Cowboy Joe at the Pearly Gates!

 
Cowboy Joe appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
“On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.  So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the s*** out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon.

Tags: cowboy, heaven, joke

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Why Proofreading is Necessary

Tags: funny headlines

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Fly Wal-Mart 

LW News:  Wal-Mart Supercenters across the country are making room in their Sporting Goods departments for a new line of ultralight aircraft kits. The small single engine aircraft have become popular with the increase of fuel prices and the deterioration of the highway system.

"We aim to bring the thrill of flying to ordinary Wal-Mart shoppers. By undercutting the pricing of most ultralight retailers, we will introduce flying to low income Americans," said Felix Wonderhoven, head of the new aviation division at Wal-Mart. 

"Our lowest priced ultralight is a Chinese manufactured single seater kit that features cardboard wings, Styrofoam struts, and a single cylinder cast iron lawnmower engine. The kit comes with a nice pair of scissors, a large bottle of super glue, and well-written Chinese directions for kit assembly. We've sold several hundred kits in our test markets, and so far, only 47 people have been killed while flying them."

This  reporter  was able to visit one of the Wal-Mart stores that had the ultralight on display. . Hanging from the ceiling was the new AirRide model 5000, which had been preassembled by the Wal-Mart associate who usually assembles all the bicycles. A "price rollback" tag hung down showing $247.88. Not bad for something you can fly in!  

I was able to track down the associate who put the kit together: "It went together like a breeze. Although I was left with a small handful of nuts and lock washers, I feel pretty confident that it would fly well enough for our average customers. To be honest, I did have this one small gizmo left over, and I haven't a clue what it was. No, I didn't take it for a test flight… my boss said he didn't think it was a good idea… something about insurance.   Last week, one of our customers assembled the AirRide right out there in the parking lot and flew it home!"

Industry sources hint that Wal-Mart will soon be a major player in the air transportation and general aviation markets.

Remember to duck!!!!!

-- 

"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Satire

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(I copied this atricle off a local news site.  Makes a person wonder what our G'ment has turned in to......)

HOUSTON, Texas, June 28, 2011 - Today, Liberty Institute amended its original lawsuit that states the Department of Veterans Affairs and its Director of the Houston National Cemetery, Arleen Ocasio, are engaging in religious viewpoint discrimination in violation of the First Amendment and the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, by adding new incidents of religious hostility including:

VA Forbids Mention of God at Funerals for Veterans and Requires Families to Submit Prayer for Approval to the Government:

For 30 years, the VFW District 4 burial team, at the request of the family of the deceased, has honored veterans by performing the VFW burial ritual during private burial services at the Houston National Cemetery. For 20 years, The American Legion Post 586 has honored our veterans by performing its burial ritual for fallen veterans. On at least four separate occasions, government officials told the burial teams that prayer and religious speech could no longer be included in the burial ritual unless the family submits a specific prayer or message in writing to Director Ocasio for her approval. Government official Jose Henriquez also told the VFW Honor Guard Commander, Junior Vice Commander and Chaplain that the word "God" is forbidden.

VA instructs the VFW and a Private Funeral Home that they may not present the option of prayer to families:

American Heritage Funeral Home, which sits next to the Houston National Cemetery and specializes in veterans' funerals, was instructed by government officials that the funeral home may not inform the families that they have the option of requesting prayer in the VFW burial ritual.

VA Tells Volunteers to Remove "God Bless" from Condolence Cards to Grieving Families:

About a year ago, Director Ocasio instructed the president of the National Memorial Ladies that the words “God” and “Jesus” are forbidden and that "God Bless" could no longer be written in condolence cards to families. Volunteers also were banned from speaking a religious message when talking directly to veterans' families on cemetery grounds.

"On March 15, Director Ocasio told me that I couldn’t say 'May God grant you grace, mercy and peace' to grieving families, said Nobleton Jones, Honor Guard Junior Vice Commander. "Today we ask the government to make it right."

"All we wanted was to give honor to fallen soldiers," said Inge Conley, incoming VFW District 4 Commander.

Today's hearing took place before Federal District Judge Lynn N. Hughes who had granted the original temporary restraining order preventing the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs from censoring Pastor Rainey's prayer in May. Judge Hughes gave the government until July 15 to respond to the new allegations and set a status hearing for July 21.

How unbelievable is this. We thank the Liberty Institute who was the source for this article for their help. Stay tuned as we see how this plays out.

Read more at the Liberty Institute site:http://libertyinstitute.org/current_cases.php?category=6&article=220

Tags: Government, First amendment rights, Veterans Affairs

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Touching life story..... 

   A young man was getting ready to graduate college.  For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's  showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. 

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning  of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and  told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful  wrapped gift box. 

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give  me  a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. 

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.  He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.  He had  not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things. 

When he arrived at  his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With  tears,  he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those  words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.  It  had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports  car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...

PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon.

Tags: Gifts, Life, God

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The Star Spangled Banner

   Next Monday – July 4th 2011– we remember our heritage. We celebrate our freedom as Americans and remember our nations struggle for independence. We must always remind ourselves that it was bought with a price. Many who fought for our freedom lost their lives in battle so that we could be free. We must never forget the hardships these men endured for us. 

 During this time of remembrance we often sing “The Star Spangled Banner,” The national anthem of the United States of America. The lyrics come from “Defense of Fort McHenry” a poem written in 1814 by a 35 year old lawyer and amateur poet named Francis Scott Key

 Guarding the entrance to Baltimore during the War of 1812, Fort McHenry faced almost certain attack by British forces. Major George Armistead, the stronghold's commander, was ready to defend the fort, but he wanted a flag that would identify his position, and one whose size would be visible to the enemy from a distance.

Determined to supply such a flag, a committee of high-ranking officers called on Mary Young Pickersgill, a Baltimore widow who had experience making ship flags, and explained that they wanted a United States flag that measured 30 feet by 42 feet. She agreed to the job. 

 With the help of her 13-year-old daughter, Caroline, Mrs. Pickersgill spent several weeks measuring, cutting, and sewing the 15 stars and stripes. When the time came to sew the elements of the flag together, they realized that their house was not large enough. Mrs. Pickersgill asked the owner of nearby Claggett's brewery for permission to assemble the flag on the building's floor during evening hours. He agreed, and the women worked by candlelight to finish it. Once completed, In August 1813, it was presented to Major Armistead, but, as things turned out, more than a year would pass before hostile forces threatened Baltimore. 

After capturing Washington, D.C., and burning some of its public buildings, the British headed for Baltimore. On the morning of September 13, 1814, British bomb ships began hurling high-trajectory shells toward Fort McHenry from positions beyond the reach of the fort's guns. The bombardment continued throughout the rainy night. 

 Anxiously awaiting news of the battle's outcome was a Washington, D.C., lawyer named Francis Scott Key. Key had visited the enemy's fleet to secure the release of a Maryland doctor, who had been abducted by the British after they left Washington. The lawyer had been successful in his mission, but he could not escort the doctor home until the attack ended. So he waited on a flag-of-truce sloop anchored eight miles downstream from Fort McHenry. 

During the night, there had been only occasional sounds of the fort's guns returning fire. At dawn, the British bombardment tapered off. Placing a telescope to his eye, Key trained it on the fort's flagpole. There he saw the large garrison flag catch the morning breeze. It had been raised as a gesture of defiance, replacing the wet storm flag that had flown through the night. 

Thrilled by the sight of the flag and the knowledge that the fort had not fallen, Key took a letter from his pocket, and began to write some verses on the back of it. Later, after the British fleet had withdrawn, Key checked into a Baltimore hotel, and completed his poem on the defense of Fort McHenry. He then sent it to a printer for duplication on handbills, and within a few days the poem was put to the music of an old English song. Both the new song and the flag became known as "The Star-Spangled Banner." 

 For his leadership in defending the fort, Armistead was promoted to brevet Lieutenant Colonel and acquired the garrison flag sometime before his death in 1818. A few weeks after the battle, he had granted the wishes of a soldier's widow for a piece of the flag to bury with her husband. In succeeding years, he cut off additional pieces to gratify the similar wishes of others; the flag itself was seen only on rare occasions. 

 When Commodore George H. Preble, U.S. Navy, was preparing a history of the American flag, he borrowed the Star-Spangled Banner from a descendant of Colonel Armistead, and, in 1873, photographed it for the first time. In preparation for that event, a canvas backing was attached to it; soon thereafter, it was put in storage until the Smithsonian borrowed it and placed it on exhibit in 1907. 

The flag had become a popular attraction; in 1912, the owner, Eben Appleton, of New York, believing that the flag should be kept in the National Museum, donated it to the Smithsonian on the condition that it would remain there forever. Once in its possession, the Smithsonian hired an expert flag restorer to remove the old backing and sew on a new one to prevent damage during display. 

The Star-Spangled Banner remained in the Arts and Industries Building (the old National Museum) as the new National Museum was constructed across the Mall. In 1964, when the Museum of American History opened, the flag was moved to a prominent place inside the museum's Mall entrance, an awe-inspiring testament to our nation's independence. 

Psalm 119:111 NIV…Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. 

 Let us remember our heritage, both as Americans and people of God. 

-- 

"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: American Heritage, Patriotic, National Anthem

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Cowboy Joe goes to Church

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. 

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. 

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow. 

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. 

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. 

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. 

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained. 

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. 

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said. 

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. 

"Pew," Charlie retorted. 

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

 Cowboy Joe and the Preacher

One Sunday, Cowboy Joe went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked Cowboy Joe if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. 

Cowboy  Joe said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." 

So the minister began his sermon. 

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask Cowboy Joe how he had liked the sermon. 

Cowboy Joe answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him 'all' the hay."

Cowboy Joe and the Divine Bovine

Cowboy Joe lost his favorite Bible while out on the range mending fence.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

"Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Cowboys, Church, jokes

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Senior Moments

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 

'Two years older than me'  

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 

'And what do you think is the best thing 

about being 104?' the reporter asked.  

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is 

you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! 

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. 

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that 

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. 

Have poor circulation; 

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 

so I got my doctor's permission to 

join a fitness club and start exercising. 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and 

told her preacher she had two final requests. 

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, 

she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 

'Why Wal-Mart?'  

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises 

as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff 

in my shopping cart says, 

'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : 

Grant me the senility to forget the people 

I never liked anyway, 

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 

the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:   

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, 

You grow old because you stop laughing

-- 

"Don't worry about the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon."

Tags: Senior, elderly, humor

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE  

WHEN YOU'RE OLD 

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE..  

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" 

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.  

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." 

George said, "Okay." 

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. 

Then he phoned the police again. 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. 

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Don't worry bout the mule goin' blind, just hold the lines and load the wagon.

Tags: police, phone,

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