REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"Be transmitters of Joy. Love and laugh. Cheer all. Love all." - GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

Not My Will

Luke 9:23-24, NIV: "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.'"

If I were to deny to myself, what would that look like? Jesus denied Himself, and it meant a life of slavery to God the Father. He counted His rights to anything from this life as forfeit: "Not my will, but Thy will..." Am I willing to recognize that I must deny myself what I want out of life in order that God's purpose be fulfilled in me? Am I willing to take up my cross daily and follow Him? Jesus took up His cross as one condemned to die. Do I live as though I am on death row--condemned to die? If so, my considerations are to putting my house in order, seeking God, and loving others while there is time. I do not plug away making for myself a life in this world, for the next world weighs heavy on my mind. "...anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me" (Mt. 10:38). The natural reaction is to begin to question, "But, doesn't God want me to have..." this or that? God wants our full and complete surrender to Jesus. In turn, He is able to give you what He wants you to have--and that is far greater than anything we would seek for ourselves.

He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.

- Psalm 24:4

1 Corinthians 15:20-22

“But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.”

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

parable • PAIR-uh-bul  â€¢ noun

: example; specifically : a usually short fictitious story that illustrates a moral attitude or a religious principle

Examples:

The priest opened his homily by relating the parable of the Good Samaritan that appears in the Gospel of Luke.

"Look for no blameless in ‘The Adventures of Pinocchio,’ Carlo Collodi’s 1883 folk classic about a naughty puppet who longs to be a real boy. A far cry from Disney’s sanitized classic, Collodi’s masterly parable captures the spirit of childhood anarchy as few other works of children's literature have before or since." -- From a theater review by F. Kathleen Foley in the Los Angeles Times Culture Monster blog, March 3, 2011

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THINGS TO PONDER:  Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

You might be a REDNECK if...

   ...you have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

- John Wooden

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

- Sun-Tzu

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

–Jack Handey

Robert Anthony

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Mark Twain

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

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Folklore, Magic and Myths of Gardening

Garden Magic, Myth and Folklore

The garden has long been seen as a mysterious place. Its the place where tiny plant seeds magically transform into the fruits, vegetables and herbs our bodies need.

The perceived mystery and magic of the garden has led to centuries of myth and folklore around the things we grow and how we grow them. Here is a list of some of the most entertaining, unique, wide spread or simply fascinating Magic, Myth and Native Folklore of Gardening.

Seeds: If  a pregnant woman plants seeds, everything in the garden will thrive.

Beans and Peas: When planting peas and beans, the rows should always run north and south, since the sun moves from east to west and gives the plants maximum sunshine.

Parsley: Parsley should never be transplanted,  growing from seed is thought to be critical. It takes seven weeks to germinate and one belief is that it grows down to the devil and then up again. Parsley should be picked, not cut; and never give it away as misfortune is sure to follow. Parsley is not only a sure sign of a strong woman, but it will only grow outside the home of an honest man.

Basil: Basil stands for “animosity,” and the planting method shows why… the  gardener should curse with great passion while planting basil seeds. As the basil is growing in the garden, you need to shout and scream at it to make it grow into a strong plant, otherwise they won’t grow! Basil is also a herb for purification, love and money. Put a piece of basil in each of the four corners of your house at the beginning of each season to bring wealth. . It is also reputed that any man will fall in love with a woman from whom he accepts some basil from as a gift.

Sage: Sage thrives in the garden of a woman who rules her household, and her husband firmly.

Flowers: Red and white flowers in the same vase were unlucky, and even today some nurses do not like to see these flowers in a vase together in their patient’s rooms.

Beans: Broad beans have been associated with forecasting the future. A European belief was that three beans should be prepared in different ways to produce an outcome and then hidden on Midsummer Eve for the inquirer to find. The untouched bean indicated wealth, the half-peeled bean indicated a comfortable life, whilst the third fully peeled bean indicated poverty. The future was revealed by which bean was found first.The ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras (of the theorem) founded a religion one of the basic tenets of which was the sinfulness of eating beans.

Caraway: Caraway is thought to be useful in combating burglaries. Place it among your valued possessions, if the thief manages to get into the house then the caraway will transfix the person until rescue arrives. For women worried about their husbands wandering off with other women, placing some caraway in the pocket will do the trick.

Carrot: Write the word “carrot” on a piece of paper and hide it. Ask some-one to quickly answer your questions, ask “what is 1 + 1?”, “what is 2 + 2? etc. until the answer is 128, then ask them to name a vegetable, they will almost always answer with “carrot” – reveal your paper.

Garlic: In the Far East garlic is believed to have the power to bring back lost souls and it is  heavily used in religious ceremonies. Garlic is also thought to be a powerful aphrodisiac.

Leeks: Old Welsh tradition is to rub themselves with leeks before going into battle to bring extra strength and power while providing protection from injury.

Lettuce: The Romans believed that the lettuce plant was a powerful aphrodisiac and to prevent drunkenness. It was served in quantity at feasts and weddings for these reasons. In England, on the other hand, country people traditionally believed that planting lots of lettuce in the garden could prevent conception!

Mushrooms: Japanese believed that mushrooms and toadstools were made by thunder. Greeks and Aztecs believed they were made by lightning.

Peas: Finding a single pea in a pod when shelling them is a sign of good fortune. Finding nine means that you can make a wish once you’ve thrown one of the nine over your shoulder.

Parsley: Parsley has traditionally been associated with death and disaster. Bad luck will come your way especially if you cut Parsley for your cooking, transplant it or give it away  and you are in love at the same time.

Whether you garden by myth and folklore or you by hard work, sun, rain and prayer- or maybe both- it’s fun and interesting to learn the stories around the garden.

If you have any fun gardening folklore, magic or myths to share…please do!

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Strawberry Margarita #2

Ingredients to use:

4 parts Sour mix

0.5 cup fresh Strawberries

2 parts Tequila

1 part Triple Sec

Directions:

Blend, serve in exotic glass with a straw.

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Grilled Chicken Satay with Cucumber Salad

Pair cool and crunchy cucumbers in a light vinaigrette with grilled chicken skewers, made easy with prepared peanut sauce.

PREP TIME  40 Min

TOTAL TIME  40 Min

SERVINGS  4

INGREDIENTS

Chicken Satay

1/2 cup Asian peanut sauce

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/4 teaspoon salt

Cucumber Salad

3 cups thinly sliced peeled seedless cucumbers

1/3 cup halved thinly sliced red onion

2 tablespoons white vinegar

1 teaspoon sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

Toppings

2 tablespoons coarsely chopped cocktail peanuts

2 tablespoons thinly sliced green onions (2 medium)

3/4 cup Asian peanut sauce

1Soak 8 (10-inch) wooden skewers in water 30 minutes. Heat gas or charcoal grill. Place 1/2 cup peanut sauce in medium bowl; set aside. Cut chicken crosswise into 1/2-inch thick slices. Thoroughly coat chicken slices with sauce in bowl; sprinkle with 1/4 teaspoon salt. Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes.

2In another medium bowl, stir together cucumber salad ingredients; set aside.

3Remove chicken from bowl; discard peanut sauce. On each skewer, thread 4 to 5 chicken slices. Place skewers on grill over medium heat. Cover grill; cook 6 to 8 minutes, turning once, until chicken is no longer pink in center.

4To serve, divide cucumber salad among 4 serving plates. Top with chicken skewers and toppings.

Expert Tips

Peanut sauces can be spicy. Check out the ingredients on the label before buying to get an idea of how hot the sauce is.

When placing chicken on skewers, keep the skewers centered in the chicken slices as much as possible so the slices have less exposure to the grill surface to avoid burning.

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Strawberries and Cream Dessert Squares

PREP TIME 30 Min

TOTAL TIME  2 Hr 30 Min

SERVINGS  20

INGREDIENTS

Crust

1 pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty Crocker® sugar cookie mix

1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened

1 egg

Filling

1 cup white vanilla baking chips (6 oz)

1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened

Topping

4 cups sliced fresh strawberries

1/2 cup sugar

2 tablespoons cornstarch

1/3 cup water

10 to 12 drops red food color, if desired

1  Heat oven to 350°F. Spray bottom only of 15x10x1- or 13x9-inch pan with cooking spray. In large bowl, stir cookie mix, butter and egg until soft dough forms. Press evenly in bottom of pan. Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool completely, about 30 minutes.

2  In small microwavable bowl, microwave baking chips uncovered on High 45 to 60 seconds or until chips are melted and can be stirred smooth. In medium bowl, beat cream cheese with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Stir in melted chips until blended. Spread mixture over crust. Refrigerate while making topping.

3  In small bowl, crush 1 cup of the strawberries. In 2-quart saucepan, mix sugar and cornstarch. Stir in crushed strawberries and 1/3 cup water. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and thickens. Stir in food color. Cool 10 minutes. Gently stir in remaining 3 cups strawberries. Spoon topping over filling. Refrigerate 1 hour or until set; serve within 4 hours. Store covered in refrigerator.

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Oven-Fried Chicken Tenders

PREP TIME  10 Min

TOTAL TIME  30 Min

SERVINGS 4

INGREDIENTS

1/4 cup Gold Medal all-purpose flour

1 egg

1 tablespoon water

1 cup Progresso plain or Italian style panko crispy bread crumbs

1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1 package (about 1 1/4 lb) chicken breast tenders

Favorite dipping sauce, if desired

1Heat oven to 425°F. Line cookie sheet with foil; spray with cooking spray.

2In shallow dish, place flour. In another shallow dish, beat egg and water. In third shallow dish, mix bread crumbs and cheese. Coat chicken with flour; dip into egg mixture, then coat with bread crumb mixture. Place on cookie sheet.

3 Bake 15 to 20 minutes, turning once, until chicken is no longer pink in center and coating is golden brown. Serve with dipping sauce.

Expert Tips

Make the tenders with Italian style panko bread crumbs, and serve with marinara sauce for dipping.

Barbecue sauce, ranch dressing and honey mustard are great dipping sauce options.

For extra-crispy tenders, drizzle with 2 tablespoons melted butter before baking.

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Grilled Beef Fajita Salad

Grilled beef steak and fajita ingredients are served on a bed of salad greens with a sassy salsa dressing.

PREP TIME 30 Min

TOTAL TIME 30 Min

SERVINGS  6

INGREDIENTS

Salsa Dressing

1 container (14 ounces) refrigerated salsa (1 1/2 cups)

1/4 cup olive or vegetable oil

Fajita Salad

2 teaspoons chili powder

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 teaspoon garlic salt

1-pound beef sirloin steak, about 1 inch thick

2 medium red or green bell peppers, sliced

1 medium onion, sliced

9 cups bite-size pieces romaine lettuce

Guacamole, if desired

Sour cream, if desired

1 Heat coals or gas grill for direct heat. Mix all Salsa Dressing ingredients; set aside.

2 Mix chili powder, cumin and garlic salt. Sprinkle mixture over both sides of beef.

3 Place bell peppers and onion in grill basket. Cover and grill beef and vegetables 3 to 4 inches from medium heat about 5 minutes for medium-rare or about 7 minutes for medium; turn. Grill 5 to 7 minutes longer or until desired beef doneness.

4 In large bowl, toss lettuce, grilled peppers and onion with half of the dressing. Cut beef diagonally into 1/2-inch slices; place on salad. Serve with remaining dressing, guacamole and sour cream.

Expert Tips

Prepare and grill the steak, bell peppers and onion up to a day ahead of time. Cover and refrigerate until serving.

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Quick Chicken à la King

PREP TIME 10 Min

TOTAL TIME 20 Min

SERVINGS  8

INGREDIENTS

1 can (16.3 oz) Pillsbury Grands! buttermilk biscuits

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper

1/2 cup chopped onion

1 can (18 oz) Progresso Vegetable Classics creamy mushroom soup

1 cup Green Giant frozen sweet peas

1 1/2 cups cubed cooked chicken

1Make biscuits as directed on can.

2Meanwhile, in 4-quart saucepan, heat oil over medium heat. Cook bell pepper and onion in oil 3 to 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until tender.

3Add soup, peas and chicken; cook until hot and bubbly. Serve over split biscuits.

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A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks." 

  "Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

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The  Pope and Michael Ignatieff are on the same stage in a  Stadium in  front of a huge crowd...

The Pope leans towards Mr.  Ignatieff and said, "Do you know that  with  one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this  crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a  momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and  they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Ignatieff replied, "I seriously doubt  that!  With one little wave of your hand ... show  me!"

 So.......................... the  Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND indeed THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED  WILDLY!

Kind  of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

 Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

 It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

 Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' 

 As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed. 

 I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 

 Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 

 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

 I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger  grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's  feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.  When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old  man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. 

The silence was almost deafening. 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

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English is the New Euro Language

ACHTUNG!   

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

 As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

 In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

 Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

 During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

 Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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 I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)*

*

*

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark !!!

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.. 

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: 

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! 

A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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In Search of . . . .

Not many of you know about me, and that is the way I like it.  But I have decided to open up and let you know some about me, in hopes maybe I can connect with someone that I knew when I was in the military.  SHOCKED?  Yep old Grammy was in the Army.  I was a Medic.  Please don’t ask me if I liked the military service for I would have to tell you a polite lie.  

I was stationed at San Antonio TX and met up with some great people there.  A group of us went down to Corpus Christy and then on down to Brownsville TX and on to Mexico right across the border.  I sure wish I could remember the people’s names I went with, all I can remember is we did have fun.  Seems a stroke I had has stolen lots of memories and names of people from me.  

From there I went to Ft. Gordon, Augusta GA.  There is where I spent the worst time.  I won’t go into that but that is where I was discharged, honorably and was so glad to get out.   But this is where my problem of remembering someone comes from.   I had a male friend there that I gave a ride to one Christmas before I got out of the service in 1975. He went to my mothers with me.  From there he went on home to his place.  

The one thing I do remember we made a promise which I have reneged on, to meet one New Years Eve under the falling ball.  Lol  Such memories I have that are so spotty.  I can’t even recall his name, and have spotty memories of what his face looked like.  I do recall he was a cute guy for someone of that era.  I don’t believe he was a full time military person but a guardsman.  

Anyway. . If whoever you are, are out there, and remember this incident do an old woman a favor, get in touch if you’re still around and remember.  

I am trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle of my life together now, and well this is one part that is missing.   

Strokes are such bad things when it affects your brain and nothing else.  I guess I am lucky that is what it affected, it could have been worst.  I could be physically disabled, and well after all I am a blonde, and this forgotten past maybe a blessing.  I found my diaries of that time, but not much made sense so now I am trying to piece it all together.  The diaries only reported a bad time and bad life while I was in the service, and only mentioned the trip with someone, I didn’t even write down his name.  Just he was someone special in my life, a special friend.   At the time I was so much in love with someone else that is all I could afford this man was just a special friend.

What a fool I was back then.  Lol  

Ok Mr. Whoever you were. . Where are you, come out come out wherever you are.  Just solve this mind boggling question for me.   I know you called my mother once after I got married, but you never tried again.  Little did you know that marriage wound up in a divorce, twice. . . 

I would love to know what happened in your life. . .

Your Military Friend. . . 

Myra Rathburn Grenier 

Tags: search for someone

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Animals Have Personalities Too

Tags: animals n personalities

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Animals Have Personalities Too

Tags: animals n personalities

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"You must not feel the burden of your failure. Go on in faith, the clouds will clear, the way will lighten."  -  GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

By Faith We Understand

Hebrews 11:3, NIV: "By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."

We seem to try so very hard to simplify, clarify, and reason things as such that they become agreeable to our own understanding. The familiar Proverb tells us, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" (Prov. 3:5). There are many things about God we will never understand, and yet we try. We try often to put God in a little box, so we feel comfortable in our knowledge of Him. Yet, it is "by faith we understand" in truth. Imagine how much we would truly understand--how much we could learn, and know--if we would allow ourselves to stop expecting God to teach us through what is visible, and allow Him to show us so much more through faith.

And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:

- Job 19:26

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

scurrilous   

  SKUR-uh-luhs  , adjective;

1.  Grossly or obscenely abusive.

2.  Characterized by or using low buffoonery.

Quotes:

As always with scurrilous  rumors, 'tis best to do nothing.

-- Julia Justiss, Rogue's Lady

But, promised the Prime Minister as he began, the speech would take only seven hours, at the most, providing the Opposition did not interrupt too often with scurrilous  irrelevancies.

-- Anthony C. Winkler, The Painted Canoe

Origin:

Scurrilous  likely traces its origin to the Etruscan language, coming into Latin as scurrilis , "fashionable city idler," and, later, "buffoon."

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You might be a REDNECK if...

   ...you have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper

THINGS TO PONDER:  How do they get the cream in the Twinkie?

CONFUCIOUS SAYS:  Look at the means which a man employs, consider his motives, observe his pleasures. A man simply cannot conceal himself!

THINGS TO PONDER:  Where are the germs that cause good breath?

You might be a REDNECK if...

   ...there were dogs in the church on your wedding day

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Full Moons and Dogs: Weird Things That Vets See During a Full Moon

Does your dog do anything strange during a full moon? Hmm... Makes you think, doesn't it?

If you know anyone that works in the emergency room - either a human ER or an animal emergency room - they will swear to you that things are different whenever there is a full moon. Strange things happen.

This is a true story. I was eating at Outback Steakhouse a few weeks ago. At the table next to me a woman was talking to herself. At the table to my right was a man who appeared to be having problems hitting his mouth with his food - food was ALL over the floor.  (By the way - isn't it nice to be somewhere that makes you feel VERY normal?  Ha!) 

Anyway, the waiter came over and we started chatting and he said, "Wow - what a group tonight." I smiled and he said, "You should come back tomorrow - this is nothing. Tomorrow is a full moon."  I have to admit, I was tempted but I stayed home the next night.

What do vets see when there is a full moon? We asked some vets to share their stories. To read them, go to: http://www.petplace.com/dogs/full-moons-and-dogs-weird-things-that-ve...

Many vets seem to see more dogs with seizures during a full moon. Lori wrote, "My Shar Pei was one who had a seizure during a full moon. The emergency vet stated that they had several seizure dogs that night and it seemed that every full moon was the same." 

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Be Yourself 

by Ellen Bailey 

Why would you want to be someone else 

When you could be better by being yourself 

Why pretend to be someone you are not 

When you have something they haven't got 

Cheating yourself of the life you have to live 

Deprives others of that only which you can give 

You have much more to offer by being just you 

Than walking around in someone else's shoes 

Trying to live the life of another is a mistake 

It is a masquerade; nothing more than a fake 

Be yourself and let your qualities show through 

Others will love you more for being just you   

Remember that God loves you just as you are 

To Him you are already a bright shining star 

Family and friends will love you more too 

If you spent time practicing just being you.

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How to Make a Palm Frond Cross

On the Sunday before Easter, many Christians celebrate Palm Sunday. Recalling the entrance of Jesus into Jerusalem, churches distribute palm leaves in remembrance of people who waved them and carpeted his path with them. One of the things you can do with these palm leaves is to fold them into crosses. These are great to give out as little gifts or hide as secret presents!

Steps

1Gently tear or snap off a palm blade off the palm stalk. The type of palm doesn't matter provided it bends easily; just test its give before snipping and keep testing until you find blades that are adequately flexible.

2Hold the palm blade pointy side up.

3Fold the blade to the right to make a 90 degree angle.

4Fold down once. Then, fold down again. You should now have a small square shape.

5Push the pointy end around the back of the square and fold over.

6Take the pointy end on the left, and loop it towards you without making any turns. Then:

Push then pull the pointy end through the square until it comes out of the square.

Pull through all the way.

7Hold onto the square with one hand and tug on the fat and pointed ends to secure it. You should now have a locked 90 degree angle.

8Take the pointy end and turning it towards yourself, push through the square. This is the head and base of the cross.

9Turn 45 degrees to where the pointy end is facing downward and the fat end is facing to your right.

10Flip it so that the fat end is now on your left.

11Take the fat end and loop it towards you into the square. Pull it until it reaches about the same length as the head.

12Turn it over to where the straight fat end faces left again.

13Take the fat end and loop it towards you back into the square. Pull until it is about the same length as the other two parts. Be sure to tuck it inside the other loop so that you can't see it. You're done!

Tips

It may take a few times to get this right, so just keep trying, as it's tricky for a beginner. Also, the plant material doesn't always respond as wished, so be patient; practice makes perfect!

Once you have it down, this folding action becomes very prayerful and meditative and is something worth sharing with others so that you spread the peace.

Warnings

Do not throw away the palm parts, even your messed up crosses, as this is considered very disrespectful if they have been blessed. Burial or burning is the proper manner or disposal.

Things You'll Need

Fresh, pliable palm fronds

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CHERRY ITALIAN COOKIES   

1 c. shortening

4 eggs

2 c. sugar

3 tsp. almond extract

3 tsp. vanilla

1 c. milk

5 tsp. baking powder

10 oz. cherries, cut up

1/2 c. nuts, chopped (optional)

2 lbs. flour

Red coloring juice (just a little)

Mix shortening and sugar together, add eggs and 1/2 of milk and baking powder, coloring, almond flavoring, vanilla and remainder of milk. Add enough flour to form a soft dough. Add cherries and nuts. Shape in small balls and place 2 inches apart on baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. Frost with butter frosting using almond flavoring and red coloring. Makes about 87 

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Lemon Cupcakes with Strawberry Frosting

PREP TIME 40 Min

TOTAL TIME 1 Hr 45 Min

SERVINGS  24

INGREDIENTS

Cupcakes

1 box Betty Crocker SuperMoist white cake mix

Water, vegetable oil and egg whites called for on cake mix box

3 tablespoons grated lemon peel

Frosting

4 to 6 medium strawberries (about 4 oz), hulled

1 container (12 oz) Betty Crocker® Whipped fluffy white frosting

Garnish, if desired

12 strawberries, sliced

Lemon peel curls

1Heat oven to 350°F (or 325°F for dark or nonstick pans). Place paper baking cup in each of 24 regular-size muffin cups. Make and bake cake mix as directed on box for 24 cupcakes, using water, oil and egg whites and adding grated lemon peel. Cool in pans 10 minutes. Remove from pans to cooling racks. Cool completely, about 30 minutes.

2 Place 4 oz strawberries in blender. Cover; pulse 20 seconds to puree strawberries. Pour 1/4 cup of the strawberry puree into medium bowl. Stir in fluffy white frosting until well mixed.

3 Generously frost cupcakes. Garnish with quartered strawberries and lemon peel curls.

Expert Tips

One lemon will yield 2 to 3 tablespoons of lemon juice and 1 1/2 to 3 teaspoons of grated lemon peel. You can freeze extra lemon juice and peel separately for another use.

To purchase the filigree shown on the cupcakes, go to www.fancyflours.com and search cupcake wrappers.

An easy way to hull strawberries is to push one end of a plastic drinking straw into the point of the berry and push it through to pop off the green cap.

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Lemon-Rosemary Turkey Meatballs

Lemon and rosemary flavor both these turkey meatballs and their velvety-rich sauce. Thyme can be used instead of the rosemary if you prefer. Serve with whole-wheat pasta or mashed potatoes.

4 servings, 3 meatballs & about 1/4 cup sauce each

Active Time: 50 minutes

Total Time: 50 minutes

 INGREDIENTS

1 medium onion, cut into chunks

2 large cloves garlic, smashed and peeled

2 teaspoons freshly grated lemon zest

2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary or 1 1/4 teaspoons dried, divided

1 pound 93%-lean ground turkey

3/4 cup fresh breadcrumbs, preferably whole-wheat (see Tip)

1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese

3/4 teaspoon kosher salt, divided

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper, plus more to taste

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

1/2 cup dry white wine (or substitute more chicken broth)

1 14-ounce can reduced-sodium chicken broth

4 teaspoons lemon juice

1 tablespoon butter

PREPARATION

Place onion, garlic and lemon zest in a food processor. Add 1 tablespoon fresh rosemary (or 1 teaspoon dried) and pulse just until the mixture is finely and evenly chopped (but not mushy).

Transfer the mixture to a medium bowl and gently mix in turkey, breadcrumbs, Parmesan, 1/2 teaspoon salt and pepper until combined. Use a generous 2 tablespoons each to shape the mixture into 12 meatballs (about 1 1/2 inches in diameter). Place flour in a shallow dish and roll the meatballs in it to lightly coat. (Reserve the remaining flour.)

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to medium, add meatballs and cook, turning once, until brown, 3 to 5 minutes total. Transfer to a plate.

Add wine (or 1/2 cup broth) to the pan, increase heat to medium-high and cook, scraping up any browned bits, until almost evaporated, 1 to 3 minutes. Add the can of broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a simmer and return the meatballs to the pan along with the remaining 1 tablespoon fresh rosemary (or 1/4 teaspoon dried). Cover and cook until the meatballs are cooked through, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove the meatballs to a serving bowl.

Bring the sauce to a boil over medium-high heat and cook until reduced to 1 cup, 4 to 8 minutes. Whisk lemon juice and 1 tablespoon of the reserved flour in a small bowl (discard any remaining flour); whisking constantly, add the flour mixture to the sauce along with butter and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Simmer, whisking, until slightly thickened, 1 to 2 minutes. Strain the sauce through a fine-mesh sieve. Serve the sauce over the meatballs.

TIPS & NOTES

Tip: To make your own fresh breadcrumbs, trim crusts from whole-wheat bread. Tear bread into pieces and process in a food processor until coarse crumbs form. One slice of bread makes about 1/2 cup fresh breadcrumbs.

NUTRITION

Per serving: 346 calories; 15 g fat ( 5 g sat , 3 g mono ); 78 mg cholesterol; 20 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 29 g protein; 2 g fiber; 641 mg sodium; 446 mg potassium.

Carbohydrate Servings: 1

Exchanges: 1 starch, 3 lean meat, 1 fat

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Strawberry Stripper drink recipe

Ingredients to use:

5 oz. Orange juice

1.5 oz. Strawberry schnapps

1.5 oz. Triple Sec

Directions: serve in highball glass

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Blueberry Jello Salad

Prep Time: 20 mins

Total Time: 20 mins

Servings:9-12

Ingredients:

2 (2 ounce) packages raspberry Jell-O gelatin

2 cups boiling water

1 (20 ounce) can crushed pineapple

8 ounces cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup nuts (optional)

1 (12 ounce) package frozen blueberries

1/2 cup sour cream

1 teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

 Dissolve Jello in boiling water. Pour into 12"x8"x2" dish. Add pineapple and blueberries. Chill or flash freeze until soft set. Combine cream cheese, sour cream, sugar and vanilla; beat until smooth and creamy. Spread evenly over salad. Sprinkle nuts on top.

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Chocolate Truffles

yield: Makes 30 to 36 truffles

People think of truffles as such a luxurious item, yet they couldn't be easier to make. Pop one in your mouth for a mid-afternoon snack or serve... 

ingredients

12 ounces good-quality semi-sweet or bittersweet chocolate

2/3 cup heavy cream or nondairy whipping cream

2 tablespoons Dutch processed cocoa powder

2 tablespoons confectioner's sugar

3 tablespoons finely chopped unsalted pistachios, almonds, or hazelnuts

print a shopping list for this recipe

preparation

Finely chop the chocolate by hand or in a food processor fitted with a metal blade, and place in a medium bowl. Pour the cream into a small heavy saucepan. Bring to a rolling boil over medium heat. Pour the cream over the chocolate. With a wooden spoon, gently stir to melt the chocolate. Don’t whisk or stir too strongly or you will incorporate air. Cover. Chill until firm, about 2 hours.

Line a baking sheet with parchment or waxed paper. With a small melon baller or ice-cream scoop, drop mixture by rounded teaspoonfuls onto prepared sheet. Freeze until firm, about 20 minutes.

Place the cocoa, confectioner’s sugar, and chopped nuts into 3 separate shallow bowls.

Roll 1/3 of the balls into the cocoa mixture, 1/3 into the confectioner’s sugar, and 1/3 into the chopped nuts. Quickly roll between your palms to form them into a perfect round shape. You may need to re-roll in the nuts or sugar if too much falls off. Return to parchment-lined baking sheet or other parchment-lined container, in a single layer. Cover with plastic and chill until ready to serve. Can be made 10 days ahead; keep refrigerated.

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OldPeople 

I never really liked the terminology "Old Person" but this makes me feel better about it. 

And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one! 

I got this from an "Old Personal friend of mine"! 

OLD PERSON PRIDE 

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old person receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. 

Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them. 

Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor ,  Guadalcanal , Normandy    and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention  Vietnam . 

If you bump into an Old People on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women. 

Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. 

Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies. 

Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren. 

It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old People 

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.   Me thinks I am old.

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The All Girl Biker Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'JUST before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a Blonde girl with a baseball bat. 

2. The bouncer is a Blonde girl. 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is Blonde and a professional weight lifter. 

5.. The lady to your right is a Blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still want to tell that Blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No.. not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'

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THE VIBRATOR

 As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

 within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter 

 with a vibrator.

 Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

 The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

 I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

 The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

 daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

 To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

 A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip ,  placed the groceries on the kitchen  counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room. 

 She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,  downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.. 

 The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 The wife asked: 'What the f. are you doing?'

 The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my  son-in-law.'

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Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather 

The building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow

Full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think

The man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck Me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

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New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 

(Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 

7) What was King George VI's first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. 

Check your answers below ....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years  

2) Which country makes Panama hats?   Ecuador  

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  November  

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur  

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?   Dogs 

7) What was King George VI's first name?  Albert   

8) What color is a purple finch?  Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?    New Zealand 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?   Orange (of course) 

What do you mean, you failed?

 Me, too. 

(And if you try to tell me you passed, !!!) 

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too .

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

  Revelation 3:1-3

(1) "And to the angel of the church in Sardis write,"These things says He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars: "I know your works, that you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead. (2) Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die, for I have not found your works perfect before God. (3) Remember therefore how you have received and heard; hold fast and repent. Therefore if you will not watch, I will come upon you as a thief, and you will not know what hour I will come upon you. 

After calling them essentially the "church of the mostly dead," He instructs them to "be watchful." He complements this with, "strengthen the things which remain," which qualifies the meaning of "watch." There is still a glimmer of life within this church, but the letter gives the impression that they have relaxed in their spiritual responsibilities so much that they are nearly comatose. They have not been vigilant in their core responsibilities or on guard against deception, apathy, or neglect. They have not had sleepless nights over their standing with God.

Interestingly, in the Bible's first mention of the Day of the Lord (Isaiah 2:12), it says that it "shall come upon everything proud and lofty, upon everything lifted up—and it shall be brought low." The primary target is the proud—the self-assured. The ironic thing is that this state of spiritual near-death could easily come about even while they are avidly watching world events. They could be quite adept at following the news reports and may know better than anyone what is really going on in the world and how it fits with prophecy.

But that does not fulfill Christ's and the apostle's commands to watch! It is not that it is wrong to keep tabs on world news, but watching world news is chiefly about observing. True watching emphasizes diligence; it is being alert to spiritual dangers more than physical ones. It is about faithfully carrying out our God-given responsibilities, like a servant in the Master's house. None of that results from simply being a news- or prophecy-addict.

In verse 3, He tells them to call to mind the previous lessons and instructions they have heard. He tells them to repent and to guard and maintain their position so they backslide no further. As before, His description gives little indication of spiritual vibrancy or zeal. There probably is a great deal of activity, since He says that they have a name—or reputation—for being alive. Yet, in the areas that truly matter—like growth, faith, seeking God, and overcoming—not much is happening.

He also warns them that, if they will not watch themselves and their covenant responsibilities to their Master, He will come upon them like a thief. He implies that they will not be counted worthy to escape. They may not be appointed to wrath as the world is, but they certainly are not immune to it. In fact, they stand a good chance of experiencing some of it, having not been vigilant and alert in watching over the things that God has given them.

Plainly, Christ will return when we do not expect Him. We may be able to observe some general indicators when key prophecies are fulfilled, but the overall timing will be a mystery. His coming will be like a thief in the night, purposefully hidden from all. Rather than trying to discern the timing, we are instructed to "watch"—not world events, but to watch over all that God has given to us, so that when that Day arrives, we are ready. He knows that if we are faithful in little—in the mundane, the monotonous, the unexciting—we will also be faithful in the truly great things that lie ahead.

Romans 13:8

“[Love Fulfills the Law] Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.”

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

lavationlay-VAY-shun

DEFINITION

noun

: the act or an instance of washing or cleansing

EXAMPLES

"Instead of careful lavations with a few minims of the miraculous water, she bathed daily in one or another of the springs, and imbibed gallons of the fabulous flow of the streams." -- From Jack Vance's 2004 novel Lurulu

"In Maycomb County, it was easy to tell when someone bathed regularly, as opposed to yearly lavations: Mr. Ewell had a scalded look; as if an overnight soaking had deprived him of protective layers of dirt, his skin appeared to be sensitive to the elements." -- From Harper Lee's 1960 novel To Kill a Mockingbird

DID YOU KNOW?

It sounds logical that you would perform a "lavation" in a "lavatory," doesn't it? And it is logical: both words come from Latin "lavare," meaning, appropriately, "to wash." English picked up a few other words from this root as well. In medicine, the therapeutic washing out of an organ is "lavage." There is also "lavabo" (in Latin, literally, "I shall wash"), which in English can refer to a ceremony at Mass in which the celebrant washes his hands, to the basin used in this religious ceremony, or to other kinds of basins. Even the word "lavish," via a Middle French word for a downpour of rain, comes to us from "lavare."

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TODAY'S PET TIP

Avoiding Household Cleaner Toxicity

The ASPCA® announced that they managed more than 116,000 calls to its Animal Poison Control Center (APCC) hotline in 2006, several of which pertained to common household items.

Approximately 7,200 calls pertaining to cleaning agents such as bleaches, detergents and disinfectants were received-up 38 percent from the year before. Says Dr. Hansen, "Depending on the circumstances of exposure, some household cleaners can lead to gastrointestinal irritation or even severe oral burns for pets." Additionally, irritation to the respiratory tract may be possible if a product is inhaled.

"All household cleaners and other chemicals should be stored in a secure location well out of the reach of pets," recommends Dr. Hansen, "and when cleaning your pet's food and water bowls, crate or other habitat, a mild soap such as a hand dishwashing detergent along with hot water is a good choice over products containing potentially harsh chemicals." 

Yes, we love our dogs ... but boy can they find creative ways to get into trouble!

When I visit the emergency clinic, a large percentage of the calls we get are about things that the dog has gotten into, and the owner wants to know whether or not to worry. 

Chewing on things is a normal part of "puppyhood", and many times the things our dogs eat are not dangerous. Still, you can expect to see some vomiting and maybe even a little diarrhea when your dog eats something that is not "food".

So, before you rush your pooch to the vet, check out this list of non-toxic items that dogs often eat. If your dog chews or eats small amounts of any of the items on this list, you do NOT have to worry unless the object becomes lodged in the stomach or intestines, causing an obstruction. 

Acrylic paint

Ballpoint pens

Bath oil

Birth control pills

Bubble bath soaps

Candles

Chalk

Citronella candles

Cosmetics

Crayons

Deodorants

Elmer's glue

Fabric softeners

Glow jewelry

Hair conditioner

Hand lotion

Incense

Indelible markers

Ink

Lipstick

Magic markers

Mineral oil

Modeling clay

Newspaper - non-colored 

Pencils (no longer made of lead)

Petroleum jelly

Play-Doh

Putty

Rubber cement

Shampoo

Shaving cream

Silica gel packets

Soap

Spackle

Suntan lotion

Superglue

Teething rings

Thermometers

Toothpaste

Water colors

If you have any doubt, always call your vet or local emergency clinic. 

By the way, the average cost for treating a dog that has gotten into a toxin is $342.65. If this would be a difficult expense for you to handle, you really should consider pet insurance. Insurance often pays 90% of the expenses.

Most toxins that are ingested are treatable, and given time and treatment many pets do just fine.

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Jokes.comDavid Alan Grier - To Be Youngcomedians.comedycentral.comRead about David Alan Grier's new book "Barack Like Me: The Chocolate Covered Truth."JokesJoke of the Day

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.jokes.com/funny/david+alan+grier/david-alan-grier--stopped...

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Lamb Chops with Garlic and Olive Oil 

Tender lamb chops take only a few minutes to cook but are elegant enough to serve to company.

Serves: 4

Prep. time: 5 minutes

Cooking time: 10 minutes

6 tablespoons olive oil

2 garlic cloves, minced

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

8 1 inch thick lamb rib chops, (about 2 3/4 pounds in all)

Light the grill or heat the broiler. In a shallow dish, combine 4 tablespoons of the oil with the garlic, salt, and pepper. Add the lamb chops and turn to coat.

Grill over high heat or broil the lamb chops for 5 minutes, basting with the remaining 2 tablespoons oil. Turn and cook until done, about 5 minutes longer.

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Sweet Potato Chocolate Bars

Active Time:  25 Minutes

Total Time:  2 Hours 15 Minutes

Yield:  Makes 2 dozen bars

 INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 pounds medium-size sweet potatoes

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

3/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

Pinch of salt

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3 large eggs

3 cups milk

2 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs

2 cups pecan pieces

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted

8 ounces semisweet chocolate morsels

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 375 F.

Rub the sweet potatoes with the vegetable oil and place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake until fork-tender, 1 to 1 1/2 hours. Remove from the oven and let cool, then peel and mash in a large bowl.

Add to the mashed potatoes the brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, vanilla, eggs, and 2 1/2 cups of the milk and mix well. Set aside.

Lower the oven temperature to 350 degrees F.

Combine the graham cracker crumbs and pecan pieces in a food processor and process for about 1 minute, to make a fine meal. With the motor running, gradually pour the melted butter through the feed tube and process for 1 minute. Transfer the crumb mixture to a 13 X 18-inch baking pan and, using your fingers, firmly press the crumbs evenly onto the bottom and up the sides of the pan.

Pour the sweet potato mixture into the crust and spread evenly with a rubber spatula.

Put the chocolate morsels and the remaining 1/2 cup milk in a medium-size saucepan over medium heat and stir constantly until the chocolate melts and the mixture is smooth. Spoon the chocolate in three rows, about 2 inches apart, lengthwise over the sweet potato mixture. Then, with a knife, make a zigzag pattern to marblelize the chocolate and the sweet potato mixture.

Bake until the edges are browned and the filling is set, 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool completely. To serve, cut into bars.

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Chewy Coconut Bars

Yield:  Makes 15 (2 1/2 by 1 1/2 inch) bars

 INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/2 cup light brown sugar

1 egg

1/2 cup dried cranberries

1 1/2 cups sweetened shredded coconut

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 

Combine flour, cinnamon, baking soda and salt in a bowl. Mix and set aside. In a separate bowl, cream butter and sugar until smooth. Add egg and blend. Add flour mixture and blend. Stir in coconut and dried fruit until thoroughly mixed. Spread evenly into an ungreased 8 inch square baking pan. Bake until cookies are firm to the touch, about 20 minutes. Place on a rack to cool, and then cut when cooled down.

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Butterscotch Raisin Pecan Bars

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour 5 Minutes

Yield:  Makes 20 bars

These bars have a chewy brown sugar filling that is loaded with an extraordinary quantity of raisins and pecans. It bakes on a crisp butter crust.

 INGREDIENTS

For the Crust:

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/4 cup confectioners' sugar

1/8 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup (1 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut in pieces

For the Filling:

1 cup packed dark brown sugar

1/4 cup whipping cream

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups raisins

1 1/2 cups pecans, coarsely chopped

Confectioners' sugar for dusting

DIRECTIONS

FOR THE CRUST:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Butter 9-inch square or 11 x 7 x 2 inch baking pan. Using electric mixer fitted with paddle attachment, mix flour, confectioners' sugar and salt in large bowl on low speed to blend. Add butter and beat on medium speed until some 1/4-inch pieces remain and fine crumbs form, about 1 minute. Transfer crumbs to prepared pan; press evenly over bottom. Bake until golden brown, about 15 minutes.

FOR THE FILLING:

Using electric mixer fitted with paddle attachment, beat brown sugar, cream, eggs and vanilla in large bowl on medium speed until smooth. Reduce mixer speed. Mix in flour, baking powder and salt. Stir in raisins and pecans. Pour batter evenly over the partially baked crust.

Bake until filling is set when pan is shaken gently, about 30 minutes. Cool bars in pan. Dust with confectioners' sugar. Using sharp knife, cut into 16 bars. Transfer bars to platter and serve.

DO-AHEAD TIP:

Bars can be made up to 3 days ahead. Cover and store at room temperature.

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Brownies on Steroids    

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  35 Minutes

The ultimate chocolate rush- sweet, thick brownies topped with chocolate chips, toasted pecans, English toffee and coconut 

 INGREDIENTS

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

3/4 cup confectioners' sugar

1/3 cup baking cocoa

3/4 cup cold butter

14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided

1 cup coarsely chopped toasted pecans

1/2 cup coconut

1/3 cup English toffee bits

DIRECTIONS

In a food processor combine the flour, sugar and cocoa. Add the butter and process just until mixture resembles coarse crumbs.

Press firmly into a greased 13' by 9' baking pan.

Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

While crust is baking, combine condensed milk,vanilla and 1 cup of chocolate chips in a medium saucepan.

Heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is smooth. Remove crust from oven and pour chocolate mixture over crust.

Sprinkle with coconut, nuts and toffee bits and remaining chocolate chips.

Press down firmly.

Return to oven and bake for another 18-20 minutes.

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Roast Potatoes

Active Time:  15 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour

Yield:  Serves 4

Meals involving roasted meats are never quite the same without crisp, golden roast potatoes. Even the simplest ingredients - olive oil, rosemary or salt - will further enhance their wonderful flavor.

 INGREDIENTS

2 pounds starchy or baking potatoes

Oil, for cooking

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. 

Peel the potatoes and cut them into evenly sized pieces - halve or quarter them depending on their size. Place in a large saucepan of salted water, bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for about 5 minutes. Drain, then while the potatoes are still hot, hold each one in a cloth and lightly scratch the surface with a fork. Return to the pan and cover to keep hot.

Preheat a roasting pan over high heat and add oil to a depth of about 1/2 inch. As the oil just starts to smoke, add the potatoes in a single layer. Roll them in the hot oil to seal all sides. Bake for 40 minutes, or until the potatoes are golden, turning and basting frequently with the oil. Drain on crumpled paper towels, sprinkle with salt and serve while still hot.

CHEF'S TIP: 

Boiling potatoes prior to roasting them removes excess sticky starch from the surface, leaving them dry and crisp; scratching the surface contributes texture to that crispness. Rolling hot potatoes in hot oil will then seal them nicely, leaving the centers floury and oil free.

If the potatoes are to accompany a roasted meat, instead of cooking them in a separate pan, place them in the hot fat around the meat as it cooks. This will give a most delicious flavor as the potatoes absorb the fat from the meat.

For special occasions, shave off the square edges. The rounded potates will roll easily in the pan for all-over color and crispness: the secret of the perfect roast potato.

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Thought you needed help with texting your friends...after all, the kids have all their little

 codes...like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:

 ATD - At the Doctor's

 BFF - Best Friends Funeral

 BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

 BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

 CBM - Covered by Medicare

 CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

 DWI - Driving While Incontinent

 FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

 FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

 FYI - Found Your Insulin

 GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

 GHA - Got Heartburn Again

 HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

 IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

 LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

 LOL - Living on Lipitor

 LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

 OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

 OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

 ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

 TTYL - Talk to You Louder

 WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

 WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

 WTP - Where's the Prunes

 WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

 Hope these help! 

 GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in! 

 ******************************

Dear Mr Harper

A Letter to the Prime Minister

Dear Mr. Harper:

 Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.  Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks and car companies, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force.  Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1)  They MUST retire.  Twenty million job openings -   Unemployment fixed. 

2)  They MUST buy a new Canadian CAR.  Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3)  They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school / college /university - Crime Rate fixed.

5)  Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week - There's your money back in duty / tax etc.

 It can't get any easier than that! 

Yours truly, 

Ordinary Joe Canadian

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

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A Quilter Husband's Lament

I've always learned that life was full of obstacles and woes.

I've learned to live with sickness, death, taxes, heaven knows. 

I've taken all these things in stride, the problems and strife,

But one I didn't count on was a Quilter for a wife.

Come home from work, the stove is cold, the dirty clothes still there,

The suit I wanted cleaned today, still laying on the chair.

"Where's Mama, son?" I asked my boy, "This house is such a mess,

Why, all the sheets are missing, we've been burglarized I guess."

"No, Mama striped down all the beds and took the sheets away.

She cut them into little strips and pieced two quilts today."

"Why every pair of pants I own is cut into little squares."

"I'm demonstrating applique," my lovely wife declares.

I show up in the office in my boxer shorts and tie.

My secretary giggles and the clerks give me the eye.

It's freezing cold, I'm shaking and my knees are turning blue.

My boss considered firing me, but his wife's a quilter too.

I told him what happened and he said he could believe.

I noticed the coat he wore had only half a sleeve.

A husband needs a loving wife to help him when he's ill.

To soothe and comfort, mop his brow and help him take his pills.

Should influenza strike you, your life's not worth a dime.

Particularly if its hits at Quilt Convention time.

You'll lay there in an empty house in pain and deep despari,

While the workshops and the lectures keep your wife's attention there.

You lear to ask no quetions when she smiles and drives away,

Rushing to the Fabric Shop for a big sale there today.

She's gone for hours, then drags back home all bleary eyed and down,

Now who'd believe a lie like that? She must be running round.

But I'll get by, I always do, some days are fine, some not.

When your wife's a Quilter you tolerate a lot.

I know that when my life is through and I pass away

They'll have to set my funeral so it's not a Quilting Day.

(Author:  unknown)

******************************

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband stalking around with a fly swatter 

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" 

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. 

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can, 

2 were on the phone. 

******************************

Subject: Perspective!

Perspective!

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.  Following this conversation, President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you?  She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said "So, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant.", to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be President."

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IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...   

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... 

But that's not the worst of it.   

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close  

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.   

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.  

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.   

But here's the worst of it --   

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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The return of 'The Prodigal Son'

Thinking about writing an Easter column, I thought of the return of "The Prodigal Son" from Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount." And when my thoughts about it lingered, I was surprised to realize how my interpretation of the fable has changed during the course of time.

The younger of the two sons asks his father for his share of wealth that he would inherit, so the father divides all that he had between his two sons. Immediately after receiving his share of the wealth, the younger son goes off to a far away country, where he spends everything he had on wild and foolish living, and winds up a pauper. His so-called friends disappear. His suffering begins. He starves, though he works as a slave. If he is fed, he is forced to eat food that even the animals wouldn't eat.

Recalling that his father's servants were fed plenty of good food, the prodigal son returns to his father's house, hoping that his father would hire him as one of his servants. Noticing his son approaching, the father runs towards him with his arms stretched in embrace. "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no more worthy to be called your son," repents the prodigal son.

The prodigal son's father orders the servants to bring the boy the best of everything in the house and asks the cooks to prepare the finest meat. He commands a great feast with music and dancing, saying, "Let us eat and be merry."

As the elder son returns from a hard day's work and realizes the cause of all the merrymaking, he expresses his annoyance to his father: "These many years I have served you without disobeying anything you ordered; yet, you have never given me even a young goat to have a feast for my friends."

"Son," the father explains, "you have served me ever by being with me. It's proper that we should make merry now, for your dead brother has come back to life. He was lost and is found."

When I read the fable for the first time in my childhood, I, too, was rather disappointed, as was the elder son. I innocently thought that the only one who deserves the respect and rewards is the one who leads his life abiding by the morals and justice set by society. I thought people ought to be rewarded or punished according to how closely they followed the moral codes of their society. I couldn't understand why the prodigal son received a lavish welcome, whereas the loyal one never was celebrated in his father's eye.

As I matured, I came to understand the complexity involved in matters like faith, religion and spirituality. Nothing is as plain as black and white. The fact is God loves all. He loves not only those who dutifully serve him, but also the disobedient ones who sin. And at times these gone-astray-characters are celebrated and used as poster children to educate the rest of us about the difference between life on this Earth and the after life in God's house.

Jesus talks about John the Baptist: "Truly, I tell you, among those born of women no one has arisen greater than John the Baptist; yet the least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he" (Matthew 11:11). One can't help but wonder about the contradiction in these two statements. How can a person who just has been born again be greater in the kingdom of heaven than John the Baptist?

The answer is prior to the death, burial and resurrection, Jesus called himself "Son of man," among several other titles, and proclaimed time and again that he was here to serve the Heavenly Father, to deliver his Father's message. All those who served the God were considered the Heavenly Father's servants. As born again, they still may serve the Heavenly Father, but it's from the position of a son or a daughter. "... He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ ..." (Ephesians 1:5). Thus, undoubtedly, a son in any household is greater than a servant. However, the one who is born again receives the spirit of sonship, son-hood, authenticity. The born again becomes a child of God. A child may serve his Father, but he will never be a servant. The difference is a servant normally does his duties for wages. But a son works hard for free to please his father, in order to claim his inheritance.

Jesus, as teacher and philosopher, touched and resurrected the souls of humanity by his exemplary life and assured them a place in his Father's house (John 14:2). The message here is of eternity. Being the Son of God, he taught others how to be God's children by doing their Father's works and how to inherit the Heavenly Father's eternal treasure. His authority was "The Father and I are one. I am God's Son. I do the works of my Father - so that the Father is in me and I am in the Father" (John 10:30-38).

His role reflected his belief and values. The highest principle of religion is to surrender unto Him only: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God." (John 14:1). He professes, "I have come as light into the world...." (John 12:46). "I have not spoken on my own, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment about what to say and what to speak" (John 12:49).

Easter reminds us that life should be interpreted in terms of ideals. The resurrection does not only mean rising from death - it also means rising from deadness, helplessness, vengeance, and restarting life with a new attitude and renewed enthusiasm. Let the joy of resurrection lead us from loneliness, weakness and despair to strength, beauty and happiness by lifting us to the spiritual height of heaven. Easter is an eternal celebration of spring, whereas spring is an annual celebration of the rebirth of nature. Nature is filled with brightness, new life and hope, proving that Easter is a victory of brightness and awareness over the evil forces of darkness and ignorance for all, a resurrection for all, since it brings a heart-warming message of hope and healing.

Tags: Religion

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There Was A Yellow Toad

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.  He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.  

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

 To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

 There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.  As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

 She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

 The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

 To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

 The fairy godmother answers:

"That's easy... Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

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South Carolina Troopers 

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken from their car videos:

 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 

 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

 6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

 8. "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."

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AN ELDERLY ITALIAN, CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for  confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis .  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on  Sundays. "

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of  the flesh. However, 

if  you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.  He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for  dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For God’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH  time, it's CHICKEN!'

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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,  Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. 

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land Mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go)

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART(ER) WOMAN.

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

  Revelation 6:10

(10) And they cried with a loud voice, saying, "How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?" 

This plaintive cry, "How long . . .?" is a New Testament echo of the Old Testament prophets, many of whom were persecuted and slain for their testimony. The psalmists use it most frequently: from David in Psalm 13:1 ("How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?") to Asaph in Psalm 74:10 ("O God, how long will the adversary reproach?") to Moses in Psalm 90:13 ("Return, O LORD! How long? And have compassion on Your servants"). Even Ethan the Ezrahite gets in on the act: "How long, LORD? Will You hide Yourself forever? Will Your wrath burn like fire?" (Psalm 89:46; see also Psalm 6:3; 35:17; 79:5; 80:4; 94:3).

This question continues in both the major and minor prophets. Isaiah writes, "Then I said, 'Lord, how long?' And He answered: 'Until the cities are laid waste and without inhabitant, the houses are without a man, the land is utterly desolate. . .'" (Isaiah 6:11). Later, Habakkuk asks, "O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? Even cry out to You, 'Violence!' and You will not save" (Habakkuk 1:2; see also Daniel 12:6; Zechariah 1:12). "How long?" has been a constant prayer to God through the ages, especially during times of great distress, particularly when God's servants are under intense persecution, when the surrounding culture has reached its nadir and the nation is ripe for judgment, or as it often works out, when both are happening simultaneously.

The intent of the request in Revelation 6:10 is for an indication from God of how long the saints have to endure the worst that Satan-inspired humanity can throw at them before He acts on their behalf as He has promised. As early as Deuteronomy 32:43, the conclusion of the Song of Moses, it is promised, "Rejoice, O Gentiles, with His people; for He will avenge the blood of His servants, and render vengeance to His adversaries." Jesus Himself promises, "And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? I tell you that He will avenge them speedily" (Luke 18:7-8). Paul later expands this considerably:

. . . it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you, and to give you who are troubled rest with us when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with His mighty angels, in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God, and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. These shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of His power, when He comes, in that Day, to be glorified in His saints and to be admired among all those who believe, because our testimony among you was believed. (II Thessalonians 1:6-10)

There is never a doubt about God's eventual intervention to avenge the deaths of His saints. God's promises are sure (Isaiah 46:11; 55:11; Matthew 24:35; John 10:35). Obviously, "How long, O Lord . . .?" is a query about the duration of events until God intervenes, and the souls under the altar ask it, not in impatience or exasperation, but in anticipation of the end of the saints' tribulations and of the receipt of their reward.

In reading this, however, we must not forget that these martyred saints are dead, resting in their graves, as Revelation 6:11 confirms. Thus, the answer to their question is not for them—they know nothing (Ecclesiastes 9:5), their testimony having finished in death (Acts 20:24; II Timothy 4:7; Revelation 11:7)—but for living saints, who will undergo persecution and eventual martyrdom.

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

biophilia • bye-oh-FILL-ee-uh  â€¢ noun

: a hypothetical human tendency to interact or be closely associated with other forms of life in nature 

Examples:

"We live in an age in which it is easy to email Buenos Aires, and browse the internet from the Grand Canyon. We could just dial in from whatever sylvan spot appeals to our biophilia." -- From an article by Edward L Glaeser in The Independent , March 23, 2011

"For some, biophilia manifests itself in such ordinary ways as, say, owning four or five house cats. For myself and others … it means flying to the other side of the globe to see a fruit bat, a duck-billed platypus, or a parrotfish." -- From an article by Lisa Gosselin in Audubon magazine, September - October 1998

********************************

Natalie Wood

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

Mae West

"I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."

Joseph Campbell

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

–Jack Handey

*************************************

Ham-&-Cheese-Stuffed Chicken Breasts

Active Time:  25 Minutes

Total Time:  50 Minutes

Yield:  4 servings

Making a pocket in the chicken breast to hold the stuffing is easy with a good, sharp, thin-bladed knife. Browning the chicken in a skillet before baking gives it a beautiful golden color, and finishing in the oven ensures that it cooks evenly throughout.

INGREDIENTS

1/4 cup  grated Swiss, Monterey Jack or part-skim mozzarella cheese

2 tablespoons  chopped ham

2 teaspoons  Dijon mustard

Freshly ground pepper to taste

4   boneless, skinless chicken breast halves (1-1 1/4 pounds total)

1   egg white

1/2 cup  plain dry breadcrumbs

2 teaspoons  extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Use a baking sheet with sides and lightly coat it with cooking spray.

Mix cheese, ham, mustard and pepper in a small bowl.

Cut a horizontal slit along the thin, long edge of a chicken breast half, nearly through to the opposite side. Open up the breast and place one-fourth of the filling in the center. Close the breast over the filling, pressing the edges firmly together to seal. Repeat with the remaining chicken breasts and filling.

Lightly beat egg white with a fork in a medium bowl. Place breadcrumbs in a shallow glass dish. Hold each chicken breast half together and dip in egg white, then dredge in breadcrumbs. (Discard leftovers).

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken breasts; cook until browned on one side, about 2 minutes. Place the chicken, browned-side up, on the prepared baking sheet. Bake until the chicken is no longer pink in the center or until an instant-read thermometer registers 170 degrees F, about 20 minutes

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Chicken Souvlaki

Active Time:  15 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 4

Grilled chicken on pita with tomatoes, onions, and tzatziki, a yogurt and cucumber sauce, makes a cool yet satisfying warm-weather supper. Souvlaki is often rolled to eat in your hand as a snack, but this more substantial version is served on a plate with a knife and fork. If you like, accompany the souvlaki with lemon wedges. When using wooden skewers, soak them first in water for at least ten minutes, or they'll smoke during cooking.

 INGREDIENTS

2 cups plain yogurt

1 cucumber, halved lengthwise, peeled, seeded, and grated

1 1/4 teaspoons salt

1 clove garlic, minced

Fresh-ground black pepper

1/4 teaspoon dried dill

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice

1 tablespoon dried oregano

1 1/3 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 4), cut into 1-inch cubes

4 pocketless pitas

6 tablespoons butter, at room temperature

1 small onion, cut into thin wedges

2 tomatoes, cut into thin wedges

1/3 cup black olives, such as Kalamata, halved and pitted

DIRECTIONS

Put the yogurt in a strainer lined with cheesecloth, a coffee filter, or a paper towel and set it over a bowl. Let drain in the refrigerator for 15 minutes. In a medium glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the cucumber with 1 teaspoon of the salt; let sit for about 15 minutes. Squeeze the cucumber to remove the liquid. Put the cucumber back in the bowl and stir in the drained yogurt, the garlic, 1/8 teaspoon of pepper, and the dill.

Light the grill or heat the broiler. In a small glass or stainless-steel bowl, combine the oil, lemon juice, oregano, the remaining 1/4 teaspoon of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper. Toss the chicken cubes in the oil mixture and thread them onto skewers. Grill the chicken over high heat or broil, turning once, until done, about 5 minutes in all. Transfer the chicken to a plate.

Spread both sides of the pitas with the butter and grill or broil, turning once, until golden, about 4 minutes in all. Cut into quarters.

To serve, put the pitas on plates and top with the onion, tomatoes, and chicken skewers with any accumulated juices. Serve with the tzatziki and olives.

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Chicken Adobo Kebabs

Active Time:  25 Minutes

Total Time:  35 Minutes

Yield:  4 servings

Serve with Black Beans & Rice and salsa alongside.

Make Ahead Tip: Equipment: Metal or bamboo skewers

INGREDIENTS

3 tablespoons  lemon juice, divided

2 cloves  garlic, peeled and minced

2 teaspoons  dried oregano

1 teaspoon  paprika

1 teaspoon  salt

1/2 teaspoon  ground cumin

1/2 teaspoon  ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon  freshly ground pepper

1 pound  boneless, skinless chicken breasts, trimmed and cut into 1 1/2-inch chunks

2 teaspoons  extra-virgin olive oil

1   red onion, peeled, quartered and separated into layers

Lemon wedges

Tips: When using bamboo skewers, wrap the exposed parts with foil to keep the bamboo from burning. (Contrary to popular opinion, soaking skewers in water does not protect them). 

To oil a grill rack: Oil a folded paper towel, hold it with tongs and rub it over the rack. (Do not use cooking spray on a hot grill). When grilling delicate foods like tofu and fish, it is helpful to spray the food with cooking spray.

DIRECTIONS

Blend 1 tablespoon lemon juice, garlic, oregano, paprika, salt, cumin, cinnamon and pepper in a medium bowl. Add chicken and toss to coat. Cover with plastic wrap and marinate in the refrigerator for at least 20 minutes or up to 2 hours.

Mix oil and the remaining 2 tablespoons lemon juice in a small bowl. Set aside.

Preheat grill to medium-high.

Thread chicken and onion pieces alternately onto 4 or 8 skewers.

Oil the grill rack. Grill the kebabs, turning occasionally, until browned and cooked through, 6 to 7 minutes, basting the cooked side with the reserved lemon-oil mixture. Serve immediately, with lemon wedges.

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Grilled Rosemary-Salmon Spedini

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  4 servings, 2 skewers each

If you can find (or grow) them, use sturdy rosemary branches, stripped of leaves, as skewers for these Italian kebabs. Oil your grill well to prevent sticking, don't move the kebabs around unnecessarily, and keep a close eye on the fire to avoid flare-ups. Make it a Meal: Serve with a Greek salad and brown rice flavored with capers and fresh parsley.

Make Ahead Tip: Prepare spedini (Step 2), cover and refrigerate for up to 8 hours. Proceed with grilling (Steps 1 & 3) when ready to serve. | Equipment: Eight 12-inch skewers

INGREDIENTS

2 teaspoons  minced fresh rosemary

2 teaspoons  extra-virgin olive oil

2 cloves  garlic, minced

1 teaspoon  freshly grated lemon zest

1 teaspoon  lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon  kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon  freshly ground pepper

1 pound  center-cut salmon fillet, skinned (see Tip) and cut into 1-inch cubes

1 pint  cherry tomatoes

DIRECTIONS

Preheat grill to medium-high.

Combine rosemary, oil, garlic, lemon zest, lemon juice, salt and pepper in a medium bowl. Add salmon; toss to coat. Alternating the salmon and tomatoes, divide among eight 12-inch skewers.

Oil the grill rack (see Tip). Grill the spedini, carefully turning once, until the salmon is cooked through, 4 to 6 minutes total. Serve immediately.

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Fried Cheese

Active Time:  15 Minutes

Total Time:  15 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 4

Saganaki, fried cheese, is named for the two-handled pan in which it is fried. Some cooks include the flourish of flambéing the cheese with brandy, but this dramatic touch adds little flavor and may toughen the cheese. Offer freshly cracked pepper and some crusty bread at the table, and pour a good ouzo.

INGREDIENTS

1/2 lb kefalotiri or kasseri cheese  

About 1/4 cup all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

olive oil for frying

1 tablespoon dried oregano

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice, plus lemon wedges for serving

DIRECTIONS

Cut the cheese into slices 1/2 inch thick, about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide. Rinse the cheese in cold water to remove excess salt, then pat dry with paper towels. Spread the flour on a plate and season it with the pepper. Dip the cheese pieces in the seasoned flour, turning to coat evenly on both sides.

In a large, heavy sauté pan, pour in olive oil to a depth of 1/4 inch. Place over high heat until very hot but not smoking. Working with 2 or 3 cheese pieces at a time, carefully slip the pieces into the hot oil and fry, turning once, until golden brown on both sides, about 2 minutes per side. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the cheese to paper towels to drain. Keep warm until all the pieces are cooked.

Arrange the cheese on a warmed platter and sprinkle with the oregano and lemon juice. Serve hot with lemon wedges on the side.

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A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk."

The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections."

But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."

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What did you do last weekend? my mom asked one of her elementary school students. When she said she had seen a play, my mom asked which one. "Um, it was a musical," the student replied, struggling to remember the name. "It has the Sharks and the Jets. Oh, I know! Web Site Story!"

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Aboard the USS Tarawa for six months, my brother, Don, posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends up, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home!"

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Meeting with my auto-insurance agent, I confessed that I'd been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30 percent less than his. "Tell me, Chris," he responded, "when you have an emergency, who do you want to deal with, a man or a mouse?"

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A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange animal thereabouts.

"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."

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 The  Perfect Husband 

Several men are in the locker room  of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man  engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.  

MAN:        "Hello" 

WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the  club?" 

MAN:        "Yes."  

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops  now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN:        "Sure, go ahead if you  like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by  the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I  saw one I really liked."  

MAN:       "How  much?" 

WOMAN: "$90,000."  

MAN:        "OK, but for that  price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was  just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted  last year is back on the market. They're asking  $980,000 for it."  

MAN:       "Well, then go ahead and  make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably  take it. If not, we  can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really  want." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you  later! I love you so much!" 

MAN:        "Bye! I love you,  too." 

The man hangs up. The other men  in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths  wide open. 

He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone  this is?"  

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How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while 

Slicing salami at work, 

He blames the restaurant. 

If you smoke three packs a day 

For 40 years and die of lung cancer, 

Your family blames the 

Tobacco company. 

If your neighbor crashes 

Into a tree while driving home drunk, 

He blames the bartender. 

If your grandchildren are

Brats without manners, 

You blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a 

Deranged madman, 

You blame the gun manufacturer. 

And if a crazed person breaks 

Into the cockpit and 

Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, 

And the passengers 

Kill him instead, 

The mother of the crazed deceased 

Blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to 

Understand the world 

As it is anymore. 

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT

Is parked in front of this computer, 

I want all of you to  

Blame Bill Gates .

Have a nice day!

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Question:

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?

Answer: 

A crazy bitch who WILL find you.

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Long read but worth it . . .

Where did Piss Poor come from? Interesting History

Urine used to be used to tan animal skins, so families would all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June .. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would 

Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts with a friend. 

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The value of a # 2 pencil 

 YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!! AND THEN YOU WILL FORWARD TO EVERYONE WITH THAT

 BIG OLE' SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!

 The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

 Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

 One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 

 When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

 The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

 A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

 But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

 And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

 The Nun asked her a third question...' What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

 Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted 

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