I still have some pain at work and again at home and while driving. Anyway, a friend of mine recommended I take an oatmeal bath. She said it's very soothing and will help soften all that hard, dry, irritated skin on the bottom of my feet. ....So, I went to a local supermarket and purchased a few boxes of oatmeal that come in these packets. I bought some Quaker oatmeal on sale and a few flavors including cinnamon and brown sugar, bananas and cream, apples and cinnamon and a variety pack. I also bought something in a can called steel cut oatmeal...whatever the hell that is. Since I was in the oatmeal section in the store, I figured it would be good to try some Cream of Wheat too in case the oatmeal bath didn't help and while I was in a buying mood, I got some instant grits too. Some of these products must help my feet in the bath,for sure, I thought to myself. I took my first oatmeal bath this past Saturday morning, (sugar free cinnamon and brown sugar). I accidentally swallowed a few gulps... DELICIOUS. I hadn't eaten breakfast and this hot oatmeal bath I was sitting in, sure hit the spot. What could be better than breakfast in bed? breakfast in the bath tub. What a novel idea. !!! I did a lot of thinking that Saturday in the bath tub and in my Sunday morning oatmeal bath too ,(banana nut). I am seriously thinking of opening the first "Bath and Breakfast", here in Queens. Bed and Breakfast owners can eat their hearts out. This void, this undiscovered niche that the public is not familiar with, I really think is a great business opportunity. I am not joking. I believe my investment of time and money will be well worth it. I can imagine a chain of Bath and Breakfasts all over the country being extremely lucrative. But I need to make my idea more appealing..Why just oatmeal? I will contact an electrician I know who I'm sure would go 50-50 with me in this ground breaking endeavor. I want him to install some outlets in my bath tub where I can plug in a Keurig machine and a toaster. I can envision it now: my Bath and Breakfast guests dining on toasted blueberry muffins sipping their gourmet coffee while soaking in a hominy grits bath. I can't wait to get started on my ingenious enterprise. Oh...By the way. my feet don't feel any better or softer after my oatmeal bath, but they smell like bananas. . Bagel anybody?
The village of Roslyn on Long Island, NY is buzzing with the excitement of the opening of a brand new museum this Memorial Day weekend. While many folks here on Long Island and in New York City are flocking to the beaches on both the North and South shores, thousands of historians, artists, and salon technicians can't wait to see the exhibits at the new National Fingernail Museum. Some of the oldest fingernails ever collected are on display here including those of George Washington who slept in the village before one of his victorious battles of the Revolutionary War. Many of today's celebrities including Lady Gaga, Johnny Depp, Cher, and politicians including Bill Clinton have had their fingernails authenticated by the curator here at the National Fingernail Museum. A 78 year old man from India has agreed to donate his Guinness Record fingernails on his left hand,(approximately 6 feet each in length) to the museum upon his death. According to the AFS,(American Fingernail Society),fingernails grow at about the rate of one tenth of an inch per month. Pregnant women seem to have an accelerated growth for unknown reasons. Fingernails are made up of layers called keratin. Changes and discoloration often indicate health problems. The National Fingernail Museum has many fingernails from people whose bodies were ravaged by disease we know they died from. For those folks who bite their fingernails, detecting a serious illness in advance becomes much less likely. Fingernail fans of all ages have lined up, many even camping out overnight here in Roslyn to get the first looks at the fingernails on display in this 5 floor exhibit with over 30 rooms of fingernails. One young man who sold his Yankee baseball tickets to a game this weekend said " I'd rather look at famous fingernails any day over watching Aaron Judge strike out." With other museums and historical sites on Long Island, including Oyster Bay's Theodore Roosevelt's home, Roslyn is sure to become a village that attracts attention from folks all over the world. Just be sure to examine any fast food you might be eating at any of the local restaurants here. Word has it that some finger foods aren't exactly what the customers have been ordering.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had some bouts with body lice and if you ever saw him he'd be bathing in some ice. All of the other reindeers only got venereal disease. They never knew poor Rudoplh also was attacked by fleas. Then one stormy Christmas Eve Rudolph ran away. He felt so ashamed that night embarrassed, scorned,and so uptight. Then in some distant forest was heard for miles some hunter's gun. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was now some party's venison. 
GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY. There's a new theater on 42nd Street just off 8th Avenue in Manhattan:the Will Rogers Theater. I recently saw the revival of Mummenschanz there now in previews. I was allowed to bring in my own Swiss cheese sandwich and a Colt 45 (malt liquor-not a gun) into the theater or any food or beverage i wanted. This is an intimate family oriented theater. You are in for a treat when you come here. Aside from the marvelous Broadway plays and musicals to be performed here, this Will Rogers Theater is unlike any theater you've been in.
Can't wait for an intermission for a bathroom break or snack? YES.There will be an intermission . But afraid you'll miss part of the show if nature calls during the performance? Stop worrying. Simply press the red "GTG" button on your seat. The show's director will be notified and stop the show within seconds. All acting and singing and music will cease until the ticket holder or holders press the green "Proceed" button. When no red buttons are on, (by the way the comedian/actor by the same name died in 2006), the show will continue. Being a small intimate theater with about 1200 seats, most often the buttons will always be in the green.
Now this button system may cause some interruptions and might cause delays which is why there is only one performance a day. Ticket holders are told to bring their own lunches, dinners, snacks, and drinks as there is no concession stands, soda or snack machines,water fountains, or phones. This will insure less GTG pressings.
Mummenschanz was delayed for about an hour during a performance in February. An elderly man with ice crystals on his walker needed time to get to the bathroom and back to relieve himself. Another time, a woman with a slow leak caused the audience to wait a half hour and in early March , a well endowed member of a travelling circus at Madison Square Garden needed almost an hour at the urinal. He had more water in him than the Mississippi Delta during high tide.!! Before entering the theater, ticket holders are encouraged to purchase Depend or Poise pads at the Incontinent Stand if they have a weak bladder or over active kidney or enlarged prostate.
These interruptions during the performances are very rare and very brief. So as Will Rogers would say "On with the show", once everyone is back in their seats. Get your tickets now for June performances of Kurt Russell in the sci-fi classic, "The Thing and I,".
In The Tune Of Frosty The Snowman
Flopsy The Snowman used to live in Central Park where the squirrels played and the joggers prayed weren't mugged when it got dark. Flopsy The Snowman was a New York resident and the girls and boys played with all their toys wherever Flopsy went. There must have been some roughage in a kid on Flopsy's lap When Flopsy got up from his bench his snow was filled with crap. Dumpety Dump Dump Dumpety Dump Dump Oh,Flopsy The Snowman was a pigeon's toilet bowl No complaint was heard when a birdie's turd plopped inside it's snowy goal. Flopsy The Snowman had a friend who was a duck and went out to play on a rainy day right by a garbage truck. Flopsy The Snowman didn't feel those tires' crush, By the time he turned he was chopped and churned and is now a frosty slush.
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