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REMINDERS FROM GOD:
Revelation 6:10
(10) And they cried with a loud voice, saying, "How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?"
This plaintive cry, "How long . . .?" is a New Testament echo of the Old Testament prophets, many of whom were persecuted and slain for their testimony. The psalmists use it most frequently: from David in Psalm 13:1 ("How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?") to Asaph in Psalm 74:10 ("O God, how long will the adversary reproach?") to Moses in Psalm 90:13 ("Return, O LORD! How long? And have compassion on Your servants"). Even Ethan the Ezrahite gets in on the act: "How long, LORD? Will You hide Yourself forever? Will Your wrath burn like fire?" (Psalm 89:46; see also Psalm 6:3; 35:17; 79:5; 80:4; 94:3).
This question continues in both the major and minor prophets. Isaiah writes, "Then I said, 'Lord, how long?' And He answered: 'Until the cities are laid waste and without inhabitant, the houses are without a man, the land is utterly desolate. . .'" (Isaiah 6:11). Later, Habakkuk asks, "O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? Even cry out to You, 'Violence!' and You will not save" (Habakkuk 1:2; see also Daniel 12:6; Zechariah 1:12). "How long?" has been a constant prayer to God through the ages, especially during times of great distress, particularly when God's servants are under intense persecution, when the surrounding culture has reached its nadir and the nation is ripe for judgment, or as it often works out, when both are happening simultaneously.
The intent of the request in Revelation 6:10 is for an indication from God of how long the saints have to endure the worst that Satan-inspired humanity can throw at them before He acts on their behalf as He has promised. As early as Deuteronomy 32:43, the conclusion of the Song of Moses, it is promised, "Rejoice, O Gentiles, with His people; for He will avenge the blood of His servants, and render vengeance to His adversaries." Jesus Himself promises, "And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? I tell you that He will avenge them speedily" (Luke 18:7-8). Paul later expands this considerably:
. . . it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you, and to give you who are troubled rest with us when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with His mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power, when He comes, in that Day, to be glorified in His saints and to be admired among all those who believe, because our testimony among you was believed. (II Thessalonians 1:6-10)
There is never a doubt about God's eventual intervention to avenge the deaths of His saints. God's promises are sure (Isaiah 46:11; 55:11; Matthew 24:35; John 10:35). Obviously, "How long, O Lord . . .?" is a query about the duration of events until God intervenes, and the souls under the altar ask it, not in impatience or exasperation, but in anticipation of the end of the saints' tribulations and of the receipt of their reward.
In reading this, however, we must not forget that these martyred saints are dead, resting in their graves, as Revelation 6:11 confirms. Thus, the answer to their question is not for them—they know nothing (Ecclesiastes 9:5), their testimony having finished in death (Acts 20:24; II Timothy 4:7; Revelation 11:7)—but for living saints, who will undergo persecution and eventual martyrdom.
************************ WORD FOR THE DAY:
biophilia • bye-oh-FILL-ee-uh • noun : a hypothetical human tendency to interact or be closely associated with other forms of life in nature
Examples: "We live in an age in which it is easy to email Buenos Aires, and browse the internet from the Grand Canyon. We could just dial in from whatever sylvan spot appeals to our biophilia." -- From an article by Edward L Glaeser in The Independent , March 23, 2011
"For some, biophilia manifests itself in such ordinary ways as, say, owning four or five house cats. For myself and others … it means flying to the other side of the globe to see a fruit bat, a duck-billed platypus, or a parrotfish." -- From an article by Lisa Gosselin in Audubon magazine, September - October 1998
******************************** Natalie Wood "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
Mae West "I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."
Joseph Campbell "Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? –Jack Handey
*************************************
Ham-&-Cheese-Stuffed Chicken Breasts
Active Time: 25 Minutes Total Time: 50 Minutes Yield: 4 servings
Making a pocket in the chicken breast to hold the stuffing is easy with a good, sharp, thin-bladed knife. Browning the chicken in a skillet before baking gives it a beautiful golden color, and finishing in the oven ensures that it cooks evenly throughout.
INGREDIENTS 1/4 cup grated Swiss, Monterey Jack or part-skim mozzarella cheese 2 tablespoons chopped ham 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard Freshly ground pepper to taste 4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves (1-1 1/4 pounds total) 1 egg white 1/2 cup plain dry breadcrumbs 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil DIRECTIONS Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Use a baking sheet with sides and lightly coat it with cooking spray. Mix cheese, ham, mustard and pepper in a small bowl. Cut a horizontal slit along the thin, long edge of a chicken breast half, nearly through to the opposite side. Open up the breast and place one-fourth of the filling in the center. Close the breast over the filling, pressing the edges firmly together to seal. Repeat with the remaining chicken breasts and filling. Lightly beat egg white with a fork in a medium bowl. Place breadcrumbs in a shallow glass dish. Hold each chicken breast half together and dip in egg white, then dredge in breadcrumbs. (Discard leftovers). Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken breasts; cook until browned on one side, about 2 minutes. Place the chicken, browned-side up, on the prepared baking sheet. Bake until the chicken is no longer pink in the center or until an instant-read thermometer registers 170 degrees F, about 20 minutes
************************************
Chicken Souvlaki Active Time: 15 Minutes Total Time: 30 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
Grilled chicken on pita with tomatoes, onions, and tzatziki, a yogurt and cucumber sauce, makes a cool yet satisfying warm-weather supper. Souvlaki is often rolled to eat in your hand as a snack, but this more substantial version is served on a plate with a knife and fork. If you like, accompany the souvlaki with lemon wedges. When using wooden skewers, soak them first in water for at least ten minutes, or they'll smoke during cooking.
INGREDIENTS 2 cups plain yogurt 1 cucumber, halved lengthwise, peeled, seeded, and grated 1 1/4 teaspoons salt 1 clove garlic, minced Fresh-ground black pepper 1/4 teaspoon dried dill 2 tablespoons olive oil 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice 1 tablespoon dried oregano 1 1/3 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 4), cut into 1-inch cubes 4 pocketless pitas 6 tablespoons butter, at room temperature 1 small onion, cut into thin wedges 2 tomatoes, cut into thin wedges 1/3 cup black olives, such as Kalamata, halved and pitted DIRECTIONS Put the yogurt in a strainer lined with cheesecloth, a coffee filter, or a paper towel and set it over a bowl. Let drain in the refrigerator for 15 minutes. In a medium glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the cucumber with 1 teaspoon of the salt; let sit for about 15 minutes. Squeeze the cucumber to remove the liquid. Put the cucumber back in the bowl and stir in the drained yogurt, the garlic, 1/8 teaspoon of pepper, and the dill.
Light the grill or heat the broiler. In a small glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the oil, lemon juice, oregano, the remaining 1/4 teaspoon of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper. Toss the chicken cubes in the oil mixture and thread them onto skewers. Grill the chicken over high heat or broil, turning once, until done, about 5 minutes in all. Transfer the chicken to a plate.
Spread both sides of the pitas with the butter and grill or broil, turning once, until golden, about 4 minutes in all. Cut into quarters.
To serve, put the pitas on plates and top with the onion, tomatoes, and chicken skewers with any accumulated juices. Serve with the tzatziki and olives.
****************************
Chicken Adobo Kebabs Active Time: 25 Minutes Total Time: 35 Minutes Yield: 4 servings
Serve with Black Beans & Rice and salsa alongside.
Make Ahead Tip: Equipment: Metal or bamboo skewers
INGREDIENTS 3 tablespoons lemon juice, divided 2 cloves garlic, peeled and minced 2 teaspoons dried oregano 1 teaspoon paprika 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, trimmed and cut into 1 1/2-inch chunks 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil 1 red onion, peeled, quartered and separated into layers Lemon wedges
Tips: When using bamboo skewers, wrap the exposed parts with foil to keep the bamboo from burning. (Contrary to popular opinion, soaking skewers in water does not protect them).
To oil a grill rack: Oil a folded paper towel, hold it with tongs and rub it over the rack. (Do not use cooking spray on a hot grill). When grilling delicate foods like tofu and fish, it is helpful to spray the food with cooking spray.
DIRECTIONS Blend 1 tablespoon lemon juice, garlic, oregano, paprika, salt, cumin, cinnamon and pepper in a medium bowl. Add chicken and toss to coat. Cover with plastic wrap and marinate in the refrigerator for at least 20 minutes or up to 2 hours. Mix oil and the remaining 2 tablespoons lemon juice in a small bowl. Set aside. Preheat grill to medium-high. Thread chicken and onion pieces alternately onto 4 or 8 skewers. Oil the grill rack. Grill the kebabs, turning occasionally, until browned and cooked through, 6 to 7 minutes, basting the cooked side with the reserved lemon-oil mixture. Serve immediately, with lemon wedges.
****************************** Grilled Rosemary-Salmon Spedini Active Time: 30 Minutes Total Time: 30 Minutes Yield: 4 servings, 2 skewers each
If you can find (or grow) them, use sturdy rosemary branches, stripped of leaves, as skewers for these Italian kebabs. Oil your grill well to prevent sticking, don't move the kebabs around unnecessarily, and keep a close eye on the fire to avoid flare-ups. Make it a Meal: Serve with a Greek salad and brown rice flavored with capers and fresh parsley.
Make Ahead Tip: Prepare spedini (Step 2), cover and refrigerate for up to 8 hours. Proceed with grilling (Steps 1 & 3) when ready to serve. | Equipment: Eight 12-inch skewers INGREDIENTS 2 teaspoons minced fresh rosemary 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 teaspoon freshly grated lemon zest 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper 1 pound center-cut salmon fillet, skinned (see Tip) and cut into 1-inch cubes 1 pint cherry tomatoes DIRECTIONS Preheat grill to medium-high. Combine rosemary, oil, garlic, lemon zest, lemon juice, salt and pepper in a medium bowl. Add salmon; toss to coat. Alternating the salmon and tomatoes, divide among eight 12-inch skewers. Oil the grill rack (see Tip). Grill the spedini, carefully turning once, until the salmon is cooked through, 4 to 6 minutes total. Serve immediately.
****************************** Fried Cheese Active Time: 15 Minutes Total Time: 15 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
Saganaki, fried cheese, is named for the two-handled pan in which it is fried. Some cooks include the flourish of flambéing the cheese with brandy, but this dramatic touch adds little flavor and may toughen the cheese. Offer freshly cracked pepper and some crusty bread at the table, and pour a good ouzo.
INGREDIENTS 1/2 lb kefalotiri or kasseri cheese About 1/4 cup all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper olive oil for frying 1 tablespoon dried oregano 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice, plus lemon wedges for serving
DIRECTIONS Cut the cheese into slices 1/2 inch thick, about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide. Rinse the cheese in cold water to remove excess salt, then pat dry with paper towels. Spread the flour on a plate and season it with the pepper. Dip the cheese pieces in the seasoned flour, turning to coat evenly on both sides. In a large, heavy sauté pan, pour in olive oil to a depth of 1/4 inch. Place over high heat until very hot but not smoking. Working with 2 or 3 cheese pieces at a time, carefully slip the pieces into the hot oil and fry, turning once, until golden brown on both sides, about 2 minutes per side. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the cheese to paper towels to drain. Keep warm until all the pieces are cooked. Arrange the cheese on a warmed platter and sprinkle with the oregano and lemon juice. Serve hot with lemon wedges on the side.
****************************** A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk."
The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.
Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections."
But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."
******************************
What did you do last weekend? my mom asked one of her elementary school students. When she said she had seen a play, my mom asked which one. "Um, it was a musical," the student replied, struggling to remember the name. "It has the Sharks and the Jets. Oh, I know! Web Site Story!"
******************************
Aboard the USS Tarawa for six months, my brother, Don, posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends up, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home!"
******************************
Meeting with my auto-insurance agent, I confessed that I'd been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30 percent less than his. "Tell me, Chris," he responded, "when you have an emergency, who do you want to deal with, a man or a mouse?"
******************************
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts.
"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."
****************************** The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?" ******************************
How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers Kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to Understand the world As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT Is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates .
Have a nice day!
******************************
Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS? Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you. ****************************** Long read but worth it . . .
Where did Piss Poor come from? Interesting History Urine used to be used to tan animal skins, so families would all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June .. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts with a friend.
******************************
The value of a # 2 pencil
YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!! AND THEN YOU WILL FORWARD TO EVERYONE WITH THAT BIG OLE' SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...' What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
Happy Easter - What You Should Know to Protect Your Dog
Happy Easter! Many people who celebrate this holiday will be having family celebrations, Easter egg hunts and Easter baskets filled with jellybeans and chocolate bunnies. You may also have your home decorated with seasonal decorations or plants.
But common Easter traditions can be dangerous for your pets. Every year thousands of pets become injured and/or deathly ill each year. To keep your pet safe, you should be aware of some common Easter pet perils.
• Plastic Easter Grass and Other Goodies. Like children, pets love to nibble on goodies in the Easter basket. Unfortunately, our curious pets enjoy everything in the basket, even the colorful plastic grass, toys and foil-wrappers on candies.
Take care to keep Easter baskets away from your pets. The plastic in Easter grass is non-digestible and can get caught in the intestines, leading to blockage and possible perforation. Once ingested, the grass, as well as small plastic toys, can cause choking or become lodged in the stomach or intestines and create an obstruction.
Your pet may also ingest streamers and other decorative items - even ribbons and bows that have been tied around your pet's neck. Don't be tempted to decorate your pets; they don't enjoy it and it may result in choking or strangulation. Keep these items away from your pets and throw candy wrappers in a covered trash can.
If you suspect that your dog has ingested something that may not pass through his intestinal tract, contact your veterinarian. Waiting until your dog starts to vomit will make removal of the object more difficult and costly. Also, if you notice a sudden loss of appetite, vomiting, excessive drooling or abnormal bowel movements, consult with your veterinarian immediately.
 
 • Chocolate Toxicity . Did you know that chocolate can poison your pet? Chocolate is toxic to both dogs and cats, and other candies and wrappers can become lodged in the stomach or cause your pet to choke. 


Chocolate has a high fat content and it contains caffeine and theobromine, which stimulate the nervous system and can be toxic if taken in large amounts. Depending on the type of chocolate ingested and the amount eaten, various problems can occur. White chocolate has the least amount of stimulants and baking chocolate has the highest. To learn more and to find out what kinds of chocolate are most toxic, go to: Chocolate Toxicity.
• Easter Lilies (and other lilies such as the day lily and the tiger lily). For many, the beautiful trumpet-shaped white flowers symbolize purity, virtue, innocence, hope and life - the spiritual essence of Easter. Cat owners, however, need to be especially careful with these beautiful flowers because their leaves contain toxins that can cause severe kidney damage. (So far, toxicity has not been reported in dogs. But if you have a cat, or know someone who does, this is information you need to know. Also, you do not want to bring a lily plant to someone's home if they own a cat.)


Eating just one leaf of this toxic plant can result in severe poisoning and within a short time the cat will exhibit signs of toxicity. Minutes to hours after ingestion, the cat may stop eating and begin vomiting. As the toxins begin to affect the kidneys, the cat may become lethargic, and within five days, kidney failure will cause death. 

To learn more, go to Easter Lily Toxicity.
Please share this with all of your pet loving friends, dog or cat, and help keep pets safe during the Easter holiday. I'd like to save as many pets as possible.
Tags: dog & cat Tips
Setting the Stage for Christ's Return,
When on earth Jesus Christ promised: "Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."1
With all that is happening in today's world many ask, "Is the return of Jesus to earth getting close?" It is true that only God knows just when this day will be,2 but of one thing we can be certain, Jesus Christ is coming again. Every prophecy in the Bible concerning Christ's first coming—prophecies that were predicted several hundred years before his birth—were fulfilled in minutest detail.3 We can be just as certain that the prophecies in the Bible regarding Christ's second coming will also be fulfilled in detail.
While we don't know the day of Christ's return, the Bible makes it clear that if we know what God's Word teaches, we will be able to discern the "signs of the time" that will indicate the nearness of Christ's return. True, individually, many of these signs have been happening since Christ's first coming, but today it appears that "they are all standing up at once." This, in turn, seems to indicate that the setting of the stage for Christ's return is accelerating. What, then, are some of the signs the Bible says will indicate the nearness of Christ's return?
1. Troubled Times
When Christ's disciples asked Jesus the same question, he said, "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. . . . Jerusalem will be trampled on by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.4
Jesus also said to his disciples, "Watch out that no one deceives you. Many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and will deceive many. When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains."5
"He told them this parable: 'Look at the fig tree and all the trees. When they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is near. Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that the kingdom of God is near.'"6
2. Israel's Homecoming
One of the most significant signs of the setting of the stage for Christ's return is "Israel's Homecoming;" that is, the return of the Jewish people to their homeland of Israel. Why do I say this is significant? Because for Christ's return, according to biblical prophecy, Israel has to be back in the "Promised Land"—the land promised by God for perpetuity to the ancient Israelites some 3,600 to 4,000 years ago. In 1948, almost 2,000 years after the Romans destroyed Jerusalem and the Temple built by Herod in AD70 and forced the scattering of the Jews around the world, the nation of Israel was re-established. When you consider how many times other nations have tried to wipe Israel off the map—and still desire to—it is a miracle of God how, against overwhelming odds, this tiny nation has survived and prospered.
3. Jerusalem: The End of Gentile Control
Furthermore, Jesus said that Jerusalem would be trampled on—controlled by—Gentiles [non-Jews] until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.7 Today, almost all of Jerusalem is controlled by the Israelis. The control of Jerusalem by Gentiles after 2000 years is over. The times of the Gentiles is now fulfilled. This is another positive sign that the way is rapidly being made ready for the return of Jesus Christ.
4. The New Jewish Temple
Equally significant is the fact that Israel has to be back in the Promised Land in preparation for both the return of Christ and the entrance of the coming Antichrist who will appear at or about the same time as Christ's return. The Antichrist, a messenger of Satan, the devil, will make a Peace Pact with Israel at the beginning of the coming seven-year Great Tribulation, and then, in the mid-Tribulation period he will desecrate the Jewish Temple by setting himself up as God in the Temple. Already world leaders are desperate for peace in the Mid-east and when peace is promised by the Antichrist, who will no doubt be a silver-tongued, powerful charismatic leader, the world, the United Nations, and the United States will jump to accept his offer.
This means that the Jewish Temple will have to be rebuilt and in place after having been destroyed in AD70 by the ancient Romans. Earlier this year Joy and I had the opportunity to be in the Temple Institute in Jerusalem and learned firsthand that the Jews are right now drawing up plans for building the Third Temple. They are also training priests at this time to lead worship in the new Temple, and are currently making the instruments needed for Temple worship. Thus, at this very time, the Jews are waiting in the wings (as it were) ready to build and erect the Third Temple. We noted in yesterday's Daily Encounter that only God knows the day and hour of Jesus Christ's return to earth. At the same time God's Word assures us that we can know the nearness or proximity of his return by certain signs that are stated in God's Word, the Bible. Yesterday we looked at four of these signs: 1). Troubled Times; 2). Israel's Homecoming; 3). Jerusalem: The End of Gentile Control; and 4). The planned new Jewish Temple. Today we will consider four more significant signs of the possible nearness of Christ's second coming. They are as follows:
5. Knowledge Explosion God's Word also says, "But you, Daniel, keep this prophecy a secret; seal up the book until the time of the end, when many will rush here and there, and knowledge will increase."8
Pastor John Jordan explained how, if we made a graph to indicate the increase of man's knowledge from the beginning of time to 1845 it would measure 1 inch (25mm). From 1845 to 1945—just 100 years—it would measure three inches (76mm). From 1945 to the present day it would be as tall as the Washington Monument, which is 555 feet (169m) high! According to one of my college professors, the world's knowledge was then doubling every five years. I don't know if this is accurate or not, but what we do know is that in the computer age, knowledge is increasing at an ever-accelerating, mind-boggling rate.
6. Travel Daniel said another sign of the nearness of the end of this world age as we know it would be that of mankind rushing here and there (or to and fro as another translation puts it). Some Bible translators indicate that this means rushing here and there for knowledge. Whether it means this or just people rushing here and there all over the world makes little difference as both are happening as never before in the history of mankind. Just go to any major airport in the world and you will see worldwide people rushing to and fro all around the world.
7. Globalism In his book, Seven Signs of the End Times, Mark Hitchcock wrote, "According to God's Word, the end of the age will be characterized by a global government, economy, and religion ruled over by one man, the Antichrist. This end-time world order is described most clearly in Revelation 13."9 Here we see the following:
Global Government: Authority over every tribe and people and tongue and nation was given to him.10
Global Religion: All who dwell on earth will worship him.11
Global Economy: "He provides that no one will be able to buy or to sell, except the one who has the mark, either the name of the beast or the number of his name."12
Have you noticed how the present U.S. leadership, along with the United Nations, is promoting a one-world economy and a one-world government, and how the former Prime Minister of England, Tony Blair, is now promoting a one-world religion.
Indeed, the setting of the stage, not only for the coming of Jesus Christ, but also for the entry of the Antichrist is also being set up right now in our time. It appears that our current world leaders are helping to prepare the way for the Antichrist who will be, for a short time, the ruler of the one-world government, the one-world economy, and the one-world religion.13 The good news, however, is that the Antichrist and his worldwide military might will be totally defeated by Jesus Christ at the end of the Great Tribulation time here on earth. This final battle is known at the Battle of Armageddon which will be centered in the Valley of Megiddo in Israel—a valley that is some 14 miles wide and 20 miles deep.
8. Worldwide Gospel Proclamation Another profound end time sign is found in the words of Jesus who said, "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."14 Because of modern means of communication, including high speed printing presses, radio, television, audio and video devices, and the electronic media (the Internet, e-Mail, social networks, and mobile phone applications) which have ushered in a communications revolution the like of which the world has never before seen—the gospel today is speeding to the ends of the earth as never before in all of human history. Even in the ministry of ACTS International we are having visitors to our websites from 194 countries and territories every month, and receiving salvation and re-commitment to Jesus Christ decision/responses every day of the year from people worldwide!
If you picture the above signs as an "End Times" jigsaw puzzle, you can see how each piece is already coming together and fitting into God's prophetic picture and plan for the end of time as we know it and the second coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.
The important issue is this: Jesus Christ's second coming is just as certain as was his first coming to earth! He is coming again. What if it were today? Would you be ready? Whatever you do make sure you have your passport for Heaven. Don't leave earth without it. You can get yours (there's no charge) by going to "Passport for Heaven" online at: www.actsweb.org/passport.php.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for Christ's promise that he is coming again to take all his true believers to be with him and you for all eternity. Please help me to make absolutely sure that I am ready for this dramatic world-changing event. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
To know for certain that you are ready for Christ's return and won't be left behind when he comes, read "How to Be Sure You're a Real Christian" on line at www.actsweb.org/christian. Or if you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died on the cross to pay the penalty for all your sins, and would like to accept Jesus as your personal Savior and God's forgiveness, see God's invitation at: www.actsweb.org/invitation.php.
Notes: 8. Daniel 12:4 (NLT). 9. Hitchcock, Mark, Seven Signs of the End Times, pp. 72-73. Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, CO 80921. © by Mark Hitchcock, 2002. 10. Revelation 13:7b. 11. Revelation 13:8a. 12. Revelation 13:17. 13. See "The Antichrist Is Coming" online at: http://tinyurl.com/coming-antichrist 14. Matthew 24:14 (NIV).
Tags: Christ,
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
"Can you get the expectant attitude of Faith? Not expecting evil, but a joyful trust of the next good." -- GOD
Our Daily Devotional:
Finding Hope
Isaiah 40:29-31, NIV: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Some days seem so very dark in the valley of the shadows. But hear the words of Jesus as He says now to you, "let not your heart be troubled." Hear Jesus say to you, "My peace I give you;" hear Him above the storms of your life as He commands your storms, "Peace...be still." We know the world in which we live is at various times so very hard to deal with. Sometimes nothing makes sense. Sometimes people let us down. Sometimes things seem hopeless. Yet, we have hope because we know God's light will overcome the darkness; His love will overwhelm the shadows; His peace will set still the most tumultuous times. When we are weary we can find rest; and we can learn to proclaim as David, "I will fear no evil: for thou art with me" (Psalm 23:4). "Why are you downcast, O my soul?" the Psalmist asks, "Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God" (Psalm 42:11). Like David, we face our giants from time to time. Like David, we can find in God all we need to see past the giants to the victory God has already won for us. For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: - Job 19:25
****************************** WORD FOR THE DAY:
undertone UHN-der-tohn , noun; 1. A color modified by an underlying color. 2. A low or subdued tone of speaking. 3. An unobtrusive or background sound. 4. An underlying quality or element; undercurrent.
Quotes: There are certain light reds which show an extraordinary brightness and beautiful undertone on cream or "natural white" enameled papers, while on paper slightly toned with blue the beautiful effect is gone. -- Emory Cobb Andrews, Color and its application to printing One of the most common mistakes women with ivory/ beige skin make is choosing a foundation with a pink undertone . -- Robert Jones, Looking Younger: Makeovers That Make You Look as Young as You Feel
Origin: Undertone is first used to describe in a visual sense around 1800.
***********************************
You might be a REDNECK if... ...the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
THINGS TO PONDER: If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
CONFUCIOUS QUOTE: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
You might be a REDNECK if... ...there are more fish on your wall than pictu
THINGS TO PONDER: What was the best thing before sliced bread?
*********************************** Pina Colada drink
Ingredients to use: 1 each maraschino Cherry 1 oz Coconut Cream 0.25 cup crushed Ice 1 each slice Orange 1 oz crushed Pineapple 1 oz light Rum
Directions:
Place all ingredients (except cherry and orange slice) in a blender and blend at high setting until smooth -- about 30 seconds. Strain into highball or collins glass and garnish with orange slice and cherry.
****************************************
Chorizo-Stuffed Pork Tenderloin
This mouthwatering pork tenderloin is stuffed with chorizo, cheese and spinach. Once you master stuffing a pork tenderloin—you just cut the tenderloin almost in half lengthwise, pound it, fill it and tie it closed with kitchen string—you won’t want it any other way. Serve with sautéed red peppers tossed with capers, parsley and sherry vinegar and roasted potatoes. To double this recipe, use 2 skillets or brown the tenderloins one at a time.
4 servings Active Time: 45 minutes Total Time: 45 minutes
INGREDIENTS 1 10-ounce package frozen spinach, thawed and squeezed dry 1/2 cup shredded smoked or extra-sharp Cheddar cheese 2 ounces Spanish chorizo (see Note) or hard salami, finely chopped 1/2 teaspoon salt, divided 3 cloves garlic, minced 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided 1 1-1 1/4 pound pork tenderloin, trimmed 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
PREPARATION Preheat oven to 450°F. Combine spinach, cheese, chorizo (or salami) and 1/4 teaspoon salt in a bowl. Combine garlic, 1 tablespoon oil and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt in another bowl; set aside. To butterfly the tenderloin, lay it on a large cutting board. Holding the knife blade flat and parallel to the board, make a lengthwise cut through the center of the meat, stopping short of the opposite edge so that the tenderloin remains in one piece. Open as you would a book. Cover with plastic wrap. With a meat mallet, rolling pin or heavy pan, pound the pork to an even 1/4-inch thickness. Spread the spinach mixture in the center of the pork, leaving a 1-inch border all around. Starting at a long side, roll up the pork to enclose the filling. To keep the stuffing from falling out during roasting, fold in about 1 inch of the two short ends as you roll. Tie kitchen string firmly lengthwise around the roast to secure the two ends, then tie it crosswise at 2-inch intervals. Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon oil in a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and lightly brown the pork on all sides, 4 to 6 minutes total. Brush the top with the reserved garlic mixture; season with pepper. Transfer the pan to the oven and roast the pork until an instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part registers 145°F, 15 to 20 minutes. Let rest on a clean cutting board for 5 minutes before slicing.
TIPS & NOTES Make Ahead Tip: Prepare through Step 4, wrap tightly and refrigerate for up to 8 hours. Note: Spanish-style chorizo is a seasoned, fully cooked smoked pork sausage. Find it near other cured sausages in well-stocked supermarkets, specialty food stores or online at tienda.com.
NUTRITION Per serving: 323 calories; 20 g fat ( 7 g sat , 10 g mono ); 86 mg cholesterol; 4 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 31 g protein; 2 g fiber; 652 mg sodium; 661 mg potassium.
Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin A (169% daily value), Folate (27% dv), Zinc (22% dv), Magnesium (21% dv), Calcium (20% dv), Potassium (19% dv), Iron (15% dv).
Carbohydrate Servings: 0
Exchanges: 1 vegetable, 4 lean meat, 1 1/2 fat
*********************************** Greek Lamb Skewers Active Time: 20 Minutes Total Time: 1 Hour 20 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
INGREDIENTS 1 1/2 lb. diced lean lamb 1/4 cup lemon juice 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 teaspoons minced garlic 2 teaspoons chopped fresh oregano leaves DIRECTIONS Marinate diced lamb in combined lemon juice, oil, garlic and oregano for 1 - 12 hours. Prepare a fire in a grill to a high heat. (For wood or charcoal barbecues, heat to glowing coals. There must be no flames.) Thread diced lamb onto metal skewers, reserving marinade to use as a baste. Cook, turning and basting occasionally, for about 8 minutes, or until sealed, well browned and done to your liking.
*********************************** Oriental Beef Sticks
Active Time: 20 Minutes Total Time: 20 Minutes Yield: Serves 6
INGREDIENTS 1 1/2 pounds lean beef strips 1/2 cup plum sauce 2 teaspoons soy sauce 1 clove garlic, minced 1/2 teaspoon grated fresh ginger root 1/4 teaspoon minced chili DIRECTIONS Prepare a fire in a grill to a high heat. Push beef strips onto 8-12 oiled bamboo skewers. Combine all remaining ingredients and brush over meat. Cook skewers for 3-4 minutes each over meat. Cook skewers for 3-4 minutes each side, brushing repeatedly with the spicy sauce. If you like to add vegetables to your skewers, make sure the pieces are the same size as the meat. Button mushrooms and summer (baby) squash can be used whole. Fruit can work well (both for its color and flavor), but it must be firm, not overripe or soft. Onion is great on a kabob. Cook for a few minutes first by simmering in water or cooking for a minute in the microwave oven.
*********************************** Chicken Satay
Active Time: 25 Minutes Total Time: 40 Minutes Yield: Serves 6
INGREDIENTS 2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, thinly sliced 1 tablespoon vegetable oil fresh cilantro sprigs, for garnish For Satay Sauce: 1 cup roasted unsalted peanuts 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1 onion, finely chopped 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 teaspoons chopped fresh chiles 1 tablespoon chopped fresh lemongrass (see note) 2 teaspoons curry powder 1 teaspoon ground cumin 1 1/2 cups unsweetened coconut milk 2 tablespoons packed brown sugar 2 teaspoons lime juice
NOTE: If lemongrass is not available, substitute 2 teaspoons grated lemon or lime zest.
DIRECTIONS Soak 12 bamboo skewers in water for at least 30 minutes to prevent scorching (or use metal skewers).
FOR SATAY SAUCE: Blend or process peanuts for satay sauce until crushed. Heat oil in a frying pan, add onion, garlic, chili, lemongrass, curry powder and cumin, and cook, stirring until onion is soft. Add nuts and remaining ingredients and stir until hot. Prepare a fire in a grill. Thread chicken onto skewers and brush with oil. Grill skewers for about 10 minutes, or until tender. Serve skewers on a bed of thinly sliced vegetables, if desired, with satay sauce spooned over.
***********************************
'Tis not in mortals to command success,
But we'll do more, Sempronius,—
We'll deserve it.
—Addison.
*********************************** AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'Yes...Yes...I Won...I Won!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
***********************************
Scripture - A practical guide through life
You gotta laugh... In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan. James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
*********************************** And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
***********************************
Cockpit banter on South West Airlines........? A jumbo jet leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!', the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same!
*********************************** excellent reading........... For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coastand live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,.fetching, and hair dressing.This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs,. and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat. and that conservatives .provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. .Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers inHollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer.
*********************************** A Lawyer and a Senior
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
*********************************** Sex And Good Grammar
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
This explains why I forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dogwalked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.' Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
********************************** DIVORCE AGREEMENT THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement: --Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. --We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. --You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. --Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. --We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. --You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. --We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. --You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. --We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. --We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. --You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. --You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. --We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. --You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. --We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. --You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. --We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. --We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." --I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World". --We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. --Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
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HAT A GREAT SHOW !!!!!! Good ol’ days of Hollywood Squares
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD: "Try to picture a bodyguard of My servitors in the Unseen, waiting and longing to do all that is necessary for your well being." -- GOD
Our Daily Devotional: Finding Hope Isaiah 40:29-31, NIV: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Some days seem so very dark in the valley of the shadows. But hear the words of Jesus as He says now to you, "let not your heart be troubled." Hear Jesus say to you, "My peace I give you;" hear Him above the storms of your life as He commands your storms, "Peace...be still." We know the world in which we live is at various times so very hard to deal with. Sometimes nothing makes sense. Sometimes people let us down. Sometimes things seem hopeless. Yet, we have hope because we know God's light will overcome the darkness; His love will overwhelm the shadows; His peace will set still the most tumultuous times. When we are weary we can find rest; and we can learn to proclaim as David, "I will fear no evil: for thou art with me" (Psalm 23:4). "Why are you downcast, O my soul?" the Psalmist asks, "Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God" (Psalm 42:11). Like David, we face our giants from time to time. Like David, we can find in God all we need to see past the giants to the victory God has already won for us.
Romans 13:6-7 “This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.â€
For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly. - Deuteronomy 7:4
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
terpsichorean • terp-sih-kuh-REE-un • adjective : of or relating to dancing Examples: One film critic speculated that this feel-good, terpsichorean movie would have tweens across the nation begging their parents to send them to dance school.
"The Jazz Singer turned the industry on its ear, and Jolson's contribution can hardly be overstated. His vitality, inseparable from his ego, was tuned to a vocal, terpsichorean, and comedic pitch that nullified the need for microphones, scripts, or other actors." -- From Gary Giddins' 2010 book Warning Shadows: Home Alone with Classic Cinema
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“A lot of people you think you know you don't know until you find out you don't know then it may be too late to know. †Kenneth Clark
“There are two kinds of companies, those that work to try to charge more and those that work to charge less. We will be the second. †Jeff Bezos
“People weren't buying as many records. My record company did not want me. I went through three record companies, went on tour at the wrong time. It destroyed me. †Adam Ant
You might be a REDNECK if... ...there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
Mae West "I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."
Joseph Campbell "Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
Joan Rivers "Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be."
THINGS TO PONDER: How does the snow plow driver get to work?
"Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential." - John Maxwell
THINGS TO PONDER: How can someone walk up hill both ways through 32 feet of snow?
You might be a REDNECK if... ...you can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
"The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." - Mark Twain
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Naming Chinese Kids
How do Chinese parents name their kids?
The parents take a couple of dishes with them and head upstairs. They reach the top of the stairs and throw the dishes downstairs.
"CHING!!! CHONG!!!"
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Lamb Chops with Garlic and Olive Oil
Tender lamb chops take only a few minutes to cook but are elegant enough to serve to company.
Serves: 4 Prep. time: 5 minutes Cooking time: 10 minutes 6 tablespoons olive oil 2 garlic cloves, minced 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper 8 1 inch thick lamb rib chops, (about 2 3/4 pounds in all)
Light the grill or heat the broiler. In a shallow dish, combine 4 tablespoons of the oil with the garlic, salt, and pepper. Add the lamb chops and turn to coat.
Grill over high heat or broil the lamb chops for 5 minutes, basting with the remaining 2 tablespoons oil. Turn and cook until done, about 5 mins on each side ********************************** Mimosa drink Ingredients to use: 3 oz Champagne 1 dash Grand Marnier 3 oz Orange juice Directions: Pour orange juice into a large chilled wine glass. Slowly pour in the champagne, stirring gently. Top with a dash of Grand Marnier. ********************************** Honey-Soy Broiled Salmon A sweet, tangy and salty mixture of soy sauce, rice vinegar and honey does double-duty as marinade and sauce. Toasted sesame seeds provide a nutty and attractive accent. Make it a meal: Serve with brown rice and sautéed red peppers and zucchini slices. 4 servings Active Time: 20 minutes Total Time: 40 minutes INGREDIENTS 1 scallion, minced 2 tablespoons reduced-sodium soy sauce 1 tablespoon rice vinegar 1 tablespoon honey 1 teaspoon minced fresh ginger 1 pound center-cut salmon fillet, skinned (see Tip) and cut into 4 portions 1 teaspoon toasted sesame seeds, (see Tip) PREPARATION Whisk scallion, soy sauce, vinegar, honey and ginger in a medium bowl until the honey is dissolved. Place salmon in a sealable plastic bag, add 3 tablespoons of the sauce and refrigerate; let marinate for 15 minutes. Reserve the remaining sauce. Preheat broiler. Line a small baking pan with foil and coat with cooking spray. Transfer the salmon to the pan, skinned-side down. (Discard the marinade.) Broil the salmon 4 to 6 inches from the heat source until cooked through, 6 to 10 minutes. Drizzle with the reserved sauce and garnish with sesame seeds. TIPS & NOTES Tips: How to skin a salmon fillet: Place skin-side down. Starting at the tail end, slip a long knife between the fish flesh and the skin, holding down firmly with your other hand. Gently push the blade along at a 30° angle, separating the fillet from the skin without cutting through either. To toast sesame seeds, heat a small dry skillet over low heat. Add seeds and stir constantly, until golden and fragrant, about 2 minutes. Transfer to a small bowl and let cool. NUTRITION Per serving: 234 calories; 13 g fat ( 3 g sat , 5 g mono ); 67 mg cholesterol; 6 g carbohydrates; 4 g added sugars; 23 g protein; 0 g fiber; 335 mg sodium; 444 mg potassium. Nutrition Bonus: Selenium (60% daily value), excellent source of omega-3s. Carbohydrate Servings: 1/2 Exchanges: 3 lean meat, 1/2 other carbohydrate ********************************** Frosted Easter Cut-Outs
20 min 6 min 6 dozen 2-inch cookies
COOKIES 1 1/4 cups sugar 1 stick Crisco Butter Flavor All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks OR 1 cup Crisco Butter Shortening 2 large eggs 1/4 cup light corn syrup 1 tablespoon vanilla extract 3 cups Pillsbury BEST All Purpose Flour, plus 4 tablespoons 3/4 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon salt
FROSTING 1 cup powdered sugar 2 tablespoons milk Food coloring (optional) Decorator Frosting
.COMBINE sugar and shortening in bowl of electric mixer; beat at medium speed until well blended. Add eggs, corn syrup and vanilla; beat until well blended and fluffy. .COMBINE 3 cups flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl; gradually add to shortening mixture, beating at low speed until well blended. .DIVIDE dough into 4 equal pieces; shape each into disk. Wrap with plastic wrap. Refrigerate 1 hour or until firm. .HEAT oven to 375ºF. .SPRINKLE about 1 tablespoon flour on large sheet of waxed paper. Place disk of dough on floured paper; flatten slightly with hands. Turn dough over; cover with another large sheet of waxed paper. Roll dough to 1/4-inch thickness. Remove top sheet of waxed paper. .CUT into desired shapes with floured cookie cutter. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Repeat with remaining dough. .BAKE 5 to 7 minutes or until edges of cookies are lightly browned. Cool 2 minutes on baking sheet; transfer to cooling rack to cool completely.
FROSTING 1.COMBINE powdered sugar and milk in small bowl; stir until smooth. Add food coloring, if desired. Stir until blended. Spread on cookies; let stand until frosting is set. Decorate as desired. **********************************
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
Moms and Dads like wraps because they're neat and compact--so beware: ours is messy and spicy. This fiery combination of buffalo chicken in a modern wrap is guaranteed to drip. Get out the big napkins and have a ball!
4 servings Active Time: 35 minutes Total Time: 35 minutes
INGREDIENTS 2 tablespoons hot pepper sauce, such as Frank's RedHot 3 tablespoons white vinegar, divided 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil 1 pound chicken tenders 2 tablespoons reduced-fat mayonnaise 2 tablespoons nonfat plain yogurt Freshly ground pepper, to taste 1/4 cup crumbled blue cheese 4 8-inch whole-wheat tortillas 1 cup shredded romaine lettuce 1 cup sliced celery 1 large tomato, diced
PREPARATION Whisk hot pepper sauce, 2 tablespoons vinegar and cayenne pepper in a medium bowl. Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken tenders; cook until cooked through and no longer pink in the middle, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Add to the bowl with the hot sauce; toss to coat well. Whisk mayonnaise, yogurt, pepper and the remaining 1 tablespoon vinegar in a small bowl. Stir in blue cheese. To assemble wraps: Lay a tortilla on a work surface or plate. Spread with 1 tablespoon blue cheese sauce and top with one-fourth of the chicken, lettuce, celery and tomato. Drizzle with some of the hot sauce remaining in the bowl and roll into a wrap sandwich. Repeat with the remaining tortillas.
NUTRITION Per serving: 275 calories; 8 g fat ( 2 g sat , 2 g mono ); 55 mg cholesterol; 29 g carbohydrates; 24 g protein; 3 g fiber; 756 mg sodium; 266 mg potassium. Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin A (35% daily value), Selenium (28% dv), Vitamin C (20% dv). Carbohydrate Servings: 2 Exchanges: 1 1/2 starch, 1 vegetable, 3 very lean meat, 1/2 fat ********************************** Grilled Picnic Taco Nachos Keep the heat outside with munchy nachos. A foil pan takes them from grill to picnic table in just minutes. PREP TIME 15 Min TOTAL TIME 15 Min SERVINGS 4 INGREDIENTS 5 cups tortilla chips 1 can (15 oz) Progresso black beans, drained, rinsed and mashed 1 can (4.5 oz) Old El Paso chopped green chiles, drained 2 teaspoons Old El Paso taco seasoning mix (from 1-oz package) 2 plum (Roma) tomatoes, chopped 2 medium green onions, sliced (2 tablespoons) 2 cups finely shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese blend (8 oz)
1Heat gas or charcoal grill. Spray 12x18-inch foil pan with cooking spray. Spread tortilla chips in pan. 2In medium bowl, mix beans, chiles and taco seasoning mix; spoon evenly over tortilla chips. Top with tomatoes and onions. Sprinkle with cheese. Cover pan with foil. 3Place foil pan on grill over medium heat. Cover grill; cook 8 to 10 minutes or until cheese is melted. Carefully remove foil. Expert Tips To reduce the calories to 470 and the fat to 12 grams per serving, make these nachos with baked tortilla chips and reduced-fat Monterey Jack cheese. Foil pans can bend or buckle when you lift them. Slide the pan onto a cutting board to give it more stability. ********************************** Newly Married Japanese Girl A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle." ********************************** New York City Poll A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?" ********************************** Nobel Prize Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks Herolal, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ********************************** No Entertainment There was a very stingy man who never gave entertainments at home. One day, his neighbor obtained the use of his hall and gave a banquet there. A passer-by who saw the scene of bustle and excitement asked the valet of the stingy man: "Is your master entertaining his guests today?" "Decidedly not, " answered the valet. " It'll be a generation hence that you will hear of our master giving a dinner party. " His master happened to overhear the remark and soundly berated him: "Who gave you leave to fix a date?" ********************************** The Paratrooper A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved." The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him. He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped. ********************************** Lemon kills cancer cells The surprising benefits of lemon! I remain perplexed! Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Charles Street Baltimore , MD 1201. This is the latest in medicine, effective for cancer! Read carefully & you be the judge. Lemon (Citrus ) is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells . It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy . Why do we not know about that? Because there are laboratories interested in making a synthetic version that will bring them huge profits. You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. Its taste is pleasant and it does not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy. How many people will die while this closely guarded secret is kept, so as not to jeopardize the beneficial multimillionaires large corporations? As you know, the lemon tree is known for its varieties of lemons and limes. You can eat the fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc... It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumors. This plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some say it is very useful in all variants of cancer . It is considered also as an anti microbial spectrum against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms, it regulates blood pressure which is too high and an antidepressant, combats stress and nervous disorders. The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world, says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the extracts revealed that: It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers , including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas ... The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug normally used chemotherapeutic in the world, slowing the growth of cancer cells. And what is even more astonishing: this type of therapy with lemon extract only destroys malignant cancer cells and it does not affect healthy cells. Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Cause Street , Baltimore , MD1201 ********************************** end page 1
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
ENGLISH HUMOR
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer... "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!" . .. . . . .. . . . . . . .. Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15-ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes... Then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30! . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?" "I did once and he looked really angry." "Why angry?" “Because he was watching through the window.†. . . . . . . . . . . . .. Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us. She fell at my feet and as I gave her a good seeing to I thought to myself, 'sod me, these Taser guns are well worth the money!' . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake! . . . . . . . . . . . . Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half. It was only when I got to the very top I realized I was still on the bus home. . . . . . . . . . . . . . The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, Boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis
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Daughter Moving Out
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, I-Phone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house". Well she didn't actually put it like that.... actually she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
"I look for faith that immediately lays to rest the doubts of the day as they arise." -- GOD
Our Daily Devotional:
Built Together
Ephesians 2:19-22, NIV: "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."
Perhaps it is part of a new and growing Christian's nature to seek to find place and purpose for one's self in the Kingdom of God. After all, it is true that we are all called to a personal relationship with God and individually gifted--fashioned specially by God for a unique purpose. But God's unique shaping of His children does not end there. For what good is a relationship if it does not transform, and what use is a gift if it is not used? What God does in and through us is glorious, but greatly transcends who we become as an individual. His relationship to us shapes to our place in his household. His spiritual gifts equip us to function within the body of Christ in a way that is purposeful and beneficial to the whole body. As we grow in Christ, we will discover wonderful treasures as individuals. But greater still will be our joy when we begin to see ourselves, not as individuals, but simply as part of a greater whole.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. - Genesis 1:27
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
praxis PRAK-sis , noun; 1.Practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills. 2.Convention, habit, or custom. 3.A set of examples for practice.
Quotes:
They wanted literature to be closer to praxis , but at the same time they sought to preserve the aesthetic autonomy of a work of art, which precluded practical involvement. -- Peter Uwe Hohendahl, Renate Baron Francisco, Building a National Literature: The Case of Germany
"Classically," he said, "the revolution proceeds at the most general level along dialectical lines between theory and praxis , praxis and theory." -- Jonathan Franzen, The Twenty-Seventh City
Origin: Praxis comes into English from the same Greek word, meaning "deed, act, action." **********************************
You might be a REDNECK if... ...yours truly, have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
THINGS TO PONDER: If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?
CONFUCIOUS QUOTE: In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson
You might be a REDNECK if... ...you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them." - Mark Twain
THING TO PONDER: What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
You might be a REDNECK if... ...you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
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How to Stop a Cat from Clawing Furniture
edits by:Wpendy, Josh W., Ben Rubenstein, Jamie
Clawing of furniture and other household furnishings, rugs, and objects is destructive behavior from your point of view. Yet, from the cat's point of view, it's natural behavior, following a biological need to keep its claws in top shape, as well as providing a form of exercise for his shoulders, legs, and paws through stretching and retracting.[1] It probably also feels really good! Another motive cats have for scratching furniture is emotional. They have scent glands in their paws, not a strong odor like a male cat's musk but distinct to the individual. Scratching spots advertise the cat's presence to other cats and other animals, declaring territory. Paradoxically, a cat may claw your favorite piece of furniture because he or she is marking you as his or her human. Protecting your furniture and other household goods is not impossible but it may take a little ingenuity and effort on your behalf.
Steps
1Appreciate the purpose of scratching or clawing. A cat doesn't scratch to give you grief. A cat scratches because it's a form of exercise for the cat's muscles from the claws right through to the legs and shoulders and down the back, and as a means for toning.[2] In addition, scratching also sharpens claws and cleans them. A cat that doesn't scratch will have underdeveloped muscles, something that can lead to other health problems. Cats also scratch to scent-mark territorial areas with their paws, which have scent glands usually indistinguishable to humans but very distinct to other cats and to dogs.
2 Purchase at least one scratching post for your cat. A scratching post is the answer to your scratching problem but it will take time to encourage your cat to use it and when purchasing the scratching post, there are some things to consider initially. You could also make a cat scratching post yourself if you're handy with basic woodwork. When selecting or building a scratching post, look for one that is at least as tall as your cat when he stands on his hind legs. Ensure that it is sturdy and cannot wobble when pressure is applied to it by your cat.
Whatever you choose, avoid anything fluffy. A cat's scratching post must be like tree bark (their natural scratching element), namely rough and coarse.[3] This is totally to your benefit because the cat will love it; whereas, as sweet as the fluffy version might look, your cat won't appreciate its lack of toughness. Posts with sisal fiber rope wound around them are best and the scratchier it is, the less inviting your heirloom needlework pieces will seem. It's a really good idea to have more than one scratching post, especially if you have upstairs and downstairs areas, or your house is large. This will lessen the probability that your cat will resort to furniture in other rooms without scratching posts. Focus principally on rooms you spend most time in, where your cat tends to sidle up and spend time with you, such as living rooms, TV rooms, games rooms, sitting areas, etc. Watch for which pieces of furniture the cat has clawed and their locations. If it is always the chair you sit in most, locate a scratching post near it and maybe leave a piece of your laundry on the top for a while or use its top tray as a drop spot for personal items so that your cat sees it as part of your territorial marker, like your favorite chair. This is where if you can afford it, a fancier Cat Tree with carpeted shelves, scratching posts and vertical cat resting spots can become your cat's own chair. This is especially relevant if your cat is extremely attached to one person in the household, putting the scratching post or cat tree in close contact with the favorite sofa or chair can make it even more enticing. A tree log complete with bark, this can make an ideal scratching post. However, this can have the disadvantage of bringing beasties into the house that were living in the log, so if you can't be sure the log or bark is clean, you might want to reserve this for near the back door, or near the cat door, as a sort of "have a good scratch before your enter" enticement. See How to make a cat scratching post or How to make a cat scratching post from a log for instructions on making your own posts.
3 Adding a toy can increase interest in the scratching post Train your kitten or cat to make use of the scratching post. Condition your kitten or cat to use the scratching post and nothing else for scratching. Put the post somewhere firm that it cannot topple over when the cat or kitten uses it. A sensible option is to place the scratching post next to a piece of furniture that has hitherto being the object of scratching attention or where it might be likely that a new cat would try to scratch were it not for the scratching post. If you want to make the post more inviting, rub catnip or spray catnip oil onto the post.[4] Encourage your cat to unleash his claws on the new scratching post by gently placing him in front of it. At the same time, gently stroke him and wait for him to respond to the post in front of him. Every time your cat uses the scratching post, offer him praise and give him a pat.[5] Bash Dibra suggests that you encourage your cat by gently placing his front paws onto the post and even moving the paws up and down on it, but Anita Frazier warns that many cats hate being forced to do anything and this can have a very negative effect.[6] It is probably best to let your cat discover it at first and if you know your cat well enough, you'll know whether he would mind you pushing his paws onto it or not; in most cases, it's not a good idea though. Alternatively, you could even "show" your cat how to scratch using your own fingernails. Or, dangle a toy over it that bangs against the post to draw your cat's attention to the pole and in swiping the toy, he may discover the joy of the scratching pole behind it. You can also take the direct approach of explaining what you're doing to the cat in English. Many cats understand human words more than you think they would. "This is yours. I know you need to mark the place we sit most often, so I got you this because it's even better for your claws." Wrap up a new scratching post for an older cat used to getting its own way.[7] If you haven't had the opportunity to train your kitten to use a scratching post from scratch (pardon the pun), you might like to wrap the post up and let your cat "discover" this wonderful new scratching item for himself. If he feels he found it and can lay claim to it, you won't have any more troubles convincing him to use it. Sometimes cat rivalries may interfere with use of a scratching post. If one cat is being chased away from it by another, be sure the cat who lost the dominant position has its own post in another area. Each cat in a multi-cat household may have different personal territories and favorite places. It's the same as some cats who won't use a litter pan that other cats use and demands to have a personal one. If you notice your cat exhibiting nervousness or dislike of the scratching post, try tilting it onto its side, thereby making it smaller and less threatening while he gets used to it.[8] Another method of conditioning your cat to like his scratching post is to withhold your greeting upon returning home until you reach the scratching post. Stand at the post and scratch it with your nails, telling your cat how happy you are to see him. When he comes near the post and starts clawing it, stop scratching it yourself and start stroking him while he scratches the post, all the while praising him for being such a good cat.[9] Anitra Frazier likes to accompany this ritual with the words "Let's greet! Let's greet!" as she advances to the scratching post, giving the cats a habit to follow.[10]
4 Use your tone of voice. A sharp "NO!" whenever your cat goes anywhere near a clawed piece of furniture can help to reduce his interest in clawing it.[11] If you don't like yelling or sounding fierce, rattle a can of pebbles or pennies to startle him. Then, pick him up and place him next to the scratching pole as a means of conditioning him. Don't sound angry or go into a nasty tirade against your cat; remember he is simply following instincts and you're the higher level being with the ability to control your emotional outburst. Never scold your cat when he is near or using the scratching post. He needs to associate the scratching post with all things pleasant and happy.
5 Use water. If you have a spray bottle of water, you could try squirting your cat whenever he goes near the furniture and starts scratching it.[12] Aim to do this before he starts scratching but if not, squirt mid-scratch. This won't hurt him but it will help him to associate scratching that piece of furniture with a less-than-pleasant spritz of water!
6 Cover problem furniture. Some pieces just seem to get marked for special scratching treatment because they feel just right to your cat. In this case, there are several options you can try: Apply double-sided tape to the furniture.[13] Cats dislike the sticky feeling and won't continue to stick their claws wherever it's sticky (the hairless skin (leather) of the cat's paws is extremely sensitive to touch.[14] For larger furniture, adhere masking tape over the arms, or on the back of the furniture where the cat will often enjoy playing (and hiding from water spritzing). For a larger area, such as a rug or carpet, leave contact sheet sticky side up over the surface you're keen to protect.[15] You can also buy a product called "Sticky Paws" which are medical grade adhesive sticky strips that can go on curtains, drapes, carpets, and anything else that might be a bit too tempting for puss.[16] For cats who seem to live it up when you're at work or away from home, cover the furniture in plastic covers. Cats are not fond of walking over plastic because of its smell and feel.[17] You could also try placing blown-up balloons hidden underneath a sheet covering the furniture which will burst when clawed, causing the cat a fright that will be retained in relation to that piece of furniture long after the balloon has popped.[18]
7 Keep your cat's claws trimmed. Since part of the reason for scratching is to sharpen and even shorten claw growth, you can help out with a regular, careful trim of your cat's claws. If you don't know how to clip a cat's claws, ask your vet to show you how to do this the first time, as it is easy to hurt the cat badly if you don't what you're doing.[19] [20]A cat that is not used to claw clipping can be a little bothered by it initially but persevere until he is comfortable with it. Again, praise him while trimming his claws so that he knows you are caring for him. It is useful to "blunt" the tips of the claws of an indoor cat that never has access to outdoor trees. You can do this with toenail clippers but you must know the correct cutting line to avoid injuring the cat, so ask your vet to show you this for the first time.[21]
8 Shut doors to rooms with very special furniture, furnishings and objects. If you have antiques or furniture that is of great value for one reason or other, then consider leaving it in a cat-free zone. Ensure that everyone in the family is aware that the cats must not be let into that area or room and always keep doors to this area closed. If the cat does ever wander in, shoo him out abruptly so that he associates it with being "out of bounds" (not that any cat owner is silly enough to believe he'll respect that of course but at least when another human is in there he'll know he's on notice). Ask the humans in the house to take care rather than expecting the cat to know the difference between important furniture and less important furniture.
9 My personal heaven Allow your cat some outside time where possible. If your cat is already able to go in and out of the house, it is highly likely that he has found himself a tree or two to scratch on. Encourage this (unless it's harming the tree) and continue to let him have appropriate outside time, as using nature for a scratching post will definitely reduce his desire to use your furniture as one.
10 Be patient and be understanding. You love your cat and the precious bond both of you share. Cats know when you care and will reciprocate and do their best to please their human companions provided they know they're supported and praised. Over time, with repeated loving practice, your cat should become used to using the scratching post and leaving the furniture alone.
When your cat is young or no matter what the age every time you see the cat beginning to claw say hey or no and give them the idea with your tone of voice that this is not right and the cat will stop and run at first then it will know it's wrong and just claw outside. I've had cats for years and if you give them a lot of love they will do anything a dog will. I don't go for all of this cuddling stuff that people do because it can give the animal the idea that it is boss and not you . Basically an animal just wants to get along and know who's boss because they are pack or pride animals like lions or wolves.They want to know who's boss and behave appropriately . My cat will heal like a dog, will sit and stay and goes to the bathroom outside so I don't need a box or have to buy cat litter. The first thing you have to do with a cat is talk to it and show it you love it and it will meow or talk back then it basically will do anything you want . Trust and love is the first thing I feel in training a cat or any animal for that matter. Tips
Scratching boards and posts come in different sizes and uses. Some are flat on the floor and some are raised. Some are made of hemp. Try different types. It is better to have too many around, than not enough. Cat trees with scratching posts, small dens and high resting platforms are particularly attractive to cats. They're a little expensive but may satisfy territorial marking instincts as well as sharpening claws. They also provide even more exercise with climbing and leaping. If the cat's especially clingy, position it so that one of the resting shelves is in easy reach while you're sitting in the chair or sofa that gets the worst clawing - and at least one of the scratching posts in the assembly is in easy reach from that platform. You can purchase vinyl nail caps from the pet store to cover your cat's claws. They won't hurt your cat and might solve your problem. Scratching sharpens their claws. Make sure you cut them at least once a week, and no less than twice a month. Have patience with your cat. If you feel you just cannot stand them anymore, contact your veterinarian for further advice on an animal behaviorist. A cat trainer or declawing should not be necessary if you use patience and diligence in training your cat. Explain things to your cat in English in a calm voice. Don't talk down to them, just reason with them. They will pick up enough between your words and body language to understand you and this may help solve many communication problems. Gesture and demonstrate while explaining. Clear packing tape can be applied to furniture and door frames on which your cat likes to sharpen their claws, they don't like the feel and it is nearly invisible to you. Another option, put something sturdy and tough like a cover made out of carpet on the scratching area, removing it only when there are guests. This can also be used for successive approximation training - get them used to the fitted "carpet antimacassar" (it drapes over the arm and back of the sofa), then once that's been partly clawed and is filled with the cat's scent, drape it over a scratching post sitting right next to the sofa. See if the cat will keep clawing the carpet bit rather than the sofa itself. Rub your hands on the "carpet antimacassar" a bit too so that it carries your scent as well as the cat's while it's on the arm of the chair - and pet it occasionally while it's hung on the scratching post.
Warnings
Don't ever cover the scratching post with the same carpet as that on your floor, or the same fabric as any furnishings in the house.[22] Do so and you're just asking for trouble by association... Never yell at a cat. That only serves to weaken the relationship, they don't understand it as punishment or avoidable. They just see it as you being loud and hot tempered. Their usual response is to just get out of your way till you're done being mad and go on doing whatever they did that you yelled about - they take it personal. Some cats may not like having their claws trimmed. Get them used to it by holding them in the pit of your arm, while you cut with the other hand. Abandon the thought of declawing as an answer to saving your furniture. Declawing is a cruel process for a cat that essentially results in removing your cat's defense mechanism, leaving them physically and emotionally maimed. A declawed cat is unable to walk or balance properly, he will resort to biting sooner and more often than a clawed cat (because his teeth are all he has left to fend off dangers with), and he will become nervous and tense without their front-line defense, regardless of their indoor or outdoor living status. The operation itself is painful, prolonged, and is in effect ten complex and challenging amputations. While declawing is permitted in the United States and Canada, many vets simply refuse to carry out declawing as an option.[23] And in Australia it has been outlawed as inhumane.[24]
Things You'll Need
Scratching post Catnip, catnip oil/essence Double-sided tape Cat toys Spray bottle with water
********************************** Inner Peace: This is so true If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably .......... The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual!!
And this works for Cats too . . . . **********************************
Farmhouse White Bread Though we're glad that chewy, rustic breads of the European type are becoming more widely available, we fear that old-fashioned farmhouse white bread is on the endangered species list.
The milk in the recipe not only adds protein and minerals, but it also creates a tender, spongy texture, a greater sweetness and a golden crust. The dough rises high in the bowl, promising plenitude.
It makes great butter rolls, too. Just roll out a loaf's worth, spread with melted butter, and roll like a jelly roll. Cut 1-1/2 inch lengths, put them cut-side down in well-buttered muffin tins, and bake at 425 degrees F until risen and well browned, about 20 minutes.
Yield: 3 loaves, or 2 loaves and a dozen rolls.
Scald 3 cups fresh milk with 3 tablespoons butter. Set aside to cool. Dissolve 2 packages dry yeast (2-3/4 teaspoons per pack) in 1/2 cup warm water. Combine 2 cups all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons salt, 3 tablespoons sugar in large mixing bowl. To this mixture add the dissolved yeast and milk. Gradually stir in about 7 more cups of flour. (I substitute 1-1/2 cups or 2 cups whole wheat bread flour for some all-purpose.) Knead until dough is smooth and elastic (about 6 minutes), then set the dough to rise in large bowl in a warm place until it has doubled in size (1-1/2 hours). Punch down and let rise again (about 1 hour). After the second rising, form into loaves and let rise again in bread pans. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F and bake until loaves are nicely browned and sound hollow when turned out of the pan and tapped on the bottom, about 35 minutes.
Delicious when warm, in sandwiches, as toast, and when several days old, as French toast.
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Portuguese Sweet Bread My grandmother, Mary Grace Deschenes, was an unusual woman for her day. An accomplished artist, she studied at Pratt Institute in New York in the early 1900s, eventually returning to her native New Bedford, Massachusetts, where she married and had her only child, my father.
As a little girl, I often visited Gramma at her home at 563 Dartmouth Street, the oldest house in South Dartmouth. There was a big, old-fashioned kitchen with a painted wooden table, and the whole place was full of brightly colored china, nautical decorations, and my grandmother's paintings.The luscious smell of Sweet Bread in the oven and Soupash (Portuguese Kale Soup) on the stove was as certain as a big hug on my way in the door. Luckily for me, I inherited both her artistic talent and her recipes for these authentic Portuguese foods.
"Massa Suvada," or Portuguese Sweet Bread, is traditionally served on Easter, with the eggs symbolizing new life in the Resurrection. Sometimes a whole egg is actually baked into the bottom of the loaf. We had it hot out of the oven, then toasted on a fancy wire toaster that looked like a four-sided pyramid. This bread is too good to eat only once a year.
Scald 1 cup milk. Add 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup butter (not shortening), 1-1/2 teaspoons salt, and stir until butter melts and sugar dissolves. Cool. Soften 1 package or 1 cake yeast in 1/4 cup warm water. Add to cooled milk mixture. Transfer to large bowl. Beat in 4 eggs. Add 1/2 teaspoon mace and 1/2 teaspoon lemon extract (optional); stir in 5 to 6 cups flour. Dough should be firm and only slightly sticky. Turn onto floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic. When it's a round ball and feels as smooth as a baby's behind, it's OK. Place dough in a greased bowl covered with waxed paper and a clean cloth. Let rise double slowly, 3 to 4 hours in a cool place, or overnight in the refrigerator.
When the dough is well risen, punch down, re-cover, and let rise again, 1-1/2 to 2 hours.
Punch down again, shape 2 loaves, and place in greased pans or on greased sheet. Cover and let rise double, about 1 hour.
Bake at 400 degrees F for 10 minutes, then reduce heat to 375 degrees F and bake until loaves are well browned and sound hollow when tapped, 35 to 40 minutes. Cool on rack.
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Raisin Bread Here's a great tip: let bread dough rise in a bowl that is set on a heating pad at low heat. This is especially handy in the winter if your house tends to be on the cool side.
Yield: Makes 2 loaves.
1-1/2 cups golden raisins Sherry to cover raisins 1/2 teaspoon mace 2 teaspoons grated orange rind 1 package dry yeast (1 scant tablespoon) 2 cups warm milk 1/3 cup sugar 2 teaspoons salt 3 tablespoons butter 5 to 6 cups flour Melted butter 1 egg yolk 2 tablespoons cream The night before, plump raisins in sherry with mace and orange rind added. (Drain before using.) The next day, dissolve yeast in 1/4 cup of the milk. Combine rest of milk, sugar, salt, and butter in large bowl. Add yeast mixture and, using a wooden spoon, stir in enough flour to make a stiff dough. Knead on a floured board until elastic and smooth, about 10 minutes. Place in a greased bowl and let rise, covered, until doubled. Punch dough down, and knead briefly. Return to bowl and let rise for 30 minutes. Divide dough in half and roll each part into a 20x7-inch rectangle. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle with drained raisin mixture. Tightly roll up dough widthwise, pinching ends together. Fit into 2 buttered 8x4-inch loaf pans, and let rise until tops are just above rims of pans. Brush with mixture of egg yolk and cream. Bake at 400 degrees F for 10 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 degrees F and bake 20 to 30 minutes longer.
************************************ Greek Easter bread
A traditional Greek Easter bread, baked with a red-dyed egg on top, covered with two strips of dough in the form of a cross. This is a very sweet bread, delicately flavored with anise.
Yield: Makes 2 loaves.
2 packages dry yeast 1/2 cup warm water 1 cup warm milk 1/2 cup butter, melted 2 teaspoons salt 2 tablespoons anise extract 3 eggs, beaten 1-1/2 cups sugar 9 cups flour (approximately)
Combine the first 5 ingredients. Add the anise extract, beaten eggs, and sugar. Stir in the flour, 3 cups at a time, and transfer to a lightly floured surface. Knead about 10 minutes or until smooth. Place in greased bowl, turning once, and cover with damp towel. Allow to rise until doubled -- about 2 hours. Punch down and place in 2 greased 9-inch round pans, reserving just enough dough to form a cross on the top of each bread. A red egg can be placed in the center of the bread and the cross formed over it. Let rise 1 hour, then bake 30 minutes at 350 degrees F. Remove from pans immediately and brush with butter.
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Santa Fe Meat Loaf
This zesty meat loaf goes well with mashed potatoes and a simple cucumber salad.
Serves: 8 Prep. time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 1 1/4 hours 2 pounds lean ground pork 1 teaspoon cooking oil 2 medium onions, finely chopped 4 garlic cloves, crushed 1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and minced (wear rubber gloves when handling hot pepper) 4 tablespoons dried tomatoes, minced 1 tablespoon chili powder 1 teaspoon ground cumin 1 1/2 teaspoons salt 1 teaspoon fresh thyme 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper 1/2 cup fresh parsley, finely chopped 1/2 cup dry bread crumbs 1/2 cup skim milk
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In large nonstick skillet heat oil over medium-high heat. Sauté onions and garlic until soft, about 10 minutes; cool slightly and transfer to large bowl. Add remaining ingredients and mix thoroughly. Place mixture in a 9- x 4 1/2- x 2 1/2-inch loaf pan and bake for 1 1/2 hours. Remove from the oven and allow to rest 10 minutes before removing from pan. Slice to serve warm, or wrap well and refrigerate for sandwiches.
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DO CATS STUTTER?
Old but still cracks me up !!
A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.
end page 1 go to pg 2
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
REMINDERS FROM GOD:
When Life Gets You Down
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."1
A reader, who had anything but peace in her heart, writes, "I'm a follower of Jesus, but I'm tired of being lonely, depressed and stressed out. I want to be happy and enjoy life, and not be so miserable. I also want to be a better mother to my children, and to have my family back together again."
Hello Susan (name changed), unfortunately, both for Christians and non-Christians, there are times when life does get us down, and we need help to get up again. When we are down and feel miserable, we need to understand the causes for our blahs—causes that may be physical, spiritual, relational, and/or emotional, or a combination of any or all of these. Let's take a quick look at each of these areas:
Physical. At times like this, it pays to have a good physical examination by your doctor to make sure there is nothing wrong physically, or if there is a chemical imbalance in your body. Either one of these can be a cause of misery and depression.
Spiritual. It is also important to make sure your life is right with God and that you are living in harmony with his will. For instance, unresolved guilt can cause havoc with one's emotions. Thus, any and all sins need to be confessed and resolved so that you know in your heart that you have been forgiven by God. See below for further help in this area.
Relational. Quite possibly, the number one reason for unhappiness in life is impaired relationships. Thus, wherever possible, it is critical that any and all impaired relationships are resolved. Unfortunately, it isn't always possible to resolve broken relationships especially when the other person involved isn't interested in fixing the relationship or has died. Even the Bible acknowledges that it isn't always possible to live at peace with everyone.2 When this is the case, it is imperative that we do all that we can to resolve our side of the conflict and not harbor any negative, hurt, or angry feelings. Sometimes professional counseling is needed at times like this.
Emotional. Furthermore, if one's depression is long-standing and the cause is not physical, relational, or spiritual, it is advisable to see a skilled professional counselor.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, whenever I am feeling down, miserable, lonely, sick and/or depressed, please help me to see the real cause/s—including any unresolved issues within me—and lead me to the help I need to resolve my problem. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
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WORD FOR THE DAY:
concatenate • kahn-KAT-uh-nayt • verb : to link together in a series or chain
Examples:
As part of her presentation, Tiffany created a flow chart that concatenated all of the company’s suppliers and accounts.
“You may want to place fields on a data-entry form quite differently from the way you want them to print on reports. For example, on the data-entry form, you might want to display separate fields for first, middle, and last names, but on a printed report, you may want to concatenate those fields into a single full name.â€-- From an article by William Porter in Macworld, February 1, 2011
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"Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something. " - Gertrude Stein
Jack Benny "I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
Joan Collins "The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer."
Jane Wagner "The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. –Jack Handey
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Filipino From Bicol
A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house.
He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus, The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"
Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"
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Fish From Well
A host served his guest fish every meal. However, most of the fish had had their middle sections cut out. The guest asked, "Where are the fish from?"
"From the pond," the host answered.
"No, they must be from the well. That would explain why they're so short."
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Flapping Flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
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Flasher
Three old ladies were seating on a bench in a park. They were enjoying the tranquility when a man wearing a trench-coat suddenly appeared right in front of them.
Standing very close to the three old ladies, he opened his coat an FLASHED himself.
The first old lady was so shocked she fainted.
The second old lady also fainted.
And the third old lady? Well, she had a STROKE.
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Fluctuations
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
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Fly In My Soup
There were 3 men having soup together in a restaurant. One was white, the others were Asian and Jewish. They all found out that there was a fly in each of their soups.
The white guy was horrified and called the waiter to replace the soup.
The Asian guy saw what the white guy did, and said "such a waste of food." He then spooned out the fly and threw it away.
The Jewish guy saw what both men did, and said "Such a waste of food." He then picked the fly up with his fingers, squeezed the soup out of it and sucked it, then threw it away.
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Potato and Cheddar-Cheese Soup
Active Time: 15 Minutes Total Time: 30 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
A few simple ingredients make a sumptuous soup. Be sure to use a high-quality cheddar; it's crucial to the dish's flavor. Choose a yellow cheese for the richest color. For a chunkier soup, skip the pureeing and just break up some of the potato with a spoon.
INGREDIENTS 1/4 pound sliced bacon, cut crosswise into thin strips 1 large onion, chopped 3 pounds baking potatoes (about 6), peeled and cut into 1-inch cubes 4-1/2 cups water 1 teaspoon salt 6 ounces cheddar, grated (about 1-1/2 cups) 1/4 cup chopped chives or scallion tops DIRECTIONS In a large saucepan, cook the bacon over moderate heat until crisp. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon and drain on paper towels. Pour off all but 2 tablespoons of the bacon fat or, if you don't have 2 tablespoons, add enough cooking oil to make up the amount. Reduce the heat to moderately low. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Stir in the potatoes, water, and salt and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, covered, stirring occasionally, until the potatoes are tender, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove half the soup from the pan and puree in a food processor. Alternatively, mash some of the potatoes with a potato masher. Return the puree to the pan. Over low heat, add the cheese and stir until melted. Remove the pan from the heat. Taste the soup and add more salt if needed. Serve the soup topped with the bacon and chives.
VEGETABLE TIP: Boiling potatoes have less starch than baking, or Idaho, potatoes and consequentially hold together better when boiled. This is why they're often used in soups and for potato salads. Not in this soup, though. Since we want some of the potato to break down into smaller pieces and thicken the soup, baking potatoes are the perfect choice.
WINE RECOMMENDATION: Serve a Washington State merlot with this rich and smoky soup. Merlots from Washington's Columbia and Yakima Valleys are a bit more restrained than their brethren from California and have a distinct mineral undercurrent that makes them a natural here.
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Potato Cinnamon Rolls with Sugar Glaze Active Time: 30 Minutes Total Time: 10 Hours Yield: Makes 12 rolls
While the addition of mashed potatoes to these rolls may seem surprising, it actually makes a lot of sense. Yeast loves the starch in potatoes and reacts with it beautifully to produce fluffy, tender rolls. These cinnamon rolls are baked in an oversized muffin tin and rise up into plump, spiraled mushrooms. If you don't have the pan, you can place them 2-inches apart on a parchment-lined baking sheet, but they will look very different.
INGREDIENTS
For the Dough: 1/3 cup instant mashed potatoes 1/2 cup boiling water 1 cup buttermilk 2 large eggs 6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) butter, softened cut into pieces 1/4 cup sugar 3/4 teaspoons salt 3 1/2 cups bread flour 2 teaspoons bread machine yeast or 1 1/2 teaspoons SAF instant yeast
For the Rolls: 3/4 cup (packed) golden brown sugar 1/4 cup granulated sugar 2 tablespoons ground cinnamon 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, softened 2/3 cup pecan pieces
Sugar Glaze
Active Time: 5 Minutes Total Time: 5 Minutes
This simple glaze is delicious drizzled over warm cinnamon rolls.
INGREDIENTS 1 tablespoon butter 1 tablespoon whole milk 1 tablespoon water 1 1/4 cups powdered sugar 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
DIRECTIONS Heat butter, milk and water in medium bowl in microwave just to boiling. Stir in vanilla. Add sugar; stir until smooth.
DIRECTIONS
FOR THE DOUGH: Line large baking sheet with parchment paper; sprinkle lightly with flour. Stir instant mashed potatoes and boiling water in small bowl until thickened. Cool until warm, about 10 minutes. Place potato mixture and all remaining dough ingredients in bread machine pan in order listed. Program machine for Dough Cycle; press Start. Transfer prepared dough to baking sheet (dough will be very soft, almost sticky, yet smooth and springy). Pat dough into thick rectangle. Cover with two layers of plastic wrap; refrigerate 6 hours to overnight. Check once and press dough down to deflate.
FOR THE ROLLS: Butter sides and bottoms of two 6-cup giant muffin pans. Combine sugars and cinnamon in small bowl; set aside. Let dough stand on counter 20 minutes. Press dough down to deflate. Transfer dough to lightly floured work surface. Roll out dough to 18x12-inch rectangle. Spread softened butter evenly over dough, leaving 1-inch border around edges. Sprinkle with cinnamon-sugar and pecans; press in pecans with fingers. Starting at one long side, roll dough jelly-roll style forming log. Pinch seam to seal. Trim ends. Cut log crosswise into twelve 1-inch-thick pieces. Arrange slices cut side down in prepared muffin cups. Cover loosely with plastic.
DO-AHEAD TIP: At this point, rolls can be made up to 1 day ahead. Cover tightly with double-layer of plastic wrap and refrigerate. Loosen plastic wrap before proceeding. Let loosely covered rolls rise at room temperature until puffy, about 1 hour and 15 minutes (or 1 hour and 30 minutes for refrigerated rolls). Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 375 degrees F 20 minutes before baking. Bake rolls until tops are dark brown and filling bubbles, about 18 minutes. Transfer pans to wire racks. Cool until warm, about 25 minutes. Remove rolls from pans. Drizzle with Sugar Glaze. Serve warm or at room temperature.
DO-AHEAD TIP: Finished rolls can be made up to 1 month ahead. Cool completely. Enclose each roll in plastic sandwich-size freezer bag and freeze.
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Potato Fritters
Active Time: 25 Minutes Total Time: 35 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
In a strictly traditional lunch in Genoa these cuculli, a kind of rough and tasty croquette of fried potatoes, are served as a hot antipasto, or as a vegetable with stewed rabbit or lamb. Other Italian regions have similar dishes, but what makes the Genoese cuculli special is the fine flavor imparted by the marjoram and pine nuts.
INGREDIENTS 2 lb floury potatoes 7 tablespoons butter 1 sprig marjoram 1/4 cup pine nuts salt 3 eggs, separated 2 tablespoons freshly grated parmesan cheese 1 cup dry bread crumbs olive oil, for frying
DIRECTIONS
Wash the potatoes thoroughly. Boil in plenty of salted water until cooked through. As soon as they have cooled enough to handle, peel the potatoes and mash them in a food mill, a potato ricer or with a fork. Add 4 tablespoons butter and beat vigorously until the potatoes are smooth and soft. Pound the marjoram and pine nuts in a mortar and place in a bowl with the potatoes and a pinch of salt. One at a time, beat in the egg yolks, making sure each one is absorbed before adding the next. Stir in 1 to 2 tablespoons of Parmesan, until the dough is soft but firm. In a shallow bowl beat 2 egg whites with a fork or whisk. Place the breadcrumbs in another shallow bowl. Take about 2 teaspoons of the potato mixture and form it with your hands into a little ball. Dip it in the egg white and then in the breadcrumbs. Continue until all the potato "dough" is used. Put a large skillet on to heat with enough olive oil to cover the fritters. When the olive oil starts to smoke, fry the potato balls until they swell up and are evenly browned. Drain on paper towels. Serve hot.
**************************
Sausage and Potato Quesadillas
Active Time: 20 Minutes Total Time: 25 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
These substantial double-decker quesadillas call for fresh (not the more common dried) chorizo sausage, which is generally made with paprika. If you can't find fresh chorizo, use another sausage, such as hot Italian, in its place. Or use a mild sausage and add an extra half teaspoon of hot paprika.
INGREDIENTS 1 pound fresh chorizo sausages or other sausages, casings removed 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon cooking oil 1 baking potato (about 1/2 pound), peeled and cut into 1/4-inch cubes 3/4 teaspoon hot paprika 1/4 teaspoon salt 12 6-inch flour or corn tortillas 1/4 cup chopped red onion 1/2 cup cilantro leaves 1/2 pound Monterey jack cheese, grated (about 2 cups)
DIRECTIONS
Heat the oven to 425 degrees F. In a large nonstick frying pan, cook the sausage over moderately high heat, breaking it up with a fork, until browned, about 5 minutes. With a slotted spoon, remove the sausage from the pan. Pour off the fat from the pan. Heat the 1 tablespoon oil in the pan over moderate heat. Add the potato, 1/2 teaspoon of the paprika, and the salt and cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, about 10 minutes. Put four of the tortillas on a work surface. Put half of the sausage, potato, onion, cilantro, and cheese on the tortillas, spreading the ingredients all the way to the edge, and top with four more tortillas. Repeat with the remaining sausage, potato, onion, cilantro, and cheese and cover with the remaining four tortillas. Brush the tops of the quesadillas with the remaining 1 teaspoon oil and sprinkle with the remaining 1/4 teaspoon paprika. Put the quesadillas on a baking sheet and bake until the cheese melts, about 5 minutes. Cut into wedges and serve.
**************************
Smoked-Sausage, Cabbage, and Potato Soup Active Time: 15 Minutes Total Time: 30 Minutes Yield: Serves 4
Sausage is one of our favorite soup ingredients, but we're less fond of the grease slick it can leave floating on the surface. Our solution: Brown the sausage while the soup is simmering, and combine the two just before serving. No cooking time added, and much fat subtracted.
INGREDIENTS 2 tablespoons cooking oil 1 onion, chopped 1 3/4 pounds green cabbage (about 1/2 head), shredded (about 13/4 quarts) 1 pound baking potatoes (about 2), peeled, halved lengthwise, and cut crosswise into 1/2-inch slices 1 quart water 2 cups canned low-sodium chicken broth or homemade stock 1 bay leaf 1 1/2 teaspoons dried thyme 1 1/2 teaspoons salt 3/4 pound smoked sausage, such as kielbasa, quartered lengthwise, thinly sliced crosswise DIRECTIONS In a large pot, heat the oil over moderately low heat. Add the onion; cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the cabbage, potatoes, water, broth, bay leaf, thyme, and salt to the pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, partially covered, stirring occasionally, until the cabbage and potatoes are tender, about 20 minutes. Meanwhile, put a large nonstick frying pan over moderate heat. Add the sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Remove the sausage from the pan and drain on paper towels. Just before serving, remove the bay leaf from the soup and stir in the sausage.
Variation: In a separate pan, cook three quarters of a pound of sausage links, cut into slices, and stir them into the soup instead of the smoked sausage.
**************************
Another reminder! No matter how many times you get this E-mail, Please send it on!!!! Bottled water in your car is very dangerous! On the Ellen show, Sheryl Crow said that this is what caused her breast cancer. It has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels of dioxin in breast cancer tissue. Sheryl Crow's oncologist told her: women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car. The heat reacts with the chemicals in the plastic of the bottle which releases dioxin into the water. Dioxin is a toxin increasingly found in breast cancer tissue. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been left in a car.
Pass this on to all the women in your life. This information is the kind we need to know that just might save us! Use a stainless steel canteen or a glass bottle instead of plastic!
LET EVERYONE WHO HAS A WIFE / GIRLFRIEND / DAUGHTER KNOW PLEASE!
This information is also being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center .
No plastic containers in microwaves. No plastic water bottles in freezers. No plastic wrap in microwaves.
Dioxin chemical causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to cells in our bodies. Don't freeze plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic. Recently the Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard.
He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating food in the microwave using plastic containers.... This especially applies to foods that contain fat.
He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastic releases dioxin into the food.
Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same result, but without the dioxin. So, such things as TV dinners, instant soups, etc., should be removed from their containers and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's safer to use tempered glass, such as Pyrex, etc.
He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the styrene foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons...
Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Cling film, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead. This is an article that should be sent to anyone important in your life!
************************** HEY, WASN'T THIS US ?
A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.
We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.
We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.
When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together. Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.
Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.
Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?
The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.
There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.
The mailman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."
There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.
One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.
The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane. **************************
TWINS
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -- they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." **************************
Gate 14 in the Denver Airport . It happened at the Denver Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts and smarts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you! A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
*********************************************
TODAY WOULD BE MY GRANDMOTHER CURTIS'S BIRTHDAY She has been gone for many years, and I find myself missing her today as much as I did when she first passed. She was my friend, mother, confidant, my everything.
I would like to honor her memory with the following Poems:
A Grandmother is…
A Grandmother is one of life’s best gifts, Someone to treasure all life through, She’s caring and loving, Thoughtful and true, Someone who is always a special part of your life, Someone who holds a prime place in your heart, She’s a mentor, a confidant and also a friend, Someone on whose love you can depend. A Grandmother always has your best interests at heart, She’s someone so dear and so good, She’s a blessing, she’s a gift, She’s a treasure like no other, She’s someone that is truly wonderful. Wherever you go, and whatever you do, A Grandmother’s love will always see you through, A Grandmother is truly invaluable, Indispensable and unforgettable. I wouldn’t want anyone but you, And that’s why I’m so grateful, that life picked you for me.
~ Author Unknown ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legacy of Love
A wife, a mother, a grandma too, This is the legacy we had from you. You taught us love and how to fight, You gave us strength, you gave us might. A stronger person would be hard to find, And in your heart, you were always kind. You fought for us all in one way or another, Not just as a wife not just as a mother. For all of us you gave your best, Now the time has come for you to rest. So go in peace, you’ve earned your sleep, Your love in our hearts, we’ll eternally keep.
~ Author Unknown ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Had a Wonderful Grandmother
We had a wonderful grandmother, One who never really grew old; Her smile was made of sunshine, And her heart was solid gold;
Her eyes were as bright as shining stars, And in her cheeks fair roses you see. We had a wonderful grandmother, And that’ s the way it will always be.
But take heed, because She’s still keeping an eye on all of us, So let’s make sure She will like what she sees.
~ Author Unknown ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Can You Say
What can you say to someone who has always been one of the most essential parts of your world; Someone who took you by the hand when you were little and helped to show the way.
What do you say to someone who stood by to help you grow, providing love, strength, and support so you could become the person you are today?
What can you say to let her know that she’s the best there is, and that you hope you’ve inherited some of her wisdom and her strength?
What words would you say if you ever got the chance? Maybe you’d just say, I love you Grandmom, and hope she understands…
~ Author Unknown ~
Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More
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