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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/10/2012 01:52:46

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Taking Risks

"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."1

How true it is, as someone (with tongue-in-cheek) said, "Blessed be he who aimeth at nothing for he shall surely hit it!" Or as another said, "Better to aim at the clouds and hit the tree tops than to aim at the tree tops and hit the ground."

To have meaningful goals in life is to risk failure. Not to have any goals may keep one feeling safe and comfortable, but it is to guarantee failure. "Equally comfortable," writes Peter Wagner, "is to define your goals in terms of what you happen to be doing at any given time. If you shoot first, then draw the target around the bullet hole, you'll never miss the bull's eye. If someone looks later, he might even call you a good marksman." Then you can brag about your accomplishments!

But this is not success. It is allowing life to shape you rather than you shaping your life and deciding how you want to invest it.

True success is to discover what God's purpose for your life is and then give life everything you've got to achieve that purpose.

Whatever that is, it's not failure that is a crime, but to have such a low aim that there is no chance of failure. Or, as somebody else put it, "Not to have a goal is more to be feared than not reaching it." If you tried and did your best, even if you failed to achieve all of your goal, you are already a success. All God requires is that we do our best.

Remember, however, if your goals are in harmony with God's purpose for you, he has already equipped you with the wherewithal to be able to achieve them. It's up to us to get well trained and learn how to effectively use these abilities. So, don't waste your life. Invest it in a worthwhile God-given life purposeâ€”a noble cause into which you can put your best efforts and be excited about it.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please give me the desire to find and the insight to discover my God-given life purpose and goals and, with your help, the courage and determination to pursue and reach them, and do so for your glory. May they always be in harmony with your will and be a part of what you are doing in the world today. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 (NIV).

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

     undulate
     pronunciation
    UN-juh-layt

    DEFINITION
verb
1: to form or move in waves : fluctuate
2: to rise and fall in volume, pitch, or cadence
3: to present a wavy appearance

    EXAMPLES
From the window of our bed-and-breakfast, we had a gorgeous view of the green hills undulating into the distance.

"Seeded with drought-tolerant California native plants, the 1.5-acre surface gently undulates, mimicking the surrounding hillsides." â€” From an article by Paul Sisson in the North County Times (Escondido, California), July 26, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?
"Undulate" and "inundate" are word cousins, sharing "unda," the Latin word for "wave," as their common ancestor. No surprise there. But would you have guessed that "abound," "surround," and "redound" are also "unda" offspring? The connection between "unda" and these words is easier to see when you learn that at some point in their early histories each of them essentially had the meaning of "to overflow"â€”a meaning that "inundate" still carries, along with its "overwhelm" sense.

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How To Be Happy In A Mostly Unhappy World

Everybody wants to be happy, but many people donâ€™t realize that happiness has to start with â€œyou.â€ If youâ€™re not content with your life and at peace with yourselfâ€¦ no amount of moneyâ€¦ no number of possessionsâ€¦ will ever make you truly happy. True happiness comes from learning to enjoy the life you are living right now and learning to appreciate all the wonderful things you have at this moment. Living for a future time and yearning for the things you donâ€™t have will never make you happy.

So what can we do to promote a cheerful attitude and feel happier?

    Slow down and notice the little things. This might be as simple as enjoying the scent of the soap in your morning shower, or the way the air feels after a rain. Feeling happy about a lot of little things throughout the day adds up and contributes to an overall feeling of contentment and happiness.
    I think that the spiritual part of your life is very important and that everyone needs to believe in something bigger than they are. As a Christian, I know that God is greater than any problem I am ever going to have, and for me this is a great source of peace.
    Build a close relationship with the people in your family and remember that they are the most important people in your world. Quality time comes out of quantity time, and often at the most unexpected moments. Treat your family with respect. Be thoughtful and kind and remember that words (even carelessly said) can hurt.
    Avoid jealousy and try to be forgiving. Harboring bad feelings or grudges can do you a lot of emotional harm. It may help to remember that you are who you are because of EVERYTHING that has happened to youâ€¦ good and badâ€¦ and that even the most hurtful things you have experienced have made you a stronger, more resilient person.
    Be honest with yourself and others. Donâ€™t be manipulative in your relationships, and donâ€™t lie or be deceptive. Dishonesty is a drain on your soul. Know what your values are and try to live up to them in everything you do.
    Keep your mind and body active. Try to stretch yourself mentally, even if it is just with a crossword puzzle or a game of Sudoku. Take a walk or do something physically challenging on a regular basis. Physical activity and mental stimulation are good for your health and your state of mind and will help you maintain a positive outlook on life.
    Set long term goals and work towards them. These goals donâ€™t have to be on a grand scale, but planning ahead to the future brings optimism and a sense of purpose to your life.
    Give yourself and your family a special treat once in a while. Do something a little bit out of the ordinary. It takes little effort to turn ordinary days into memorable days.
    Stay close to nature as much as you can. There is a satisfaction in working with growing and living things that you will never get from anything else.
    Most of all, dwell on what is good about your life NOW. Appreciate the day-to-day positives in your life NOW. Donâ€™t be so busy looking for happiness in the future that you miss out on the happiness you could be having today.

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RECIPE:

D.I.Y. Ricotta

yield: Makes 2 cups

Ingredients

    4 cups whole milk
    1 cup cream
    1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
    2-3 tablespoons lemon juice

Preparation

1. Combine 4 cups whole milk, 1 cup cream, 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, and 2 tablespoons lemon juice in a saucepan and bring just to a boil without stirring. Immediately remove pan from heat.

2. Let mixture stand for 15 minutes at room temperature. As time passes, the curds will begin to separate from the whey. If only a few curds form, your lemons may not be acidic enough; add another 1 tablespoon lemon juice, gently stir so you don't break up the curds too much, and let stand for 5 minutes more.

3. Using a large spoon (not slotted) or measuring cup, spoon curds into a cheeseclothlined sieve set over a large bowl. The longer you drain the ricotta, the denser and more flavorful the cheese will be. Add it to your favorite lasagna, or spread some on toast and drizzle it with honey for breakfast.

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D.I.Y. Ricotta

yield: Makes 2 cups

Ingredients

    4 cups whole milk
    1 cup cream
    1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
    2-3 tablespoons lemon juice

Preparation

1. Combine 4 cups whole milk, 1 cup cream, 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, and 2 tablespoons lemon juice in a saucepan and bring just to a boil without stirring. Immediately remove pan from heat.

2. Let mixture stand for 15 minutes at room temperature. As time passes, the curds will begin to separate from the whey. If only a few curds form, your lemons may not be acidic enough; add another 1 tablespoon lemon juice, gently stir so you don't break up the curds too much, and let stand for 5 minutes more.

3. Using a large spoon (not slotted) or measuring cup, spoon curds into a cheeseclothlined sieve set over a large bowl. The longer you drain the ricotta, the denser and more flavorful the cheese will be. Add it to your favorite lasagna, or spread some on toast and drizzle it with honey for breakfast.

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Creamy Butternut Squash Soup

I added just a splash of cream to this...delicious!

time
prep: 15 min
total: 55 min

servings
total: Makes 7 servings, 1 cup each.

    What You Need
    3    Tbsp. olive oil
    1    cup   chopped onion
    2    cloves garlic, minced
    2-1/2    lb. butternut squash, peeled, seeded and chopped
    2    cans   (14-1/2 oz. each) chicken broth
    1/2    cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Sour Cream
    8    slices OSCAR MAYER Bacon, cooked, crumbled

Make It

    HEAT oil in large heavy saucepan on medium heat. Add onion and garlic; cook and stir 4 min. or until tender.

    ADD squash and broth. Bring to boil. Reduce heat to low; simmer 40 min.

    POUR soup, in batches, into blender container; cover. Blend until smooth. Ladle soup into 7 individual bowls. Top each serving with sour cream and crumbled bacon. Serve with RITZ Crackers, if desired.

Kraft Kitchens Tips
    Substitute
    Substitute 2-1/2 lb. pumpkin, peeled, seeded and chopped, for the butternut squash.
    Special Extra
    For a little heat, sprinkle each serving with ground red pepper (cayenne).

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Easy Caramel Apple Bars

Bake the irresistible combination of caramel and apples in an easy cookie mix bar.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 2 Hr 55 Min
    SERVINGS 36

1/2    cup cold butter
1    pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty CrockerÂ® oatmeal cookie mix
1    egg
1    cup finely chopped peeled apple
3/4    cup caramel topping
1/4    cup Gold MedalÂ® all-purpose flour

DIRECTIONS:

    1 Heat oven to 350Â°F. Spray bottom of 13x9-inch pan with cooking spray.
    2 In large bowl, cut butter into cookie mix using fork or pastry blender. Stir in egg until mixture is crumbly.
    3 Reserve 1 1/2 cups cookie mixture. Press remaining cookie mixture into bottom of pan. Bake 15 minutes. Sprinkle apple evenly over crust. In small bowl, mix caramel topping and flour; drizzle over apples. Sprinkle reserved cookie mixture over apples.
    4 Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely, about 2 hours. For bars, cut into 9 rows by 4 rows.

Expert Tips
Empire, Regent and Spartan apples are good choices for baked apple desserts.
Skip the cooking spray and line pan with foil for quick cleanup and easy bar removal.

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Skillet Chicken & Dumplings

Very good & flavorful! I seasoned the chicken with garlic salt.Instead of peas & carrots I used broccoli & mozzarella cheese because it was on hand. It tastes even better t...read more

prep: 25 min
total: 40 min
servings total: 6 servings

    What You Need
    1    Tbsp. oil
    1    lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite-size pieces
    1    can (14 oz.) fat-free reduced-sodium chicken broth
    1/4    cup flour
    1/2    cup (1/2 of 8-oz. tub) PHILADELPHIA Chive & Onion Cream Cheese Spread
    1    pkg. (10 oz.) frozen peas and carrots
    1    cup all-purpose baking mix
    1/4    cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Sour Cream
    1/4    cup milk
    2    Tbsp. KRAFT Grated Parmesan Cheese
    2    Tbsp. chopped fresh parsley

Make It
    HEAT oil in large deep skillet on medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook and stir 4 min. or until no longer pink. Transfer to bowl.
    ADD broth gradually to flour in small bowl, whisking constantly until blended. Add to skillet; cook and stir on medium heat 2 min. or until thickened. Add cream cheese spread; cook and stir 3 min. or until melted. Remove from heat; stir in chicken and vegetables.
    STIR baking mix, sour cream and milk just until baking mix is moistened. Spoon into 6 mounds over mixture in skillet; cook on medium-high heat 2 min. Cover skillet; cook on low heat 15 min. or until chicken is done and toothpick inserted in dumplings comes out clean.
    TOP with Parmesan and parsley.

    Kraft Kitchens Tips
    Substitute
    Substitute 2 cups any frozen mixed vegetables for the peas and carrots.

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Pumpkin Streusel Cheesecake Bars

Chocolate and caramel drizzles add a new flavor punch to creamy pumpkin-oat bars.

    PREP TIME 45 Min
    TOTAL TIME 3 Hr
    SERVINGS 24

Cookie Base
1    pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty CrockerÂ® oatmeal cookie mix
1/2    cup crushed gingersnap cookies
1/2    cup finely chopped pecans
1/2    cup cold butter or margarine

Filling
2    packages (8 oz each) cream cheese, softened
1    cup sugar
1    cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)
2    tablespoons Gold MedalÂ® all-purpose flour
1    tablespoon pumpkin pie spice
2    tablespoons whipping cream
2    eggs

Toppings
1/3    cup chocolate topping
1/3    cup caramel topping

DIRECTIONS:

    1 Heat oven to 350Â°F. In large bowl, stir together cookie mix, crushed cookies and pecans. Cut in butter, using pastry blender or fork, until mixture is crumbly. Reserve 1 cup mixture for topping. Press remaining mixture in bottom of ungreased 13x9-inch pan. Bake 10 minutes. Cool 10 minutes.
    2 Meanwhile, in large bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Add remaining filling ingredients; beat until well blended. Pour over warm cookie base. Sprinkle with reserved topping.
    3 Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until center is set. Cool 30 minutes. Refrigerate about 2 hours or until chilled.
    4 Before serving, drizzle with chocolate and caramel toppings. For bars, cut into 6 rows by 4 rows. Store covered in refrigerator.

Expert Tips
A food processor can be used for even easier preparation. Place cookie base ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until crumbly. Reserve 1 cup for topping. Press remaining cookie base mixture in pan. Place filling ingredients in processor bowl; pulse until well blended. Continue recipe as directed.
To drizzle the toppings easily, place each topping in a small food-storage plastic bag, snip off a small corner of each bag and squeeze to drizzle toppings over bars.

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Did you ever wonder why squeak toys drive your dog crazy? Well, it actually goes back to a time when dogs had to hunt and kill prey to survive. Hunting is just a natural part of being a dog. The squeaky noises of prey animals would help dogs locate their prey - and the noises the prey made during the kill were very satisfying to a hungry dog. "Hunting" a squeaky toy gives your dog the same type of satisfaction. And the more the toy squeaks, the more excited your dog becomes. That's why so many dogs will try to "kill" the toy by destroying it and pulling out the squeaker.

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JOKES:

Perfect Headache Cure

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

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Hilarious   Redneck   Sex   Jokes

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

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Farmers Market

One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys"

"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.

"Ok, I'll take one" says the farmer "also I need a rooster, have you got any"

"No" replies the man "but we do have some cockrells. Will that do."

"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those also"

When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.

He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my cock, while I slap my ass"

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Signs You Might Be A Redneck

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

**********************************************

The villager who lost his donkey

A villager went to the city to visit his son.

He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

As he had no money, he went to a hotel where he found an open room and laid under the bed to rest.

Later on that night a couple came into the room and proceeded to make love on the bed.

The man compliments the girl and says:
"In your eyes I can see the whole world"

On hearing this the villager jumps out from under the bed and says:
"If you can see the whole world, can you see where my donkey is?

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Redneck Children

"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last eleven phil"

"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name."

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

3 comments

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/09/2012 04:11:16

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

2 comments

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/08/2012 06:39:34

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Our Daily Devotional:

Months of Darkness

Psalm 23:4, NIV: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

I've never lived in Alaska or anywhere else that far from the equator. I don't know what it is like to experience long periods of night that go on for months. While those who live there may be use to it; it is something I can only imagine would make me so very badly get tired of the dark, and hope for the light. Spiritual darkness is another matter, and it is something I am familiar with. In our walk with Christ, we are bound to occasionally find ourselves deep within the valley of the shadow of death. Spiritual darkness surrounds us and makes us so very badly hope for the light. As Christians, the light is always available to us just as Christ is within us. We need not fear as we walk through the valleys, but simply use everything at our disposal to bring the Light to life, and keep our focus on Him throughout the months of darkness.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- Matthew 5:3

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

heliotrope HEE-lee-uh-trohp , noun:
1. A light tint of purple; reddish lavender.
2. Any hairy plant belonging to the genus Heliotropium, of the borage family, as H. arborescens, cultivated for its small, fragrant purple flowers.
3. Any of various other plants, as the valerian or the winter heliotrope.
4. Any plant that turns toward the sun.
5. Surveying. An arrangement of mirrors for reflecting sunlight from a distant point to an observation station.
6. Bloodstone.

But the heliotrope envelope with the feminine handwriting and the strange odor immediately suggested queries along lines of investigation which had never before entered her thoughts.
-- George Gibbs, The Vagrant Duke

Blown by steady volumes of roaring wind, everyone's hair is riffled and tangled and leaping in antic wisps, and the heliotrope robes bulk like tumors but flip up in sudden swoops.
-- Edmund White, Forgetting Elena

Heliotrope literally meant "turn towards the sun" in Greek. Flowers that turned towards the sun became associated with this word.

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Accomplishing What Needs To Be Doneâ€¦ Efficiently, Quickly, and With As Little Stress As Possible

Eventually just about everybody comes to the realization that housework is never ending and involves drudgery, tedium, and getting your hands dirty. Itâ€™s a fact of life that if we want to live like civilized people in clean houses there will always be chores that need to be done.

What works best for me is to try to keep my house (and my life) as orderly and organized as I can ALL the time. I have learned to tackle bigâ€¦ or dreadedâ€¦ jobs in the early hours of the day because I am a morning person and that is when I can accomplish the most. Your most productive time may be at the other end of the day, but when youâ€™re not already exhausted, amazing amounts of work can be done even in short spurts of time.

Develop your own work routine, based on YOUR house, YOUR family, and YOUR lifestyleâ€¦ and then fine-tune that routine until you can accomplish what needs to be doneâ€¦ efficiently, quickly, and with as little stress as possible. Some people prefer to spend one day each week deep-cleaning the whole houseâ€¦ others prefer to clean or organize small areas each day. Once you find the time and the routine that works for YOU, everything suddenly becomes a little easier.

Here are a few other ideas that work for me:

    I have learned that when I take care of little things as soon as they happen, it prevents them from becoming big (problems, messes, whatever). Spilled juice, for example, takes only a few minutes to clean up when itâ€™s fresh, but is just one more sticky, discouraging mess to tackle if it is left for later. This same principle works for everything. It is always so much easier to take care of one thing than it is to tackle a long to-do list.
    Every morning I make the beds right away, then I look around the rooms and do a quick â€œpick up and put away.â€ I hang up clean clothes and put any dirty clothes in the hamper. If any family members who are old enough do this too, their rooms can stay relatively neat and clean all the time.
    I have learned what a valuable habit it is to put things back where they belong when I am finished with them. This one simple habit (and it IS a habit) can make an amazing difference in how your house looks. Kids can be taught to pick up their own toys before nap or bed timeâ€¦ this is a great behavior for kids to learn that will serve them well all their lives.
    I never let dishes accumulate. I have a dishwasher, but almost always I find itâ€™s so much easier to wash the dishes by handâ€¦ as Iâ€™m cooking or baking before food has a chance to become dried on. I soak the dishes in hot soapy water and they almost wash themselves. When the dishes are clean, I put them awayâ€¦ the entire dish washing process is taken care of quickly and with very little effort and the kitchen stays clean.
    I take wet clothes out of the washer as soon as the cycle stops. When Iâ€™m drying clothes on the lines outside, I shake each item hard before I hang it on the lineâ€¦ itâ€™s amazing how many wrinkles a good shake will eliminate. When Iâ€™m using the dryer, I take the clothes out of the dryer a few at a time (keeping the dryer running) and fold or hang all the clothes while they are still warmâ€¦ resulting in almost wrinkle-free laundryâ€¦ which is a good thing because I absolutely hate ironing!
    Then I put the clothes in the closets or in drawers where they are supposed to be! Immediately.
    And finally, every time someone takes a bath or a shower, they are expected to give the shower walls and tub a quick wipe down. This takes only a few seconds, but it goes a long way in helping the tub and shower stay clean and shiny.

All relatively easy and simple things to doâ€¦ but see what a difference they can make!

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RECIPE:

Honey Garlic Pork Chops -

Number of Servings: 6

Ingredients

    1/4 + 1/8 cup honey
    3 tbsp soy sauce
    6 cloves garlic, minced
    6 pork loin chops, boneless, trimmed of excess fat, 4 oz each

Directions
In a shallow dish, whisk together honey, soy sauce and garlic.
Coat chops in mixture.
Reserve left over honey mixture for basting.
Place chops on greased grill over med high heat, close lid and cook. basting 2 times.

Number of Servings: 6

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Grandmaâ€™s Fried Green Tomatoes!

Green tomatoes are a delicious side dish to complement any autumn meal. Use any that linger in the garden.

Serves: 4
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes


4 medium green tomatoes
1 large egg
3 tablespoons milk
1 1/2 cups Italian bread crumbs
2 tablespoons olive oil
Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)

1. Cut the tomatoes into thin slices.

2. In a small, shallow bowl, combine the egg and milk. Beat with a fork until mixed.

3. Put the bread crumbs on a small to medium size plate.

4. Add the olive oil to a non-stick skillet. Place on the stove top and turn the burner to medium heat.

5. Meanwhile, dip the tomato slices in the egg mixture and then coat on both sides with the bread crumbs.

6. Place the breaded tomatoes in the skillet. Cook on each side for 2 to 3 minutes or until golden brown.

7. When the tomatoes are cooked, put them on a paper towel-lined plate and pat gently with paper towels to get rid of the excess oil.

9. Sprinkle the tomatoes with grated Parmesan cheese, if desired, and serve.

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Boston Cream Bites

Blogger Brooke McLay from Cheeky Kitchen shares a favorite recipe for Boston Cream Bites. Teeny vanilla cupcakes become bite-sized Boston Cream Pies in this easy, eye-catching recipe! Learn to make this recipe with our how-to article.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 40 Min
    SERVINGS 48

1    box Betty CrockerÂ® SuperMoistÂ® French vanilla cake mix
1    cup water
1/3    cup butter, softened
3    eggs
1    cup prepared vanilla pudding
1    cup semisweet chocolate chips (6 oz)
3/4    cup whipping cream

DIRECTIONS:

    1 Heat oven to 350Â°F. Generously grease 48 mini muffin cups with shortening or cooking spray; lightly flour cups.
    2 In large bowl, stir together cake mix, water, butter and eggs until smooth. Spoon batter evenly into muffin cups.
    3 Bake 8 to 10 minutes or just until cupcakes spring back when touched lightly in center. Cool completely, at least 15 minutes. Remove from muffin cups to cooling rack.
    4 Using sharp knife, cut top off of each cupcake. Spoon rounded 1/4 teaspoon pudding onto center of bottom half of each cupcake. Cover with top halves of cupcakes.
    5 In small microwavable bowl, microwave chocolate chips and whipping cream uncovered on High 30 to 60 seconds or until chips are melted and mixture can be stirred smooth. Spoon chocolate mixture on top of each cupcake. Let stand until chocolate is set before serving. Store in refrigerator.

Expert Tips
Chocolate Boston Cream Pie. Try this recipe with chocolate cake mix, instead of French vanilla. A great twist on the classic flavor!
It's Party Time! These cupcakes make a great addition to any party table! Try toting them to your next holiday party and watch how happy you can make your friends or coworkers!

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Butternut Squash au Gratin

When kids say they love a veggie dish, you know youâ€™re on to something. Bacon, melty cheese and squash are hard to resist at any age.

time
prep: 25 min
total: 1 hr 15 min

servings
total: 8 servings

    What You Need
    1     butternut squash
    4    slices OSCAR MAYER Bacon, chopped
    1    small sweet onion, thinly sliced
    2    Tbsp. flour
    1/4    tsp. pepper
    1    cup chicken broth
    1-1/2    cups KRAFT Shredded Cheddar Cheese, divided

    Make It

    HEAT oven to 350ÂºF.

    CUT squash lengthwise in half; discard seeds. Cut each half crosswise into thin slices; remove peel. Place in large saucepan. Add enough water to cover squash. Bring to boil on high heat; simmer on medium-low heat 8 to 10 min. or until squash is tender.

    MEANWHILE, cook bacon in skillet until crisp, stirring occasionally. Remove bacon from skillet with slotted spoon, reserving 1 Tbsp. drippings in skillet. Drain bacon on paper towels. Add onions to reserved drippings; cook and stir 5 min. or until crisp-tender. Stir in flour and pepper; cook and stir 1 min. Gradually stir in broth; cook and stir 2 to 3 min. or until thickened. Remove from heat. Stir in 1 cup cheese.

    DRAIN squash. Arrange half in 8- or 9-inch square baking dish; cover with half the sauce. Repeat layers; top with bacon and remaining cheese.

    BAKE 25 to 30 min. or until squash mixture is heated through and cheese is melted.

Kraft Kitchens Tips
    Take Along
    This delicious vegetable side is sure to be a hit at your next party. Prepare it in an 8x8-inch Chinet BakewareÂ® baking pan, then secure the tight-fitting lid for easy transport to your potluck or other destination. The nonstick Chinet BakewareÂ® baking pan even doubles as a serving dish. And since itâ€™s microwaveable, itâ€™s the perfect pan for both storing and reheating any leftovers.
    Serving Suggestion
    Great served with cooked chicken, turkey or pork.
    How to Select and Prepare Butternut Squash
    Butternut squash has a smooth beige skin with slightly bulbous base. Typically weighing between 2 and 3 lb., this winter squash has an orange-yellow flesh with a sweet, slightly nutty flavor. To prepare, simply cut off both ends of the squash and peel before cutting squash lengthwise in half. Scoop out and discard the seeds and stringy fibers, then cut squash into cubes or slices as desired. If desired, squash can be cut up in advance. Store in tightly covered container in refrigerator up to 24 hours before using as desired.

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Cheesy Stuffed Butternut Squash

time
prep: 15 min
total: 1 hr 19 min
servings
total: 6 servings, 1/2 cup each

    What You Need
    1     butternut squash (2 lb.)
    1    cup water
    3/4    cup KRAFT Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese
    1/2    cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Sour Cream
    1    Tbsp. chopped fresh chives
    1/8    tsp. smoked paprika
    6     RITZ Crackers, crushed (about 1/4 cup)
    1    Tbsp. butter, melted

    Make It

    HEAT oven to 425ÂºF.

    CUT squash lengthwise in half; scoop out seeds. Add water to 13x9-inch baking dish; place squash, cut-sides down, in dish. Cover. Bake 40 min. or until squash is tender when pierced with knife. Cool 10 min. Transfer squash to cutting board; drain liquid from dish.

    SCOOP out squash into medium bowl, leaving 1/4-inch-thick shells. Add cheese, sour cream, chives and paprika to squash flesh; mix well. Spoon into shells. Mix cracker crumbs and butter; sprinkle over squash. Return to baking dish.

    BAKE 22 to 24 min. or until heated through.


Kraft Kitchens Tips
    Variation
    Prepare using KRAFT 2% Milk Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese and BREAKSTONE'S Reduced Fat or KNUDSEN Light Sour Cream.
    Substitute
    Substitute green onions for the chives.
    Food Facts
    While the smoked paprika adds nice flavor to this delicious side dish, this recipe can be prepared with regular paprika instead.

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Chicken-Chile Quesadillas

Layer classic Southwestern ingredients plus time-saving rotisserie chicken and prepared salsa for these quick tortilla triangles.

    PREP TIME 20 Min
    TOTAL TIME 20 Min
    SERVINGS 8

1    package (11.5 oz) Old El PasoÂ® flour tortillas for burritos (8 tortillas)
2    cups finely shredded Mexican cheese blend (8 oz)
2    cups shredded or finely chopped deli rotisserie chicken (from 2- to 2 1/2-lb chicken)
1    can (4.5 oz) Old El PasoÂ® chopped green chiles
1/4    cup sliced green onions (4 medium)
2    tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
1    cup Old El PasoÂ® Thick 'n Chunky salsa

1 Top one half of each tortilla with cheese, chicken, green chiles and onions. Fold other half of each tortilla over filling; press down with back of pancake turner. Lightly brush melted butter on both sides of each filled tortilla.
2 Heat 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat. Cook 2 filled tortillas at a time 3 to 4 minutes, turning once, until golden brown and thoroughly heated. Cut into wedges. Serve with salsa.

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JOKES:

THE TOILET

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I
left to take Care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in
the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry
epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this                                  before."

The Doctor   replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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CONFUCIOUS QUOTE: In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase.
Just take the first step." - Martin Luther King Jr.

You might be a REDNECK if...
     ...your secret family recipe is illegal.

THING TO PONDER:    What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
           Why do scars never go away?

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Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

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Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

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A Beautiful Woman
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!

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You Wanna Hear a Dirty Joke?

You wanna hear a dirty joke?

A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.

You wanna hear a dirtier joke?

He got back up and fell back down.

You wanna hear a clean joke?

He took a bath with Bubbles.

You wanna hear the dirtest joke so far?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

**************************************

Redneck Cop

There is a Redneck Cop sleeping in his cruiser one night.

All of a sudden he is awakened by a loud crash.

The cop gets out of his car and walks up the road a piece when he notices a car in the ditch.

"Damn" he says, "There's a car in the ditch!"

He takes out his notebook and writes "car in D-I-T-C-H" for his report.

He walk up the raod a bit further and notices another car in the ditch.

So he writes "another car in ditch....D-I-T-C-H" for his report.

The cop decides to head back to his car to make the report when he notices a head in the middle of the boulevard.

"Damn, somebody's head's in the middle of the boulevard!"

He gets out his notebook again and begins writing "head in middle of"

Then he thinks, boulevard? "B-O..." no, no "B-U..."

"Aww hell" he says and he kicks the head into the ditch

"D-I-T-C-H"

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PERSONAL NOTE: My tests came out nothing found. . sent out 3 biopsys, will find out about them later in the month, probably around the 25th. . Just wanted to let my friends that read my blog know that has been praying for me and anxious to know. . thanks for the prayers, now we still have to find out what is causing this crazy problem. . like what it did, I am a tiny woman now just what I have always wanted....smile

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/05/2012 09:18:31

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Don't Be a Part of the Living Dead

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."1

Frank Lloyd Wright, the world-famous architect, tells how a lecture he received at the age of nine helped set his philosophy of life. An uncle, a stolid, no-nonsense type, had taken him for a long walk across a snow-covered field. At the far side, his uncle told him to look back at their two sets of tracks. "See, my boy," he said, "how your footprints go aimlessly back and forth from those trees, to the cattle, back to the fence then over there where you were throwing sticks? But notice how my path comes straight across, directly to my goal. You should never forget this lesson!" "And I never did," Wright said. "I determined right then not to miss most things in life as my uncle had."2

To experience the wonders of life we need to be in touch with all of our God-given emotionsâ€”including the emotion of wonder. "Life without emotions," said one humorist, "would be like playing a trombone with a stuck slide," which of course would be dreadfully monotonous and boring. The same is true when one's emotion of wonder is repressed, the effects of which are to be characteristically bored with life.

Emotions are God-given. They are a vital part of living a life with vitality, joy and wonderment. So learn to enjoy the emotion of wonder. Learn to let your hair down more often. Have fun. Hang loose. Go with the flow. Plant a tree. Write a poem. Draw with your non-dominant hand. Tell your spouse and kids how much you love them â€¦ tell them now and tell them often. Get out of your ruts. Do something different. Stretch your imagination. Step out of your comfort zone.

As Robert Frost said in his poem, "Road Less Traveled," "I shall be telling this with a sigh / Somewhere ages and ages hence / Two roads diverged in a wood / And I took the one less traveled by / And that has made all the difference."

And by the way, being in touch with all of your God-given emotions and using them as God intended is a vital part of being whole and living the abundant life Jesus spoke about. It's also being authentic. Repressed people are a part of the living dead.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be in touch with all of my God-given emotions and use them as you intended. Help me to be authentic and free, and an open channel through whom your love can freely flow. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV).

Colossians 3:12-14 You are the people of God; he loved you and chose you for his own. So then, you must clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you. And to all these qualities add love, which binds all things together in perfect unity.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

stravage â€¢ struh-VAYG â€¢ verb
: to roam

Examples:
"I was living at Gray's Inn in those days, and we stravaged up Gray's Inn Road on one of those queer, unscientific explorations of the odd corners of London in which I have always delighted." â€” From Arthur Machen's 1922 novella The House of Souls

"Eleanor sees widowed Lindsay and single-mother Paula stravaging along the streets with their respective children, Noah and Toby, and invites them in...." â€” From a book review by Lucille Redmond in the Evening Herald (Ireland), January 10, 2009

Did you know?
A synonym of "roam," "wander," and "ramble," "stravage" (also spelled "stravaig") isn't likely to pop up in your local newspaperâ€”unless you're stravaging in Scotland or one of its neighbors. "Stravage" is not a new word; our earliest evidence of it dates to the late 18th century, when it likely developed by shortening and alteration from the now-archaic word "extravagate," a synonym for "stray" and "roam" that can also mean "to go beyond proper limits." Note that if you use it correctly, you won't be extravagating by using "stravage"â€”no matter where you call home.

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Wonderful Interaction with Parrots at Jungle Island

One of the awesome places to visit in Miami â€“ and there are plenty â€“ is the Jungle Island, formerly
called Parrot Jungle. It used to have that name for obvious reasons. Their collection of parrots is huge.
Of course, they have other jungle animal attractions, of which the most talked about are the ligers - these
amazing, massive felines that are part-lion and part-tiger.
As soon as you enter the place your exposure to parrots starts. As opposed to other aviaries, Jungle Island
actually allows you to feed parrots and other animals â€“ only specific ones, of course, and not all of those available
in the place. If you want to encounter A LOT of parrots, Jungle Island is the place for you.

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RECIPE:

Slow Cooker Italian Beef Stew

Give savory beef stew a Tuscan twist with Italian seasoning, cannellini beans and crushed tomatoes.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 12 Hr 30 Min
    SERVINGS 6

1    pound beef stew meat
1    teaspoon beef base
3    large carrots, cut into 1-inch pieces (2 cups)
2    medium stalks celery, cut into 1-inch pieces (1 1/2 cups)
2    cloves garlic, finely chopped
1    medium onion, coarsely chopped (1 1/2 cups)
1/4    teaspoon pepper
1    can (19 ounces) ProgressoÂ® cannellini (white kidney) beans, rinsed and drained
1    can (28 ounces) crushed tomatoes in puree, undrained
1    jar (12 ounces) beef gravy
2    teaspoons Italian seasoning
1    teaspoon sugar
2    cups Green giantÂ® frozen cut green beans (from 1-pound bag)

    1 Place beef, beef base, carrots, celery, garlic, onion, pepper, kidney beans, tomatoes and gravy in order listed in 3 1/2- to 4-quart slow cooker.
    2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 10 to 12 hours.
    3 Stir in Italian seasoning, sugar and frozen green beans. Increase heat setting to high. Cover and cook 15 minutes or until green beans are tender.

Expert Tips

If you can't find white kidney beans, red ones will taste just fine.

The Italian seasoning is added at the end to preserve its flavor.

Serve a tossed green salad and hot garlic bread to round out this meal.

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Cheddar-Parmesan Puffs with Dipping Sauces

Bake these cheesy appetizers made using Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ cheese sauce and BisquickÂ® mix â€“ perfect for a crowd.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 45 Min
    SERVINGS 46

1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy three cheese cooking sauce
1    egg
2    cups Original BisquickÂ® mix
1 1/4    cups shredded Parmesan cheese

Dipping Sauces, If Desired
    Reserved cooking sauce, heated
    Marinara sauce, heated

    1 Heat oven to 375Â°F. Grease cookie sheets.
    2 In medium bowl, beat 1 cup of the cooking sauce and the egg with whisk until well blended. Stir in Bisquick mix and cheese just until moistened. Drop dough by heaping measuring teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart onto cookie sheets.
    3 Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until puffed and golden brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet. Serve warm with dipping sauces.

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Spinach and Mushroom Stuffed Chicken Breasts

Ingredients
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, 6 ounces
Large plastic food storage bags or waxed paper
1 package, 10 ounces, frozen chopped spinach
2 tablespoons butter
12 small mushroom caps, crimini or button
2 cloves garlic, cracked
1 small shallot, quartered
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 cup part skim ricotta cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmigiano or Romano, a couple of handfuls
1/2 teaspoon fresh grated or ground nutmeg
Toothpicks
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
Sauce:
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup white wine
1 cup chicken broth

Directions

Place breasts in the center of a plastic food storage bag or 2 large sheets of waxed paper. Pound out the chicken from the center of the bag outward using a heavy-bottomed skillet or mallet. Be firm but controlled with your strokes.
Defrost spinach in the microwave. Transfer spinach to a kitchen towel. Twist towel around spinach and wring it out until very dry. Transfer to a medium-mixing bowl.
Place a nonstick skillet over moderate heat. When skillet is hot, add butter, mushrooms, garlic and shallot. Season with salt and pepper and saute 5 minutes. Transfer mushrooms, garlic and shallot to the food processor. Pulse to grind the mushrooms and transfer to the mixing bowl, adding the processed mushrooms to the spinach. Add ricotta and grated cheese to the bowl and the nutmeg. Stir to combine the stuffing. Return your skillet to the stove over medium high heat.
Place a mound of stuffing on each breast and wrap and roll breast over the stuffing. Secure breasts with toothpicks. Add 3 tablespoons oil to the pan, 3 turns of the pan. Add breasts to the pan and brown on all sides, cooking chicken 10 to 12 minutes. The meat will cook quickly because it is thin. Remove breasts; add butter to the pan and flour. Cook butter and flour for a minute, whisk in wine and reduce another minute. Whisk in broth and return breasts to the pan. Reduce heat and simmer until ready to serve. Remove toothpicks. Serve breasts whole or, remove from pan, slice on an angle and fan out on dinner plates. Top stuffed chicken breasts or sliced stuffed breasts with generous spoonfuls of the sauce.

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Marinated Carrots OlÃ©

INGREDIENTS:

2 pounds baby carrots
4 large garlic cloves
1-1/2 teaspoons oregano
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon cumin seeds
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1-1/2 Tablespoons wine vinegar
1/2 cup olive oil
2 teaspoons chopped fresh parsley

TO PREPARE:

Blanch the carrots in boiling water in a saucepan for 2 minutes. Drain the carrots and immediately immerse in a bowl of ice water to stop the cooking process; drain. Process the garlic, oregano, coriander, salt, cumin seeds, red pepper and black pepper in a food processor until ground. Add the vinegar. Process until of a paste consistency. Add the olive oil gradually, processing constantly until blended. Add the marinade and parsley to the carrots and toss to mix. Marinate at room temperature for 2 hours or longer. Serve at room temperature.

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Juicy Peach Crisp

Ingredients

6 fresh peaches - peeled, pitted and sliced
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter

Directions

Preheat an oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C), and grease an 8 inch square baking dish.
Place the peaches in the bottom of the baking dish, and sprinkle them with almond extract.
In a bowl, combine the flour, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt. Cut the butter into the flour mixture with a pastry cutter until the mixture resembles crumbs.
Sprinkle the flour mixture in an even layer over the top of the peaches, and bake in the preheated oven for about 45 minutes, until the peaches are bubbling and the topping is browned

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Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf

Prep Time:
15 Min Cook Time:
1 Hr 5 Min Ready In:
1 Hr 20 Min

Original Recipe Yield 6 servings
Ingredients

10 slices bacon
1/3 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons prepared yellow mustard
1 pound ground beef chuck
1 (8 ounce) package shredded Cheddar cheese
2 eggs, beaten
1/4 cup dry bread crumbs
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 (3 ounce) can French-fried onions

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Place bacon in a large skillet and cook over medium-high heat, turning occasionally, until evenly browned, about 10 minutes. Drain the bacon slices on paper towels. When cool, crumble into a large bowl.
Mix ketchup and mustard in a bowl.
Thoroughly combine 1/4 the ketchup mixture, ground chuck, Cheddar cheese, eggs, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and black pepper with crumbled bacon in bowl; pat the mixture into a 5x9-inch loaf pan. Spread remaining ketchup mixture evenly over top of meatloaf.
Bake in the preheated oven until the meatloaf is no longer pink inside, about 45 minutes. Spread French-fried onions over the top of the loaf and return to oven until onions are browned and an instant-read meat thermometer inserted into the center of the loaf reads at least 160 degrees F (70 degrees C), 10 to 15 more minutes.

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JOKES:

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

    If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
    When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
    At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
    A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
    Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
    right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
    I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
    Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
    Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
    The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much!I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
    I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
    I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
    Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
    I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
    I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
    The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
    Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
    I'd rather be rich than stupid.
    If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
    I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
    Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
    To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
    As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
    Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
    Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
    You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
    If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
    If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
    If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
    I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
    Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
    He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
    The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
    If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
    Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
    As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
    If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
    Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
    We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
    I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
    As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
    If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
    Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
    If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
    When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
    I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
    When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
    He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people would go, :Who the hell is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
    I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
    Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
    I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?" he said. "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis. I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.
    If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
    Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
    I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
    Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
    Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
    I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my "pad".
    To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
    I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
    Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
    If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
    If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
    I think man invented the car by instinct.
    I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
    I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
    I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
    It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
    I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."
    Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
    I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, :Hey, let's put him in the movie."
    Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and
    carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
    I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
    I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
    Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the earth, and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as if you're going to fall in.
    One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
    A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
    Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
    Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.
    In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
    I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
    I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
    I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
    Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
    Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
    If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
    As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
    I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?
    I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.
    Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
    Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
    (Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy In our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
    The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
    If you're ever ship wrecked on a a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy". I bet it means something.Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help", she could do it.
    If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
    If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking position so as not to frighten the dogs.
    It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Dancing Monkeys.
    The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
    I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
    Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
    I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress". Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
    I'd rather be rich than stupid.
    If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

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The Catholic Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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James 1:12-15 Happy are those who remain faithful under trials, because when they succeed in passing such a test, they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised to those who love him. If we are tempted by such trials, we must not say, â€œThis temptation comes from God.â€ For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he himself tempts no one. But we are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (GNT)

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

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Grannys Nervous Feelings Personal

Posted On 10/04/2012 08:32:40

Well, it Is Thrusday afternoon about 4pm, the day before my colonoscopy, All my pre-op is supposedly done. Wow, Colleton Medical Center does things differently than VA Hospital and Moncrief Hospital. lol. They require EKG and chest x-ray and uranalyis done as well as enough blood work you about pass out when you get up. At Colleton all they needed from me was an interview, two vials of blood and weighed me, which I didn't mind as I was wondering if I had lost or stayed the same weight as I was last month. I was, which is good I havent lost any weight. .

Am I nervous about tomorrow? Heck yes!!!! I got a doctor I have only seen once and he is going to see my hiny and do things to me no one but one other doctor has done before. OH LAWDY how I am glad I am going to be in twilight sleep!!! I am scared, I am nervous, I am. . ... .. that too.

FOOD!!!!
Any other day I have no appitite. Today everywhere I went was food, or pass I smelled food. For example, we passed a Burger King. Of course there was a red light there. Do you know what it is like to be at a red light and smell Burger King Smell and not be able to have FOOD.? ..
all I can have today is clear liquids. .gggggrrrrr Seems every commercial I see on tv is a food one to today. Is this a conspiracy? lol

Our First Ever that I know of and I have been here in this town since 1982, a Goodwill has opened. Boy is it big, and was it busy. I of course had to be amonst the first to be there and get into the deals lol Which I found a few of course. Got a nice huffy bike for $25.00. and nice lamp for my living room for $10.00. .

See I am doing anything to keep thinking of tomorrow or of FOOD. .
of course tomorrow I get food. . I have to be there at 6:45 am tomorrow so if the Bulletin dont get posted or dont get posted til late, I'm so sorry. .
I figure I will get out of the hospital by about lunchtime, and I saw a Quizno's Subshop on the way home, so I will have Food tomorrow, even if I dont feel like eating it then, I can take it home and eat it later. .lol but I bet it wont make it home. .

Ok thank you for letting me mutter here, I have decided that it is just a everyday simple test and nothing can and will go wrong because God is guiding Docs hand, and the anthestiolgist is being Guided by God as well as everyone that is involved. No one ever dies from this procedure and we all have prayed that no germs is around to infect me, as I do have an auto immune system due to my fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue conditions. It is just a nervous me spouting off and thankyou for letting me take up space and wander off. . Bless ya all
Granny Storey

Tags: nerveousness, feelings, emotions personal

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/04/2012 11:43:19

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Handwriting on the Wall

The prophet Daniel, one of the Jewish captives taken to Babylon under King Nebuchadnezzar, was a servant to King Belshazzar, Nebuchadnezzar's son. Approximately 500 B.C. Belshazzar held a banquet for the lords and ladies of his court. While the guests were drinking from gold and silver cups that had been taken from the Jewish Temple, the House of God in Jerusalem, praising their idols of gold and silver, a mysterious hand began writing on the wall of the banquet room. Daniel was called on to interpret the message, which was from the God of the Israel; he informed the king that his reign was ending. That very night the king was slain.1

Undoubtedly, this is where the term, "the handwriting on the wall," originated. It is used today as a warning that something significant is about to happen or come to an end. In a very real sense God's handwriting "is on the wall" again today; that is, on "the wall of world history"â€”warning all mankind of the coming climax of world historyâ€”a climax that will be marked by two spectacular worldwide events the likes of which have never ever been seen beforeâ€”one exciting; the other terrifying!

What Are the Two Events?

One, the exciting: This will be the return of Jesus Christ to earth to rapture (the catching up to heaven) of every Christian who has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Savior, and whose sins have been forgiven by God.

Two, the terrifying: The other dramatic event will be the entrance of the Antichrist onto the stage of world history to launch his worldwide reign of terror during the seven-year Great Tribulation period which will be a horrific time of hell on earth. The Antichrist will be a world-leader who will violently oppose anything and everything that has to do with God, with Jesus Christ, and with Christianity. While there is not always agreement as to which of these two events will happen first, the critical issue, however, is that we are ready for Christ's return so we won't be left behind when he comes.

God's Handwriting Today

So what is God's handwriting today telling us? It is all but flashing in neon lights that the world as we know it is about to end, perhaps more quickly than we think. As Jesus said, "When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption [the return of Jesus Christ] is drawing near."2

The Bible refers to "these things" as signs to indicate the approaching nearness of these two major events we are discussing today. While it is true that some of these signsâ€”especially those relating to wars and rumors of wars, earthquakes and the likeâ€”have been happening since Jesus Christ was on earth 2,000 years ago, today, as another has said, "THEY ARE ALL STANDING UP AT ONCE!"

The final signs of the times have to do with the nation of Israel; the entrance, or preparation for the entrance of the Antichrist; the mark of the beast; the new Jewish temple in Jerusalem; an exponential knowledge explosion; and the worldwide gospel outreachâ€”all of which are either happening right now or in the process of getting ready to happen.

For an explanation of each of these final signs in detail read this complete article online at: http://tinyurl.com/wall-handwriting â€¦ It is exciting to see how the predictions of God's Word are happening right now in our day and age. In a vital way they are God's warning to us, in the words of Jesus: "Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man [Jesus Christ] is coming at an hour you do not expect."3

Suggested prayer: Dear God, thank you for your Word that informs us of the signs that will precede your return and that will take place immediately prior to the end of this world age. Please help me to know and understand your Word, be aware of what is happening, and be prepared for your coming by accepting your Son, Jesus Christ, as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you for this blessed hope and assurance of your salvation and for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

nuance â€¢ NOO-ahnss â€¢ noun
1 : a subtle distinction or variation 2 : a subtle quality : nicety 3 : sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings (as of meaning, feeling, or value)

Examples:
The movie's dialogue didn't sound convincing, partly because none of the characters had mastered the nuances of a Midwestern accent.

"This Scavenger Hunt will be more difficult than earlier ones, and it is expected to bring you into some new corners. Sharp eyes are key, so if I were you, I'd start looking around now and memorizing every nuance in downtown Ocala."â€” From an article by Dave Schlenker on Ocala.com (Florida), August 9, 2012

Did you know?
The history of "nuance" starts in Latin with the noun "nubes," meaning "cloud." "Nubes" floated into Middle French as "nue," also meaning "cloud," and "nue" gave rise to "nuer," meaning "to make shades of color." "Nuer" in turn produced "nuance," which in Middle French meant "shade of color." English borrowed "nuance" from French, with the meaning "a subtle distinction or variation," in the late 18th century. That use persists today. Additionally, "nuance" is sometimes used in a specific musical sense, designating a subtle, expressive variation in a musical performance (such as in tempo, dynamic intensity, or timbre) that is not indicated in the score.

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Other Names For Sugar: Fruit Concentrate, Maltose, Dextrose, Syrup And More
By Meredith Melnick

If you keep up with health news, you probably know to look out for added sugar in your diet -- a major culprit in the growing rates of obesity, diabetes and associated conditions like fatty liver disease. And if you know about added sugar, you probably also know that -- excuse the bastardized Shakespeare -- sugar by any other name tastes just as sweet. That's because it is -- any sugar or full calorie sweetener affects the body in the same way. Some formulations just have a worse reputation.

That's the case with the ubiquitous industrial sweetener, high fructose corn syrup, which holds a particularly villainous place in the public imagination. We learned as much when we compiled a list of surprising foods that contained high fructose corn syrup here at HuffPost Healthy Living. In fact, high fructose corn syrup has been so maligned that the Corn Refiners Association famously (and unsuccessfully) petitioned the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to change its common name to "corn sugar." And while high fructose corn syrup can have a disastrous effect on our diets, the research doesn't support the idea that it is inherently worse than any other sugar. When it comes to high fructose corn syrup, the jury is still out.

One Princeton rat study found that HFCS, as it is known, causes more weight gain than sucrose in the same amount. But criticism of the study design left the finding in doubt. And to date, no one has conducted a meta-analysis of all the high fructose corn syrup studies to determine any patterns, according to one of the sweetener's foremost researchers.

"Bloggers have demonized it, an awful lot of companies have stopped using it, advertising 'we use natural sugar now,'" said Dr. Barry Popkin, the W. R. Kenan, Jr. Distinguished Professor in the department of nutrition at the University of North Carolina School of Public Health and the author of one of the first studies to call high fructose corn syrup into question. "Even though we now know that all sugars have approximately half fructose and it's the unique properties of fructose that have an effect on our body."

As Popkin explains, it's the amount of sugar that is deeply troubling. He says that high fructose corn syrup has a trivial amount more fructose than other sugars, but that the metabolic effects of the sweetener are the same.

Dr. Robert Post, executive director of the USDA's Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, agrees: "When it comes to added sugar, the importance for nutrition is a concern over calories," he tells HuffPost Healthy Living. "Someone who believes that honey is a better choice than cane sugar or corn syrup [is overlooking] the fact that they're both metabolized as sugar."

But Popkin explains that the growing number of names for sugar has the effect of confusing us about sugar amounts. That's because, by adding several different types of sugar, companies can list each sweetener lower on its list of ingredients. Ingredients are listed in descending order based on weight so that the first ingredient has the highest weight, which usually means it is the most prevalent. While sugar might rightly be the first ingredient on a package if it was all added as one formulation (say, cane sugar), by adding several different formulations of sugar, each will appear lower on the ingredient list -- making the product seem less sugary than it is. If consumers are looking for one particular name, like corn syrup, it's possible to swap in a different type of sugar without actually reducing the overall sugar amount.

And, according to Popkin's latest research, he told HuffPost, most foods are sugary. In fact, of the 85,451 unique commercially available foods that were available for purchase between 2005 and 2009, 75 percent contain added sweeteners.

So what can you do? Post recommends using the USDA Supertracker to compare grocery items for added sugar and calories from sugar. But if you're already in the grocery aisle, your best defense is education. It's time to learn all the names for sugar. There are great databases available, but we've compiled some common synonyms to help you get started.

How do you combat the insidious addition of sugar?
    (Granny Storey goes and drinks water to solve her sugar craze.)

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RECIPE:

Cheese-Stuffed Mini Meat Loaves

ProgressoÂ® bread crumbs and Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ tomato sauce provide a simple addition to these ground beef-cheese filled mini meat loaves â€“ ready in 30 minutes.

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 6

1/2    cup ProgressoÂ® Italian style panko crispy bread crumbs
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ fire roasted tomato cooking sauce
2    sticks (1 oz each) string cheese*
1    lb extra-lean (at least 93%) ground beef
1    egg
1/4    cup sliced green onions (4 medium)
    Hot cooked mashed potatoes, if desired

    1 Heat oven to 350Â°F. In large bowl, stir bread crumbs and 1 cup of the cooking sauce until well mixed; let stand 5 minutes.
    2 Meanwhile, cut twelve 1/2-inch pieces from cheese sticks (store remaining portion of cheese stick for another use). Set aside. Add beef, egg, green onions, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper to bread crumb mixture until well mixed.
    3 Spray 12 regular-size muffin cups with cooking spray. Divide beef mixture evenly among cups (cups will be very full). Push 1 piece of cheese into center of each loaf. Place muffin pan on cookie sheet to catch any spillover. Bake about 30 minutes or until thermometer inserted in center of loaves in middle of muffin pan reads 160Â°F (outer loaves will be done sooner).
    4 Meanwhile, heat remaining sauce until hot. Immediately remove loaves from muffin pan; spoon heated sauce over loaves. Serve with potatoes.

Expert Tips
*Regular mozzarella cheese, cut into 1/2-inch cubes, can be substituted.

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Easy Weeknight Creamy Chicken Alfredo

Enjoy this chicken recipe made with Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ basil cooking sauce and pasta â€“ perfect for a weeknight dinner ready in 30 minutes.

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 4

8    oz uncooked fettuccine
1    package (1 1/4 lb) boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 3/4-inch pieces
2    tablespoons butter or margarine
3    cloves garlic, finely chopped
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy Parmesan basil cooking sauce
1/2    cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2    cup whipping cream or half-and-half

    1 Cook and drain fettuccine as directed on package.
    2 In 12-inch skillet, heat 1 tablespoon vegetable oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken; sprinkle with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Cook 5 to 6 minutes, stirring frequently, until chicken is no longer pink in center. Add butter and garlic; cook until garlic is softened. Stir in cooking sauce, Parmesan cheese and cream. Simmer 5 to 8 minutes, stirring occasionally, until well blended.
    3 Serve over fettuccine.

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Chicken Broccoli Stroganoff

Green GiantÂ® veggies and Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ basil cooking sauce provide a flavorful addition to this chicken and pasta dinner thatâ€™s ready in 25 minutes. Perfect if you love French cuisine.

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 25 Min
    SERVINGS 4

1    bag (12 oz) Green GiantÂ® Valley Fresh SteamersÂ® SelectÂ® frozen broccoli florets
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy Parmesan basil cooking sauce
2    cups cubed deli rotisserie chicken
1    jar (4.5 oz) Green GiantÂ® sliced mushrooms, drained
1/2    teaspoon onion powder
2/3    cup sour cream
4    cups hot cooked noodles
Garnish, If Desired
    Chopped fresh parsley or chives

    1 Cook broccoli in microwave as directed on bag. Drain; set aside.
    2 In 2-quart saucepan, heat cooking sauce, chicken, mushrooms, onion powder, 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper to boiling. Stir in broccoli. Reduce heat to low; stir in sour cream. Heat until hot.
    3 Serve over noodles; sprinkle with parsley.

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Crispy Garlic-Parmesan Chicken

Italian dinner in 30 minutes flat! Really! Recipe Startersâ„¢ cooking sauce can be your new secret for success.

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 4

4    boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/4    cup butter, melted
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy Parmesan basil cooking sauce
1/4    teaspoon garlic powder
2/3    cup ProgressoÂ® Italian style panko crispy bread crumbs
2/3    cup finely shredded Parmesan or Asiago cheese
    Hot cooked pasta or mashed potatoes, if desired

Garnishes, If Desired
    Additional shredded Parmesan or Asiago cheese
    Chopped fresh basil or parsley

    1 Heat oven to 400Â°F. Line cookie sheet with foil; spray with cooking spray. Between pieces of plastic wrap or waxed paper, place each chicken breast smooth side down; gently pound with flat side of meat mallet or rolling pin until about 1/2 inch thick. Sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper to taste.
    2 In shallow dish, mix butter, 3 tablespoons of the cooking sauce and the garlic powder. In another shallow dish, mix bread crumbs and cheese. Dip chicken into butter mixture, then dip into bread crumb mixture to coat. Place on cookie sheet.
    3 Bake 12 to 15 minutes, turning once, until juice of chicken is clear when center of thickest part is cut (at least 165Â°F) and coating is golden brown. Meanwhile, heat remaining sauce until hot. Serve chicken with pasta and sauce. Sprinkle with additional cheese and basil.

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Cheesy Barbecue Beef Rigatoni

Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ cheese sauce provide a flavorful addition to this ground beef and pasta dinner made in skillet â€“ ready in 30 minutes.

    PREP TIME 30 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 6

3    cups uncooked rigatoni or ziti pasta (9 oz)
1    lb lean (at least 80%) ground beef
1/2    cup sliced green onions (8 medium)
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy three cheese cooking sauce
1/2    cup barbecue sauce*
1    cup shredded Cheddar cheese (4 oz)

    1 Cook and drain pasta as directed on package; set aside.
    2 Meanwhile, in 12-inch skillet, cook beef and green onions over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until beef is brown; drain.
    3 Stir in pasta, cooking sauce and barbecue sauce. Heat to boiling. Reduce heat; simmer 5 minutes to blend flavors, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat; sprinkle with cheese. Cover; let stand 3 to 5 minutes or until cheese is melted.

Expert Tips
*Any flavor barbecue sauce can be used, but a sweeter sauce will give the dish a hint of sweet flavor.

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Slow Cooker Beef Stroganoff

Stroganoff, once only weekend special can now be served weeknights thanks to slow cooking.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 8 Hr 15 Min
    SERVINGS 8

2    pounds beef stew meat
1    cup chopped onion
1    can (10 3/4 ounces) condensed golden mushroom soup
1    can (10 3/4 ounces) condensed cream of onion soup
1    jar (6 ounces) Green GiantÂ® sliced mushrooms, drained
1/4    teaspoon pepper
1    package (8 ounces) cream cheese, cubed
1    container (8 ounces) sour cream
6    cups hot cooked noodles or rice

    1 In 3 1/2- to 4 1/2-quart slow cooker, mix beef, onion, soups, mushrooms and pepper.
    2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 8 to 10 hours or until beef is very tender.
    3 Stir cream cheese into beef mixture until melted. Stir sour cream into beef mixture. Serve over noodles.

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JOKES:

It's Sunday my children and time for the "Weakly Word" from..........( da Rev ) 2

Priest's Retirement Dinner
===========================

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving peopleâ€™.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: â€˜Iâ€™ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politicianâ€™. â€˜In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confessionâ€™.

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

**********************************************

Resurrection

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice

"When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a while before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

**********************************************

With due respect and apologies..........

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns
for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish

and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,

a Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens)

an Exaltation of doves

and, presumably because they look so wise:

a Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
?
?

Believe it or not ... a Parliament
.
A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out from the Parliament...

You just can't make this stuff up.

**********************************************

**********************************************

Winter of My Life

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly
And catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young,
Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
And I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...

How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...
Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those
Older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off
That I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...
My friends are retired and getting grey...
They move slower and I see an older person now.
Some are in better and some worse shape than me...
But, I see the great change...

Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...
But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those
Older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!
And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory!
'Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared
For all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability
To go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,

And I'm not sure how long it will last...
This I know, that when it's over... Its over...

Yes, I have regrets.

There are things I wish I hadn't done...
Things I should have done, but indeed,

There are many things I'm happy to have done.
It's all in a lifetime...

So, if you're not in your winter yet...
Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.
Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!
Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today,
As you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...

So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember...
And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things
You have done for them in all the years past!!

Life is a gift to you.

The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.

~ And, Remember ~

"It is health that is real wealth
And not pieces of gold or silver."

~Author, Unknown

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/03/2012 03:38:26

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Beware of CINOs

"These teachers oppose the truth just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses. They have depraved minds and a counterfeit faith. But they won't get away with this for long. Someday everyone will recognize what fools they are, just as with Jannes and Jambres."1

In a takeoff regarding certain political adherents CINOs are Christians in Name Only. They are people who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ, but, like Jannes and Jambres in the time of Moses, they had a counterfeit faith.

Wayne Blank wrote about Jannes and Jambres saying that they "are mentioned only once in the Bible by the apostle Paulâ€¦. Although they are not identified by name in the Old Testament, Rabbinic tradition holds that Jannes and Jambres were, or were among, the magicians who opposed Moses and Aaron at the time of the [Israelites'] Exodus [out of Egypt]â€¦. Jannes and Jambres obviously had 'miraculous' powers, but unlike Moses and Aaron who were empowered by God, the Pharaoh's magicians were fraudulent and/or Satanic."2

In today's world there is never a shortage of counterfeit Christians, and counterfeit so-called "Christian" leaders who may have magnetic personalities, great oratory skills, and who are able to attract many followers, and in so doing deceive masses of people. Sad to say, this kind of person is found in every aspect of life be it in religion, in pseudo-science, in education circles, in business, and in politics.

As Christians we need to be like the people of Berea who are recommended by the Bible: "Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true."3 Even though the Apostle Paul was the great leader of the early church, the Berean believers wanted to make sure that everything Paul taught was in harmony with the Word of God, the Bible. I suggest you do the same regarding all of my writings too.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be an authentic follower of Jesus and grant that my life and words will always be in harmony with your Word. And please give me a spirit of discernment so that I will always recognize false teaching. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 2 Timothy 3:8-9 (NLT)

**********************************************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

    lugubrious
    audio pronunciation
    loo-GOO-bree-us

    DEFINITION

adjective
1
: mournful; especially : exaggeratedly or affectedly mournful
2
: dismal

    EXAMPLES

Katie's friends guessed immediately from her lugubrious expression that she and her boyfriend had broken up.

"Then beneath that lugubrious lament comes a kind of gentle chugging rhythm, like the clickety-clack of a train, against which Sweeney thumbs his nose at the sentimentality established at the start of the song." â€” From a review by Steven Leigh Morris in LA Weekly, June 14, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?

"It is a consolation to the wretched to have companions in misery," wrote Publilius Syrus in the first century BC. Perhaps this explains why "lugubrious" is so woefulâ€”it's all alone. Sure, we can dress up "lugubrious" with suffixes to form "lugubriously" or "lugubriousness," but the word remains essentially an only childâ€”the sole surviving English offspring of its Latin ancestors. This wasn't always the case, though. "Lugubrious" once had a linguistic living relative in "luctual," an adjective meaning "sad" or "sorrowful." Like "lugubrious," "luctual" traced ultimately to the Latin verb "lugere," meaning "to mourn." "Luctual," however, faded into obsolescence long ago, leaving "lugubrious" to carry on the family's mournful mission all alone.

*********************************************

Organic Foods Not Necessarily Better
Study Questions Health Benefits of Eating Organic

By Brenda Goodman, MA WebMD Health News
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Will eating pricey organic foods make you healthier? Maybe not, a new research review shows.

The review sums up evidence from hundreds of studies of organic foods. It's published in the Annals of Internal Medicine.

Some of the studies compared organic milk, meats, eggs, and produce to non-organic foods. Those studies measured nutrients in the foods as well as contaminants like pesticides and bacteria. A few studies tried to find health differences between people who ate only organic or only non-organic foods.

After weighing all the evidence, the researchers conclude that organic foods don't appear to have more vitamins or nutrients than non-organic foods.

Non-organic fruits and vegetables were 30% more likely to have pesticides than organic fruits and vegetables. But because it's rare for any produce to exceed pesticide safety limits set by the FDA, researchers say it's not known whether reducing an already small exposure makes a difference.

The review also shows that organic meats are less likely to harbor "superbug" bacteria that are resistant to treatment with antibiotics. But researchers say most antibiotic-resistant infections in people come from misuse of antibiotics, not from eating contaminated foods.

In the end, researchers say there's no evidence that people who stick to organic diets are healthier than people who eat non-organic foods.

Not everyone agrees.

Organic Foods: To Buy or Not to Buy Organic or Not?

"There are many different reasons why people choose organic. They may be concerned about animal welfare or the environment. They may do it for taste," says researcher Crystal Smith-Spangler, MD, of Stanford University in California. "I didn't find that nutrition is a major reason to choose organic foods."

Nutrition experts praised the research since it helps to dispel some myths that might make people afraid to eat fresh fruits and vegetables.

"When we're talking about organic, it's really the process, not the product. The process of organic farming is different than conventional farming, but that doesn't mean that the food is bad or unsafe," says Melissa Joy Dobbins, RD, MS, a spokeswoman for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

Dobbins points out that organic foods can cost twice as much as non-organic foods.

"I don't want that mom who's at the grocery store to feel guilty if she can't afford organic. That mom shouldn't feel like she's making a lesser choice," Dobbins says.

Other experts, however, called the new review misleading.

"The message the general public is going to get is that there are no health benefits from organic foods so why seek it out? Why pay a slightly higher price? I do think the science and facts support some very significant and important long-term benefits," says Charles Benbrook, PhD, a professor of agriculture at Washington State University in Pullman, Wash.

Benbrook points to a similar review published last year that reached the opposite conclusion. That study, by British researchers, found that organic fruits and vegetables contain about 12% more disease-fighting nutrients than non-organic foods. Sticking with organic produce, researchers concluded, would be the equivalent of eating 12% more regular fruits and veggies.

Other experts say the study's conclusions shouldn't change the major reasons that people choose organic foods.

"Nutrition is a lesser concern. It's not the main reason people are buying organic. If you eat organic food, you still need to eat a varied diet, it's not going to solve every health woe. It's marketed to be pesticide-free and antibiotic-free, and that was strongly supported by the study," says Sonya Lunder, MPH, a senior analyst with the nonprofit Environmental Working Group.

*********************************************

RECIPE:

Homemade Potato Chips

Active Time: 15 Minutes
Total Time: 35 Minutes
Yield: Serves 6

Potato chips can be kept in an airtight container for up to 2 days.

INGREDIENTS
3 large potatoes
Peanut oil, for frying
Salt

DIRECTIONS
Peel potatoes and slice very thinly using a sharp knife. Place in a bowl of cold water for 20 minutes.
Fill pan to one-third full with oil and heat to 375 degrees.
Drain potatoes and pat until dry. Deep fry in batches in a single layer for 1-2 minutes. Remove to drain; sprinkle with salt and serve.

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Strawberry Cheesecake

Active Time: 15 Minutes
Total Time: 1 Hour 45 Minutes
Yield: Makes one 9 1/2-inch cake; serves 12

Jewish and Italian immigrants alike brought their own distinctive versions of cheesecake to America. The kind most likely to be found in diners is more typically Jewish, and is now widely known as New York style. If you like, make this particular recipe with a combination of jams and fruit; apricots or plums are especially good.

INGREDIENTS

For the Crust:
1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

For the Filling:
Three 8-ounce packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
6 large eggs, at room temperature
2 cups sour cream, at room temperature
1/3 cup all-purpose flour, sifted
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Finely grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
1/2 cup strawberry jam
1/2 cup finely chopped, strawberries

12 whole strawberries, hulled


DIRECTIONS

FOR THE CRUST:
Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F.
Grease a springform pan 9 1/2 inches in diameter and 3 inches deep with butter. In a bowl, combine the crumbs, sugar and melted butter, breaking up any large crumbs and mixing well. Firmly press the mixture evenly over the bottom and about 2 inches up the sides of the prepared pan.

FOR THE FILLING:
In a large bowl, break the cream cheese into pieces. Using an electric mixer set on medium speed, beat until soft and creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the sugar and beat until the mixture is smooth, 1-2 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Reduce the speed to low and beat in the sour cream, flour, vanilla and lemon zest and juice until thoroughly blended.
Remove 1 cup of the batter and place it in a small mixing bowl. Add the strawberry jam, mixing thoroughly, and then gently mix in the chopped strawberries. Pour this mixture into the rest of the batter and stir just until incorporated. Pour into the prepared pan and jiggle the pan until the batter is level.
Bake for 1 hour. Turn off the heat and allow the cheesecake to rest undisturbed in the oven until set, about 30 minutes longer. Transfer to a rack and let cool. Cover and chill overnight before serving.
Just before serving, run a knife around the pan sides to loosen the cake. Release the pan sides and place the cake on a plate. Arrange the whole berries evenly around the top, marking a slice with each berry.

**********************************************

Grilled Chicken Breasts with Lemon and Thyme

Active Time: 25 Minutes
Total Time: 25 Minutes
Yield: Serves 4

A bold mixture of red-pepper flakes, garlic, thyme, lemon juice, and olive oil serves as a spicy marinade for bone-in chicken breasts. If you want your chicken spicier still, increase the red pepper or leave the breasts in the marinade for an hour or two.

INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon dried red-pepper flakes
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper
4 bone-in chicken breasts (about 2 1/4 pounds in all)

DIRECTIONS

Light the grill or heat the broiler. In a shallow dish, combine the lemon juice with the thyme, red-pepper flakes, garlic, oil, salt, and black pepper. Coat the chicken with the mixture.
Grill the chicken breasts over moderately high heat or broil them for 8 to 10 minutes. Turn and cook until the chicken is just done, about 10 minutes longer.

Variations
*Try any dried herb you like in place of the thyme. Marjoram, oregano, rosemary, or sage are all good choices.
*Use boneless, skinless chicken breasts instead of bone-in breasts. Grill them until just done, about five minutes per side over moderately high heat.
*Use a quartered chicken instead of bone-in breasts. Cook the breast sections as directed in Step 2 and allow thirteen minutes per side for the leg quarters.

**********************************************

Rice Pudding

6 servings

It's hard to deny the power of rice pudding when it comes to satisfying your sweet tooth. Of course, this custard-y classic does the trick in a healthy, hearty fashion. Dig in!

Ingredients
    1 quart skim milk
    1/3 cup (heaping) rice (cooked)
    6-8 Tbsp. granulated sugar
    1 tsp. vanilla extract
    Dash of salt

Methods/steps
Cook uncovered and simmer for 40 minutes. Pour it into a container, cover and let sit at room temperature for a couple of hours. Sprinkle with cinnamon to taste. This thickens as it sits. Serve immediately.

**********************************************

Greek Omelet

Active Time: 20 Minutes
Total Time: 20 Minutes
Yield: 2 servings

With flavors reminiscent of the classic Greek spanakopita, this easy omelet is just right for a light dinner or brunch. Frozen leaf spinach makes it ultra-quick.

INGREDIENTS
1/4 cup cooked spinach
4   large eggs
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese (2 ounces)
2   scallions, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons chopped fresh dill
Freshly ground pepper to taste
2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS
Squeeze spinach to remove any excess water. Blend eggs with a fork in a medium bowl. Add feta, scallions, dill, pepper and the spinach; mix gently with a rubber spatula.

Set a rack about 4 inches from the heat source; preheat the broiler.

Heat oil in a 10-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat. Pour in the egg mixture and tilt to distribute evenly. Reduce the heat to medium-low and cook until the bottom is light golden, lifting the edges to allow uncooked egg to flow underneath, 3 to 4 minutes. Place the pan under the broiler and cook until the top is set, 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 minutes. Slide the omelet onto a platter and cut into wedges.

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Bacon Fried Rice

Active Time: 15 Minutes
Total Time: 15 Minutes
Yield: Makes 4 servings

INGREDIENTS
1/2 pound bacon, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 eggs, beaten
3 cups cold cooked rice (see Note)
1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
1/2 cup coarsely chopped scallions, green part only

DIRECTIONS
In a skillet, fry the bacon until crisp and drain on paper towels.
In a wok or large skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil. Add the eggs and cook, stirring, just until firm. Remove from the pan and reserve.
Heat the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in the pan and add the rice. Mix well. Add the soy sauce and mix well. Mix the eggs into the rice, breaking them into smaller pieces as you stir. Add the scallions and bacon. Mix again to combine, and serve.

NOTES: The rice should be cooked at least several hours ahead, or the day before, and refrigerated. It should be completely cold to be used for fried rice. This dish can be kept in a casserole in the oven at 140 degrees F. for about 40 minutes without drying out. It makes a good dish to serve with a main course that needs last-minute preparation.

*******************************************

Seeing the Sunshine and a Happier You

Weâ€™re just coming out of a more than two week period of almost continual severe weather alerts. Weâ€™ve had warnings daily for severe thunderstorms, quarter-sized hail, floods, damaging winds, and for fifteen hours we were even under a watch for impending tornadoes that were supposed to center right over our immediate area. As you might imagine, we have had more than the usual interest in checking our two favorite weather sites for updated forecasts. It has been an interesting exercise in how the same circumstances can be looked at in different ways.

Todayâ€™s forecast, for instanceâ€¦ one site is predicting a sunny day with lots of clouds and temperatures rising as high as 65Â°F. The other site is predicting a cloudy day with periods of sun and temperatures not getting above the mid-sixties. It never variesâ€¦ the first site always emphasizes the positive aspects of the forecastsâ€¦ the second site always focuses on the negatives.

Think about the people you know. Some are so focused on every problem that they live every day surrounded by their own negativityâ€¦ always seeing their glass as half empty. Others might have huge obstacles to overcome but they somehow still manage to see their glass as half full.

Attitude does make a difference. And in our usual day to day â€œordinaryâ€ living, there is almost always something that could or should bring us happiness. We just have to learn to see it.

It really is just as easy to live your life seeing the sunshine as it is to look for the cloudsâ€¦ and the biggest positive of all is that acknowledging and truly appreciating the happinesses you already have in your life will actually make you a happier person.

****************************************

JOKES:

I think every human should get a chance to read this.

"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

************************************************

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

*******************************************

Irish Mirror

(I hope this brightens up your day)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! He exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

*******************************************

I took my wife to this "disco" kind of dance club last weekend.

There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips .. . you name it . . you know . ."the works".

My wife says to me, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fukkin' celebrating....!!! "

*******************************************

It was my first time ever And I'll never forget
I'd do it again Without a single regret.

The sky was dark The moon was high
We were all alone Just she and I..

Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue
I knew just what She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers Down her spine.

I didn't know how But I tried my best
I started by placing My hands on her breasts.

I remember my fear My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once The white stuff came.

At last it's finished It's all over now
My first time ever At milking a cow . . .

GOTCHA!!!!!!      lol

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/02/2012 03:45:43

REMINDER FROM GOD:

To Know the Heart of the Pilot

Three passengers share a row of seats in an airplane. As the plane is taxiing for takeoff, their conversation turns to the topic of the airplane pilot.

Stunningly, passenger â€œAâ€ doesnâ€™t believe one exists. â€œNo one flies the plane. We are guided by a computer system in the terminal. This plane is an occupied drone. Why should I believe otherwise? The cockpit door is closed. Who can know? There is no pilot.â€

Passenger â€œBâ€ disagrees. â€œOh, there is a pilot. Someone sits at the controls of the plane. But, once we take off, he takes a nap. He gets the plane in the air and then goes to sleep.â€

The third passenger is shocked by what she hears. â€œYou donâ€™t know what you are talking about. First, there is a pilot. Second, the pilot is alert, competent and kind. I know; he is my husband. He is seasoned and sensitive and has every intention of a successful flight. We are in good hands.â€

Three passengers. Three opinions. A plane with no pilot. A plane with a disengaged pilot. A plane with a seasoned and concerned pilot. Fast forward a few minutes. Turbulence shakes the plane like popcorn in a paper bag. Will the three passengers experience the flight in the same way? Of the three travelers, which is most prone to stay calm?

Nothing is more important than the right view of God. Nothing. Iâ€™ve seen the wealthy and highly educated crumple like cowards at the face of death. Iâ€™ve seen the simple and humble take their final breath with a smile and a song. The difference? They knew the Pilot.

You need to know the heart of the pilot. That is why the story of Jesus is in the Bible. He is the only picture of God ever taken. To know Jesus, is to know God. To know God is to know: this flight gets bumpy, but the Pilot? He knows how to get us home.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

    jocose
    audio pronunciation
    joh-KOHSS

    DEFINITION

adjective
1: given to joking : merry
2: characterized by joking : humorous

    EXAMPLES

Rachel has the kind of jocose personality that can liven up even the dullest of parties.

"The information imparted doesn't run particularly deep, but in simple, mostly jocose language, he manages to explain the Electoral College, the dangers of being president and ... the roles of the president in foreign policy and as commander in chief, and how a presidential pardon works...." â€” From a book review in Kirkus Reviews, August 1, 2012

    DID YOU KNOW?

When you need a word to describe something (or someone) that causes or is intended to cause laughter, you might pick "jocose" or a synonym such as "humorous," "witty," "facetious," or "jocular." Of those terms, "humorous" is the most generic and can be applied to anything that provokes laughter. "Witty" suggests cleverness and a quick mind, while "facetious" is a word for something that is not meant to be taken seriously. "Jocose" and "jocular" both imply a habitual waggishness and a fondness for joking.

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RECIPE:

Shepherd's Pie Skillet

Rely on this English classic for a complete meal of meat, potatoes and veggies, all in one dish. Itâ€™s super easy with Hamburger HelperÂ® and Betty CrockerÂ® potatoes.

    PREP TIME 25 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 6

1    lb lean (at least 80%) ground beef
    Hot water and milk called for on Hamburger Helper box
1    box Hamburger HelperÂ® Salisbury
1 1/2    cups Green GiantÂ® frozen mixed vegetables, thawed
    Betty CrockerÂ® Potato BudsÂ® mashed potatoes (dry) for 6 servings
    Water, milk and butter called for on mashed potatoes box for 6 servings
1/4    cup shredded Cheddar cheese (1 oz)
    Chopped fresh parsley

    1 In 10-inch skillet, cook beef over medium-high heat 5 to 7 minutes, stirring frequently, until brown; drain. Stir in hot water, milk, sauce mix and uncooked pasta (from Hamburger Helper box) and thawed vegetables. Heat to boiling, stirring occasionally.
    2 Reduce heat; cover and simmer about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until pasta and vegetables are tender. Remove from heat.
    3 Meanwhile, make potatoes as directed on box for 6 servings. Spoon and gently spread mashed potatoes over pasta mixture. Sprinkle with cheese. Cover; let stand about 5 minutes or until cheese is melted. Sprinkle with parsley.

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Quick Chicken Quesadillas

   PREP TIME 25 Min
    TOTAL TIME 25 Min
    SERVINGS 4

INGREDIENTS:

6    oz refrigerated cooked Southwest-flavor chicken breast strips (from 9- or 12-oz package)
1/2    cup Old El PasoÂ® Thick 'n Chunky salsa
1    package (11 oz) Old El PasoÂ® flour tortillas for burritos (8 inch; 8 tortillas)
    Cooking spray
2    cups finely shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese blend (8 oz)
1/4    cup sour cream

DIRECTIONS:
    1 Cut chicken into bite-size pieces. In small bowl, mix chicken and salsa.
    2 Spray 1 side of 1 tortilla with cooking spray; place sprayed side down in 10-inch nonstick skillet. Layer with one-fourth of the chicken mixture and 1/2 cup of the cheese. Top with another tortilla; spray top of tortilla with cooking spray.
    3 Cook uncovered over medium heat 4 to 6 minutes, carefully turning after 2 minutes, until golden brown. Repeat with remaining tortillas, chicken mixture and cheese. To serve, cut quesadillas into wedges. Serve with sour cream and, if desired, additional salsa.

Expert Tips

If you can't find the refrigerated seasoned chicken, substitute 1 1/2 cups diced cooked chicken.
A salad of fresh melon chunks, pineapple and berries, plus glasses of lemonade or iced tea will add a cool, fresh touch to these yummy quesadillas.
To make Quick Chicken-Vegetable Quesadillas, sprinkle 2 tablespoons chopped tomato, 1 tablespoon sliced ripe olives and 1 tablespoon sliced green onions over the cheese for each quesadilla.

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Slow Cooker Meatball and Gravy Sandwiches

Five ingredients make saucy meatball sandwiches a snap to prepare!

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 10 Hr 10 Min
    SERVINGS 8

INGREDIENTS:

2    medium onions, sliced
2    packages (12 ounces each) frozen cooked Swedish-style meatballs
2    jars (12 ounces each) beef gravy
1    teaspoon ground nutmeg
8    hoagie buns (about 7 inches long)

DIRECTIONS:

    1 Place onions in 3 1/2- to 4-quart slow cooker. Add frozen meatballs and gravy.
    2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 8 to 10 hours.
    3 Stir nutmeg into meatball mixture. Cut hoagie buns horizontally almost in half. Place 6 meatballs in each bun. Top with gravy.

Expert Tips
Plain or Italian-style meatballs can be used in place of the Swedish meatballs; omit the nutmeg.
This recipe can easily be doubled and made in a 6-quart slow cooker.
Serve with a mixed greens salad and fresh fruit.

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Slow Cooker Beefy French Onion Soup

Fantastic French onion soup is made even heartier with beef stew meat. Start the soup in the morning and come home to a no-fuss dinner.

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 10 Hr 25 Min
    SERVINGS 8

INGREDIENTS:

7    small onions, cut in half and thinly sliced (about 7 cups)
1    tablespoon butter or margarine, melted
2    tablespoons sugar
2    dried bay leaves
1 1/2    pounds beef stew meat
3    cans (10 1/2 ounces each) condensed beef consommÃ©
1/4    cup dry sherry or apple juice
1    cup apple juice
1/4    teaspoon dried thyme leaves
8    slices ( 1/2 inch thick) French bread, toasted
2    cups shredded Swiss cheese (8 ounces)

DIRECTIONS:

    1 Toss onions, butter and sugar in 5- to 6-quart slow cooker. Top with bay leaves and beef.
    2 Cover and cook on low heat setting 9 to 10 hours or until onions are deep brown.
    3 Stir in beef consommÃ©, sherry, apple juice and thyme. Increase heat setting to high. Cover and cook 10 minutes or until hot. Remove bay leaves.
    4 To serve, spoon into ovenproof soup bowls and top each serving with slice of toast and 1/4 cup cheese. If desired, broil with tops 6 inches from heat 3 to 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and begins to brown.

Expert Tips

For best results, don't double this recipe. If the onions are packed too deeply in the slow cooker, they steam and stay pale and boiled tasting instead of caramelizing. They would eventually caramelize, but not before the beef would become dried out and overcooked.
A fresh tossed salad with a vinaigrette would taste great with this rich soup. Spoil your family with a small fancy French pastry from the bakery for dessert.
If you broil the soup with cheese on top, place the soup bowls on pretty plates to protect fingers and your table from the hot bowls.

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Creamy Lemon Chicken

Hurray for 5-ingredient, 30-minute dinners! A Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy cooking sauce makes prep a snap for this delicious dinner!

    PREP TIME 10 Min
    TOTAL TIME 30 Min
    SERVINGS 4

1/4    cup Gold MedalÂ® all-purpose flour
4    boneless skinless chicken breasts
1    can (18 oz) Progressoâ„¢ Recipe Startersâ„¢ creamy roasted garlic with chicken stock cooking sauce
3    tablespoons lemon juice
    Chopped fresh parsley, if desired
    Grated lemon peel, if desired
    Hot cooked rice, if desired

    1 Between pieces of plastic wrap or waxed paper, place each chicken breast smooth side down; gently pound with flat side of meat mallet or rolling pin until about 1/2 inch thick. In small shallow dish, mix flour with 1 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper; dip each chicken breast into flour mixture, coating all sides.
    2 In 10-inch skillet, heat 2 tablespoons vegetable oil over medium-high heat. Cook chicken breasts in oil 6 to 8 minutes, turning once, or until brown. In small bowl, mix cooking sauce and lemon juice.
    3 Pour sauce mixture over chicken. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer 5 to 10 minutes or until juice of chicken is clear when center of thickest part is cut (at least 165Â°F). Sprinkle with parsley and lemon peel. Serve with rice.

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Slow Cooker Italian Shredded Beef Hoagies

    PREP TIME 15 Min
    TOTAL TIME 8 Hr 15 Min
    SERVINGS 8

INGREDIENTS:

    2-lb beef boneless arm roast, trimmed of fat
2    medium onions, sliced
1    can (14.5 oz) Italian-seasoned diced tomatoes, undrained
1/4    cup tomato paste
8    hoagie buns, toasted if desired
2    cups shredded mozzarella cheese (8 oz)

DIRECTIONS:

    1 If beef roast comes in netting or is tied, remove netting or strings. In 4- to 5-quart slow cooker, place onions. Place beef on onions. In small bowl, mix diced tomatoes and tomato paste; pour over beef.
    2 Cover; cook on Low heat setting 8 to 10 hours.
    3 Remove beef from cooker; place on cutting board. Use 2 forks to pull beef into shreds. Return beef to cooker. Spoon about 1/2 cup beef mixture onto each bun. Top each with 1/4 cup cheese.

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JOKES:

The Official Useless Knowledge LIST

    Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.

    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

    A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

    The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

    The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

    The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

    The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

    The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

    The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

    Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

    The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

    The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius).

    Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

    Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

    The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

    Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

    Camel's milk does not curdle.

    In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

    An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

    Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

    The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

    Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

    All porcupines float in water.

    Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

    Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

    The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.

    Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

    Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

    If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

    St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.

    The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash.

    The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

    Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

    The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

    Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

    The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan.

    The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.

    When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

    The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

    The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

    It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

    You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

    Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

    Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

    Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

    In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

    A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

    Polar bears are left-handed.

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

    A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

    Starfishes haven't got brains."

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The Pope's Discovery

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!"

"Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!"

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Welcome to the Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?""No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, etc

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Granny's Bulletin

Posted On 10/01/2012 03:03:28

REMINDER FROM GOD:

Our Daily Devotional:

Struggle Against Sin

Hebrews 12:4, NIV: "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood."

We are blessed in that God's endless grace covers all sin. But, "Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" Paul asked. "By no means!" he answered, "We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" (Rom. 6:1). Paul goes further, in Romans 6, to tell us that we are no longer slaves to sin, but that we have been set free from sin. So why do we give up the fight? We are no longer mastered by sin, but we say, "I'm only human. I don't want to sin, but I can't help it." We see no hope, and we see ourselves as helpless to do anything to be truly free from sin. When Jacob wanted God to bless him, he wrestled with God and said he would not let Him go until God blessed him. What would happen if in our struggle against sin, we were to immediately open the Bible and say, "God, I am struggling with temptation, and I will not stop reading Your Word until You bless me and take away the urges to sin?" In our struggle against sin, we may not need to resist to the point of shedding our blood--we may simply need to quickly put God's Word between us and sin, and keep it there as long as necessary.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

spleenful SPLEEN-fuhl , adjective:
1. Ill-humored; irritable or peevish; spiteful; splenetic.
2. Full of or displaying spleen.

For a blink, Ratcliffe himself, who hated almost beyond telling this spleenful fellowman now well handcuffed and clamped at the ankles with cold stout bilboes, did believe in his intentions, and would have resigned all proceedings if he could; but once the doctor prescribes a purge, how can he countermand himself?
-- William T. Vollmann, Argall

Their attention was focused on Guy Fowler, a surly, spleenful man, but one of few old-salts of white blood.
-- Virginia Van Druten, Bound to Sea

The spleen was regarded as the seat of morose feelings and bad tempers in Medieval physiology. The adjective spleenful arose from this association in the late 1500s.

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RECIPE:

Smoked Turkey Tortilla Wrap

Did you know tortillas can be used as plates, forks or spoons?

Serves: 2
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: none


two 98% Fat Free MissionÂ® Burrito Size Flour Tortillas
1 tbsp. mustard
3/4 cup romaine lettuce
12 slices smoked, deli thin turkey breast
1 medium tomato, sliced
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, (2 oz.)
1 tbsp. basil, chopped
fresh ground pepper, to taste

1: Spread each tortilla with 1/2 tablespoon mustard. Arrange half of the romaine leaves and six slices of turkey on each tortilla.
2: Top each sandwich with half of a sliced tomato, 1/4 cup Mozzarella shreds and fresh basil leaves. Season with freshly ground black pepper to taste.
3: Fold the bottom 2 inches of the tortilla onto sandwich filling; roll up from side to side and slice in half before serving.

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Baked Chili

Chili and biscuits in one pot-- what could be better!

Serves: 8
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes


1 pound ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 can kidney beans, (16 ounces) rinsed and drained
1 can whole kernel corn, (15-1/4 ounces) drained
1 can tomato sauce, (15 ounces)
1 can diced tomatoes, (14-1/2 ounces) undrained
1 can chopped green chilies, (4 ounces)
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
Biscuits:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup cornmeal
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup milk

To make the chili: cook the beef, onion, and green pepper in a Dutch oven over medium heat until the meat is no longer pink; drain. Add remaining ingredients; bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, to make the biscuits: combine the flour, cornmeal, baking powder and salt in a bowl. Beat egg, milk and sour cream until smooth; stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.
Transfer chili to an ungreased 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking dish. Drop biscuit batter by heaping teaspoonfuls onto hot chili.
Bake, uncovered, at 400 degrees for 15-17 minutes or until biscuits are lightly browned.

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Mediterranean Spring Rolls

These flaky, restaurant-quality spring rolls are filled with a deliciously different filling of sun-dried tomatoes and artichoke hearts. Oven baked instead of fried, these sophisticated appetizers are irresistible!

Serves: 6 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes


1 tablespoon olive oil
1 large onion, minced (about 1 cup)
1 can (about 14 ounces) artichoke heart, drained and chopped
1/2 cup minced sun-dried tomato
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
2 teaspoons minced fresh parsley
1/2 of a 17.3-ounce package Pepperidge FarmÂ® Puff Pastry Sheets (1 sheet), thawed
2 tablespoons prepared pesto sauce
1 egg, beaten
balsamic vinegar

Heat the oven to 400Â°F. Heat the oil in a 10-inch skillet. Add the onion, artichokes and tomatoes and cook until the onion is tender and any liquid is evaporated, stirring occasionally. Stir in the black pepper and parsley. Remove the skillet from the heat. Let the vegetable mixture cool for 15 minutes.
Unfold the pastry sheet on a lightly floured surface. Roll the pastry sheet into a 12-inch square. Cut into 6 (6x4-inch) rectangles.
Spread 1 teaspoon pesto on each pastry rectangle to within 1/4 inch of the edge. With the long side facing you, spoon about 1/3 cup vegetable mixture on the bottom half of each pastry rectangle. Fold 2 opposite sides 1/2 inch over the filling. Starting at a long side, roll up like a jelly roll. Brush the pastries with the egg. Place the pastries seam-side down onto a baking sheet.
Bake for 20 minutes or until the pastries are golden brown. Let the pastries cool on the baking sheet on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Cut the pastries in half diagonally to serve. Drizzle with the balsamic vinegar, if desired.

Serving Suggestion: For a more sophisticated presentation, you can serve the spring rolls with the diagonal cut-side up. Just cut a thin slice from the ends of the spring rolls and stand them on end on the plate.

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Cherry Almond Fudge Brownies

Chocolate and cherries make a great combination in these brownies.

Serves: 9 brownies
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 35 to 40 minutes

INGREDIENTS

8 tablespoons butter or margarine, unsalted, cut into pieces
6 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
1 cup all-purpose flour, plus 1 tablespoon
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
2 large eggs, at room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1/2 cup pitted sweet cherries, fresh or frozen and defrosted
1/2 cup chopped blanched almonds

DIRECTIONS:

Position a rack in the center of the oven. Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly butter and flour a 9-inch square cake pan.

Heat the butter in a small saucepan over low heat. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in the chocolate. Let stand for 1 minute and then whisk until smooth. Cool for about 10 minutes until tepid.

Sift the cup of flour, the baking soda and salt together through a wire strainer into a large bowl.

Whisk the sugar into the chocolate mixture. Whisk in the eggs, one at a time. Beat in the vanilla and almond extracts. Using a wooden spoon, stir in the flour, mixing just until blended.

Toss the cherries with the remaining tablespoon of flour and add to the batter along with the almonds. Fold gently until just combined. Turn the mixture into the prepared pan. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out with a moist crumb. Allow the brownies to cool on a wire rack before cutting into squares.

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Apple Brown Betty

In some ways, Apple Brown Betty is more American than apple pie -- and it's easier to make!

Serves: 6
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes

3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
6 tablespoons butter or margarine
1/4 cup granulated sugar
3 slices firm-textured bread, crusts removed
1/2 cup raisins, soaked in hot water until plump
4 to 5 tart apples, peeled, cored and sliced

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter an 8-inch square baking dish.

Sift together the dry ingredients. Cut the butter into small pieces and work into the flour mixture, using a fork, pastry blender or your fingers, until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.

Cut the bread into cubes. Drain the raisins. Toss the raisins, apples and sugar with the bread.

Sprinkle a third of the flour mixture in the baking dish. Add the apple mixture and top with the remaining flour.

Bake for 35 minutes or until the topping is crisp and the fruit bubbling. Serve hot or at room temperature.

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JOKES:

BEER

Beer!
Beer Rules

Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

University is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!

Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.

Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.

What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

Only consume alcohol on days ending in "Y!"

The shortest distance between two points is off the wall

Two is company, three is an orgy.

My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
Woltman's Law:

Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can:

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

There is no such thing as a short beer. (As in, "I'm going to stop off at Joe's for a short beer before on the way home.")

Always store beer in a dark place.
Beer on The Job

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:
Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass

That damn pink elephant followed you home again

You're as jober as a sudge

The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering

You fall off the floor

You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up
99 reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. hangovers eventually go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down gently.

17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. A beer doesn't care when you come.

22. You can have a beer in public.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

32. Beer looks the same in the morning.

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

36. Beer doesn't get cramps.

37. Beer doesn't have a mother.

38. Beer doesn't have morals.

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

40. Beer always listens and never argues.

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

44. Beer doesn't demand legality.

45. Beer is never overweight.

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

53. Beer never changes its mind.

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

55. Beer never asks you to change the station.

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

59. Beer is always easy to pick up.

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.

62. Beer NEVER says no.

63. Beer is easy to get into.

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.

71. Beer doesn't blow you off.

72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

74. Beer doesn't mind football season.

75. A beer won't make you go to church.

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig

83. A beer will never make you see its parents

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

88. A beer won't smoke in your car.

89. A beer never watchs opera.

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.

93. A beer never fishes for compliments.

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

95. Beer tastes good.

96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
How to Know you've Drunk Too Much

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

**************************************************

Top Oxymorons...
Have one not on the list? Mail it to me and I'll add it with your name)

    original copy (submitted by ZeroOption)
    truly lying       (submitted by ZeroOption)
    dry martini     (submitted by ZeroOption)
    catfish           (submitted by ZeroOption)
    black light     (submitted by ZeroOption)
    dry ice          (submitted by ZeroOption)
     Jumbo Shrimp (submitted by accdarda)
    Act naturally
    Found missing
    Resident alien
    Advanced BASIC
    Genuine imitation
    Airline food
    Good grief
    Same difference
    Almost exactly
    Government organization
    Sanitary landfill
    Alone together
    Legally drunk
    Silent scream
    British fashion
    Living dead
    Small crowd
    Business ethics
    Soft rock
    Butt head
    Military intelligence
    Software documentation
    New York culture
    Extinct life
    Sweet sorrow
    Childproof
    "Now, then..."
    Synthetic natural gas
    Christian scientists
    Passive aggression
    Taped live
    Clearly misunderstood
    Peace force
    New classic
    Temporary tax increase
    French bravery
    Plastic glasses
    Terribly pleased
    Computer security
    Political science
    Tight slacks
    Definite maybe
    Pretty ugly
    Twelve-ounce pound cake
    Diet ice cream
    Rap music
    Working vacation
    Exact estimate
    Religious tolerance
    Microsoft Works

************************************************

And on the Seventh Day

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

*********************

Adam & Eve

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create." So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvey and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiney, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."

******************

The Confession

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy"?"Yes father, it is I. "Who was the woman you were with?" I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? No, father. "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" No, father. "Was it Ann Brown?" No, father, I cannot tell you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins". "Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys". Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

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