REMINDERS FROM GOD:

 Matthew 24:37

(37) But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be. 

Some feel we have reached a time in history that parallels the period just before the Flood. God recorded what conditions were like as Noah was building the ark: "Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Genesis 6:5). What a horrifying thought! What danger and oppression must have lurked at every turn!

Yet Jesus predicts in a prophecy regarding the time of the end—the time we live in today, "But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be." In a larger, more general context, Jesus meant that, despite the dangerous, portentous events occurring all around them, people will be going about their normal routines without seriously considering the meaning of these events (Matthew 24:38-39). They will not take the time to wonder if these cataclysmic events are affecting them personally.

How about you? Even though we are living in momentous times, we are easily distracted from their importance by our high standard of living and convenient access to just about anything we desire. The nations of western Europe, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, and the United States are, for the most part, wallowing in unprecedented technological luxury. Much to our spiritual detriment, our lives are caught up in our possessions and keeping our noses above water economically.

But we must not allow this to happen any longer! Time and prophecy are relentlessly marching on. The book of Amos records an almost exact parallel account to what is happening in our day. It chronicles the social, political, economic, military, and religious conditions and attitudes prevalent in ancient Israel in about 760 BC . This was about forty years before Assyria invaded and completely devastated the nation. So awesome was Israel's defeat that, as far as the world is concerned, her people disappeared from history! Today, they are known as the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel.

Amos is not a happy book to read. It does not contain the encouraging, soaring, and hope-inspiring prophecies of Isaiah. No, Amos speaks of almost unending gloom and doom. This presents an interesting contrast when seen against Israel's surging power, wealth, and influence. During the days of Amos' ministry, the nation was undergoing a burst of prosperity second only to Solomon's time. On the surface, it appeared that Israel's prosperity indicated God's pleasure, but Amos' words prove beyond any doubt that God was not pleased at all! He was deadly serious! If the people would not repent, they were doomed!

The Israelites did not repent. They suffered war, famine, pestilence, and captivity as a result. Tens of thousands died. They learned the hard way that God means exactly what He says through His prophets (Amos 3:7).

Though Amos describes what was literally happening in ancient Israel, God intended the message for us, the physical and/or spiritual descendants of Israel. It was written to stir us to action, seeing that the times indicate Jesus Christ will return soon.

Amos clearly shows that our nations are headed along the same path to destruction as ancient Israel. There is still hope that we will turn around and avoid the wrath of God, but as each day passes, it becomes more unlikely. We have many lessons to learn, and we seem determined to learn them the hard way.

Romans 1:20

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.”

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

primordial • prye-MOR-dee-ul  â€¢ adjective

1 a : first created or developed : primeval b : existing in or persisting from the beginning (as of a solar system or universe) c : earliest formed in the growth of an individual or organ 2 : fundamental, primary 

Examples:

All life on Earth supposedly came from a primordial ooze in existence many millions of years ago.

"Indeed, and in spite of all our current observations, physical theories, computer models, and mathematical skill we must not forget that the primordial breath is inherently unknown to us." -- From Martin Beech's 2010 book The Large Hadron Collider

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" At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."  - Plato

Samuel Johnson - "Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives."

Samuel Goldwyn - "A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad."

Rose Kennedy - "I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."

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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

–Jack Handey

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An American tourist is visiting China.

After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: "How large is the population here?" "Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers American,

After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"

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The Blind Bunny 

One morning, a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

 The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN!!!'

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Navy Bean Soup

From Brother Oliver's restaurant, Sacramento, CA

1/4 pound bacon, medium dice (one-half inch squares)

1/4 pound onions, medium dice

1/4 pound carrots, medium dice

1/4 pound celery, medium dice

1 pound dried navy beans

2 teaspoons dried granulated garlic

3 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup ham base

1/4 cup chicken base

2 cups diced tomatoes

3 quarts water

Combine all ingredients in a 6-qt pot.

Bring to a boil on high heat, then

reduce heat and allow to simmer 2 hours.

Makes 1 gallon.

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Carrot Cake Extraordinaire

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  2 Hours

Yield:  16 servings

Glazed in tangy caramel, this carrot cake is a beautiful finish to your holiday meal.

 INGREDIENTS

For Cake:

3 cups  all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon  baking powder

1/2 teaspoon  salt

1/2 cup  pecans or walnuts toasted (see Tip)

2 cups  sugar

1 cup  fruit puree fat replacement

6 tablespoons  canola oil

2   large eggs

2 large  large egg whites

1 teaspoon  vanilla extract

4 cups  shredded carrots

For Caramel-Buttermilk Glaze:

1 cup  sugar

1/2 cup  buttermilk

1 tablespoon  light corn syrup

1/2 teaspoon  baking soda

DIRECTIONS

To make cake: Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a tube pan or Bundt pan (10- to 12-cup capacity) with cooking spray. Dust pan with flour, tilting to coat and tapping out the excess.

Whisk flour, baking powder and salt in a bowl. Stir in toasted nuts. Whisk 2 cups sugar, fruit puree fat replacement, oil, eggs, egg whites and vanilla in another bowl until well mixed. Fold in carrots. Add the flour mixture and mix just until completely blended.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan. Bake until the top springs back when lightly touched in the center, 1 hour to 1 hour and 15 minutes. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack, right-side up. Let cool slightly, but not completely, while preparing glaze.

To make caramel-buttermilk glaze: Mix 1 cup sugar, buttermilk, corn syrup and baking soda in a heavy saucepan. Place over medium-low heat and cook, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, until glaze turns a light caramel color and foaming starts to subside, 10 to 12 minutes. Watch carefully; the mixture can scorch easily.

Place the still-warm cake on the rack over a baking sheet. Poke cake all over with a long skewer. Spoon warm glaze over cake, letting it drip down the sides. Transfer to a serving platter and spoon any glaze that has dripped onto the baking sheet over the cake. Let cake stand for 30 minutes to set glaze.

Tip: : To toast whole nuts: Spread nuts on a baking sheet and bake at 350°F, stirring once, until fragrant, 7 to 9 minutes.

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Pineapple Carrot Cake

Yield:  12 Servings

 INGREDIENTS

For the Cake:

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 cups sugar

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups vegetable oil

4 eggs

2 jars (6 ounces each) carrot baby food

1 can (8 ounces) crushed pineapple, drained

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

For the Frosting:

1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 3/4 cups confectioners' sugar

Additional chopped walnuts, optional

DIRECTIONS

For the Cake:

In a mixing bowl, combine the dry ingredients. Add the oil, eggs and baby food; mix on low speed until well blended. Stir in pineapple and nuts. Pour into two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans.

Bake at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.

For the Frosting:

In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in vanilla and confectioners' sugar until mixture reaches spreading consistency. Spread between layers and over top and sides of cake. Garnish with nuts if desired. Store in the refrigerator.

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Carrot Cake

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour 10 Minutes

Yield:  16 servings

An old favorite with an updated nutritional profile, but still as moist and delicious as ever.

INGREDIENTS

For the Cake:

1/2 cup  chopped walnuts

2 cups  whole-wheat pastry flour (see Ingredient note)

2 teaspoons  baking soda

1/2 teaspoon  salt

2 teaspoons  ground cinnamon

3   large eggs

1 1/2 cups  sugar

3/4 cup  nonfat buttermilk

1/2 cup  canola oil

1 teaspoon  vanilla extract

1 20-ounce can  crushed pineapple, drained, juice reserved

2 cups  grated carrots (4-6 medium)

1/4 cup  unsweetened flaked coconut

For the Frosting:

2 tablespoons  coconut chips or flaked coconut

12 ounces  reduced-fat cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup  confectioners' sugar, sifted

1 1/2 teaspoons  vanilla extract

Ingredient Note: 

Whole-wheat pastry flour is milled from soft wheat. It contains less gluten than regular whole-wheat flour and helps ensure a tender result in delicate baked goods while providing the nutritional benefits of whole grains. Available in large supermarkets and in natural-foods stores. Store in the freezer.

DIRECTIONS

To prepare cake: Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a 9-by-13-inch baking dish with cooking spray.

Toast walnuts in a small baking pan in the oven until fragrant, 5 to 10 minutes.

Whisk flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in a medium bowl. Whisk eggs, sugar, buttermilk, oil, vanilla and 1/4 cup of the reserved pineapple juice in a large bowl until blended. Stir in pineapple, carrots and coconut. Add the dry ingredients and mix with a rubber spatula just until blended. Stir in the nuts. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan, spreading evenly.

Bake the cake until the top springs back when touched lightly and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool completely on a wire rack.

To prepare frosting & finish cake: Place coconut in a small baking pan and toast in the oven at 300 degrees F, stirring several times, until light golden, 5 to 10 minutes.

Beat cream cheese, confectioners’ sugar and vanilla in a mixing bowl with an electric mixer until smooth and creamy. Spread the frosting over the cooled cake. Sprinkle with the coconut.

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Tomato Gratin

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  6 servings

A gratin is any dish topped with cheese or breadcrumbs mixed with butter, then heated until browned—but it needn’t be heavy. This one has plenty of garden-fresh tomatoes and herbs, a touch of full-flavored cheese and a crispy crumb topping.

 INGREDIENTS

4 slices  whole-grain bread, torn into quarters

1 tablespoon  minced garlic

1 tablespoon  extra-virgin olive oil

1/3 cup  finely shredded Pecorino Romano or parmesan cheese

4   medium tomatoes, sliced

1/4 cup  chopped fresh basil

1/2 teaspoon  freshly ground pepper

1/4 teaspoon   salt

 DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450°F. Coat a shallow 2-quart baking dish with nonstick spray.

Place bread in a food processor and pulse until coarse crumbs form. Add garlic, oil and cheese; pulse to combine. Spread the seasoned breadcrumbs on a baking sheet and bake until beginning to brown, about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, layer tomato slices in the prepared baking dish, sprinkling each layer with basil, pepper and salt. Bake the tomatoes for 10 minutes; sprinkle with the toasted breadcrumbs, and bake for 10 minutes more. Serve immediately.

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Roasted Portobello Caps

Active Time:  10 Minutes

Total Time:  40 Minutes

Yield:  4 servings

Think of a jumbo stuffed mushroom without all the high-fat ingredients but with all the flavor. Serve these alongside grilled chicken breasts or a juicy steak.

INGREDIENTS

4 large  portobello mushrooms stems removed

1/4 teaspoon  salt divided

Freshly ground pepper to taste

1/4 cup  plain dry breadcrumbs

2 tablespoons  grated parmesan cheese

1 tablespoon  minced fresh parsley

1 tablespoon  extra-virgin olive oil

 DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450°F. Coat a rimmed baking sheet or roasting pan with cooking spray.

Place mushroom caps, gill-side up, on the prepared pan. Sprinkle with 1/8 teaspoon salt and pepper. Roast until tender, about 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine breadcrumbs, Parmesan, parsley, oil, the remaining 1/8 teaspoon salt and pepper in a small bowl. Remove the mushrooms from the oven and top each cap with about 2 tablespoons of the breadcrumb mixture, spreading evenly. Return to the oven and roast until the breadcrumbs are browned, about 5 minutes.

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Pretty Accurate

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Turdhead and Crap for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children.. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY -

 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

 Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

 Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind 

 car gets exhausted.

 Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

 Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night..

 It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it

 Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

 "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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Our Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. 

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! 

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory  compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. 

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.   

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 

1. What do you put in a toaster? 

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.. 

Try not to hurt yourself. 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.   

2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. 

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? 

If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4. 

4. Without using a  calculator - You are driving a bus from London to 

Milford Haven in Wales ..   In London, 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

In    Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.

In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven   ..   

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 

Don't you remember your own age? 

  It was YOU driving the bus!! 

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you. 

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 

 The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"Daily learn trust and calm in the midst of storm." -  GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

Not My Will

Luke 9:23-24, NIV: "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.'"

If I were to deny to myself, what would that look like? Jesus denied Himself, and it meant a life of slavery to God the Father. He counted His rights to anything from this life as forfeit: "Not my will, but Thy will..." Am I willing to recognize that I must deny myself what I want out of life in order that God's purpose be fulfilled in me? Am I willing to take up my cross daily and follow Him? Jesus took up His cross as one condemned to die. Do I live as though I am on death row--condemned to die? If so, my considerations are to putting my house in order, seeking God, and loving others while there is time. I do not plug away making for myself a life in this world, for the next world weighs heavy on my mind. "...anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me" (Mt. 10:38). The natural reaction is to begin to question, "But, doesn't God want me to have..." this or that? God wants our full and complete surrender to Jesus. In turn, He is able to give you what He wants you to have--and that is far greater than anything we would seek for ourselves.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

- Isaiah 53:3

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

primordial • prye-MOR-dee-ul  â€¢ adjective 

1 a : first created or developed : primeval b : existing in or persisting from the beginning (as of a solar system or universe) c : earliest formed in the growth of an individual or organ 

2 : fundamental, primary 

Examples: All life on Earth supposedly came from a primordial ooze in existence many millions of years ago. "Indeed, and in spite of all our current observations, physical theories, computer models, and mathematical skill we must not forget that the primordial breath is inherently unknown to us." -- From Martin Beech's 2010 book The Large Hadron Collider

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You might be a REDNECK if...

  ...you have more guns than things worth stealing in your house.

CONFUCIOUS QUOTE:  Silence is a true friend who never betrays.

THINGS TO PONDER:    Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

"I have learned that the greater part of

our misery or unhappiness is 

determined not by our circumstance 

but by our disposition." 

- Martha Washington 

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TODAY'S PET TIP

Medication Toxicity

Some common medications can have serious effects on animals if not used correctly. 

If your pet has ingested an unprescribed medication, contact your veterinarian or local veterinary emergency facility. 

Give the name of the medication, how many and what dose your pet received, what time the ingestion could have occurred, as well as pet information such as breed, age and another health problems he/she may have. You may receive instructions of what to do at home or what to watch for. 

In some situations, emergency examination and treatment are crucial.

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A Common Chronic Disease of Dogs - What You Should Know

I want to tell you about a common disease that affects dogs of all breeds and sizes. This is a classic story. I hope this will help you to recognize any signs of problems in your pets - so you can see your veterinarian immediately.

This story is about Mickey, a 10-year-old Chihuahua cross who was brought to our hospital with a cough several weeks ago.

A heart murmur was heard during the examination but the lungs sounded clear and free of fluid.  We recommended chest x-rays to screen for heart disease.  With heart disease several changes can be seen on an x-ray including cardiomegaly (enlarged heart), pleural effusion or pulmonary edema (fluid in the lungs or chest), and an elevated trachea (the trachea, or airway, is pushed up as the heart enlarges). 

Unfortunately, the owners could not afford to have x-rays taken at the initial exam.  They elected to try conservative management with cough tablets and antibiotics.  In the event that the cough was kennel cough and susceptible to antibiotics, this treatment could resolve the problem. 

Mickey's cough did not resolve with conservative treatment and the owners returned requesting x-rays of the chest.  Although the owners were not able to provide the full amount for this testing, our office allowed them to sign a promissory note for the balance. 

The x-rays showed an enlarged heart, elevated trachea and mild pulmonary edema - all consistent with a diagnosis of heart disease.  Additionally, a large mass was noted in Mickey's abdomen. 

I informed the owners of the findings regarding the heart and then I explained the second unexpected finding of the abdominal mass.  I explained that ideally Mickey should have both a cardiac and an abdominal ultrasound to determine the extent and type of disease in both areas.  The cost of these procedures at a referral hospital would roughly total $1,000.  The owners explained that they would not ever be able to pursue those diagnostics due to the cost. 

In the end, the owners opted to treat the suspected heart disease only.  The total cost of services including physical exam, x-rays and one month of heart medication was $157 (all of which was placed on a promissory note - to be paid at a later date).  The cost of the heart medication will total approximately $40 per month for the rest of Mickey's life. 

Diseases like Mickey's are becoming more common in veterinary medicine.  This is likely the result of several factors:

1) Veterinary care has progressed over the last 20 years, and improved diagnostics and therapies have resulted in the diagnosis of diseases that were previously overlooked or deemed untreatable.

2) Pets have become more like family members, and owners are willing to do more to treat and diagnose when their family member becomes ill.

3) With improved care and greater status in the family, pets are living longer lives.  As a result we are diagnosing diseases like cancer and heart disease, hyperthyroidism, diabetes and kidney disease more frequently.

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Paula Deen's Dirty Rice

Ingredients

1 pound bulk pork sausage

1 pound chicken livers, finely chopped

1 cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped celery

1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper

4 cups hot cooked rice

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley leaves

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Cook the sausage and chicken livers in a large skillet until browned. Add the vegetables and saute until soft. Gently fold in the rice and parsley. Season, to taste, with salt and pepper

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Dirty Rice

(Adapted from a recipe by Paula Deen)

Ingredients:

1 lb bulk pork sausage (Mild or hot, depending on your preferences.)

3 cloves garlic, minced.

1 lb chicken livers, chopped fine.

1 medium onion, chopped.

1 green bell pepper, chopped.

3 celery stalks, chopped

4 cups hot cooked white rice

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley leaves

1 1/2 to 3 tsp. Cajun seasoning or Louisiana hot sauce.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Method:

Cook the sausage and chicken livers in a large heavy skillet until browned, breaking up any large chunks as you go. Add vegetables and saute until soft. Gently fold in the rice and parsley, serve immediately with Louisiana hot sauce on the side for those who like more of a kick.

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Black Bean and Bacon Hummus

Summary: A Southwestern spin on a Mediterranean classic

Ingredients

1 15.5 ounce can black beans, drained

3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed

4 slices crisp cooked bacon, crumbled

The juice of 1 large or 2 small limes

2 Tbsp sour cream

3 to 4 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

1/2 tsp powdered cumin

1/2 tsp sweet Hungarian paprika

Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Place black beans in a food processor and blend to a thick puree. Add olive oil, almost all of the bacon, cilantro, lime juice, garlic, cumin and paprika, and blend thoroughly. Add sour cream to lighten the mixture and blend until combined, scraping the sides of the bowl often. Add salt and pepper to taste (taste often, you might prefer a little more paprika or cumin.)

Serve garnished with a little olive oil, a sprinkling of bacon and some chopped cilantro.

Variations

Add more garlic if you like it a bit hotter or less if you’re after a milder hummus. Try lemon juice instead of lime juice for a brighter taste. just mix it up and have fun with it!

Cooking time (duration): 5

Number of servings (yield): 12

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Cowboy Irish Stew

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1 Tbsp coarse salt

1 Tbsp ground black pepper

2 Tbsp vegetable oil

2 1/2 pounds beef stew meat

1 medium onion, chopped

8 cloves garlic, minced

2 cups beef stock

1 Tbsp spicy mustard or Dijon mustard

2 tsp fresh thyme leaves

1large turnip, peeled and diced

3 carrots, cut in bite-sized pieces

1 pound potatoes, cut in 1/2-inch pieces

1 pound crimini or portobello mushrooms, cut in bite-sized pieces

3 Tbsp fresh parsley, chopped

2 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1/4 tsp liquid smoke

Salt and pepper to taste

Method:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.  In a medium bowl, mix together flour, salt and pepper.  Set aside.

Heat oil in a large, oven proof pot over medium heat.  Dredge beef in flour mixture and add to pot with garlic and onions.  Cook until well browned on all sides, stirring occasionally.  Add all remaining ingredients except parsley and mushrooms.  Reduce heat to medium low, cover and cook for 10 minutes.

After 10 minutes, stir well to incorporate the browned bits from the bottom of the pot.  Cover and place in oven for 30 minutes.

Remove from oven, add parsley and mushrooms and cook, covered, over medium heat for an additional 10 minutes.  Taste for seasoning and serve with a good crusty bread.

Share and Enjoy!

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Red Beans and Rice:

Ingredients:

2 cups long grained white rice

4 cups + a tad chicken stock, beef stock, water or vegetable stock

2 13 – 16 oz. cans red beans of your choice (I used kidneys) drained well

1 onion, chopped

1 bell pepper, chopped

1 rib celery, chopped

1 – 2 cloves garlic, chopped (If using the refrigerated pre-chopped kind, 1 tsp = approx 1 clove)

1 tbsp sofrito (if you don’t have this, either omit, or use salsa, pico de gallo, tomato paste or crushed tomatoes)

2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

1 tsp chili powder

Salt and pepper to taste

2 tbsp chopped parsley, if desired, for garnish

Method:

Heat a medium sauce pan over meduim-high heat until fairly hot. Add oil, onions, celery, bell pepper and a pinch of salt and pepper. Sauté until onions and celery are just beginning to turn translucent. Add garlic and sauté an additional 2 minutes, stirring constantly to avoid burning.

Add rice, liquid, chili powder and sofrito. Bring to a boil, cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes or until almost all liquid is absorbed.

Add beans, stir to combine, cover and return to heat for 5 minutes.

Season to taste, serve and enjoy!

*************************

 King Ranch Chicken Shells

Summary: Mini puff pastry tarts are filled with a spicy chicken mixture and topped with melted cheese to make this outrageously good appetizer.

Ingredients

1 skinless, boneless chicken breast half (about 6 ounces)

2 tablespoons lime juice

Ground black pepper

1 tablespoon olive oil

2 tablespoons butter

1 small onion, diced (about 1/4 cup)

1/4 cup seeded diced New Mexico or Anaheim chile pepper

1/4 cup seeded diced red pepper

1 clove garlic, minced

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon light chili powder

1/4 teaspoon ground cumin

1/4 cup Swanson Chicken Broth OR Swanson Chicken Stock

1/3 cup milk

1 plum tomato, diced (about 1/2 cup)

2 tablespoons sour cream

2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro leaves

1/2 of a 17.3-ounce package Pepperidge Farm Puff Pastry Sheets (1 sheet), thawed

1/2 cup shredded Cheddar and pepper Jack cheese blend

Instructions

Drizzle the chicken with 1 tablespoon lime juice and season with the black pepper.

Heat the oil in a 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken and cook for 15 minutes or until well browned on both sides and cooked through. Remove the chicken from the skillet. Finely chop the chicken.

Heat the butter in the skillet over medium heat. Add the onion, chile pepper and red pepper and cook until the vegetables are tender, stirring occasionally. Stir in the garlic, flour, chili powder and cumin. Cook and stir for 2 minutes.

Reduce the heat to low. Stir the chicken and broth in the skillet and cook for 2 minutes. Stir in the milk and tomato and cook until the mixture boils and thickens. Stir in the remaining lime juice, the sour cream and cilantro. Season with additional black pepper. Remove the skillet from the heat.

Heat the oven to 400°F.

Unfold the pastry sheet on a lightly floured surface. Roll the pastry sheet into a 10×12-inch rectangle. Cut into 24 (2 x 2 1/2-inch) rectangles. Press the rectangles into 24 (1 3/4-inch) mini muffin-pan cups.

Bake for 15 minutes or until the pastries are golden brown. Using the back of a spoon, press down the centers of the hot pastries to make an indentation. Let the pastries cool in the pan on a wire rack for 5 minutes.

Spoon about 1 tablespoon chicken mixture into each pastry. Top each with 1 teaspoon cheese.

Bake for 5 minutes or until the cheese is melted. Let the pastries cool in the pan on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Sprinkle with additional chopped fresh cilantro, if desired.

Cooking time (duration): 55

Number of servings (yield): 12

Meal type: hors d’oerves

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A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND,  was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. 

 He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

 It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

 *************************

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

*************************

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna lovethis....)*

*

*

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark !!!

 ***********************

Fact or fact... new study

 2011 New Study finds ( what everybody knew all along)-

 It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. 

The husband sits up and begs. 

The wife rolls over and plays dead

*************************

Alzheimer's Test  

How fast can you guess these words?

1.   F_ _K

2.   PU_S_

3.   S_X    

4.   P_N_S  

5.   BOO_S

6.   _ _NDOM

Answers:  below the line

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

John 13:35

(35) By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." 

Even as God is revealed by what He does, so will His children. Our love for God has not made this possible, but His love for us has, as I John 4:19 says, "We love Him because He first loved us." Thus, our love for Him is a response to His love for us. Since God shows His love for us by drawing us to Him, it behooves us to do acts of love toward others to draw them.

God's act of love in giving His Son defines the ultimate requirement of true love, the giving of our most beloved possession in sacrifice for another's gain. We can understand, then, that godly love will almost always have sacrifice involved in its giving. Sacrifice is the essence, the essential or vital part, of love.

God's love originates in Himself, was manifested in His Son, and is perfected in His people. God's love is perfected in us when we reproduce it in or among ourselves, primarily in our fellowship. We either use love and perfect it or lose it. This partly explains the apostle John's intense concern about fellowship. What concerned him is not just an optional blessing to believers, but a fundamental outlet for the manifestation and perfection of God's love among and in the saints.

It should be obvious that we neither have God's love by nature, nor is it self-generated. Romans 5:5 verifies this understanding: "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which was given to us." We receive godly love from its Source, God, by means of His Spirit.

Only by knowing God can we have this love, and only by loving can we know Him! This may sound like a vicious cycle, but the two go together. Only by learning to love God can we learn His nature, that is, what He is like. We cannot have that love until we first come to know Him. By fellowshipping with Him, we come to know Him and receive His love, and in using His love, we become like Him and really know Him. We can only really come to know God by experiencing the use of His love ourselves.

All this is possible because God, in His love, initiates a relationship with us, grants us repentance, gives us His Spirit, and then, because of His love, takes the lead in sustaining the relationship. This is why Paul says in Romans 5:10 that "we shall be saved by His life." He primarily shoulders the burden of our salvation. How comforting!

John 10:28-30

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.””

**********************

WORD FOR THE DAY:

haughty • HAW-tee  â€¢ adjective

: blatantly and disdainfully proud 

Examples:

"Do you know who I am?" asked the woman with a tone of haughtydisdain.

"Diana Ross was the first modern pop diva, a benchmark of haughty elegance that laid the path for Whitney, Mariah and Christina. Her front-and-center attitude could be trying; she constantly overshadowed fellow Supremes Flo Ballard and Mary Wilson and demanded top billing in the trio's final years." -- From a review by Christian Schaeffer in the Dallas Observer (Texas), February 24, 2011

***************************

“Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. ”

Add to my bookShare this quote Thomas Jefferson

“Kids should practice autographing baseballs. This is a skill that's often overlooked in Little League. ”

Tug McGraw

“My opposition to the Vietnam War. I was the first Hollywood actor to speak out against it. ”

Robert Vaughn

***************************

Caramelized Country Cabbage

Serves 4

1 (3- to 3 1/4 -pound) head of cabbage, preferably with several attractive outer leaves

1/4 cup unsalted butter

kosher salt, freshly ground black pepper

1 pound reduced-fat turkey kielbasa sausages, optional

oil

DIRECTIONS

Remove attractive outer leaves of cabbage and set aside for garnish. Quarter cabbage. Cut out and discard tough cores. Cut each quarter, crosswise, into 1-inch-wide strips.

Melt butter in large, heavy, deep-sided, oven-proof pot over high heat. When hot, add half the cabbage strips and stir constantly with wooden spoon until slightly wilted, 1 to 2 minutes. Add remaining cabbage and cook, stirring constantly, until all cabbage is wilted and lightly browned, about 15 minutes. Season with 1 teaspoon salt and several grinds black pepper.

Place pot in oven on middle rack and bake, uncovered, at 300 degrees until cabbage takes on rich brown color and is fork tender, 40 to 45 minutes. Stir cabbage every 15 minutes while in oven. When done, remove and taste and season with more salt and pepper, if desired. (Cabbage can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cool, cover and refrigerate. Reheat, stirring, over low heat until hot. Refrigerate outer cabbage leaves separately in large, tightly sealed plastic bag.)

When ready to serve, if using kielbasa, cut sausages on the diagonal into 3-inch lengths. Using stove-top grill pan brushed with oil or large, heavy skillet with thin film of oil on bottom, place over medium-high heat and when hot, add sausages and grill or saute until hot and lightly browned, 4 to 5 minutes.

To serve, arrange reserved cabbage leaves as border on serving platter. Mound cabbage in center and surround with sausages.

****************************

Southern Red Velvet Cake

30 min

Level: IntermediateYield: about 6 to 8 servings

Ingredients

Vegetable oil for the pans

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon fine salt

1 teaspoon cocoa powder

1 1/2 cups vegetable oil

1 cup buttermilk, at room temperature

2 large eggs, at room temperature

2 tablespoons red food coloring (1 ounce)

1 teaspoon white distilled vinegar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Cream Cheese Frosting, recipe follows

Crushed pecans, for garnish

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil and flour 3 (9 by 1 1/2-inch round) cake pans.

In a large bowl, sift together the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder. In another large bowl, whisk together the oil, buttermilk, eggs, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla.

Using a standing mixer, mix the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients until just combined and a smooth batter is formed.

Divide the cake batter evenly among the prepared cake pans. Place the pans in the oven evenly spaced apart. Bake, rotating the pans halfway through the cooking, until the cake pulls away from the side of the pans, and a toothpick inserted in the center of the cakes comes out clean, about 30 minutes.

Remove the cakes from the oven and run a knife around the edges to loosen them from the sides of the pans. One at a time, invert the cakes onto a plate and then re-invert them onto a cooling rack, rounded-sides up. Let cool completely.

Frost the cake. Place 1 layer, rounded-side down, in the middle of a rotating cake stand. Using a palette knife or offset spatula spread some of the cream cheese frosting over the top of the cake. (Spread enough frosting to make a 1/4 to 1/2-inch layer.) Carefully set another layer on top, rounded-side down, and repeat. Top with the remaining layer and cover the entire cake with the remaining frosting. Sprinkle the top with the pecans.

Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 pound cream cheese, softened

4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), softened

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, or with a hand-held electric mixer in a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, sugar, and butter on low speed until incorporated. Increase the speed to high, and mix until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Occasionally turn the mixer off, and scrape the down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.)

Reduce the speed of the mixer to low. Add the vanilla, raise the speed to high and mix briefly until fluffy (scrape down the bowl occasionally). Store in the refrigerator until somewhat stiff, before using. May be stored in the refrigerator for 3 days.

Yield: enough to frost a 3 layer (9-inch) cake

***************************

Hummingbird Cake

Prep 50 min

Inactive Prep 20 min

Cook  55 min

Total: 2 hr 5 min

Ingredients

Unsalted butter, for greasing

2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

1 cup pecan pieces

3 ripe bananas, chopped

1/2 cup finely chopped fresh pineapple

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 large eggs, at room temperature

1 3/4 cups granulated sugar

1 cup vegetable oil

For the Frosting:

2 packages cream cheese (8 ounces each), at room temperature

12 tablespoons unsalted butter, cubed, at room temperature

2 cups confectioners' sugar

1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Make the cake: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter two 8-inch round cake pans and line with parchment paper. Butter the parchment and dust with flour.

Spread the pecans on a baking sheet and bake until fragrant and toasted, about 8 minutes. Let cool slightly, then roughly chop. Toss with the bananas, pineapple and 1/2 cup flour in a small bowl.

Whisk the remaining 2 1/4 cups flour, the cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, baking soda and salt in a bowl. Beat the eggs and granulated sugar in a separate bowl with a mixer on high speed until thick and light, 5 minutes. Gradually beat in the vegetable oil.

Sprinkle the flour mixture over the egg mixture, then gently fold to make a thick batter. Fold in the pecan-fruit mixture, then transfer the batter to the prepared pans. Bake until the cakes are firm and a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean, 50 to 55 minutes. Cool in the pans on a rack, 25 minutes, then invert the cakes onto the rack to cool completely.

Make the frosting: Beat the cream cheese in a large bowl with a mixer until fluffy, then gradually beat in the butter until combined. Sift the confectioners' sugar over the cream cheese mixture and beat until smooth. Add the lemon zest and vanilla and beat until light and fluffy.

Place one cake layer on a serving plate. Spread about half of the frosting on top, then cover with the other cake layer. Spread the remaining frosting over the top and sides of the cake.

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Sweet and Sour Squash

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  20 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 8

Sicily is probably the origin of this recipe, adapted from Cia Eramo's La cucina mantovana. It is identical to the classic fegato ai sette cannoli, named after a fountain in Palermo with seven spouts. Few people in the surrounding poverty-stricken neighborhood could afford meat. Pumpkin is meaty, however, and when cooked has so much body that they likened it to liver (fegato). Use pumpkin, Hubbard, butternut, or another large yellow hard-skinned winter squash for this dish.

INGREDIENTS

2-pound piece butternut squash or pumpkin

1/3 cup olive oil, or as needed

1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh mint

2 or 3 large cloves of garlic, sliced paper-thin

1/2 cup red wine vinegar

1/2 cup sugar

Pinch of ground cinnamon (optional)

salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS

Halve the squash, discard the seeds and fibers, peel the halves, and cut the pulp into 1/3-inch-thick slices.

Warm half the olive oil in a large sauté pan over medium heat. In batches, add the squash slices and sauté, adding oil as needed and turning to brown both sides, until tender, 6 to 8 minutes. Using a slotted spatula, transfer to a serving platter. Cover with the mint and garlic.

To the oil remaining in the pan, add the vinegar, sugar, and the cinnamon, if using, and cook until the sugar dissolves and the sauce thickens, about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Pour the sauce over the squash. Serve at room temperature.

Notes: Some versions of this dish call for cooking the garlic in the oil, discarding it, and then cooking the squash. Some omit both the vinegar and cinnamon.

****************************

Jambalaya

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour

Yield:  Makes 12 servings

INGREDIENTS

1 3/4 quarts chicken broth, or four 13 3/4-ounce cans

1 1/2 pounds medium shrimp, peeled, shells reserved

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 pound andouille, Cajun, or other spicy sausage

1 cup chopped celery

2 cups chopped green bell peppers

2 cups chopped onions

1 serrano or 2 jalapeno peppers, chopped

4 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup diced tomatoes

1/2 cup tomato juice

1/2 cup tomato paste

2 bay leaves

1/2 teaspoon crushed red chili flakes

1/4 teaspoon salt (optional)

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 1/2 cups long-grain rice

1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil, or 1 teaspoon dried

Chopped scallions or onions for garnish

DIRECTIONS

In a large stockpot, bring the chicken broth and reserved shrimp shells to a simmer. Let simmer for 10 minutes. Then strain and set the broth aside until ready to use in step three.

In a second large stockpot, heat the vegetable oil, then slice the sausage into 1/4-inch rounds, and cook it until lightly browned. Add the celery, bell peppers, and onions. Cook for about 10 minutes. Add the chilies and garlic and sauté for 5 minutes more. Stir in the diced tomatoes, tomato juice, tomato paste, and bay leaves.

Add the strained shellfish-flavored chicken broth and the crushed red chili flakes. Season the mixture with a little salt and pepper. Add the long-grain rice, cover the pot, and simmer for 15 to 18 minutes.

Finally, stir in the basil and add the shrimp. Cook for 5 minutes longer with the cover off. Be sure that the rice is almost cooked before you add the shrimp, so the shrimp won't overcook.

Serve in bowls and garnish with scallions or onions.

***************************

Classic Macaroni and Cheese

Yield:  Serves 6 to 8, or 10 to 12 as a side

It's crucial to cook the pasta until tender--just past the "al dente" stage. In fact, overcooking is better than undercooking the pasta. Whole, low-fat, and skim milk all work well in this recipe. The recipe can be halved and baked in an 8-inch-square, broilersafe baking dish. If desired, offer celery salt or hot sauce (such as Tabasco) for sprinkling at the table.

INGREDIENTS

For the Bread Crumb Topping:

6 slices of white sandwich bread (good-quality, about 6 ounces), torn into rough pieces

3 tablespoons unsalted butter (cold), cut into 6 pieces

For the Pasta and Cheese:

1 pound elbow macaroni

1 tablespoon table salt

5 tablespoons unsalted butter

6 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons mustard powder

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)

5 cups milk

8 ounces monterey jack cheese shredded (2 cups)

8 ounces sharp cheddar cheese shredded (2 cups)

1 teaspoon table salt

DIRECTIONS

FOR THE BREAD CRUMBS:

Pulse bread and butter in food processor until crumbs are no larger than 1/8 inch, ten to fifteen 1-second pulses. Set aside.

FOR THE PASTA AND CHEESE:

Adjust oven rack to lower-middle position and heat broiler. Bring 4 quarts water to boil in Dutch oven over high heat. Add macaroni and 

1 tablespoon salt; cook until pasta is tender. Drain pasta and set aside in colander.

In now-empty Dutch oven, heat butter over medium-high heat until foaming. Add flour, mustard, and cayenne (if using) and whisk well to combine. Continue whisking until mixture becomes fragrant and deepens in color, about 

1 minute. Gradually whisk in milk; bring mixture to boil, whisking constantly (mixture must reach full boil to fully thicken). Reduce heat to medium and simmer, whisking occasionally, until thickened to consistency of heavy cream, about 5 minutes. Off heat, whisk in cheeses and 

1 teaspoon salt until cheeses are fully melted. Add pasta and cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is steaming and heated through, about 6 minutes.

Transfer mixture to broiler-safe 9-by 13-inch baking dish and sprinkle evenly with bread crumbs. Broil until crumbs are deep golden brown, 3 to 5 minutes, rotating pan if necessary for even browning. Cool about 5 minutes, then serve.

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Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived 

... I think I'll wear Gold tonight." 

 Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change." 

***************************

The Indian With One Testicle

 There once was an Indian who had only one testicle,and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated thatname and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'

 The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then, one day, a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her, took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.  He made love to her all the next day,until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being  away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.  She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

 Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,  then he made love to her all day; made love to her all night; made love to her all the next day; made love to her all the next night.  But Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 Why ???

 OH, come on... take a guess !!!

 Think about it !!!

 You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

***************************

When Love Fades...  

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen. 

"What would you like for dinner my Love. . .. Chicken, beef or lamb?" 

I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken." 

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

****************************

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.

A  farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that..  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

***************************

That's embarrassing

David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and

takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

***************************

The Health Care System in a Nutshell.

"Mrs Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will pay for these expensive tests only once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Help desk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

****************************

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV..... 

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED... 

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.. 

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH... 

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST:  "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD. 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"Whatever sorrow or difficulty the day brings. My tender command is the same. Love and laugh." -- GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

Not My Will

Luke 9:23-24, NIV: "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.'"

If I were to deny to myself, what would that look like? Jesus denied Himself, and it meant a life of slavery to God the Father. He counted His rights to anything from this life as forfeit: "Not my will, but Thy will..." Am I willing to recognize that I must deny myself what I want out of life in order that God's purpose be fulfilled in me? Am I willing to take up my cross daily and follow Him? Jesus took up His cross as one condemned to die. Do I live as though I am on death row--condemned to die? If so, my considerations are to putting my house in order, seeking God, and loving others while there is time. I do not plug away making for myself a life in this world, for the next world weighs heavy on my mind. "...anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me" (Mt. 10:38). The natural reaction is to begin to question, "But, doesn't God want me to have..." this or that? God wants our full and complete surrender to Jesus. In turn, He is able to give you what He wants you to have--and that is far greater than anything we would seek for ourselves.

Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid.

- Isaiah 29:14

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

mumbo jumbo   

  MUHM-boh JUHM-boh  , noun;

1.  Senseless or pretentious language, usually designed to obscure an issue, confuse a listener, or the like.

2.  Meaningless incantation or ritual.

3.  An object of superstitious awe or reverence.

Quotes:

You go into people's houses, do some mumbo jumbo , right, they don't know the difference. How much do you make?

-- Han Ong, Fixer Chao

I despise his mumbo jumbo , his fanatical adherents, his arcane incantations to the psyche, his dreamy unprovable theories, his endless categorizations of all things human.

-- Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

Origin:

Though the popular impression is that mumbo jumbo  derives from an African language of the Niger region, this supposition is unproven, and the term's origin is uncertain.

***************************

You might be a REDNECK if...

  ..bikers back down from your momma.

THINGS TO PONDER:  If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

CONFUCIOUS QUOTE:  If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

"When life's problems seem 

overwhelming, look around and see 

what other people are coping with. 

You may consider yourself fortunate." 

- Ann Landers

Samuel Goldwyn

"A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad."

Rose Kennedy

"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."

Robert Anthony

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."

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How to Teach Your Dog to Do a High Five

Make your pooch the hippest dog on the block by teaching her how to greet you with a high-five. This trick shouldn't take long for the well-trained dog to pick up.

Steps

Hand raising and treat method

1  Choose a quiet area. It is important to find a spot where you and your dog can work together without distractions.

2Let your dog smell the treats. Place one of the treats in your palm, make a fist, and put your hand under your dog’s nose. Hold it four or five inches (10 - 12.5cm) away from her face. Your dog may smell the treat and paw at your hand.

Don’t sit too far away from your dog. She may lose her balance when she touches your hand.

3Reward your dog. Reward your dog with a treat each time she paws at your hand. Repeat until your dog consistently touches your hand.

Move your hand slightly to the side. Your dog will have lean to follow the treat, which will encourage her to touch your hand.

4Open your hand for the high-five move. Open your fist and hold your flat palm in the air vertically. Acknowledge each successful touch by your dog with a treat.

5Mark her behavioral responses with a verbal cue. Add a verbal cue, like saying “High-Five!” each time your dog touches your palm. Now you can celebrate with your dog, and she won’t leave you hanging.

Paw-shake method

If your dog already knows how to paw-shake, try this method.[1]

1As in the previous method, choose a quiet place without distractions, and have plenty of treats ready. Be at face level with her at this stage and have your dog seated.

2Ask your dog to paw-shake with your usual cues. When your dog puts her paw in your hand as usual, uncurl or open your hand up in front of her and say "high five". Her paw will be resting on a flat, open hand now.

3Turn your hand to face your dog. Rather than accepting the paw for a shake now, each time turn your hand outward to face your dog so that she sees this new hand position clearly. Naturally, she won't be able to rest her paw on your hand as with a shake but that's the intention, as she'll be learning to accept that striking your open hand is the aim, not having her paw held. Continue to encourage her to place her paw on or near your outward facing hand and keep saying an encouraging "High Five".

4When she lands her paw on your outward-facing hand, say "High Five". Give a treat as a reward each time.

5Repeat. As she gets used to the new move and "high five" cue, start raising your hand slightly until you are standing. This will cause her to jump up to give a "high five". Reward each move with a treat.

Be careful. Her claws will scratch you if you don't hold the hand right. At this level, hold your hand at a 45 degree angle away from her.[2]

6Try alternating paws. Once she's got the idea with one paw, try training her to use the other paw as well.

Clicker training method

If your dog is used to clicker training, here is a method to try. The term "paw it" is used here but use whatever term you're used to using with your dog to get her to place her paw in your hand:[3]

1Start low down. Ask your dog to "paw it" either using a stick on your hand or just your hand. Only use a stick if you have already trained her to respond to a target stick, otherwise keep with just the hand.

2Allow her to paw your hand. Click, then give a treat.

3Remove the target stick if using one (fade it out). Continue saying "paw it". Click and treat when she places her paw in your hand.

4Gradually raise your hand bit by bit. Continue to ask her to "paw it" at the varying higher levels. Each time she paws your hand, click and treat her.

5Place your hand in its final high five position after the gradual moving up of the hand. Continue to click and treat as she slaps your hand. Once it is very clear she has got the message, start saying "Give me five" or "High five" every time she responds to this position properly.

6Simply use the cue words now. Practice again and again until she responds without hesitation.

Tips

All new training requires treats and praise to reinforce the actions you want. Be lavish with both!

Continue praising your dog whenever she high fives you.

Tricks are a delightful way of spending time with and bonding with your dog.

Warnings

Don't grab her paw while she's learning this. Take it easy, and just let her figure out what needs to be done.

Avoid training for more than 15 minutes at a time.[4] Give her time to digest the learning and return to it again later.

Things You'll Need

A quiet area

A dog

Dog treats

Clicker if clicker training, and target stick

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Creamy Watercress Soup

Classic steakhouse flavors—horseradish, watercress and blue cheese—are combined in this pureed soup. The spicy, bold flavor of watercress pairs well with the rich flavor of beef, so we use beef broth as the base for the soup. Vegetable broth works, too, if you want to make a vegetarian version.

4 servings, about 1 1/2 cups each

Active Time: 40 minutes

Total Time: 40 minutes

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided

1 small onion, diced

4 cloves garlic, minced

4 cups reduced-sodium beef broth or vegetable broth, divided

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1/8 teaspoon salt

8 cups chopped watercress, any tough stems removed, plus 1/2 cup leaves for garnish

2 tablespoons shredded fresh horseradish (see Note) or prepared horseradish, or to taste

1/2 cup half-and-half

Freshly ground pepper to taste

2 slices day-old sourdough bread, crusts removed, finely chopped

2 tablespoons crumbled blue cheese (optional)

PREPARATION

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a large Dutch oven over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and cook, stirring often, until the vegetables start to soften and brown, 3 to 5 minutes. Meanwhile, whisk 1 cup broth and flour in a small bowl until completely smooth. Set aside. Add the remaining 3 cups broth and salt to the pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a simmer and cook, stirring often, until the onion is very tender, about 5 minutes.

Stir chopped watercress into the pot and cook, stirring often, until tender, about 5 minutes. Stirring constantly, add the flour mixture and horseradish. Bring to a simmer and cook until thickened, 1 to 3 minutes.

Puree the soup in a blender in batches until smooth. (Use caution when pureeing hot liquids.) Return to the pot, stir in half-and-half and season with pepper; keep warm.

Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon oil in a medium skillet over medium-low heat. Add breadcrumbs and cook, stirring often, until golden and crispy, 3 to 5 minutes.

Ladle soup into 4 bowls. Garnish with the breadcrumbs, watercress leaves and blue cheese, if desired.

TIPS & NOTES

Ingredient note: Look for fresh horseradish root in the produce section of well-stocked supermarkets. Peel with a paring knife or vegetable peeler before grating.

NUTRITION

Per serving: 223 calories; 11 g fat ( 3 g sat , 6 g mono ); 16 mg cholesterol; 23 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 8 g protein; 2 g fiber; 716 mg sodium; 482 mg potassium.

Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin C (57% daily value), Vitamin A (46% dv), Folate (20% dv)

Carbohydrate Servings: 1 1/2

Exchanges: 1 starch, 1 vegetable, 2 fat

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Braised Chicken with Scallion Purée

Yield:  4 servings

INGREDIENTS

2 teaspoon vegetable oil

1 chicken, cut into 4 pieces

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

5 bunches scallions, trimmed and thickly sliced

1/3 cup white wine

3 cups chicken stock

2 russet potatoes, peeled and quartered

2 tablespoon heavy cream

DIRECTIONS

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. Season chicken with salt and pepper, and cook, skin side down, until golden, about 5 minutes. Turn chicken, add two thirds of the scallions, and brown chicken on other side, about 3 minutes. Transfer chicken to a platter.

Continue to cook scallions until just soft, 1 to 2 minutes more. Add wine, scraping up browned bits with a wooden spoon, and reduce by half. Return chicken to skillet, and add stock and potatoes. Reduce heat to medium low, and braise, partially covered, until chicken is cooked through, about 50 minutes.

Transfer chicken to a platter, and loosely cover with foil. Strain braising liquid into a small bowl. Transfer potatoes and scallions to a medium bowl. Return braising liquid to skillet, and reduce by half over high heat. Add remaining scallions, and cook for 30 seconds. Mash reserved potatoes and scallions with a fork; then stir in heavy cream. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Put potatoes on a serving platter, arrange chicken over potatoes, and spoon scallions over chicken.

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Potato, Mushroom, and Chicken Hash

Active Time:  30 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 4

Always a brunch favorite, hash is a hearty dinner option as well. You might top each serving with a fried egg. The yolk makes a silky sauce for every bite it touches.

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds boiling potatoes, peeled and cut into 3/4-inch pieces

4 tablespoons cooking oil

1 onion, chopped

2 cloves garlic, chopped

1/2 pound mushrooms, cut into 1/2-inch pieces

1 1/3 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 4), cut into 1/2-inch pieces

1 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1/4 cup heavy cream

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

 DIRECTIONS

Put the potatoes in a medium saucepan of salted water. Bring to a boil and simmer until almost tender, about 5 minutes. Drain.

In a large nonstick frying pan, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil over moderate heat. Add the onion, garlic, and mushrooms and cook, stirring occasionally, until the mushrooms are browned, about 6 minutes. Add the chicken, 1/2 teaspoon of the salt, the pepper, and the thyme. Saute until the chicken is almost cooked through, 3 to 4 minutes. Remove the mixture from the pan.

Wipe out the frying pan and then heat the remaining 3 tablespoons oil over moderately high heat. Add the drained potatoes and let cook, without stirring, for 6 minutes. Add the remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, stir the potatoes, and cook until well browned, about 4 minutes longer. Stir in the chicken and mushrooms, the cream, and the parsley. Cook until just heated through, 1 to 2 minutes longer.

Test-Kitchen Tip

This is the perfect place to use leftover cooked turkey or chicken. Just toss it in at the end with the mushrooms.

***************************

Eggplant Parmigiana

Active Time:  15 Minutes

Total Time:  1 Hour 45 Minutes

Yield:  Serves 8

 INGREDIENTS

For Sauce:

1 large garlic clove, finely chopped

3 tablespoons olive oil

2 cans tomatoes, or 10 oz very ripe tomatoes, peeled

2 tablespoons tomato paste

1 tablespoon chopped fresh oregano

1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley

For Eggplants:

4 eggplants

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup olive oil

6 oz  mozzarella cheese

1/4 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese

DIRECTIONS

FOR SAUCE: In a large frying-pan, cook garlic in oil until tender and aromatic. Add tomatoes, tomato paste, salt, pepper and herbs. Bring to a boil and simmer for about 1 hour, or until sauce is thick and reduced by half.

FOR EGGPLANTS: Meanwhile cut eggplants into thin slices. Sprinkle with salt and allow to drain for 1 hour. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Pat eggplants dry and dust with flour. Heat 1/4 cup oil in frying-pan and fry slices over moderately high heat until lightly browned on both sides. Add more oil as necessary.

TO ASSEMBLE: Cut mozzarella into thin slices. Cover bottom of an oiled gratin dish with a thin layer tomato sauce and add a layer of eggplant and one of mozzarella. Spoon on more sauce, add another layer of eggplant and mozzarella and sprinkle with Parmesan. Repeat. Bake in oven for 30 minutes.

Nutrition Facts per Serving

Yield: Yield:  Serves 8

Calories: 348

Fat. Total: 24g

Fiber: 8g

Carbohydrates, Total: 26g

Sodium: 628mg

% Cal. from Fat: 62%

Cholesterol: 14mg

Protein: 12g

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Baked Pasta with Sausage and Baby Portobello Mushroom White Sauce

Active Time:  20 Minutes

Total Time:  30 Minutes

Yield:  8 servings

This is one another favorite dish of mine. It relatively easy to make and it tastes delicious with it's rich qualities.

INGREDIENTS

1 pound dried penne pasta

1 pound sweet Italian sausage taken out of it's casing

3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

1 pound baby Portobello mushrooms sliced

3 cloves fresh garlic  -  minced

1 1/2 cups heavy cream

1/4 teaspoon rounded of salt

1/4 teaspoon cracked black pepper

1/2 cup parmesan cheese - grated

8 ounces whole milk mozzarella cheese - shredded

DIRECTIONS

Cook Pasta in a salted boiling pot of water until al dente; drain pasta & transfer to a large bowl, put aside a 3 quart flame proof casserole dish, for the baking process.

Preheat broiler

Cook sausage in one tablespoon of olive oil in a 12 inch skillet over medium-high heat. Stirring occasionally to prevent sticking/burning while breaking up and large pieces of sausage, until no longer pink. Transfer sausage to a bowl leaving behind the fat in the skillet.

Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil to the already existing fat in the skillet. Add pressed garlic and mushrooms to the skillet over medium-high heat until mushrooms are cooked (do not over-cook - garlic should not burn), garlic should not get darker than golden brown. Cook time should be 5 - 7 minutes.

Return sausage to skillet along with heavy cream along with salt & pepper. Boil over medium-high heat until thickened, about 5-6 minutes. Pour over pasta (in large bowl) and mix in parmesan and 1/2 cup of mozzarella cheese. Salt to taste.

Pour into casserole/baking dish and top with remaining mozzarella cheese.

Broil 3-4 inches from broiler until golden brown in spots, about 5-7 mins.

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Most businesses like that our credit card machines automatically print "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom of receipts. Though one guy called to ask if I could take it off.

"Sure," I said. "But do you mind my asking why?"

"It just seems inappropriate," he answered. "We're a funeral home."

***************************

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

***************************

My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in his olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things. While on line at the checkout counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband, in turn, gave the young man a crisp salute.

The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced, "Look, Mom, a giant Boy Scout."

***************************

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

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"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for the Inebriates' Home and—"

"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him anywhere's ye're welcome to him."

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Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

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Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. 

In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

***************************

ADVICE FOR SOON TO BE SENIORS

It could happen to any of us... 

This is pretty funny - I hope you enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver.  Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo balboa, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits..

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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When you put the gas nozzle into your tank and pull the trigger, listen...  You will see the numbers adding up, but there is no sound of the gas going into your tank for about 3 seconds or about 15-20 cents worth.  Strange! 

What next?

stop at 10 litres and check the price - read and you will understand.....

 Cheating at the gas pumps

This is true.  It happened to them three weeks ago somewhere in Ridgetown on  our way to Kingston . The  pump should have totaled @ $38.00 (and change).  When   the receipt was printed, and she checked it was $ 47.00 (and change)..  She got mad,  went inside the store, asked for a calculator  and let them  do the math. They refunded her.  She told them that if they cheat, they  had   better make it right. Normally, her husband would skip printing the  receipt.. Not  her

We saw on the news the other night  that this is happening everywhere.

Brian  pumped exactly one liter of gas. The price  did not match the cost  of one liter. It was  higher. He went inside and complained, got a  refund.

There is also a number on each  pump that you can call and complain..

This is a true story, so read  it carefully.

On March 24, 2009, I  stopped at a gas station in Chatham . My  truck's

gas gauge was on 1/4 of a tank. I use  the regular grade, which was priced at  $0.885  per liter. When my tank is at this point, it  takes somewhere  around 45 liters to fill  it up.

When the pump showed 45 liters had  been pumped, I began to slow it down. Then,  to my surprise, it went to 50, then 55. I even  looked under my  truck to see if it was being  spilled. It was not. Then it showed 60 liters on  the pump. It stopped at 62  liters. This was very strange to me, since my truck has only a 65 liter tank. I went  on my way a little confused, then on the evening  news I heard a report that  1 out of 10 gas stations had calibrated their pumps to show more  gas  had been pumped than a person actually got.

Here is how to check a pump to see  if you are getting the right amount:

Whichever grade you are using,  put EXACTLY 10 LITERS in your tank,  then  look at the dollar amount. If the dollar amount is not EXACTLY 10 times  the price of the fuel you have chosen, then the pumps are  rigged.

In my case, as I said, the  mid-grade was $0.885 per liter; my dollar amount  for 10 liters should have been $8.85 . I wish I  had checked the pump. It doesn't matter where  you pump gas, please check the 10  liter price. If you do find a station that is  cheating, contact the MTO, and direct your  comments to the Commissioner, the info is on  the gas pumps.

Please don't delete this  until you have sent it to all people in your address book. We need to put a stop to  this outrageous cheating of customers. The  gas companies are making enough profits at honest rates.

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TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE !

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt.Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about  "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and  the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented   "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

True Story. 

 **************************

Love Story 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. 

After having great sex ... She spent the next 

Hour just rubbing his testicles ... 

Something she just loved to do. 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 

"Why do you love doing that?" 

"I Really Miss Mine" 

Have A Nice Day And Keep Smiling!!!!!!! 

Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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REMINDERS FROM GOD:

"You have an answer to every fear evil may present -- faith and confidence in Me."  -- GOD

Our Daily Devotional:

Not My Will

Luke 9:23-24, NIV: "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.'"

If I were to deny to myself, what would that look like? Jesus denied Himself, and it meant a life of slavery to God the Father. He counted His rights to anything from this life as forfeit: "Not my will, but Thy will..." Am I willing to recognize that I must deny myself what I want out of life in order that God's purpose be fulfilled in me? Am I willing to take up my cross daily and follow Him? Jesus took up His cross as one condemned to die. Do I live as though I am on death row--condemned to die? If so, my considerations are to putting my house in order, seeking God, and loving others while there is time. I do not plug away making for myself a life in this world, for the next world weighs heavy on my mind. "...anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me" (Mt. 10:38). The natural reaction is to begin to question, "But, doesn't God want me to have..." this or that? God wants our full and complete surrender to Jesus. In turn, He is able to give you what He wants you to have--and that is far greater than anything we would seek for ourselves.

Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men:

- Isaiah 29:13

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WORD FOR THE DAY:

disseise • dih-SEEZ  â€¢ verb : to deprive especially wrongfully of : to put out of possession or occupancy : dispossess 

Examples: "The complainant declared that he or she had been disseised -- usually physically and sometimes even violently deprived -- of land unjustly and without judgment of a court." -- From a footnote by Janet Loengard in the 2011 book The Ties That Bind: Essays in Medieval British History in Honor of Barbara Hanawalt "Noting that Joann did not even become aware of the property until after her husband's death - nine years after the transfer of interests - the panel concluded she 'was not therefore disseised of her one-third interest until 1997….'" -- From an article by Melissa P. Stewart, Esq., in Michigan Lawyers Weekly , October 15, 2007

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You might be a REDNECK if...

  ...your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

THINGS TO PONDER:  Why do we but a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

CONFUCIOUS SAYS:     No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.

"You can't cross a sea by merely staring into the water." 

- Rabindranath Tagore 

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The Green Thing, Older generation..hmmm

> > In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she

> > should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good for

> > the environment.  The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t

> > have the green thing back in my day.”

> >

> > The clerk responded, "That's our problem today.  The former generation

> > did not care enough to save our environment."

> >

> > He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

> >

> > Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer

> > bottles to the store.  The store sent them back to the plant to

> > be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles

> > over and over.  So they really were recycled.

> >

> > But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer's day.

> >

> > In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an

> > escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the

> > grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time

> > they had to go two blocks.

> >

> > But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

> >

> > Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the

> > throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an

> > energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind

> > and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down

> > clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

> >

> > But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in

> > her day.

> >

> > Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every

> > room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a

> > screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended

> > and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do

> > everything for you.

> > When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a

> > wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble

> > wrap.

> >

> > Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut

> > the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They

> > exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run

> > on treadmills that operate on electricity.

> >

> > But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.

> >

> > They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a

> > cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They

> > refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and

> > they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the

> > whole razor just because the blade got dull.

> >

> > But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

> >

> > Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes

> > to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a

> > 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not

> > an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t

> > need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites

> > 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

> >

> > But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old

> > folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

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Pineapple Upside-Down Cake (Gluten Free)

PREP TIME  15 Min

TOTAL TIME  1 Hr 30 Min

SERVINGS  9

INGREDIENTS

1/4 cup butter

2/3 cup packed brown sugar

2 tablespoons light corn syrup

9 slices pineapple in juice (from 16-oz can), drained

9 maraschino cherries, drained

1 box (15 oz) Betty Crocker Gluten Free yellow cake mix

1/2 cup butter, softened

2/3 cup water

2 teaspoons gluten-free vanilla

3 eggs

1  Heat oven to 350°F. In 9-inch square pan, melt 1/4 cup butter in oven. Stir in brown sugar and corn syrup; spread evenly in pan. Arrange pineapple slices on brown sugar mixture. Place cherry in center of each pineapple slice.

2  In large bowl, beat cake mix, 1/2 cup butter, water, vanilla and eggs with electric mixer on low speed 30 seconds, then on medium speed 2 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally. Pour batter over pineapple and cherries.

3  Bake 38 to 43 minutes or until surface is golden brown and toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Immediately run knife around side of pan to loose cake. Place heatproof serving plate upside down onto pan; turn plate and pan over. Leave pan over cake 5 minutes so brown sugar topping can drizzle over cake. Remove pan; cool 30 minutes. Serve warm or cool. Store covered in refrigerator.

Expert Tips

Always read labels to make sure each recipe ingredient is gluten free. Products and ingredient sources can change.

A gooey-caramel layer makes this cake extra-wonderful to eat. For fun, serve with fluffy pink clouds of whipped cream made pink with some of the maraschino cherry juice.

Betty’s mixes won gold. The Edison Best New Product Awards are given annually and are voted on by a not-for-profit group. Enjoy this recipe using one of the mixes.

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LEMONADE

For spiked lemonade, muddle 3 tablespoons of fresh mint in a tumbler. Add ice, 1 ounce rum, and 3/4 cup lemonade.

Ingredients

1 cup(s) sugar

6 large lemons, seeded and juiced

Directions

Bring the sugar and 1 cup of water to a boil in a small saucepan. Stir occasionally until sugar dissolves completely. Cool.

Stir the syrup, unstrained lemon juice, and 4 cups of cold water together in a large pitcher.

Chill. Serve over ice.

Tips & Techniques

As its name suggests, superfine sugar is ground ultra fine, which allows it to dissolve almost instantly, making it a good choice for sweetening beverages. If your drink recipe calls for granulated sugar, know that 1 cup of superfine equals the same amount of granulated sugar.

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Strawberry Lemonade

Looking for a drink to quench your thirst all summer long? Add strawberries to lemonade for a fruity twist.

Ingredients

12 ounce(s) (2 cups) strawberries, hulled

2 quart(s) homemade or store-bought sugar-free lemonade

Directions

In blender, puree strawberries. Strain through fine mesh sieve (you should have about 1 c. strained puree). Stir strawberry puree into lemonade. Chill before serving.

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Honey-Rosemary Lemonade

One of the many highlights of living on Capitol Hill is the rosemary bush in front of my brownstone. I'm never too beat to cut off some twigs and concoct a pitcher of honey-rosemary lemonade — sweet and thirst quenching.

Ingredients

4 cup(s) water, divided

1 1/2 cup(s) sugar

2 sprig(s) fresh rosemary, plus more for garnish

1/2 cup(s) honey

Juice from 7 lemons

Lemon slices, for garnish

Directions

Heat 1 cup of water, sugar, and rosemary sprigs in a pot over medium heat and bring to a boil. Let boil for 7 minutes. Remove from the heat, cover, and let steep for 1 1/2 hours.

Once cool, add the honey, lemon juice, and 3 cups of water (add additional water to taste). Remove the rosemary sprigs. Strain the lemonade into a pitcher and chill. Serve garnished with fresh rosemary sprigs and lemon slices.

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Spiked Lemonade

Add ice, 1 ounce rum, and 3/4 cup lemonade to kick it up a notch.

Rosemary-Infused Cucumber Lemonade

Turn fresh rosemary, cucumbers, and lemons into grown-up lemonade that will keep you cool on a hot day.

Watermelon Lemonade

The addition of pureed watermelon gives this drink a tasty twist.

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Carabba's Italian Grill Mamma's Pomodoro Tomato Sauce

Makes approximately 3 cups

Ingredients

1/4 cup olive oil

1 medium onion, peeled and finely diced

1/4 cup garlic cloves, peeled and minced

1 28-ounce (790 g) can whole tomatoes with juice, chopped

kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

10 large basil leaves, each torn into 3-4 pieces

Method

This sauce is very versatile. It can be tossed with pasta, and

stewed with vegetables or your favorite fish or poultry.

1. In a medium-sized stainless steel saucepan, place the olive oil

and onion over medium heat and cook, stirring occasionally, for

8-10 minutes, or until onions are soft and translucent and just

starting to caramelize. Add the garlic and cook 1 more minute,

2. Add the chopped tomatoes and cook for 20 minutes, stirring

frequently to keep the sauce from burning.

3. When the sauce is done, add the salt and pepper to taste. Add

the basil leaves to the top of the sauce and cover tightly.

4. Let the sauce sit for a few minutes, then remove the lid and

stir in the basil.

5. Let cool and store in the refrigerator in an air-tight container.

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Slow Cooker Chicken Chow Mein

No need for take out. Family-favorite chow mein cooks while you're away.

PREP TIME  15 Min

TOTAL TIME  6 Hr 30 Min

SERVINGS  4

INGREDIENTS

8 boneless skinless chicken thighs (about 1 1/2 lb)

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

2 medium carrots, sliced diagonally (1 cup)

2 medium stalks celery, coarsely chopped (1 cup)

1 medium onion, chopped (1/2 cup)

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped

1 cup Progresso chicken broth (from 32-oz carton)

2 tablespoons soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon finely chopped gingerroot

2 tablespoons cornstarch

3 tablespoons cold water

1 cup fresh broccoli florets

1 cup fresh snow pea pods

6 cups chow mein noodles

1  Remove any fat from chicken. Cut chicken into 1-inch pieces. In 10-inch skillet, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook about 5 minutes, turning once, until brown.

2  In 3- to 4-quart slow cooker, place carrots, celery, onion and garlic. Add chicken. Mix broth, soy sauce and gingerroot; pour over chicken.

3  Cover; cook on Low heat setting 6 to 8 hours.

4  In small bowl, mix cornstarch and water until smooth; stir into chicken mixture. Stir in broccoli and pea pods. Increase heat setting to High; cover and cook 15 minutes. Serve over noodles.

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Strawberry Fudge Pie

Prep Time:  30 Min

TOTAL TIME  3 Hr 20 Min

SERVINGS 8

Crust

1 box Pillsbury refrigerated pie crusts, softened as directed on box

Brownie Layer

1 (10.25-oz.) pkg. fudge brownie mix

1/4 cup oil

2 tablespoons water

1 egg

Cheesecake Layer

1 (8-oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened

1/4 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 egg

Topping

3 cups fresh strawberries, halved

2 tablespoons hot fudge ice cream topping

1 Heat oven to 350°F. Place pie crust in 9-inch glass pie pan as directed on package for one-crust filled pie.

2 In large bowl, combine all brownie layer ingredients; beat 50 strokes with spoon. Spread in bottom of crust-lined pan.

3 Bake at 350°F. for 30 to 35 minutes or until top is shiny and center is set. If necessary, cover edge of crust with strips of foil after 15 to 20 minutes of baking to prevent excessive browning.

4 Meanwhile, in small bowl, combine cream cheese, sugar, vanilla and 1 egg; beat until smooth. Working quickly, drop cream cheese mixture by small spoonfuls over partially baked brownies; carefully spread to cover brownie layer. Bake an additional 18 to 20 minutes or until cream cheese is set. Cool at least 1 hour.

5  Arrange strawberry halves, cut side down, over top of cream cheese layer. Refrigerate 1 hour or until serving time. Immediately before serving, place ice cream topping in small microwave-safe dish. Microwave on DEFROST for 45 seconds. Spoon into small resealable plastic bag; seal bag. Cut small hole in bottom corner of bag; squeeze bag to drizzle topping over pie. Store in refrigerator.

Expert Tips

Prepare the pie and let it cool. Do not garnish it with the fudge or strawberries. Wrap it tightly and refrigerate it for up to three days, or freeze for up to two weeks. To thaw the frozen pie unwrap it and refrigerate it for two to three hours. Bring the pie to room temperature, decorate it with the fudge and strawberries, and serve.

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MAN

Man is a woman's best friend. 

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. 

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; 

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions 

and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful 

woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, 

sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.

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Sell all my stuff if I die!

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

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  Jails and Nursing Homes

 Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical

Treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly... If they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - i.e... Shoes, slippers, pajama's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

"Sounds like justice to me!"

 (If You agree, pass this on!)

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LITTLE JOHNNY

Teacher: if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many

will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats

and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and

another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,

how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

The now very angry Teacher: Where in the Hell  do you get seven from?!?!?

The now very frustrated Johnny: Because I've already got a fuckin' cat at

home!!!

end page 1

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Tags: Religion, Recipes, Jokes, Tips n More

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