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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"Your five senses are the means of communication with the material world. Sever all connection with them when you wish to communicate with Me."  -- GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

Not in Vain

1 Corinthians 15:58, NIV: "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

The cares of life, the deceitfulness of what this world would offer, the pains, the trials, and hard times, can all shake the very foundation beneath our feet--if that foundation is something other than Jesus. Like a very old tree seems to stand strong against the storms, we are encouraged to stand firm, and to let nothing move us. But it is not only the difficult times that can shake us, but the good. Sometimes the perceived good times become the doorways for the entrance of pride, complacency, and self-centeredness. The Good (which is Christ) is present, but the bad seeks to press in from every angle. We've so much to do in this short time here, and so much we do that seems in vain. But we are reminded also that whatever our circumstance, we have steadfastness in our Lord. And regardless of what we do that seems for nothing, our work in the Lord is never for nothing. And not one thing built on the foundation of Jesus will ever be lost.

 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

- Genesis 1:27

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

gumption   

 GUHMP-shuhn , noun;

1.Initiative; aggressiveness; resourcefulness.

2.Courage; spunk; guts.

Quotes:

I've had the gumption to make the money, but I haven't the gumption to spend it.

-- Anthony Trollope, Dr. Thorne

You're just one of those sweet boobs without any gumption to fight back.

-- Fannie Hurst, The stories of Fannie Hurst

Origin:

Gumption comes from a Scottish term, possibly deriving from the Old Norse gaumr, "attention, heed."

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TODAY'S PET TIP

Best Cat Toys

Cat toys, there are tons and tons of cat toys on the market. But do you know your cat's toy preference? 

Is your cat a birder, a mouser, or a bugger? Does your cat prefer toys that mimic birds, mice or catching bugs? 

There are many types of cat toys made for cats and each cat has his or her own preferences as to what stimulates them to interact.

Favored cat toys mimic predatory acts that cats would perform if they were to hunt for their food. 

Although your cat may not need to "hunt", they still enjoy the actions and movements involved with the process of hunting from which they create a form of play. 

Cats love to chase, pounce, capture, carry, bite and roll around with good cat toys. 

Thwarting the Alarm Clock Cat

Dealing with cats that wake you up before the alarm clock is frustrating, especially you want to sleep! Contrary to popular belief, cats are not nocturnal. The term "nocturnal" refers to the lifestyle of being awake at night instead of during the day, and that isn't what cats do. They sleep at night as we do, just not for quite as long. Cats are "crepuscular," which means they are most active at dawn and dusk. This is because their ancestors' prey was most active at these times, so it made sense for them to adjust to that schedule. No creature in his or her right mind ran about during the heat of the day or in the middle of night when it was pitch black. Though cats' night vision is very good, they can't see without light. Instead, they sleep. 

And herein lies the problem of the chronic "alarm clock" cat. Two things combine to make this phenomenon possible:

1. Nature. Your cat's internal clock and crepuscular nature tells her that it's time to get up at around dawn. Depending on the time of sunrise, cats will become active sooner or later. During summer in lands of midnight sun, cats may not be triggered by the dawn. During the long, dark, sunless winters of the Antarctic, a cat would probably sleep till lunchtime everyday.

2. Training. This is where the cat's owner comes in. Let's say your cat becomes active first thing in the morning. She quickly becomes bored because there's nothing going on. If you so much as look at this cat, rewarding her with your attention, you may well get more of the same in days to come. Worse still, if you assume that your cat is pacing around and scratching your furniture because she's hungry, and you get up and feed her, then you have really made a bed upon which you must lie (awake).

At this stage, pretending to be asleep, yelling at the cat, rolling over, and other forms of stubborn resistance usually do not work. The cat continues her (no doubt) occasionally successful quests. And remember, occasional reward is a more powerful reinforcer than continuous reward (reference: the slot machines in Las Vegas). Some of the things you do may even amuse and entertain the bored cat and serve as reinforcers in their own right. You may, in effect, become a big squeaky toy for your cat. 

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Blackberry Wine Cake

1 box Duncan Hines white cake mix

½ cup Crisco oil

½ cup chopped pecans

1 small blackberry Jello*

4 eggs

½ cup blackberry wine

Put chopped nuts in bottom tube pan, well greased & floured. Mix ingredients well, pour in pan and bake at 325 for 45 or 50 minutes or until well done on top shelf.

Glaze

½ cup butter

½ box powder sugar

½ cup blackberry wine

Melt butter. Mix in wine & sugar. When cake gets done pour ½ of this glaze over it. Punch holes in cake. Let sit for about 30 minutes. Remove cake from pan. Pour balance of glaze over it. This is ready to eat.

 

*Editor’s Note: Sometimes Blackberry Jello is hard to find.  You may have to shop around for it.

 

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BROWNIE PUDDING DESSERT  

Batter:

1 c. flour

2 tsp. baking powder

1/4 tsp. salt

3/4 c. sugar

1 1/2 tbsp. baking cocoa (not drink mix)

1/2 c. milk

2 tbsp. melted butter

1 tsp. vanilla

1 c. walnuts, chopped

Sauce:

1 c. brown sugar, packed

4 tbsp. baking cocoa

1 3/4 c. hot water

Heat oven to 350 degrees. For the batter, sift the flour, baking powder, salt, sugar and 1 tablespoon baking cocoa into a bowl. Add milk, melted butter and vanilla until smooth. Stir in nuts. Pour batter into a well greased 8 inch square baking pan.

For the sauce, mix brown sugar and 4 tablespoons cocoa and sprinkle over the unbaked batter in the pan. Pour the hot water gently over all. Bake for 45 minutes.

Tastes best when slightly warm. Good with vanilla ice cream. Makes 8 servings.

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Cranberry-Apple Coffee Cake

 

Active Time:  45 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour 50 Minutes

Yield:  12 servings

Homey yet festive enough for the holiday season, serve this cake with breakfast, brunch or as a simple dessert.

Equipment: 9-inch springform pan 

Make Ahead Tip: Cover and store at room temperature for up to 2 days.

 INGREDIENTS

For the Topping:

1/2 cup  packed light brown sugar

1 tablespoon  cornstarch

1/4 teaspoon  ground cinnamon

1 1/2 cups  cranberries, fresh or frozen, thawed, chopped (see Tip)

1 1/2 cups  finely chopped peeled tart apple, such as Granny Smith (about 1 large)

1/2 cup  cranberry juice cocktail, orange juice or apple juice

For the Cake:

1 cup  all-purpose flour

1/2 cup  whole-wheat flour

1 teaspoon  baking powder

1/4 teaspoon  salt

1/8 teaspoon  baking soda

1/4 cup  canola oil

3 tablespoons  butter, slightly softened

3/4 teaspoon  freshly grated lemon zest

3/4 cup  granulated sugar, plus 1 tablespoon for sprinkling

1   large egg

3/4 cup  low-fat milk

2 teaspoons  vanilla extract

Kitchen tip

To make quick work of chopping cranberries, place whole berries in a food processor and pulse a few times until the berries are coarsely chopped. 

Kitchen note

A nonreactive pan—stainless steel, enamel-coated or glass—is necessary when cooking acidic foods, such as cranberries, to prevent the food from reacting with the pan. Reactive pans, such as aluminum and cast-iron, can impart an off color and/or off flavor in acidic foods.

 

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Coat a 9-inch springform pan with cooking spray.

To prepare topping: Whisk brown sugar, cornstarch and cinnamon in a medium nonreactive saucepan (see Kitchen note) until combined. Stir in cranberries, apple and juice. Bring the mixture to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring. Continue to cook, stirring, until the mixture thickens and the berries soften, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool.

To prepare cake: Whisk all-purpose flour, whole-wheat flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda in a medium bowl.

Beat oil, butter and lemon zest in a large mixing bowl with an electric mixer, first on medium speed, then on medium-high, until well combined, about 11/2 minutes. Gradually add 3/4 cup sugar, beating until the mixture is light in color and well blended. Add egg and beat until the batter is smooth, about 1 minute longer. With the mixer on low speed, beat in half the flour mixture until just incorporated. Gradually beat in milk and vanilla until just incorporated. Add the remaining flour mixture and beat until a smooth batter forms, about 1 minute, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan, spreading to the edges. Spread the topping in an even layer over the batter; do not stir.

Bake the cake on the middle rack until the top is puffed in places and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean (the fruit topping will still be moist), 40 to 50 minutes. Sprinkle the remaining 1 tablespoon sugar over the top. Transfer the pan to a wire rack; let stand until cooled to warm, about 20 minutes. To serve, run a knife along the edge of the pan, remove the pan sides and cut the cake into wedges.

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Banana Walnut Sour Cream Bread

Yield:  Makes 8 servings

 

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 cup Daisy Brand Sour Cream

1/2 cup vegetable oil

1/4 cup milk

2 eggs

1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup mashed ripe bananas

2 cups all purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup toasted chopped walnuts

 

DIRECTIONS

Heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine sugar, sour cream, vegetable oil, milk, eggs, and vanilla in a large bowl; beat until creamy. Add bananas; continue beating until well mixed. Add flour, baking soda, and salt; beat at low speed until moistened. Gently stir in walnuts. Spread into 4 greased 3-by-5-inch baking pans. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; turn out of pan. Cool completely. Cut into slices. Store covered.

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Muffin-Tin Crab Cakes

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  40 Minutes

Yield:  6 servings, 2 cakes each

We've taken the frying and fuss out of crab cakes by shaping and baking them in muffin tins. For the best taste, look for pasteurized crabmeat in the refrigerator case at your market's fish counter, a better choice than canned varieties. Make It a Meal: Try these cakes with some tangy tartar sauce and coleslaw.

Make Ahead Tip: Cover and refrigerate for up to 2 days. Reheat in the microwave or serve cold.

INGREDIENTS

1 pound  crabmeat

2 cups  fresh whole-wheat breadcrumbs (see Tip)

1/2   red bell pepper, minced

3   scallions, sliced

1/4 cup  reduced-fat mayonnaise

2   large eggs

1   large egg white

10 dashes  hot sauce

1/2 teaspoon  celery salt

1/4 teaspoon  freshly ground pepper

6   lemon wedges for garnish

Tip: To make fresh breadcrumbs: Trim crusts from firm sandwich bread. Tear bread into pieces and process in a food processor until a coarse crumb forms. One slice of bread makes about 1/3 cup crumbs.

 

 DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Generously coat a 12-cup nonstick muffin pan with cooking spray.

Mix crab, breadcrumbs, bell pepper, scallions, mayonnaise, eggs, egg white, hot sauce, celery salt and pepper in a large bowl until well combined. Divide mixture evenly among muffin cups. Bake until crispy and cooked through, 20 to 25 minutes. Serve with lemon wedges.

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Fable of the porcupine  It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm.  This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.   

  

 After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone  and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.  They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. 

 

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities. 

 

The moral of the story is:  Just learn to live with the pricks in your life! 

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QUOTES:

George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

Emo Philips

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

Fred Allen

"The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."

CONFUCIOUS SAYS:  Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses. 

THINGS TO PONDER:  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Alligators 

A blonde camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog, despite signs saying: "No Swimming - Alligators." 

She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. 

"Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. 

"Sure," the blonde said. "But, I didn't think it applied to me." 

-----------------------

Ancient Chinese Proverb 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. 

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. 

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but monkey hindquarters. 

------------------------

Canaries 

A lady went to a pet shop. "I would like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. 

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. 

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. 

But the pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet." 

----------------------------

Great Italian Sex 

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I 

rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!' 

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I 

rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!' 

The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had 

sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she 

screamed for over six hours!' 

The other two were stunned.. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What 

could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?' 

The Italian man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.' 

 

******************************

Steve Martin

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."

P. J. O'Rourke

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

Andy Warhol

"I am a deeply superficial person."

==============================

Round of Golf 

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. 

"Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said. 

"Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do." 

------------------------

Men are like fine wine. 

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it is our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. 

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Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

Chicken and Shrimp Jambalaya

Yield:  Serves 4 to 6

Because andouille varies in spiciness, we suggest tasting a piece of the cooked sausage and then adjusting the amount of cayenne in the jambalaya to suit your taste. If you can’t find andouille, try tasso, chorizo, or linguiça; if using chorizo or linguiça, consider doubling the amount of cayenne. The onion, celery, bell pepper, and garlic can be chopped by hand instead of in the food processor. The shrimp don’t need to be deveined, but you can do so if you prefer. If you’re serving only four people, you may choose to skip the shredding step and serve the chicken on the bone.

INGREDIENTS

1 medium onion, peeled, ends trimmed, and quartered lengthwise

1 medium rib of celery, cut crosswise into quarters

1 medium red bell pepper, stem removed, seeded, and quartered lengthwise

5 medium cloves of garlic, peeled

2 teaspoons vegetable oil

4 bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs

8 ounces andouille sausage , halved lengthwise and cut into 1/4-inch pieces

1 1/2 cups long grain white rice (10 ounces)

1 teaspoon table salt

1/2 teaspoon fresh thyme , minced

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (see note)

1 can diced tomatoes (14 1/2-ounce), drained, 1/4 cup juice reserved

1 cup clam juice

1 1/2 cup low-sodium chicken broth

2 bay leaves

1 pound medium shrimp (31 to 35 shrimp per pound), or large shrimp, shelled

2 tablespoons fresh parsley , minced

DIRECTIONS

In food processor, pulse onion, celery, red pepper, and garlic until chopped fine, about 

six 1-second pulses, scraping down sides of bowl once or twice. Do not overprocess; vegetables should not be pureed.

Heat oil in large heavy-bottomed Dutch oven over medium-high heat until shimmering but not smoking, about 2 minutes. Add chicken, skin-side down, and cook until golden brown, about 5 minutes. Using tongs, turn chicken and cook until golden brown on second side, about 3 minutes longer. Transfer chicken to plate and set aside. 

Reduce heat to medium and add andouille; cook, stirring frequently, until browned, about 3 minutes. Using slotted spoon, transfer sausage to paper towel-lined plate and set aside.

Reduce heat to medium-low, add vegetables, and cook, stirring occasionally and scraping bottom of pot with wooden spoon, until vegetables have softened, about 4 minutes. Add rice, salt, thyme, and cayenne; cook, stirring frequently, until rice is coated with fat, about 1 minute. Add tomatoes, reserved tomato juice, clam juice, chicken broth, bay leaves, and browned sausage to pot; stir to combine. Remove and discard skin from chicken; place chicken, skinned-side down, on rice. Bring to boil, reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes. Stir once, keeping chicken on top, skinned-side down. Replace cover and continue to simmer until chicken is no longer pink when cut into with paring knife, about 10 minutes more; transfer chicken to clean plate and set aside. Scatter shrimp over rice, cover, and continue to cook until rice is fully tender and shrimp are opaque and cooked through, about 5 minutes more.

While shrimp are cooking, shred chicken. When shrimp are cooked, discard bay leaves; off heat, stir in parsley and shredded chicken, and serve immediately.

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Jambalaya

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour

Yield:  Makes 12 servings

INGREDIENTS

1 3/4 quarts chicken broth, or four 13 3/4-ounce cans

1 1/2 pounds medium shrimp, peeled, shells reserved

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 pound andouille, Cajun, or other spicy sausage

1 cup chopped celery

2 cups chopped green bell peppers

2 cups chopped onions

1 serrano or 2 jalapeno peppers, chopped

4 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup diced tomatoes

1/2 cup tomato juice

1/2 cup tomato paste

2 bay leaves

1/2 teaspoon crushed red chili flakes

1/4 teaspoon salt (optional)

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 1/2 cups long-grain rice

1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil, or 1 teaspoon dried

Chopped scallions or onions for garnish

DIRECTIONS

In a large stockpot, bring the chicken broth and reserved shrimp shells to a simmer. Let simmer for 10 minutes. Then strain and set the broth aside until ready to use in step three.

In a second large stockpot, heat the vegetable oil, then slice the sausage into 1/4-inch rounds, and cook it until lightly browned. Add the celery, bell peppers, and onions. Cook for about 10 minutes. Add the chilies and garlic and sauté for 5 minutes more. Stir in the diced tomatoes, tomato juice, tomato paste, and bay leaves.

Add the strained shellfish-flavored chicken broth and the crushed red chili flakes. Season the mixture with a little salt and pepper. Add the long-grain rice, cover the pot, and simmer for 15 to 18 minutes.

Finally, stir in the basil and add the shrimp. Cook for 5 minutes longer with the cover off. Be sure that the rice is almost cooked before you add the shrimp, so the shrimp won't overcook.

Serve in bowls and garnish with scallions or onions.

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Pineapple Heaven Cake

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour 30 Minutes

Quick ,easy, extra moist and delicious!

 INGREDIENTS

Cake:

1 boxed yellow cake mix

1 large can crushed pineapple in juice

3 eggs

1/2 cup water and all of juice from pineapple

1/3 cup canola oil

1/2 can sweetened condensed milk

Icing:

8oz. reduced calorie cream cheese

1/2  stick softened butter

2 cups sifted powdered sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

chopped pecans for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Cake:

Mix all ingredients with electric mixer on medium for 2 minutes. Pour into greased 11x13" greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes or until cake tester comes out clean. Cool. Turn out onto serving platter or dish. Cool completely.

Icing:

Cream butter and cream cheese with electric mixer until smooth. Gradually add sifted powdered sugar and vanilla and continue to beat until smooth and creamy. Frost top and sides and garnish top with chopped pecans. Cut into squares and serve.

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IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this

HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says,

'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you

the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7

feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3

pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

***********************

CONFUCIOUS SAYS:  Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself. 

THINGS TO PONDER:  Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

  - Katharine Whitehorn

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.  - Samuel Johnson

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.

  - Unknown

==========================

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her

company at home.

She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it

wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun

to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately

spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.

The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking

and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first

that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says

pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the

bird. She said she would buy it anyway.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it

to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,

and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought

that's not so bad.

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned

from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and

said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than

began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the

woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and

said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

------------------------

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young 

woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady 

whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."

When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A

moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. 

"Won't you sit down?"

After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. 

You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a

professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred

dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and

I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."

"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like 

you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go 

upstairs."

When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's 

something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."

"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,

I was hoping you would give me a discount."

"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty

percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any

profit!"

----------------------------

Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road? 

     She just did, alright!! 

----------------------

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he 

got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. 

I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left 

me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally 

submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work 

do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

------------------

Conquests 

An infamous womanizer with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. 

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife." 

"So stop," the barkeep said. 

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "That jerk didn't sign his name!" 

-----------------------

Pet Humor 

Q: What composer is the favorite among dogs? 

A: Poochini. 

Q: What do you call a cat that sings just like Pavarotti?

A: Mewsical. 

Q: What do you call a cat that meows all night and loses its voice?

A: Mewtilated. 

-------------------

Dyslexic Lawyer 

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam? 

------------------------------

Viagra 

My wife noticed that the couples in all of those Viagra commercials are always dancing. 

Now she wants me to try it. She thinks it will improve my dancing. 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"Rest in Me when you need perfect understanding and tender loving friendship." -- GOD

Growing Strong in the Broken Places 

"But he said to me , 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."1

Do you ever feel that God can't use you because you aren't qualified? If so, you're in good company. Many of us feel the same way. In fact, there were very few men or women in the Bible who were used of God who didn't have a personal struggle or challenge of one kind or another. Moses and Mary weren't the only ones who didn't feel qualified for the work God was calling them to do! 

An unknown author has pointed out that "Moses stuttered. John Mark was rejected by Paul. Timothy had ulcers. Hosea's wife was a prostitute. Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning. Jacob lied. David had an affair. Solomon had too many wives and concubines. Jesus was too poor and wasn't schooled in the right religious institutions. Abraham and Sarah were too old. David was too young. Peter was impulsive. John had a temper. Naomi was a widow. Paul was a murderer, as was Moses. Jonah ran from God. Gideon and Thomas both doubted. Jeremiah was depressed. Elijah was burned out. Martha worried too much. Matthew was a despised tax-gatherer. Noah had a drinking problem." 

It was Ernest Hemingway who first wrote about the world breaking us all but some grow strong in the broken places. The idea behind these words is that where a bone is broken and heals, it becomes the strongest part of the bone. The same is true of our broken places—where we have been hurt, have fallen, or failed. When we bring these to Christ for healing, his strength is then made perfect in and through our weaknesses. This is certainly true in ministering to other people. Our friends are not helped so much by our brilliant logic or persuasive speech[,] as they are through honest sharing of our own struggles and how, with God's help, we have overcome. As one speaker put it, sharing our faith in Christ is just a case of one beggar showing another beggar where to find bread!

God, of course, doesn't want us to stay stuck in our sins and problems. While he loves and accepts us as we are, and uses us as we are, he loves us too much to leave us as we are. But never think that you have too little talent or too many hurts or problems for God to use you. The key issue is to be available. Everyone that God has ever used has had their weaknesses, sins, and failings. But they were available, and they have been remembered for what God did through their lives. God will do the same for you and me as we make ourselves available for him to use every day.

1. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV).

Paul’s Vision and His Thorn

 1 I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3 And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4 was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. 5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

dreadnought • DRED-nawt  â€¢ noun 

1 : a warm garment of thick cloth; also : the cloth 

2 : battleship 

3 : one that is among the largest or most powerful of its kind 

Examples:

 "In 1941, the German battleship Bismarck sank the British dreadnought HMS Hood in the North Atlantic, killing all but three of the 1,418 men on board." -- From a "This Day in History" article by the Associated Press, May 24, 2011 

"But a plain old Pontiac Bonneville, dating from the mid-'60s, is more impressive for its latent historical integrity…. In my neighborhood, this dreadnought from the V-8 era of pre-EPA profligacy has been haunting the curb for months." -- From an article by Brian Miller in the Seattle Weekly , 

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Calico Cat Tip

Calico cats, with their orange, black and white coloration, are almost always female. The reason why has to do with genetics. The gene for black or orange coat color is on the X chromosome. Each patch of hair color starts with one cell. If that cell has an active orange X chromosome, a patch of orange will develop. If the cell has an active black X chromosome, black with develop. The black X chromosome and orange X chromosome are never active at the same time.

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DOG TIPS

REMEMBER - NEVER ever leave your dog in a car! Not even for a minute.

Dangerous Conditions: How Heat and Humidity Affect Your Dog

  

You checked the temperature before taking your dog out on a morning run. When the door opens, however, the two of you are greeted by a blast of heat. The temperature seems much hotter than it actually is.

Although the thermometer may read 75 degrees Fahrenheit, the Temperature-Humidity Index makes it feel much hotter. The index is a term used since 1959 to indicate the degree of discomfort caused by the combination of temperature and humidity in warm weather. The Temperature-Humidity Index (usually just called the Heat Index) is like the wind chill factor during winter when the wind makes the temperature feel colder than it actually is.

Temperature and humidity (the amount of water vapor in the air) are factors translated by equations into an index that ranges from 43 to 103. In humid air, perspiration does not evaporate as readily, making it difficult for people and animals to cool down efficiently.

As the humidity increases, the environment feels warmer than it actually is. This perception is expressed by the heat index. An apparent temperature, or heat index, of 105 F can be reached when the air temperature is only 90 F, and the relative humidity is 70 percent.

An apparent body temperature of about 105 F makes heat stroke possible. With a heat index of 130 F or higher, heat stroke is extremely likely. It does not take extremely high ambient temperatures to produce heat-related illnesses.

Heat-related illnesses include heat stroke, heat exhaustion and heat cramps, and can occur after exposure to extremely high environmental temperatures. All of these illnesses can occur in all mammals and all can be prevented by taking adequate precautions.

Those at risk

Those at greatest risk of heat-related illness include: 

Puppies and kittens up to 6 months of age

Geriatric pets (large breed dogs over 7 years of age, small breed dogs over 14 years of age, cats over 12 years of age)

Pets who are overweight 

Pets who overexert during work or exercise

Pets who are ill or on certain medications

Brachycephalic pets (such as bulldogs or pugs) or pets with a history of an airway obstruction

Those with fever, dehydration, heart disease or poor circulation

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Heat Stroke

Heat stroke is a condition arising from extremely high body temperature (rectal temperature of 105 to 110 degrees Fahrenheit), which leads to nervous system abnormalities that may include lethargy, weakness, collapse or coma. Abnormally high body temperature (also called hyperthermia) develops after increased muscular activity with impaired ability to give off heat due to high heat and humidity or respiratory obstruction. Allowing a dog to remain in a car with closed windows on a hot summer day is probably the most common cause of heat stroke.

Normal dogs dissipate heat from their skin. In addition, panting allows

Heat Stroke Symptoms HealthyAdvice.com/stroke Answers to your questions onHeat Stroke Symptoms

Dog food cancer K9PetAssist.com Hi fat and protein, low carbs.What every dog owner should know.

evaporation of water from the respiratory tract and is an effective method of heat dissipation. When these mechanisms are overwhelmed, hyperthermia and heat stroke usually develop. The elevation in body temperature stimulates the body to release substances that activate inflammation. At temperatures greater than 109 Fahrenheit, failure of vital organs, and consequently death, can occur.

Heat-related illnesses, including heat stroke, heat exhaustion and heat cramps can occur after exposure to extremely high environmental temperatures. These illnesses occur in all mammals and can be prevented by taking proper precautions.

Animals at greatest risk for heat-related illness include:

Puppies up to 6 months of age

 Overweight dogs

Dogs overexerted during exercise

Dogs that are ill or receiving certain medications

Brachycephalic breeds (dogs with short, wide heads like pugs, English bulldogs, Boston terriers)

Dogs with obstructive airway diseases 

Dogs with pre-existing fever

Dogs that are dehydrated

Dogs with heart disease

Dogs with poor circulation due to cardiovascular or other underlying disease

Older pets (large breed dogs over 7 years of age, small breed dogs over 14 years of age)

Pets with a history of seizures

What to Watch For

Noisy breathing that may indicate upper airway obstruction

Excessive panting

Bright red mucous membranes (gums, conjunctiva of the eyes)

Weakness

Collapse

Coma

Altered mentation

Petechiae (pinpoint hemorrhages on the gums and/or skin)

Diagnosis

Diagnostic tests are needed to diagnose heat stroke and assess the extent of vital organ dysfunction, including:

A complete medical history and thorough physical examination, including rectal temperature.

A complete blood count (CBC or hemogram) to assess the severity of dehydration and cardiovascular stress.

Tests of coagulation including: activated coagulation time (ACT); prothrombin time (OSPT); partial thromboplastin time (APTT); serum fibrinogen concentration; platelet count; and fibrin degradation products (FDPs) to identify the presence of disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) a life-threatening body-wide failure of blood clotting that is often a complication of heat stroke. The presence of breakdown products of fibrin (called fibrin degradation products) can serve as an important clue to the presence of DIC.

Serum biochemistry tests to check blood glucose concentration, assess the extent of damage to vital organs, such as muscles, kidneys and liver, and to evaluate the electrolyte and acid base status.

Treatment 

Intensity of treatment depends upon the cause and severity of the heat illness. 

Mildly increased temperature (less than 105 F) may only require rest, a fan to increase air circulation, fresh water to drink and careful observation.

Temperatures of 105 to 107 F should be hospitalized on intravenous fluids and other medications.

Markedly increased temperature (greater than 107 F) must be treated more aggressively. Cooling can be promoted externally by immersion in cool water, or internally by administering a cool water enema.

Underlying aggravating conditions, such as upper airway obstructive diseases, heart disease, pulmonary disease and dehydration may be treated with appropriate medications, supplemental oxygen or fluid therapy.

Treatment with cortisone-like drugs such as short-acting forms of dexamethasone or prednisone may be recommended.

The need for additional treatments depends on the severity of heat stroke and secondary complications that may arise. Complications of heat stroke may include:

Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC)

Liver failure

Acute kidney failure

Muscle breakdown

Low blood pressure (hypotension)

Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)

Convulsions (seizures)

Secondary infections (including pneumonia)

Gastrointestinal problems including bleeding and absorption of bacteria or toxins from the intestine with development of systemic infection (sepsis)

Home Care and Prevention

Heat stroke is a life-threatening emergency. Check your dog's temperature rectally if you suspect heatstroke. Normal body temperature in dogs is higher than in humans (99.5 to 102.5 F as compared to 98.6 F). If your dog's temperature is over 105 F, call your veterinarian and remove your dog from the heat source immediately.

Meanwhile, place a cool, wet towel over your dog or place him in a cool water bath. Do not use ice because it may cause skin injury.

There are several things you can do to prevent heat related problems for your dog:

Monitor outdoor temperature and minimize your dog's activity on hot, humid days.

Limit sun exposure during the hours of 11 AM to 3 PM on hot days.

Walk or exercise your dog in the morning or evening.

Keep your dog in a comfortable environment (air-conditioned room or partially open windows with a breeze) during extremely hot weather.

NEVER leave your dog in a car (even with the windows partially rolled down) for any reason at any time. Leaving dogs in a car during warm weather is the most common cause of heat stroke.

Provide your dog with plenty of fresh water and plenty of shade. Take extra care with puppies, pets with medical problems, obese pets and senior pets.

If possible, allow your dog to acclimate gradually to high temperatures. Heat illness is common in the spring when the animal has not had sufficient time to acclimate to the warmer temperatures.

After traveling to a warmer climate, allow your dog several days to become acclimated before allowing any vigorous exercise.

Other medical problems can lead to symptoms similar to those encountered in heat stroke. These conditions should be excluded before establishing a definitive diagnosis of heat stroke:

 Anxiety

 Drug intoxication causing hyperactivity or seizures

 Intense exercise

 Fever

 Hyperthyroidism (overactivity of the thyroid gland)

 Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar concentration) resulting in seizures

 Hypocalcemia (low blood calcium concentration) resulting in increased muscle activity or seizures)

 Malignant hyperthermia (greatly increased body temperature)

 Abnormality of the temperature regulation center in the hypothalamus of the brain

 Seizures of any cause

Veterinary care should include diagnostic tests and subsequent treatment recommendations.

Diagnosis In-depth

Certain tests are needed to confirm the diagnosis of heat stroke and exclude other diseases that may cause similar symptoms. Your veterinarian will take a complete medical history and perform a thorough physical examination. The following emergency tests may also be included: 

Packed cell volume or PCV. This is a simple test to evaluate your dog for anemia. It determines the percentage of the blood occupied by red blood cells, which is normally 35 to 55 percent in dogs. Total plasma protein concentration (TP) evaluates the hydration status (water will be lost from the blood during dehydration resulting in a higher concentration of proteins in blood).

Activated clotting time (ACT) to evaluate for a life-threatening, body-wide disorder called disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), which can result in consumption of the body's clotting proteins and ultimately the inability of the blood to clot.

Blood urea nitrogen (BUN) and serum creatinine concentrations to evaluate kidney function since acute kidney failure can complicate heat stroke.

Blood glucose and electrolyte (sodium, potassium, chloride) concentrations to evaluate for body wide infection (sepsis) and metabolic abnormalities that can complicate heat stroke.

Additional Tests

Your veterinarian may recommend additional diagnostic tests to exclude or diagnose other conditions or to better understand the impact of heat stroke. These tests insure optimal medical care and are selected on a case-by-case basis. Examples include:

Complete blood count (CBC or hemogram) to evaluate your dog's hydration and to evaluate for the presence of blood loss, low platelet concentration or inflammation.

Serum biochemistry tests including tests of kidney function (blood urea nitrogen, serum creatinine and serum phosphorus concentrations), liver function (alanine aminotransferase, aspartate aminotransferase, alkaline phosphatase) and muscle function (creatine kinase).

Specialized tests of clotting function including prothrombin time (OSPT), partial thromboplastin time (APTT), platelet count, fibrinogen, and fibrin degradation products to identify the presence of disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), which may complicate heat stroke. The presence of "fibrin degradation products" indicates that fibrin (the active form of the blood clotting protein fibrinogen) has been broken down and supports the diagnosis of disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC).

Blood gas analysis may show abnormalities in body wide acid base balance including metabolic acidosis due to poor circulation and kidney failure or respiratory alkalosis from excessively rapid breathing.

Routine urinalysis to identify leakage of protein including the muscle protein myoglobin, which can damage the kidneys and cause acute kidney failure. Damaged kidney cells may be sloughed into the kidney tubules and form microscopic casts that indicate ongoing damage to the kidneys.

An electrocardiogram (ECG or EKG) may be recommended if arrhythmias are suspected. Arrhythmias are a relatively common complication of heat stroke.

Treatment In-depth

Treatment of heat stroke must be individualized and based on the severity of the condition and other factors that must be analyzed by your veterinarian. Treatments may include:

 If your dog has mild heat illness (rectal temperature of more than 102.5 F but less than 105 F), therapy may entail rest, increased air circulation using a fan, fresh water to drink and careful observation. With temperatures between 105 to 107 F, hospitalization and aggressive medical therapy likely will be recommended. If

complications (arrhythmias, kidney failure, liver failure, gastrointestinal bleeding, cerebral edema, and/or disseminated intravascular coagulation) have occurred, additional treatments will be necessary. 

 Dogs with temperatures greater than 107 F should be treated more aggressively. Cooling can be accomplished externally with cool water baths, application of alcohol to the footpads, enhanced air circulation using a fan, and careful placement of ice packs over areas with large superficial blood vessels (neck, groin, armpit). Internal cooling methods include intravenous administration cool electrolyte solutions, cool water enemas, lavage of the stomach with cool water, or peritoneal dialysis with cool electrolyte solutions (instillation of cool electrolyte solutions into the peritoneal cavity by means of a catheter). These methods are rarely necessary.

 Underlying conditions, such as heart disease, respiratory disease and dehydration should be treated with

Close monitoring of your dog is necessary to guide treatment. You and your veterinarian will have to evaluate your dog's rectal temperature, heart rate and rhythm, respiratory rate, blood pressure, urine output, level of consciousness, pinpoint hemorrhages on the gums or bruising of the skin, vomiting, diarrhea or gastrointestinal bleeding. 

The anti-clotting medication heparin may be recommended to prevent disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) or if your dog is in the early stages of this life-threatening complication. Plasma that has been frozen soon after collection (fresh frozen plasma) may be administered to provide clotting factors in cases of DIC after your pet has been treated with heparin to prevent ongoing coagulation. Sometimes heparin is mixed in with the fresh frozen plasma.

Mannitol may be used to reduce cerebral edema if it is suspected. 

The drugs dopamine and furosemide may be used to dilate blood vessels to the kidneys and to increase urinary excretion of salt and water, respectively. These treatments are given when acute kidney failure due to heat stroke is suspected.

Sucralfate is a coating agent that can be used to limit gastrointestinal bleeding.

Cimetidine and omeprazole are drugs that can be used to decrease acid secretion by the stomach and reduce the risk of gastrointestinal bleeding.

Antibiotics may be administered to treat suspected bacterial infection.

Dextrose (sugar) may be added to your dog's intravenous electrolyte solution to prevent or treat low blood sugar concentration (hypoglycemia).

The short-acting anti-convulsant agent diazepam may be recommended for seizures. Other seizure medications such as Phenobarbital may also be needed if diazepam is ineffective. 

The anti-arrhythmic agent lidocaine may be used to treat certain heart rhythm disturbances (rapid ventricular tachycardia).

Prognosis

The prognosis is variable. The prognosis depends on the severity of the clinical signs, response to treatment and secondary complications. Pets that are extremely mentally depressed or that have active signs of hemorrhage have a poorer prognosis.

Optimal treatment for your dog requires a combination of home and professional veterinary care. Follow-up is crucial. Administer any medications prescribed by your veterinarian and contact your veterinarian if you are experiencing problems treating your dog.

Observe your dog's activity level and appetite. Monitor his skin for bruising and gums for pinpoint hemorrhages.

Your dog should be re-examined after 3 to 7 days to evaluate serum biochemical tests and an electrocardiogram (ECG or EKG) if arrhythmias were detected during hospitalization.

The actual follow-up procedure employed will depend on the severity of your dog's heat illness, his response to therapy, and your veterinarian's recommendations.

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Keeping Your Dog Cool in the Summer

 As the cooler spring weather gives way to the hot summer months, you'll be spending more time outside with your dog, walking and playing in the sunshine. But while you are having fun, you will need to keep your dog cool to protect him from heat-related illness and injury.

Sunburn

Most people don't think about their pets getting sunburned but they certainly can. White and lightly colored pets can suffer sunburn just as we can if they experience too much exposure to the sun. Long-term sun exposure can lead to skin damage and in some cases skin cancers. Limit the amount of time your fair-haired pets stay in direct sunlight. Even basking in a sunny window counts as time in the sun. If any type of discoloration or sore appears, consult your veterinarian for a check-up. Areas that are commonly affected are the ears, eyelids and nose.

Heat Injury

Heat injury occurs when a dog's body temperature exceeds his ability to cool himself.

Unlike people, your dog's normal body temperature ranges between 100 and 102.5 degrees Fahrenheit. When body temperature elevates above 106 F, normal cooling mechanisms are overwhelmed, which results in a serious condition requiring intervention and medical treatment. This type of temperature elevation is different from a fever, which is a normal response to inflammation or infection. The severity of the heat injury can range from a mild/moderate temperature increase called heat stress/ prostration (103 to 105 F) to a potentially life threatening condition referred to as heat stroke (106 F and higher). Certain breeds are more prone to heat injury than others. Large double-coated breeds like the chow chow are particularly susceptible. Dogs bred for life in cold climates such as malamutes, huskies, American Eskimos and Newfoundlands often have little tolerance for heat and humidity. Dogs with shorter faces such as bulldogs, pugs, shar-peis and Boston terriers have less ability to cope with a heat load due to their short and narrow respiratory systems.

Heat stress can happen quite rapidly, sometimes only in a few minutes, especially in dogs that live primarily indoors. Even pets that live or spend a lot of time outside can succumb to the heat if their cooling mechanisms are exceeded by weather extremes.

Preventing Heat Stroke

For many dogs, especially the double-coated breeds mentioned, a summer hair cut can relieve heat stress. A good groomer can clip your dog's coat to a comfortable few inches so they can more easily dissipate the heat. Do not have your pet shaved down to the skin as this eliminates the natural protection of the hair coat and predisposes your pet to sunburn and other injury.

In the heat of midday, keep your dog indoors in either air conditioning or in a well-ventilated area with circulating fans. 

If you have a pet that enjoys water, keeping a small pool of water outside provides a fun and cooling environment. Be sure there is just enough water to play in, the water depth should not come over your dog's head. If a pool is not available, a spray from a hose will help. To get your dog used to the hose, start by trickling a small amount of water on the feet and gently move up until your pet gets used to the water. Never blast water at a dog who is not used to the hose.

Limit Exercise Time

Even if your dog accompanies you everyday on a walk or jog, certain weather extremes may call for some changes. Limit vigorous exercise to early morning and after sunset or eliminate long walks/jogs until the weather cools. Also remember that dogs can burn the pads of their feet on hot pavement.

Don't forget that any dog left outside in summer weather needs shade, shelter, food and fresh water. Never leave your dog in a car. Your car can reach 120 F in minutes, even on a cool day and exceed your dog's cooling capacity. In the event of a heat emergency, cool your dog with tepid water; do not use cold water. A fan will help to cool and circulate air. Call your veterinarian immediately, even if your pet seems to have recovered.

Be aware that the outside temperature may actually be warmer than what the thermometer reads. The heat index, a measure of the temperature and relative humidity, makes it more difficult for a body to cool down by perspiration. A temperature of 85 F can actually feel closer to 100 F (or higher) depending on the index.

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Crab Cakes with Sweet and Sour Orange Sauce

Active Time:  25 Minutes

Total Time:  40 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 4

This is adapted from the recipe for crab cakes served at one of San Francisco's best French restaurants, La Folie.

INGREDIENTS

For the Crab Cakes:

1 tablespoon mayonnaise

1 tablespoon lemon juice

2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

1/3 cup shredded raw celery root

10 ounces crab meat

3/4 cup panko (Japanese breadcrumbs)

1/4 cup olive oil

For the Sauce:

1/2 cup unseasoned rice vinegar

1/2 cup orange juice

1/2 cup finely julienned carrot

1/2 head frisee lettuce, torn into pieces

1 ripe but firm avocado, peeled, pitted, cubed

1 cup red and yellow cherry tomatoes, halved

DIRECTIONS

FOR THE CRAB CAKES:

Mix first 3 ingredients in large bowl to blend. Mix in celery root, crab meat and breadcrumbs. Refrigerate 15 minutes. Shape mixture into eight 3/4-inch-thick cakes. Heat oil in large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until very hot. Fry crab cakes until golden brown and heated through, about 4 minutes per side.

FOR THE SAUCE:

Simmer vinegar, orange juice and carrot in small saucepan until liquid is reduced to 1/2 cup, about 8 minutes.

TO SERVE:

Divide frisee lettuce evenly among 4 plates. Top each with 2 crab cakes. Garnish with avocado and tomatoes. Drizzle a sauce around crab cakes and serve.

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Banana Corn Fritters

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  5 servings, 2 cakes each

Savory, smoky and slightly sweet, these are great with roast pork loin, a hearty bowl of black bean soup or barbecued chicken legs and coleslaw. Dotted with creme fraiche, they make an exotic appetizer.

Make Ahead Tip: Reheat at 350 degrees F for 15 to 20 minutes.

INGREDIENTS

3/4 cup  yellow cornmeal

1/2 cup  all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon  baking powder

1/2 teaspoon  salt

1/2 teaspoon  ground cinnamon

1/4-1/2 teaspoon  ground chipotle chile (see Ingredient note) or cayenne pepper

1 1/4 cups  roughly mashed bananas (about 3 medium)

1   large egg

2 tablespoons  milk or buttermilk

2 tablespoons  canola oil, divided

Ingredient Note:  Chipotle peppers are dried, smoked jalapeno peppers, often used to add heat and a smoky flavor to foods. Ground chipotle can be found in the specialty-spice section of most supermarkets.

 

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.

Whisk cornmeal, flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and chipotle (or cayenne) in a medium bowl. Mix banana, egg and milk (or buttermilk) in another medium bowl. Add the cornmeal mixture to the banana mixture and stir until just incorporated.

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to medium; using 2 tablespoons of batter for each, space 5 fritters evenly in the pan. Cook until golden brown, 30 seconds to 2 minutes per side. Transfer to the prepared baking sheet. Cook a second batch with the remaining oil and batter, adjusting heat to prevent burning.

Transfer the fritters to the oven and bake until puffed and firm to the touch, 8 to 10 minutes.

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Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

REMINDERS FROM GOD:

Materialism 

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."1

According to an article in The Community Visitor, Abraham Lincoln was walking down the street in Springfield holding the hands of his two sons, both of whom were crying lustily.

"What's the matter with the boys, Abe?" asked a neighbor. Lincoln replied, "The matter with them is the matter with the world. One has a nut, and the other one wants it."

Need I say more? Our Scripture for today says it all.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be a giver and not a taker—a giver of friendship, a giver of kindness, a giver of understanding, a giver of my possessions, a giver of love, and a giver of myself. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen." 

1. Luke 12:15 (NIV).

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

eccentricik-SEN-trik

DEFINITION

adjective

1a : deviating from an established or usual pattern or style

b : deviating from conventional or accepted usage or conduct

2a : deviating from a circular path; especially : elliptical

b : located elsewhere than at the geometrical center; also : having the axis or support so located

EXAMPLES

Down the road from us lives an eccentric old man who claims that he can communicate with the birds that roost in his yard.

"Behind him at a distance, golfers on the university course attempted to lop small white balls onto large, green, eccentric circles of really short grass." -- From an article by Ed Cullen in The Advocate (Baton Rouge, LA), April 19, 2011

DID YOU KNOW?

"Eccentric" comes to us through Middle English from the Medieval Latin word "eccentricus," but it is ultimately derived from a combination of the Greek words "ex," meaning "out of," and "kentron," meaning "center." The original meaning of "eccentric" in English was "not having the same center" (as in "eccentric spheres"). In this sense, it contrasts with "concentric," meaning "having a common center" (as in "concentric circles, one within another"). But since at least 1630, English speakers have also used "eccentric" to describe individuals who are figuratively off-center. It can also be used to describe something that doesn't follow a truly circular path, as in "an eccentric orbit."

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Coca Cola Brisket

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 2 hours, 0 minutes

Ready In: 2 hours, 30 minutes  

Brisket is a tough meat and requires special care in preparation to make it a tender and flavorful dish. After cooking the brisket to a high internal temperature, a resting period is required to allow the hot juices that have escaped during the cooking process to be reabsorbed into the brisket. Refresh yourself!

 

Ingredients

1 brisket 6 to 8 pounds

1 can Coca Cola 12oz

1 bottle chili sauce 12oz

1 packet dried onion soup mix

2 cups bar-b-que sauce any flavor

1 tbsp garlic powder

2 tsp onion powder  

 

Directions

Trim the fat from the brisket. To trim or not to trim the fat is optional in baking brisket. If you choose not to trim before baking, trim fat after baking. Season the brisket with the garlic and onion powder. Mix cola, chili sauce and onion soup mix. Place brisket fat side up in a Dutch oven or 13x9x2 baking dish after lightly spraying with PAM. Pour liquid mixture over brisket and cover tightly with lid or aluminum foil. Bake at 325 degrees for 30 minutes per pound, about 3 1/2 hours or until tender. You may cook the brisket all day at 220 degrees. Pour barbecue sauce in last 30 minutes of baking. Serves 8 to 10.

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Simple Pineapple Cake

General Mills and Pillsbury did not introduce their cake mixes until 1949. The most oft quoted date is 1929 usually mentioning Duncan Hines cake mixes which originally quite lumpy. Now as in other cultures, Cajuns are not too proud to pick up a cake mix at the local grocer. Pineapple is a favorite Cajun flavor and this recipe is the simplest and easiest of all to satisfy the hungry Cajun.

 

Ingredients

1 box pound cake

1 large pineapple can 16oz

 

Directions

Do not drain juice from pineapple can; combine the cake mix and pineapple. Pour in a well oiled pan and bake at 350 for 45 minutes.

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Pineapple Upside-Down Muffins

   

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour

Yield:  1 dozen muffins

Glistening like sticky buns, these unusual muffins are packed with wholesome ingredients--vegetables, fruit and whole grains--so you can feel good about serving them to your family. If you prefer to make simple carrot muffins for lunchboxes or breakfasts-on-the-go, omit the topping; sprinkle 2 tablespoons chopped nuts over the muffins before baking, if desired.

 

INGREDIENTS

For the Topping:

2 tablespoons  packed light brown sugar

2 tablespoons  chopped walnuts or pecans (optional)

1 10-ounce can  pineapple slices

For the Muffins:

3/4 cup  whole-wheat flour

3/4 cup  all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons  baking powder

1/2 teaspoon  baking soda

1/4 teaspoon  salt

1 tablespoon  ground cinnamon

2   large eggs

1/2 cup  packed light brown sugar

1/4 cup  canola oil

2 tablespoons  pineapple juice or orange juice

1 teaspoon  vanilla extract

1 8-ounce can  crushed pineapple (not drained)

1 cup  grated carrot (1 large)

1/2 cup  old-fashioned oats

3/4 cup  raisins, preferably baking raisins (see Ingredient note)

1/4 cup  chopped walnuts or pecans (optional)

Ingredient Note: Baking raisins, moister than regular ones, ensure a better texture. To substitute regular raisins, plump them first: soak in boiling water for 10 minutes; drain well.

 

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Coat 12 muffin cups with cooking spray.

FOR THE TOPPING: 

Sprinkle 1/2 teaspoon brown sugar into each muffin cup. Sprinkle nuts, if using, over the sugar. Stack pineapple slices and cut into 6 wedges. Place 2 wedges in each muffin cup.

FOR THE MUFFINS:

Whisk whole-wheat flour, all-purpose flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in a large bowl.

Whisk eggs and brown sugar in a medium bowl until smooth. Whisk in oil, juice and vanilla. Stir in crushed pineapple. Make a well in the dry ingredients; add the wet ingredients and stir with a rubber spatula until just combined. Stir in carrot, oats, raisins and nuts, if using. Scoop the batter into the prepared muffin cups (they'll be quite full).

Bake the muffins until the tops are golden brown and firm to the touch, 15 to 25 minutes. Immediately loosen edges and turn muffins out onto a baking sheet. Restore any stray pineapple pieces and nuts. Let cool for at least 10 minutes. Serve upside-down, either warm or at room temperature.

***********************

Banana-Orange Muffins

Active Time:  15 Minutes

Total Time:  35 Minutes

Yield:  Makes 12 muffins

 INGREDIENTS

3 egg whites

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup melted margarine

2 small ripe bananas, mashed

3/4 cup orange juice

1-1/2  cups whole-wheat flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

dash of salt

1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

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DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine the egg whites, brown sugar, melted margarine, bananas, and the orange juice.

In a second bowl, combine the remaining dry ingredients. Stir the dry ingredients into the orange-banana mixture.

Divide the batter into 12 muffin cups sprayed with a nonstick vegetable oil spray, like Pam. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes until golden and cooked through. A toothpick or knife inserted in the center of the muffin should come out clean. Cool on a wire rack.

***********************

Cinnamon Roll Cookies

Active Time:  25 Minutes

Total Time:  2 Hours 25 Minutes

Yield:  6 Dozen

Wonderful recipe turning our favorite breakfast time treat into a delectable cookie

INGREDIENTS

2 Cups sugar

1 Cup butter, softened

3 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 Cup sour cream

6 Cups flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

12 tablespoons softened butter, (divided into 6 equal slices (2 tablespoons a slice))

1 1/2 Cups packed light brown sugar, divided into 1/4 Cups

1 1/2 Tablespoons ground cinnamon, divided

Frosting

8 oz softened cream cheese

1/2 Cup powdered sugar

2-4 Tablespoons milk, to thin icing 

DIRECTIONS

1. In an electric or stand mixer, cream the sugar and butter. Add eggs, vanilla and sour cream until well combined. Slowly add in the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt until well combined.

2. In 2 batches, place in plastic wrap in a disc shape and chill for at least 2 hours for best results.

3. Once chilled, cut each disc into thirds and roll into a 1/8 inch thick oval, about 12 inches X 5 inches. Spread each rolled pieces of dough with 2 Tablespoons softened butter, 1/4 Cup packed brown sugar and 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon. Start rolling from the long end closest to you, rolling into a log shape. Using a sharp knife, cut 1/2 inch pieces of dough then placing onto a silpat or parchment lined baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 9-11 minutes. Remove and let cool for 5 minutes before removing from baking sheet.

4. To prepare frosting, beat the cream cheese until softened and smooth, slowly add powdered sugar and milk until desired consistency. Frost cookies then place in refrigerator until ready to serve.

***********************

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus , who had been a seafaring gent all his life , to bury him at sea when he died .

 

Of course , in due time , he did pass away and the boys kept their promise .

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat .

 

After a while Mick says , ' Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out , Paddy ?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing inwater up to his knees . ' Dis'll never do , Mick . Let's row some more ...'

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly , so they row on .

 

Again Mick asks Paddy , ' Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy ?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says , ' No dis ll neva do .' The water was only up to his chest ..

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears .. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath .. ' Well is it deep enuff yet , Paddy ?'

 

WAIT FOR IT

   

'Aye 'tis , NOW hand me dat shovel ..'

  

***********************

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices. 

'My good  man,' the fairy said, 

'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

The man  told the fairy: 

'Well, in  Iraq  where I come  from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold  teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the  Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in  Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long  driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a  sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving  her wand.

The  Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the  English.'

PING ! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a  greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What  happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.   'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy  said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, 

you're entitled to sweet f***  all like the rest of us”.

And she disappeared.

 

 ***********************

CATHOLIC  HORSES 

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

 

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

 

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

 

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

 

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

 

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing longs shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

 

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

 

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.  Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

 

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

 

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

 

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

 

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

***********************

Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard)  "Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..…….Italians make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary."Dough, D O U G H …….. …. my brother makes things with play dough."

                

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

*****************************

QUOTES:

CONFUCIOUS SAYS:  Instead of being concerned that you have no office, be concerned to think how you may fit yourself for office. Instead of being concerned that you are not known, see to the (be?) worthy of being known.  

THINGS TO PONDER:  Where do all the missing socks go?

We are the people our parents warned us about.

  - Jimmy Buffett

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.

  - George Bernard Shaw

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'  - Theodore Roosevelt

"I find that the harder I work, the 

more luck I seem to have."

- Thomas Jefferson

=======================

JOKES:

You might be a REDNECK if...  

    ...you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.  

 

--------------------

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his

neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's

his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase

and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked

the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,

and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the

butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,

"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher

said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up

a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get

at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before

tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the

dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house

where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a

really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

-------------------

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can

see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

----------------------

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close

 to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a

 dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was  pulling on my dick."

"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

-------------------------

What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?

It's ass.

-------------------------

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

 when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've

 heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

 with your fellow passenger.'

 

 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly

 and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

 and he smiles.

 

 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me

 ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the

 same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow

 turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

 Why do you suppose that is?'

 The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

REMINDERS FROM GOD:

Amos 4:2

(2) The Lord GOD has sworn by His holiness: 

" Behold, the days shall come upon you 

When He will take you away with fishhooks, 

And your posterity with fishhooks. 

"The Lord God has sworn by His holiness" - Although not in the habit of swearing oaths—His Word is sufficient—God sometimes does so to focus on the seriousness of a pronouncement. As the writer of Hebrews says, "For when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself" (Hebrews 6:13).

What does God see in Israel that so affronts Him that He has to swear "by His holiness"? Israel had every opportunity that the Gentiles did not have: His calling, His promises, His Word, His laws. He gave the Israelites these gifts to help them develop into His sons and daughters, but God sees them as diametrically opposite of Himself. Should not God expect to see some of His characteristics in His sons?

A simple illustration from the author's experience in visiting a family may help in understanding this point. Parents often show their pride by prominently displaying a photograph of their children, and these parents were no different. In this case, three of the four children bore a strong resemblance to their parents, but the fourth child was so noticeably different that it was obviously either an adopted child or the product of adultery.

God says, "I have children who bear no spiritual resemblance to me." He shows the cause to have been spiritual adultery—going after other gods and other ways of life.

"I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against Me; the ox knows its owner and the donkey its master's crib; but Israel does not know, My people do not consider." Alas, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, a brood of evildoers, children who are corrupters! They have forsaken the Lord, they have provoked to anger the Holy One of Israel, they have turned away backward. (Isaiah 1:2-4)

A dumb ox and donkey show more sense and appreciation to their masters than Israel did to her Father! Instead, she rebelled against Him!

God gave Israel many advantages—His law, His providence, His protection—to allow His people to live His way of life, but they turned their backs on Him and followed the ways of other gods. Paul shows how illogical this is:

For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live. (I Corinthians 8:5-6)

Since we have complete dependence upon God for life as our Designer, Lifegiver, and Sustainer, He has complete authority over how we should live. Among the multiple pantheons of gods, only one God lives the way a God ought to live. This particular God—the God of Israel—is holy, that is, He alone is transcendentally different, superior, and separate. He has called His people to be holy (I Peter 1:15-16). It follows that a holy person must be different in the way that God is different.

From God's holiness flows His love—outgoing concern for others, His outstanding attribute. When God looked on Israel, however, He saw a whole nation, from her culture to her government to her religion, organized on the basis of human self-concern. God wanted to see clear evidence of godly living, by which He could verify their claims of being His people. In Israel, He saw no such evidence, but instead a people in opposition to Him in every area of life. Spiritual adultery had occurred.

**************************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

megrim MEE-grim, noun:

1. A migraine.

2. A fancy; a whim.

3. In the plural: lowness of spirits -- often with 'the'. 

That might justify her, fairly enough, in being kept away from meeting now and again by headaches, or undefined megrims.

-- Harold Frederic, The Damnation of Theron Ware

Tonight, by some megrim of the scheduler, I have the honor of working with the departmental chairman, Dr. B.

-- Pamela Grim, Just Here Trying to Save a Few Lives

They do say it's always darkest before the dawn, she thought. I reckon this is proof of it. I've got the megrims, that's all.

-- Stephens Mitchell, Scarlett

Kate had learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with Effie's megrims was to maintain an attitude of determined cheerfulness.

-- Susan Carroll, Midnight Bride

Megrim is from Middle English migrem, from Middle French migraine, modification of Late Latin hemicrania, "pain in one side of the head," from Greek hemikrania, from hemi-, "half" + kranion, "skull."

******************************

QUOTES:

CONFUCIUS SAYS:   If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?

THINGS TO PONDER:       Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?  

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

  - Friedrich Nietzsche

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.

  - Plato

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice.

  - Otto von Bismarck

"Everyone who got to where they are had to begin where they were." 

- Richard Paul Evans

******************************

JOKES:

You might be a REDNECK if...  

    ...you list your parole officer as a reference. 

 

------------------------------------------------

Crashing Cans 

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. 

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. 

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." 

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. 

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." 

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. 

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" 

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. 

-----------------------------------------

Endearments 

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. 

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." 

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." 

-----------------------------------------

Ten Times 

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she had been over the settlement, when she saw a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie! 

The genie sensed her anger and allowed her to vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informed her that he would give her three wishes. But he cautioned her that because he does not believe in divorce, he would give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. 

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie granted her wish and she found herself sitting on a pile of one billion one-dollar bills. 

The genie then reminded her that her husband was now the surprised recipient of ten billion dollars. The woman could barely contain her anger when she made her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, exactly as she had imagined her dream home, in every tiny detail. But the genie reminded her again that her ex-husband now owned ten of what she had wished for, and pointed out across the bay to a small development of ten such mansions. 

Upon seeing this, the woman took her time to consider her final wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman said she had made up her mind. But, before she could say anything, the genie again warned her that her ex-husband would get ten times whatever she wished for. "No problem," said the woman, smiling at last. "For my final wish, I'd like to give birth to twins." 

--------------------------------------------------------

Lost Ball 

A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. "Well, it's like this," explained the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. 

"Well, we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." 

"And?" pried the doctor. 

"Well, that's when I made my mistake. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses, 'This one here looks like yours'." 

******************************

RECIPE:

Grilled Beer Chicken 

"This is a chicken recipe from ranch hand trail cooks. The 'garlic on the coals' trick will probably bring your neighbors over, so beware, and cook plenty!!"

PREP TIME  15 Min  

COOK TIME  1 Hr  

READY IN  1 Hr 15 Min  

INGREDIENTS 

1 (3 pound) chicken, split in half lengthwise 

garlic powder to taste 

ground black pepper to taste 

1 pinch seasoned salt 

1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle beer 

1/2 cup butter 

2 tablespoons garlic powder 

1 tablespoon seasoned pepper  

DIRECTIONS

Preheat grill for high heat. 

In a microwave-safe bowl, combine the beer, butter, 1 tablespoon garlic powder and seasoned pepper. Heat in the microwave for 2 minutes, or until butter is melted and mixture is hot. Set aside. 

Season chicken generously with the garlic powder, ground black pepper and seasoned salt to taste. 

Brush the grilling surface with oil. Place chicken onto the grill bone side down. Close the lid, and cook for about 45 minutes, or until the chicken skin is starting to blister. 

Turn the chicken over, so it is bone side up. They will be black and charred, but the chicken meat will be fine. Pierce the membrane of the bone with a fork, and ladle some of the beer mixture into the 'cup' formed by the bones. Throw a teaspoon or so of garlic powder on the coals, close the lid, and seal the vents. 

Repeat ladling the beer mixture into the chicken, and throwing garlic powder onto the coals every 5 minutes, until the mixture is gone. The chicken should be tender and juices should run clear. 

***********************

Spaghetti Goulash

Makes: 25 servings

Prep Time: 45 minutes

Cook Time: 30 minutes

Ready In: 1 hour, 15 minutes

 

Goulash is a thick stew served with noodles or rice; traditional goulash is made with a mixture of meat. 

This recipe makes 2 large and 1 small casserole serving 25 people or one very hungry Cajun.

 

Ingredients

5 pounds meat mixture (1/2 beef and 1/2 pork)

1 pound grated cheddar cheese

3 cans cream of tomato soup

5 cans mushroom

5 large onions chopped

2 large bell peppers chopped

3 or more cloves of garlic

1/2 cup each of onion tops and parsley

2 1/2 package spaghetti (12 oz)  

Seasonings (salt black pepper and garlic powder) to taste

 

Directions

Cook the spaghetti according to package directions. Season meat with salt, black pepper and garlic powder, mix with onions, bell pepper and garlic. Brown meat then simmer 5 minutes. Spoon off excess fat - add the tomato soup and cook 10 minutes. Add the cooked spaghetti, mushrooms, onion top and parsley and 1/2 of the cheese. Mix well. Pour into the casserole and top with remaining cheese. Bake 30 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven.

***********************

OPEN-FACED SMOKED SALMON SANDWICHES

Makes 8 open-faced sandwiches.

For scrambled eggs:

• 10 eggs

• 2 oz. cream cheese, cut into pieces and at room temperature

• Salt and freshly ground white pepper

• 3 tbsp. unsalted butter

For sandwiches:

• 4 tbsp. (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature

• 8 slices rye bread

• 2 c. thinly sliced English cucumbers

• 3/4 c. finely chopped red bell pepper

• 1 lb. thinly sliced smoked salmon

• 8 thin lemon slices

Directions

To prepare scrambled eggs: Whisk together eggs, cream cheese and salt and white pepper to taste in a bowl until cream cheese breaks up into very small pieces. In a 10-inch skillet over medium heat, melt butter until foam subsides. Add eggs and cook, stirring constantly, until just cooked through. Transfer eggs to a plate and cool.

To prepare sandwiches: Spread butter on bread and arrange cucumber slices, overlapping slightly, on top. Spoon eggs over cucumber and top with bell pepper, salmon and lemon slices.

 

CUCUMBER, RADISH AND WATERCRESS TEA SANDWICHES

Makes 24 sandwiches.

9 oz. fresh goat cheese, at room temperature

1/2 c. chopped watercress

1 tsp. white truffle oil, optional

Salt and freshly ground white pepper

12 very thin slices white bread

1 bunch radishes, very thinly sliced, divided

1/2 English cucumber, peeled and thinly sliced

Directions

In a food processor fitted with a metal blade, combine goat cheese and watercress (and truffle oil, optional) and pulse until combined. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Place bread on a work surface. Spread each slice with goat cheese mixture, dividing equally. Set aside 24 radish slices for garnish. Top 6 bread slices with cucumber slices, then remaining radish slices. Sprinkle with pepper. Top with remaining bread slices, cheese side down. Trim sandwich crusts. Cut each sandwich into 4 squares. Transfer to a platter, top each sandwich with a radish slice and serve.

***********************

Ham Casserole

"A great leftover ham recipe that my husband takes all the credit for. It contains leftover ham, pasta, cheese and bread crumbs in a creamy soup base."

Prep Time: 15 Min 

Cook Time: 30 Min 

Ready In: 45 Min

Servings  Yield 6 servings  

Ingredients

2 cups cubed or shredded ham

3 cups cooked macaroni

3/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese

1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup

1/2 (10.75 ounce) can milk

1/4 cup dried bread crumbs

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

In a casserole dish, combine the ham, macaroni, cheese, soup and milk. Mix together well.

Bake, covered, at 375 degrees F (190 degrees C) for 20 minutes. Uncover, top with the bread crumbs, and bake, uncovered for 10 more minutes.

***********************

Sweet and Sour Ribs

 

Makes: 6 servings

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 3 hours, 0 minutes

Ready In: 3 hours, 30 minutes  

Ribs make such a delicious dish. Short ribs are some of Maw Maw's favorite. Short ribs known as Jacob's Ladder or Thin Ribs are a popular cut of beef. Beef short ribs are larger and usually more tender and meatier than their pork counterpart, pork spare ribs. Short ribs are cut from the rib and plate primals and a small corner of the square-cut chuck. A full slab of short ribs is typically about 10 inches square, ranges from 3-5 inches thick. This recipe is one easy and good way to cook ribs.

 

Ingredients

Slab of ribs (Spare, beef or pork)

1/2 cup flour

1/2 tsp salt

2 tbsp butter

1 tbsp cooking oil

1 large onion

5 tsp Lea - Perrin Worcestershire Sauce

1/2 cup sugar

1 tsp chili powder

3/4 cup ketchup

3/4 cup water

2 tsp vinegar

salt, black pepper, red pepper  

generous amount of garlic powder

 

Directions

Season ribs and roll ribs in flour. Put butter and oil in skillet, and brown ribs on stove-top. Remove from fire once brown. Combine the remaining ingredients and blend well. In a large pot, pour the mixture over the ribs and bake for 3 hours at 300 degrees.

***********************

Almost Perfect Life 

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. 

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night whether I like it or not (sob)." 

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" 

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live." 

***********************

10 commandments 

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post: 

Thou Shalt Not Steal 

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

Thou Shall Not Lie 

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment. 

***********************

Dress Shop Burglary 

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. 

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. 

"What did you steal?" the judge asked. 

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. 

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" 

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!" 

***********************

Feel Better 

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. 

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" 

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

REMINDERS FROM GOD:

1 Peter 5:5

(5) Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for 

" God resists the proud,

But gives grace to the humble." 

This commandment flew in the face of the Greek culture because, like ours, it glorified self-assertion and aggressiveness. They worshipped bodily perfection and "wisdom," as they called it, flaunting it before others as a basis on which a relationship would be conducted. Feeling better than, or being seen as better than, others was very important to people in the Greek world.

God commands us to be clothed with humility. Humility is pride's opposite, its antonym. We learn a great deal about humility when we just do the opposite of what the Bible teaches us about pride. Part of the key to understanding humility is in this short phrase "just do." Just do it, as the Nike advertisement urges. Why would God want us to do such a thing? Because true humility is a choice. It is not something that comes naturally. We have to choose to do it.

Peter says that we must "be clothed with humility." We must put on humility just as we put on our clothes. Doing either of these activities is a choice. In this phrase, the apostle is reminiscing about Jesus at His last Passover, when He clothed Himself with an apron and knelt down before His disciples, including Peter, washing their feet as an example of His mind, His attitude, toward them (John 13:1-17). He girded himself and performed this lowly act. He had to put on, choose to practice, humility to do that.

**************************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

luculent • LOO-kyuh-lunt  â€¢ adjective

: clear in thought or expression : lucid 

Example sentence:

"I have heard, for example, a luculent description of poor Allister Campbell, and another drudge of the same class, running a race after dinner for a new pair of breeches." (John G. Lockhart, Memoirs of Sir Walter Scott)

***********************************

QUOTES:

Carl Sandburg

"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."

Groucho Marx

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

W. C. Fields

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

===========================

JOKES:

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school 

parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his 

car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...

2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail 

and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for 

traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up 

buddies.

2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny 

and Mark. They are both charged  with assault and both expelled even 

though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling 

by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not 

disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He 

is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state 

because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a 

whipping with his belt.

1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to 

college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to 

foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's 

sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to 

prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking 

dock..

2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug 

violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1959 - Ants die.

2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are 

confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. 

She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home .'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? 

Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

=======================================

Gumbo Style Chicken Creole

"Cooked leftover chicken can be tossed into this gumbo and simmered with tomatoes, mushrooms, chile peppers, a little of this and a little of that. Delicious chicken gumbo consistency with tomato base. Makes plenty to last for several days. Serve over hot cooked rice and sprinkle with filet powder, if desired."

Ingredients:

1/4 cup oil for frying

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

1 green bell pepper, chopped

1 onion, chopped

2 cups cooked, chopped chicken breast meat

1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes with

green chile peppers, with liquid

1 (4.5 ounce) can sliced mushrooms, drained 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 teaspoon soy sauce

1 teaspoon white sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

3 dashes hot sauce 

Directions:

1. Heat oil in a large skillet over high heat. Stir in flour and cook, stirring constantly, for 5 minutes or until mixture is the color of a copper penny. Reduce heat to low and stir in bell pepper and onion. Cook 10 to 15 minutes, or until tender, stirring occasionally. 

2. Add chicken, tomatoes with green chile peppers, mushrooms, parsley, Worcestershire sauce, garlic, soy sauce, sugar, salt, pepper and hot sauce. Stir together, cover and simmer for 20 minutes. 

Nutrition Information    Servings Per Recipe: 5     Calories: 168 

Amount Per Serving  Total Fat: 3.4g      Cholesterol: 48mg   Sodium: 807mg  

Amount Per Serving   Total Carbs: 14.7g     Dietary Fiber: 2.4g Protein: 19.8g

 ***********************

Beverage -- Hot Spiced Tea 

6 cups water

12 whole cloves

6 tea bags

2 cups pineapple juice

Juice of 2 lemons

Grated lemon rind from 1 lemon

1 cup fresh orange juice

1 Tbsp. grated orange rind

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 cup granulated sugar (or to taste) 

Bring water to a boil and add cloves. Allow to simmer for 10 minutes. Add tea bags and allow to steep for 15 minutes. Remove tea bags and cloves and add remaining ingredients. Serve warm. 

The Skinny: Use your favorite sugar substitute. 

 -------------------------------------------------------------

Main Course -- Asparagus Omelets 

24 eggs

1 and one half cups water

One third cup real bacon pieces

2 cups grated cheddar cheese

One half cup onion, chopped

32 small asparagus spears, cut into one inch pieces and blanched in boiling water

Salt and pepper to taste 

Separate egg whites from yolks. Reserve the yolks for later use. Pour the egg whites into a bowl and beat until frothy. Add about 1 and one half cups water to make the mixture runny. Add bacon, cheese and onion and mix well. Add salt and pepper to taste. Bend each asparagus stalk until it breaks and discard the tough stalk end. Cut the other ends into 1-inch pieces. Blanche asparagus pieces in a pot of boiling water for just a couple of minutes so they are still crisp/tender. Drain asparagus and fill the pot with cold water to stop the cooking process. Heat a 9-inch skillet over medium heat. When skillet nice and warm, spray with non-stick spray and add a small amount of the omelet mixture, depending on how many omelets you plan to make. Add 4 to 5 pieces of the asparagus into the omelet mixture in the pan. Cover the pan with a lid and cook for about 3 - 5 minutes depending on the heat of the stove. Lift lid to check the omelet; it should be nice and puffy and starting to firm up but still a little moist on top. Fold omelet in half with a spatula and continue to cook, flipping occasionally, until the entire omelet has firmed up. Repeat for each omelet. 

The Skinny: We use only the egg whites with this recipe so it is a little more healthful than the entire egg. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Smithfield Ham Hash 

One half cup butter

1 onion, chopped

2 and one half cups finely chopped Smithfield Ham

2 and one half cups diced and boiled potatoes

Salt and pepper to taste 

Melt one quarter cup of butter in a pan, add onion and saute until onion is tender. Combine onion, Smithfield Ham, potatoes and salt and pepper in a bowl and mix well. Melt remaining one quarter cup of butter in pan and spread out the hash mixture in the pan. Cook over medium heat until brown on the bottom. Turn hash over and cook on the other side until brown. The hash should have a nice brown crust on both sides when done. 

The Skinny: Not much you can do to change this recipe. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dessert -- Citrus Salad 

2 pink grapefruit, peeled and sectioned

4 oranges, peeled and sectioned

2 papayas, peeled and sliced

1 avocado, peeled and sliced

1 cup fresh berries, like strawberries, blueberries or raspberries

One half cup poppy seed dressing (already prepared)

One third cup slivered almonds 

Combine all fruit in a large bowl and drizzle dressing over top and toss. Sprinkle with slivered almonds. 

The Skinny: Again, not much room for improvement. 

**********************

Copycat Golden Corral Rolls 

1 envelope active dry yeast

1/4 cup warm water

1/3 cup sugar

1/4 cup butter

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup hot milk

1 egg - lightly beaten

4 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons melted butter - for brushing rolls

Sprinkle the yeast over very warm water in a large bowl.  Stir

until yeast dissolves.

Add sugar, the 1/4 cup butter and salt to hot milk and stir until

the sugar dissolves and butter is melted.  Cool mixture to 105 to

115 degrees. 

Add milk mixture to yeast, then beat in egg. Beat in 4 cups of the

flour, 1 cup at a time, to form a soft dough. Use some of the

remaining 1/2 cup of the flour to dust a pastry cloth. 

Knead the dough lightly for 5 minutes, working in the remaining

flour (use it for flouring the pastry cloth and your hands). 

Place dough in a warm buttered bowl; turn greased side up.  Cover

and let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 1 1/4 to

1 1/2 hours. 

Punch dough down and knead 4 to 5 minutes on a lightly floured

pastry cloth. Dough will be sticky, but use as little flour as

possible for flouring your hands and the pastry cloth, otherwise

the rolls will not be as feathery light as they should be. 

Pinch off small chunks of dough and shape into round rolls about 1

1/2 to 1 3/4 inches in diameter. Place in neat rows, not quite

touching, in a well-buttered 13 x 9 x 2 inch pan. Cover rolls and

let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, 30 to 40 minutes. 

Brush tops of rolls with melted butter, then bake in a 375 degree F

oven for 18 to 20 minutes or until nicely browned.

***********************

 A man  and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their  three

 kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in  their 

honor.

 

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad"  gushed son number one.."Sorry I'm

 running

 late. I  had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know 

how  it

 is, and didn't have time to get you a  gift."

 

"Not to worry" said the father, the important  thing is th at we're

 all together today."

 

Son  number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad".

I  just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and  didn't 

have time

to shop for you".

 

"It's  nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able  to

 come."

 

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello  and Happy Anniversary! I'm

 sorry but my boss is sending me  out of town and I was really busy 

packing so  I

 didn't have time to get you anything."

 

After  they finished dessert, the father said, "There's  something

 your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a  long time. You see,

 we were

 very poor. Despite this  we were able to send each of you to

 college.Throughout the  years your mother and I knew we loved each 

other very much,  but we

 just never found the time to get  married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You  mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap  ones too!"

****************************

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

 1. Money isn't made out of paper,  it's made out of cotton. 

 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 

  3.. The dot over the letter 'i' is called  a 'tittle.' 

  4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and    down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 

   5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 

  6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 

  7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 

  8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 

 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog. 

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't  wear pants. 

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 

16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence multi-tasking was invented. 

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of  wood. 

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with:   orange, purple, and  silver 

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10  years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death 

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. 

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good  to know.) 

26.. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples. 

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most  often stolen from Public Libraries. 

33.I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS... 

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: 

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars.  O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing  to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."

***********************

TRIVIA:

How did Levan get its name? 

Levan, Utah is "navel" spelled backwards. It was so named because it is in the middle of Utah. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How much was the original tea tax? 

The tax imposed on tea that triggered the infamous Boston Tea Party in 1773 was 3 cents per pound. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Was Mary a premier golfer? 

The first woman to play golf at St. Andrew's Golf Club in Scotland was Mary, Queen of Scots, in 1552. She was the club's founder. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who designed the Volkswagen? 

Ferdinand Porsche, who later went on to build sports cars bearing his own name, designed the original 1936 Volkswagen. 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

Subject: English Signs Around the World

Cocktail lounge , Norway :

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN 

BED. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia :

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.. 

Hotel, Japan :

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET 

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF 

DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS 

THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE...

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE 

BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME..

***********************

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside 

cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. 

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, 

and begins to read her book. 

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. 

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'   

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. 

For all I know you could start at any moment. 

I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.&nbs p;

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. 

For all I know you could start at any moment.' 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. 

MORAL:     

Never argue with a woman who reads.     

It's likely she can also think.

Send this to four women who are thinkers   ;   

or men who are also thinkers ...   

If you receive this, you know you're intelligent!

***********************

Wisdom in phrases...ab

 

Statements you may have heard but never knew who originally said them.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin...'

-  Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I once had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased later to read the 

description in the seed catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by 

her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as 

close together as possible

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become 

a philosopher.

- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and 

fat..

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at 50 .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And then there's the Cardiologist's Diet:   If it tastes good, spit it out.

***********************

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going 

Through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When  done, you have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the 

Bible... Is that true?  Where is it?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year 

Olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

SMILE, You've still got your Sense of humor, RIGHT?

 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

REMINDERS FROM GOD:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

(7) And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the 

flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. (8) 

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. (9) And He 

said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore 

most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) 

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for 

Christ"s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

Was there ever a man who was given as many gifts as the apostle Paul? Judging from how much God 

wrote through him—how much God used his mind, intellect, training, experience, yieldedness, and 

willingness to work and sacrifice himself on behalf of God and the church—it might have been very 

easy for him to have been puffed up. He even said himself that nobody worked any harder than he 

did, writing, "I labored more abundantly than they all" (I Corinthians 15:10).

However, he was not bragging. It is not wrong to take the right kind of pride and to speak the truth 

about what we really have done. There is nothing wrong with a developed skill and confidence in our 

ability to do it. If we do not have any confidence, will we ever offer ourselves in service to others? 

There must also be a proper recognition of where all that power, strength, and everything flows 

from. It flows from the gifts, from what God has given.

God mercifully allowed Paul to suffer a physical problem to keep him mindful of his dependence on 

Him. The truly humble are knowledgeable of their dependence, and they cry out to God continually 

for help, for what God only can supply: His Holy Spirit, His love, His faith, the forgiveness of sin, etc. 

Theirs is not just a feeling of weakness, because everyone, the converted and the unconverted, 

experiences weakness.

People with pride experience a feeling of weakness too, but they compensate, not by seeking God's 

help, but by flaunting what they think others will accept and bring praise to them. As long as a person 

continues to depend on himself, this world will continue as it is. Nothing will change. This attitude is 

illustrated in the beginning so simply. Without actually saying the words, Adam and Eve told God in 

Genesis 3, "We don't need you."

***********************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

 flivver • FLIV-er  â€¢ noun : a small cheap usually old automobile 

Examples: Kevin plans to keep his new convertible off the roads during the harsh, cold months when 

streets are salted and sanded, so he is looking for a flivver to use as a winter beater. "She shook my 

hand -- a man's strong grip -- and then drove away in her flivver ." -- From a story by Stephen King in 

his 2010 book Full Dark, No Stars 

Did you know? 

In 1908, Henry Ford changed the world with the Model T, the first affordable automobile. English 

speakers quickly coined an array of colorful terms for the Model T and the other relatively 

inexpensive cars that followed it. No one is sure why cheap cars came to be called "flivvers," but we 

do know that in the early 1900s that colorful term was also used as a slang verb meaning "to fail,"

***********************

DOG TIPS:

July 13th and  was National French Fries Day. (I guess "French" fries are really the "all-American 

food - so much so that we've dedicated a special day to them!)

So let's talk about French fries.  I know - you like them. I like them too. And most dogs like them. But 

should you give them to your dog? The answer is ideally no. 

Why should dogs not eat French fries? Well, here are two very good reasons. 

1. They are a fatty food and some dogs have sensitive gastrointestinal systems. This type of fatty 

food can cause vomiting, diarrhea or both in some cases. Even worse - they can get pancreatitis. For 

more information, go to: Gastroenteritis in Dogs and Pancreatitis in Dogs. 

French fries aren't toxic like some food - but they are still not "good" for dogs. See a list of toxic 

foods for dogs - go to: "Human Foods Dangerous to Dogs". 

2. The second reason not to give your dog French fries is because more than 55 to 60% of dogs in 

the US are obsese and this can cause a lot of health problems. So...it is likely your dog doesn't need 

those extra calories.  For more information on obesity - go to Obesity in Dogs. 

If you want to give your dog a great healthy treat, check out this list of Healthy Treats 

By the way, here's an interesting bit of trivia. Did you know French fries are not French? They most 

likely originated in Belgium.  The name "French" was used because of the technique used to slice the 

potatoes.  They were cut into long strips, like French-cut green beans. (In fact, in France "French 

fries" are not called "French fries"... they are called "pommes frites".)

Grooming Your Dog

Regular grooming is essential no matter what type of coat your pet has. 

Combs are designed to remove mats and detangle long hair. 

Brushes remove dead surface hair and dander, and distribute oil to give a finished look. 

***********************

CAT TIPS

Where do old "wives tales" come from?

How does something become an old "wives tale"?

I am not exactly sure how they develop. Maybe we just hear something over and over again so many 

times from enough people  that we just assume it must be true.

What I do know is that there is a lot of cat care information that falls into the category of old "wives 

tales".  Unfortunately, many cat lovers believe these tales to be the absolute truth, even though there 

is no proof to back them up.

So in an effort to set the record straight, we have gathered some common old "wives tales" about cat 

care.  

Here are 6 examples:

1. Cats can suck the breath from a baby. 

2. Pregnant women should not scoop the litter box. 

3. Cats cause schizophrenia. 

4. Cats can see ghosts. 

5. If you have multiple male cats, they will spray and mark. 

6. Milk is good for cats. 

There are countless theories and ideas out there on cats and cat care. What should you believe? Is it 

true or is it merely an old wives' tale that has mutated as it has been passed along?

Listed below are several common cat myths, old wives' tales, and legends and the truth or lack of 

truth they contain.

1. Cats can suck the breath from a baby. – NOT true! Cats have no intentions or ability to suck the 

breath from a baby. You should, however, be cautious of allowing a pet to sleep with a small child, in 

case of other inadvertent injuries.

2. Pregnant women should not scoop the litter box. – This has a lot of truth, but there is NO need to 

get rid of your cat. Toxoplasmosis is a parasite that a cat can carry without showing signs. This 

parasite, which can be acquired by handling their feces, is a concern for pregnant women because it 

can be detrimental to a developing fetus. While it is best for someone other than the pregnant woman 

to scoop the litter box, it is generally safe if scooped at least once every 24 hours. Pregnant women 

must also be cautious of this parasite when gardening and handling raw meat. Wearing gloves is best.

3. Cats cause schizophrenia. – This is NOT true! Pets are actually very helpful to our mental health.

4. Cats can see ghosts. – There is no scientific evidence of this.

5. If you have multiple male cats, they will spray and mark. – This is possible, but not necessarily true. 

Male and

sometimes even female cats living by themselves will mark. Neutering before sexual maturity is the 

best way to prevent marking behavior.

6. Milk is good for cats. – A cat eating a high-quality food should not need milk. Cow's milk contains 

more lactose than a cat can tolerate, and will often cause diarrhea. If your cat insists on drinking 

milk, milk made for cats, such as Catsip, is best for him.

***********************

Easy for Sheezy Goulash

total time 30 min 

 5 min prep 

Easy and family loves it, leftovers we throw in a casserole dish add cheese and have goulash casserole 

the next day.

SERVES 4 -6 

Ingredients

1 lb ground turkey or beef 

1 tablespoon olive oil 

1 tablespoon minced garlic 

1 (16 ounce) jar original spaghetti sauce 

1 (15 ounce) can sweet corn 

1 tablespoon minced onion 

1 tablespoon italian seasoning 

1 cup elbow macaroni 

Directions

1    In olive oil, brown ground turkey or beef (I drain fat if I use beef). Add minced garlic. After 

browning, add everything but macaroni. Bring all to boil, add macaroni, boil for 5 minutes, simmer for 

20 mins   Great with fresh parmesian on top. 

***********************

Braised Brisket with Garlic 

Braised brisket is a lovely dish for the holidays or anytime for that matter. Advance preparation cuts 

down on last-minute cooking and makes it easier to remove the fat from the gravy. 

Serves: 8 to 10

Prep. time: 30 minutes

Cooking time: 2 1/2 to 3 hours

INGREDIENTS:

36 plump cloves garlic  

3 tablespoons olive oil  

about 5 pounds beef brisket, trimmed of fat, patted dry with paper towels  

2 tablespoons red wine vinegar  

3 cups beef broth, or chicken broth, preferably homemade  

3 fresh thyme sprigs, or 2 teaspoons dried thyme  

2 fresh rosemary sprigs, plus 1 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary  

Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste  

1 teaspoon minced garlic  

1 teaspoon grated lemon zest  

DIRECTIONS:

 

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Drop the garlic cloves into boiling water for 30 seconds. Drain 

immediately and peel as soon as they are cool enough to handle. Set aside on paper towels to dry. In a 

roasting pan large enough to hold the meat, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat (you may have to 

use two burners). Add the brisket and cook for about 10 minutes until well browned on both sides. 

Transfer to a platter. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon of fat in the pan. Add the garlic cloves and cook 

over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until the edges of the cloves are tinged with gold. Add the 

vinegar and scrape up the browned bits on the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon. Add the stock, 

thyme, and rosemary sprigs and reduce the heat to a simmer. Season the brisket on both sides with 

salt and pepper and return it to the pan, fat side up. Spoon the garlic sauce over the meat. Cover (use 

foil if necessary) and roast in the oven for 2 1/2 to 3 hours until the meat is fork tender. Baste it 

with the pan juices every 30 minutes. Periodically check the pan juices; they should be gently bubbling. 

If they are boiling rapidly, reduce the oven temperature to 300 degrees F. Transfer the brisket to a 

cutting board and tent it loosely with foil. Strain the pan juice, reserving the garlic and discarding the 

thyme and rosemary sprigs. Skim and discard as much fat as possible from the liquid. Transfer about 

half of the garlic cloves and about 1 cup of braising liquid to a food processor or blender. Puree until 

smooth. Transfer the puree, the remaining garlic cloves, and the braising liquid to a skillet. Add the 

chopped rosemary, minced garlic, and lemon zest. Bring to a boil and cook over high heat until the 

gravy is reduced to the desired consistency. Taste and adjust the seasonings. (For a smoother gravy, 

puree all the garlic.) Cut the brisket into thin slices across the grain at a slight diagonal. Arrange on a 

serving platter and spoon some of the hot gravy over the meat. 

***********************

Baby Carrots with Cranberries 

Yield: Serves 6

1 pound baby carrots

1 cup cider

pinch of salt

1 cup fresh whole cranberries

1 tablespoon unsalted butter

1-1/2 tablespoon packed light-brown sugar or maple syrup 

Put the carrots and cider into a medium, nonreactive skillet and bring to a boil. Add the salt, reduce 

the heat, and cook at a low boil, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes, until the liquid is reduced 

by half. Add the cranberries, butter, and brown sugar and cook several more minutes, stirring 

occasionally, until the carrots are tender but still slightly crispy and the remaining liquid in the pan is 

syrupy. (The total cooking time should be about 12 to 14 minutes--no longer, or the carrots will turn 

mushy.) Transfer to a serving bowl.

***********************

Potato, Broccoli and Sausage Skillet

With only six ingredients, you can go from cooktop to tabletop with a complete meal of meat, 

potatoes and veggies. 

Prep Time: 25 min

Total Time: 35 min

Makes: 6 servings (1 1/2 cups each) 

2 cups water 

2/3 cup milk 

2 tablespoons margarine or butter 

1 box (4.9 oz) Betty Crocker scalloped potatoes 

2 cups sliced fully cooked reduced-fat Polska-kielbasa sausage (from 1-lb ring) 

1/2 cup Old El Paso Thick ‘n Chunky salsa (any variety) 

2 cups Green Giant Select frozen broccoli florets 

    

1. In 12-inch skillet or 3-quart saucepan, heat water, milk and margarine to boiling. Stir in contents of 

uncooked potatoes and sauce mix pouches (from potato mix box). Add sausage and salsa; stir until 

well mixed. Reduce heat; cover and simmer 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. 

2. Stir in broccoli. Cover; cook 8 minutes longer or until potatoes and broccoli are tender (sauce will 

thicken as it stands). 

High Altitude (3500-6500 ft): Increase water to 2 1/2 cups. Thaw broccoli florets. 

 Substitution 

Use your favorite veggie for the broccoli. 

Nutrition Information:

1 Serving: Calories 200 (Calories from Fat 50); Total Fat 6g (Saturated Fat 2g, Trans Fat 1 1/2g); 

Cholesterol 20mg; Sodium 1200mg; Total Carbohydrate 23g (Dietary Fiber 2g, Sugars 4g); Protein 

12g Percent Daily Value*: Vitamin A 15%; Vitamin C 15%; Calcium 6%; Iron 4% Exchanges: 1 Starch; 

1/2 Other Carbohydrate; 1/2 Vegetable; 1 Medium-Fat Meat Carbohydrate Choices: 1 1/2 

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.

***********************

Dutch Oven Apple Crisp

Original recipe yield 1 quart crisp  

INGREDIENTS 

2 1/2 cups Macintosh apples - peeled, cored and quartered 

2 cups rolled oats 

2 cups packed brown sugar 

1 cup all-purpose flour 

3/4 cup milk 

 

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). 

Combine apples and brown sugar in a large Dutch oven. 

Bake for 30 minutes. 

Combine milk, flour, and oats. Pour mixture over apples and brown sugar. 

Bake for 1 hour. Serve

***********************

WHAT TO DO WHEN THE POLICE AREN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. * 

*Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that 

he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George 

opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing 

things. 

* 

*He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" 

* 

*He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. 

* 

*Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will 

be along when one is available." 

* 

*George said, "Okay." 

* 

*He hung up the phone and counted to 30. 

* 

*Then he phoned the police again. 

* 

*"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  

Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. 

* 

*Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and 

an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 

* 

*One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" 

* 

*Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

* 

*(True Story) I LOVE IT! 

Don't mess with old people * 

end pg 1

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