REMINDER FROM GOD:

Sow Where You Want A Harvest

Genesis 26:12

Then Isaac sowed in that land, and reaped in the same year a hundredfold; and the Lord blessed him.

When you sow apple seeds, you get apples. When you sow seeds of friendship, you get friends. If in the natural, you receive in the area in which you sow, how much more will you receive in the supernatural when God blesses you!

The Bible tells us that when Isaac sowed in the land, he reaped a hundredfold even though there was a famine in that land. (Genesis 26:1) The reason was that “the Lord blessed him”.

So if you are believing God for a breakthrough in a particular area, sow in that area. A brother wrote a note to me at a conference I was preaching at in London. He shared with me how he was one of only two employees promoted in his department and given a substantial increase in his salary despite the economic downturn in England and retrenchment exercise at his workplace. The sum of the increase in his salary was �more than 10 times� what He had sowed into God�s kingdom at the same conference the year before. It could only be the Lord blessing him. And He �is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think�. (Ephesians 3:20)

Whatever money or time you give to the Lord, He will multiply it back to you. For example, you have 24 hours a day like everyone else, but the Lord can make your day very fruitful. And even after doing all that needs to be done, you will find that you still have time left to rest.

Even when you have nothing to give but prayers, your prayers will not return to you void. God can answer them exceedingly above what you have asked. When Job lost everything that he possessed, he prayed for his friends, and the Lord not only restored his losses, but He also “gave Job twice as much as he had before”. (Job 42:10)

So start sowing seeds in the area that you are believing God for, and know that before long, you will be reaping your harvest!


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WORD FOR THE DAY:

 quail • KWAIL • verb
1 : to give way : falter 2 : to recoil in dread or terror : cower

Examples:
Douglas quailed when the dentist told him that he would need a root canal.

"There's an already notorious scene in a bathtub, involving the extraction of toenails, which would send Mary Whitehouse quailing ashen-faced for the exit, if she'd even made it that far." — From a film review by Tom Robey in The (London) Telegraph, November 17, 2011

Did you know?
"Flinch," "recoil," and "wince" are all synonyms of "quail," but each word has a slightly different use. When you flinch, you fail to endure pain or to face something dangerous or frightening with resolution ("she faced her accusers without flinching"). "Recoil" implies a start or movement away from something through shock, fear, or disgust ("he recoiled at the suggestion of stealing"). "Wince" usually suggests a slight involuntary physical reaction to something ("she winced as the bright light suddenly hit her eyes"). "Quail" implies shrinking and cowering in fear ("he quailed before the apparition").


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5 Things You Can Do To Love Your Authentic Self More
 

“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.” Oprah Winfrey
It can be easy to love other people but it’s not always easy to love your authentic self, am I right?
We can be kind and loving towards others but not that kind and loving towards ourselves and that is exactly why I decided to write this post and to share with you some ideas on how to start accepting who you are and how to start to love all of you, the good and the bad.

1. STOP undervaluing your Authentic self

You are not perfect, nobody is and that is perfectly fine, so stop being so harsh on yourself. Start paying close attention to your own thoughts and see whether they serve you or not. Are these thoughts good thoughts, are they kind and loving, are they empowering? If not, let them go and shift your focus from the things you think are wrong with you towards the things that are okay, towards those things that are unique and beautiful. If you don’t know what those things are, go ask a friend and you will soon find out what an incredible being they think you are.

If you continue to look down at yourself, expect others to do the same, because just like William Hazlitt said, “He who undervalues himself is justly undervalued by others.”


2. Cut Yourself some Slack

Don’t be afraid to express yourself, don’t be afraid to speak your mind and don’t be afraid to be who you are and act the way you feel like. The world is full of people who act the way others want them to and not the way they want to … you don’t have to live your life that way.

I can tell you from my own experience the moment you accept yourself completely and the moment you start acting the way you feel like acting, more and more people will be drawn to you and not only you will realize there is so much about you to love, but you will also start projecting this love on to others.

“So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.” – Alan Watts


3. Build the friendship YOU HAVE with yourself

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself and if you don’t work on building and improving this relationship, chances are you will not be too happy. Be kind and loving towards yourself and make an effort to start seeing yourself as your own best friend because the moment you do, you will realize there is no friendship more valuable than the friendship you have with you own self.

What are the things you love to do and what keeps you away from actually doing them? What are the excuses you are using not to do these things? Can you let go of these excuses and start spoiling yourself from time to time? I think you can and I also think you should allow yourself to be happy.

“Friendship with one’s self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” – Eleanor Roosevelt


4. Invest in yourself

Take time to learn and to grow, take time to nurture your dreams and goals, take action and commit to making them happen. By doing so, you will have little or no time at all to waste on stuff that bothers you, and all your focus, energy and attention will be directed towards the improvement of self. If you only do this one step, I promise you, you will be living a very happy and fulfilling life and many of the people around you will admire you and also feel inspired by your actions and behavior.

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley


5. GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

You can’t ignore the role forgiveness plays in all of this. Whether we are talking about others or yourself, it is crucial to understand the power behind forgiveness and why you need to exercise it.

Who are the people you need to forgive and for what? Why is it that you feel you can’t forgive them? Do you realize that by not forgiving them you are in fact not allowing yourself to fully experience life?

A good way would be to regard the people you need to forgive as teachers. This way it will become easier for you to forgive, find the strength to move on and enjoy life. This also applies in situations when you need to forgive yourself for something you have done in the past, because a past mistake has most certainly taught you something valuable, right?

“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means of correcting our misperceptions.” - Gerald Jampolsky
 
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RECIPE:

DELIGHTFUL STRAWBERRY DESSERT

Now is the time to try this wonderful dessert because strawberries are plentiful and delicious.

Serves: 10-12
Prep Time: 0 minutes
Cook Time: 0 minutes
   
 
3 egg whites
1-1/2 cups sugar, divided
3/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 cup Saltine crackers, crushed (about 15 crackers)
1/2 cup flaked coconut
1/2 cup chopped pecans
2 cups whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon unflavored gelatin
1 quart fresh strawberries, sliced

DIRECTIONS:

In a mixing bowl, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Gradually add 1 cup sugar and cream of tartar, beating until stiff peaks form. Gently fold in crumbs, coconut and pecans. Spread onto the bottom and up the sides of a 9-in. pie plate. Bake at 375 degrees for 20-22 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool completely. In a mixing bowl, beat cream, gelatin and remaining sugar until stiff peaks form. Fold in strawberries; pour into shell. Refrigerate for 2 hours.

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Potato Pancakes with Applesauce

These pancakes have a duo personality; they make a hearty breakfast or also serve as a side dish for dinner.

Serves: 8
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 45 minutes

DIRECTIONS
 
4 whole green apples, cut into eighths
2 1/2 cups apple juice
6 red potatoes, peeled and grated
1 onion, peeled and grated
1 egg
10 tablespoons corn oil, divided
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sour cream

DIRECTIONS:

Simmer apples (not peeled, cored or seeded) in apple juice for 30 minutes or until very soft. Drain, reserving the liquid. Push apple through sieve and discard peel and seeds. Simmer liquid to reduce by half and stir into applesauce.
In a large mixing bowl, combine potato and onion. Beat egg with 2 tablespoons of the corn oil and salt; combine with potato mixture.
Pour enough of the remaining corn oil into a saute pan to cover bottom with about 1/16 inch of oil. Heat to very hot but not smoking, and drop potato mixture in by heaping tablespoons. Flatten immediately so pancakes are about 4 inches in diameter (smaller pancakes will burn). Try to keep them neatly round. Fry until golden brown, 3 to 5 minutes, flip and brown other side. Drain on paper towels. Serve with applesauce and sour cream.

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Sweet Potato Dumplings with Honey, Goat Cheese & Thyme

Easy, elegant and absolutely delicious, these savory pastries may be the perfect appetizer.  Better make plenty...these will go quickly.

Serves: 18 pieces
Prep Time: 45 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
 
1 egg
1 tablespoon water
1 medium sweet potato (about 8 ounces), peeled and diced (about 1 cup)
1 small clove garlic, minced
1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme leaves
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
dash freshly ground black pepper
1 package (4 ounces) crumbled goat cheese (about 1 cup)
1 tablespoon honey
1 package (17.3 ounces) Pepperidge Farm® Puff Pastry Sheets, thawed


DIRECTIONS

Heat the oven to 400°F.  Beat the egg and water in a small bowl with a fork.

Stir the potato, garlic, thyme, oil and black pepper in a medium bowl.  Spread the potato mixture on a rimmed baking sheet.

Roast for 30 minutes or until the potato is lightly browned and tender.  Pour the potato mixture into a medium bowl.  Coarsely mash the potato mixture with a fork.  Let the potato mixture cool for 5 minutes.  Stir in the cheese and honey.

Unfold 1 pastry sheet on a lightly floured surface.  Using a round cutter, cut the pastry sheet into 9 (3-inch) circles.  Repeat with the remaining pastry sheet.

Spoon about 1 tablespoon potato mixture in the center of each pastry circle.  Brush the edges of the pastry circles with the egg mixture.  Fold the circles in half over the filling.  Pinch the edges firmly to seal.  Using a sharp knife, cut a small slit in the top of each filled pastry.  Place the pastries onto 2 baking sheets.  Brush the pastries with the egg mixture.

Bake for 20 minutes or until the pastries are golden brown.

Notes: Nutritional Values per Serving using Pepperidge Farm Puff Pastry: Calories 170, Total Fat 12g, Saturated Fat 6g, Cholesterol 17mg, Sodium 220mg, Total Carbohydrate 12g, Dietary Fiber 1g, Protein 4g, Vitamin A 27%DV, Vitamin C 1%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 5%DV

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Carrot Coins

Cooking carrots slowly in the oven brings out their natural sweetness -- and this is one of the best ways to do so we know! This is a delicious vegetable to serve for the holiday.

INGREDIENTS:

4 large carrots, trimmed and peeled
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon dried dill
Salt and freshly ground pepper

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Slice the carrots into 1/2-inch-wide rounds. Heat the oil in an ovenproof frying pan until hot but not smoking over medium-high to high heat. Add the carrots and turn to coat in the oil. Reduce the heat to medium. Add the dill, salt, and pepper and cook for 10 minutes, stirring 4 to 5 times. Remove from the heat, cover tightly with a lid or foil. Put the pan in the oven and let the carrots cook for about 30 minutes or until very tender.

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Salami & Spinach Stromboli

Traditional stromboli recipes are stuffed with tons of mozzarella cheese and Italian cured meats. In this healthy stromboli recipe we fill whole-wheat pizza dough with plenty of spinach and a judicious amount of salami: the results are still delicious. Serve with your favorite marinara sauce on the side for dipping.

5 servings
Active Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes

Ingredients

    1 6-ounce can tomato paste
    2 cloves garlic, minced
    1 pound prepared pizza dough, preferably whole-wheat
    2 ounces thinly sliced salami (about 10 slices)
    1 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
    2 cups chopped baby spinach
    2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

Preparation

    Position a rack in lower third of oven; preheat to 425°F. Coat a large baking sheet with cooking spray.
    Combine tomato paste and garlic in a small bowl. Roll dough out on a lightly floured surface into a rectangle approximately 14 by 10 inches. Spread the tomato paste mixture over the dough, leaving a 1/2-inch border around the edges. Place a layer of salami on the tomato paste; top with cheese and spinach. Starting at a long side, roll the dough into a cylinder. Pinch both ends shut to contain the filling. Using two spatulas, carefully transfer the stromboli to the prepared baking sheet, placing it seam-side down. Brush oil over the stromboli.
    Bake until the crust is beginning to brown, 18 to 20 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes before slicing into 5 portions.

Nutrition

Per serving: 327 calories; 13 g fat ( 4 g sat , 4 g mono ); 23 mg cholesterol; 43 g carbohydrates; 1 g added sugars; 15 g protein; 3 g fiber; 786 mg sodium; 457 mg potassium.
Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin A (35% daily value), Calcium (20% dv), Vitamin C (19% dv).
Carbohydrate Servings: 3
Exchanges: 2 1/2 starch, 1 vegetable, 1 high-fat meat, 1 fat
Total Time
    30 minutes or less
Preparation/ Technique
    Bake
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Triple-Chocolate Brownie Cookies

Our family of chocolate lovers gets triply excited when these cookies come out of the oven. They have the texture and taste of fudge brownies, and the chocolate chip-based drizzle make them look so tempting.

    Prep: 25 min. + chilling Bake: 10 min./batch + cooling
    Yield: 72 Servings


Ingredients

    4 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped
    3/4 cup butter, cubed
    4 eggs
    2 cups sugar
    1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
    1/2 cup baking cocoa
    2 teaspoons baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips, divided
    2 teaspoons shortening

Directions

    In a microwave melt chocolate and butter; stir until smooth. Cool slightly. In a large bowl, beat eggs and sugar. Stir in chocolate mixture. Combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt; gradually add to chocolate mixture and mix well. Stir in 1-1/2 cups chocolate chips.
    Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours or until easy to handle.
    Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 7-9 minutes or until edges are set and tops are slightly cracked. Cool for 2 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.
    In a microwave, melt remaining chips and shortening; stir until smooth. Drizzle over cookies. Let stand for 30 minutes or until chocolate is set. Store in an airtight container. Yield: 6 dozen.

Nutritional Facts 1 serving (1 each) equals 79 calories, 4 g fat (2 g saturated fat), 17 mg cholesterol, 51 mg sodium, 11 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 1 g protein.
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 Old Fashioned Coconut Cream Pie

"This is a tried-and-true, old-fashioned coconut cream pie. Took many years of searching and baking to find the right one and this is it! Enjoy!"

Prep Time: 20 Min
Cook Time: 30 Min
Ready In:  4 Hrs 50 Min
 
Original Recipe Yield 1 9-inch pie
 
Ingredients

    1 cup sweetened flaked coconut
    
    3 cups half-and-half
    2 eggs, beaten
    3/4 cup white sugar
    1/2 cup all-purpose flour
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    
    1 (9 inch) pie shell, baked
    1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed

Directions

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
    Spread the coconut on a baking sheet and bake it, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, about 5 minutes.
    In a medium saucepan, combine the half-and-half, eggs, sugar, flour and salt and mix well. Bring to a boil over low heat, stirring constantly. Remove the pan from the heat, and stir in 3/4 cup of the toasted coconut and the vanilla extract. Reserve the remaining coconut to top the pie.
    Pour the filling into the pie shell and chill until firm, about 4 hours.
    Top with whipped topping and with the reserved coconut.

Nutritional Information open nutritional information
Amount Per Serving  Calories: 423 | Total Fat: 23.5g | Cholesterol: 86mg

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Gel Air Freshener {Smelly Jelly Recipes}

Recipe:
Make Your Own Color & Smell Combinations With These Easy Air Freshener Recipes

2 cups water
4 packages Gelatin (plain)
15 to 20 drops Essential Oil (adjust to personal preference)
1 to 2 TBS salt
Food Coloring

Directions:

    In a small pot, mix 1 cup water, essential oil and food coloring. As soon as it starts to boil, remove from heat.
    Completely dissolve gelatin and salt in the hot water then add the other cup of water (cold)–stir well (gently so it doesn’t foam).
    Pour into jars and set aside for a couple days before using so the gelatin has a chance to completely set (you can refrigerate to speed up the process). Once cooled, cover with lids that have a few holes punched in them to allow fragrance to escape.

The salt in this recipe is used to help combat mold, please make sure to add it.

Alternate Recipe:

    Follow the recipe above but substitute the 2 cups of water and the essential oil with 2 cups of concentrated liquid potpourri. As above, heat 1 cup first with the food coloring, remove from heat, dissolve the gelatin and salt then add the other cup.

Super Smelly Jelly

    3/4 cup boiling water
    1 pkg of 4-serving jelly powder (ie. box of instant Jello)
    1 Tbsp. vodka
    1/4 tsp dish soap
    Essential Oil or Fragrance

Combine & set in a jar with holes poked in the top. The vodka is to help prevent the jelly become moldy.

Optional:
    Add embellishments (embedded items) similar to the gel candles embedded items ideas (listed at the bottom of the page).
    You can layer the colors, simply allow one color to set completely for a few days before pouring the next layer of color.

Jars

    Make sure the jars are completely clean before pouring in the hot liquid.
    You could cover the top with lace or netting instead of jar lids. Tie decoratively with ribbons, raffia, whatever you fancy.
    Any heat proof glass jar will do. Collect jam & jelly jars, mason jars or even baby food jars can be used for the Smelly Jellies.

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JOKES:

 Top 20 Teacher Jokes


Teacher JokesTo end the summer with a giggle, I've compiled and concocted 20 side-splitting (and maybe a little corny) teacher jokes to laugh our way back around to the weekend.

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What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?
Summer!

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Why does the principal keep talking to me about having more “arty eye”? I teach reading, not art.

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Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.

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Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'
Related Articles

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

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Does it count as differentiated instruction if I print their worksheets in different colors?

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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

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What do you call a teacher without students?
Happy

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment!

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Where do door-makers get their education?
The school of hard knocks

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What do you call a teacher without students?
Broke…oh wait, that’s a regular teacher

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Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

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Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, 'What did you learn today?' Kid replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not
Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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~ There is one person in our district who is all about “No Child Left Behind”
~ Who’s that?
~ The bus driver

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What kinds of tests do they give witches?
Hex-aminations

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Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

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The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
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15 Things You’ll Never Hear a Teacher Say
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What is an Island?

TEACHER : What is an island ?
Pupil : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.
TEACHER : On one side ?
Pupil : Yes, on top !

More 1- Liners

Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon

Student: The brain is a wonderful thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!


TEACHER : Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
Pupil : Rotten !

TEACHER : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !

TEACHER : What's your name ?
Pupil : Ravi
TEACHER : You should say "Sir"
Pupil : OK, Sir Ravi !

TEACHER : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil : Life imprisonment !

TEACHER : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil : Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night !

TEACHER : Ravi, can you find me Australia on the map please ?
Pupil : There it is
TEACHER : Now, Ravi, who discovered Australia ?
Pupil : I did !

Pupil : I wished we lived in the olden days
TEACHER : Why is that ?

TEACHER : What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
Pupil : Jailbirds !

TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil : Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil : Twins !

TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

TEACHER : I despair, Ravi, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day ?
Pupil : Because I always get here early sir !

TEACHER : What do we do with crude oil ?
Pupil : Teach it some manners !

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The Procrastinators' Creed

    I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
    I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
    I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
    I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
    I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
    I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
    I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
    If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
    I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
    I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
    I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
    I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
    I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
    I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

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 School Dress Code Jokes

submitted by TeacherPlanet Memeber

The dress code at our school is simple
if you're not taken for one of the teachers, you're in trouble.

Our school has a strict dress code.
The only time we can dress the way we like is on Halloween.

We have a very simple dress code at our school.
Anything that's comfortable or looks cool is illegal.

We have a very strict dress code at our school.
Yesterday my lunch was punished because they said the brown paper bag it came in was offensive.

Our school has a very strict dress code.
Laced shoes, pressed trousers, shirt and tie and that's just the girls.

Our school adopted such a strict dress code that the first week,
three of the teachers were kept after school.

My parents are very relaxed.
I can wear anything I want provided I don't leave the house.

Our school has a simple rule as a dress code.
If your parents wouldn't wear it, then you can't.

One kid in our class is a real sloppy dresser.
He tried to give some of his old clothes to Good Will. They gave them back.

One kid wears clothes that have so many rips,
he can clip his toenails with his shoes and socks still on.
 
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 The Murphy Twins

submitted by Thom Gustafsson

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
 
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Principal is a Dummy!

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes, Etc

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

Do You Want to Be Made Well?

"Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-

eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he

already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him,

'Do you want to be made well?"1

You may have heard the story (a fable to be sure) about the

father who knocks on his son's door. "Jaime," he says, "wake up!"

Jaime answers, "I don't want to get up, Papa."

The father shouts, "Get up, you have to go to school." Jaime

says, "I don't want to go to school." "Why not?" asks the father.

"Three reasons," says Jaime. "First, because it's so dull; second,

the kids tease me; and third, I hate school." And the father says,

"Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to

school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are

forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster."

When I ask people in seminars how many believe that God has

a life-purpose for them, most raise their hand. But when I ask

how many know what it is, only a few have any idea what it

might be, and even fewer have clearly defined it. Most say they

want to know what it is but don't diligently seek God to

discover what it is.

Many people say they want to overcome their problems too, but

are not prepared to do their part to make it happen. Even the

best psychologists will tell you that "people don't really want to

be cured. What they want is relief; a cure is too painful." One

surgeon said that many patients who come to him with a

problem would rather that he operate on their body than they

operate on their lifestyle, and that only about 25 percent of his

patients accept responsibility for their wellness.

Jesus didn't say, "Do you wish to be made well, but rather, do

you want to be made well?" To be made well needs to be more

than a wish. It needs to be a true desire, with determination and

commitment to do what one has to do to get well. As a Chinese

proverbs puts it, "Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only

wishes."

Do you want to get well … to achieve something worthwhile

with your life … to become happy and fulfilled … and to go to

Heaven when you die? Or do you just wish all these things?

Remember that wishes don't make it. If you truly want to go to

Heaven be sure to read the article, "How to Be Sure You're a Real

Christian" at: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please give me the want to get

well in every area of my life, and reveal to me any areas of

resistance so I can deal with these issues, and accept full

responsibility for my wellness. Thank you for hearing and

answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. John 5:5-6 (NKJV).

**********************************************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

 orectic aw-REK-tik , adjective:
Of or pertaining to desire; appetitive.

This, at any rate, would follow from the assumption that he

believed us to be persons by reason of physical existence, of the

soul's faculties, and of that blending of the reason with the

orectic soul which we call will.
-- John Addington Symonds, The Aristotelian System

As well as alethic values, such as truth, there are orectic values,

which are possessed by desires, hopes, fears, etc.
-- N. M. L. Nathan, Review of "The Good and the True,"

Philosophy and Phenomenological Research, Vol. 55, No. 2

They bandied confidences, were reckless with intimacies. They

were erudite and sensual about the orectic, the synchronous.
-- Guy Davenport, Tatlin!

Orectic is derived from the Greek word orektikós meaning

"appetitive."

**********************************************

CRAFT  -  MAKE T- SHIRT PILLOWS

T-Shirt Pillows: Dress Up a Dorm

Mini throw pillows—covered with recycled T-shirts—bring a

touch of home to dorm room decor.
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ServicesShare

Materials
Set of T-Shirt Pillows.

Recycle old or outgrown T-shirts from sports teams, fun runs,

clubs or music camps, and stuff with small amounts of

fiberfill. Photography by Grace Natoli Sheldon/RDA-MKE.

    T-shirt, washed and pressed
    Quilter's ruler
    Rotary cutter with cutting mat
    Standard sewing supplies
    Polyester fiberfill
    Compass (for round pillows)

Instructions

    Place T-shirt, right side out, facing up on cutting mat.
    Using rotary cutter and quilter’s ruler, cut out the shirt’s

graphic, leaving about 3-1/2 in. on all sides and cutting

through both front and back layers of shirt. (For a circular

pillow, use a compass to draw the cutting outline.)
    Place front and back pieces right sides facing and pin in

place.
    Using a straight stitch and 1/2-in. seam allowance, sew

along edges of pinned pieces. Leave a 3-in. opening for

turning.
    Turn right side out and stuff with fiberfill. Stitch opening

closed.

 
*********************************************
RECIPE:

Shrimp Marinated in Lemon and Olive Oil

Active Time:  10 Minutes
Total Time:  10 Minutes
Yield:  Serves 4

You'll want to gobble up these succulent morsels immediately,

but patience will be rewarded; the shrimp taste better the longer

they sit in the marinade. Leave them for a couple of hours, if

you have the time.


INGREDIENTS
1 pound large shrimp, in their shells
3 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tomato, seeded and cut into 1/4-inch dice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley


DIRECTIONS
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the shrimp,

cover, and bring back to a boil. Continue boiling, partially

covered, until the shrimp are just done, 1 to 2 minutes. Drain.

Let the shrimp cool and then peel them.

In a large glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the lemon juice

with the olive oil, tomato, salt, pepper, and parsley. Add the

shrimp and toss.

Variations
*Substitute a pound of sea scallops for the shrimp. Heat one

tablespoon of oil in a large nonstick frying pan over

moderately high heat until very hot. Season the scallops with

one-eighth teaspoon salt. Put the scallops in the pan and sear

until brown on the bottom, one to two minutes. Turn and

brown on the other side until just done, one to two minutes

longer. Remove the scallops and cut them into quarters. Toss

with the marinade.
*Spice up the dish by adding one-quarter teaspoon dried red-

pepper flakes to the marinade.
*Use chopped fresh basil instead of the parsley.
*For an extra flavor dimension, add a clove of minced garlic to

the marinade.


Variations

*Use halved and pitted olives in addition to or instead of the

capers.
*Add a sprinkling of chopped fresh basil.
*Toss in a chopped tomato.
*Use three chopped anchovy fillets instead of the paste.
*Add a small can of drained tuna.

**********************************************

Grilled Shrimp with Mango Salsa
   
Active Time:  15 Minutes
Total Time:  2 Hours 15 Minutes
Yield:  Serves 4-6

Perfect for a hot summer night, this tropical dish partners

grilled seafood with the exotic sweetness of mangoes and the

punch of cilantro. Although mangoes are native to India, they

came to the New World via Brazil in the 1700s, and are now

widely available all over Mexico. The salsa complements fish or

chicken as well.


INGREDIENTS
2 cups olive oil
8 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
Juice of 2 limes
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 pounds large shrimp, peeled and deveined (20-24 shrimp)
For the Salsa:
2 ripe mangoes
6 green onions, including tender green tops, thinly sliced
2 fresh jalapeno chili peppers, stemmed, seeded (if desired) and

finely diced
1/4 cup coarsely chopped fresh cilantro
Juice of 2 limes
1 teaspoon salt

Lime wedges, optional
   

DIRECTIONS
In a frying pan over medium heat, warm the olive oil. Add the

garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until soft, 3-5 minutes.

Remove from the heat, pour into a shallow non-aluminum dish

and let cool. Add the lime juice, salt and pepper. Mix well.
Using bamboo skewers, thread 4 or 5 shrimp onto each skewer,

passing the skewer through points near both the head and tail

sections of each shrimp. Place the skewers in the olive oil

mixture, turning to coat evenly. Cover and let marinate in the

refrigerator for at least 2 hours or up to 12 hours.


FOR THE SALSA:
Peel each mango and cut the flesh from the pit. Cut into 1/4-

inch dice and place in a bowl. Add the green onions, chilies,

cilantro, lime juice and salt. Stir to mix, cover and refrigerate

for at least 30 minutes before serving.
Prepare a fire in a charcoal grill.
When the fire is hot, place the skewers on the grill rack about 3

inches from the coals and grill, turning once, until the shrimp

turn pink and are opaque throughout, about 3 minutes per

side.

TO SERVE:
Arrange a bed of salsa on each plate and top with a skewer of

shrimp, or remove the shrimp from each skewer and arrange

atop the salsa. Garnish with lime wedges, if desired, and serve.

**********************************************

Grilled Mixed Veggies

Yield:  Serves 4

Served as a side dish or main course, a quick sear or slow roast

adds caramelized flavor to the season's finest produce.

INGREDIENTS
1 large sweet onion, sliced into 1/4-inch rings
2 organic peppers (red, orange or yellow), seeded, cored and cut

in half
4 portabella mushrooms, stems removed
2 zucchini trimmed, sliced lengthwise into 1/4-inch planks
2 yellow squash, sliced lengthwise into 1/4-inch planks
1 pound asparagus spears, ends trimmed
1 cup olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette dressing
1 teaspoon each thyme, oregano and basil
Salt and pepper, to taste
Grill basket
   

DIRECTIONS
Combine first 6 ingredients in a bowl. Add vinaigrette, herbs,

salt and pepper; mix well. Marinate for 1 hour or overnight in

refrigerator.
Prepare a medium-hot fire in grill.
Place vegetables in grill basket (reserve marinade) and grill for

15 minutes, stirring 2 or 3 times. Place veggies on a platter

and serve with extra marinade. If you don’t have a grill basket,

the vegetables may be cooked directly on the gril

**********************************************

Molasses Cookies

Yield:  24 3-inch cookies

The blacker the molasses, the better the cookie.

INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon shortening
1 stick margarine, melted
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup black strap molasses
1 egg
1/2 cup milk
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
   
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Grease 2 cookie sheets with shortening and set aside. Combine

margarine, sugar, molasses, egg, and milk. Beat until well

mixed.
Sift together flour, cloves, ginger, cinnamon, salt, and baking

soda. Add dry mixture to molasses mixture 1/2 cup at a time,

mixing well after each addition.
Drop by tablespoons onto cookie sheets and bake for 10

minutes. Cool on wire racks.

**********************************************

Greek Meatloaf with Tomato Sauce

Leftover meatloaf makes great sandwiches.

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour to 1 hour and 10 minutes


INGREDIENTS:
 
2 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon olive oil
3 medium-size cloves garlic, chopped
2 (11-ounce) cans Italian plum tomatoes, drained, seeded and

coarsely chopped
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1 tablespoon honey
2 pounds very lean ground beef, (90% lean, if possible)
1 medium-size onion, finely chopped
1 egg
1/2 cup fresh whole wheat bread crumbs, (about 1 slice bread)
1/2 cup chopped parsley
1 tablespoon fresh chopped oregano, or 1 teaspoon dried oregano
salt
freshly ground pepper

DIRECTIONS:

Heat 1 teaspoon oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat.

Add I clove of garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add the tomatoes

and cook for about 5 minutes. Add the vinegar and honey and

simmer for 20 to 25 minutes until thickened. Season to taste

with salt and pepper.
Meanwhile, heat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly combine the

remaining ingredients, 1 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of

pepper, being careful not to mash the meat, and pack the

mixture into a loaf pan. Bake for 30 minutes. Spread the

meatloaf with a little more than half of the tomato mixture and

bake for another 30 minutes.
Bring the remaining tomato mixture back to a simmer. Slice

the meatloaf and serve the tomato sauce on the side.

**********************************************

Black Forest Chocolate Mousse

There is one word for this dessert---delicious!

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes

 
1 1/4 cups whipping cream
1 can (16 1/2 ounces) pitted Bing cherries, in heavy syrup
1 1/2 tablespoons kirsch, (cherry brandy)*
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, (3 ounces)
Grated semisweet chocolate, for garnish (optional)
mint sprigs, for garnish (optional)


DIRECTIONS:

In deep, 2-quart bowl, whip cream to form stiff peaks. Spoon ½

cup of the whipped cream into a small bowl, cover, and

refrigerate. Set aside the remaining whipped cream.

Thoroughly drain cherries in strainer, reserving 1/4 cup of

syrup. Transfer the syrup to a small saucepan and add the

kirsch. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat and cook for 5 to

8 minutes or until reduced to about 1/4 cup. Put the chocolate

chips in the container of blender. Pour the hot syrup over the

chocolate. Blend until smooth. Scrape down the sides of the

blender with a rubber spatula as necessary. Scrape the chocolate

into the reserved whipped cream. Fold just until the streaks

disappear. Fold in the cherries, reserving 4 cherries for garnish.

Cover and refrigerate 2 to 6 hours. Spoon into 4 stemmed

dessert glasses. Dollop with whipped cream and garnish with

remaining cherries, grated chocolate, and mint sprigs. *Note:

You can eliminate kirsch and use a total of 1/3 cup syrup from

cherries, bring to a boil and reduce to ¼ cup.

*******************************************

JOKES:

 Redneck Christmas
   
The Night Before a Redneck Christmas
      

    It was the night before Christmas,
            and all through the trailer park,
            not a pop-top was poppin',
            not even Ole Blue barked.
          

            Our stockin's was hung
            over the space heater with care,
            in the hopes that Santy
            would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
                            
            The kids was asleep
            in their NASCAR pj's,
            Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
            Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
                            
            And Earlene in her curlers
            and me in my Earnhardt cap,
            had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
            for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
                            
            Then out in the vacant lot
            I heart such a commotion,
            I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
            finally got his T'bird in motion.
                            
            I heaved out of my recliner
            and to the window I flew,
            Busted out the screen
            and hollered to Ole Blue.
                            
            The moon was shinin down
            on my old wrecked cars,
            so bright they was sparklin'
            like rusty old stars.
                            
            And I couldn't believe
            by own hardworkin' eyes,
            when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
            come flyin' through the sky!
                            
            Faster'n Ole Ironhead
            his possums they came,
            and he whooped and hollered
            and called 'em by name:
                            
            "Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
            Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
            On Blackie! On Queenie!
            You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
                            
            "To the top of the satellite dish!
            To the top of the shed!
            Now move it n' Step on it!
            Ya'll get out the lead!"
                            
            You know how on our old road
            whenev'r a car goes by,
            there's all this dirt
            that flys up into the sky?
                            
            That's how this crew
            went straight on up to my roof,
            with that pickup full of toys,
            a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
                            
            Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
            I heerd up on the tin,
            the scrabbling around
            of them flying possums of his'n.
                            
            I yanked my head back in the trailer
            and hitched up my shorts,
            Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
            with a grunt and a snort!
                            
            He was dressed in red-and-green camo
            from his neck to his feet,
            and I had to give him credit
            he still had most of his teeth.
                            
            Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
            slung on his back,
            There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
            an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
                            
            When he winked his eye
            I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
            why, he just might even
            leave me some ammo tonight!
                            
            I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
            while I watched him work,
            then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a

burp.
                            
            He topped off our stockin's
            with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
            then squoze up that dryer vent
            like Spam in your pocket.
                            
            He jumped in his pickup,
            laid down on the horn,
            And I'm not lyin',
            they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
                            
            But I heerd him holler
            as he headed for the 7-11,
            "Merry Christmas to all!
            And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

**************************************************

 I'd never Say...

       
Things a Redneck Would Never Say...

    "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

    Duct tape won't fix that.

    Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

    Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

    We don't keep firearms in this house.

    Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

    You can't feed that to the dog.

    I thought Graceland was tacky.

    No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

    Wrasslin's fake.

    Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

    We're vegetarians.

    Do you think my hair is too big?

    I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

    Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

    Who's Richard Petty?

    Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

    Deer heads detract from the decor.

    Spitting is such a nasty habit.

    I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

    Trim the fat off that steak.

    Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    The tires on that truck are too big.

    I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

     I've got it all on a floppy disk.

    Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    Would you like you fish poached or broiled?

    My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

    I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

    Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

    Checkmate.

    She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

    Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

    Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

    I don't have a favorite college team.

    Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

    I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

    Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

    Elvis who?

 

**************************************************

Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE

        Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the

gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
        When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the

largest tires always has the right of way.
        Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
        When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it

is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
        Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially

when driving.
        Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids

can fit in.
        Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
    Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never

be a hand-me-down item.
    If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change

the sheets.
    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job

that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming

work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can

accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when

using this method.
DINING OUT

    Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,

their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

    Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared

by a taxidermist.

    Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how

good his manners are.

    If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency

to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)
    Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on

the first date.
    Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've

been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the

men's bathroom wall two years a go."
    If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a

bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that

the date will end in frustration.
   
 
THEATER ETIQUETTE

        Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

immediately after the movie has ended.
        Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests

have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

        Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
        Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
        When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter

how hot it is.
        A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost

effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
        For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a

cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty

appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes

for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

        Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press

charges.
        Always identify people in your yard before shooting at

them.
        Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone

else's car.
        It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
        Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,

it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
        The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,

especially if other people are around.
        Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

************************************************

New Thoughts

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,

you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and

dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do

they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID

that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical

situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand

around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his

walkman?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear

earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales

look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog

horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a

running child?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are

already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush

hour?

************************************************

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am

forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is

the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining

the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another

houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving

around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,

must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust

and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself

to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors

with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours

of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless

body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,

and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and

condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not

working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no

good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time

however it included a burning foamy chemical called

"shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My

only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my

teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their

accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.

However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the

glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that

my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn

what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and

maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more

than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on

the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered

their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and

speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every

move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his

safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

*******************************************

Why are Standard Railroad tracks 4 feet 8.5 inches wide?

This one is just too good: Here is a look into the corporate mind

that is very interesting, educational, historical and completely

true. The Canada and US standard railroad gauge (distance

between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly

odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way

they built them in England, and the US railroads were built

by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like

that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people

who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they

used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who

built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used

for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel

spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the

wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance

roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance

roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for

their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts

in the roads? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match

for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by

Roman war chariots.

Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they

were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States

standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the

original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time

you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's

backside came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the

Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to

accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the

answer to the original question. Now the twist to the

story..............There's an interesting extension to the story

about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space

Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster

rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are

solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol

at their factory at Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to

make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by

train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from

the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The

SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly

wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as

wide as two horses' behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's

most advanced transportation system was determined over two

thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Backside! Think

about it !!
 
*******************************************

Children Books that will never be published

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild

Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say

God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your

Elementary School"

"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

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 God is Enough

Let’s face it–anxiety or worry have no advantages!  They ruin

our health, rob us of joy, and change nothing!  Our day stands

no chance against the terrorists of the Land of Anxiety.

But Christ offers a worry-bazooka.  Remember how He taught

us to pray?  “Give us this day our daily bread. Matthew 6:11” 

This simple sentence unveils God’s provision plan:  live one

day at a time.

Worry gives small problems big shadows.  Corrie ten Boom

said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties

today of its strength.”   And Romans 8:28 affirms: “Every

detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something

good.”

Most anxiety stems, not from what we need, but from what we

want.  Philippians 4:4 says, “delight yourselves in the Lord,

yes, find your joy in Him at all times!”

If God is enough, you’ll always have enough!

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes, Etc

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

The Scorpion and the Frog

"Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil."1

You've no doubt read the old fable about the scorpion and the frog. It illustrates how man's nature is much more devious and controlling than is his logic.

The fable says how, "One day a scorpion arrived at the bank of a river he wanted to cross, but there was no bridge. He asked a frog that was sitting nearby if he would take him across the river on his back. The frog refused and said, 'I will not, because you will sting me.'

"The scorpion replied, 'It would be foolish for me to sting you because then we would both drown.'

"The frog saw the logic in the scorpion's words, and agreed to carry the scorpion across. But when they were halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The stunned frog asked, 'Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!'

"The scorpion replied, 'Because I'm a scorpion … and that's what scorpions do.'"

Have you ever noticed that God is not concerned about being "politically correct?" Sad to say some people today are more concerned about being "politically correct" than they are about being "biblically correct." They change the name of sins to justify people's sinful behavior. They do this because they are more concerned about the approval of man than they are about the approval of God. To God, sin—all sin—is sin by whatever name we call it, and all sin is ultimately self-destructive regardless of how we seek to justify it.

Furthermore, God's Word reminds us that no matter how good, how noble, how educated, how refined, or how sophisticated we may be, we are all sinners.2 Like the leopard that cannot change its spots neither can we change our nature. We are not sinners because we sin, but rather, we sin because we are sinners. That's our nature and that's why we need God's salvation to save us from the eternal consequences of our sin—which is eternal separation from God for all eternity in the place the Bible calls hell.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for providing a way of escape from the eternal consequences of my sinful nature in that you gave your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross in my place to pay the punishment for all my sins. Help me to be certain that I am a true Christian, and that I have received your gift of forgiveness and eternal life. And dear Jesus, because you died for me, please help me to live for you always in all ways. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."


And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:      -   Matthew 3:16
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WORD FOR THE DAY:

    gainsay
    audio pronunciation
    gayn-SAY

    DEFINITION

verb
1
: to declare to be untrue or invalid
2
: contradict, oppose

    EXAMPLES

There is no doubt that their work makes a useful contribution, but it does not provide enough evidence to gainsay the conclusions of earlier scholars.

"And there was something childlike about Griffith, too, even in his Matlock days, as a deceptively sharp 'simple country lawyer,' a big-kid boyishness that did not mask his intelligence or gainsay his authority." — From an obituary for Andy Griffith in the Post & Courier (Charleston, South Carolina), July 7, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?

You might have trouble figuring out "gainsay" if you're thinking of our modern "gain" plus "say." It should help to know that the "gain-" part is actually related to "against"—specifically the Old English word for "against": "gean-." From that came Middle English "gain-," which was joined with "sayen" ("say") to form "gainsayen," the Middle English predecessor of "gainsay." So when you see "gainsay," think "say against" — that is, "deny" or "contradict."

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 Growing Up to Your Highest Potential

Despite your chronological (or numerical) age, it's quite normal to feel like you still need to grow up in certain areas of your life. Whether you're feeling disconnected in your relationship, your career seems mundane and unrewarding, or your spiritual life is unfulfilling, you can begin to take the steps to "grow up" to your highest potential in any part of your life you choose to work on. Many adults will ask themselves (or someone close to them) -- sometimes in jest -- "What do I want to do or be when I grow up?" If this rings a bell, it may be a comment that's more grounded in reality than you think.

In my new book Stage Climbing: The Shortest Path to Your Highest Potential, I explain that there are a variety of reasons why individuals often get off the path to reaching an optimal level of maturity in certain life areas. It may be fear, anxiety, or self-doubt that's preventing you from making the most of a given part of your life, but as soon as you allow yourself to be aware that it's time to make changes, these inner conflicts no longer need to control your life.

Here are some first steps to jump-starting your maturation process in any part of your life where this dilemma sounds familiar:

Asking questions: Begin by asking yourself what part of your life could be better? In which area could you feel happier or be more motivated? In which area do you feel like you have not yet fully "grown up"? As you bring these questions to mind, notice what part of your life seems most important to address first. By simply comparing what your life is now to what it could be, you have taken a very powerful first step toward reaching your potential.

Focus on yourself: Notice how the expectations of others are affecting you. Are you doing what's best for you or what someone else thinks or says is best for you? Without strong reasons to change something that's no longer working in your life that are truly your own, the motivation for you to change may not be there.

Take initiative: Ask yourself what you could do to take some definite initiative. This may be something you can do on your own, like updating your resume, for example, or perhaps one where it's necessary to get some help. Mentors, support groups, coaches, and therapists are great resources when stuck in trying to take initiative to move forward in one or more specific areas of your life. Remember to think of whatever steps you come up with, as the first in that journey to reaching your highest potential.

Take responsibility: Stop blaming others for where you are in your life. Forgive parents, partners, bosses, ex-spouses and lovers or colleagues for the ways in which you believe they have contributed to your stuck feeling. Most importantly, forgive yourself for your role in not being where you want to be in your life. With your acceptance of yourself and anyone else you may blame, you'll feel empowered to move forward toward living a life where your passions and happiness are in your hands.

Don't settle: Give yourself full permission to strive for the fulfillment you are seeking. Certain thoughts or attitudes can make it difficult to move forward. Staying in a relationship or a job because you believe you don't deserve better or are incapable of changing will almost certainly hold you back from living according to your true passions.

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RECIPE:

Sweet Potato Salad

A nice spin on the traditional potato salad. A perfect side for the winter holidays!

Prep Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 30 minutes
Servings: 4 Servings

Ingredients

    2 Large Sweet Potatoes (about 2 pounds)
    1/4 Cup Mayonnaise
    1/4 Cup Greek Yogurt
    1/4 Cup Scallions, diced (about 4)
    1 Red Pepper diced
    2 Tablespoons Chives, minced
    1 Orange zest only
    1 Teaspoon Apple cider vinegar
    1/2 Teaspoon Paprika
    1 Pinch Salt and pepper
    1 Dash Hot sauce

Directions

    1Peel sweet potatoes and cube them into 1/2 inch cubes. Add them to salted boiling water and boil until they are tender, about 15 minutes.
    2Drain potatoes and let them cool slightly.
    3Meanwhile, dice other veggies and add to a bowl with mayo and greek yogurt. Mix well.
    4Season with paprika, apple cider vinegar, orange zest, and a dash of hot sauce.
    5Stir in the cook sweet potatoes and season with salt and pepper.
    6You can serve this at room temperature but I thought it was better chilled.

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Bonacker Style Clam Fritters

Yield:  About 16 fritters

Bonacker is the name given to natives of the East Hampton, Long Island. Craig Claiborne, longtime food editor of the New York Times, lived near Round Swamp Farm in East Hampton and was a great fan. He tirelessly sought out authentic American cooking and in 1976 called this recipe “Americana, pure and simple”.

INGREDIENTS
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoon baking powder
2 eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/3 cup clam juice (reserved from clams)
1/4 cup milk
1 tablespoon melted butter
Pinch cayenne
2 tablespoon fresh parsley, finely chopped
4 dozen cherrystone clams, shucked, drained, and coarsely chopped
salt and freshly ground black pepper
vegetable oil
   

DIRECTIONS
Sift together flour, baking soda, and baking powder in a mixing bowl. Whisk in eggs, lemon juice, clam juice, milk, butter, and cayenne, whisking until batter is smooth. Add parsley and clams, then season with salt and pepper. Mix well.


Add vegetable oil to a heavy skillet, to a depth of 1/8-in. and heat over medium heat. When the oil is hot but not smoking, spoon about 2 tablespoon of clam batter for each fritter into the hot oil. (Work in batches and avoid crowding the pan.) Fry until golden on one side, then turn fritters and continue frying about 2 minutes more. Drain on paper towels. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

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Marinated Beef
Marinated Beef
Ingredients

2 lb. boneless sirloin
1 ½ cups rice wine vinegar
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
½ cup molasses
1 ½ tsp. red pepper flakes
3 tbsp. fresh lime juice
2 tbsp. sesame oil
2 tbsp. soy sauce
1 bag of mixed greens   

Do you have a beef with boring salads? If so, you'll love this bed of greens topped with a kickin' serving of steak. For meat that melts in your mouth, enjoy this favorite.


Methods/steps

In a non-reactive pot combine all ingredients except beef. Heat until warm to touch. Pour mixture over beef; cool. Cover and refrigerate for 24 hours. When ready to serve, slice thin and serve rare beef slices over salad.


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Deluxe Sauteed Shrimp

Makes 2 servings

Sometimes it's OK to be shellfish, especially when you're preparing this deluxe sauteed shrimp. If you want a a seafood dish with plenty of appeal, you will find it in this recipe that is shrimply irresistible. Serve it up tonight!

Ingredients
        3-4 Roma or regular tomatoes diced
        1 tsp. oil
        5 scallions, chopped
        2 cloves garlic, minced
        2/3 cup celery, chopped
        1 tsp. lemon pepper herb combo
        1 cup shrimp
        10 stuffed green olives, sliced
        2 tsp. fresh parsley
        ¼ tsp. dill weed

Methods/steps
Prepare tomatoes, set aside. In large skillet, over medium heat, sauté scallions, garlic, and celery for 3 minutes, but keep it crisp. Add pepper, shrimp, olives, parsley, and dill. When well combined, add tomatoes and cook until all ingredients are hot.

Additional Tips:

Ready in               15 min
Cooking Method   Sautée
Difficulty             Easy

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Grilled Mixed Veggies
   
 Yield:  Serves 4

Served as a side dish or main course, a quick sear or slow roast adds caramelized flavor to the season's finest produce.

 INGREDIENTS
1 large sweet onion, sliced into 1/4-inch rings
2 organic peppers (red, orange or yellow), seeded, cored and cut in half
4 portabella mushrooms, stems removed
2 zucchini trimmed, sliced lengthwise into 1/4-inch planks
2 yellow squash, sliced lengthwise into 1/4-inch planks
1 pound asparagus spears, ends trimmed
1 cup olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette dressing
1 teaspoon each thyme, oregano and basil
Salt and pepper, to taste
Grill basket
   
DIRECTIONS
Combine first 6 ingredients in a bowl. Add vinaigrette, herbs, salt and pepper; mix well. Marinate for 1 hour or overnight in refrigerator.
Prepare a medium-hot fire in grill.
Place vegetables in grill basket (reserve marinade) and grill for 15 minutes, stirring 2 or 3 times. Place veggies on a platter and serve with extra marinade. If you don’t have a grill basket, the vegetables may be cooked directly on the grill.

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Easy Seafood Gumbo


At a glance

Cooking Method  Sautée

Difficulty  Moderate
Course/Dish  Fish and Seafood

Serves  6

If you've thought about making your own gumbo but never got around to it, this is a great version to try. You won't need to go to New Orleans for authentic seafood gumbo anymore... you can prepare it in your own kitchen! Let the good times roll.

Ingredients
    1/2 cup flour
    3/4 cup butter
    3 onions, chopped
    2 stalks celery, chopped
    1 lb. okra (may be frozen), chopped
    1 lb. kielbasa sausage, chopped
    3 16-oz. cans diced tomatoes
    1 quart fish stock
    1 cup beef broth
    4 bay leaves
    4 cloves garlic, chopped
    1 tsp. each red and black pepper
    1/2 oz. thyme
    2 lb. fish pieces
    1 lb. each shrimp and oysters, with oysters’ juices
    Chopped green onions, for garnish   

Methods/steps
1. Combine flour and butter for roux. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until flour turns coffee-colored, about 30-40 minutes. If you see little black specks in roux, it is burned and you need to start over.
2. Sauté onions, celery and kielbasa until vegetables are translucent.
3. Add tomatoes, stock, broth and spices; simmer 10 minutes.
4. Add fish; cook 5 minutes.
5. Add oysters and shrimp; simmer 5 minutes.
6. Serve over steamed white rice.

Additional Tips
The only hard part of this recipe is the time it takes to make the dark roux.

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JOKES:

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

**************************************************

DEAR GRANDSON

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

PS The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

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YOU GOTTA KISS A LOT OF FROGS
undefined(before you meet the handsome prince)

A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts," he thought, "There's no one here."

The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."

Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who said that?" he asked rather loudly.

"I did, sir. I'm the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me."

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. "How can I help you?" he asked.

"The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you."

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. "At my age," he said, "I'd rather have a talking frog."

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A DAY ON THE LINKS

Four men were out golfing.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

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THE JOYS OF BEING MALE

1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. Chocolate is just another snack.

7. You can be president.

8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.

9. Foreplay is optional.

10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

12. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

13. The world is your urinal.

14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

16. Same work... more pay.

17. Wrinkles add character.

18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

21. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

22. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.

23. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

27. One mood, all the time.

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Redneck Medical Terms

    A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
    Asphalt describes rectal problems.
    A condom is a large apartment.
    Douche is the French word for "twelve.
    Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent.
    A diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry.
    Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
    An erection is when Japanese people vote.
    A dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle.
    An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
    Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
    A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
    The clitoris is a type of flower.
    Testacles are found on an octopus.
    Kotex is a radio station in Cincinatti.
    Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

    Benign........What you be after you be eight.
    Artery...... The study of paintings.
    Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
    Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
    CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
    Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
    Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
    Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
    D & C..........................Where Washington is.
    Dilate......................... To live long.
    Enema..........................Not a  friend.
    Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula..........................A small lie.
    Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
    G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
    Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
    Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known.
    Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
    Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
    Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
    Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
    Node.............................I knew it.
    Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
    Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
    Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
    Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
    Secretion......................Hiding something.
    Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
    Tablet............................A small table.
    Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumor.............................More than one.
    Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
    Varicose.........................Near by/close by.

  **************************************

 The Secret of Success
 
An accomplished Ironman triathlete told me the secret of his success.  He said, “You last the long race by running short ones.”   Don’t swim 2.4 miles; just swim to the next buoy.  Rather than bike 112 miles, ride 10, take a break, and bike 10 more.  Never tackle more than the challenge ahead.
 
Didn’t Jesus offer the same counsel?  He said in Matthew 6:34, “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
 
When asked how he managed to write so many books, the author explained that he’d never written a book.  All he did was write one page a day.
 
Face challenges in stages.  You can’t control your temper forever, but you can control it for the next hour.
 
Remember, you last the long race by running the short ones!

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes, Etc

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

Preparation for Eternity

"Prepare to meet your God."1

"I came home from work last evening," said David E. Leininger a while ago, "greeted the family, changed clothes, and began reading the mail. The Newsweek magazine was there, so I began flipping through it. Early on I came to this rather striking ad: it said, '… You're DEAD. What do you do now? Just for a minute, think the unthinkable. Think about when suddenly you're not there.'2 And then the ad goes on to try to sell life insurance. Years ago, a friend of mine who was an insurance agent would approach potential clients on the street and say, 'I had a dream about you last night … I dreamt you died … and you didn't have insurance!' The amazing thing to me is that his approach actually worked—he made a fine living."3

I find it interesting that the first thing many people read in the daily newspaper is the obituary notices. I don't know why except it is an admission of sorts that death is a fact of life.

Other people avoid reading the obituary notices altogether as they don't want to even begin to think of death. This is sad because sooner or later it happens to us all, for nobody gets out of this place alive. In younger days death seemed a lifetime away—and it was. The years passed, then my father died, then my mother, then my oldest sister … and now, along with my younger sisters, I'm next in line. Dying doesn't bother me, but the process can be frightening if one should lose his or her health and, especially, his or her mind. Over that we have little or no control.

However, what we do have control over is life after death. Should you have a dream tonight that you died, what would happen to you? Where would you spend eternity if this were a reality and not a dream? Better still, where will you spend eternity when it is a reality?

God has an insurance plan exactly for this purpose and it is totally without charge to you. You can read about it by clicking on: http://tinyurl.com/real-christian and read the article, "How to Be Sure You're a Real Christian—Without Having to Be Religious."

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for letting me know in your Word that I need to be prepared to meet you at the end of my life here on earth. And thank you for showing me the way you have provided for such preparation by accepting your Son, Jesus, as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Amos 4:12 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:

loserly

(adjective) : having the qualities of a loser

Her loserly attitude is annoying.

Submitted by: Chey from Florida Sep. 06, 2012 11:07

(adjective) : incompetent, inadequate; possessing the qualities of a loser

I was forced to fire one of my employees because I was tired of his loserly ways.

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Top 5 Wasted Foods

  Ever buy certain foods you can never manage to finish before they go bad? Here are five of the most wasted foods likely in your fridge or cabinets right now - and what you can do about it.


SOUR CREAM

First, there's no need to stock up on sour cream. In most cases, recipes just call for a dollop or one to two tablespoons. And unlike other condiments, sour cream is dairy-based, so it won't last as long. Advice? Stick with smaller containers. "What's great about sour cream is that it comes in new smaller cups…also use light sour cream. You have half the fat and one-third fewer calories," says Lisa Gosselin, Editor In Chief at EatingWell.

Gosselin's tip: To use up sour cream fast make a quick dip using lemon, salt, and herbs. Or, substitute it for mayo in chicken or tuna salad.


PRODUCE

If you think dairy spoils fast, produce actually gets tossed more than any other food group. Celery is one of the worst offenders because many recipes just call for a few stalks at a time due to its strong flavor.

Another type of produce that goes to waste is one we tend to assume offers little value: fronds. "Fronds are those leafy tops to vegetables we often chop and throw out. Don't do that! We call them fronds with benefits," says Gosselin. She recommends using the flavorful tops of beets, radishes and fennel, which you can use like an herb, add to a gazpacho or spread over fresh fish.

FRESH HERBS

Speaking of herbs, going through an entire batch of cilantro or parsley can be quite the challenge. "Often you go to the store and see huge bunches of herbs and you end up buying but just using a little bit," says Gosselin. "We like to treat them life flowers. Put them in little jar, tent them with a plastic bag and you can keep them in your fridge."

To use up your herbs fast, mash them into a soft cheese like cream cheese for a quick spread. Or, dry by hanging them up against a sunny windowsill.

Also See: The Best Bulk Bargains

CITRUS

We use lemons all the time, but rarely in their entirety. To not let yours go to waste, freeze them in ice cubes for use in spontaneous cocktails.

BREAD

Finally, bread is a staple that used to go bad in my household especially when left on the counter on a warm day. We began refrigerating and even freezing whole grain bread we didn't plan on consuming right away. Or, take it from EatingWell: "The simplest thing to do is just cut them and use croutons," says Gosselin. Just take any kind of stale bread, slice into one-inch cubes, coat with olive oil and seasonings. Then spread the cubes on a baking sheet and bake for 20 to 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

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RECIPE:

Grilled Salmon Packets

Cleanup’s a snap with this convenient dish prepared and cooked in a foil wrapper. That’s a welcome time-saver during a hectic week.—Tim Weber, Bettendorf, Iowa


    Prep/Total Time: 25 min.
    Yield: 4 Servings

10 15 25
Ingredients

    4 salmon steaks (6 ounces each)
    1 teaspoon lemon-pepper seasoning
    1 cup shredded carrots
    1/2 cup julienned sweet yellow pepper
    1/2 cup julienned green pepper
    4 teaspoons lemon juice
    1 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/4 teaspoon pepper

Directions

    Sprinkle salmon with lemon-pepper. Place each salmon steak on a double thickness of heavy-duty foil (about 12 in. square). Top with carrots and peppers. Sprinkle with remaining ingredients.
    Fold foil around fish and seal tightly. Grill, covered, over medium heat for 15-20 minutes or until fish flakes easily with a fork. Yield: 4 servings.

Cooking for 2: Grilled Salmon Packets for Two

Nutritional Facts 1 serving equals 286 calories, 16 g fat (3 g saturated fat), 85 mg cholesterol, 516 mg sodium, 5 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 29 g protein.

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Portobello Pizzas

Portobello mushroom caps are the creative "crust" in this upscale spin on pizza. I also cut the caps into wedges and serve them as an appetizer.—Lisa Scheevel, LeRoy, Minnesota

This recipe is:
Quick


    Prep/Total Time: 30 min.
    Yield: 6 Servings

Ingredients

    6 large portobello mushrooms (4 to 4-1/2 inches), stems removed
    1 tablespoon olive oil
    1 pound bulk Johnsonville® Ground Sausage
    1 can (15 ounces) pizza sauce
    1 medium green pepper, chopped
    1 medium onion, chopped
    1/2 cup chopped fresh mushrooms
    1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
    2 garlic cloves, minced
    1 cup (4 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
    Thinly sliced fresh basil leaves, optional

Directions

    Place mushrooms, stem side down, on a greased baking sheet; drizzle with oil. Bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until tender, turning once.
    Meanwhile, cook sausage over medium heat until no longer pink; drain. Stir in the pizza sauce, pepper, onion, mushrooms, Parmesan cheese and garlic. Divide among mushrooms; sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Broil 2-3 in. from the heat for 1-2 minutes or until cheese is melted. Sprinkle with basil if desired. Yield: 6 servings.

Nutritional Facts 1 pizza equals 274 calories, 16 g fat (6 g saturated fat), 44 mg cholesterol, 699 mg sodium, 14 g carbohydrate, 3 g fiber, 18 g protein.

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Peanut Butter Pie

I Love Peanut Butter Pie
   
INGREDIENTS:

    PEANUT BUTTER CRUMB CRUST(recipe follows)
    1-1/3 cups (8-oz. pkg.) REESE'S Minis Peanut Butter Cups, divided
    1/2 cup REESE'S Creamy Peanut Butter
    1 package (3 oz.) cream cheese, softened
    1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1 cup powdered sugar
    1/2 cup milk
    1 tub (8 oz.) frozen non-dairy whipped topping, thawed
    Additional whipped topping or sweetened whipped cream

DIRECTIONS

    1 Prepare PEANUT BUTTER CRUMB CRUST. Set aside 1/3 cup mini peanut butter cups for garnish. Coarsely chop remaining peanut butter cups; set aside.
    2 Combine peanut butter, cream cheese and vanilla in large bowl; beat until smooth. Gradually add powdered sugar and milk, blending until smooth. Fold in whipped topping. Stir in chopped peanut butter cups. Pour into crust.
    3 Cover; freeze several hours or until firm. Soften slightly before serving. Garnish each slice with whipped topping and 1 to 2 mini peanut butter cups. Cover; freeze leftover pie. 8 to 10 servings. PEANUT BUTTER CRUMB CRUST: Heat oven to 350° F. Stir together 1-1/2 cups vanilla wafer crumbs (about 45 wafers, crushed) and 1/2 cup powdered sugar. Place 1/4 cup REESE'S Creamy Peanut Butter and 3 tablespoons butter or margaine in small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM (50%) 30 seconds or until butter is melted and mixture is well blended when stirred. Add to crumb mixture, blending thoroughly. Press onto bottom and up sides of 9-inch pie plate. Bake 5 minutes. Cool completely. NOTE: 1 extra serving-size packaged crumb crust (9 oz.) may be used instead of PEANUT BUTTER CRUMB CRUST.

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Greek Potatoes (Oven-Roasted and Delicious!)

Total Time:  1 hrs 30 mins
Prep Time:    10 mins
Cook Time:   1 hrs 20 mins
Servings:  6-8


Ingredients:

8 large potatoes, peeled, cut into large wedges (about 6-7 wedges per potato)
4 garlic cloves, minced (more garlic is a good thing, less garlic is a no-no for this recipe)
1/2 cup olive oil
1 cup water
1 tablespoon dried oregano (get the Mediterranean, it's the best!)
1 lemon, juice of, to 1 1/2
sea salt
fresh coarse ground black pepper

Directions:
1  Preheat oven to 420°F A reviewer has suggested spraying the baking pan with Pam - that sounds like a great idea!
2  Put all the ingredients into a baking pan large enough to hold them.
3  Season generously with sea salt and black pepper.
4  Make sure your hands are very clean and put them in the pan and give everything a toss to distribute.
5  The garlic will drop into the water/oil solution but its flavour will permeate the potatoes, and this way, it won't burn.
6  Bake for 40 minutes.
7  When a nice golden-brown crust has formed on the potatoes, give them a stir to bring the white underside up, season lightly with a bit more sea salt and pepper and just a light sprinkling of oregano.
8  Add 1/2 cup more water if pan appears to be getting dry, and pop back into oven to brown other side of potatoes.
9  This will take about another 40 minutes.
10  Do not be afraid of overcooking the potatoes- they will be delicious.
11  Note: I often melt a bouillon cube in the water; if you do, make sure to cut back some on the salt.


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 Oven Roasted Greek Potatoes

"A delicious blend of potatoes, garlic, lemon, and herbs marinated overnight in olive oil and white wine. This is a nice way to dress up the potatoes and is always a hit at my dinner parties."

Prep Time:  25 Min
Cook Time:   1 Hr 15 Min
Ready In:   9 Hrs 40 Min


Original Recipe Yield 6 servings
 
Ingredients

    1-1/4 teaspoons lemon pepper
    1/4 teaspoon dried marjoram
    3/4 teaspoon dried basil
    1/8 teaspoon dried thyme
    3/4 teaspoon dried rosemary
    2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons white wine
    2/3 cup water
    1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon olive oil
    1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon Italian salad dressing
    1-1/4 cloves garlic, minced
    5/8 lemon, juiced
    2 teaspoons lemon zest
    4 medium potatoes, peeled and quartered

Directions

    In a small bowl, mix the lemon pepper, marjoram, basil, thyme, and rosemary. In a separate bowl, mix the wine, water, olive oil, dressing, garlic, lemon juice, lemon zest, and 1/2 the seasoning mixture. Pour into a medium glass baking dish. Place potatoes in the dish, coat with the mixture, and sprinkle with remaining seasonings. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours, or overnight.
    Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
    Bake potatoes 1 hour and 15 minutes in the preheated oven, basting once half way through the bake time.

Nutritional Information open nutritional information
Amount Per Serving  Calories: 234 | Total Fat: 6.2g | Cholesterol: 0mg

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 Mediterranean Roast Vegetables

"These wonderfully-flavored vegetables make a delicious companion to roasted meat. You can use whatever vegetables you prefer."

Prep Time:  25 Min
Cook Time:  1 Hr
Ready In:  1 Hr 25 Min

Servings   Yield 4 servings
 
Ingredients

    6 large potatoes, diced
    2 red bell peppers, diced
    1 fennel bulb, diced
    1 zucchini, diced
    6 cloves garlic
    6 tablespoons olive oil
    2 teaspoons salt
    2 teaspoons vegetable bouillon powder
    1/4 cup chopped fresh rosemary
    1/2 cup balsamic vinegar

Directions

    Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).
    Place the potatoes, peppers, fennel, zucchini, and garlic in a large baking dish. Drizzle the olive oil evenly over the vegetables. Sprinkle the salt, bouillon powder, and rosemary over the top. Stir the mixture until the vegetables are coated.
    Bake in the preheated oven until tender, stirring occasionally, about 1 hour. Stir the balsamic vinegar into the vegetables; serve immediately.

Nutritional Information open nutritional information
Amount Per Serving  Calories: 675 | Total Fat: 21.3g | Cholesterol: 0mg


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JOKES:

 You May Be A Redneck Pilot If


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Write

 

 
       
 
    your stall warning plays "Dixie."
    your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
    you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
    you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
    you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
    you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
    your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
    you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
    just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
    you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
    you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
    you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
    you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
    you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
    you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
    there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
    the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks     from the same Piggly Wiggly!
    when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
    you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper! P.S. If you don't believe me, try cleaning yourself with one of those slick magazines.

**************************************************

APPLICATION TO BE A REDNECK

Name:_____________________________
Nickname:________________________________
CB Handle:______________________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________--_________________________
Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________
Mamma:___________________________________
Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________
Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________
Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______
Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______
Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______Big Dog

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:
Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of shit too _____Honk if you're horny _____
If you ain't a cowboy you ain't shit _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you're horny ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins ?. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry 19. Shonuf ?. Sidemeat 10.Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:
Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation
Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin'____
4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____
Noodlin' ____Other
Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.
Name of Daughter(s):
PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy
Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw _____Pick Handle _____Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >
Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile If You're Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society

Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?_______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY.    THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER.

**************************************************

Learn ta Speak Redneck


BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is
gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the
University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."

Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichaways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

Fur: Measure of distance. "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."

Fur: Because of or to indicate possession. "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but
not necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class's study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees as the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach, Jimmy Johnson, recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean.

SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).

Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Cole's Law: Thinly shredded cabbage

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 Redneck Computer Terms


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Write

 

 
       

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS



BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
 
************************************************

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......

    Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
    You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
    You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
    At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
    There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
    You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
    You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
    You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
    You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
    You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
    You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
    The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
    Wookies are offended by your B.O.
    You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    You have ever used a light-saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
    Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
    You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

  *******************************

 Worth Saving

No one believed in people more than Jesus did. He saw something in Peter worth developing, in the adulterous woman worth forgiving, and in John worth harnessing.

He saw something in the thief on the cross, and what he saw was worth saving. And in the life of a wild-eyed, bloodthirsty extremist, He saw the apostle of grace.  He believed in Saul.

Don’t give up on your Saul. When others write him off, give him another chance. Stay strong.  Call him brother.  Call her sister. It’s too soon to throw in the towel. Talk to your Saul about Jesus, and pray.

God is at work behind the scenes. And remember this:  God never sends you where he hasn’t already been.  By the time you reach your Saul, who knows what you’ll find.

God used Saul, who became Paul, to touch the world.

Has God given you a Saul?

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes, Etc

2 comments View Entry

First and foremost I want to wish My big and "OLDER" brother Warren Rathburn, of Huber Heights, Ohio a wonderful 30th + 3 0 more + 1 year birthday.  he claims he is only 30 years old because his wife Kris is only 29 yrs old.  .  lol  yea sure brother. . .lmao   Love ya even though you don't have it all in the right cabinet so to speak lol.
Hope you had a wonderful Birthday and you have many more, for your my only brother, and and sibling I ever had and I needs ya. . .

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

Two No-No Words

"But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.'"1

Without a doubt one of the major causes of conflict in relationships is poor communications. And two of the most damaging "no-no" words in interpersonal communications are "you always" and "you never" as these are almost always false statements.

The husband who repeatedly says to his wife (or any family member), "You never do such and such, or you never do thus and so," is almost always expressing an overstatement, and never builds a bridge for resolving the conflict at hand. Or the wife who repeatedly says to her husband (or any family member), "You always do such and such, or you always do thus and so," is also almost always expressing an overstatement, and in so doing, builds a barrier between herself and her loved one.

This type of accusation is usually an unfair criticism from an unhappy, and sometimes angry, person who is projecting his or her own unresolved issues onto the other person.

When misunderstandings occur, it is much wiser, more creative, and more loving to express how one feels without accusing the other person for the way he or she feels. When I am upset and start a sentence with words such as, "You always …" or "You never…" I am blaming the other person for the way I feel, while in reality nobody can make me feel the way I feel without my permission.

It is important to acknowledge the fact that my feelings are always my responsibility. Furthermore, to the degree that I overreact, my feelings are always my problem. The most loving way to respond when our feelings are hurt is to start our sentence by saying, "I feel hurt …" or "I feel sad, lonely," or whatever it is I am feeling. This way I am being honest with my emotions; am taking responsibility for them; and am not blaming the other person for the way I am feeling. By taking this approach, we have a much greater chance and opportunity for resolving the conflict or issue at hand. Remember too, that feelings are neither right nor wrong, it's the way that we handle them that counts.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to always be open and honest regarding my reactions and my emotions; never blame anyone else for the way I respond or feel; and always accept responsibility for these by communicating how I feel in an open, honest and loving way. Please help me to always be like Jesus in every situation in which I find myself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen.

1. Matthew 5:37 (NKJV).

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

halfalogue (noun) : one side of a telephone or cellphone conversation

Whether it is the office, on a train or in a car, only half of the conversation is overheard which drains more attention and concentration than when overhearing two people talking, according to scientists at Cornell University. "We have less control to move away our attention from half a conversation (or halfalogue) than when listening to a dialogue," said Lauren Emberson, a co-author of the study that will be published in the journal Psychological Science. —Walker Simon, Reuters Online, May 20, 2010


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Which Is Cheaper: Cats or Dogs?

Money Talks NewsBy Angela Colley


I love my dog, but whoever coined the phrase, “You can’t put a price on love” probably wasn’t a pet owner. Last year, between food, treats, toys, dog park memberships, vet bills, and medicine, my large dog cost me more than $900.

Dog and cat owners don’t pay the same amount for their four-legged family members. The ASPCA did a study on the average cost of owning a dog or a cat. Here’s a more detailed breakdown:

    Small dog – $1,314 the first year, $580 per year after
    Medium dog – $1,580 the first year, $695 per year after
    Large dog – $1,843 the first year, $875 per year after
    Cat – $1,035 the first year, $670 per year after

These totals include the following first-year costs: spay/neuter, other initial medical, collar/leash, litter box/scratching post for cats, cage/crate for large dogs, carrier bag for small dogs/cats, and training class for dogs. Annual expenses include food, recurring medical, litter for cats, licenses for dogs, toys/treats, health insurance, and miscellaneous.

Of course, those are averages – the ASPCA says, “You shouldn’t expect to pay less than this, and you should definitely be prepared to pay more. Don’t forget to factor in the costs of unexpected veterinary care, as well as boarding facilities, pet sitters and dog walkers, if you plan to use them.”

But what the ASPCA doesn’t mention is ways to trim expenses. For example…

1. Vet bills

The ASPCA says cats and dogs should see a vet at least once a year. The first year (when they usually require the most shots) is slightly more expensive. For example, they say vet bills for a medium-size dog break down like this:

    Recurring medical – $235
    Other initial medicine – $70
    Spaying or neutering – $200
    TOTAL – $505

You might reduce some of those costs by comparison shopping. For example, one vet in my neighborhood is $25 cheaper per visit than another. However, be sure to compare the costs of both regular visits and emergency ones. Impromptu trips – like the time my puppy ate a bag of nickels – get costly.

As Stacy mentioned in the video, check local animal shelters for discount spaying/neutering, shots, or other medical services. Some offer them, others don’t.

You can also reduce your costs by shopping around for cheaper medicines. Target and Kroger offer $4 generic pet meds.

Some owners use pet health insurance to save money on their vet bills – both expected and unexpected – but it’s not cheap. The ASPCA says health insurance for a cat runs about $175 a year. Before you sign up check out Do You Need Pet Insurance? 6 Ways to Save on Care.

2. Food and supplies

The ASPCA says that the average yearly cost of food and supplies for a large dog like mine breaks down like this:

    Food – $235
    Toys and treats – $75
    TOTAL – $310

But I spend less than that, and I buy organic. Check out 9 Sites for Saving Money on Pet Supplies for help finding cheaper pet food, treats, toys, and basic meds. For example, I used to buy my dog’s food at a local pet store. A 30-pound bag costs $57.99, but I found the same bag on Amazon for $51.99.

3. Grooming and training

According to the ASPCA, training and grooming for a small dog breaks down like this:

    Long hair grooming – $264
    Training class – $110
    TOTAL - $374

I save money on these pricey extras by not paying for them at all. In 3 Pricey Pet Services You Can Do Yourself, I talk about a few pet services I’ve learned to do. For example, I bypassed training class entirely. Instead, I taught my dog basic commands and a few tricks using dog training sites. Here are a few of my favorites:

    WebMD Pets has great one-minute training videos featuring a certified dog trainer. You won’t learn everything you need to know, but it’s helpful to watch the techniques in action.
    Petfinder has a training section that covers everything from behavioral problems to basic dog tricks.
    Perfect Paws has a ton of helpful articles on positive reinforcement training. They also have a section on how to train cats.

I also do all my own grooming, and save about $160 per year. I also learned how to do that online. If you’re looking for grooming advice, check out:

    Grooming FAQ from the ASPCA
    How to Groom a Dog from Beneful
    Grooming Your Dog’s Hair with Clippers from Dummies.com

Bottom line? Animals aren’t cheap, but as with two-legged family members, where there’s a will to save, there’s a way. But even if your dog or cat does end up costing a little more than expected, they’ll still do something no other purchase will: pay you back a thousandfold in companionship, loyalty, devotion, and fun.

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RECIPE:

Peanut Butter Fun Filled Cookies

INGREDIENTS:

    1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine, softened
    3/4 cup sugar
    1/3 cup REESE'S Creamy Peanut Butter
    1 egg
    1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
    1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    1-1/3 cups (8-oz. pkg.) REESE'S Minis Peanut Butter Cups

DIRECTIONS

    1 Heat oven to 350° F.
    2 Beat butter, sugar and peanut butter in large bowl until well blended. Add egg and vanilla; beat well. Stir together flour, baking soda and salt; add to butter mixture, blending well. Stir in mini peanut butter cups. Drop by heaping teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet.
    3 Bake 12 to 14 minutes or until light golden brown around the edges. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely. About 2-1/2 dozen cookies.

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Peanut Butter Cup Surprise Truffles

INGREDIENTS:

    2 packages (11.5 oz each) HERSHEY'S Milk Chocolate Chips, divided
    3/4 cup whipping cream
    1-1/3 cups (8-oz. pkg.) REESE'S Minis Peanut Butter Cups
    2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) HERSHEY'S Premier White Chips, divided

DIRECTIONS

    1 Place 3 cups milk chocolate chips and whipping cream in large microwave-safe container. Microwave at MEDIUM (50%) 1 minute; stir. If necessary, microwave at MEDIUM an additional 15 seconds at a time, stirring after each heating, until chips are melted and mixture is smooth when stirred. Cover; refrigerate several hours or until firm.
    2 Line cookie sheet or tray with waxed paper. Roll mixture into 1-inch balls; place on prepared tray. Refrigerate about 1 hour or until firm enough to handle.
    3 Flatten each ball slightly; press around one mini peanut butter cup, covering cup completely. Return to tray. Cover; refrigerate about 30 minutes.
    4 Line second cookie sheet or tray with waxed paper or line candy cups on tray, if desired. Place remaining 1 cup milk chocolate chips and 1-1/4 cups white chips in medium microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM 1 minute; stir. If necessary, microwave at MEDIUM an additional 15 seconds at a time, stirring after each heating, just until chips are melted and smooth when stirred.
    5 Place truffle on fork and immediately dip into melted chocolate mixture; allow excess chocolate to drip off truffles. If necessary, scrape off excess chocolate with knife or small spatula. Place on prepared tray or in paper cups. Refrigerate until coating is firm (about 30 minutes).
    6 Place remaining 3/4 cup white chips in small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM 1 minute; stir. If necessary, microwave at MEDIUM an additional 15 seconds at a time, stirring after each heating, until chips are melted and smooth when stirred. Transfer melted chips to heavy duty (freezer) resealable food storage bag. Cut tip of bag about 1/8th inch from corner; drizzle melted white chips in decorative design on tops of truffles. Allow to set. Store in cool, dry place. About 42 truffles.


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Peanut Butter Cup Crumble Cake

NGREDIENTS:

    2 cups sugar
    1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
    3/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa
    1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
    1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
    1 teaspoon salt
    2 eggs
    1 cup milk
    1/2 cup vegetable oil
    2 teaspoons vanilla extract
    1 cup boiling water
    38 to 40 REESE'S Peanut Butter Cups Miniatures
 
  ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING(recipe follows)

DIRECTIONS

    1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour 13x9x2-inch baking pan.
    2 Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pan.
    3 Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool completely in pan on wire rack.
    4 Remove wrappers from peanut butter cups; cut each cup into 4 pieces. Prepare ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING. Reserve 1/3 cup frosting; frost cake with remaining frosting. Sprinkle peanut butter cup pieces over frosting. Place reserved frosting in small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM (50%) 15 seconds or until pourable; drizzle over cake. Allow drizzle to set. 12 to 16 servings. ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING 6 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened 2-2/3 cups powdered sugar 1/2 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa 1/3 cup milk 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Beat butter until fluffy in medium bowl. Alternately beat in powdered sugar and cocoa with milk until of spreading consistency (additional milk may be needed). Blend in vanilla. About 2 cups frosting.

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Peanut Butter Cup Bark

INGREDIENTS:

    2 cups (11.5oz.-pkg.) HERSHEY'S Milk Chocolate Chips
    1 cup lightly salted peanuts
    1-1/3 cups (8-oz.-pkg.) REESE'S Minis Peanut Butter Cups

DIRECTIONS

    1 Line cookie sheet or tray with waxed paper.
    2 Place milk chocolate chips in medium microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at MEDIUM (50%) 1 minute; stir. If necessary, microwave an additional 15 seconds at a time, stirring after each heating, until chips are melted and mixture is smooth when stirred. Cool slightly; stir in peanuts and mini peanut butter cups.
    3 Pour mixture on prepared tray; spread to about 1/2 inch thickness. Gently tap cookie sheet on countertop to even out thickness of mixture. Repeat tapping cookie sheet on counter until candy is desired thickness.
    4 Refrigerate about 30 minutes or until firm. Break or cut into pieces. Store in cool, dry place. About 1-1/2 pounds candy.

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Peanut Butter and Chocolate Marbled Cookies


INGREDIENTS:

    1 pouch (17.5 oz.) peanut butter cookie mix
    3 tablespoons vegetable oil, divided
    1 tablespoon water
    1 egg
    2 tablespoons HERSHEY'S Cocoa
    About 36 REESE'S Minis Peanut Butter Cups

DIRECTIONS

    1 Heat oven to 375°F.
    2 Stir cookie mix, 2 tablespoons oil, water and egg in medium bowl until soft dough forms.
    3 Set aside 1 cup dough. Add cocoa and remaining 1 tablespoon oil to remaining dough, blending well. Roll together a pinch of peanut butter dough and a pinch of chocolate dough to make 1-inch balls. Place on ungreased cookie sheet.
    4 Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until cookie surface is set. Remove from oven to wire rack. Cool 2 to 3 minutes; press mini peanut butter cup at an angle into each cookie. Cool completely. About 3 dozen cookies.

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Chocolate Quesadillas

INGREDIENTS:

    4 (7 to 8 in. each) flour tortillas
    Non-stick cooking spray
    1/4 cup REESE'S Creamy Peanut Butter
    1/4 cup marshmallow creme
    2 small bananas, sliced
    1/2 cup HERSHEY'S Milk Chocolate Chips, HERSHEY'S SPECIAL DARK Chocolate Chips or HERSHEY'S Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

DIRECTIONS

    1 Lightly coat one side of each tortilla with cooking spray. Place tortillas on clean work surface, coated sides down.
    2 Spread 1 tablespoon each peanut butter and marshmallow creme on half of each tortilla. Arrange 1/4 of the banana slices and 2 tablespoons chocolate chips over marshmallow creme; fold each tortilla over to cover filling.
    3 Heat large non-stick skillet over medium heat 1 minute. Add two quesadillas; cook 1 to 2 minutes or until tortillas are golden brown and crisp, turning once. Repeat with remaining quesadillas. Serve warm. 4 servings.


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JOKES:
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
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Software review: WIFE ver.1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity.

He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-lns such as MotherlnLaw 55.8 and BrotherlnLaw Beta release. Also noted: system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
- - - A "Don't remind me again" button
- - - Minimize button
- - - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. However, all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
 
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The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say


10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Her breasts are just too big.
6) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2) Hell with Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1) I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.


The Last Things Any Woman Would Ever Say

10) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6) Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5) This diamond is way too big!
4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2) Does this make my butt look too small?
1) I'm wrong, you must be right again.

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The real meaning behind Personal Ads

 
First the Women

    40-Ish-48

    Adventurer-.Has had more partners than you ever will

    Athletic-Flat-Chested

    Average Looking-Ugly

    Beautiful - Pathological Liar

    Contagious Smile - Bring your Penicillin

    Educated - College Dropout

    Emotionally Secure - Medicated

    Feminist - Fat, Ball Buster

    Free spirit - Substance User

    Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut

    Fun - Annoying

    Gentle - Comatose

    Good Listener - Borderline Autistic

    New-Age - All body hair, all the time

    Old-Fashioned - Lights Out, missionary position only

    Open-minded - Desperate

    Outgoing - Loud

    Passionate - Loud

    Poet - Depressive financially insecure

    Professional - Real Witch

    RedHead - Shops the Clairol section

    Reubenesque - Grossly Fat

    Romantic - Looks better by candle light

    Voluptuous - Very Fat

    Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat

    Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking

    Widow - Nagged first husband to death

    Young at Heart - Toothless Crone

    The Male side of the list

      40-ish - 52 and looking for a 25 year old

    Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

    Average Looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back

    Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot

    Free Spirit - Will sleep with your sister

    Friendship First - As long as friendship involves nudity

    Fun - Good with a remote and a Six Pack

    Good Looking - Arrogant

    Honest - Pathological Liar

    Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear

    Likes to Cuddle - Insecure, overly dependant

    Mature - Until you get to know him

    Open-Minded - Wants to sleep with your sister, but she's not interested

    Physically Fit - I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself

    Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall

    Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

    Stable - Occasional Stalker, but never arrested

    Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding Beer
    

 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes, Etc

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

 Ephesians 2:10

(10) For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
New King James Version 

If God, having foreordained us to be in His Kingdom, is not willing that any should perish and has thus called us, led us to repentance, and given us His Spirit, why should we be careful to "maintain good works" (Titus 3:8) or "exercise . . . to godliness" (I Timothy 4:7)? Why is such work necessary, since God is so determined to have us in His Kingdom?

The reason is both simple and profound. It is essential we understand it because it captures the essence of the issue of God's sovereignty. The reason is, simply, because it is His will that we do them. We must do them or we may destroy ourselves by refusing because we thus show Him that He is not really sovereign in our life. The works, of course, have other purposes as well. In fact, they have many purposes, for God rarely creates or commands anything for which He does not have multiple uses.

It should be enough for God's children to do as He wills simply because He has bidden us. Nowhere does Scripture teach or even encourage an attitude of fatalistic indifference to our circumstance. The Bible everywhere urges us not to be content with our present spiritual state. We have a long way to go to grow to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ. This is a major reason why the "welfare mentality," dragged into the church from the world, is so damaging. It destroys human responsibility to God and each other, greatly hindering one's submission to God's will. Submitting to God's will entails some measure of work because human nature, Satan, and ingrained habits must be overcome.

In Philippians 3:14, Paul proclaims, "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." God has summoned us to salvation. Salvation is the prize that goes to those who yield to His will, showing by their lives that God is indeed their sovereign. Jesus admonishes us to, "Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able" (Luke 13:24). God's Word exhorts us to proceed energetically and solve the problems of life according to His instructions.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:

 piceous PIS-ee-uhs , adjective:
1. Inflammable; combustible.
2. Of, pertaining to, or resembling pitch.
3. Zoology. Black or nearly black as pitch.

In the silent and piceous hour just before dawn, they advanced at a slow trot, fanning out through the slave quarters and into the yard that divided the gin house, the mill, and the buildings where Canning and I slept unaware.
-- Geraldine Brooks, March

Dark pink for the brick buildings, dark green for the doorjambs and the benches, dark iron for the hinges, dark stone for Nathaniel's Tomb; darkness in the piceous roots of trees that broke through the earth like bones through skin.
-- Roger Rosenblatt, Beet

Piceous stems from the Latin word piceus meaning "made of pitch."

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most successful way of getting rid of ferret fleas


Ferret fleas can be a royal pain in the bum for you and your ferret! They bite and hang around like a bad smell and fuzzy gets annoyed.

I have found the most successful way of getting rid of ferret fleas is through the following steps:

1.    Take all the bedding out of the cage and wash it!

2.   Clean the cage thoroughly so that there are no left over flea eggs.

3.    Take the infested flea carriers (the ferrets) and throw them in a warm bath (don’t literally throw them please).

4.    While the fuzzbutt is fleeing up your arm...attempt to wash it using a ferret friendly shampoo (special ferret shampoo).

5.    Once you have obtained substantial scratch marks washing your fuzzy from head to toe, let him/her float/ soak in the water for a couple of minutes (always let the fuzzy be able to stand in the water...don’t drown it!). This should drown any fleas that were not quick enough to make it to the fuzzy’s head.

6.   Watch your ferret look at you with contempt while you ‘lick’ your scratch wounds.

7.    Amuse yourself at how your fuzzy resembles a soaked rat...

8.    Ok...after a few minutes take fuzzy out of the water and attempt to dry with towel...note that at this time you may become just as wet as fuzzy, will obtain more scratch marks while fuzzbutt tries to make a run for the dustiest and dirtiest part of the bathroom (normally behind the sink and under the toilet).

9.    Once you retrieve your fuzzy attempt to trap it in the towel (hold all four corners together) so that it can wriggle around and self dry itself.

10.    After a few attempts at this and once your fuzzy is substantially dry let it run around in your designated play area and cringe while you watch it roll around in dust and dirt and smirk at you while doing so.

11.    Now that your fuzzy is completely dry get the tube of puppy and kitten Revolution or Advantage (or any other ferret flea killing kitten product available in your country) and put it on the back of your fuzzbutts back (part the fur just above the shoulder blades).


    Congratulations! You have now treated your fuzzy for fleas! Sometimes if your fuzzbutt is heavily infested you may need to redo this procedure (minus the last step, you only give them the treatment once a month)...but you may want to wait a few days...enough time for your scratch marks to heal.

    Please note: Ferrets are naturally very ‘scratchy’ animals anyway so they will always be scratching here and there. To check if they have fleas part their fur and check if it is inflamed with bite marks and see if there are any : 1. Adult fleas crawling around on their fur 2. tiny black dots on their fur - flea eggs.

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RECIPE:

Lemon Yogurt Cookies

The kids will love these healthful cookies packed in their lunch boxes.

Serves: about 48 cookies
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 9 to 12 minutes

 
3 cups cake flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup lowfat lemon yogurt
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

DIRECTIONS:

Preheatthe oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease 2 baking sheets.
Whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt; set aside.
In a large bowl, combine the sugar, yogurt, eggs, oil, lemon zest and lemon juice. Stir until well blended. Add the dry ingredients and stir until the batter is moistened.
Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls, 2 inches apart on the baking sheets. Bake for 9 to 12 minutes or until the edges are lightly brown. Cool for 1 minute before lifting from the baking sheet to a wire rack to cool completely.

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Black Forest Chocolate Mousse

There is one word for this dessert---delicious!

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
 
1 1/4 cups whipping cream
1 can (16 1/2 ounces) pitted Bing cherries, in heavy syrup
1 1/2 tablespoons kirsch, (cherry brandy)*
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, (3 ounces)
Grated semisweet chocolate, for garnish (optional)
mint sprigs, for garnish (optional)

DIRECTIONS:
In deep, 2-quart bowl, whip cream to form stiff peaks. Spoon ½ cup of the whipped cream into a small bowl, cover, and refrigerate. Set aside the remaining whipped cream. Thoroughly drain cherries in strainer, reserving 1/4 cup of syrup. Transfer the syrup to a small saucepan and add the kirsch. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat and cook for 5 to 8 minutes or until reduced to about 1/4 cup. Put the chocolate chips in the container of blender. Pour the hot syrup over the chocolate. Blend until smooth. Scrape down the sides of the blender with a rubber spatula as necessary. Scrape the chocolate into the reserved whipped cream. Fold just until the streaks disappear. Fold in the cherries, reserving 4 cherries for garnish. Cover and refrigerate 2 to 6 hours. Spoon into 4 stemmed dessert glasses. Dollop with whipped cream and garnish with remaining cherries, grated chocolate, and mint sprigs. *Note: You can eliminate kirsch and use a total of 1/3 cup syrup from cherries, bring to a boil and reduce to ¼ cup.

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 Skinny Chicken Divan

So I haven't made a casserole in awhile and this was a dish I've wanted to try for a long time. 

Servings: 6
 ingredients:


1 1/2 lbs broccoli (3 large heads) chopped
3 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 Tbsp. light butter
2 tsp. extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic, crushed
2 Tbsp. shallots, minced (onions would work too)
4 Tbsp. flour
1 cup fat free chicken broth
1 cup fat free milk
1/4 cup white wine (or dry sherry)
6 oz. shredded reduced fat swiss cheese
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1/4 cup seasoned whole wheat breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper
Cooking spray

Bring a large pot of water to a boil.  Add the broccoli and blanch for about 3 minutes.  Rinse with cold water to stop the cooking.  Drain well and set aside.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Grease a 9x13 inch baking dish with cooking spray.

Season the chicken with salt and pepper.  Using a grill pan, saute chicken on medium-low heat on both sides until browned, and just about cooked through, about 5 minutes on each side.  Remove from heat and transfer chicken to a cutting board.  When cooled, slice chicken into bite sized pieces.

Heat a medium skillet on medium heat.  Add the butter and oil until melted and then add garlic and shallots (or onions).  Sprinkle flour and whisk until smooth.  Stir in broth, milk and wine (or sherry) and bring to a boil.  Remove from heat and stir in half of the swiss cheese.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Arrange broccoli in a casserole dish and pour half of the sauce over the broccoli.  Arrange the chicken on top and cover with remaining sauce.  Sprinkle in remaining swiss cheese, grated parmesan cheese and top with bread crumbs.  Spray a little oil on top.  Bake 30 minutes, serve hot. 

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Sweet Potato Salad

A nice spin on the traditional potato salad. A perfect side for the winter holidays!

Prep Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 30 minutes
Servings: 4 Servings

Ingredients

    2 Large Sweet Potatoes (about 2 pounds)
    1/4 Cup Mayonnaise
    1/4 Cup Greek Yogurt
    1/4 Cup Scallions, diced (about 4)
    1 Red Pepper diced
    2 Tablespoons Chives, minced
    1 Orange zest only
    1 Teaspoon Apple cider vinegar
    1/2 Teaspoon Paprika
    1 Pinch Salt and pepper
    1 Dash Hot sauce

Directions

    1Peel sweet potatoes and cube them into 1/2 inch cubes. Add them to salted boiling water and boil until they are tender, about 15 minutes.
    2Drain potatoes and let them cool slightly.
    3Meanwhile, dice other veggies and add to a bowl with mayo and greek yogurt. Mix well.
    4Season with paprika, apple cider vinegar, orange zest, and a dash of hot sauce.
    5Stir in the cook sweet potatoes and season with salt and pepper.
    6You can serve this at room temperature but I thought it was better chilled.

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PLEASE NOTE:   Everyone on Pininterest continuely is reposting this recipe.  I have had it posted for several months and it amazes me how many times it has been re-pinned. smh. .guess I need to try it lol.

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Banana tofe


Ingredients
3 bananas
1 tin of sweetened condensed milk
2 cups whipping cream
1 package of digestive biscuits or graham crackers
1 stick of butter
1 tsp vanilla
1 small bar of chocolate

Instructions
 Remove the label on the condensed milk and submerge the unopened can in pot of water. Cover and boil for 2.5 hours. Warning: Be sure to keep the can covered by water at all times!!
**Update: you may be able to find canned caramel del leche at your super market**
To make the crust

Grind up digestive cookies/ graham crackers in food processor.
Melt stick of butter in microwave and pour into crumb mixture.
Blend until you have a moist mixture.
Smooth crumbs into pie plate to make a crust.
Bake at 350F for 10 minutes.
Set aside to cool.

To make whipped cream:
Whip cold cream and vanilla on high until whipped
Set aside to b
Now to put it together...Slice banana's and layer in the crust

Open toffee can, mix with knife until smooth, pour on bananas.
Spread whipped cream over the pie

Top with shaved chocolate

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Yogurt-Zucchini Bread with Walnuts
   
Active Time:  15 Minutes
Total Time:  1 Hour 30 Minutes
Yield:  Makes one 9-inch loaf

This moist, nutty bread is a terrific way to use up late-summer zucchini. The walnuts in the bread are super-heart-healthy, and the yogurt adds moisture without any fat.

INGREDIENTS
1 cup  walnut halves  (4 ounces)
2 cups  all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon  baking powder
1/2 teaspoon  baking soda
1/2 teaspoon  salt
3/4 cup  plus 2 tablespoons sugar
2   large eggs
1/2 cup  vegetable oil
1/2 cup  fat-free plain Greek yogurt
1 cup  coarsely grated zucchini (from about 1 medium zucchini)
   
DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 325°. Butter and flour a 9-by-4 1/2-inch metal loaf pan. Spread the walnut halves in a pie plate and toast them for about 8 minutes, until they are fragrant. Transfer the toasted walnuts to a cutting board and coarsely chop them, then freeze for 5 minutes to cool.
In a large bowl, whisk the flour with the baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a medium bowl, mix the sugar with the eggs, vegetable oil and fat-free yogurt. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients along with the grated zucchini and toasted walnuts and stir until the batter is evenly moistened. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and bake for about 1 hour and 10 minutes, until the loaf is risen and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let the loaf cool on a rack for 30 minutes before unmolding and serving.

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JOKES:

Wise Advice From Kids

  1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
  2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
  him. - Michael, 14
  3. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
  4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
  5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
  6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
  7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
  8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. -
  Taylia, 11
  9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
  assignment. - Traci, 14
  10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. Mitchell, 12
  11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9
  12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
  13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
  14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
  15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
  16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
  17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
  18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
  the phone. - Alyesha, 13
  19. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 

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English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?  One index, two indices?  Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and
feet that smell?  Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?  How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.  You fill in a form by filling
it out,  and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,  but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

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Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time", said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim here", said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure", said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain", said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

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FAIRY TALE JOKES

HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor.

Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR:I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like getting undressed.

DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR:Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))

DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR:Did you ever wonder what happened to your satchel?

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent".

Q. What does a wicked witch like to read in the newspaper?
A. Her horror scope!

Q. Why do dragons sleep all day?
A. So they can fight knights!

Q. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?
A. She had a pumpkin for a coach!

Q.Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. She always ran away from the ball!

Q. Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long?
A. Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot!

Q. What would you get if you crossed the ugly duckling with a cow?
A. Milk and quackers.

Q. What do frog princes like to eat with their hamburgers?
A. French flies.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Bo Peep's littlest sheep with a karate expert?
A. Lamb chops.

Q. What would you get if you crossed the Snow Queen with a vampire?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What's pink, has a curly tail and drinks blood?
A. A hampire.

Q. Why are the wicked witch twins so confusing?
A. It's hard to tell which witch is which!

Q. What did Cinderella say when her photographs weren't ready?
A. "Some day my prints will come!"

Q. What's Snow White's brother's name?
A. Egg White! Get the yolk?

Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?
A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard, lie!'

Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?
A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is runover by a Mac truck?
A. "Creamed" corn.

Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
A. The "A"corn.

Q. What do Unicorns call their father?
A. "Pop" corn.

Q. What do Unicorns use for money?
A. Corn "Bread."

Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."

Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A. Conan the Librarian.

Q How did Capt. Hook die?
A. Jock itch!

Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A. She comes with all of Kens stuff...

  ************************************************

Beer Q and A

Q: whats the difference between a Indian sqaw and a Indian Princess?
A: about 5 beers

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.
Thoughts on Beer and Drinking

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. (Frank Zappa)

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. (Ernest Hemmingway)

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. (Winston Churchill)

He was a wise man who invented beer. (Plato)

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. (Catherine Zandonella)

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill)

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. (David Daye)

Work is the curse of the drinking class. (Oscar Wilde)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin )

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. (Deep Thought, Jack Handy)

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. (David Moulton)

People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. (Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI)

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. (Kaiser Welhelm)

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. (Homer Simpson)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry )

I drink to make other people interesting. (George Jean Nathan)

They who drink beer will think beer. (Washington Irving)

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. (For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin)

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. (Homer Simpson)


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STUPID LOCAL LAWS


In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal, I repeat, illegal, to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have a n extra $500 for the offense.

The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.

Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forewarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.

Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.

All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.

Pedestrians always have the right of way.

Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.

In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

Pennsylvania:

In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:

1. "Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."

2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."

3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

Utah:

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

Ohio:

In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Indiana:

Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

Kansas:

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California:

In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

Oklahoma:

Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

 
Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

No "Ifs," "Buts," or "Maybes" ? It's a Must

"There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, 'Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.'"1

In Christ's day, Nicodemus, a well-known Jewish religious leader, and undoubtedly an outstanding man of noble character and high moral living, came to Jesus one night wanting to find out just who this miracle-working Jesus was. Knowing what was really on Nicodemus's mind, Jesus ignored his statement and went directly to the heart of Nicodemus's personal need, and said to him, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."2

Understandably, Nicodemus didn't understand what Jesus was talking about; but to underscore the point he was making, Jesus said, "Do not marvel that I said to you, 'You must be born again.'"3 To reiterate the imperativeness of what Jesus was seeking to communicate to Nicodemus, he said, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God."4

Jesus was saying to Nicodemus that unless a person is born again, he won't even see the Kingdom of Heaven, let alone enter it. That truth applies to every one of us.

So what does it mean to be born again—to be born of God's Spirit? Obviously, to enter earth we had to be born physically, so to be born again means that if we want to enter Heaven after this life, we need to be born spiritually. For one thing, our physical bodies could never survive out of earth's atmosphere, so obviously could not survive in Heaven. Furthermore, the fact that we are all sinners, God would never ever allow sin or sinners to enter his Heaven and pollute it. Furthermore, because God is a God of infinite holiness, no sinner could ever survive in God's presence—like a moth in a flame, we would be consumed.

But because God is also a God of infinite love, He sent his Son, Jesus, to die in our place to pay the just penalty for all of our sins. We are born spiritually when we, as an act of faith, believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that he died on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins, and in our hearts accept and with our lips confess Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. When we do this, we are born again—spiritually, and in so doing receive God's forgiveness and are made fit to enter God's Heaven. This means that after we die, at the resurrection, we will be given a new body, just like the body that Jesus had following his resurrection. We know this because Jesus said that when we see him, we will be like him.5

When it comes to entering God's Heaven, there are no "ifs," "buts," or "maybes." It's an imperative! As Jesus said to Nicodemus, 'You must be born again."6 The same truth applies to you and me. We, too, must be born again to see and enter God's Kingdom of Heaven.

If you are not absolutely certain that you are born again (spiritually), you can be today by genuinely praying the following prayer: "Dear God, I do believe that Jesus Christ is your Son—the Son of God, and that he died on the cross to pay the penalty for all my sins. I confess that I am a sinner; please ha    ve mercy on me and forgive me for all my sins. And, Lord Jesus Christ, I invite you to come into my heart and life as my Lord and my Savior. I thank you for taking the punishment for all my sins by dying in my place on the cruel Roman cross. And I thank you, God, for giving your Son, Jesus, to die for me; for your gift of forgiveness, for the gift of spiritual re-birth, and the gift of eternal life so I will be able to live with you in Heaven forever. Thank you for the assurance that I am now born again according to your instructions. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer; gratefully, in Jesus name, amen."


1. John 3:1-2 (NKJV).
2. John 3:3 (NKJV).
3. John 3:7 (NKJV).
4. John 3:5 (NKJV).
5. 1 John 3:2 (NKJV).
6. John 3:3 (NKJV)

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

    inimitable
    audio pronunciation
    in-IM-it-uh-bul

    DEFINITION

adjective
: not capable of being imitated : matchless

    EXAMPLES

"He is involved in roughly six projects, most of them part time and some dormant. Each is different from the others and to each, say those who work with him, he adds something inimitable." — From an article by Timothy Finn in the Kansas City Star, July 18, 2012

"For decades after '60 Minutes' launched in 1968, Wallace was arguably the best-known news figure on television, after Walter Cronkite. Wallace was to 'the interview' what Cronkite had been to the anchor chair—an authority figure with an inimitable style that was both aggressive and seductive." — From an article by Verne Gay in Newsday (Long Island, New York), April 9, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?

Something that is inimitable is, literally, not able to be imitated. In actual usage the word describes things so uniquely extraordinary as to not be copied or equaled, which is why you often hear it used to praise outstanding talents or performances. (The antonym "imitable" describes things that are common or ordinary and could easily be replicated or surpassed.) "Inimitable" derives via Middle English from Latin "inimitabilis." Be careful not to confuse it with "inimical" or "inimicable," two adjectives meaning hostile or harmful; those words derive from the same Latin root that gave us "enemy" ("inimicus").

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5 Steps That Reveal Your Life's Purpose

Like many of us, you might feel that there's a true purpose to your life but you haven't yet found or discovered it, especially when trapped within a life that's unfulfilling or feels out of synch with your true purpose for being. Teachings of Eastern mystics say each of us have a particular purpose in life, though we might not know how to recognize it. Interestingly, some new research suggests ways to discover and pursue your true purpose. Moreover, having a purpose in life is found to help you protect yourself from mental decline -- not a bad byproduct.

Some are awakened to it from an event or moment of illumination that opens the way. A recent example: Adam Steltzner, the NASA scientist who headed the team that designed and carried out the successful landing of the Mars rover, Curiosity. In an NPR interview Steltzner spoke of having played in a rock band after high school rather than going to college. While waiting for stardom, his friends went to college and on with their lives. On his way home from a gig one night he looked up and was suddenly fascinated with the stars, especially the constellation Orion.

"The fact that it was in a different place in the sky at night when I returned home from playing a gig ... That was it ... I was totally turned on by this idea of understanding my world," he said. He had to know all about the laws that govern the universe. Seltzner enrolled in a physics course, and over the next several years earned a Ph.D., which led to where he is today.

Most of us, though, have to work at discovering our purpose. Too often it's clouded over by our conditioning and adapting to life experiences and choices -- from family and culture to our educational and career paths and our relationships. We're so enraptured with our outer life -- or absorbed by it -- that awareness of our true purpose dims to just a flicker. Consequently, many go through life feeling off-track, out of tune in some way. That creates major stress over time, and new research finds that such stress will increase your risk of death from all sources.

Here are five steps that can help activate your life's purpose:

1. Back Off and Tune Inward

The 12th-century Japanese poet Hakuin wrote, "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." Your purpose might be right in front of your eyes but you don't see it, like looking for your missing keys when they're right in front of you. Try backing off to a larger perspective, outside yourself. That can help you look inward more clearly. By tuning your focus inward rather than seeking your purpose from something new "out there," you're more likely to discover an inclination or leaning that's always been inside you.

That shift of perspective helps you to let go of the self-interest so prominent in our lives -- what we're always trying to get or control -- and that clears the way to reflect on your current life path with honesty. Does it feel in synch or clash with your inner life, your true self that lies beneath all that you've been conditioned to think, value, go after or believe in?

Further, ask yourself if your life serves something of value in itself, beyond what you hope to "get" from it, by way of "return." Are your energies in the service of creating something useful and good, per se? Or in the service seeking to capture a big "market share" from it? Actually, in business, the former aim tends to be more successful.

Two research studies suggest ways to give you the mental "space" to do the necessary self-reflection for this. One found that volunteer activity -- giving your time away (which also pulls you out of self-interest) -- creates a sense of "time affluence." It gives you an internal sense of having more time, rather than less.

Also, research finds that moments of "awe," experiences that lift you out of yourself and your everyday concerns, bring you more into the present moment, slow down your sense of time and increase your focus and calm. This provides greater opportunity to listen to your internal voice.

2. Learn From Your Choices and Their Consequences

Examine what the "successes" or "failures" over the course of your life tell you about where you've been in harmony with yourself or not. Your life experiences are lessons that can teach you what you've been trying to express or manifest through your outer life, and where parts of the latter may be an incorrect vehicle. The latter is often the meaning behind our life problems and frustrations. Brain research shows that reflecting on yourself generates more motivation and effective planning for the future. This not only helps you learn the meaning of your life experiences, but also supports you in letting go of a path that you realize isn't in synch with your true purpose.

3. Get on the Path

When you feel pulled towards some purpose more in synch with yourself, go after it with strong intent, whether it's something material or spiritual. There are different ways of life that fulfill one's purpose, for different people. But look for the feedback your actions provide. Over time, you'll learn from the feedback if it's the true path for you or not.

4. Stretch Yourself

Create momentum towards your emerging sense of purpose by pushing yourself to stretch toward it. Create a vision of what it would look like. Imagine it's like a powerful magnet that keeps pulling you along a path towards it. Identify what you can do each day that brings you closer. Having a vision has a powerful effect upon your consciousness, and leads to increased happiness with life. Trust what your heart tells you, especially when your mind tells you otherwise ("no, you can't go there; you can't do it; you won't be able to learn how").

5. Pursue It With Love

When going after your life purpose, think of yourself as the lover who simply gives love for its own sake and without regard for getting something in return, without asking to be loved back or seeking a "return on investment." Rather, pursue your purpose with love and sense of service to it, itself. The Sufi mystic Hazrat Inayat Khan, who brought his spiritual teachings of "Universal Sufism" to the West in the early 1900s, described this: "Once you have linked yourself with love, a flood of inspiration is revealed to you, whatever the subject, whatever the problem in life may be. Whatever it be that your eye casts its glance upon, it will disclose itself. Then you are on the real road, and what a joy this is!"

And, he emphasized, "As by the opening of the eyes you can see things, so by the opening of the heart you can understand things. As long as the heart is closed you cannot understand things. The secret is that when the ears and eyes of the heart are open, all planes of the world are open, all names are open, all secrets, all mysteries are unfolded."

The more you infuse your thoughts, emotions and behavior with life-affirming energy -- love, kindness, compassion, generosity, justice -- you keep your self-interest at bay, and you're more able to find and achieve your true purpose.

Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., a business psychologist and psychotherapist, is director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, D.C
 
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RECIPE:

Cherry Cashew Cookies

These chewy cookies are great anytime. They are great to tuck into lunchboxes or with a big glass of milk after school.

Serves: Makes 4 1/2 dozen cookies
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 12 to 15 minutes

 
1 cup butter, or margarine
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 package (10 ounces) vanilla milk chips, or 1 2/3 cups coarsely chopped white chocolate
1 1/2 cups dried cherries
1 cup coarsley chopped cashews, lightly salted

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Mix with an electric mixer on medium speed until thoroughly mixed.

Combine the flour and baking soda; gradually add flour mixture to the batter. Stir in the chips or chopped white chocolate, dried cherries, and cashews.

Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Let the cookies sit on the baking sheets for 3 to 4 minutes and then transfer to wire racks to cool completely. Store in a tightly covered container.

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Mediterranean Steak Sandwiches

Great supper for a meal in a hurry, especially if you have already marinated or even cooked the steak.

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 16 to 21 minutes

 
2 teaspoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon pepper
One 1-pound boneless beef top sirloin
4 pita breads, warmed
1/4 cup crumbled feta cheese

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the broiler or light a charcoal or gas grill so that the coals are medium hot to hot.

Whisk together the olive oil, garlic, oregano and pepper and press the mixture evenly into both sides of the steak. (If you prefer, you can do this step up to 8 hours before cooking. Cover and refrigerate the steak, if you do.)

Put the steak on a rack in the broiler pan or on the grilling rack so that the beef is 3 to 4 inches from the heat. Broil or grill for 15 to 18 minutes, depending on how thick it is, for medium-rare to medium. Turn once during cooking.

Carve the steak into thin slices; season with 1/2 teaspoon salt. Arrange equal amount of beef on top of each pita; top with the cheese.

Drizzle the sandwiches with a little more olive oil, if desired.

Note: You can broil or grill the steak ahead of time and make these sandwiches with cold or room temperature meat. Refrigerate the steak, without slicing it, until ready to use.
For an interesting variation top with Tomato Relish:

Combine the following:
1 cup chopped seeded tomato
1 can (2 1/4 oz.) sliced ripe olives, drained
1/3 cup chopped onion
2 tbsp. prepared Italian Dressing

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Tuna Walnut Pockets

For a light supper or lunch, serve these sandwiches with pickles and potato chips, or slices of fresh fruit. This is the perfect brown bag lunch.

Serves: 2
Prep Time: 15 minutes

1 (6-7 ounce) can water-packed tuna, well-drained
1/4 cup finely chopped celery
1 hard boiled egg, white only, finely chopped
1/4 cup plain nonfat yogurt
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon, dill or parsley
1/4 cup finely chopped walnuts, toasted if desired
salt, if desired
fresh ground black pepper, if desired
2 whole wheat pita bread, halved to make 4 half-moons
8 leaves iceberg lettuce, (or other crisp lettuce leaves)
1 cup sprouts, such as alfalfa sprouts or onion sprouts

DIRECTIONS:

Put the tuna in a small bowl and break it up with a fork. Add the celery, egg, yogurt, lemon juice, herbs, and walnuts and blend well. Season, if desired, with salt and pepper to taste.

Divide the tuna salad among the pita pockets, placing about 1/3 cup in each. Tuck in a lettuce leaf and some sprouts. Serve immediately.

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Peach Cornmeal Cobbler

A tender, golden biscuit crust conceals ripe, perfumed peaches in this fantastic summer cobbler. Serve à la mode or with fresh whipped cream.

 
Serves: 8 Edit
Yields: 8 servings

Total Time: 1 hr 10 min
Prep Time: 25 min
Cook Time: 45 min
Oven Temp: 375

Ingredients
   
Filling:

    3 pound(s) ripe peaches, peeled, pitted, and cut into 3/4-inch-thick slices (8 cups)
    1 tablespoon(s) lemon juice
    3/4 cup(s) sugar
    2 tablespoon(s) cornstarch
    1/4 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon

Cobbler Dough:

    1 1/2 cup(s) all-purpose flour
    1/2 cup(s) yellow cornmeal
    1/4 cup(s) sugar, plus an additional 2 tablespoons
    2 1/2 teaspoon(s) baking powder
    1/4 teaspoon(s) salt
    1/8 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
    1/2 cup(s) (1 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
    1 cup(s) cold heavy cream

Accompaniment:

    Peach or vanilla ice cream

Directions

    Place oven rack in lowest position; heat oven to 375 degrees F.
    Filling: Toss peaches with lemon juice in a 13x9x2-inch baking dish. Mix together sugar, cornstarch, and cinnamon in a small bowl; add to peaches and toss to evenly coat.
    Cobbler dough: Whisk flour, cornmeal, 1/4 cup of the sugar, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon in a large bowl until blended. Cut in butter with a pastry blender until mixture resembles coarse breadcrumbs. Add cream and mix with a fork, just until dough comes together. Gently knead dough in bowl 5 times.
    Turn out dough onto a lightly floured surface; roll into a 13x9-inch rectangle, about 3/8-inch thick. Cut dough rectangle lengthwise into 1-inch-wide strips. Arrange strips diagonally over peach mixture, lattice-style, weaving the strips if you like, and spacing them 1 1/4 inches apart. Trim strips to inside edge of dish. Reroll scraps; cut more strips as needed. Brush lattice with a little milk or cream; sprinkle with the remaining 2 tablespoons sugar.
    Bake cobbler 45 minutes, or until top is golden brown and juices are bubbling. Cool 15 minutes before serving. Serve with peach or vanilla ice cream.

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Flank Steak Souvlakis

This grilled flank steak wrap sandwich gets a healthy Greek-style flavor from tangy garlic-mint yogurt sauce.


Serves: 4 Edit
Prep Time: 15 min
Cook Time: 14 min

Ingredients
    1 1/2 tablespoon(s) olive oil
    1 tablespoon(s) red wine vinegar
    1 1/2 teaspoon(s) crushed garlic
    1 teaspoon(s) dried oregano
    1/2 teaspoon(s) kosher salt
    1/2 teaspoon(s) freshly ground black pepper
    3/4 pound(s) flank steak
    3/4 cup(s) fat-free Greek yogurt
    1 small (1/3 cup) cucumber, grated
    2 tablespoon(s) chopped fresh mint leaves
    1 small yellow bell pepper, cut into thin strips
    1 small orange bell pepper
    1 large onion, cut into thin strips
    4  (9-10 inch) whole-wheat sandwich wraps with rosemary, warmed according to package directions
    8  Romaine lettuce leaves

Directions

    In a small cup, combine 1 tablespoon of the oil, vinegar, 1 teaspoon of the garlic, oregano, and 1/4 teaspoon each of the salt and pepper; brush over flank steak and let marinate on a plate at room temperature 10 minutes. Meanwhile, heat a stovetop grill pan over medium heat.
    In a small bowl, stir together yogurt, cucumber, mint, and the remaining garlic, salt, and pepper until blended.
    Grill steak 6 to 7 minutes per side or until the internal temperature registers 140°F on an instant-read thermometer, for medium-rare. Transfer to a cutting board and let rest 5 minutes.
    While steak is grilling, heat remaining oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add peppers and onions and sauté 8 minutes or until crisp-tender.
    Thinly slice steak across the grain. Top each wrap with 2 lettuce leaves, steak, peppers, onions, and some yogurt sauce. Roll wraps around filling. Wrap souvlakis in parchment or foil.

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Cheddar-Crusted Apple Pie

A hint of cheddar cheese in the pie crust lends a savory contrast to the traditional apple filling. Cutting steam vents in the top crust allows excess moisture to escape and lets you see the juices bubbling.


Serves: 10
Total Time: 4 hr
Prep Time: 25 min

Ingredients
   
    4 tablespoon(s) all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
    1  recipe Cheddar Double Pie Crust Variation
    2 tablespoon(s) fresh lemon juice
    4 pound(s) Granny Smith apples
    3/4 cup(s) sugar
    1 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
    1/2 teaspoon(s) salt

Directions

    Preheat oven to 425 degrees F, with rack in lowest position. On a floured piece of parchment paper, roll each disk of dough to a 14-inch round with a floured rolling pin. Transfer one round to a baking sheet for top crust; refrigerate. Wrap second round of dough around rolling pin; unroll over a 9-inch pie plate for bottom crust. Gently fit into bottom and up sides of plate (don't stretch dough).
    Place lemon juice in a large bowl. Peel, quarter, and core apples; thinly slice crosswise, tossing with lemon juice as you work. Add sugar, flour, cinnamon, and salt to bowl; toss to combine.
    Fill bottom crust with apple mixture; lightly brush edge of crust with water. Place top crust over filling; press all around edge to seal with bottom crust. Using kitchen shears, trim to a 1-inch overhang; fold under itself to form a rim, and press to seal. Using thumb and forefinger, crimp rim.
    With a paring knife, cut five small slits in the center of pie; place pie plate on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake 20 minutes; reduce heat to 375 degrees F, and bake until crust is golden brown and juices are bubbling, 45 to 60 minutes more. If rim browns too quickly, cover it with aluminum foil. Let cool completely on a wire rack, at least 4 hours (or up to overnight) before serving.

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Men who regularly indulge their taste for chocolate may have a somewhat decreased risk of suffering a stroke, according to a study out Wednesday.


Swedish researchers found that of more than 37,000 men followed for a decade, those who ate the most chocolate had a 17 percent lower risk of stroke than men who avoided chocolate.

The chocolate-loving group typically had the equivalent of a third of a cup of chocolate chips each week.

The study, published in the journal Neurology, is hardly the first to link chocolate to cardiovascular benefits. Several have suggested that chocolate fans have lower rates of certain risks for heart disease and stroke, like high blood pressure.

But those studies do not prove that chocolate is the reason. And the new one, funded by the Swedish Council for working Life and Social Research and the Swedish Research Council, doesn't either, according to a neurologist not involved in the study.

"It's very important for people to take the news on chocolate with a grain of salt," said Dr. Richard B. Libman, vice chair of neurology at the Cushing Neuroscience Institute in Manhasset, New York.

The study was well done, Libman told Reuters Health, but it's what researchers call an observational study. That means investigators look for patterns, like whether chocolate lovers have fewer strokes. The results cannot prove cause-and-effect.

That, Libman said, would take a controlled clinical trial, where people would be randomly assigned to eat chocolate or not, without knowing what they were eating, then followed to see what their stroke rates were over time.

"I don't think a trial like that will ever be done," he said.

For one, Libman noted, that would mean feeding people a good dose of sugar, fat and calories for a long time.

The current findings are based on 37,100 Swedish men ages 49 to 75 who reported on their usual intake of chocolate and other foods. Over the next 10 years, 1,995 men suffered a first-time stroke.

Among men in the top 25 percent for chocolate intake, the stroke rate was 73 per 100,000 men per year.

That compared with a rate of 85 per 100,000 among men who ate the least chocolate, report the researchers, led by Susanna Larsson of the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.

Larsson's team had information on some other factors - like the men's weight and other diet habits, whether they smoked and whether they had high blood pressure. Even with those things considered, men who ate the most chocolate had a 17 percent lower stroke risk.

Still, Libman said, there could be unmeasured factors that would account for the chocolate-stroke connection.

It's always possible, he noted, that men who ate chocolate were already in generally better health, and saw themselves that way. So they might have felt freer to "indulge" in chocolate than other men did.

'JUST A THEORY'

There are reasons to believe chocolate could have real effects. "The beneficial effect of chocolate consumption on stroke may be related to the flavonoids in chocolate," Larsson said in a written release from the journal. (She could not be reached for comment.)

Flavonoids are compounds that act as antioxidants and may, based on studies, have positive effects on blood pressure, cholesterol and blood vessel function.

But Libman pointed out that the flavonoid theory is just that, a theory.

On top of that, chocolate does not corner the market on flavonoids. A range of plant foods contain various flavonoids - including many fruits (like berries, citrus and apples) and vegetables (like kale, spinach and broccoli), nuts, soy, tea and wine.

For now, Libman said the message is "everything in moderation." If you already eat chocolate now and then, and your waistline does not seem to be suffering, there's no reason to stop.

But adding the calories to your diet may not be wise. "You can't start advising people to eat chocolate based on this," Libman said. "Think of the negative effects that could result, like obesity and type 2 diabetes."

For women who are wondering if the current findings might apply to them, Larsson's team found similar results in a study of 33,000 Swedish women last year. But the same caveats also apply.

SOURCE: http://bit.ly/lucacj Neurology, online August 29, 2012.


**************************************
JOKES:

Five Toughest Questions for Men

 


The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met
you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

**************************************************
What Men Say but Really Mean

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!
What she says and what she Really means

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

************************************************

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!,
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is
actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced,
"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm
never going
to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 ****************************

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

************************

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

*******************************

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen ?

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .

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REMINDER FROM GOD:

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

"When all was ready, he sent his servant around to notify the guests that it was time for them to come. But they all began making excuses. One said he had just bought a field and wanted to inspect it, so he asked to be excused. Another said he had just bought five pair of oxen and wanted to try them out"

"Douglas Bernstein, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois, recently asked faculty members for the 'most unusual, bizarre and amazing student excuses' they had ever heard. He got dozens." Following are a few:

"An old favorite, but one professor's class established some sort of record when 14 out of 250 students reported their grandmothers' deaths just before final exams. In another class a student reported that he could not take the mid-term because his grandmother had died. When the instructor expressed condolences a week later, the student replied, 'Oh, don't worry. She was terminal, but she's feeling much better now.'

"I had an accident, the police impounded the car, and my paper is in the glove compartment."

"I can't be at the exam because my cat is having kittens, and I'm her coach."

"I need to take the final early because the husband of the woman I'm seeing is threatening to kill me."

Excuses go all the way back to Adam and Eve who said when they blew it, "The devil made me do it." Yeah. Right!
Sir Walter Scott put it realistically when he wrote, "Oh, what tangled webs we weave / When first we practice to deceive."

Of one thing we can be sure. God sees all and knows all. We can never deceive him. There will be no excuses when we stand before him on our final examination day, "As it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment."

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please deliver me from the self-deception of excuses. Help me always to tell the truth and accept responsibility for my foul-ups. And above all, help me to admit and confess to you all my failures and sins and seek your forgiveness. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

 Luke 14:17-19 (NLT).
 Hebrews 9:27 (NKJV).

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

    inimitable
    audio pronunciation
    in-IM-it-uh-bul

    DEFINITION

adjective
: not capable of being imitated : matchless

    EXAMPLES

"He is involved in roughly six projects, most of them part time and some dormant. Each is different from the others and to each, say those who work with him, he adds something inimitable." — From an article by Timothy Finn in the Kansas City Star, July 18, 2012

"For decades after '60 Minutes' launched in 1968, Wallace was arguably the best-known news figure on television, after Walter Cronkite. Wallace was to 'the interview' what Cronkite had been to the anchor chair—an authority figure with an inimitable style that was both aggressive and seductive." — From an article by Verne Gay in Newsday (Long Island, New York), April 9, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?

Something that is inimitable is, literally, not able to be imitated. In actual usage the word describes things so uniquely extraordinary as to not be copied or equaled, which is why you often hear it used to praise outstanding talents or performances. (The antonym "imitable" describes things that are common or ordinary and could easily be replicated or surpassed.) "Inimitable" derives via Middle English from Latin "inimitabilis." Be careful not to confuse it with "inimical" or "inimicable," two adjectives meaning hostile or harmful; those words derive from the same Latin root that gave us "enemy" ("inimicus").

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Pashmina Shawls:

All About Pashmina Shawls

Pashmina is a term widely used in describing a particular product made out of authentic wool, most often in scarf, shawls and other clothing apparels where the indigenous goat’s wool serves as its main material. Although, the name Pashmina Shawls has been widely used, still, the Pashmina created from a wool product coming from the Himalayas of Nepal is the best quality to select. Since, the Pashmina wool from Nepal has been renowned to be softer, lighter, warmer and more versatile when it comes to the actual use as compare to the other Pashmina. A lot of Pashima scarf and shawl manufacturers have been claiming that the raw material that they are using is from the Himalayas of Nepal in order to attract more customers since most people are aware that the best quality comes from the mountains of Nepal. So before making a purchase, it is very important to inspect the material of the product, how it feels like when being held on the skin since the Pashmina shawls and scarf tend to feel much warmer and softer among those materials from Cashmere.

The Pashmina scarf and shawl is known as one of the most versatile clothing line accessory being used traditionally by Indians. These shawls come with different styles and types where everyone can choose from depending on their need as well as preference. One of the most distinct diversity between the two raw materials is the diameter of the fiber, since the Pashmina fiber appears to be lighter, firmer and longer which makes it as a perfect raw material in making light weight clothing apparels. On the other hand, the Cashmere fiber sometimes appears to be a little bit rougher in texture as compared to the pure Pashmina fiber. There was a certain period on the 1990’s where people developed a craze with Pashmina scarf and shawls which eventually resulted in a much higher demand that the actual supply. Instances like this one has lured the manufacturers into using other raw materials in order to produce more by-products and that is where product combinations of Pashmina, Cashmere and silk took place.

At present, the use of Cashmere and Pashmina fiber has been well practiced by other manufacturing companies since the changthangi goats are considered indigenous so their ability to produce massive amount of wools is greatly limited. That is why; wool and silk combination has been made possible in order to replace the extensive need for wool products. During the earlier period, the Pashmina Shawls create from Cashmere fibers are claimed to be of superior quality. However, the claim is untrue since the Cashmere fibers were combined with silk thus creating the softness of the actual by-product. This combination between Cashmere and silk resulted into the consuming markets’ redefinition of the actual meaning of Pashmina which eventually led to the rise of other product imitations such as the viscose made shawls that are often marketed as authentic Pashmina material and others alike. That is why, in order to get the most authentic Pashmina shawls it is best to know its distinct features as compared to other combination materials.

History of Pashmina Shawls

The Pashmina Shawls has been well renowned as one of the longest manufacturers of designer scarf and cashmere shawls throughout history but what everyone is not aware about is the true history behind this outstanding designer clothing accessory. The brand Pashmina came from the main material used for manufacturing shawls during the earlier periods which is the combination of authentic cashmere wool and specialized textile. During the earlier times, the traditional wool material only comes from the specialized breed of Pashmina goats also known as changthangi goats. Unlike the other traditional type of goats, the Pashmina goat is much different in terms of the quality of the cashmere wool that it can produce. Since, these indigenous goats are cultured in the mountains of Himalayas in Nepal, northern India as well as in Pakistan where the weather is relatively colder. As a result the changthangi goats was able to properly adapt with the cold weather in the Himalayas thus developing a more prominent skin, thicker wool, more warn and lighter fiber as compared to those being produced by ordinary goats from other parts of the world.

The cashmere wool fiber produced by Pashmina goats was generally called Pahsmineh or pashm made and manufactured in the country of Persia where its discovery first took place. Based on sources, several historical evidences found Kashmir Afgan texts showed that the used of goat wool in making shawls was first discovered between the 3rd century BC and the 11th century AD. However, Zayn-ul-Abidin, the 15th century rule of Kashmir was known as the founder of the cashmere wool industry where he introduced the functions of weavers from Central Asia. During those period, there is a great competition between Pashmina shawls and Cashmere shawls where the diversity if the two products can only be measured with the warmth and actual texture of the item. Although, both Cashmere and Pashmina made shawl was derived from the same raw material from mountain goats; still there is a distinct difference between the two by-products. And that specific diversity between the two can only be discovered after thorough inspection and further comparison of the two by-products in terms of its texture, strength as well as adaptability to every clientele’s need and preference.

According to different sources, one of the most distinct differences between the Cashmere and the Pashmina is the fact that the Pashmina fiber is relatively thinner, finer and lighter which makes it as the most perfect material in making fine light weight scarf and shawl. However, at present there is a lot of confusion with the use of Pashmina fiber in manufacturing fine apparel like scarf and others alike since a lot has been naming their end product as the Pashmina shawls which makes it difficult for everyone to determine the real one. That is why, the best thing to do is to find the Pashmina Shawl that has been created using wools from goats of Himalayas in Nepal since it has been known as the main source of the best quality of wool fibers.


Important Facts About Pashmina Shawls

he term Pashmina comes from the Persian word pashm which means soft, light and silky. The original pashm wool only comes from the chanthangi goats of the Himalayas in Nepal where the indigenous goats are being cultured in a relatively cold weather that has lured them to develop a thicker protective skin and wool in order to survive. Unlike the traditional farm goats, the changthangi goats appear to be smaller in size but they are known to have a thicker and higher quality of wool. The wools that these indigenous goats can produced are composed of thinner and shorter microns thus giving its unique soft and silky texture when being used in manufacturing clothing materials. The Cashmere fiber also spelled as Kashmir are raw materials that has been widely used at present in manufacturing woolen shawls and other clothing line apparel. The Cashmere fiber is often combined with materials like silk in order to produce a softer end product since unlike the authentic wool produced by the home-grown Pashmina goats, the Cashmere fiber tends to be rougher in the actual texture.

Although, the traditional Pashmina Shawls has been used as a protective garment against the cold weather, still, the city of Kashmir has been marked as the original innovator of its used all over the world. It was Emperor Akbar of Mughal was the one who initiated a big change with the actual style and design of the traditional clothing apparel. As he was astonished by how the four fold shawl looks when being world against the shoulder, he then encouraged the weavers in trying on new motifs and styles in folding the traditional shawl. This unique interest of Emperor Akbar has led to his discovery of styling and wearing the Pashmina shawls and scarf without folds, finding out that even without stylish folds the wraps look good against people’s shoulder and neck. Thereafter, Emperor Akbar was encouraged to overtake the city of Asteh located in Punjab, the city was considered as the center of shawl-making thus giving the Emperor the best idea of controlling their abilities in order to produce more superior quality of shawls and wraps.

The Emperor Akbar, still not contented with the innovations that he implemented in wearing and designing the traditional shawls, has instructed his weavers’ to start with designing twin Pashmina apparels. The purpose of the Emperor for creating the twin shawl is to hide the rough edges of the single weaved shawl since with this design the two different wraps are weaved together back to back in order to hide the unwanted spots of the cloth. What’s even more desirable about the twin wrap is the fact that it gives the unique impression of a single reversible wrap. Although, the Pashmina has been widely used by both Indians and Persians, still there is a distinct difference between the two. Unlike the Persians, the Indians used Pashmina shawls by simply folding it across the shoulders while the Persians use it as a girdle and wrap it against their waist. At present, some old Parsis still wore their wrap and shawls traditionally on their waist especially during performance of religious ceremonies as a sign of respect and fidelity.


 Introduction
Pashmina shawls became a part of every woman’s accessories. Before, it was mostly used to provide warmth for the person who is wearing it. It can be wrapped around the shoulder or around the neck. However, as the years progress, these kind of shawls are used not only to provide warmth but to provide fashion as well. It was in the 90’s that the shawl gained its popularity. It was being acknowledged across the world, making its market very huge. Since then, pashmina were just known as ordinary wraps or shawls. Some people disregarded the fact where the fabric is really made of all they know is that it looks good and can give warmth.

Pashmina shawls are made from wild mountain goats that are commonly found in the Asian region. These special breeds of goats, which are the Capra Hircus, can be found in the Himalayan ranges. It is said that a Kashmiri ruler introduced pashmina in India, by brining with him weavers. Pashmina is a favorite winter clothing accessory by the kings and queens in India. Pashmina wool is like a native type of cashmere fiber. That is why it is most recognizable as cashmere instead of pashmina fiber.

Before, the Himalayans, has the highest production cost of cashmere fibers, since the Capra Hircus originated form that area, however since the production of cashmere fiber in the Gobi desert it is known that they produce cashmere, which are more expensive than the one produced in the Himalayans. Capra Hircus also eat grass, however unlike sheep, they tend to eat even the roots of the grass, making their habitat a desert. Meaning, Capra Hircus can cause damage to the environment, simply by forming a desert and thus attracting sandstorms every year.

Pashmina shawls are being produced through the inner wool that is being shed by the pashmina goats, they are embroidered and hand woven to create shawls. Pashmina fibers can be categorized as a finer type of cashmere fiber. The distinction though of a pashmina to cashmere is it has thinner fiber than that of cashmere. Most people who know the difference would actually feel it when wearing pashmina. It is more lightweight and has different warmth in it. A good quality pashmina is made of a cashmere fiber. Since its origin is in Nepal and India, original pashmina can be found here in these countries.

With the popularity though, there are some variations being produced to create pashmina. Since having 100% pashmina wool can be very expensive. Most market would sell a variation of cashmere and silk, which can be very soft or cashmere and cotton, which can be very affordable than the pure cashmere pashmina. People from Tibet and Himalayan, still produce a pure, original pashmina, which can cost more than 500 US dollars. What makes it very expensive is because of the perfected craftsmanship of the Tibetan people. Pashmina sizes differ from its purpose. While pashmina shawls are of full size (36 x 80 in), pashmina scarf size on the other hand is 12 x 60 inch.


How to Take Care of It
Pashmina shawls can be very delicate, however with the materials that it is made of and knowing the proper way to care for a person’s pashmina, it will surely last for years. The best way to clean pashminas when it is dirty is to bring them into a dry clean. Most people who works in a dry clean, knows the ins and outs of what is good in a fabric when cleaning them. They have mastered the skills of removing stains and dirt and at the same time take care of the fabric. So it is safe to say that dry cleaning is the best option.

However, for those people who want to take care of their pashminas on their own, there are simple ways to follow when cleaning pashminas. First and foremost is to know what type of fabric detergent needs to be used. Remember that there are several types of pashmina like silk, cashmere, wool and embroidered pashmina. Choose a fabric detergent that is compatible on the type of fabric that the pashmina is made of, it can be frustrating to ruin a good pashmina on a detergent. Next thing a person needs to know is to avoid putting pashmina shawls inside a washing machine.

Fabrics that comprise a pashmina can be very delicate; therefore putting it in a washing machine can have a bad effect on one’s pashmina. One reason why pashmina should not be put on a washing machine is because it might cause some tangling on the fabric, which can ruin the weave of each pashmina. Make sure though that when using a detergent to not directly pour the detergent on the pashmina, dissolve the detergent on the water first before hand washing the pashmina. Pashmina can have the tendency to loose its shape when wet.

So when drying, always make sure to lay it on a flat surface and then let it dry on its own. Remember that using a machine can just ruin the fabric of the pashmina, so do not use a dryer as well when dealing with pashmina. Once it all dries out, a person can now iron the pashmina shawls. When ironing pashmina, when ironing this type of clothing, always check that it has the right temperature in it. Too much heat will ruin the pashmina, as much as possible when ironing a pashmina; try to use an extra piece of clothing or fabric to be put in between the iron and the pashmina.

The person might as well avoid frequent washing of pashmina as it may cause damage and can ruin the look in pashmina. When storing pashmina shawls, make sure that it is safe from moth. However, putting mothballs is not advisable as it can leave an unpleasant smell on the fabric. There are other ways to prevent moth from coming near the pashminas so be sure to check home remedies or natural alternative in doing so. These home alternatives can greatly help the person maintain a good looking pashmina all year long.


Types of Pashmina
Pashmina shawls have different types, which vary in different countries where it is being used since it became well known worldwide. In other countries it can be used as a head accessory, while in some countries it can be used as a neck accessory. However, tying it around the neck like a necktie is the most common use of pashmina almost anywhere in the country. The most common type of pashmina that are tied around the neck is the pashmina scarf. This is a small size of pashmina that is commonly popular for its use. Pashmina scarf can be either used as an accessory or for its use, which is to provide warmth.

Pashmina silk can be used in formal attire and can vary in different monotone colors. It can as well be used to accessorize casual outfits for everyday use. The difference between a pashmina scarf and a pashmina shawl, besides its size is the variance of its colors. Pashmina scarves tend to be colorful at times and can have different designs embroidered in them, while pashmina shawls only have one tone. Pashminas are mostly used during the winter season, when the weather is colder.

There are some people that use pashmina even after winter, which in some cases during summer as an accessory. One of the reasons that make pashmina so popular is because of its flexibility, a person can use it anytime of the day, and anywhere he/she goes. Pashminas are very affordable, unless of course it is a pure pashmina that is made of cashmere, it can be bought online and at any fashion stores around the country. However, there is one type of pashmina that can be a bit expensive from the regular pashmina scarf or shawl. This type is the embroidered pashmina.

What makes it a little bit expensive is because of how it is being made. Pashmina shawls are being hand woven and adding embroidery to it is a little bit of effort added when making pashmina. Embroideries that are being applied are of course hand made as well, since pashmina are to be treated very delicate because of its thinness. Since embroidery can be a very tedious process, it is usually done manually instead of using machines for labor. Every designs of an embroidered pashmina are being done intricately, plus every design in each pashmina is different, which makes them very unique.

Cashmere pashmina shawl are a very popular type of pashmina in India. It is made from the wool of a cashmere goat, which is very soft. Cashmere pashmina shawl are usually the most preferred type of pashmina because of its comfort ability, it is lightweight and at the same time its warmness. A pashmina that is made of cashmere fabric can be an alternative to jackets. Pashmina as a headgear can be used during a bad hair day. This is a great idea for those people who are always on the go and does not have time to blow dry and style their hair.


Where to Get Them
Since the popularity of pashmina shawls, there are several markets that produce pashminas and either sell it online or sell it through any fashion boutiques. However, its mass production can sometimes create confusion to those who are first time buyers of pashmina. Some of the stores claim that they sell authentic pashmina shawls but unfortunately, it is not made of 100% pashmina or cashmere wool. To know where to buy the best pashmina is to check every store details. If a person is buying for the first time, they could try researching first about pashminas.

Next is to check all stores that sell pashmina, if the person is buying online there are information about that particular stores and information about the products that they sell. Original pashminas are very expensive, the ones that are made in Nepal and India. These are pashmina shawls made directly from the wool of a special breed of goat that lives in the mountain ranges of Himalayans. These kinds of pashminas are hand woven and intricately made by craftsmen who have become an expertise into weaving delicate cashmere fiber. It can be very hard to identify the original pashmina to the other variations; however, a person can tell the difference by touching the fabric.

A combination of cashmere and silk are the most produced type of pashmina. It is cheaper and is easier to find. Because of its availability, most market can produce large numbers of pashmina where they can benefit from since it is in demand in the market. Cashmere and silk can produce a soft and lightweight fabric, which can be a good alternative for an original pashmina. Another variation is the combination of acrylic and viscose, which is a synthetic fiber. It is also mistaken sometimes as being the original pashmina. It can also provide comfort and warmth, however the softness is subtler. Unlike cashmere and silk, viscose and acrylics are more easier to find and much more cheaper to buy.

It is available in most stores and has also achieved popularity as the so-called pashmina shawl. Pashmina production can also be either hand woven or machine woven. With the development of the technology today most factories would opt to use machines when producing pashminas. It is much easier and faster, plus it can produce huge quantities in one day. However, what made hand woven pashmina very special is the extra effort that is being put into the product. What determines the price of a pashmina is its quality and material.

With proper care and proper storage, pashmina shawls can last a long time. It can be a great investment for most people. Imagine one item that can do a lot of things, a person can explore fashion with different styles that they can do with a pashmina shawl. Always remember that when buying a pashmina, always look at the quality of the material. Do not just look at the price, cheaper pashmina could mean cheaper quality and with cheaper quality, a person does not need to expect a longer lasting pashmina that can withstand time.

Tricks in Choosing the Right Pashmina Shawl For You

The Pashmina wool is well recognized as one of the finest Cashmere product in the whole world since it comes with a unique, softer and light weight texture than makes it a great material in making light weight and soft texture clothing apparel like scarf, wraps and other alike. The Pashmina shawls; scarf and wrap became very much popular as a luxurious clothing accessory during the mid 1990’s where people developed a craze with Pashmina products because of its great quality as a wool product and as versatile clothing apparel. Most Cashmere comes with plain Pahmina and others come with the jamawars styles which has both became in demand in the market during the 19th century. However, it was noted through history that the use of Pashmina shawls has been well practiced during the 3rd century BC up to the 11th century AD in the city of Kashmir. During those times, the city was led by Emperor Ashok which has been known to be one of the first users of the Pashmina as a clothing accessory.

But it was on the middle of his reign as a ruler during the 14th century AD when Sultan Zain-Ul-Abidin was considered as the official founder of the Pashmina wool and shawl industry in Kashmir where he introduced the ability of weavers from Central Asia to the Indian nation. Although, the ruler Sultan Zain-Ul-Abidin introduced the Pashmina shawl industry in Persia, still the used of the Pashmina clothing apparel has been widely used by the kings and queens as protective clothing from both hot and cold weather during the earlier periods. According to different sources, the innovations on the traditional Pashmina products where first initiated by emperor Akbar of Mughal. It was written in history that Emperor Akbar was the one who instructed the weavers in experimenting with different style, motif, colors as well as designs in order to greatly improve the quality of the weaver Pashmina shawls, wrap and scarf. The aforementioned act of Emperor Akbar has marked the great improvement in the wool and shawl industry which made a huge difference with the traditional by-products that has been introduced by the early weavers.

The used of different shoulder mantles and shawls has been of great help in serving as the first line of protective by both the rich rules and the poor peasants during the earlier centuries which is still being used at present time serving the same purpose and much more. The Pashmina Shawls has been well used as a clothing accessory that is why choosing the one made out of the most superior quality of wool and Pashmina fiber is the best way for this item to successfully serve its purpose. When purchasing a Pashmina scarf, wrap or shawl it is very important to compare its texture and warmth to other product being presented since the best indication of an authentic Pashmina is the warmth and light quality of the material. So it is very significant to inspect the product before purchasing it, select the single product that will give you the ultimate feeling of warmth, comfort and firmness that is the shawl made out of authentic Pashmina wool.
 
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RECIPE:

Smoky Shrimp and Grits


Total Time:  25 Minutes
Yield:  4

Old-school Southern cooks prepare grits with an abundance of butter and cheddar. To make the dish less heavy, Grace Parisi cuts back on the cheese, drops the butter altogether and adds spinach.  Tips from the F&W Test Kitchen

 INGREDIENTS
3/4 cup  quick-cooking grits
salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 ounces  sharp white cheddar cheese shredded (3/4 cup)
1 1/2 cups  baby spinach coarsely chopped
1/4 cup  snipped chives
1/4 cup  canola oil
2   large garlic cloves thinly sliced
1 pound  shelled and deveined medium shrimp
1/2 teaspoon  hot paprika
1/4 cup  dry white wine

DIRECTIONS
In a medium saucepan, bring 3 cups of water to a boil. Gradually add the grits and a generous pinch of salt. Cover and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, until the grits are thick and porridge-like, about 7 minutes. Season with salt and black pepper and stir in the cheddar cheese, baby spinach and chives; stir until the cheese is melted and the spinach is wilted. Cover the grits and keep warm.
In a large skillet, heat the canola oil with the garlic over high heat until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add the shrimp and paprika, season with salt and black pepper and cook until the shrimp are opaque, about 2 minutes. Add the white wine and cook until the shrimp are white throughout and the garlic-paprika sauce is slightly reduced.
Spoon the grits into bowls, top with the shrimp and sauce; serve.

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Beer Can Chicken with Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions

Yield:  4

In our family, you bet Beer Can Chicken is a staple. We’re always adding new twists to the recipe. Lately we’ve been hooked on serving it with these fantastic quick-pickled Vidalia onions - a classic Southern ingredient with an addicting amount of kick and pucker. No surprise here, but a Beer Can Shandy goes really well with this dish.

INGREDIENTS

3 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon light brown sugar
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
One 31/2-pound whole chicken, rinsed and patted dry
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
One 14.9-ounce can beer
Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions (see below), for serving

Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions:
1 large Vidalia onion, thinly sliced crosswise
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 teaspoon kosher salt
Pinch of cayenne pepper
Pinch of sugar
   
Beer Can Chicken with Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions Recipe at Cooking.com

DIRECTIONS

Make the Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions: Place the onion in a bowl. Toss with the vinegar, salt, cayenne, and sugar. Let the mixture stand for at least 30 minutes before serving.

Make the Chicken:

In a small bowl, combine the olive oil, mustard, brown sugar, chili powder, and garlic.
Season the chicken generously inside and out with salt and pepper. Slather the chicken inside and out with the mustard mixture.
Prepare the grill for indirect grilling and preheat to medium-high heat.
Pop open the beer can and pour out (or slurp up) the top 2 inches of beer. Place the beer can on a solid surface away from the grill. Place the bird cavity over the beer can.
Stand the chicken and beer upright on the grill grate. Close the cover and cook until the juices run clear when the chicken is pricked in the thigh with a fork, about 11/4 hours.
Remove the chicken from the grill and let stand for 10 minutes before carving. Serve with Sweet and Spicy Pickled Vidalia Onions.

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Greek Chicken

Yield: Makes 4 servings.

    4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves
    3 tablespoons lemon juice
    salt and pepper, to taste
    1 pound new potatoes, cut into 1-inch pieces
    3 tablespoons olive oil, divided
    1 zucchini cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
    1 green bell pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces
    1 oriental eggplant, cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
    1 medium onion, cut into 1-inch pieces
    3 cloves garlic, minced
    1 tablespoon tomato paste
    3 tablespoons chopped fresh oregano or 1 tablespoon dried oregano
    6 kalamata olives, pitted and sliced
    3 to 4 ounces feta cheese, crumbled

Preheat the oven to 400°F. Cut the chicken breasts across the grain into 1/4-inch-thick slices, toss with lemon juice, and season with salt and pepper. Set aside. Put the potatoes into a medium bowl, season with salt and pepper, sprinkle with 1 tablespoon of the olive oil, and toss. Spread the potatoes in a 13x9-inch baking pan and bake for 10 minutes. Remove from the pan and set aside, covered to keep warm. Put the remaining vegetables into the bowl, sprinkle with 1 tablespoon of olive oil, season with salt and pepper, and toss. Spread the vegetables in the baking pan and bake for 20 minutes, turning about halfway through. Add the remaining 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a hot skillet and saute the chicken pieces until done. Remove from the pan and set aside, covered to keep warm. Combine the tomato paste and 1/3 cup of water in the skillet and cook to reduce to 1/4 cup, scraping up the brown bits from the chicken. Remove the skillet from heat and add the oregano, olives, and chicken. Spread the potatoes and other vegetables on a large platter. Place the chicken/tomato sauce on top and sprinkle with the feta.

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Chicken Piccata

this recipe reminded us of how good chicken piccata tastes and, just as important, how quick it is to prepare.

Yield: 2 servings

Preparation Time: 20 minutes

Start to Finish Time: 20 minutes

    2 boneless, skinless chicken-breast halves (about 12 ounces total)
    1/4 cup all-purpose flour
    1 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    2 tablespoons olive oil
    1/2 cup dry vermouth
    1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
    1 tablespoon butter
    1 tablespoon capers, brine drained
    2 teaspoons grated lemon zest
    2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
    Lemon wedges

Slice each chicken-breast half into 2 pieces, lengthwise.

Place pieces between two sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; with a meat mallet or rolling pin, pound to 1/4-inch thickness.

In a shallow bowl or pie tin, combine flour, salt, and pepper. Dredge chicken in flour mixture and shake to remove excess.

In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, sauté chicken in olive oil, 2-3 minutes per side, or until no longer pink; transfer to warmed plates.

Discard oil. Add vermouth to pan and cook over medium-high heat 2 minutes, or until mixture is reduced by half, stirring to loosen browned bits from bottom. Stir in lemon juice, butter, and capers.

Return chicken to pan and coat well with sauce.

Plate chicken, spooning sauce over meat; sprinkle with lemon zest and parsley. Garnish with lemon wedges and serve immediately.

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Chicken with Lemon, Oregano, and Feta Cheese

A trio of Greek flavors gives these chicken quarters Mediterranean flair. The cheese is sprinkled over the cooked chicken, which is then broiled until golden.

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 37 minutes
   
INGREDIENTS:
 
1 whole chicken, (3 to 3 1/2 pounds) quartered
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
1 tablespoon butter, cut into 4 pieces
1 1/2 ounces feta cheese, crumbled (about 1/3 cup)

DIRECTIONS:

Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Coat the chicken with the oil; arrange the pieces, skin-side up, in a large roasting pan. Sprinkle the chicken with the oregano, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Top each piece of chicken with a piece of the butter.

Cook the chicken until the breasts are just done, about 30 minutes. Remove the breasts and continue to cook the legs until done, about 5 minutes longer. Remove the roasting pan from the oven; return the breasts to the pan. Top the chicken pieces with the feta cheese. Press any cheese that rolls off into the pan back onto the chicken. Baste the chicken with the pan juices.

Heat the broiler. Broil the chicken until golden brown, about 2 minutes. Serve with the pan juices.

Wine Recommendation: This Greek-flavored dish will go nicely with a number of rustic, spicy red wines. Try finding a bottle from the Greek island of Paros or Santorini. Another alternative would be a syrah-based wine such as a Crozes-Hermitage.

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Cheddar-Crusted Apple Pie

A hint of cheddar cheese in the pie crust lends a savory contrast to the traditional apple filling. Cutting steam vents in the top crust allows excess moisture to escape and lets you see the juices bubbling.


Serves: 10
Total Time: 4 hr
Prep Time: 25 min

Ingredients
   
    4 tablespoon(s) all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
    1  recipe Cheddar Double Pie Crust Variation
    2 tablespoon(s) fresh lemon juice
    4 pound(s) Granny Smith apples
    3/4 cup(s) sugar
    1 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
    1/2 teaspoon(s) salt

Directions

    Preheat oven to 425 degrees F, with rack in lowest position. On a floured piece of parchment paper, roll each disk of dough to a 14-inch round with a floured rolling pin. Transfer one round to a baking sheet for top crust; refrigerate. Wrap second round of dough around rolling pin; unroll over a 9-inch pie plate for bottom crust. Gently fit into bottom and up sides of plate (don't stretch dough).
    Place lemon juice in a large bowl. Peel, quarter, and core apples; thinly slice crosswise, tossing with lemon juice as you work. Add sugar, flour, cinnamon, and salt to bowl; toss to combine.
    Fill bottom crust with apple mixture; lightly brush edge of crust with water. Place top crust over filling; press all around edge to seal with bottom crust. Using kitchen shears, trim to a 1-inch overhang; fold under itself to form a rim, and press to seal. Using thumb and forefinger, crimp rim.
    With a paring knife, cut five small slits in the center of pie; place pie plate on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake 20 minutes; reduce heat to 375 degrees F, and bake until crust is golden brown and juices are bubbling, 45 to 60 minutes more. If rim browns too quickly, cover it with aluminum foil. Let cool completely on a wire rack, at least 4 hours (or up to overnight) before serving.


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Can softer music, lighting help people eat less?


Just as music and lighting can influence what shoppers buy, toning down the tunes and dimming the lights in a fast food restaurant can help diners enjoy their meal more and eat less, according to a U.S. study.

After transforming part of a fast food restaurant in Illinois with milder music and lighting, researchers found that customers ate 18 percent fewer calories than other people in the unmodified part of the restaurant.

"When we softened the lights and softened the music in the restaurant it didn't change what people ordered, but what it did do was lead them to eat less and made them more satisfied and happier," said Brian Wansink, a professor of marketing and consumer behavior at Cornell University in New York.

In the study published in the journal Psychological Reports, Wansink and his co-author Koert Van Ittersum, of the Georgia Institute of Technology, said the bright lights, stimulating colors, sound-reflecting surfaces and loud music in fast food restaurants are not designed to be relaxing.

So they improved the mood in a section of a Hardee's restaurant for the study, adding plants, paintings, indirect lights, tablecloths, candles and instrumental music.

After seating customers in both the original and restyled sections of the restaurant, they timed how long their meal lasted and how many calories they consumed. Customers in the modified section ate longer than those in the main dining area, consumed fewer calories and rated the food as more enjoyable.

"Spending that extra time eating a little more slowly at a more relaxed pace made a world of difference, not just to how much they ate but how much they liked it," said Wansink, a former executive director of the U.S. Department of Agriculture Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion and the author of the book "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More than We Think."

"These results suggest that a more relaxed environment increases satisfaction and decreases consumption," he added.

About one in three adults and one in six children and teens in the United States is obese, according to government figures. Wansink, who is sending the findings to restaurant chains, said some simple changes could help people eat better and enjoy food more.

"If softer music and softer lighting seem to get people to eat less in a fast food situation, why not try the same thing at home?" said Wansink.

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JOKES:

You might be a REDNECK if...       
    ...the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.


"Come to the edge, he said. They said:
We are afraid. Come to the edge, he
said. They came. He pushed them,
And they flew..."
- Guillaume Apollinaire

THINGS TO PONDER:  When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

CONFUCIOUS QUOTE:  I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

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An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They
   were in bed
   getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I
   should tell you I have
   acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute
   tits.
  
************************************************

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She
opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person
looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.
"You dumbass -- that's ME!

*******************************************

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
   Farmer: This dog don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
   Dog: Doin alright
   Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Dog: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
   takes me to the lake once a week to play.
   Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
   Farmer: Horses don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
   Horse: Cool.
   Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Horse: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
   me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
   elements.
   Farmer: (total look of amazement)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
   Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
   sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
  
**********************************

Tombstone Epitaph
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

**********************************

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after
arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone
rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .

5 comments View Entry

REMINDER FROM GOD:

How Does Your Garden Grow?

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."1

I read about one atheist who objected strongly to teaching religion in public schools. His argument was that children should be allowed to reach maturity then decide for themselves what they choose to believe.

Coleridge the poet, who heard the atheist invited him to join him in his garden which happened to be overgrown with weeds.

"What do you see?" asked Coleridge.

"It's nothing but a patch of weeds," replied the atheist.

"Yes," said Coleridge, "I decided to let the garden decide for itself what it should grow."

To leave a child without guidance would be a disaster and if we don't want to influence his thinking, why send him to school?

To train him in the way he should go involves training in every area of life—physically, intellectually, socially, emotionally, and spiritually—so that he becomes well balanced in every area of life and a mature, healthy, interdependent adult.

This takes a lot of wisdom, guidance, and instruction. It doesn't take care of itself. And what is the first and most effective teaching method? Modeling by example what we want our children to learn.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to model for my family the kind of person you want me to be so that they, seeing what you have done in my life, will want the same for themselves. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Proverbs 22:6 (NIV).

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

 ramose REY-mohs , adjective:
1. Having many branches.
2. Branching.

The exquisite naivete with which, in this passage, the Greek and Anglican Churches are represented as springing into vigorous ramose existence at the precise moment of abscission was too much even for my Protestant simplicity.
-- James Kent Stone, The Invitation Heeded

The ramose or branched root is more frequent than any other.
-- James Lawson Drummond, First Steps to Botany

Ramose is derived from the Latin word ramosus which meant "full of boughs."

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Proper Care for Your Pet Cockatiel

Cockatiels are those small cockatoos that originate
from Australia. They’re very popular as pet birds
because of their endearing nature.  Especially when
living without another bird, they can get very attached
and affectionate with their owner and be really sweet
birds to have.  Bear in mind though that cockatiels are
very demanding birds.

If you want to guarantee that they have the best
domestic life with you possible, make sure that you
know all the Cockatiel Care Secrets. You have to provide
them with the appropriate diet, get them a home that
can offer both relaxation and stimulation, and more
importantly, provide them with the love and attention
they’ll expect from you. Nothing says love and commitment
from a cockatiel owner as much as continued learning
about cockatiel care does.

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RECIPE:

Shaker-Style Lemon Pie

Active Time:  15 Minutes
Total Time:  1 Hour 55 Minutes
Yield:  Makes 8 servings

It’s not often that the lemon’s fruit is used in a recipe. In this pie, thin slices of lemon cook together into a thick, creamy filling. To decorate the top, lay parallel strips of waxed paper a few inches apart, dust with powdered sugar, then remove the strips.


 INGREDIENTS
2 cups sugar
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup water
2 tablespoons margarine or butter, melted
3 slightly beaten eggs
2 teaspoons finely shredded lemon peel
2 lemons, peeled, very thinly sliced, and seeded
Pastry for Double-Crust Pie
Sifted powdered sugar

Other necessary recipes:
Basic Pie Pastry

DIRECTIONS
In a large mixing bowl combine sugar, flour, and salt. Add water, margarine or butter, eggs, and lemon peel; stir till well combined. Gently stir in lemon slices.

Prepare and roll out pastry as directed. Line a 9-inch pie plate with half of the pastry. Transfer filling to pastry-lined pie plate; trim pastry even with rim. Cut slits in top crust. Place crust on filling. Trim, seal, and crimp edge of pastry.

To prevent overbrowning, cover edge of pie with foil. Bake in a preheated 400 degrees F oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil and bake for 10-15 minutes more, or till top is golden. Cool on a rack. Before serving, dust with powdered sugar. Store, covered, in the refrigerator.


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Individual Coconut-Lime Tartlets

Active Time:  35 Minutes
Total Time:  4 Hours 10 Minutes
Yield:  5 servings

These individual lime tarts garnished with lime slices will make you think of the tropics.

INGREDIENTS

For the Crust:
1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup unsweetened dried shredded coconut
3 tablespoons sugar
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, chilled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 large egg yolk
3 tablespoons chilled heavy cream

For the Lime Curd:
4 large eggs
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup fresh lime juice
1 teaspoon lime peel, minced
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), room temperature, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
5 thin lime slices
   
DIRECTIONS
FOR THE CRUST: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Mix flour, coconut, sugar and salt in food processor to blend. Add butter and mix until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Whisk egg yolk and cream in small bowl; drizzle over dry ingredients. Using on-off turns, process just until moist clumps form. Divide mixture equally among five 4-inch-diameter tartlet pans with removeable bottoms; press over bottom and up sides of pans. Pierce all over with fork; chill until firm, about 15 minutes. Bake until light golden brown, about 20 minutes. Transfer pans to rack; cool completely.

FOR THE LIME CURD: Fill bottom of double boiler with enough water to come 1 inch up sides of pan. Bring water to simmer over medium heat. Whisk eggs and sugar in top of double boiler to blend. Whisk in lime juice and peel; stir in butter pieces. Whisk over simmering water, until mixture thickens, about 15 minutes. Cool to room temperature.

DO-AHEAD TIP: Crusts and curd can be made 2 days ahead. Store crusts airtight at room temperature. Cover and refrigerate curd.

TO ASSEMBLE: Spread lime curd evenly over bottom of tarts. Chill until curd is set, at least 3 hours and up to one day. Top with lime slices and serve.


OPTIONAL GARNISH: Garnish tartlets with coconut shavings in place of lime slices. Coconut shavings can be found in bulk section of many health food stores. Or, buy fresh coconut, drain, open and make your own shavings by using vegetable peeler to remove strips approximately 2- to 3-inches long by 1/2-inch wide. Toast lightly at 275 degrees F until just tinged with color and to dry out the fresh coconut, about 10 minutes. You may toast purchased coconut too, if you like, but it isn't necessary.

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Baked Peach Pancakes


INGREDIENTS
4 eggs
2 tablespoons sugar
1 1/2 cups milk
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups flour
4-5 medium peaches, peeled and sliced
4 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup sugar mixed with 1 tablespoon cinnamon
1/4 cup brown sugar
   

DIRECTIONS
Beat eggs and add sugar, milk, oil and salt. Add flour and mix well. Let stand for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Butter two 9 inch round cake pans and sprinkle with some of the cinnamon sugar mixture. Arrange peach slices on pans and sprinkle with remaining cinnamon sugar and brown sugar. Dot with butter. Pour batter over peaches and bake 30-35 minutes until top is golden.

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Oversize Breakfast Biscuits



Active Time:  30 Minutes
Total Time:  1 Hour
Yield:  Makes 6 biscuits

"Saturday mornings at the deli are all about the biscuits," says Matt Neal. "Our friends, the farmers, everyone is always clamoring for them. Some people get two filled biscuits at a time, but that's a lot." When he's rolling out the dough, he gives it two turns to evenly distribute the butter and make the biscuits extra-flaky. Then he serves them with different fillings: house-made spiced pastrami (mustard is optional); cheddar and a breakfast-sausage patty; or classic strawberry jam.

INGREDIENTS
2 cups  all-purpose flour plus more for dusting
1 teaspoon  kosher salt
1 tablespoon  plus 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon  baking soda
2 tablespoons  chilled solid vegetable shortening
5 tablespoons  unsalted butter (3 tablespoons thinly sliced, 2 tablespoons melted)
1 cup  buttermilk

DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 475°. Position a rack in the upper third of the oven. In a large bowl, whisk the 2 cups of flour with the salt, baking powder and baking soda. Using a pastry blender, cut in the shortening until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Using your fingers, rub in the sliced butter, leaving large flakes of coated butter. Freeze the mixture until very cold, about 15 minutes.

Stir in the buttermilk until a raggy dough forms. Transfer the dough to a lightly floured work surface and press or roll into a 9-by-7-inch rectangle, about 3/4 inch thick. Fold the rectangle in thirds like a letter, then fold the rectangle in half to make a little package. Press or roll out the dough to a 9-by-7-inch rectangle again. Repeat the folding process once more, then roll the dough out one more time to a 9-by-7-inch rectangle. Using a 3 1/2-inch round cutter, stamp out 4 biscuits. Pat the scraps together and stamp out 2 more biscuits.

Arrange the biscuits on a large baking sheet and brush the tops with the melted butter. Bake for about 14 minutes, shifting the baking sheet halfway through, until the tops and bottoms are golden and the biscuits are cooked through.

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Baked Cheese Grits
   
  INGREDIENTS
4 cups of water
3 tablespoons butter
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup grits
1 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese
1/2 cup whole milk
2 large eggs
salt and pepper to taste
   
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Butter 8 by 8 inch glass baking dish. Bring water, butter and salt to a boil. Gradually whisk in grits. Reduce heat to medium, and cook until mixture thickens slightly, stirring often. Remove from heat.
Add both cheeses, and stir until melted. Season with pepper and more salt to taste. Whisk milk and eggs together in a small bowl. Gradually whisk egg and milk mixture into grits. Pour grits mixture into prepared dish. Bake until grits feel firm to touch in center, about 1 hour. They should be golden brown on top. Let stand for 10 minutes and serve.

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Shrimp & Cheddar Grits
   
Total Time:  25 Minutes
Yield:  4 servings

The South's version of creamy polenta, grits are easy to make on a weeknight—especially when topped with quickly broiled shrimp and scallions. Use the sharpest Cheddar you can find for these cheesy grits. Serve with: Sautéed greens and a tall glass of iced tea.

INGREDIENTS
1 14-ounce can   reduced-sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 cups  water
3/4 cup  quick grits (not instant) (see Shopping Tip)
1/2 teaspoon   freshly ground pepper, divided
3/4 cup  extra-sharp or sharp cheddar cheese
1 pound  peeled and deveined raw shrimp (16-20 per pound; see Shopping Tip)
1 bunch  scallions, trimmed and cut into 1-inch pieces
1 tablespoon   extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 teaspoon   garlic powder
1/8 teaspoon   salt

Tip: Shopping Tips:
Look for quick grits near oatmeal and other hot cereals or near cornmeal in the baking aisle.
Shrimp is usually sold by the number needed to make one pound. For example, "21-25 count" means there will be 21 to 25 shrimp in a pound. Size names, such as "large" or "extra large," are not standardized, so to be sure you’re getting the size you want, order by the count (or number) per pound. Both wild-caught and farm-raised shrimp can damage the surrounding ecosystems when not managed properly. Fortunately, it is possible to buy shrimp that have been raised or caught with sound environmental practices. Look for fresh or frozen shrimp certified by an independent agency, such as Wild American Shrimp or Marine Stewardship Council. If you can’t find certified shrimp, choose wild-caught shrimp from North America—it’s more likely to be sustainably caught.

DIRECTIONS
Position rack in upper third of oven; preheat broiler.
Bring broth and water to a boil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Whisk in grits and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until thickened, 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in cheese. Cover to keep warm.
Meanwhile, toss shrimp, scallions, oil, garlic powder, the remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper and salt in a medium bowl. Transfer to a rimmed baking sheet. Broil, stirring once, until the shrimp are pink and just cooked through, 5 to 6 minutes. Serve the grits topped with the broiled shrimp and scallions.

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JOKES:

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a try, run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
 

**************************************************
Like cats and dogs

What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.

  **************************************************

His and Her ATM usage from each other's point of view:

HIS (her point of view)
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Put car in park
3. Insert card
4. Dig around junk pile in front to look for tape case
5. Dig around junk pile in back to look for tape case
6. Play around with tapes
7. Put a tape in the player
8. Pull out tape
9. Put tape back in player reversed
10. Push play
11. Push stop, fast forward, stop, fast forward, stop rewind, stop, fast forward, stop ... okay now play
12. Enter transaction
13. Enter amount to be withdrawn
14. Enter lower amount to be withdrawn, not enough money in account
15. Enter lower amount to be withdrawn, not enough money in account
16. Ask for balance
17. Enter new amount to be withdrawn, 5 dollars lower than available balance
18. Get ten bounced check notices in the mail three days later

HERS (from his point of view)
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
 
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If Men *really* Ran The World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

************************************************

Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme re to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine."

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .

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