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REMINDER FROM GOD:
Things That Bug Us
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."1
As the ditty goes, "It's the little things that bother us and put us on the rack, you can sit upon a mountain but you can't sit on a tack."
And isn't that the truth? It's the little annoyances in life that get us tied in a knot. A slight criticism, a driver who cuts us off on the freeway, a green light that turns red before we get to it, a friend running late, and so on.
Let us realize, however, that somebody's negative reaction may have more to do with them than us. A criticism may be somebody projecting their unresolved issues onto us. Somebody failing to thank us may indicate that they are having a "bad hair" day, and somebody cutting us off on the freeway may be an indication of their impatience—as well as a reflection of ours!
What somebody else does to me may or may not be a problem. How I react, though, is always my issue, and when I overreact, that is always my problem. What the other person does is their issue. How I act, react, or overreact is always my issue and my responsibility.
If we'd remember that "whatever others think of me is none of my business," I would at least learn to cope much better with many of life's little annoyances. I know it's easier said than done, but it is a goal to work towards. Furthermore, the more mature and whole I become, the less life's little annoyances will bother me. I'm still working on this issue.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, as it is your purpose for me, please help me to grow through the circumstances of life that 'push my hot buttons' and so become more and more like Jesus in every way. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
caduceus
audio pronunciation
kuh-DOO-see-us
DEFINITION
noun
1
: the symbolic staff of a herald; specifically : a representation of a staff with two entwined snakes and two wings at the top
2
: an insignia bearing a caduceus and symbolizing a physician
EXAMPLES
The U.S. Army Medical Corps chose the caduceus as its symbol in 1902.
"Since then the politics of health care have grown more twisted and tangled than the two snakes entwined around the staff in a caduceus, which is sometimes used as a symbol of medicine." — From an article by Michael Cooper in The New York Times, February 15, 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
The Greek god Hermes, who served as herald and messenger to the other gods, carried a winged staff entwined with two snakes. The staff of Aesculapius, the god of healing, had one snake and no wings. The word ''caduceus," from Latin, is a modification of Greek "karykeion," from "karyx," meaning "herald." Strictly speaking, "caduceus" should refer only to the staff of the herald-god Hermes (Mercury to the Romans), but in practice the word is often applied to the one-snake staff as well. You might logically expect the staff of Aesculapius to be the symbol of the medical profession—and indeed, that is the symbol used by the American Medical Association. But you will also quite frequently see the true caduceus used as a medical symbol.
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Important Tips on How to Play Video Poker
Video poker is the game for you if you are looking for purely mathematical thrill at the casino. However, early on, it is important for you to know how to play video poker. Many people, who play video poker, do so because it bears resemblance to many other poker games that they have played like Texas Hold'Em, Omaha, Stud and most of all, Five Card Draw. These poker games are different from Video Poker in one respect: Usually, poker games have many players in a game. Video poker has only one player – and that is you.
So here is how to play video poker: Think of video poker as a solitaire variant of Five Card Draw. You first choose a coin value, for which you want to play, then you bet a certain number of coins, then you receive five cards (first draw). You can choose to discard some of the cards, or even all of them. Then you follow the procedures to receive new cards (second draw). You get no more draws beyond the second draw. To determine how much you win, each video poker machine shows the payout table for the different types of poker hands. The casino profits from video poker machines because there are different payout tables for different video poker machines.
That gives players who want to find out how to play video poker a ray of hope. Clearly there can be machines which, in the long run, are easier to beat than others? What's good in video poker is that you can control your fate and you have no opponent at all, so you don't have to bring those sophisticated moves that you may have been always using while playing regular poker games with other people. What is important for you to know are (1) the different poker hand rankings and (2) knowing the odds that you'll make highly desirable hands.
Knowing the hand rankings is a no brainer piece of advice. To refresh you, the different poker hands from lowest to highest are: high card (when no pair is formed), one pair (two cards of the same rank), two pair (two cards of one rank and two cards of a another rank), three of a kind (three cards of the same rank), straight (five cards in sequence; an Ace can be high or low), flush (five cards of the same suit), full house (a pair and a three of a kind combined), four of a kind (four cards of the same rank), straight flush (five suited cards in sequence), and royal flush (a Ten, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace, all suited). Many video poker machines require the minimum hand to be a Pair of Jacks or better for you to win something.
Now that you know the hand rankings, you should know the odds of forming hands when you have five cards already. Odds are highly situation specific, so here are some tips to keep in mind so that you can make a long-run profit: (1) If you already have one pair, discard three cards so that you can attempt for a three of a kind instead of keeping a kicker. But if you have a two pair, don't discard a pair and the unpaired card; only discard the unpaired card so that you can draw to get a possible full house. (2) If you have a pair and an open-ended straight draw (such as 10-10-9-8-7), don't aim for the straight. Aim for the three of a kind by discarding the three unpaired cards. (3) If you have a hand that could conceivably not win anything, then discard all your cards and draw anew. Don't keep any lone Ace, King or whatever
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RECIPE:
Pichet Ong's Apple Hand Pie with Bacon Caramel
Bacon isn't always the first thing you think of when you think of apple pie, but in China pork is a common ingredient in sweets. Here's a recipe from eclectic chef Pichet Ong for his twist on the classic apple pie.
This is a variation of a classic American dessert that incorporates ingredients that are traditional and then some. Pork is widely used in many desserts around the world, including many sweet snacks in China. It is also common among bakers for lard to be used in pie dough. Using savory and smoky bacon to kick up the flavor profile of an apple pie, I think, makes for an irresistible dessert. Or is it an appetizer?
Chef’s tip: When choosing the right apple for dessert, I like to use tart and seasonal varieties such as Macoun or Sierra Beauty. Check with your local market to see what it has in season. Otherwise, Granny Smiths or Pippins are excellent choices for dessert making.
SERVINGS
12
Bacon Pie Dough
INGREDIENTS
2 1/2 cups, plus 2 tablespoons unbleached all purpose flour, plus more for rolling
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 cup rendered bacon bits, unpacked
1/2 cup chilled lard, cut into 1/4" pieces
1 stick butter cut into 1/2" pieces
1/4 cup (about) ice water
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
PREPARATION
1. Toss together bacon bits with 2 tablespoons flour. In a food processor, pulse 2 1/2 cups of flour, the salt, sugar, and bacon bits three times until combined. Add lard and butter and pulse 3-4 times until the mixture resembles coarse, damp meal.
2. Add ice water and vinegar in a slow, steady stream until a moist clump forms. Add more ice water if dough is still crumbly or too dry to touch. Gather dough into ball.
3. Work on a lightly floured surface until dough is smooth. Divide into equal 12 pieces and flatten each one into a 3" circle that's 1/2" thick. Wrap each disk in plastic and chill at least 30 minutes.
Apple Filling
INGREDIENTS
7-8 tart apples, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/4" cubes
Zest and juice of 2 lemons (about 1/4 cup)
1/3 cup all purpose flour
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon, ground
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg, ground
1/3 cup raisins
40 grams of Calvados
PREPARATION
1. Toss apple pieces with zest, half of lemon juice, and flour.
2. In a pan large enough to hold the apples, bring sugars with the remaining half of the lemon juice to a light caramel.
3. Add salt and spices and stir until caramel mixture is dark and very fragrant. Add apple pieces, raisins, and Calvados and cook until apple is soft but not mushy. If mixture is too watery, strain out the liquid, return juice to the pot, and cook it down and add to the apple.
4. Let cool and refrigerate until cold before use, at least 2 hours.
Bacon-Spiked Caramel
Ingredients
1/2 cup bacon, cut into 1/4" pieces
1 1/4 cups cream
Half of a vanilla bean, split and scraped
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/3 cup warm water
1 teaspoon lemon juice
PREPARATION
1. Render bacon in a sauté pan until bacon is crispy; reserve the fat and the bacon bits separately.
2. In a pot, bring cream, vanilla, salt, and pepper to a scald and set aside to infuse. In a heavy-bottom pot, mix sugar, water, and lemon juice together.
3. Cover and cook until sugar is dissolved. Remove lid and let cook until dark caramel forms, about 6 minutes. Stir until caramel is evenly dark brown and turn off heat.
4. Carefully stream in the infused cream, being careful as the sugar might splatter, and whisk the mixture to combine.
5. After all the cream is added, whisk in the bacon fat, and bring the entire mixture to a boil. Set the pot aside to cool.
6. Once cooled, store the sauce in a covered container and refrigerate. Reserve the bacon bits to garnish the dish.
Cognac Chantilly
INGREDIENTS
1/4 cup cream, cold
2 tablespoons cognac
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup crème fraîche
PREPARATION
1. In a bowl, whip cream until soft peaks form. In a separate bowl, stir (with a rubber spatula) cognac, sugar, and salt.
2. Slowly incorporate some of the whipped cream into to the crème fraîche. Gently fold in the cognac mixture. Refrigerate until serving.
Assembly and Cooking
INGREDIENTS
2 egg yolks
2 tablespoon cream
Maldon salt
PREPARATION
1. On a lightly floured surface, roll out each dough circle to 1/4" thick with a lightly floured rolling pin into a 6" round.
2. Place 3 heaping tablespoons of apple filling in the center of the circle. Brush edges with egg wash and fold over the dough and press gently to seal. Trim off excess dough and use a fork to form a pattern on the seal.
3. Refrigerate the pies for at least 2 hours before baking. Otherwise, you can keep in the freezer up to 10 days.
4. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
5. Brush top of hand pies lightly with egg wash and sprinkle a pinch of Maldon salt on top.
6. Bake pies in oven until golden brown, about 18-22 minutes total, rotating halfway in between. Best served warm or room temperature the same day as they’re baked.
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Oatmeal-Nut Crunch Apple Pie
This decadent pie is loaded with juicy apples and adorned with a streusel-lover's crunchy topping. The pie is best served the day it's made. If you're short on time, skip making the crust and look for a ready-made whole-wheat pie crust in the freezer section of a natural-foods store. Whole Foods sells a wonderfully light and flaky version.
Serves: 10
Total Time: 3 hr 30 min
Prep Time: 1 hr
Cook Time: 50 min
Ingredients
1 cup(s) all-purpose flour
1/2 cup(s) whole-wheat pastry flour
1/4 teaspoon(s) salt
4 tablespoon(s) unsalted butter, cold, cut into small pieces
2 ounce(s) reduced-fat cream cheese, (Neufchatel)
2 tablespoon(s) canola oil
3 tablespoon(s) ice water
3 Granny Smith apples, medium, peeled and thinly sliced
3 medium McIntosh apples, peeled and thinly sliced
1/2 cup(s) light brown sugar, packed
1 tablespoon(s) lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
2 tablespoon(s) all-purpose flour
1/2 cup(s) whole-wheat pastry flour
1/3 cup(s) old-fashioned rolled oats
1/4 cup(s) light brown sugar, packed
1/2 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon(s) salt
2 tablespoon(s) unsalted butter, cold, cut into small pieces
2 tablespoon(s) frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed
1/4 cup(s) walnuts, coarsely chopped
Directions
To prepare crust: Whisk 1 cup all-purpose flour, 1/2 cup whole-wheat flour and 1/4 teaspoon salt in a medium bowl. Cut in 4 tablespoons butter and the cream cheese using a pastry blender or a fork until the mixture is pebbly. Add oil; stir until evenly moistened. Sprinkle water over the mixture; toss with a fork to combine. Knead the dough in the bowl a few times. Gather into a ball, press into a disk and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
Roll the dough into a 14-inch circle between 2 large pieces of parchment or wax paper. Peel off the top sheet and invert the dough into a 9-inch pie pan. Peel off the remaining paper. Press the dough firmly into the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Tuck the overhanging dough under, forming a double-thick edge. Crimp the edge with your fingers. Using a fork, prick the dough in several places. Refrigerate the crust for 15 minutes.
Position a rack in the lower third of the oven; preheat to 375°F.
Bake the crust for 15 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool, about 30 minutes.
To prepare filling: Combine apples, 1/2 cup brown sugar, lemon juice and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon in a large bowl. Let stand for 10 minutes. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour over the apples and toss again; mound the filling into the cooled crust. Coat the crust edges with cooking spray, return the pie to the oven and bake for 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, prepare topping: Combine 1/2 cup whole-wheat flour, oats, 1/4 cup brown sugar, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and 1/8 teaspoon salt in a medium bowl. Cut in 2 tablespoons butter with a pastry blender or a fork until evenly distributed. Stir in orange juice concentrate and nuts.
After the pie has baked for 30 minutes, remove it from the oven and scatter the topping over the apples. Return it to the oven (covering the edges of the crust with foil if they're browning too quickly) and bake until the topping is golden and the juices are bubbling around the edges, 20 minutes more. Cool for at least 1 hour before serving.
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Apple-Pear Crisp
Serves: 16 Edit
Yields: 16
Total Time: 1 hr 30 min
Cook Time: 45 min
Ingredients
1 large lemon
6 medium Golden Delicious apples
5 medium Bartlett pears
3 tablespoon(s) quick-cooking tapioca
1 tablespoon(s) peeled, grated gingerroot, or 1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/3 cup(s) light brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
3/4 cup(s) all-purpose flour
1/3 cup(s) quick-cooking or old-fashioned oats
1/8 teaspoon(s) salt
1/2 cup(s) butter or margarine
Directions
From lemon, grate 1 tablespoon peel and squeeze 2 tablespoons juice. Peel, core, and slice apples and pears into 1/2-inch-thick slices. In large bowl, toss fruit slices with lemon peel, lemon juice, tapioca, ginger, 1/4 cup packed brown sugar, and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon. Let fruit mixture stand 30 minutes to soften tapioca, stirring occasionally.
Meanwhile, in medium bowl, combine flour, oats, salt, 1/3 cup packed brown sugar, and 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon. With pastry blender or two knives used scissor-fashion, cut margarine or butter in until coarse crumbs form.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Spoon apple mixture into 13" by 9" glass baking dish; sprinkle with crumb topping. Bake crisp 35 to 45 minutes until fruit is tender and topping is golden. Cool slightly on wire rack to serve warm. Or cool completely to serve later.
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Apple Brown Betty
Serves: 8 Edit
Yields: 8
Total Time: 1 hr 30 min
Cook Time: 50 min
Oven Temp: 400
Ingredients
8 slice(s) firm white bread, torn into 1/2-inch pieces
1/2 cup(s) butter or margarine, melted
1 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
2 1/2 pound(s) Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
2/3 cup(s) (packed) light brown sugar
2 tablespoon(s) fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon(s) vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon(s) ground nutmeg
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. In 15 1/2" by 10 1/2" jelly-roll pan, bake bread pieces until very lightly toasted, about 12 to 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Grease shallow 2-quart ceramic or glass baking dish.
In medium bowl, combine melted margarine or butter and 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon. Add toasted bread; toss gently until evenly moistened.
In large bowl, toss sliced apples, brown sugar, lemon juice, vanilla, ground nutmeg, and remaining 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon.
Place 1/2 cup bread pieces in baking dish. Top with half the apple mixture, then 1 cup bread pieces. Place remaining apple mixture on top; sprinkle with remaining bread pieces, leaving a 1-inch border all around edge.
Cover dish with foil and bake 40 minutes. Uncover and bake 10 minutes longer or until apples are tender and crumbs on top are brown. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. Serve warm.
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Cheddar-Crust Vermont Apple Pie
Your family will love this New England tradition.
Serves: 10
Total Time: 2 hr
Cook Time: 1 hr 15 min
Ingredients
2 1/2 cup(s) all-purpose flour
3 ounce(s) (3/4 cup) shredded grated extra-sharp Cheddar cheese
1/2 teaspoon(s) salt
3 tablespoon(s) shortening
1/2 cup(s) margarine or butter
2 tablespoon(s) margarine or butter
6 large (about 3 1/4 pounds) Cortland apples
1 tablespoon(s) lemon juice
2/3 cup(s) sugar
1/4 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
Directions
In medium bowl, mix 2 1/4 cups flour with Cheddar cheese and salt. With pastry blender or two knives used scissor-fashion, cut in shortening and 1/2 cup margarine or butter (1 stick) until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle 4 to 6 tablespoons cold water, 1 tablespoon at a time, into flour mixture, mixing lightly with a fork after each addition until dough is just moist enough to hold together. Shape dough into 2 balls, 1 slightly larger than the other. Flatten smaller ball into a disk; cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to use.
On lightly floured surface, with floured rolling pin, roll larger ball of dough into a round 2 inches larger all around than inverted 9 1/2-inch deep-dish pie plate. Gently ease dough into pie plate; trim edge leaving 1-inch overhang. Cover and refrigerate at least 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, peel, core, and slice apples into 3/8-inch-thick slices. Place apple slices in large bowl; toss with lemon juice. In small bowl, mix sugar and cinnamon with remaining 1/4 cup flour. Add sugar mixture to apple slices; toss well to coat. Spoon apple mixture into chilled piecrust; dot with remaining 2 tablespoons margarine or butter.
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Roll remaining dough for top crust into 11-inch round. Center round over filling in bottom crust. Trim edge, leaving 1-inch overhang. Fold overhang under; bring up over pie-plate rim and pinch to form high decorative edge. Cut short slashes in top crust to allow steam to escape during baking.
Place sheet of foil underneath pie plate; crimp foil edges to form a rim to catch any drips during baking. Bake pie 1 hour and 15 minutes or until apples are tender when pierced with a knife and pie is bubbly. To prevent overbrowning, cover pie loosely with a tent of foil during last 10 minutes of baking. Cool pie on wire rack 1 hour; serve warm. Or, cool completely to serve later.
Tips & Techniques
The dough can be prepared a day ahead if refrigerated and up to 2 weeks ahead if frozen. You can make the entire pie up to a day in advance. Reheat, loosely covered with foil, in 350 degrees F oven about 20 minutes.
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Apple-Oat Crisp
This crisp works well with either tart Granny Smith apples or the sweeter Golden Delicious variety; both hold their shape nicely when baked. Our test-kitchen staff prefers a combination of the two.
Serves: 12 Edit
Yields: 12 servings
Total Time: 45 min
Prep Time: 15 min
Cook Time: 30 min
Oven Temp: 425
Ingredients
1 lemon
3 pound(s) Granny Smith and/or Golden Delicious apples, peeled, cored, and cut into 1-inch wedges
1/3 cup(s) (plus 1/4 cup) packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoon(s) (plus 1/3 cup) all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon(s) salt
1 cup(s) old-fashioned oats, uncooked
4 tablespoon(s) butter or margarine, softened
Directions
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. From lemon, grate 1/2 teaspoon peel and squeeze 2 tablespoons juice. In 13" by 9" glass or ceramic baking dish, toss lemon peel and juice with apple wedges, 1/3 cup brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour, ground cinnamon, and salt until apples are evenly coated.
In medium bowl, mix oats with remaining 1/4 cup sugar and 1/3 cup flour. With fingertips, blend in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Press crumb mixture into clumps and sprinkle over apple mixture.
Bake apple crisp 30 to 35 minutes or until apples are tender and topping is lightly browned. Cool crisp on wire rack for 10 minutes to serve warm, or cool completely (1 hour) on rack to serve later. Reheat if desired.
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JOKES:
Great Ways to Annoy Yankees
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1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie - John Michael - Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War" Always interject that "there weren't nothing Civil about it."
10. Address all males as "son" and women as "little lady."
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say "yoo weeee!! That ain't fit to eat!"
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.
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The City of New York High School Math Proficiency Exam NAME
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The City of New York High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________________
1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?
7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10.) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
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Help for Visitors to Atlanta
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Translation of Atlanta for Visitors
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get
out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.
4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask
for any other soft drink.
5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you
started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour
is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not
attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to
the right and stare at you.
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease;
so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the
street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected
to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent
form of entertainment.
17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close
down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be
a common theme in almost any major American city).
18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours
mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated
number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road
and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It
winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely
see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the
oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the
salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.
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Political Correctness for Teenagers
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
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Free Soap
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Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman
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Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Church: To Be or Not to Be
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."1
You've probably read about the man who quit attending church and was visited by his pastor.
According to the story, "It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.
"Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it."
"As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday.'"2
Note: Be sure to read, "Benefits of a Good Church" at: http://tinyurl.com/bs9jf
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to realize the need to be involved in a good church where the people believe in your Word and live in harmony with the principles found therein. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Hebrews 10:2 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
wend
audio pronunciation
WEND
DEFINITION
verb
: to direct one's course : travel, proceed
EXAMPLES
The hikers wended through the forest's trails.
"Improvements in wastewater treatment and conservation upgraded the water quality of the river, which wends its way nearly 500 miles from its origin in the Appalachian Plateau to Point Lookout, Maryland, where it empties into the Chesapeake Bay." — From an article by John Pekkanen in The Washingtonian, July 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
"Wend" is related to the verb "wind," which means, among other things, "to follow a series of curves and turns." It is also a distant relative of the verb "wander." "Wend" itself began its journey in Old English as "windan," meaning "to twist." "Wend" has twisted itself into various meanings over the years. Most of its senses—including "to come about," "to depart," "to change," and "to betake"—have since wandered off into obscurity, but its current sense of "to direct or to proceed" is holding steady on the path.
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5 Essential Maintenance Tips For Area Rugs
Area rugs are available in variety of materials. Irrespective of the material that you choose, it is important to clean them as frequently as possible to make them long lasting and looking good. Area rugs are the most susceptible items for accumulation of all kinds of dirt and grime both solid and liquid, though. So when the right steps are not taken to clean them, not only will they look bad, they will start to emit a foul smell and possibly spoil the entire décor of your home. Thus it is periodic cleaning that will make your area rugs looking great for a long time as well as add functionality to your home.
Here are the easiest 5 maintenance tips for area rugs
• An area rug has to be vacuumed every week in order to remove all the dirt, dust, hair strands and any other filth. This will ensure that there is no spread of dirt from one room to another.
• A rug can also be kept clean and fresh by making use of some dry powder once a month. This form of cleaning will ensure that the carpet is free from all kinds of dirt plus keeps smelling fresh at all times.
• Your rugs also need to be washed at periodic intervals of at least once every six months so that any bacteria accumulated on them can be eliminated.
• If a rug has some chewing gum stuck on it, this can spoil the entire look of a living area. Thus do not make use of lot of pressure to clean this filth as there is danger of tearing the rug. Instead make use of some dry powder or detergent on the location of the sticky mess and leave it alone for a few minutes. After some time, try to gently scrape the gum with the help of a butter knife. This way the chewing gum will come off easily and the area rug will be safe.
• When the rug has a liquid spilled on it, do not scrub the area hard as there is chance of liquid spreading to the entire rug (scrubbing may even tear that region). It is best to make use of paper towels to slowly blot out the liquid spill which will ensure that the liquid is absorbed and is not spread any further.
Apart from these specific cleaning tips, care should also be taken to get the area rug dry cleaned via a good cleaning company in the vicinity at regular intervals. Your rug must never be washed in a washing machine or in water as its fibers are very tenderly woven and may give away when it takes some heavy tumbling inside a washing machine. In fact, the material may even shrink in size when water is used to clean it.
By following these simple care tips, your rugs can be made to last for many years, keeping the same shine and look as if they were new.
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RECIPE:
Grandma's Lemon Meringue Pie
"This is a very fun recipe to follow, because Grandma makes it sweet and simple. This pie is thickened with cornstarch and flour in addition to egg yolks, and contains no milk."
Prep Time: 30 Min
Cook Time: 10 Min
Ready In: 40 Min
Original
Recipe Yield 1 - 9 inch pie
Ingredients
1 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups water
2 lemons, juiced and zested
2 tablespoons butter
4 egg yolks, beaten
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
4 egg whites
6 tablespoons white sugar
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
To Make Lemon Filling: In a medium saucepan, whisk together 1 cup sugar, flour, cornstarch, and salt. Stir in water, lemon juice and lemon zest. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, until mixture comes to a boil. Stir in butter. Place egg yolks in a small bowl and gradually whisk in 1/2 cup of hot sugar mixture. Whisk egg yolk mixture back into remaining sugar mixture. Bring to a boil and continue to cook while stirring constantly until thick. Remove from heat. Pour filling into baked pastry shell.
To Make Meringue: In a large glass or metal bowl, whip egg whites until foamy. Add sugar gradually, and continue to whip until stiff peaks form. Spread meringue over pie, sealing the edges at the crust.
Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes, or until meringue is golden brown.
Nutritional Information open nutritional information
Amount Per Serving Calories: 298 | Total Fat: 10.3g | Cholesterol: 110mg
**********************************
Key Lime Pie
Yield: 8 servings
Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Cook Time: 45 Minutes
Ingredients
4 large eggs, separated
1 (14 oz.) can Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
3/4 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon grated lime peel
2 or 3 drops green food coloring
1 (9-inch) unbaked pie crust
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 cup sugar
Instructions
HEAT oven to 350°F. Beat egg yolks in medium bowl on
low speed of electric mixer. Gradually beat in sweetened
condensed milk and lime juice until smooth. Blend in
cream, lime peel and food coloring, if desired. Pour into
unbaked pie crust. Bake 25 minutes. Remove from oven.
BEAT egg whites and cream of tartar in medium bowl on
high speed until soft peaks form. Gradually beat in sugar
on medium speed. Beat 4 minutes or until sugar is
dissolved and stiff glossy peaks form. Spread over hot pie,
carefully sealing to edge of crust to prevent meringue from
shrinking.
BAKE an additional 15 minutes or until meringue is
lightly browned. Cool 1 hour on wire rack. Chill at least 3
hours before serving.
Nutritional Information Per Serving
Serving Size (1 slice, 1/8 of pie), Calories 430 (Calories
from Fat 180), Total Fat 20g (Saturated Fat 10g, Trans Fat
0g), Cholesterol 135mg, Sodium 180mg, Total
Carbohydrate 55g (Dietary Fiber 1g, Sugars 43g), Protein
9g; Percent Daily Value*: Vitamin A 10%, Vitamin C 8%,
Calcium 15%, Iron 6%.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
**********************************************
Lemon Cream Pie
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Cook Time: 35 Minutes
Ingredients
3 large egg yolks
1 (14 oz.) can Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk
1/2 cup lemon juice
1 (8 or 9-inch) prepared graham cracker or baked pie crust
Frozen whipped topping, thawed or whipped cream
Grated lemon peel
Instructions
HEAT oven to 325°F. Beat egg yolks in medium bowl with mixer. Add sweetened condensed milk and lemon juice until well mixed. Pour into crust.
BAKE 30 to 35 minutes or until set. Remove from oven. Cool 1 hour. Chill at least 3 hours.
SPREAD whipped topping or whipped cream over pie before serving. Garnish with lemon peel, if desired.
Nutritional Information Per Serving
Serving Size (1 slice, 1/8 of pie), Calories 350 (Calories from Fat 140), Total Fat 15g (Saturated Fat 8g, Trans Fat 2g), Cholesterol 47mg, Sodium 140mg, Total Carbohydrate 47g (Dietary Fiber 0g, Sugars 39g), Protein 6g; Percent Daily Value*: Vitamin A 4%, Vitamin C 10%, Calcium 15%, Iron 4%.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
*********************************************
Fluffy Lemon-Lime Pie Recipe
You can't go wrong with this refreshing treat sent in my Mrs. C.G. Rowland. The Chattanooga, Tennessee reader simply mixes together three ingredients, puts the combination into a prepared crust and pops it in the refrigerator.
Prep: 15 min. + chilling
Yield: 6-8 Servings
Ingredients
1 envelope (.13 ounce) unsweetened lemon-lime soft drink mix
1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
1 carton (8 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed
1 graham cracker crust (9 inches)
Directions
In a large bowl, dissolve soft drink mix in milk; fold in whipped topping. Spoon into crust. Cover and refrigerate for 3 hours or until set. Yield: 6-8 servings.
Nutritional Facts 1 serving (1 piece) equals 399 calories, 16 g fat (10 g saturated fat), 23 mg cholesterol, 211 mg sodium, 57 g carbohydrate, trace fiber, 6 g protein.
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Mexican Rice
A 'side of Mexico' sure to enhance any Mexican meal.
Serves: 8
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 cup long grain white rice
1/2 cup onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 16-oz. Jar ORTEGA® Thick & Chunky Salsa, medium
1 1/4 cups water
1 large carrot, peeled and shredded
1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed (optional)
MELT butter in large saucepan over medium heat. Add rice, onion and garlic; cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 to 4 minutes or until rice is golden. Stir in salsa, water, carrot and peas. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low; cook, covered, for 25 to 30 minutes or until liquid is absorbed and rice is tender.
*
Notes: For a quick-cook Mexican Rice, use 4 cups instant rice instead of 1 cup long-grain white rice, and 2 1/2 cups water instead of 1 1/4 cups water. After salsa mixture comes to a boil, cook for length of time recommended on instant rice package.
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Cheesy Spinach Pasta Pie
Serve this meatless pasta for brunch with fresh fruit, or as an accompaniment to roasted chicken from your grocer for dinner.
Serves: 6
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 37 minutes
1 package (9-oz.) STOUFFER'S® frozen Creamed Spinach, defrosted according to package directions
6 ounces dry spaghetti, prepared according to package directions
1 tablespoon Vegetable Oil
6 large eggs, divided
1 cup ricotta cheese
1 cup mozzarella cheese, shredded, divided
1/2 cup half-and-half
1/3 cup onion, chopped
2/3 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
1/4 cup fresh chopped Parsley
1 teaspoon crushed basil
PREHEAT oven to 375 degrees F.
COMBINE pasta, oil and 2 lightly beaten eggs in large bowl; press onto bottom and up side of 10-inch pie plate.
BAKE for 7 to 10 minutes or until set.
COMBINE creamed spinach, remaining eggs, ricotta cheese, ½ cup mozzarella cheese, half-and-half, onion, Parmesan, parsley and basil; spoon into pasta shell. Top with remaining mozzarella.
BAKE for 30 to 35 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean; cool for 10 minutes before serving.
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JOKES:
You Might be a Yankee If...
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes
over your head.
12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.
18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on An on*ramp on the highway.
23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.
25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what appliqued is.
29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.
30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32) You've never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are homemade.
**************************************************
You Might be a City Girl If..
You believed that the car was REALLY out of gas.
You've never tried a chaw of Red Man.
You've never tipped a cow because they don't work in restaurants.
You won't bait your own hook because worms are "icky".
You do all of your gardening in barrels on the patio.
You get to park your car in the garage because your husband doesn't own ANY old tractors.
You've never gotten a jar of Bag Balm as a gift.
You don't like country ham.
You've never even heard of red-eye gravy.
You know how to make quiche, and your husband actually likes it.
You think pork butts are part of a pigs ass.
You've never been to a tractor pull.
Your boyfriend took you to a tractor pull and you DIDN'T like it.
You think that wind mill in the cow pasture is there to keep the cows cool.
Your boyfriend's truck was made in Japan.
Your kids play soccer instead of baseball.
You like deer because they have pretty brown eyes.
You saw the vet preg-checking a cow and called 911.
You like cats better than coon dogs.
All of your cats live in the house.
All of your cats have names.
You think "long johns" come from the donut shop.
Your husband's lawn mower requires an extension cord.
You've never been on a hay ride.
When you hear the word "steamer" you think of the Titanic.
You've never eaten poke greens.
You think that mountain oysters are seafood from Colorado.
You have never been snipe hunting.
You think milk comes from plastic jugs.
You've never gone skinny-dipping in a creek.
The first time you ate barbecued ribs you asked how they got the food on those little sticks.
You can't find the flush lever in the outhouse!
You think the only difference between red and white corn cobs is the color.
You think "coon" is a just a cruel name for African Americans.
You called the police when you found out your boyfriend is a coon hunter.
The tires on your boyfriend's car are all the same size.
You don't know the difference between a cow and a bull.
You think the only difference between a cow and a bull is the horns.
You think that when a bull mounts a cow, he's only doing it to get a better view!
You think that cow poop smells bad.
You've never planted flowers in an old tractor tire.
You don't know that caviar is really just fish eggs.
You think John Deere was one of the Mouseketeers.
You cried when you found out where hamburgers come from.
**************************************************
Tips For Yankees Movin South
26 Tips for Yankees moving South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck"or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
************************************************
Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk
And they say we talk funny?!
If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this guide may help you understand what they are sayin', (but I doubt it).
Pahty: A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.
ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah." bay
ah: Ferocious brown or black animal.
beah: Malt beverage.
bahn: As in: "What yeah were you bahn in?"
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
cahn: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah
fahk: What you eat pahster with.
fiah: Blaze
Gahden: What they closed last yeah (also a place to plant flowahs.)
hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Preppy college across the rivah.
hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
khakis: What you staht the cah with and keep on yawh key chain.
nawtheastah: Stahm that blows in from the wottah.
Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown, eithah.
pahster: spaghetti, ziti, etc.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
Rawjah: He *used to* throw the fastest fastballs at Fenway.....
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hoss shouting, "To Ahms!"
shuah: Of course
shot: Not tall.
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
wottah: H2O
yeah: A 365 day period.
Tags: ReReligion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Persistence Pays
"It is God himself, in his mercy, who has given us this wonderful work [of telling his Good News to Others], and so we never give up."1
You may have read about the boy who loved to go house to house handing out gospel tracts every Sunday afternoon with his pastor father. On one rainy, cold Sunday his father didn't want to go out on visitation so the son, with his dad's permission, went out alone.
At the last house the son was visiting he rang the bell many times but nobody came to the door. When he turned to leave, he felt constrained to go back and try one more time. This time he knocked very hard on the door … waited patiently … and in a while an elderly lady answered. He gave her his last tract and told her that God loved her.
As the story goes, the following Sunday at the lad's church when the pastor gave his people the opportunity to share any blessings they had received the previous week, an elderly lady in the back stood to share how, on the previous wet, cold Sunday, she was at wits end. Her husband had passed away and she had no friends or family in the area and was about to end her life. She shared how she had ignored the persistent ringing of her doorbell but when she heard a loud knocking, she decided to see who was there. She was surprised to find a young lad who told her that God loved her and handed her a piece of literature. "I read the literature," she said, "and prayed the prayer to ask Jesus to be my Savior. And as your church address was on the literature, I decided to come here to church today."
We never know just how God will use us if we are but persistent! This story reminds me how, when I was a teenager growing up in my small hometown church, each year we would have a week of "revival" (evangelistic outreach meetings), but not a single adult would ever go house to house to give people an invitation to attend. One year one of the pastor's teenage sons and I were the only ones who would do this visitation. Another year I went out alone.
So now today, many years later, I'm still going house to house … but via the web and email … to thousands of homes, families, and individuals worldwide every day. As a teen I could never have imagined in all my wildest dreams where I would be and what I would be doing today.
And if you and I keep on serving God day by day, we will never know the results until we get to Heaven for only eternity will reveal what our faithful service to the Lord will reveal.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be faithful in my service to you no matter how small or large my tasks may be, and grant that my efforts (with your help) will affect other lives not only for time, but also for eternity. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 2 Corinthians 4:1 (TLB)(NLT).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
ecstatic
audio pronunciation
ek-STAT-ik
DEFINITION
adjective
: of, relating to, or marked by rapturous delight
EXAMPLES
Naomi's face was ecstatic as she accepted first prize in the essay contest.
"Jordan Staal would much rather play with his brother than against him. Traded on his wedding day in June, he became teammates with older brother Eric Staal on the Carolina Hurricanes. 'We knew the family thing was a very intriguing part of this whole thing,' Jordan said Friday at a press conference, according to the Raleigh News & Observer. '... As a family, for me and Eric especially, we're ecstatic to have this come together as it did.'" — From an article on NHL.com, July 27, 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
"Ecstatic" has been used in our language since at least 1590, and the noun "ecstasy" is even older, dating from the 1300s. Both derive from the Greek verb "existanai" ("to put out of place"), which was used in a Greek phrase meaning "to drive someone out of his or her mind." That seems an appropriate history for words that can describe someone who is nearly out of his or her mind with intense emotion. In early use, "ecstatic" was sometimes linked to mystic trances, out-of-body experiences, and temporary madness. Today, however, it most typically implies a state of enthusiastic excitement or intense happiness.
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The History Of The Computer
Every great song is a continuation of a previous great song, so be it with the computer. Primitive forms of the modern day computer originated 5000 years ago. It all started with the development of the Abacus, which gave way to the pencil and paper. This rudimentary computing style continued for thousands of years. The post-World War II era saw the first generation of what is now known as the modern day computer. The evolution of the computer has continued its steadfast development in an accelerated manner only restricted by technological wherewithal, and possibly human imagination.
Pencil and paper, the computing method of choice for thousands of years after the introduction of the Abacus, continued to exist until the mid-1600s; then the Pascaline was developed. This basic computer relied on movable dials for its computation functionality; however, its abilities were limited to addition only.
It was not until the mid-1800s, when Thomas Colmar developed a machine that could perform the basic arithmetic functions; it could add, subtract, multiply, and divide. This computer, called the arithometer, was widely used until the start of the First World War. Colmar along with preceding inventors Pascal, and Leibniz is accredited for defining mechanical computation, as we know it today.
England's own Charles Babbage, mathematics professor, designed the first multi-functional computer in 1830, which he named the Analytical Engine. Although this device never was constructed, the concept was considered a breakthrough.
To deal with the expanding United States population during the late 1800's, census takers determined they needed a faster, and more comprehensive computing system. The previous census was completed in seven years, and there were fears that it would take at least 10 years to complete the latest census. In 1890 Herman Hollerith, an American inventor, improved and further developed the punch card reader as a method for storing data and reducing computational errors. Using Hollerith's invention, census takers compiled the results in less than two months! In 1927, this new computational and storage system was soon introduced into the business world, eventually becoming known as International Business Machines (IBM). This method of using punch card readers for data processing continued until 1965.
The Second World War initiated the further development of the computer. The potential strategic importance of a computer now hastened the technological development process. This new urgency prompted the invention of the transistor in 1948, which changed the computer so drastically it was now called a supercomputer. This meant computers were now able to store programs, and programming language, which enabled them finally to be cost-effective and useful for the business world. The entire software industry now began.
Transistors were clearly a crucial breakthrough, but there was a serious problem; their operating temperatures were too high. As a result, the integrated circuit was developed, combining electronic components onto a small silicone disk which was made from quartz. This small silicone disk became known as the semi-conductor. Taking it one-step further, by the 1980s thousands of components were being loaded onto a single chip, which by now is called a microprocessor. This microprocessor could be programmed to meet various requirements such as television sets, automobiles, and recorders.
IBM introduced the first personal computer (PC) in 1981. 10 years later 65 million PCs were being used. As computer usage became more widespread, linking them together, or networking, created new ways to harness their potential. This enabled the computers to share memory space, software, information, and to communicate with each other. Using either cable or telephone lines, Local Area Network commonly known as (LAN), created networks of monumental proportions. Global computer circuitry, the Internet, now linked computers around the world into a single information network.
Artificial intelligence, spoken word instructions, and human reasoning are just a few of the modern engineering advances in computer technology. Easily understood user-friendly computer design is technologically complicated. In order to look into the crystal ball of the future one has to understand and appreciate how far we have come since the invention of the integrated circuit; our imagination is our only limitation.
Written by: Raymond G. James
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RECIPE:
Making Garlic Powder
Garlic is a wonderful and powerful savory addition. It jazzes up many recipes and also contains healing properties. Truly fresh garlic is pungent, white, hard, and full of a juicy liquid. I believe that much of the garlic that is sold in stores has gone past its peak (rubbery or soft) and has lost much of its value. One way to maintain not only its flavor but also its healing powers is to dry it and make it into garlic powder.
• Garlic should be picked when it has four green leaves left on the plant.
• The leaves will begin to turn brown in the summer—one at a time.
• Pick about eight garlics at a time, bundle them tightly together, and tie them with string.
• Hang the bundles in a shady, airy place to begin to dry.
• Leave the garlic bundles hanging out for 2 to 4 weeks.
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Juicy Peach Crisp
Ingredients
6 fresh peaches - peeled, pitted and sliced
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
Directions
Preheat an oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C), and grease an 8 inch square baking dish.
Place the peaches in the bottom of the baking dish, and sprinkle them with almond extract.
In a bowl, combine the flour, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt. Cut the butter into the flour mixture with a pastry cutter until the mixture resembles crumbs.
Sprinkle the flour mixture in an even layer over the top of the peaches, and bake in the preheated oven for about 45 minutes, until the peaches are bubbling and the topping is browned
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Slow-Cooked Pork & Beans
Prep: 25 min.
Cook: 6 hours
Yield: 12 Servings
Ingredients
1 package (1 pound) sliced bacon, chopped
1 cup chopped onion
2 cans (15 ounces each) pork and beans, undrained
1 can (16 ounces) kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 can (16 ounces) butter beans, rinsed and drained
1 can (15-1/4 ounces) lima beans, rinsed and drained
1 can (15 ounces) black beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1 tablespoon molasses
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon ground mustard
Directions
In a large skillet, cook bacon and onion over medium heat until bacon is crisp. Remove to paper towels to drain.
In a 4-qt. slow cooker, combine the remaining ingredients; stir in bacon mixture. Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours or until heated through. Yield: 12 servings.
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Macaroni Coleslaw
Prep: 25 min. + chilling
Yield: 16 Servings
Ingredients
1 package (7 ounces) ring macaroni or ditalini
1 package (14 ounces) coleslaw mix
2 medium onions, finely chopped
2 celery ribs, finely chopped
1 medium cucumber, finely chopped
1 medium green pepper, finely chopped
1 can (8 ounces) whole water chestnuts, drained and chopped
DRESSING:
1-1/2 cups Miracle Whip Light
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup cider vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Directions
Cook macaroni according to package directions; drain and rinse in cold water. Transfer to a large bowl; add the coleslaw mix, onions, celery, cucumber, green pepper and water chestnuts.
In a small bowl, whisk the dressing ingredients. Pour over salad; toss to coat. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Yield: 16 servings.
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Monterey Jack Pesto Panini
What You Need
2 slices sourdough bread
1 Tbsp. pesto
1 KRAFT Monterey Jack Cheese Slice with a TOUCH OF PHILADELPHIA
2 oz. sliced cooked chicken
1/4 cup arugula
1-1/2 tsp. extra virgin olive oil
Make It
Heat panini grill. Spread bread slices with pesto; fill with cheese, chicken and arugula.
Brush outside of sandwich with oil.
Cook 4 to 5 min. or until golden brown.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Serving Suggestion
Serve with a mixed green salad and your favorite fresh fruit to round out the meal.
If You Don't Have a Panini Grill
Heat skillet on medium heat. Cook sandwich 3 min. on each side or until cheese is melted and sandwich is golden brown on both sides, gently pressing down top of sandwich with spatula to flatten slightly as it cooks.
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Smothered Pork Chops
When you need to get dinner on the table, and don't have time to spare, get out your skillet and try these scrumptious pork chops that go from fridge to table in just 35 minutes.
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Swanson® Beef Stock or 1 3/4 cups Swanson® Beef Broth
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
Vegetable cooking spray
6 bone-in pork chop, 1/2-inch thick (about 1 1/2 pounds)
1 large onion, sliced (about 1 cup)
Stir the broth, cornstarch and black pepper in a small bowl until the mixture is smooth.
Spray a 12-inch skillet with the cooking spray and heat over medium-high heat for 1 minute. Add the pork and cook for 5 minutes or until well browned on both sides. Remove the pork from the skillet. Remove the skillet from the heat.
Reduce the heat to medium. Spray the skillet with the cooking spray and heat for 1 minute. Add the onion and cook until it's tender-crisp, stirring occasionally.
Stir the broth mixture in the skillet. Cook and stir until the mixture boils and thickens. Return the pork to the skillet. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 5 minutes or until the pork is cooked through.
Notes: Nutritional Values per Serving using Swanson Beef Broth: Calories 128, Total Fat 5g, Saturated Fat 2g, Cholesterol 42mg, Sodium 300mg, Total Carbohydrate 4g, Dietary Fiber 0g, Protein 15g, Vitamin A 0%DV, Vitamin C 3%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 3%DV
Nutritional Values per Serving using Swanson Beef Stock: Calories 132, Total Fat 5g, Saturated Fat 2g, Cholesterol 42mg, Sodium 186mg, Total Carbohydrate 5g, Dietary Fiber 0g, Protein 16g, Vitamin A 2%DV, Vitamin C 3%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 3%DV
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JOKES:
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others'
friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"
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There was once a woman who was married to a man who would make extremely load and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up. Every time he did so, the woman was disgusted and told him, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out!"
One morning the woman got up early to cook a turkey for a party they were hosting that night. As she looked down at the turkey's guts and entrails that she had just removed, she got a Mischievous little idea...
The woman then took the turkey entrails and guts and walked upstairs to her bedroom, where her husband was still sleeping. She carefully pulled down his shorts and placed the turkey guts inside them. She smiled and went back downstairs to finish her work.
A few minutes later, she heard her husband wake up with his usual "Sonic-Boom" fart, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream. She laughed as she heard him run into the bathroom.
A short while later, he came down to the kitchen still panting from the scare. She tried to hold back a smile as she asked him what was the matter.
This was his reply: "Honey, you were right! You said one of these days i was gonna fart my guts out. And it happened! But, by the grace of God and a can of WD-40, i got most of it back in!"
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"
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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
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Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Barking Dogs and Sleeping Lions
"Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise … the weak things of the world to shame the strong … the lowly things of the world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."1
Washington Irving is credited with having made the remark that "a barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion." Another way of saying the same thing is that "the race is not always to the swift but to those who keep on running."
One of the encouraging aspects about God is that you don't have to be an expert or anything out of the ordinary for him to use you. God uses people just like you and me. Consider, for example, the men Jesus chose to be his disciples: a couple of fishermen, a despised tax gatherer, a traitor, and so on. They did, however, spend three years with Jesus, the Master Teacher to equip them for service.
Jesus himself didn't attend college or seminary (or the equivalent in his day) but chose as his profession to be a carpenter as was his earthly father.
For God to use us, all we need to do is to be available and faithful to his calling. One of my daily prayers is: "Dear God, I'm available. Please make me usable and use me today to be as Christ to my family, to someone in need, and in some way to every life I touch."
What a difference we Christians would make in our family, in our church, and in our world if every one of us would pray this prayer and mean it—every day!
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, I'm available. Please make me usable and use me today to be as Christ to my family, to someone in need, and in some way to every life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 1 Corinthians 1:26-28 (NIV).
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
inspissate
audio pronunciation
in-SPISS-ayt
DEFINITION
verb
: to make or become thick or thicker
EXAMPLES
"Marmalade of carrots is the juice of yellow carrots, inspissated till it is of the thickness of fluid honey, or treacle, which last it resembles both in taste and color." — From Capt. James E. Cook's 1777 book A Voyage Towards the South Pole and Round the World, Volume 1
"Estrogen and progesterone affect direction and flow of tubal secretions, which may accumulate, inspissate, and eventually calcify." — From Gary B. Siskin's 2009 book Interventional Radiology in Women’s Health
DID YOU KNOW?
"Inspissate" is ultimately derived from Latin "spissus" ("slow, dense") and is related to Greek "spidnos" ("compact") and Lithuanian "spisti" ("to form a swarm"). When it appeared in English in the 17th century, "inspissate" suggested a literal thickening. Francis Bacon, for example, wrote in 1626 that "Sugar doth inspissate the Spirits of the Wine, and maketh them not so easie to resolue into Vapour." Eventually "inspissate" was also used metaphorically. Clive Bell once wrote of "parties of school children and factory girls inspissating the gloom of the museum atmosphere." There is also an adjective "inspissate," meaning "thickened in consistency" or "made thick, heavy, or intense," but that word is used even less frequently than the somewhat rare verb.
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Arthritis Remedies: 10 Foods That Help and Hurt Fight Flare-Ups With an Arthritis Diet
By Dorothy Foltz-Gray, Special to Lifescript - Reviewed By Edward C. Geehr, M.D. Published August 13, 2012
Some of the best arthritis remedies are actually found in the foods you eat. Learn the 10 foods that help and hurt arthritis.
Food can't cure arthritis, but it can make the disease less painful - or worse. Learn how to create a diet for arthritis and discover which 7 foods will ease your aching joints and help you lose weight, how much to eat, and the 3 foods that are making matters worse...
People who suffer from arthritis are familiar with the pains, cracks and pops define the condition. But small changes in your diet can yield big rewards in managing the disease.
“Food isn't a panacea, but some can make your joints healthier,†says Leslie Bonci, R.D., director of Sports Nutrition in the Department of Orthopedic Surgery at the University of Pittsburgh.
You may not be able to toss your Tylenol, but a diet rich in these foods can make you healthier and maybe lighter. After all, every pound you carry around your belly puts 10 pounds of pressure on your joints.
Here are 7 arthritis foods to stock up on...
Good food #1: Fatty fish (salmon, herring, sardines) or any other food with omega-3 fatty acids, such as walnuts, soy beans, flax seeds, canola oil and pumpkin seeds
Why it's a good arthritis food: Omega-3s decrease the production of chemicals that spread inflammation, plus they inhibit enzymes that trigger it – “a dual benefit,†Bonci says.
Fatty fish also contain vitamin D, which helps prevent swelling and soreness.
When the Women’s Health Study followed 30,000 women for 11 years, researchers found that those who got less than 200 international units (IU) – about 3 ounces of sardines – of vitamin D a day from their diet were 33% more likely to develop rheumatoid arthritis than women who got more.
How much to eat: Add at least one gram of omega-3s a day into your arthritis diet. Four ounces of salmon, for example, has 1.5 grams of omega-3.
Another easy healthy fix: Add walnuts (2.27 grams per quarter cup) to a salad or flaxseed (two tablespoons has 3.51 grams) to your cereal.
Boost your vitamin D intake by drinking two glasses of low-fat milk (200 IUs) on days you’re not eating omega-3s. And spend 10-15 minutes a day in the sun – sunlight triggers vitamin D production in your body.
Good food #2: Extra-virgin olive oil
Why it's a good arthritis food: Olive oil contains oleocanthal, which blocks enzymes involved in inflammation.
About 3 tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil acts like one-tenth of a dose of ibuprofen, according to a study at the Monnell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia. That may not be much, but small dietary changes add up.
“Since olive oil’s not calorie-free (one tablespoon has 119 calories), don’t douse your food with it,†Bonci warns.
How much to eat: One tablespoon a day on salads, bread or vegetables is a good amount for an optimal arthritis diet.
Good food #3: Sweet peppers, citrus fruits and other vitamin C-rich foods
Why it's a good arthritis food: Vitamin C protects collagen, a major component of cartilage. Inadequate amounts may increase your risk for some kinds of arthritis.
A Canadian study of 1,317 men found that those who got 1,500 milligrams of vitamin C through food or supplements daily had a 45% lower risk of gout (a painful condition also known as gouty arthritis) than those who consumed less than 250 milligrams a day.
But don’t shoot for such high doses if you have osteoarthritis. Duke University researchers found that animals who took high doses of vitamin C – the equivalent of 1,500-2,500 milligrams a day in humans – over eight months suffered worse knee osteoarthritis. So moderation is key.
How much to eat: Try for 200-500 milligrams a day. An orange and a cup of broccoli will net you about 200. And focus on foods, not supplements:
“Foods that are high in vitamin C have other plant nutrients that you won’t get from a vitamin C supplement,†Bonci says.
Broccoli and cauliflower, for instance, have a chemical – indole-3-carbinol – that may protect us from certain cancers, including breast cancer.
Good food #4: Brazil nuts
Why it's a good arthritis food: Brazil nuts contain huge amounts of selenium – 272 micrograms in just three or four nuts, compared to 63 micrograms in 3 ounces of tuna.
For example, a 2005 University of North Carolina study found that the participants with the highest levels of selenium had a 40% lower risk than those with the lowest levels.
Low selenium may also be linked to rheumatoid arthritis. The mineral helps antioxidants clear out cell-damaging free radicals, aids the regulation of the thyroid gland and may prevent cancer.
How much to eat: 55-200 micrograms a day. If you don’t like Brazil nuts or tuna, you can get 32-35 micrograms in 3.5 ounces of beef or turkey or 12 micrograms in a cup of cooked oatmeal.
Good food #5: Onions and leeks
Why it's a good arthritis food: Onions and leeks contain quercetin, an antioxidant that may inhibit inflammatory chemicals, much like aspirin and ibuprofen do. But research is limited, Bonci says.
Worried about onion breath? Boost your intake of kale, cherry tomatoes or apples – all are high in quercetin.
How much to eat: One-half cup of a high-quercetin food a day.
Good food #6: Tart cherries
Why it's a good arthritis food: “This wives’ tale now has science to back it up,†Bonci says.
A University of Michigan study suggests that a diet plump with tart cherries can cut inflammation in animals by 50%. And a 2009 study at Baylor Research Institute in Dallas found that 56% of patients with osteoarthritis had more than 20% improvement in pain and function after taking cherry pills for eight weeks.
The magic ingredient is anthocyanins, the pigments that give cherries – and grapes, black raspberries and eggplant – their vibrancy. They’re also powerful antioxidants that cut inflammation.
How much to eat: Half-cup of tart cherries – fresh, frozen, canned or dried – or 8 ounces of juice.
Good food #7: Green tea
Why it's a good arthritis food: Studies show that certain antioxidant compounds in the brew lessen the incidence and severity of arthritis.
One University of Michigan study found that epigallocatechin-3-gallate (EGCG) lowers production of inflammation-causing substances in the body that cause joint damage in arthritis sufferers.
How much to drink: 3-4 cups a day. Skip the decaffeinated version, which robs the tea of some of the helpful nutrients. “Green tea won’t take all your pain away,†Bonci says, but it can help.
Foods to Avoid
Bad food #1: Shellfish, red meat (only if you have gout)
Why they hurt: Gout results from the build-up of uric acid in the blood, which forms crystals that painfully settle in the joints.
Purine, a compound that’s abundant in shellfish, meats, high-fat dairy foods and beer, converts to uric acid. These foods are no-nos for people at risk for or suffering from gout: clams, oysters, mussels, anchovies, herring, mackerel, liver, brain, kidney and sweetbreads. (But is that last one really a hardship?)
Swap them for these great arthritis foods: No more than 5-6 ounces of lean meat, poultry or fish a day. Need protein? Serve up some beans instead; they offer muscle-relaxing magnesium and bone-building calcium.
Bad food #2: Sunflower, safflower, corn and soybean oils
Why they hurt: They're high in omega-6 fatty acids, which increase inflammation. Watch out: These oils are prevalent in U.S.-made baked goods and snacks.
Swap them for these great arthritis foods: Switch to healthy olive or nut oils.
Bad food #3: Sugar
Why it hurts: Some studies suggest that sugar may increase inflammation. Although it offers a quick energy boost, the high doesn’t last, which can be a drag for arthritis sufferers who already suffer from fatigue.
Sugar is also high in calories, which leads to weight gain and added pressure on your joints.
Swap it for this great arthritis food: An occasional sweet is fine, but most days enjoy the natural sweetness of fresh fruit instead. Aim for 2-4 half-cup servings a day.
Are You Bad to the Bone?
For years, you’ve been the first one on the tennis courts, the weekend hiker, the intrepid gardener on your knees for hours. All those activities are great for you, but they can also be hard on your joints. Find out how much you know with this osteoarthritis quiz.
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RECIPE:
Green Beans With Walnuts
Serves 8
Super yummy dish that can be prepared in advance and tossed with hot oil just before dinner is served. It's a veggie lover's delight. Go green tonight!
Ingredients
2 lb. fresh green beans, washed and trimmed
2 tbsp. butter
1 cup chopped walnuts
2 tbsp. walnut oil
2 tbsp. minced fresh parsley
Ground black pepper to taste
Salt to taste
Methods/steps
Place the walnuts on an ungreased baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 5 to 8 minutes. Cook beans in large pot of boiling salted water until just tender, about 5 minutes. Drain. Rinse beans with cold water, and drain well. Can be prepared 6 hours ahead. Let stand at room temperature. Melt butter or margarine with oil in heavy large skillet over high heat. Add beans and toss until heated through, about 4 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Add walnuts and parsley and toss. Transfer to bowl and serve.
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Seafood Creole
Ingredients:
3 tablespoons oil or bacon drippings
2 tablespoons flour
4 green onions with tops, chopped fine
1 clove garlic, minced
2 ribs celery, chopped fine
2 cans (16 ounces each) tomatoes
1 large bay leaf, crumbled
1 teaspoon each salt and thyme, or to taste
black pepper to taste
Tabasco sauce to taste
1/2 to 3/4 pound catfish fillets, cut crosswise in 1-inch strips
1/2 pound shrimp, shelled and cleaned
hot cooked rice
Preparation:
Heat oil in Dutch oven or stock pot. Add flour to hot oil and stir over medium heat until deep golden brown - do not burn. Add onions, garlic and celery and cook until onions and celery are tender, stirring occasionally. Add tomatoes, bay leaf, salt, thyme, pepper, and pepper sauce. Simmer uncovered, stirring occasionally, until thickened, about 20 to 25 minutes. Add fish and shrimp; cover and simmer about 5 to 7 minutes, or until shrimp and fish is done but not overcooked. Serve seafood Creole over hot cooked rice.
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Shrimp Creole
Ingredients:
3 to 4 lbs medium-size fresh shrimp, peeled, deveined
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
1 cup chopped celery
3/4 cup chopped green onions
1 large green pepper, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 can (14.5 ounces) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
1 can (6 oz) tomato paste
1 cup water
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon red pepper, ground
2 bay leaves
1 tablespoon lemon juice
2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
dash hot pepper sauce
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
hot cooked rice
Preparation:
Combine oil and flour in a Dutch oven; cook over medium heat, stirring, until mixture is golden colored. This should take about 15 to 20 minutes. Add onion, celery, green onions, green pepper, and garlic. Cook, stirring often, 15 minutes or more until vegetables are tender. Stir in tomatoes, tomato sauce and paste, the water, salt, black and red pepper, bay leaves, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, and hot sauce. Bring to a boil; cover and reduce heat. Simmer for 1 hour, stirring occasionally. Add shrimp and simmer for about 10 minutes more, or until the shrimp turn pink. Remove the bay leaves. Stir in parsley and serve over rice.
Serves 8.
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Scallops Creole with Rice
Ingredients:
1 can (approximately 15 ounces) stewed tomatoes
12 to 16 ounces sea scallops, fresh or frozen and thawed
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1/4 cup finely chopped green bell pepper
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup water
salt and pepper
hot cooked rice
Preparation:
In a medium saucepan combine stewed tomatoes, scallops, onion, and green pepper; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer for 5 minutes. Blend flour with water; stir until smooth. Add flour mixture to the hot tomato mixture and continue cooking until thickened, stirring constantly. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve on hot cooked rice.
Serves 4.
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Cedar-Planked Salmon on the Grill
Active Time: 30 Minutes
Total Time: 1 Hour 30 Minutes
Yield: Makes 6 servings
Simple is divine. This very old method of cooking fish celebrates the pure, clean taste of fresh salmon.
INGREDIENTS
1 whole salmon fillet, 18 inches long (about 2-1/2 pounds)
1 tablespoon lemon zest (zest of 1 lemon)
3 sprigs fresh dill, snipped
Salt and pepper
Lemon wedges
DIRECTIONS
Immerse an untreated, 20-inch cedar plank suitable for cooking use in water; soak at least 1 hour or up to 1 day. Place salmon fillet, skin side down, on soaked plank. Sprinkle with lemon zest, dill, salt, and pepper.
Place planked salmon in center of cooking grate. Grill 25 to 30 minutes or until salmon is opaque in center and flesh flakes easily with a fork. Garnish with lemon wedges.
NOTE:
Make sure the plank you choose is virgin cedar. Buy one specially made for food preparation, usually sold in cookware stores.
WINE RECOMMENDATION:
The absolute best way to celebrate the pure salmon flavors of this dish is with a crisp brut or extra dry Champagne.
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Chicken Parmesan Heroes
Chicken Parmesan Ingredients
To make my chicken Parmesan heroes (for a family of 4) you will need:
2 loaves of Italian bread
2 lbs. of chicken cutlets (breast meat fillets)
26 oz. of your favorite tomato sauce
16 oz. of mozzarella cheese
2 eggs
a dollop of milk
bread crumbs seasoned with Italian herbs and Parmesan for coating the chicken
olive oil - about an eighth of an inch to a quarter of an inch of olive oil depending on the thickness to fry the cutlets
Prepare the Chicken Cutlets
First you have to wash your chicken cutlets. Then you have to make a mixture of 2 eggs and a dollop of milk which you whisk so you can coat your chicken cutlets. Then coat the cutlets in a layer of Italian seasoned breadcrumbs. Cook on medium heat for about 10 minutes - 5 minutes on each side or until each side reaches that golden brown color.
Rest the cutlets on a plate with 2 paper towels – so the extra olive oil can be soaked into the paper.
Next, begin to heat your oven at 275 degrees. While the oven is pre-heating, heat your sauce briefly on the stove using low heat.
Arrange the Chicken Parmesan Cheese
Now take your fresh mozzarella and cut enough pieces to cover all of the hero sandwiches with the delicious cheese – at home you can be as generous as you like.
Arrange the Chicken Parmesan Sandwiches
I like to use bread baking pans or anything similar to cook the heroes in – this way they don't fall all over the place and it makes it easier to close them up when they come out of the oven. Lay the bread in the pan lengthwise, pour some tomato sauce across (not to much sauce but some to flavor the other side). Lay your cooked chicken cutlets on the bread. Pour some tomato sauce across and top with your cheese.
Bake the Chicken Parmesan Heroes
Cook in the oven for 10 minutes or until the cheese has melted and the bread is toasty. I really enjoy making these at home and I can't wait to eat these with my family
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Best Herbs to Use in Making a Dried Herb Wreath
Herb wreaths are beautiful, useful, and easy to make. Sometimes, the most difficult part of making an herb wreath is deciding which herbs to include. Fortunately, there is no wrong answer. Any herb that can be dried can be added to an herb wreath. Herb wreaths can include anything from sage and yarrow to chilies and garlic. Choosing herbs for an herb wreath is often a matter of personal preference, but if you want to make an herb wreath that is as useful as it is attractive, there are a few herbs that stand out from the rest.
Rosemary
Rosemary is one of the most commonly used herbs when making herb wreaths. It has a pine like scent and the evergreen type leaves keep their color longer than most herbs. This makes it perfect for the base of an herb wreath. Rosemary is also as useful as it is attractive. It is used in a variety of dishes, from beef and chicken to the lightest tasting fish. It is also easy to grow, so you'll be sure to have enough of it, no matter how many wreaths you plan to make.
Lavender
Lavender is often used in herb wreaths as a source of color and fragrance. The pretty purple color works well with evergreens such as pine and rosemary and the lavender scent is lovely and warm. Lavender is also fairly useful. A few sprigs placed under the pillowcase at night can relax you into a deep and restful sleep. This is especially helpful when the winter chill gives your little one the sniffles. A little lavender can soothe them to sleep without the use of medicines or drugs.
Sage
Sage is often chosen for these wreaths because its big woody leaves dry easily and add smooth texture to the appearance of the wreath. Sage is also very useful in the kitchen. It adds a wonderful flavor and aroma to soups, stews, and roasts. A few leaves of sage clipped from the herb wreath can easily improve a meal.
Oregano
Oregano is another extraordinarily versatile herb. It is easy to dry and looks great on any herb wreath. The fragrance of the herb is light, so it won't overpower the rest of the herb wreath, but still strong enough to add real flavor to any dish. Often used in pasta sauces and soups, oregano is an herbal favorite.
Mint
Mint makes a great addition to herb wreaths, especially since mint is so commonly associated with the holidays. Snip a few sprigs of mint from your herb wreath to add to hot tea for a soothing bedtime drink or just let the minty fragrance decorate your home.
These are just a few of the herbs you can use when making your herb wreath. Other popular herbs include thyme, parsley, lemongrass, basil, lemon balm, and marjoram. Whether you choose to make your wreaths with a single herb or add as many as you can find, herb wreaths are a beautiful way to make use of your herb garden. Hang the herb wreath in your kitchen for easy access to your favorite herbs or on the front door to celebrate the holiday season. You can even make multiple wreaths and give them as gifts. Your friends, family, and coworkers will appreciate having something handmade and will be sure to get plenty of use from the herbs you use to make them.
Published At: Isnare.com Free Articles Directory - http://www.isnare.com
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the men settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your real name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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SMOKIN'
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
GERT: Holy smoke, What's that?
MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
GERT: Where did you get it?
MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Gert hobbles into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, almost 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Gert answers, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected, all incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness's. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada .. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14.Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25.Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
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Birds and Bees
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
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A woman goes to her doctor and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens".
So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"
And the docter replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens".
So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"
The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
September Eleven's Clash of Civilizations Today we remember with great sadness and again extend our sincere and heart-felt condolences to all who lost loved ones on this tragic day in 2001. We also ask and answer the question as to why did this happen on September 11? There is a real reason….
A friend, a former professor from the University of Queensland in Brisbane Australia, was telling me how, back in the 1970s when Communism was the greatest threat to world peace, she heard a speaker who predicted that it wasn't Communism we needed to fear for the future but Islam. Who would have ever believed that radical claim back then? Some time ago Chuck Colson in his daily BreakPoint wrote, "In the mid-1990s Harvard professor Samuel Huntington predicted that the twenty-first century would see a great clash of civilizations between Islam and the West. Nobody paid much attention. After all, we had just defeated communism. There was peace in the world. All was well. "Then came September 11, when we awoke to the fact that there are people out there who want to destroy us—not just defeat us, but annihilate us."1 For radical Muslims their only worldview is convert to Islam or die. The numerous suicide bombers ought to wake us up to this fact. They are all too willing to die for their cause. Can we in the West negotiate with such radicals? The reality is that we can't negotiate with terrorists any more than we could negotiate with Hitler or Stalin. Their goal was to conquer the world. It didn't matter one iota how many people they killed to achieve their goal of world domination. To them, the end always justified the means. That, too, is the goal and philosophy of radical Muslims. However, today's struggle goes far beyond that of Nazism and Communism of the 20th Century. Today we are not so much in a war against terrorism as we are, as Chuck Colson put it, in a clash of civilizations. Terrorism is just a means to an end. For instance, "The history of Islamic hostility toward the West goes back centuries. Radical Muslims are still smarting over the defeat of their armies south of Paris in the year 732, not to mention the catastrophic defeat of the Ottoman Empire at the gates of Vienna on September 11, 1683. That's right, September 11. Bin Laden chose his date for a reason. He was avenging the defeat of Muslim armies more than four hundred years earlier. September 11 has roots in an [ongoing long-term] irrational hatred of the West."2
Today, September 11, is a graphic reminder that we are indeed in a clash of civilizations. The politicians and political pundits don't have the answer. The United Nations doesn't have the answer. The media doesn't have the answer. Sadly much, though not all, of Western Christendom, which has become wishy-washy, doesn't have the answer either. And as much as I appreciate the military powers of the West that we desperately need to protect us, they don't have the answer either. True, we need to pray for our leaders and our military that God will direct and guide them, but we need more than these for our protection. Why do I claim this? Because we need to realize that long before Bin Laden and radical Islam the world has been in a clash of "civilizations" from the beginning of time—the clash between the world of evil and the world of good—a clash that seems to be heating up. So wherein is the answer? What can we do? How can we win against suicide bombers—those who "hide in darkness" and are willing to die for their cause? First, we in the West need to wake up and smell the "gun powder" and face reality. The radical Muslims are coming. They're growing. They are on the increase around the world. We're in a life-and-death struggle against the forces of evil. Second, we in the West who claim to be Christian need to get serious and be willing to live for, be genuinely committed to, and practice our faith. If we don't, we may die because those who are willing to die for their faith are intent on killing us. Third, because we are in a battle between good and evil, the bottom line is that we in the West desperately need a great spiritual awakening. And that needs to start with you and me. And fourth, be sure to note who of late has wanted God removed from their political platform. The reality is that the farther we move away from God, the more we move ourselves away from God's protection.
As God's word reminds us, "Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse [and military might] is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save."3 Suggested prayer, "Dear God, as King David prayed, 'we wait in hope for the LORD; [you are] our help and our shield. In our hearts rejoice, for we trust in holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.'4 Please send a great spiritual awakening to our land and let your work begin in me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen." 1. Chuck Colson, BreakPoint, August 16, 2006.
2. Ibid.
3. Psalm 33:12, 16-17 (NIV).
4. Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV).
Tags: Sept 11, religious
REMINDER FROM GOD:
One Step at a Time
"Precept upon precept; line upon line."1
Before I wrote a book, the task seemed impossible. "No way," I said to myself, "that I could ever write a book." A friend suggested I tackle it just one page at a time.
"Good idea," I thought and that's exactly what I did. Several years ago I wrote 365 daily devotionals hoping to get them published in a book—but little did I know that I would end up using these to get Daily Encounter started back in 1998 with just a handful of subscribers. I also wrote these messages just one at a time. And that's how I still write Daily Encounter—just one at a time!
Are you facing a daunting task, a major responsibility, or just need to clean your garage. If it's the latter, start in one corner and work your way around it in a clockwise pattern picking up one thing at a time and either store it in its proper place, put it in a pile to be given away, or throw it away.
Treat cleaning your house the same way, systematically tidying one room at a time. As you see one corner and then one room tidied, each of these successes will help keep you motivated. Just don't jump all over the place or discouragement will quickly dampen your enthusiasm. Apply the same principle to any task you have to face. Do it one step at a time—one day at a time. As the old saying goes, "Inch by inch anything's a cinch" to which a friend added, "but yard by yard it's miles too hard."
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to take care of today's responsibilities one thing at a time and quit worrying about what I need to do tomorrow. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Isaiah 28:10.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
aborning
audio pronunciation
uh-BOR-ning
DEFINITION
adverb
: while being born or produced
EXAMPLES
The bill was introduced in the Senate last year, but it died aborning.
"We've all put aside the social task that we wanted to take the time to do well, postponed the email that should be long and full, only to realize we never did it at all. The dashed-off note that gets sent is preferable to the heartfelt missive that dies aborning." — From Emily Yoffe's Dear Prudence column on Slate.com, May 3, 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
"Aborning" is a native of U.S. soil; its arrival is marked in the early 20th century dialect of the rural South, and it quickly found its way to the crowded cities and towns of the industrial north. (We don't know exactly when it was conceived, but it came to the attention of the editors at Merriam-Webster in 1916.) "Aborning" combines the prefix "a-," meaning "in the process of," and "borning," a dialectal word meaning "birth." "Borning" itself is simply the gerund, or noun form, of the verb "born," a term that was used by, among others, William Faulkner: "The talk ... went here and there about the town, dying and borning again like a wind or a fire" (Light in August, 1932).
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5 Steps That Reveal Your Life's Purpose
Like many of us, you might feel that there's a true purpose to your life but you haven't yet found or discovered it, especially when trapped within a life that's unfulfilling or feels out of synch with your true purpose for being. Teachings of Eastern mystics say each of us have a particular purpose in life, though we might not know how to recognize it. Interestingly, some new research suggests ways to discover and pursue your true purpose. Moreover, having a purpose in life is found to help you protect yourself from mental decline -- not a bad byproduct.
Some are awakened to it from an event or moment of illumination that opens the way. A recent example: Adam Steltzner, the NASA scientist who headed the team that designed and carried out the successful landing of the Mars rover, Curiosity. In an NPR interview Steltzner spoke of having played in a rock band after high school rather than going to college. While waiting for stardom, his friends went to college and on with their lives. On his way home from a gig one night he looked up and was suddenly fascinated with the stars, especially the constellation Orion.
"The fact that it was in a different place in the sky at night when I returned home from playing a gig ... That was it ... I was totally turned on by this idea of understanding my world," he said. He had to know all about the laws that govern the universe. Seltzner enrolled in a physics course, and over the next several years earned a Ph.D., which led to where he is today.
Most of us, though, have to work at discovering our purpose. Too often it's clouded over by our conditioning and adapting to life experiences and choices -- from family and culture to our educational and career paths and our relationships. We're so enraptured with our outer life -- or absorbed by it -- that awareness of our true purpose dims to just a flicker. Consequently, many go through life feeling off-track, out of tune in some way. That creates major stress over time, and new research finds that such stress will increase your risk of death from all sources.
Here are five steps that can help activate your life's purpose:
1. Back Off and Tune Inward
The 12th-century Japanese poet Hakuin wrote, "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." Your purpose might be right in front of your eyes but you don't see it, like looking for your missing keys when they're right in front of you. Try backing off to a larger perspective, outside yourself. That can help you look inward more clearly. By tuning your focus inward rather than seeking your purpose from something new "out there," you're more likely to discover an inclination or leaning that's always been inside you.
That shift of perspective helps you to let go of the self-interest so prominent in our lives -- what we're always trying to get or control -- and that clears the way to reflect on your current life path with honesty. Does it feel in synch or clash with your inner life, your true self that lies beneath all that you've been conditioned to think, value, go after or believe in?
Further, ask yourself if your life serves something of value in itself, beyond what you hope to "get" from it, by way of "return." Are your energies in the service of creating something useful and good, per se? Or in the service seeking to capture a big "market share" from it? Actually, in business, the former aim tends to be more successful.
Two research studies suggest ways to give you the mental "space" to do the necessary self-reflection for this. One found that volunteer activity -- giving your time away (which also pulls you out of self-interest) -- creates a sense of "time affluence." It gives you an internal sense of having more time, rather than less.
Also, research finds that moments of "awe," experiences that lift you out of yourself and your everyday concerns, bring you more into the present moment, slow down your sense of time and increase your focus and calm. This provides greater opportunity to listen to your internal voice.
2. Learn From Your Choices and Their Consequences
Examine what the "successes" or "failures" over the course of your life tell you about where you've been in harmony with yourself or not. Your life experiences are lessons that can teach you what you've been trying to express or manifest through your outer life, and where parts of the latter may be an incorrect vehicle. The latter is often the meaning behind our life problems and frustrations. Brain research shows that reflecting on yourself generates more motivation and effective planning for the future. This not only helps you learn the meaning of your life experiences, but also supports you in letting go of a path that you realize isn't in synch with your true purpose.
3. Get on the Path
When you feel pulled towards some purpose more in synch with yourself, go after it with strong intent, whether it's something material or spiritual. There are different ways of life that fulfill one's purpose, for different people. But look for the feedback your actions provide. Over time, you'll learn from the feedback if it's the true path for you or not.
4. Stretch Yourself
Create momentum towards your emerging sense of purpose by pushing yourself to stretch toward it. Create a vision of what it would look like. Imagine it's like a powerful magnet that keeps pulling you along a path towards it. Identify what you can do each day that brings you closer. Having a vision has a powerful effect upon your consciousness, and leads to increased happiness with life. Trust what your heart tells you, especially when your mind tells you otherwise ("no, you can't go there; you can't do it; you won't be able to learn how").
5. Pursue It With Love
When going after your life purpose, think of yourself as the lover who simply gives love for its own sake and without regard for getting something in return, without asking to be loved back or seeking a "return on investment." Rather, pursue your purpose with love and sense of service to it, itself. The Sufi mystic Hazrat Inayat Khan, who brought his spiritual teachings of "Universal Sufism" to the West in the early 1900s, described this: "Once you have linked yourself with love, a flood of inspiration is revealed to you, whatever the subject, whatever the problem in life may be. Whatever it be that your eye casts its glance upon, it will disclose itself. Then you are on the real road, and what a joy this is!"
And, he emphasized, "As by the opening of the eyes you can see things, so by the opening of the heart you can understand things. As long as the heart is closed you cannot understand things. The secret is that when the ears and eyes of the heart are open, all planes of the world are open, all names are open, all secrets, all mysteries are unfolded."
The more you infuse your thoughts, emotions and behavior with life-affirming energy -- love, kindness, compassion, generosity, justice -- you keep your self-interest at bay, and you're more able to find and achieve your true purpose.
Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., a business psychologist and psychotherapist, is director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, D.C
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RECIPE:
Grilled Pizza Wraps
"Super fast, delicious, very easy! Tortillas filled with your favorite pizza toppings, and fried like quesadillas. Great for appetizers, or as a meal!"
Prep Time: 10 Min
Cook Time: 20 Min
Ready In: 30 Min
Yield 8 servings
Ingredients
2 tablespoons margarine, softened
8 (10 inch) flour tortillas
1 (16 ounce) package shredded Cheddar-Monterey Jack cheese blend
1/2 cup pizza sauce
4 ounces sliced pepperoni
Directions
Heat a large skillet over medium-low heat. Spread margarine over one side of a tortilla, and place it margarine-side down in the skillet. Spoon a tablespoon of pizza sauce onto half of the tortilla. Sprinkle 1/2 cup of shredded cheese over the sauce, and top with a few slices of pepperoni. Fold the clean half of the tortilla over the filling, and cook until golden on each side. Repeat with remaining tortillas.
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Greek Baked Pasta
Active Time: 25 Minutes
Total Time: 45 Minutes
Yield: 6
The moist and fragrant casserole pastitsio combines béchamel (a sauce of butter, flour and milk), pasta, ground lamb, tomato sauce, cheese, cinnamon and nutmeg. Instead of béchamel, Grace Parisi stirs a ricotta mixture into the pasta before baking it.
INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 1/2 pounds lean ground lamb
1 onion finely chopped
1 teaspoon dried oregano crumbled
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
ground cloves
salt and freshly ground pepper
3 cups jarred marinara sauce
1 pound ziti or penne
3 cups fresh ricotta (1 1/2 pounds)
4 large egg yolks
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3/4 cup freshly grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese
DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 350°. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. In a large saucepan, heat the olive oil until shimmering. Add the lamb, onion, oregano, cinnamon, cloves and a generous pinch each of salt and pepper. Cook over high heat, stirring frequently, until the lamb is no longer pink and any liquid has evaporated, about 8 minutes. Add the marinara sauce and bring to a boil. Boil over high heat, stirring occasionally, until the sauce has reduced slightly, about 5 minutes.
Cook the pasta until barely al dente; drain and return to the pot. Meanwhile, in a blender, blend 2 cups of the ricotta with the yolks, nutmeg and 1/2 cup of the Parmigiano-Reggiano until smooth. Season with salt and pepper. Pulse in the remaining ricotta.
Add the lamb ragù to the pasta and toss. Transfer the pasta to a 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Pour the ricotta mixture on top and sprinkle with the remaining 1/4 cup of Parmigiano-Reggiano. Bake in the center of the oven for about 20 minutes, until heated through. Turn the broiler on and broil until the top is golden brown. Let stand for a few minutes before serving.
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Crunchy Orange Chicken Salad
This gourmet salad has a sweet and creamy dressing and the crunchy flavors of almonds and celery. For summertime lunch party or just a light dinner, serve this delicious salad with whole wheat rolls and fresh ice tea.
Serves: 6
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 8 minutes /refrigerate 2 hours
2 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt, (optional)
2/3 cup (5 fl.-oz can) NESTLÉ ® Carnation ® Evaporated Milk
1/3 cup orange juice
1 large egg, well beaten
3 cup cooked boneless skinless chicken breast meat, chopped
3 stalk celery, thinly sliced
3/4 cup sliced almonds, toasted
2 tablespoon sliced green onion
1 can (11-oz.) mandarin oranges, drained
1/2 head lettuce leaves, (optional)
DIRECTIONS:
COMBINE sugar, flour and salt in medium, heavy-duty saucepan; gradually stir in evaporated milk, orange juice and egg. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until dressing just comes to a boil and begins to thicken. Remove from heat. Cover; refrigerate until cool.
COMBINE chicken, celery, nuts, dressing and green onion in large bowl. Gently stir in oranges. Cover; refrigerate for 2 hours. Serve over lettuce.
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Cookie Stackers
Cake Batter Cookie Stackers
Take sugar cookies to a whole new level of delicious! Kids and adults will love these cake batter flavored cookies with colorful frosting, and lots of sprinkles! Stack ‘em up and watch ‘em go.
PREP TIME 30 Min
TOTAL TIME 1 Hr 15 Min
SERVINGS 18
Cookies
1 pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty Crocker® sugar cookie mix
1/2 cup Betty Crocker® SuperMoist® yellow cake mix (dry mix from box)
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 egg
1/2 cup Betty Crocker® SuperMoist® yellow cake mix (dry mix from box)
Frosting
2 cups powdered sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 to 2 tablespoons milk
Liquid food colors (neon pink, neon blue, neon green, classic yellow and red to make orange)
Assorted Betty Crocker® colored sprinkles
1 Heat oven to 375°F. In medium bowl, stir sugar cookie mix, 1/2 cup dry cake mix, 1/2 cup butter and the egg until soft dough forms.
2 In small bowl, place remaining 1/2 cup dry cake mix. Shape dough into 36 (1-inch) balls. Roll balls in dry cake mix, coating completely. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
3 Bake 7 to 9 minutes or just until cookies are set. (Watch closely to prevent cookies from getting too crispy and overbaked.) Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 15 minutes.
4 In medium bowl, beat powdered sugar, 1/3 cup butter and vanilla with electric mixer on medium speed until blended. Beat in 1 tablespoon milk to make frosting smooth and spreadable. If frosting is too thick, beat in more milk, a few drops at a time. If frosting becomes too thin, beat in a small amount of powdered sugar. Divide frosting among 4 small bowls, about 1/4 cup each. Add food color to tiint frosting in each bowl.
5 For each sandwich cookie, spread 1 rounded teaspoon frosting on bottom of 1 cooled cookie. Top with second cookie, bottom side down; gently press cookies together. Roll sides of sandwich cookie in sprinkles.
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Classic Potatoes Au Gratin
This recipe is spot on with classic au gratin potatos! Super easy to make and came out great! I added 1/2 cup more of cheddar and added 3 oz of velveeta
time
prep: 20 min
total: 1 hr 40 min
servings
total: 8 servings
What You Need
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine
1/4 cup flour
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. dry mustard
1/4 tsp. pepper
2-1/2 cups milk
1 pkg. (8 oz.) KRAFT Shredded Cheddar Cheese, divided
2 Tbsp. chopped onion
6 cups thinly sliced peeled potatoes (about 6 to 8 medium)
Make It
PREHEAT oven to 350°F. Melt butter in medium saucepan on medium heat. Blend in flour, salt, mustard and pepper. Gradually add milk, stirring until well blended; cook until thickened, stirring constantly.
ADD 1-1/2 cups of the cheese and the onion; cook until cheese is melted, stirring frequently. Layer potatoes and cheese sauce alternately in 2-quart casserole dish, ending with a layer of the cheese sauce.
BAKE 1 hour 15 minutes or until potatoes are tender. Sprinkle with the remaining cheese. Bake an additional 5 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Kraft Kitchens Tips
Size-Wise
Enjoy a serving of this classic side dish as part of a special-occasion meal.
Substitute
Prepare as directed, using KRAFT Shredded Swiss Cheese.
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Chocolate Stuffed Strawberries
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 15 minutes
Ingredients:
1 cup cocoa
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup hot water
1 cup Xagave (a natural sugar substitute)
2 tablespoons powdered milk, optional*
1 - 2 tablespoons Ultra Gel (a food thickener), optional*
----
large strawberries
Preparation:
First make the Xagave Chocolate Syrup:
Mix the cocoa, vanilla and hot water with electric beater until smooth. Add Xagave and blend.
* For a thicker chocolate syrup, blend in the optional powdered milk and Ultra Gel.
For the Chocolate Stuffed Strawberries:
Remove stems to create a hole in the strawberry. Fill the strawberry with Xagave Chocolate Syrup.
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JOKES:
AS I AGE
undefinedWhen I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn't hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose They're sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, But here on the inside, I'm still the same old me, But on the outside I'm not what I used to be.
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I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
A foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-all-in-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have had a great life.
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SENIOR FUN AND GAMES
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
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DR. SUESS
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before its June.
My goodness how the time has flown.
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
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THE JOYS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
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PONDERINGS
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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SIGNS OF WEAR
You may be getting older:
When your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
When "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
When an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Our Daily Devotional:
Wild Horses
Psalm 51:17, NIV: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Wild horses are things of beauty to behold. But beautiful as they are, they transform to become so much more only after they have been broken. And they cannot serve us, until conditioned to do so. The same can be said for us. Left alone, we are wildly selfish creatures. If we are ever to transform to become beautiful, and fully devoted servants of God, we must first be broken. That very idea rubs hard against the selfish flesh within us. Our flesh desires never to be broken--only to be left alone to be a servant only to ourselves. But, unlike domesticated horses, we have some choice in the matter. We can choose to submit to the will of God, place ourselves under His authority, and yes, even be broken as necessary. And in so doing, we will discover glories we could never reach on our own.
And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
- Matthew 3:2
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
wend
audio pronunciation
WEND
DEFINITION
verb
: to direct one's course : travel, proceed
EXAMPLES
The hikers wended through the forest's trails.
"Improvements in wastewater treatment and conservation upgraded the water quality of the river, which wends its way nearly 500 miles from its origin in the Appalachian Plateau to Point Lookout, Maryland, where it empties into the Chesapeake Bay." — From an article by John Pekkanen in The Washingtonian, July 2012
DID YOU KNOW?
"Wend" is related to the verb "wind," which means, among other things, "to follow a series of curves and turns." It is also a distant relative of the verb "wander." "Wend" itself began its journey in Old English as "windan," meaning "to twist." "Wend" has twisted itself into various meanings over the years. Most of its senses—including "to come about," "to depart," "to change," and "to betake"—have since wandered off into obscurity, but its current sense of "to direct or to proceed" is holding steady on the path.
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Life With A Pet Bird
Teach your parrot the living skills it needs for a life in your home, such as eating a healthy diet and playing with toys independently.
By Pamela Clark, CVT, CPBC
This is an article about the journey you and your pet bird will take, and the ways you can best help it prepare for that experience.
Cockatiels often live to be 25 years old. Amazon parrots can live to be 80 years or older. I know of one blue-and-gold macaw that lived over the age of 100. Such a long life requires preparation when young.
Amazon Parrot
By Gina Cioli/BowTie/Courtesy Omar's Exotic Birds
Teach your pet bird the skills it will need to live and thrive in your home.
Adopting a young parrot is delightful fun. The day he comes home is full of promise. But a young parrot has an empty suitcase for this journey. You must help him pack that suitcase with all the living skills he will need for a long, happy life.
It’s important to enjoy every minute with him ,and it’s even more important to step into the role of teacher and offer the gentle encouragement and positive reinforcement that will help him learn to keep busy and happy, and prevent future behavior problems.
Use Positive Reinforcement With Your Parrots
Packing a young parrot’s suitcase with good behaviors is easy. Your pet bird has a natural desire to learn and a strong drive to explore his environment. Provide the raw materials that will stimulate his curiosity and then use plenty of positive reinforcement to guide him as he learns. He will take care of the rest!
He will behave in many different ways as he explores and learns about his environment. Sometimes he will be loud. Sometimes he will be quiet, as he attempts to solve a puzzle toy. He might be shy and dependent, wanting to be on your shoulder. At times, he will be more independent, playing with something in his cage.
Always, he will look for feedback. He wants to learn how he can best get your attention and any other rewards you might have to share. He needs consistent guidance.
Lots of positive reinforcement, offered for desirable behavior, produces the best results. By teaching your parrot what you want him to do, you prevent him from learning the things you would rather he not do. If you want to see a behavior increase, you must provide some type of immediate reward — positive reinforcement that tells him “Yes! That was good. Do that more often.â€
Discover Your Parrot's Favorite Things
What should you use to reward (reinforce) good behavior? Observe his choices. Does he love nuts? Does he love best having his head scratched? Does he always play with a particular foot toy? Discover what is most important to him and then use that to reward his desirable behavior. Realize also that what he loves now may change as he grows older.
Next, make a list of behaviors that he will need to be a happy, healthy adult parrot. Think of these as living skills. The more living skills a parrot has, the happier he will be and the more fun you will have with him.
The whole family can sit down and decide what to put on your pet bird’s training list for the first year. Do you want your pet bird to learn to climb a ladder? Do you want it to fly to your hand, if his wing feathers aren’t trimmed? Anything is possible. Remember, it is a smart and resourceful young parrot.
Living Skills To Teach Your Parrot
Teach your parrot to:
Eat a healthy diet.
Enjoy a regular shower/bath.
Keep busy with foraging opportunities, puzzles and destroy toys.
Step up when asked.
Go easily back into his cage.
Stay put on his play gym.
Go to all members of the family.
Go into a carrier.
Ride happily in the car.
Allow restraint in a towel.
Build A Stimulating Environment For Your Parrot
Once your list is made, create an environment that fosters learning. He needs to be able to make lots of choices in a stimulating environment full of enrichment.
Provide the largest cage you can. The larger the cage, the more choices he can have, in terms of perches and toys. He also needs plenty of alternate perches, located throughout the house. Try placing a perch in every room, so that he can be with you as you move about. Perches that hang from the ceiling, desktop perches and free-standing playgyms are all good choices. The more variety you provide, the more variety he will learn to enjoy.
Offer a varied and healthful diet. Create a landscape of healthy choices for him. If he came home to you eating a seed-only diet, teach him to also eat a good-quality pelleted diet and a variety of fresh foods. Getting him on a good diet now ensures good health later.
Examine each item on his learning list and make sure that he has the raw materials he needs for that behavior. For bathing, he needs a stable, nonslip shower perch. For learning to keep busy, he needs independent time, abundant opportunities for foraging and plenty of destroy toys. If you want him to stay put on his playgym, he needs lots to do while he is there.
Getting Started
Once you create a stimulating environment, make your list of living skills and any other behaviors you want to teach, and know what to use for positive reinforcement, you are ready to begin!
As you work to guide him and teach new behaviors, take your cues from him. Observe his body language when he interacts with you. Each young parrot has a different “personality,†dictated both by genetics as well as his earliest experiences with the breeder or pet store. Is he bold or is he shy? Does he appear confident or does he seem afraid when you ask him to step up? Do not rush a shy, young parrot into interacting in ways that aren’t comfortable for him.
To start out, work to catch him in the act of being good. Get into the habit of watching for any desirable behavior he might offer. If he tries to bathe in his water dish, plays with a toy or eats his pellets, reward him. Keep an eye out for anything he does that you want to see again. Reinforce him immediately for that, either with praise, social attention or a small food treat. Ignore any undesirable behaviors, such as loud vocalizations. If a behavior gets no attention, it is less likely to occur again. Remember, he’s always looking to you for feedback!
Teach Independence To Your Parrot
Teach your young parrot to be independent. This is one of your most important goals in the first year or two. While it may be cute now that he wants all of your attention, this won’t be desirable later on. Don’t allow him on your shoulder for any longer than a few minutes. A young parrot sitting on your shoulder is only learning dependence; he is not learning anything else. Instead, encourage him to perch near you and provide him with an interesting activity while he is there. That way, learns to entertain himself while you are busy with your own activities. He becomes more resourceful and is a more interesting companion as he matures.
Remembering conditions in the wild can offer important guidance to us as we raise a young parrot. After fledging, he is encouraged to join the flock and develop greater independence. He spends much less time at that point being physically close to his parents. Replicating this phase of his learning in captivity reaps huge rewards later on.
Stepping Up
Next, teach him to step confidently onto your hand when you ask. The conditions surrounding this request and his compliance sets the stage for all of your other interactions. Do not ever force or insist that he do so. Now is the time to develop that necessary bond of trust. Stepping up must be a choice for him — and it is up to you to structure this interaction in such a way that he makes the correct choice!
He might already know how to do this. If so, make sure that good things happen for him every time he complies. Keep a variety of small food treats in your pocket, such as small pieces of nuts or sunflower seeds, so that you can offer him a treat or social reward immediately after he gets on your hand. Let him eat this before you walk with him. Some young parrots are too clumsy to eat a treat and perch on a moving hand at the same time.
Provide a steady hand for him to step onto and keep that hand still until he is perched securely on it before you start to walk. This helps to prevent any falls that might create fear or make him less likely to step up next time. Keep providing him with a reward for this behavior even after he learns it well.
Some young parrots are not given regular perching opportunities before going home, nor do they receive many opportunities to step onto a hand. Some have even learned already that stepping up brings scary consequences. Thus, they can be awkward, uncertain or even afraid when asked to step up. If this is the case, you need to proceed slowly. Insisting that a parrot steps up when he is reluctant or afraid to do so will only backfire later, because it breaks down the trust between you.
Start by making sure that he will take a food treat from your hand without appearing afraid. You might have to start out teaching this behavior. Once he takes a treat from your hand, encourage him to come closer and closer to your step-up hand to get the treat. Gradually encourage him to get onto your hand for the treat. If he seems uncertain, then put him right back down as soon as he has stepped up and taken the treat. Practice just this a few times a day before you start to take him around the house with you. Proceed slowly, giving him plenty of time to learn that this behavior brings good things.
Teaching this simple behavior well gives you a good start toward building a reciprocal relationship based upon trust rather than domination. If you do so, you will find that you soon have a young parrot that steps confidently and happily onto your hand from any perch from any height.
Once he’s mastered this behavior, start teaching the other behaviors on your list.
Returning Your Parrot To The Cage
This may present no challenge for your young parrot. However, given the number of older parrots who resist when asked to return to their cages, I know that something breaks down along the way in relation to this behavior. Teach and maintain this important skill from the very beginning.
People sometimes engage in mythological thinking regarding pet bird behavior, which makes us less effective. For example, we tend to believe that a parrot should perform a behavior simply because we want him to. In reality, parrots and all animals offer us behaviors that will earn them the things they want.
Given that, when we ask a parrot to perform a behavior that might be more difficult, such as returning to his cage where freedom of movement is more restricted, we should offer a reinforcer equal to the difficulty of the task. If you provide a sunflower seed for stepping up, you might offer an almond or walnut half for going back into the cage. Do this, even if he offers you no resistance now.
Staying Put On His Parrot Playgym
It is always easier to prevent problems than to correct them later. Many caregivers complain that their older parrot won’t stay put, but instead climbs down and walks around the house damaging possessions or chasing younger family members along the way.
If you want him to stay on his playgym, make sure that it offers him plenty to do. If it’s not an interesting place to be, he won’t want to stay there. Purchase a playgym that offers many places to hang toys and place food dishes. Then, furnish it with foraging opportunities and things he’s interested in chewing. In addition, while he is perched there, frequently praise him and occasionally go over to offer a small treat. He will soon learn that remaining on his gym brings him lots of good things, and he will not be tempted to go wandering.
Parrot Bathtime
Now is the time to teach him that bathing is fun — or at least tolerable. Individual pet birds differ in how readily they take to this behavior. Some love it the very first time. Others hang back, afraid of the water. Don’t be discouraged if your pet bird seems afraid the first time you try this. Remember — it’s a skill he needs to have for good psychological and physical health.
Decide whether you want to bathe him; in the shower, with a spray bottle, or some parrots prefer a shallow dish of water. Once you’ve chosen your method, proceed gradually if he seems uncertain. If you take him into the shower, begin by just letting him perch in the bathroom as he listens to the sound of the water. After he is used to this, he can sit on a shower perch just outside the water’s spray. Finally, you can coax him to allow a brief spray onto his feathers, gradually building up to a complete shower at least once or twice a week.
If using a spray bottle, begin by spraying once up into the air over his perch so that the mist settles down gradually over him. If he reacts, walk away then come back a few minutes later with a second misting. As he learns that this doesn’t hurt, gradually increase the length of his bath.
A Lifetime of Learning
Once these foundational behaviors are in place, decide what to teach next. Set aside a few minutes each day to continue his education. Doing this sets him up for a lifetime of happiness and health, while maintaining a strong bond of trust between you. Your young parrot has infinite learning potential and will thrive if provided with regular opportunities. He will maintain his interest in life and you will maintain your interest in him. A parrot with good living skills is a joy to have around.
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RECIPE:
Chicken Parmesan Heroes
Chicken Parmesan Ingredients
To make my chicken Parmesan heroes (for a family of 4) you will need:
2 loaves of Italian bread
2 lbs. of chicken cutlets (breast meat fillets)
26 oz. of your favorite tomato sauce
16 oz. of mozzarella cheese
2 eggs
a dollop of milk
bread crumbs seasoned with Italian herbs and Parmesan for coating the chicken
olive oil - about an eighth of an inch to a quarter of an inch of olive oil depending on the thickness to fry the cutlets
Prepare the Chicken Cutlets
First you have to wash your chicken cutlets. Then you have to make a mixture of 2 eggs and a dollop of milk which you whisk so you can coat your chicken cutlets. Then coat the cutlets in a layer of Italian seasoned breadcrumbs. Cook on medium heat for about 10 minutes - 5 minutes on each side or until each side reaches that golden brown color.
Rest the cutlets on a plate with 2 paper towels – so the extra olive oil can be soaked into the paper.
Next, begin to heat your oven at 275 degrees. While the oven is pre-heating, heat your sauce briefly on the stove using low heat.
Arrange the Chicken Parmesan Cheese
Now take your fresh mozzarella and cut enough pieces to cover all of the hero sandwiches with the delicious cheese – at home you can be as generous as you like.
Arrange the Chicken Parmesan Sandwiches
I like to use bread baking pans or anything similar to cook the heroes in – this way they don't fall all over the place and it makes it easier to close them up when they come out of the oven. Lay the bread in the pan lengthwise, pour some tomato sauce across (not to much sauce but some to flavor the other side). Lay your cooked chicken cutlets on the bread. Pour some tomato sauce across and top with your cheese.
Bake the Chicken Parmesan Heroes
Cook in the oven for 10 minutes or until the cheese has melted and the bread is toasty. I really enjoy making these at home and I can't wait to eat these with my family
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Cake and Ice Cream Shots
PREP TIME 20 Min
TOTAL TIME 1 Hr 40 Min
SERVINGS 24
1 box Betty Crocker® SuperMoist® yellow cake mix
Water, vegetable oil and eggs called for on cake mix box
1 quart (4 cups) strawberry ice cream
24 creme-filled chocolate sandwich cookies, broken into small pieces
2 cups frozen (thawed) whipped topping
1 Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for dark or nonstick pan). Spray bottom and sides of 13x9-inch pan with baking spray with flour.
2 Make and bake cake mix as directed on box, using water, oil and eggs. Cool completely in pan on cooling rack. Crumble cake with fork.
3 In each of 24 (4-oz) glass jars or cups, place 1 small scoop of ice cream. Layer with crumbled cake and half of the cookie pieces. Top with remaining ice cream, a dollop of whipped topping and remaining cookie pieces. Serve immediately or freeze until serving time.
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Blueberry Fool
Yield: Serves 6
Cost per Serving: $1.35
Recipe Time
Cook Time: 10 Minutes
Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Chill: 1 Hour
Ingredients
3 cups blueberries
1/3 cup plus 1 Tbsp. sugar
3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 1/4 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt (not nonfat)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Additional blueberries, optional
Preparation
1. In a saucepan, combine berries, 1/3 cup sugar, cornstarch, salt and lemon juice. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring often, until sugar dissolves, berries have softened and juices have thickened slightly, about 10 minutes. Remove from heat, transfer to a bowl and let cool, stirring occasionally. Cover and refrigerate until cold, about 1 hour.
2. In a chilled bowl, using an electric mixer with chilled beaters, beat cream and remaining 1 Tbsp. sugar until soft peaks form. Add yogurt and vanilla and beat until medium peaks form.
3. Using a large spatula, gently fold blueberry mixture into cream mixture until just barely combined, with streaks remaining. Divide mixture among 6 bowls, top with additional blueberries, if desired, and serve
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Blueberry Crumb Cake
Yield: Serves 12
Cost per Serving: $.41
Recipe Time
Cook Time: 55 Minutes
Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Ingredients
Topping:
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 tablespoons canola oil
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
Cake:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons nonfat sour cream
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
2 large eggs plus 1 large egg white
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup plain low-fat yogurt
1 cup frozen blueberries
Preparation
1. Make topping: Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Use fingertips to blend until mixture resembles large peas. Refrigerate.
2. Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a 9-inch round cake pan with cooking spray. Cut a 9-inch circle of parchment; place in pan. Mist with cooking spray.
3. Make cake: In a small bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a separate bowl, beat sour cream, butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs and egg white. Beat until frothy, about 3 minutes. Blend in vanilla and yogurt until smooth. Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Fold in berries. Spread batter evenly in pan. Sprinkle with topping.
4. Bake cake until a toothpick inserted into center comes out clean, 50 to 55 minutes. Cool on a wire rack for 15 minutes before turning out of pan. Peel off parchment and turn cake right-side up on rack to cool. Cut into wedges and serve.
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Bittersweet Chocolate Poundcake
Rich and dense, this bittersweet chocolate poundcake, with just a hint of coffee, is topped with a shiny and tempting chocolate glaze.
Serves: 12
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 50 minutes
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons instant coffee
4 bars NESTLÉ ® TOLL HOUSE ® Unsweetened Chocolate Baking Bars
2 cups granulated sugar
1 cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 1/2 cups sifted powdered sugar
2 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons confectioners' sugar, optional, for sprinkling
FOR CAKE: Preheat the oven to 325° F. Grease 10-inch Bundt pan.
Combine the flour, baking soda and baking powder in a small bowl. Bring the water and coffee granules to a boil in small saucepan and remove from the heat. Add 3 bars (6 ounces) of baking chocolate to the pan and stir until smooth.
Beat the sugar, butter and vanilla extract in a large mixer bowl until creamy. Add the eggs and beat on high speed for 5 minutes. Beat in the flour mixture, alternating with the chocolate mixture.
Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 50 to 60 minutes or until long wooden pick inserted in cake comes out clean. Cool in the cake in the pan on a wire rack for 30 minutes. Invert onto wire rack to cool completely.
FOR CHOCOLATE GLAZE: Melt the remaining baking bar (2 ounces) and butter in small, heavy-duty saucepan over low heat, stirring until smooth. Remove from the heat. Stir in confectioners' sugar, alternating with the water until of desired consistency. Stir in the vanilla extract.
Set the cake on a rack positioned in a jelly-roll pan to catch the excess glaze. Pour the glaze over the cooled cake, letting it slide down the sides of the cake. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar and then let the glaze set before serving.
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Au Gratin Potatoes
Serve these tasty potatoes with burgers, roast beef, pork, or just about any meat or poultry.
Ingredients:
2 to 2 1/2 pounds red-skinned potatoes
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup diced onion
2 small cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon fresh chopped parsley
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
salt and pepper, to taste
Preparation:
Peel potatoes and slice thinly. Rinse and cover with water in a medium saucepan. Bring to a boil; boil for 2 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water to stop cooking.
In a saucepan, melt butter over medium-low heat. Add the diced onion and sauté until tender; add minced garlic and parsley. Stir in flour and pepper until smooth. Gradually add milk, cooking and stirring over medium-low heat until thickened. Stir in cheese until melted and sauce is smooth.
Arrange sliced potatoes in a 2 to 2 1/2-quart casserole, sprinkling layers with salt and pepper. Pour sauce evenly over potatoes. Cover dish and cook at 350° for 40 to 50 minutes, or until potatoes are tender.
Serves 4 to 6.
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JOKES:
CONFUCIOUS QUOTE: Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
THINGS TO PONDER: What was the best thing before sliced bread?
“Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal.†- Author Unknown
You might be a REDNECK if...
...the tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
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Happiness and the Joy of Giving
Give yourself entirely to those around you. Be generous with your blessings. A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~Steve Maraboli
Don’t you just love stories? Stories have power and they help us use more of our minds, imagination and creativity, helping us to discover new things about ourselves and about the world we live in.
Today I want to share with you a really beautiful story I heard a few years back about the joy and beauty of giving and the happiness that comes from giving without expecting anything in return. Often times we feel like we can’t really give anything to anyone since we don’t have enough for ourselves and we repeat this story to ourselves for so long and eventually we make it part of our reality, but is that really true? Is there really nothing you have to offer to the world? I doubt that.
Aren’t there talents and skills you have, isn’t there plenty of LOVE in your heart to share it with those you care about; isn’t there a smile on your lips to offer to those who presently think they’ve got none?
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. ~Charles Dickens
There are so many things we can all offer to those around us and believe it or not many of these things are free. If you have material things you would like to give away to those who have less than you do, give it and if you feel like you don’t have any material possession to offer, give them your time, your knowledge, your love and support and many of the things you have that cost you nothing but they value a lot.
Joy of Giving
A woman who was traveling alone in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, the woman opened her bag to share her food.
The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his great fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.
But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the woman.
“I’ve been thinking,†he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.â€
The woman smiled, “The joy of giving!†Author: Unknwon
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MONOLOGUES
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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THE OLD-TIMERS' RIGHT
A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee", replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck", said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God, we can all still drive"!
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THERE WILL BE A TEST
CAN YOU REMEMBER?
1. Candy cigarettes?
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside?
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles?
4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes?
5. Blackjack chewing gum?
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers?
7. Party lines?
8. Newsreels before the movie?
9. P. F. Flyers?
10. Butch wax?
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ? (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters?
13. Howdy Doody?
14. 78 RPM Records?
15. S&H Green Stamps?
16. Hi-fi's?
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers?
18. Mimeograph paper?
19. Blue flash bulbs?
20. Beanie and Cecil?
21. Roller skate keys?
22. Cork popguns?
23. Driveins?
24. Studebakers?
25. Wash tub wringers?
Now add up your score If you remembered 0 to 5, you're still young If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older. If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt
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THE INTELECTUALLS
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these damned wicker chairs."
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A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
CHORUS: When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets,
And corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food
And no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads nd hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
CHORUS:
Back pains, confused brains, And no fear of sinning',
Thin bones and fractures And hair that is thinning',
As we won't mention Our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
CHORUS:
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOOO BAAAAD.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Hints, Etc. .
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Our Daily Devotional:
Christ Goes With You
John 15:4, NIV: "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
Regardless of where you are, Christ is there. When you are atop the mountain praising God and walking in the warmth of His love, He is there. When you are walking through the valley of the shadows, He is there. You may be saying, "Yes, I know that, but..." one thing or another has stolen your joy or your peace. And yet, the joy and peace you need is not yours but that which resides in Christ. Do we fully understand what it means to say that Christ is there, whether good times or bad? The hard truth may be that you will come down from mountaintop experiences, but the wonderful truth of God is that, no matter where you are, you can remain in Christ. No matter how dark the valley seems, the light of Christ can be with you. You can draw near to the warmth of His light, draw near to Him, and draw from His perfect peace, and endless joy. Seek Him out and draw near to Him. Learn from Him what it means to remain in Him. Spend adequate time with Him each day, and you will have all that you need.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
rollick ROL-ik , verb:
To move or act in a carefree, frolicsome manner; behave in a free, hearty, gay, or jovial way.
Also in old, jolly fishwives, squatted under arches, obscene old women, how deeply they laugh and shake and rollick, when they walk, from side to side, hum, ha!
-- Virginia Woolf, "The String Quartet," Monday or Tuesday: Eight Stories
A deeper ripple of mirth this time and Bronzini was sad for the boy, skinny Alfonse, but did not rebuke them, kept talking, talked over the momentary rollick—skinny sorry Alfonse, grape-stained with tragic acne.
-- Don DeLillo, Underworld
Rollick is a portmanteau of "frolic" and "romp." It arose in the 1820s.
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The following poem is dedicated to those who are struggling with the ravages of PTSD and to those who are closest to them, who are enduring the struggle for recovery together with their returning warriors. It is true that time is the great healer, but it is profoundly aided by the loving patience that family members and friends can bring to their veterans as well.
I have often said that my life was saved by and through the love my wife had for me, even though I could not see the good in me that she saw so clearly. She was patient and kind, and loved me despite myself. This could not have been easy for her, but her courage and commitment to me was the best medicine I ever had. I have said too, that my children taught me to love. When they came into our marriage, we were given the gift of forgetting ourselves, our temporary hurts, and our cares, in order to meet the needs of those little souls. in serving them, we forgot our troubles, or found the
ir truer importance in relation to their greater needs.
Life is about hope and faith. It is not about our pasts. The past can be forgiven and we can learn great lessons from it if we look at it with our eyes wide open. The truth is that we can learn to take charge of our own well-being. And the further truth is, that when we do, we will be constantly surprised by the good that life offers as well.
Be patient with yourselves and with one another. Your love is greater than the false power of those memories. Use the services that are available to you through the VA and the military services too. All of these can help you in your return to the world.
I hope the following poem helps, even if just a little.
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Grow Your Own Pineapple
You’ve probably heard about people trying it before – growing their own pineapple from one they bought at the grocery store. And you’ve probably thought, “Aren’t pineapples from Hawaii? I’d be silly to try growing my own!â€
Cut pineapple on try
With the crown cut off and several leaves pulled to expose the roots, this pineapple top is ready for rooting!
Pineapple root primordia
These little brown dots are the root primordia that’ll jump-start your pineapple plant.
Pineapple stem in glass
The bushy top will suspend the stem in a glass of water until it’s properly rooted.
Potted pineapples
These young pineapple plants cover the main stages: At right is a stem rooting in water. At left is a fully rooted stem that’s been planted in a 6-inch pot. And in the center is a shoot from a “mother plant,†growing in an 8-inch container.
Silly or not, it’s actually not that hard to do. The project just takes some patience and tenacity, and it doesn’t really matter where you live or when you start growing your fruit. Getting started is as simple as taking a trip to your local supermarket! Be sure to pick a pineapple with a healthy crown and good color. (Consider picking up two of these tasty fruits to eat and propagate – just in case one fails to root properly.)
Once you’re home, pull out the cutting board and a sharp knife. Cut off the crown just like you normally do when carving a pineapple. Place the top of your pineapple on the cutting board like you would a loaf of bread, and start slicing away the flesh by cutting very thin, horizontal strips. Keep slicing until you see the root buds, which look like a circle of brown dots around the outer edge of the surface. Strip back about 1 inch of the crown’s lower leaves to create a stem. (They come off easily, just fold them forward and tear the edge away from the side.) As you remove the leaves, you’ll start to see small, pale or brown bumps, which are root primordia – or the start of your plant’s new roots.
Allow the stem to air-dry upside down for a few days, then place it in a clear container (like a drinking glass, mug or plastic cup) with enough water to cover it. Put it in a spot away from direct sun and temperature extremes. Mark the date on your calendar or container, change the water twice a week, and in about two weeks you should have a rooted stem that’s ready to plant!
Now, the key to successfully growing your pineapple is good drainage. Start with a 6- or 8-inch pot and put 1-2 inches of pebbles in the bottom to make a base for the soil and to cover the drainage hole. Then fill the container with either a standard potting soil mixed with 1/3 perlite or a cactus/bromeliad mix with 1/3 perlite. Then just pop the stem in the soil and press the mix firmly around the base, being sure to keep the soil away from the leaves. Water your new plant as needed, keeping the soil moist, but not soggy – pineapples are prone to drowning.
Keep your pineapple plant where it’ll get the recommended six hours of bright light per day and where the temperature hovers around 65-75 degrees F. In 6-8 weeks, new leaves should start sprouting from the center or sides of the crown. As these grow, begin watering your pineapple lightly once a week. During the hot summer months, move your plant outside and water it twice a week. (Don’t worry if the original leaves die – just remove them.)
You can start fertilizing your plant when it’s about 2 months old. Your pineapple gets its nutrients through its leaves during the warmest months and through its roots during the coolest ones. With this in mind, fertilize twice a month in summer by misting the plant with a water-soluble plant food diluted to half-strength. (Or you can sprinkle dry fertilizer on the top of the soil so it’ll dissolve with regular watering, but then still mist-fertilize every couple of weeks.) In winter, fertilize just once a month with a regular, undiluted solution. Note: Growth is slow in winter, but hang in there! Just keep your plant healthy and inspect it regularly for pests and root rot.
Your pineapple plant will eventually reach 2-3 feet tall and wide, with the ultimate size depending on your climate and growing conditions. (In fact, you’ll probably need to repot it before the summer months to accommodate its growth.) Full maturity takes between 18 months and two years. That’s when you’ll likely start to notice one or more new shoots (called ratoons) sprouting off of the side. And that’s all good – let the shoot reach about 12 inches long, then cut or break it off from the base and grow it just like you did the mother plant for a chance at more fruit!
When your pineapple matures, a bloom spike that looks like a small acorn should appear. The blooms are bright lilac-pink and open one row at a time. As they die, they form the scales of the shell, which will need to grow for another 4-6 months to reach harvest maturity. The color of the shell will turn from green to deep gold, from the bottom up – just like the original pineapple you got from the grocery. If your plant remains healthy (and let’s hope so – by now it’s practically part of the family), it’s not over. Your mature plant should continue to produce several shoots that are potential fruit-bearers – and gifts for fellow pineapple lovers!
So, yes, it’s really true: You don’t have to live in Hawaii or some other exotic paradise to produce your own pineapple. Sure, it takes a lot of patience and love, but the sweet results are more than worth the wait!
Tips
When picking a pineapple, look for healthy, firm, green leaves – especially in the center. (It’s okay if the tips are dry.) Don’t forget to check for scale or mites – you don’t want to bring home more than the fruit! And find a pineapple with a green shell and yellow, gold or light orange “scales.†That color break shows that the fruit is ripening properly!
Even tropical plants can get sunburn. When you move your pineapple plant outside to enjoy the warm weather, place it in a shady location to start. After a couple of days, you can move it into the sun.
Definitions
Ratoon: A shoot that grows from the base of an existing pineapple, banana or sugar cane plant.
Faqs
Q: I can’t get my pineapple to bloom. Is there something I can do?
A: Sure! You can “force†it. Here are your options: 1) Lay the plant on its side between watering. 2) Place the plant in a large plastic garbage bag with two very ripe apples cut into halves, close the top and leave it alone for several days. 3) Place a fingernail-size piece of calcium carbide on the center of the crown and pour ¼ cup of water over the top. Whatever method, you should see a flower spike in the center of the crown in 2-3 months.
Tools
You can boost the length and strength of your “daylight†with a grow light – a very handy supplement or alternative for anyone with less-than-ideal indoor light conditions.
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RECIPE:
Honey Custard French Toast
This is a wonderful breakfast or brunch for the whole family. The honey makes it just a little extra-special.
Serves: 6
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 5 to 10 minutes
1/2 cup honey
1 cup milk
6 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon salt
12 slices French bread, about 3/4 inch thick
1 tablespoon butter
honey, optional
Toasted pecan pieces, optional
DIRECTIONS:
In a large, shallow bowl, beat together the honey, milk, eggs, cinnamon, and salt. Dip the bread slices in the egg mixture and turn to coat.
Heat some butter in a frying pan over medium heat. Cook the bread for 1 to 2 minutes on each side until browned.
Serve the French toast with more honey and sprinkled with pecans.
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Herbed Irish Beef Beer Stew
At a glance
Main Ingredient
Beef Carrots
Cooking Method
Crockpot
Difficulty Easy - Moderate
Course/DishMeat
Makes 4-6 servings
Beef and beer are man's best friend. So why not enjoy them both as one great dish? Cheers to this scrumptious stew. Your Irish eyes will definitely be smiling.
Ingredients
2 tbsp. olive oil
3 bay leaves
2 lb. beef stew meat, cut into 1 1/2
1 large yellow onion, peeled and cut into 1/4
2 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
1 tsp. dried thyme
1 tsp. dried rosemary
2-3 tbsp. all-purpose flour
3/4 cup beef stock
1/2 cup Guinness stout
1 tbsp. parsley, chopped
1/2 lb. carrots, sliced
Salt and black pepper, freshly ground
Methods/steps
Heat a 6 quart stove top casserole or ovenproof pot and add the oil and the bay leaves. Cook the bay leaves for a moment and then add the meat. Brown the meat on both sides on “high†heat. Add the onion and cook for a few minutes until it is clear. Reduce the heat to “low†and add the garlic, thyme, rosemary and flour and stir until smooth. Add the beef stock and stout; simmer, stirring until the stew thickens a bit. Add the remaining ingredients and cover. Place the pot in the oven at 275 degrees for about 2 hours, stirring a couple of times. Season with salt and pepper to taste before serving.
Additional Tips
Ready in 2½ hours
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Hawaiian Pork Chops
4 loin pork chops
1/4 cup flour
2 Tbs oil
4 slices canned pineapple
(reserve 1/3 cup juice)
Dredge chops in flour.
Brown in skillet with oil.
Top each chop with a ring
of pineapple.Add pineapple juice.
Cover and cook slowly. Remove meat
and pineapple to platter.Pour the
remaining juice over chops.Serves 4.
4 Ingredient Recipe
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Hawaiian Chicken
This is a great dish, and is so simple to make.
Serves: 4
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 2-inch pieces
1 can (20 ounces) pineapple chunks in juice
1/2 cup FRENCH'S® Honey Mustard GRILL & GLAZE Sauce
1 green or red bell pepper, cut into chunks
Heat 1 tablespoon oil in nonstick skillet. Cook chicken for 5 minutes until well browned; drain.
Add remaining ingredients. Bring to boiling. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer 5 to 8 minutes until chicken is no longer pink in center and sauce thickens slightly. Serve with rice if desired.
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Lemonade Brownies
makes approx 10 brownies.
Ingredients
Brownies
1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1/2 cup dry lemonade powder
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 egg, plus 2 yolks
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup flour, plus 2 Tbsp
1/4 tsp baking powder
Glaze
1 cup powdered sugar
2-3 Tbsp prepared lemonade OR juice from one lemon, approx 2-3 Tbsp
1 tsp lemon zest
How to Make
Preheat oven to 350°
Spray an 8x8 pan with cooking spray, set aside.
Cream butter, sugar and lemonade powder in mixer for about 2 minutes,until light and fluffy.
Add in egg and both yolks and vanilla. Continue mixing until incorporated.
Turn mixer to low and add in flour and baking powder. Stir until combined.
Spread batter into prepared pan.
Bake 15-20 minutes until edges begin to golden and center is JUST set. Do not over bake.
Remove from oven and cool on wire rack.
Glaze
Stir powdered sugar, lemonade or lemon juice and zest in a small bowl and pour over cooled brownies.
Let glaze set for at least an hour before cutting into squares.
Notes
I used Country time Lemonade mix, but I imagine any brand will work fine!
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Salted Caramel Cheesecake
Serves 2
Ha ha! Just kidding—I’ve served up to 20 people with one cheesecake. Ideally it probably serves about 10-12 people.
For the crust
About 15 graham crackers
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 stick unsalted butter, melted
1 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt (note: I reduced this from 2 teaspoons. A number of folks in the comments said they found it was too salty. I made this recipe 4 times before posting this, and checked the measurements pretty carefully, I thought. However, I made it for Thanksgiving 2011 and realized that they WAY the crust is distributed in the pan can make it seem quite salty--if there's a significant slope between the bottom and the sides, that fairly dense piece of crust can be overpowering to the rest of the recipe. So I'm recommending the reduction to the salt to account for the possible variations in the way people make the crust.)
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a food processor, grind graham crackers to crumbs. (If you’re using premade crumbs, you want about 8 oz or 2 cups, and you’ll want to do all these steps in a bowl.) Add sugar and salt and pulse to combine. With motor running, add butter through feed tube. Process for another few seconds until combined.
2. Transfer the mixture to a 9†or 10†(I have a 10†myself) springform pan sprayed with cooking spray. Pat crumb mixture into the bottom of the pan, and up the sides about 2â€. Don’t worry if it’s not perfectly even around the top; you just want to be sure it’s deep enough to hold all the cheesecake mixture.
3. Bake crust until slightly brown. You’ll just be able to smell it. This will take anywhere from 10-12 minutes. Remove crust from the oven and allow to cool on a rack. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees F.
For the cheesecake
3 8oz packages cream cheese, at room temperature
1 13-14 oz. can dulce de leche
2 tablespoons all purpose flour
3 teaspoons kosher salt
1 ¼ cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
4 large eggs, at room temperature
1. In a stand mixture fitted with the paddle attachment beat cream cheese until smooth, add dulce de leche and beat to combine.
2. Add flour and salt, beat to combine, stopping to scrape down the sides as necessary. Beat until smooth and fluffy, about 5 minutes. There should be no lumps.
3. Add the sugar and beat to combine.
4. Add the vanilla, and then beat in the eggs one at a time until just combined, about 30 seconds each. Don’t overbeat once the eggs are added; the cheesecake will puff up too much while baking, and the top will crack.
5. Pour the cream cheese mixture into the cooled crust and smooth the top.
6. Bake at 300 degrees F for 55 – 65 minutes. The center will seem to be only slightly set, and will be wobbly if you nudge it. The sides will puff slightly.
7. Cool completely on a rack, then cover and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight (I have gotten away with a 5 hour cooling, but I was on edge that it wouldn’t turn out; overnight is really best). When I put it in the refrigerator to set up, I remove the ring from my springform, and put the cheesecake on a cake stand. You can leave it in the springform if you don't have a cake stand.
For the caramel
½ cup granulated sugar
3 tablespoons water
½ cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1. In a large saucepan over medium heat, combine the sugar and water. Swirl to combine. All those warnings about stirring caramel and brushing down the sides of the pan with a wet pastry brush to avoid crystal formation? I avoid all that by just never stirring it at all. If I need to move it around the pan, I just swirl it.
2. Continue cooking until the sugar turns golden brown, swirling occasionally. You’re looking for something that’s about the color of dark honey. The problem with caramel is that it goes from perfect to burnt in the blink of an eye, so just when you find yourself thinking, “Any second now…†pull it off the heat. It should take 3-5 minutes.
3. Off the heat, carefully add the butter, then the cream. Don’t wait until the butter is melted; toss in the butter, give it a whisk, then pour in the cream. It will foam up, seize, and otherwise look like a total failure. Persevere! Add the vanilla extract and salt and continue whisking.
4. Return to medium low heat and whisk until smooth. (Added note: if your caramel is too thin, let it cook for awhile over a low heat. I've actually let it boil a bit--unintentionally--and just when I thought I'd ruined it, it turned out to be perfect.) Allow to cool slightly, about 15 minutes.
5. Remove cheesecake from the refrigerator and pour caramel over the top. I try to encourage mine to pool in the middle, but if you’re more of a drip-down-the-sides type, you can go with that. I just think the drippy makes sort of a mess on my cake stand, but maybe that doesn’t bother you.
6. Return the cheesecake to the refrigerator to let the caramel set, about 30 minutes. To serve, cut in slices (it’s pretty rich) with a sharp knife, wiping the blade clean after every slice.
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JOKES:
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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FACEBOOK JOKES:
"Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever." –Craig Ferguson
"Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash." –Craig Ferguson
"Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason." –Jimmy Fallon
"On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket." -Jay Leno
"As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, 'Now there's a sound investment.'" –Conan O'Brien
**************************************************
SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE:
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
And proud of it!
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories. Over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh???...uh.
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors. Absolutely nothing!
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years. SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts, I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN, and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
ALWAYS REMEMBER: The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
************************************************
ANDY ROONEY LOOKS AT LIFE
Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
Let's die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. Get kicked out because you're too young, get a gold watch and go to work. Work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. Become a little baby, and go back into the womb, Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.
************************************************
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
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2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie Fucking Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales
*******************************************
AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
It has come to this. I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car. BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail.
Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills. Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants.
I head for the door and notice someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants. BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious. I'll get help... BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail.
**************************************
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*******************************************
I'M NOT OLD, I'M JUST MATURE
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase he took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, It's the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature.
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer , can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit , not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
Calling it blond is just about right.
My car is all paid for, not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older ... much faster than me. T
hey seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles, for sure, But don't call me old : just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow.
I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I know I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old , I'm only mature.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
REMINDER FROM GOD:
Our Daily Devotional:
While You Wait
Psalm 37:4, NKJV: "Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."
When we make our requests to God, do we consider His request of us? He knows our requests before we ask, even as He knows our hearts. But He also desires that we know His heart, and that the nature of our requests will mature into something that reflects His desire for us. I may have a situation I am waiting for Him to resolve. Perhaps I need a job, or to sell a house, or something else I feel I have little control over. I make my request to God, and I ask people to pray for me that my situation be resolved quickly. But what might I be missing? Why does God wait to meet my need? There is a good chance that there is a need I have that God needs to show me that is not the need I am focused on. There is a good reason why God is not resolving my issue quickly. My prayer request, therefore, needs to mature to a level wherein I ask Him, what He needs of me. My prayer request turns from, ?Lord, please fix this;? to ?Lord, show me what You need from me where I am.? The Lord will indeed meet all of our needs. But what is it He desires from you while you wait?
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
- Isaiah 53:5
REMINDER FROM GOD: "Be full of gratitude. Take all that happens as My Planning. I have prepared all in My Love for you."
**********************************************
WORD FOR THE DAY:
bathetic buh-THET-ik , adjective:
Displaying or characterized by insincere emotions: the bathetic emotionalism of soap operas.
The bathetic quality of "instant cliche" endings is to some extent counterbalanced by the kind of ending which combines plot-contortion with climactic enlightenment…
-- Heterocosms, Heterocosms
Attempts to capture the awe and pain of dying can often, alas, come out sounding either bathetic or satiric.
-- Nancy Kress, Characters, Emotion and Viewpoint
Based on the more common word pathetic, bathetic entered English in the 1830s. It comes from the Greek word bathos which meant "depth."
**********************************************
TODAY'S PET TIP
Choosing Good Toys for Your Dog
There are many different types and styles of dog toys to choose from. Do you know which your dog would like best?
To figure this out...consider how your dog likes to play.
What activity does he like most?
Is he a chewer? Does he like to fetch? Or does he like to play tug-of-war? Maybe your dog is a cuddler and likes snuggling up to soft plush animals?
Pick his toys by his chosen activity.
------------------------------------
5 Easy Steps to Housebreaking Your Dog
Small dogs are a lot of attitude wrapped up in a tiny package. They're known for their strong personalities and independent nature. It's usually a blessing and one of the reasons that we love them, but that's not the case when it comes to housetraining problems. Small dogs can be notoriously difficult to train, and some even go years before seemingly forgetting all their training and relapsing.
If your dog is not housebroken or has slid back in their training, you've no doubt got problems with odor and stains. From nasty marks on carpets, furniture and bedding to the horrible smell of dog urine, it can be challenging for even the best dog owners. Most of us try our best to housetrain our dogs but that behavior isn't always picture-perfect. Dogs might eliminate outside for awhile but begin urinating in the house again for a variety of reasons.
Some dogs urinate indoors when they are scared, nervous, anxious (especially in the case of separation anxiety) or excited. Sometimes dogs urinate inside because they have been left home alone for too long with no appropriate place to eliminate. In other cases, your pooch might piddle indoors because they smell another pet's urine. (And yes, some dog lovers claim that their pets urinate inside to "test their limits" and see what they can get away with.)
Some dog lovers try to get around the issue by giving their dog an “approved†indoor location in which to urinate. It's a common option with owners who have to leave the house for long periods of time, or who have dogs that refuse to eliminate in inclement weather. It's also a convenient option if the human is unable to take their dog outside frequently or if the dog's bladder cannot hold urine for very long. When teaching a dog where it is "safe" to urinate indoors, I recommend using pee pads . This is an easy way to train your dog to urinate indoors in an appropriate place. These pads typically consist of an absorbent material backed in plastic and are designed to soak up urine, making cleanup easier and "accidents" less likely.
Getting a dog or puppy to use a pee- pad is easy. Just follow these 5 easy steps and your dog will be using them in no time!
Step 1 - Place the pad in the same spot repeatedly. Putting the pad in the same place will help the dog become accustomed to this new form of going to the bathroom. Remember: repetition is good.
Step 2 - Bring the dog over to the pee pad whenever you think they might have to urinate: first thing in the morning, right before bed, after extended play time, a deep drink of water, or a long nap. This is especially important for puppies because they don't have a large bladder. If your dog is fully grown, wait 15 to 30 minutes after drinking before coaxing him over to the pad and encouraging him to eliminate.
Step 3 - Reward elimination on the pad. Keep a box of treats handy so that when your dog has successfully done his business on the pad, you can quickly reward him. Positive reinforcement is the key to housetraining.
Step 4 - Don't respond negatively when dealing with the pads. Many owners will react negatively when they see that their pet has had an accident near the pad or that they have chewed on the pad. Don't make this mistake! Dogs will associate any negativity with the pads themselves, which will undo your hard work.
Step 5 - When you leave, place the pee pad in the room/area your dog will be in. This will help reinforce that this is where your dog should go to the bathroom while you're gone. Soon your dog will learn to go independently of you and your schedule.
With these 5 steps, the transition to pee pads should be much easier for you and your dog. Don't forget: pee pads are no replacement for healthy walks with your dog.
*********************************************
RECIPE:
Stuffed French toast
Stuffed French toast with a creamy filling is good paired with a fibrous fruit such as a 1/2 cup fresh raspberries.
Note: This French toast is high in sodium, primarily because of the cheeses. For a lower-sodium dish, substitute no-salt
cheeses if you can find them. You can also try substituting orange, almond or strawberry extract for the vanilla.
Servings: 6
Ingredients
6 (2 inch thick) slices French bread
1/4 cup ricotta cheese
1/4 cup cottage cheese, whipped
2 tablespoons lowfat cream cheese
2 teaspoons white sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 cups egg substitute
1/4 cup evaporated milk
Directions
1. Cut a pocket in each slice of bread. Open carefully
2. In a large bowl, combine the ricotta, cottage cheese and cream cheese.
Add the sugar and flavoring extract and beat until smooth. Spread the mixture evenly into each bread pocket.
3. Beat together the egg substitutes and milk. Dip the slices of bread in the egg mixture.
4. Heat a nonstick pan over medium-high heat. Coat with cooking spray. Cook the toast on each side for about
3 to 4 minutes per side until golden brown.
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Parmesan and Parsley Sausage Ball Appetizer
Servings: 10
Ingredients
3 cups biscuit baking mix
1 pound bulk pork sausage
4 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup milk
1 1/2 teaspoons dried parsley
Directions
1. Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a broiler pan or other pan with rack.
2. Mix together the baking mix, sausage, Cheddar cheese, Parmesan cheese, milk, and parsley.
Shape the mix into 1-inch balls and place on the prepared pan.
3. Bake the sausage balls in the preheated oven until brown, about 25 minutes.
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Thai Chicken Wrap
It's time you gave this chicken wrap a Thai. Stuffed with a ton of fresh ingredients, this poultry-driven wrap
is satisfying any time of day. It's sure to be a feather in your cap. When you're searching for a sandwich substitute,
this is it.
Servings: 2
Ingredients
2 tbsp. chunky peanut butter
1 tsp. lite soy sauce
1 tbsp. water
1 8 oz. grilled or baked chicken breast
2 flour tortillas or your favorite sandwich wrap
5 oz. shredded iceberg lettuce
1 large carrot, peeled and shredded
Directions
1.Place the peanut butter, lite soy sauce, and water in a bowl. Whisk together until evenly combined. Set aside.
Slice the cooked chicken breast into chunky slices and place half the amount of chicken on each tortilla.
Divide the carrots and lettuce equally and place on top of the chicken in each tortilla.
Drizzle the peanut sauce over the fillers. Then roll up the sandwich and wrap with Saran Wrap.
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Herb Grilled Vegetables
Bring out the best flavors of fresh vegetables by basting them with herb-infused chicken broth during grilling. Sometimes simple is best!
Serves: 6 servings (1 cup each)
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup Swanson® Chicken Broth (Regular, Natural Goodness® or Certified Organic)
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves, crushed
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 large red onion, thickly sliced (about 1 cup)
1 large red or green pepper, cut into wide strips (about 2 cups)
1 medium zucchini or yellow squash, thickly sliced (about 1 1/2 cups)
2 cups large mushroom
DIRECTIONS
Stir the broth, thyme and black pepper in a small bowl. Brush the vegetables with the broth mixture.
Lightly oil the grill rack and heat the grill to medium. Grill the vegetables for 10 minutes or until they're tender-crisp, turning over once during grilling and brushing often with the broth mixture.
Helper: A grilling basket is handy for grilling smaller foods like these veggies. Just place the vegetables in a single layer in the basket, close and place on the grill. You can baste the vegetables right in the basket, and flip the basket to grill the other side.
Notes: Nutritional Values per Serving using Swanson Chicken Broth: Calories 30, Total Fat 0g, Saturated Fat 0g, Cholesterol 0mg, Sodium 78mg, Total Carbohydrate 6g, Dietary Fiber 2g, Protein 2g, Vitamin A 19%DV, Vitamin C 36%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 3%DV
Nutritional Values per Serving using Swanson Natural Goodness Chicken Broth: Calories 31, Total Fat 0g, Saturated Fat 0g, Cholesterol 0mg, Sodium 53mg, Total Carbohydrate 6g, Dietary Fiber 2g, Protein 2g, Vitamin A 19%DV, Vitamin C 36%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 3%DV
Nutritional Values per Serving using Swanson Certified Organic Chicken Broth: Calories 31, Total Fat 0g, Saturated Fat 0g, Cholesterol 0mg, Sodium 52mg, Total Carbohydrate 6g, Dietary Fiber 2g, Protein 2g, Vitamin A 19%DV, Vitamin C 36%DV, Calcium 2%DV, Iron 3%DV
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Molten Lava Cookies
Inspired by popular molten center cakes, these pillowy-soft, brownie-like cookies are made possible with REAL BUTTER and a chocolate lava center made with semisweet and dark chocolate melted with vanilla.
Serves: 24 cookies
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 9-11 minutes
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 eggs
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/3 cup dark or semisweet chocolate (at least 60% cocoa), roughly chopped
Powdered sugar for garnish (optional)
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350°F. Cream together butter and sugar with an electric mixer. Add cocoa powder, eggs and vanilla; mix until combined.
Combine flour and baking powder in a separate bowl. Gradually add to butter mixture.
Shape dough into 1-inch balls. Using your thumb, press a thumbprint into the center; fill with a piece of chocolate and fold dough over to cover chocolate.
Place balls 2 inches apart on baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Bake 9 to 11 minutes or until edges are firm and tops are soft. Remove cookies to a cooling rack; dust with powdered sugar, if desired. Serve warm, if possible. Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 1 week.
To reheat cookies, place cookie on microwave-safe plate and microwave on high for 5 seconds, or until cookie is slightly warm.
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Grilled Chicken with Peach Teriyaki Barbecue Sauce
This grilled chicken tastes delicious any time. Try it with rice pilaf and Caesar salad.
Serves: 4
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
4 peaches
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce, divided
2 teaspoons fresh ginger, minced
1 teaspoon Asian sesame oil, dark
1/4 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts, halved
DIRECTIONS:
Light a charcoal or gas grill. Finely dice the peaches and mix well with 4 teaspoons of teriyaki sauce, the ginger, sesame oil and hot sauce. Rub both sides of chicken with remaining 2 teaspoons teriyaki sauce. Grill over medium coals for 15 minutes or until done but still juicy. Drizzle peach teriyaki sauce over chicken to serve.
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JOKES:
My first job as a greeter for Walmart lol
After landing my new job as a ‘meet and greeter’ at Jacks Paint and Hardware
- a lovely position for a guy like me, and I would say for older folk who have taken their foot off the gas…..so to speak……I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Jacks Paint."
I smiled and added, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
This ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Twins..???? do they look like twins?? Of course they aren’t twins you idiot!!! The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?"
I looked her in the eye, smiled and replied, "No madam, I'm neither blind nor stupid, I just can’t believe someone would have fucked you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Jacks Paint and Hardware"
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. I thought we were friends…..!!!
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Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"
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Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way
out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang
almost to her knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so
mucho grande?"
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing
my wife?"
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How Smart Are You?
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
QUESTIONS
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
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Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
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A Modest Essay
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
**********************************************
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut
tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed
down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the
same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for
himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband
says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making
love down there!"
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A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Tidbits, Jokes,
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