A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow Terminal 5 bound for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. 
"Hello", he blurted;"Business trip or vacation?" 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said;"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..." 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked;"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled;"what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained; "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said;"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"It's Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks;"What are you?" 

He says;"I'm a Fireman ???" 

"But you're only wearing a glass jar?", says the woman.

"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

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There once was a vampire called Mabel

Whose periods were incredibly stable

By the light of the moon

and the aid of a spoon

She drank herself under the table.

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Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
 
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
 
Your Ex-Husband
 
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
 
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 Dear Ex-Husband, 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
 
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
 
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
 
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
 
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
 
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
 
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
 
Signed,
 
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. 

Moral of the story: Don't leave in a rush! Check out your options first.

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The Teacher says to her pupils;"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."
 
 
"Dough, D O U G H, Italians make pizza with dough."
 
Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.
 

"Dough, D O U G H, my brother makes things with play dough."
 
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something to add?"

"My mommy says that my daddy doesn't make enough dough and that he's so bad in bed that she uses a dill dough."

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The day finally arrived.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. 

However, the gates are closed and Forrest is approached by the gatekeeper.
 
St.Peter said;"Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
 
Forrest responds;"It sure is good to be here, St.Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
 
St.Peter continued;"Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
 
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
 
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
 
Third: What is God's first name?"
 
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St.Peter, who flags him down, and says;"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
 
Forrest replied;"Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.... That would be Today and Tomorrow."
 
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed;"Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
 
How about the next one?" asked St.Peter.
 
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest;"but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
 
Astounded, St.Peter said;"Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
 
Forrest replied;"Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
 
"Hold it," interrupts St.Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
 
Can you tell me God's first name?"
 
"Sure," Forrest replied;"it's Andy."
 
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St.Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
 
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,"Forrest replied;"I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
 
St.Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said; "Run, Forrest, Run .. !!!"

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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.

He said;"Here, put these on." 

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers" she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband; "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said;"Try these on." 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied; "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter;"he replied" and then reached into his tackle box pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??" 

"Vell," replied Ole;"I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says;"Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole;"Yumpin, Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers;"Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

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You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter;"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed):"Well, Sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer;"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter;"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer;"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The programme went off aire.

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